Monty Python's Flying Circus S2E3 - English Transcript

my, isn't it hot in here! and now for something completely different. and now for something more completely different. it's monty python's flying circus. [captioning sponsored by the u. s. department of education and a&e television networks] "oh, mr. belpit, your legs are so swol swollen. " "oh, mr. belpit?" "oh, mr. belpit, your legs are so swollen. " "oh, mr. belpit" excuse me, excuse me. i saw your advertisement for flying lessons and i'd like to make an application. nothing to do with me. i'm not in this show. oh, i see. "oh, mr. belpit" do you do you do you know about them-- the flying lessons? no, nothing to do with me. i'm not in this show. this is show five. i'm not in until show eight. oh, i see. i'm just learning my lines, you know. "oh, mr. oh, mr. belpit, your legs" a bit awkward, eh? yes. i'm a bit stuck. well, try over there. "oh, mr. belpit" oh, yes, thanks. not at all. thanks a lot. "oh, mr. belpit, they're so swol swollen. " "oh! m mr. belpit, your legs" excuse me, i saw your advertisement for flying lessons and i'd like to make an application. appointment? yes, yes. certainly. would you come this way, please? morning, mr. jones, mr. barnes. morning. morning, mrs. wills. morning, love. take this to marketing, would you? just follow me. oh, be careful. yes, nearly tripped. we'll be there soon. good. it's a long way, isn't it? oh, get hold of that. watch it. morning. morning. up the stairs. yes. be careful, very steep. almost there. morning. morning. will you come this way, please? in here, please. thank you. hello, i saw your advertisement for flying lessons and i'd like to make an appointment. well, mr. anemone's on the phone at the moment but i'm sure he won't mind if you go on in. through here. ah, won't be a moment. make yourself at home. no, no, well, look, you can ask mr. maudling but i'm sure he'll never agree. not for 50 shillings, no. no. bye-bye, gordon. bye-bye. oh, dear. bye-bye. missed. now, mr. uh chigger. mr. chigger, so you want to learn to fly. yes. right, well, up on the table arms out, fingers together, knees bent! no, no, no. up on the table! arms out, fingers together, knees bent. now, head well forward. now, flap your arms. go on, flap faster. faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster. now jump! rotten, rotten. you're no bloody use at all. you're an utter bloody wash-out. you make me sick, you weed! now, look here! all right, all right. i'll give you one more chance. get on the table. look, i came here to learn how to fly an aeroplane. a what? i came here to learn how to fly an aeroplane. oh, an aeroplane. oh, i say, we are grand, aren't we? oh, oh, no more buttered scones for me, mater. i'm off to play the grand piano. pardon me while i fly my aeroplane. now, get on the table! look, no one in the history of the world has ever been able to fly like that. oh, i suppose mater told you that while you were out riding. well, if people can't fly what am i doing up here? you're on a wire. oh, a wire? i'm on a wire, am i? of course you're on a bloody wire. i am not on a wire; i am flying. you're on a wire. i am flying! you're on a wire! i'll show you whether i'm on a wire or not. give me the "oop. " what? oh, i don't suppose we know what an oop is. i suppose pater thought they were a bit common except on the bleeding croquet lawn. oh, a "hoop. " "oh! an hoop. " thank you, your bleeding highness. now look. go on! right the way along. all right, all right, all right. there, now, where's the bleeding wire? that hoop's got a hole in. oh, eton and magdalene, the hoop has an hole in. of course it's got a hole in! it wouldn't be a hoop otherwise, would it, mush? no, there's a gap in the middle, there. oh, a gap, a gap in one's hoop. pardon me, but i'm off to play the grand piano. look, i can see you're on a wire. look, there it is. look, i told you, you ***-- i'm not on a wire. you are. there is. there isn't. is. isn't! is! isn't! is! isn't! is! isn't! is! anyway, this rather pointless bickering went on for some time until gosh, i am glad i'm a fully qualified airline pilot. the british airline pilots association would like to point out that it takes a chap six years to become a fully qualified airline pilot, and not two. thank you. i didn't want to seem a bit of an old fusspot just now, you know but it's just as easy to get these things right as they are easily found in the balpa handbook. oh, one other thing-- in the sherlock holmes last week tommy cooper told a joke about a