The Ricky Gervais Show S1E5 - English Transcript

For the past few years ricky gervais, Stephen merchant, and karl pilkington Have been meeting regularly For a series of pointless conversations. This is one of them. - Testing. - Is that all right? Hello and welcome to "the ricky gervais show" With me, ricky gervais, stephen merchant Hello. -And the little round-headed buffoon That is karl pilkington. Hi. We've got a little email straightaway, karl, From nikki in beverly hills, california. She says, "karl, you rock. I hate it when ricky and steve ridicule you. I checked out your picture. Although your head is not normal, That's no reason to ridicule you. You look gimp, but I never judge a book by the cover. " Cheers. - That's all you've got to say? Well, it's only 'cause I've got no hair though, isn't it? That's why it gives that effect. No, it's perfectly round, your head. It's a perfectly spherical head. Your face is slightly too big for it. It almost goes over the sides. Perfectly round head, pug little nose, Funny gimp eyes with no expression, Hangdog look, Like a lite mouth- like a little lamprey, Not formed, not human formed, The way your expression is like you've had a lobotomy. Your head goes weird at the back. It's got a little knot in it like a-- It's really strange, your face. And you're stupid. - We've had a lot of emails saying that. I think he's just paraphrasing, but Talking of emails, you know, a couple of-- I can't remember which show it was, but you mentioned, karl, That you'd only recently seen a chinese homeless person. Oh, yeah. - And it really surprised you 'cause you'd never seen a chinese homeless person. And I actually went along with that. I've never-- I've still never seen a chinese homeless person. I can just tell you now the-- There's a few responses from los angeles, People saying there are quite a lot Of chinese homeless people over there because There's a huge homeless community in los angeles. So if you wanna see them, karl, that's the place to go. But we have one from vancouver, canada, from a girl called amy. And amy herself is chinese and she says that She realized herself that she'd never really seen a chinese homeless person. And although she says that apparently vancouver Has the first or second largest chinese population in canada, she'd never seen them. And she actually went for a walk Around the chinatown in her area, Looking for them And she could not find any on that particular day. So again, canada-- Obviously not a place to go for chinese homeless. It was just a point though. I don't want people sort of-- Well, hold on there, wait. I'll stop you there. "hello, ricky, steve and karl. I live in new york city and have seen a chinese homeless person. Not only is he chinese but he's also a midget. He's been living on the streets for the last 30 years. He used to dress in rags, but thanks to a coat drive, He's now wearing a fancy adidas jacket. " Now he encloses a picture. He says he gave him 10 bucks To take the picture, and I've seen it And he's a little chinese midget fella. I'm just a bit worried that people are going out there Sort of looking for these Because-- - well, that's what you requested. No no no, but all I was saying is I saw one. I didn't start saying, "excuse me, can you just give us a smile? I'm taking your picture. " - we've had loads of pictures of people. I know, and it worries me a little bit. It's not too bad about the one who took one of the little midget one 'cause it-- if he'd kicked off, It'd be quite easy to hold him back. But I'm talking about fully grown-- So is that your warning to people? "don't be taking pictures Of fully grown chinese homeless"? Well, yeah, I'm just saying Don't be messing about, going up to strangers and that, And annoying them and stuff, right? Well, I think that's a good rule of thumb-- don't annoy them. But that is a hell of a sighting, isn't it? We ask for a chinese homeless And they gave us a chinese midget homeless. Many of the listeners are aware, karl, That you're sort of fascinated by smaller people. Well, he's fascinated by difference, I think. - Yes. I don't think he's having a go at people. When you-- when you stare at someone 'cause they don't look like you-- And let's face it, most people don't-- You're not having a go, are you? Well, it's like I said, the first time I saw steve I was never having a go. It was just, "oh, that's different. " But you know, steve, it was never having a go. It's just that thing of, "oh, all right, interesting. - What do you mean? - No, just, you know, with-- I've said before about I've got used to it and-- Steve? Got used to it? What do you-- Well, you know my feeling with this. I don't know where he's coming from with it. But steve knows I'm not having a go. - Yeah. Karl used to carry around a book that was called "the top 50 freaks of all te. " It's interesting you