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Todd Margaret: I'm not so sure this is a good idea, guys.
[ alarm sounding ] Original Air Date on February 10, 2012 [S02E06] TV announcer: And so, the biggest trial in British history begins today.
On his way to the courthouse there, Todd Margaret, for what will hopefully be the first public execution since 1888.
Brent Wilts: Todd, I know you're scared, but I gotta concentrate and you are bummin' me out.
Look-- don't worry, all right.
Doug is out there poundin' the streets, and he's not gonna stop until you take your final breath.
Plus, Alice is looking for Dave.
He'll think of something-- He's a smart guy.
I thought you said Dave was the bad guy in all of this.
I've gotta look at these notes.
It's gonna be okay.
We've got everything we need right here.
Where was I? Yeah, page two.
[ shouting and pounding ] It's all your fans.
We are watching live pictures of Todd Margaret on his way to the Old Bailey courthouse.
Our reporter, Snivel Chalks, is on the scene.
Snivel? Snivel Chalks: It's absolute chaos here at the courthouse.
Passions are running high as the nation comes together in outrage at the crimes of the typical American.
We've all done a bit of rubbing and feeling, yeah.
But what I wanna know is, what's he gonna do with that ***.
I mean, yeah, she was fit, but that was when she was alive.
She's dead now, she'll be rotten-- disgusting! President Obama has again moved to distance himself from Todd Margaret, in an attempt to heal relations between Washington and London.
The list of charges includes: attempted manslaughter with a truck, the willful destruction of human organs The theft and release of megathrax, unlicensed public nudity, unlicensed use of an industrial strength ***, and attempted necrophilia on the number one cash cow of the British tourist trade.
Your honor, the evidence is overwhelming and we wish not to cost the state anymore monies than have already been spent, Agree To disagree.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, a grave and substantial responsibility has been given to each and everyone of us here today.
You're gonna hear a lot in the coming days from my esteemed colleague from across the aisle.
He's gonna make claims such as, "Wah, Todd margawet took a leak on my wittle war memorial.
" Or "Wah, Todd Margaret broke into my aunt bee's office and *** me off to death.
" Or "Wah, Todd Margaret dropped my liver in a garbage can.
" Well, boo, ***', hoo! I have never seen a bigger bunch of cry-baby *** in my entire life! I mean, good god! I hope Todd did commit all these crimes.
Todd Margaret is not on trial here today.
No-- The entire English judicial system is.
[ music ] Alice Bell: Skinny.
Your honor, I would like to call some character witnesses to the stand to attest to my client's niceness.
Doug Whitney: Lord Mountford, can I speak with you? Pam: Are you meant to get these things on! Lord Mountford, insist I speak with you at once! Doug Whitney-- Doug Whitney and associates.
Please, don't speak with me that way! They're broken.
And just what did this, supposed, vile and awful man say to you? He said he liked my hat.
I'm sorry-- what's that? - He said he liked my hat.
- "My hat.
" He said, "I like your hat.
" - How'd that make you feel? - Terrible.
This is a dastar, it's a religious head-covering.
It's not a hat.
I've gotta deal with this kind of ignorance all the time.
It's on your head-- It's a ***' hat, dude.
Next.
Hello-- could you state your name for the, uh, court writer lady, please? Uh, Brian Chrisik, the Ipswich molester.
oh, uh, the Southport sodemizer.
The beast of Birmingham.
Uh, the Plymouth Playground predator.
Uh, the boy butcher of Bolton.
The Belgian nuisance.
Okay, we get it, mr.
Chrisik, you're well traveled.
You've known Todd, uh, quite awhile now.
He strike you as a bad guy? Oh, no, no, not at all, no.
I mean, he seems just like, uh, you know, just like any of us.
Oh, thank you.
Just like any of them.
Your honor, um, could I talk to whoever's in charge? Overruled! If it pleases the court, your majesty-- Your honor! Thank you-- I'd like to take this opportunity to address the jury.
Just One second.
No, no, no, no, no.
[ music ] Yeah, got ya! You object! *** you, judge! I object! Bam, that's the Hammer comin' down! Hey, big guy, you do realize what a menu is, right? It's a list of choices.
You don't have to eat 'em all.