charter flight omitting to point out that one must be a member of any organization that charters a plane for at least six months beforehand before being able to take advantage of it. did rather spoil the joke for me, i'm afraid. yes, ah, yes, yes. my wife has just reminded me that on a recent high chaparral kathy kirby was singing glibly about "fly me to the stars" when, of course, there are no scheduled flights of this kind or even chartered, available to the general public at the present moment. although, of course, when they are balpa will be in the vanguard or the trident. little joke for the chaps up at balpa house. uh, one other small point. why is it that these new lurex dancing tights go baggy at the knees after only a couple of evenings' fun? bring back the old canvas ones, i say. it is incredible, isn't it that in these days when man can walk on the moon and work out the most complicated hire purchase agreements i still get these terrible headaches. all right, i seem to have wandered a bit but still, no harm done. jolly good luck. are you going to be in there all day? other people want to go, you know! the door's jammed, if you ask me. ah! that's better. oh, my god. ah, i'm terribly sorry. i thought this was the bally toilet. this is the control cabin. oh, i know that. i'm a flying man, you know, yes. bally stupid mistake. cloud's heavy. what's the reading? uh, 4. 8-- steady. if they had all these dials in the toilet there wouldn't be room for anything else, would there? hello, geneva, this is roger five-o. what is your cloud reading? hello, geneva. i wouldn't fancy flying one of these sitting on the toilet. i mean, it'd take the glamour out of being a pilot, wouldn't it? flying around the world sitting on a toilet. geneva here. serious? no, not if it keeps at that level, no. mind, mind you if you did fly it from the toilet it'd leave a lot more space up here wouldn't it? well, i'd better get back to the cabin, then. uh, sorry about the silly intrusion. bally stupid. the door's jammed. bally piece of luck. oh, hello. everything all right at the back? yes, they're quiet as dormice. dormice? all right, don't anybody move. uh except to control the airplane-- you can move a little to do that. can i move? uh, yes, yes, yes. you can move a little bit, yes. sorry, i didn't mean to be quite so dogmatic when i came in. obviously, you can all move a little, within reason. there are certain involuntary muscular movements that no amount of self-control can prevent. and obviously, any assertion of authority on my part-- i've got to take that into account. right, i mean, one couldn't, for example stop one's insides from moving. no, no-- good point, good point. and the very fact that the plane is continuously vibrating means we're all moving to a certain extent. and we're all moving our lips aren't we? yes, yes. yes, yes absolutely. no, the gist of my meaning was that sudden, uh exaggerated movements! exaggerated, violent movements are are out. well, that's the great thing about these modern airliners. i mean, i can keep this plane flying with only the smallest movement and pancho here doesn't have to move at all. oh, that's marvelous. ooh, and i don't really need to move either unless i get an itch or something. well, that's wonderful. oh, dear. anyway, bearing all that in mind will you fly this plane to luton, please? well, this is a scheduled flight to cuba. i know, i know. that's rather why i came in here with that point about nobody moving. oh, i see. within reason. within reason. within reason, right. yes, um, you know i want you to fly this plane to luton! please. right, well, i'd better turn the plane round then. uh, stand by-- emergency systems. look, i don't want to cause any trouble. no, no, we'll manage, we'll manage. i mean, near luton will do, you know. harpenden, do you go near harpenden? it's on the flight path. okay, well, drop me off there. i'll get a bus to luton. it's only 25 minutes. you can be in luton by lunchtime. well, that's smashing. there's no airport at harpenden. oh, well, look, forget it, forget it. i'll come to cuba and get a flight back to luton from there. well, we could lend you a parachute. no, no, no, no, no, i wouldn't dream of it. i wouldn't dream of it-- dirtying a nice, clean parachute. i know, i know. there's a bale of hay outside basingstoke. we could throw you out. well, if it's all right. sure, yeah. yeah! not any trouble? no, none at all. that's marvelous. thank you very much. sorry to come barging in. bye-bye. thank you. bye. thank