should mention that Because we actually had an email from ritchie Who says that he's been a fan of ours for many years. And he's listened to lots of the radio shows you've done in the past. And he says, "of all the people you've discussed, karl, in the past, Including some of the people from your odd magazines, Who would you most like to spend the day with Of all those people that you've encountered?" Um, favorite-- favorite of all Certainly who you would want to spend time with, Who you feel would be the most fascinating, the most interesting-- I mean, just recapll-- There's pillow man, the bloke with no arms and no legs - That can roll a cigarette with his mouth. - Karl: Yeah - Not impressed with him? - That's not sufficient. - What about the three-legged juggler? - Hang on. Let's recap. - This was a man with three legs? - Three legs. - And, uh, he said his job- - he became a juggler - Okay. Not using the- the gift that he's been given. - So what are you suggesting? - Anything-- Running, swimmer. - Just, you know. - Yeah. Uh, but what are the others? What are the other ones? There was a picture of a gentleman. You were fascinated by him. He used to play the piano. He's got a tiny head, doesn't he? Oh, yeah, that's that- that's the one who-- - He sort of ages fast. - Right. So every other week he's having a birthday and stuff. And, yeah, that was weird. He's not having a birthday every other week. His body's just aged, so it has the appearance-- His biology is sort of like- like he's 70, But he's only 15. He doesn't-- they don't have a birthday every week. You idiot. Yeah, I don't know about knocking about with one a long time though. Only for a day. - Supposed it depends on what I'm up to. Because if we're going out and about, The pillow man would just be a bit of a drag. Whereas-- Whereas if you're going for a walk across-- The three-legged guy-- ideal. - So, yeah. - Oh, brilliant. Lots and lots of people emailing just with questions for karl. Just a couple of quick ones for you, karl. Wendy says, "if karl had to eat The same dinner every day for the rest of his life, What would-- what would he eat?" Um, you see, it depends, doesn't it? I mainly eat just so I keep going. M not that bothered about-- 'cause I don't really taste it anyway. I shove it down. You're like a- what? You're like a horse? I mean, to be honest, It annoys me the way people worry about food now And how there's so much to choose from. I think it's gotten out of hand. Any form of choice really worries you, doesn't it? You don't like choice. No, choice is good, but not too much. It's like with anything now. If you go into a toffee shop, - There's like loads-- - sorry. Where are you going to find a toffee shop? So you're in- you're in a fairy tale. Yeah yeah yeah. You're in- you're in a dickens tale In the 19th century. You're in "shrek" and you-- Yeah, and you go into a toffee shop. What I'm saying-- you go into a shop full of toffee-- You've just come from the candlestick maker. - You go in there and there's just too much choice. It's like what- and I can stand there Up to four minutes sort of going-- - Up to four minutes. - So specific. Four minutes. - So he's in a toffee shop in a top hat going-- He's only got four minutes because he's gotta get Into the pea green boat that he's sailing off in. "good morrow. " - karl: Well, forget the toffee shop. "could I have some of your finest oxfordshire toffees?" So you'd prefer it was just one selection of toffee? Well, maybe two. What I'm saying is there's now too much choice. Whenever you get a menu in a restaurant, It's not like-- you don't just go, "oh, right, what is there? Yeah, I'll have that. " There's too much. It's like a book now when you look at it all. And then you've got to that point now That people are even taking a risk when they're eating. What do you mean? You know, in japan or china or something They're eating that fish that if it's not cooked right It can kill you. Not worth the risk when there's so many other fish. Yeah, I agree. Why do they-- - have mackerel. Have a bit of cod or whatever. As soon as there's a risk, take it off. - Take it off the menu. - I agree. I totally agree. - Not worth it. - What-- "we've got a fish that might or might not kill you. " "is there anything that definitely won't kill you?" "chicken won't kill you. " - Stephen: "I'll have that. " - that's what I'm saying. But anyway, we were talking about sayings and that. Um, a stitch in time saves nine. Don't-- you know, I'm never gonna use that, I don't think anyways. It's an example of-- - you're never gonna understand it fully, are you? Suzanne repairs my stuff anyway, So it doesn't really matter. But what about the one-- um, about the warning In greenhouses and that, you know? People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. I'm intrigued to know if he's fully got to grips with this. Just give us your explanation again Of what you'd take that to mean. Well, just don't be chucking stuff about. Well, if that was it, they'd just say that. No no, but that saying's been around A lot longer than we think. That's when people probably did live In basic glass houses and stuff. - No, whoa whoa whoa. - What they mean now-- Who has ever lived in a glass house? So cavemen went from rock To a nice crystal structure, did they? When did people live in glass houses? Well, no. What they mean now-- When that saying is used now they mean Sort of plasma tellies, - Uh, ornaments. - No, they don't. They're saying don't chuck stuff about 'cause you'll break it. It's not about damaging your own property. They don't mean you go inside the glass house, Throwing rocks inside your own glass house. It's a metaphor! Karl, what is an analogy? Uh, it's sort of like a little story told quickly Isn't it? It's a little story told quickly. To what end? Well, it depends what the story is. You see, I just prefer sort of What you say is what you mean, so people in-- Who live in a glass house have to answer the door. I don't know wt that means. I don't know what that means. I mean, you-- You may be a geniusbecaus. People who live in glass houses have to answer the dr. Okay, let's hear his explanation. Because the people knocking at the door will be able to see you. stephen: But you have to add other caveats. If you live in a glass house, don't walk around naked. - Stephen: If you live in- - - ricky: These are literal. But just the idea that in your head There should be sayings for people who live in glass houses Who is it that's living in a glass house? No, well, it- I'm not talking about me. If everyone else is bringing up About these people who are living in glass houses, Let's get to the real problems they've got. He still hasn't got to grips with the idea Of the metaphoror the simile. Well, here's another saying That I learned recently from a mate, right? Um There's an elephant in the room. Okay, I haven't heard that one, but explain it to me. It's like how you-- Whenever we go out for something to eat or a drink or something, Normally after about five minutes The sort of topic gets on to the shape of my head. Yeah yeah. But what I'm saying is it's interesting How I'm the elephant in the room, right? Nobody's talking about it. You mention it once, Suddenly it's the talk of the town. Everybody starts joining in, going, "well, yeah, it is round, but it does suit, yeah. " And these are people who I don't even know sometimes, And they're all dipping in. And that is an elephant in the room. So you don't want people to discuss The shape of your head or the lack of hair. You would feel happier if they didn't mention it. Sometimes I think it's better that it's out there. It's made me a stronger person now. It's the same way-- We were talking about religion and that, - Samson and delilah. - Ricky: Yeah. He got weaker without hair. Whereas with me, I think it's made me stronger. But would you ever wear a wig? Um, not really. What if it was a long wig, like samson? Well, the only time I wanted a wig Was when I did jury duty once. And it was annoying that I was sat on the jury Right in front of these criminals, right? Everybody else has got disguises. The judges have them wigs on, right? - That's not disguises! - That's a disguise. That's why judges wear them, right? - No! Then why would they print their name in the paper and have a picture? What do you mean it's a disguise? - It's a disguise, isn't it? - No. If it was a disguise They'd go in with one of those glasses With the nose and the beard attached if it was a disguise. All judges would look like groucho marx If it was a disguise. Well, that-- I'm just saying that's what annoyed me When I was sat there on the front row. I couldn't have been any closer to the criminals and that. I was sat there and I thought, "why didn't I just pop a little wig on or a pair of glasses?" I would have loved to have seen you - In the front row at crown court. - No because-- I'd love to see it because in this country You're not allowed to show p. You can't take photos in a courtroom, So there's always these sketch artists That draw drawings and it's on the news. The idea that we'd have seen 11 people And a sort of krusty the clown figure would have been amazing. Yeah, I would love to see their artist's doing of you 'cause it would be like complicated people. "oh, hair. " he looks at it. It's characterful. - And then just a little round- - - stephen: Charlie brown. charlie brown sitting on the end. Karl, you said that your new year's resolution Was that you were gonna learn something every day. - Yeah, if I can. - Have you learned anything today? Uh, today I don't know The full facts of it, but-- Could I just say that when someone says They learn something new every day, That doesn't count if they forget it the next day. 