you! take this bus to cuba. from these glens and scars the sound of the coot and the moorhen is seldom absent. nature sits in stern mastery over these rocks and crags. the rush of the mountain stream, the bleat of the sheep and the broad, clear highland skies reflected in tarn and loch form the breathtaking backdrop against which ewan mcteagle writes such poems as "lend us a quid till the end of the week. " but it was with more simple, homespun verses that mcteagle's unique style first flowered. "if you could see your way to lending me sixpence "i could at least buy a newspaper. that's not much to ask anyone. " one woman who remembers mcteagle as a young friend-- lassie o'shea. oh mr. mcteagle wrote me two poems between the months of january and april, 1969. could you read us one? och, i dinna like to, though. they were kind of personal but i will. "to my own beloved lassie. "a poem on her 17th birthday. "lend us a couple of bob till thursday. "i'm absolutely skint. "but i'm expecting a postal order "and i can pay you back as soon as it comes. love, ewan. " beautiful. since then, mcteagle has developed and widened his literary scope. three years ago he concerned himself with quite small sums quick bits of ready cash-- sixpences, shillings. but more recently he has turned his extraordinary literary perception to much larger sums-- even nine guineas. but there is still nothing to match the huge sweep the majestic power of what is surely his greatest work: "can i have funt50 to mend the shed?" can i have funt50 to mend the shed? i'm right on my uppers. i can pay you back when this postal order comes from australia. honestly. hope the bladder trouble's getting better. love ewan. there seems to be no end to mcteagle's poetic invention. "my new checkbook hasn't arrived" was followed up by the brilliantly allegorical "what's 20 quid to the bloody midland bank?" and more recently his prizewinning poem to the arts council: "can you lend me 1,000 quid?" i think what mcteagle's pottery poetry is doing is rejecting all the traditional cliches of modern pottery. no longer do we have to be content with keats's "seasons of mists and mellow fruitfulness" wordsworth's "i wandered lonely as a cloud" and milton's "can you lend us two bob till tuesday?" "oh, gie to me a shillin' for some *** "and i'll pay yer back on thursday "but if you can wait till saturday i'm expecting a divvy from the harpenden building society. " oh, sod 'em. working my fingers to the bone as a highlander, i would like to complain about some inaccuracies in the preceding film about the poet ewan mcteagle. although his name was quite clearly given as mcteagle he was throughout wearing the cameron tartan. also i would like to point out that the balpa spokesman who complained about aeronautical inaccuracies was himself wearing a captain's hat whereas he only had lieutenant's stripes on the sleeves of his jacket. also, in the inverness pantomime last christmas the part of *** in boots was played by a native of new guinea with a plate in her lip so that every time *** whittington gave her a french kiss he got the back of his throat scraped. look, would you mind going away? i'm trying to examine this man. it's, uh it's all right. i i am a doctor. actually, i'm a gynecologist, but this is my lunch hour. i have a nasty feeling i am somebody's lunch hour. actually, i find violence extremely distasteful only it was the only part offered, and i need the work. pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man. good morning, madam, i'm a psychiatrist. you look like a milkman to me. good. i am in fact dressed as a milkman. you spotted that-- well done. go away. i'm going to show you three numbers and i want you to tell me if you see any similarity between them. they're all number three. no. try again. they're all number three? no. they're all number three. right, now, i'm going to say a word and i want you to say the first thing that comes into your head. how many pints do you want? uh three? yogurt? no. cream? no. eggs? no. you're quite clearly suffering from a repressive libido complex probably the result of a product of an unhappy childhood coupled with acute insecurity in adolescence which has resulted in an attenuation of the libido complex. you are a bloody milkman! don't you shout at me, madam. don't come that tone. now then, i must ask you to accompany me down to the dairy and do some aptitude tests. i've got better things to do than come down to the dairy. mrs. ratbag, if you don't mind me saying so you are badly in need