'cse that would be groundhog day learning. Well, the thing I learned today was about an octopus. - Oh, yeah. - On. What they can do is-- You know how they've got eight legs and that? - Yeah. - Tentacles. They can use-- they can use Six of them legs to cover their heads So they look like a little stone And use the other two to run off. Right? But that's-- He's thinking of squiddly diddly. Yeah, it's a disney image in his head, isn't it? - Yeah, he's thinking of-- - but anyway-- But anyway, that's-- So he's pink, singing a song in your mind and running off, yeah. No, but anyway, but something else I learned-- Um, it's mainly about animals and that 'cause that's normally quite interesting. - There's a chicken somewhere. - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Specific. And the owner of it is getting fed up Because he had to feed it and that-- Embellishment embellishment, guesswork. - No, come on, let's hear it. - It wasn't giving anything back. - Stephen: No eggs? - Karl: No eggs. So he was like, "I'm sick of this. " Anyway, someone told him pop a little axe Next to its little house. So when it comes out in the morning, thinking, "oh, I'm gonna have another lazy day doing nothing" He saw this axe And suddenly it was like, "aw. " The next day it laid about six eggs. It's rubbish. It's rubbish. The chicken wouldn't recognize an axe as a threat. It wouldn't be able to reason that, "oh, I'd better start working or I'll be-- I'll be meat. I'd better start- -" it's absolute rubbish. Once again, it's this ridiculous thing you've got-- That one of personifying animals To reasoning powers better than yours. I mean, I think-- You make chickens and monkeys cleverer than you In your stories, which is weird. It didn't happen and wouldn't work. Next. What else haven't you learned today? Do you think then that it's worth Looking after animals then if there isn't any memory, If they don't know what's happening anyway? You're always going on about don't be cruel to things. Why would you ever want to be cruel to an animal, whether it can reason or not? No no no, I don't mean really cruel, but I mean like-- Like there's an advert on-- That's on in britain advertising some supermarket And it's saying, we look at-- Before we kill our chickens and what have you, They have a great life. This is a voiceover and you see a happy chicken And it's going, we give it a good little house to live in. - Karl: It's got straw. - Ricky: Yeah. - Karl: It eats good. - Ricky: Yeah. And then we kill it. - Yes, but that's better, isn't it? Well, no, I don't think it is though, is it? Because at the end of the day, if I was that chicken, - Right? - Uh-huh. I'm that chicken loving my life, I can't believe my luck. It's got its nice little field that it's working on. It's got its nice food and everything. - Karl: But it's gonna die. - Yeah, we're all gonna die. But then if you were a rubbish chicken That had a rubbish life, You'd be going, "oh, kill me. " Karl, they're not thinking, "what's gonna happen tomorrow?" They don't know that they're gonna get for the chop, are they? A chicken's not going, "I'm fed up with this. I can't wait for that axe to be used on my neck. " Ye. Well, that's another-- Now you've mentioned the cutting off of an head, right? - Yeah. - On a chicken. That's something else I've learned. - It's like a pinball- - his mind. - Amazing. Isn't it? But this was in a proper science magazine as well. So you can't have a go. This wasn't something on the internet; This was printed in a magazine. - So? You read it. - Okay, and what was it? And here comes the filter. It's gonna come out nonsense. - Right-- - ricky: You could have Professor stephen hawking sitting there Whispering stuff in your ear and it could all be true. But when you said it- gobbledygook. Well, let's see then. Let's see. What they've done-- they've done another experiment, right? Yeah. - They've cut somebody's head off, And they've worked out that once-- When the head comes off the body, It stays alive and that for 30 seconds. Well, no, they don't know that. They could never know that. No, they did it. They did this experiment. What's alive? What's alive? But the way-- there's loads of issues here. No one's experimenting with human beings cutting their head off, karl. - Karl: Well-- - two-- no no no no. So you read this in what, "executioner's monthly"? Two, karl-- it's what your definition of "alive" is, Because you can be alive and have no conscience. No no, but this is where it gets weird, right? Yeah, this is where it gets weird: - You talking about it. - So the head's off, right? And what they did was they chucked a load of questions at it. - All sanctioned by the government. - This is all fine. So the head lands perfectly on the neck And goes, "what do you wanna know?" - It said-- - so they're asking questions And it's going, "do you know what? I don't want to answer your question. I'm annoyed about the execution still. " Well, that was the interesting thing. They said-- - No, it didn't happen, karl. - Let me hear it. Oh, don't talk ***. What are you talking about? Who are these people around in white coats going, "quick, ask it a question; it's bleeding"? So they said for about The last five seconds It was sort of like, "I can't be bothered answering them. " Right, but prior to that Oh god. But apart from that, they were chucking stuff. I don't think it spoke. I don't think it was like, "yeah, two and two is four," and stuff. It was more-- it was to do with blinking. - So blink once if you say yes. - Oh, yeah. - Blink twice-- - so they told it-- They said, "when you die, you're probably Not gonna be able to talk. You're not gonna be able to open your mouth. If you do, you'll fall over backwards. Now, listen, blink one for yes and two for no. " "yeah, all right. Yeah, not too bad. The axe is nice and sharp. You're talking *** again. "you promise to do it?" - ricky: "yeah, I will. " They wouldn't be able to do it with you, 'cause if they cut your head off, it would just roll. It would roll away 'cause it's perfectly spherical. They'd go, "oh, no!" It takes about 20 seconds whenever you ask karl anything for the question to process And for him to start to formulate an answer. Karl, it's what we've all been waiting for. Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news. Well, this one- sent in from sam in new york And it's about a fire that happened In a really- do you know in new york They have loads of big buildings, don't they? - Yeah. - Like really really tall-- - Skyscrapers. - Yeah. And there was a fire in one of them. So they did as expected. They called up the fire brigade and that. They turned up. Fire engine parks up. It's like, "right, where's the fire?" And they said, "it's on floor 100, " or whatever. And they said, "oh, no, we've brought The fire engine with the short ladders. " - Stupid mistake, but go on. - Right? So they said, "well, how are we gonna get up there?" Yeah. "we can't. " - stephen: But they've only brought the short ladders. "no, we can't. Let's go home. " Okay, that was monkey news. So they said, "there's a lot of 'grippage. '" 'cause they made up words-- The fireman-- yeah, the n. Y. P. D. Firemen. "there's a lot of grippage. " On the side of the building and stuff. So anyway, they said, "why don't we just go and get a monkey?" - Karl: So they got a monkey. - Whoa, that's a bit of a jump. Is that policy now in the new york fire department? You've gotta think quick, haven't you, at the end of the day? If people are up there, you don't start querying if it'll work or not; You try everything that you can to help someone out, right? That's the first thing I thought of-- So it was quicker for them to go and get a monkey Than to go back and get the long ladders? - Okay, fair enough. - "why didn't they get spider-man?" "yeah, call spider-man. " - So anyway, so they got a monkey down there and they said, "right--" - Where'd they get it from? - We don't know. From the local zoo or something. So they said, "look, let's-- We've got to remember there's-- There could be someone up there And it'll shock them a bit If a monkey comes in, right?" - Yeah. - So they said-- I don't think they'd care. Their building's on fire. They're not gonna go, "that's weird. There's a monkey at the window. " They'd be screaming, "save me! Oh, there's a monkey. " So they said, "right, we'll just get it a little small uniform. " Whoa whoa. Hold on, though. "actually, where are you going to get that?" "I'm going back to the- going back to the station. " "get the long ladders while you're there. " - stephen: "no time. I brought the small uniform. I just didn't bring the long ladders. " you're an idiot! So anyway, it goes up there. It's got all the kit on, its little hard hat on and all that. It grabs-- there was a little person up there, Manages to grab that. - Who was up there then? - It was just-- Someone that was just the right size For a monkey to be able to rescue, which is handy. If had been any one else, like a larger person Or a family, we'd all be screwed. No, I don't know about the size of it. But it's just the stories say It was quite a big big monkey And that it was good at breaking down doors. - Oh, yeah. It was good at climbing into small spaces and stuff like that. Anyway-- - so it's big enough to carry A fully grown man, but small enough to climb Through a cat flap, which is handy. So anyway, it managed to-- Did it have the boots on as well? It got the person and everything. And now it says it-- it's sort of-- It's on call if they ever need it again. And if they ever get anywhere again and forgot the long ladders But there's plenty of grippage, they just call for coco. So that's this week's monkey news. - ***.