of an expensive course of psychiatric treatment. now, i'm not going to say a trip to our dairy will cure you but it will give hundreds of lower-paid workers a good laugh. all right, but how am i going to get home? i'll run you there and back on my psychiatrist's float. all right. what are all those? they're case histories. psychiatrists! psychiatrists! psychiatrists! yes, sir? good morning. afraid our regular psychiatrist hasn't come round this morning and i've got an ego block which is in turn making my wife over-assertive and getting us both into a state of depressive neurosis. i see, sir, who's your regular? jersey cream psychiatrists. oh, yes, i know them. right, well, uh what's your job, then? i'm a doctor. didn't i see you just now under a scotsman? yes, but i am a doctor. actually, i'm a gynecologist but that was my lunch hour. what does this remind you of? two pints of cream? right. i should definitely say you're suffering from severe personality disorder, sir sublimating itself in a lactic obsession which could get worse depending on how much money you've got. yes, yes, i see. and a pot of yogurt, please. i would like to take this opportunity of complaining about the way in which these shows are continually portraying psychiatrists who make pat diagnoses of patients' problems without first obtaining their full medical history. mind you, that's just a pat diagnosis made without first obtaining your full medical history. i feel the time has come to complain about people who make rash complaints without first making sure that those complaints are justified. are you referring to me? not necessarily. however, i would like to point out that the balpa spokesman was wearing the british psychiatric association dinner dance club cuff links. yes, i noticed that, too. these are not british psychiatric association dinner dance club cuff links. sorry. they are, in fact british sugar corporation gilbert and sullivan society cuff links. it is in fact a sort of in-joke with us lads here at balpa. i think the last speaker should have checked his facts before making his own rash complaint. yeah, that'll teach him. however, i would just like to add a complaint about shows which have too many complaints in them as they get very tedious for the average viewer. i'd like to complain about people who hold things up by complaining about people complaining. it's about time something was done about it. nurse! would you take mrs. pim to see dr. cream, please? certainly, doctor. walk this way, please. oh, if i could walk that way, i mrs. pim to see you, dr. cream. i just want another five minutes with audrey. could you show mrs. pim into the waiting room, please? yes, doctor. right, audrey, when did you first start thinking you were a cow? "jeez, mr. belpit your legs is all swollen. " "oi! mr. belpit your great legs is all swollen!" "ah! mr. belpit your legs are all swollen!" good evening. tonight on it's the mind we examine the phenomenon of deja vu-- that strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before that what is happening now has already happened. tonight on it's the mind we examine the phenomenon of deja vu that strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived anyway, tonight on it's the mind we examine the phenomenon of deja vu that strange good evening. tonight on it's the mind we examine the phenomenon of deja vu that strange feeling we sometim mes get that we've lived through something good good evening. tonight on it's the mind we examine the phenomenon of d-d-d-d-d-deja v-v-v-vu that extraordinary feeling quite extraordinary no, fine, thanks, fine. oh, thank you. that strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before. no, fine, thank you. fine. thank you. that strange feeling no. fine, thank you. fine. thank you. look, something's happening to me. i um i think i'd better go and see someone. goodnight. wait! hey! oi, haven't i seen you somewhere before? no, doctor, no. something very funny's happening to me. hey! oi, haven't i seen you somewhere before? no, doctor, no. something very funny's happening to me. "oh, mr. belpit, your legs are so swollen. " ah, come in. now, what seems to be the matter? i have this terrible feeling of deja vu. ah, come in. now, what seems to be the matter? i have this terrible feeling of deja vu. [captioning sponsored by the u. s. department of education and a&e television networks the caption center wgbh educational foundation] ah, come in. now, what seems to be the matter? i have this terrible feeling of deja vu.