Oh, look, Bridget Jones.
Who's lookin' after your cat? Your tub of ice cream? Hey, gorgeous.
You know what I'd love to see you in: 1987.
***, your cooch is drier than the dessert he crawled out of.
Oh, no, Abdul! Uh-oh, did I insult you? Please, don't bomb me.
Come on, buddy, don't you got a cab you gotta go stink up? How, kimosabe.
Pemmican in a teepee back in the old pueblo? Oh-- hey, mate, shouldn't you be around the pub binge drinking and eating your *** food and my Mcviddies and having some *** tea? Well, guess what! I got a tea bag for ya, England! The world's most boring, *** people! Objection, your honor.
"Objection-objection-objection!" "Mommy, mommy, mommy! Oh, no, mommy, mommy, mommy, "please, don't let the big bad American boy make me feel bad.
" "Oh, mommy, mommy, please, can I have some more hot cocoa, 'cause I spilled it on me jumper.
" That's you! Hello, you look absolutely lovely.
Toodle-loo.
Lord Mountford, I insist that I am Doug Whit Ney and I What the bloody hell is going on? Who are you? uh I-I'm sorry.
Maybe this is a bad time.
Well, it's certainly not a good time.
Can I speak to you about you about your son, David? He's at the old bailey-- Great.
Listen, I need you to get a message to Todd Margaret.
Yes, the Todd Margaret! Tell him to hold tight.
I think I can save his life.
TV announcer: Breaking news at the Todd Margaret trial.
We are live to Snivel Chalks.
Snivel, what is the news? Snivel: I'm just hearing news that diplomatic relations are now set to thaw between the U.
S.
and the U.
K.
with the discovery of uncontroversial evidence that Todd Margaret is, in fact, a British citizen, adopted as an infant by an American couple.
Wilts: Your majesty, permission to blow a hole in this case so wide, even I'd be able to *** it.
I'd like to introduce some important new evidence that I believe will exonerate my client.
Todd Margaret was, as a small baby, adopted by an American couple.
And while that fact alone may seem insignificant, I am holding in my hand proof that he was indeed born in Leeds, England! Todd: Wait, what? So, that means-- Yeah! That's right, man! In your face! We did it, buddy! Oh, my god! I wasn't lying, after all.
I-I am from Leeds! It's over! Let's get outta here, huh? Take these off me.
I'm goin' home! Stand down, Mr.
Margaret.
But I'm from Leeds! Didn't you hear? I wasn't lying! You are not charged with lying about being from Leeds.
But I'm from Leeds.
Who gives a ***! What more do you people want? That is reasonable doubt! No, it is not! I get it! You're on the take.
You all are! This whole thing is a scam! How much they payin' you, brotha! Mr.
Wilts, I've warned you once.
I'm now holding you in contempt of court.
Guards! W-w-wait-wait- Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-- Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-- Wait-wait-wait-wait-- Wait a second.
I would like to call to the stand my super, top-secret, bomb shell surprise.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please welcome to the stand, Mr.
Todd Margaret.
Come on, give it up! Come on, Todd.
[ collective grumbling ] I thought you said putting the defendant on the stand was an act of desperation.
Look, desperate times call for desperate measures, all right? I just need you to stall for awhile-- I've got a plan.
Where's Mr.
Whitney? Don't worry about this.
This is gonna work-- trust me.
So, uh, mr.
Margaret, you're new to London and you're here to, uh, sell Thunder Muscle, is that it? Tell us a little bit about that, if you could.
Hello, hello, hello, hello, everyone! Taxi! I'm runnin'-- I'm jumpin'! I'm skippin' along! Alice: Hello, David Mountford.
It's Alice Bell.
I know who you really are and I'm on my way to the courthouse right now with evidence that you're behind all this *** that's been happening to Todd.
Mammy, how I love ya, how I love ya, my dear old mammy Um, improvisation is a Latin word meaning "not scripted.
" So, what I'm gonna do is take your suggestions, uh, from the audience and create a scene with them, and I'll just need some suggestions, like, uh, occupation.
Let's start with an occupation.
Judge, really? Perfect, judge.
Okay, uh, judge-- How appropriate.
Okay, uh, I just need an emotion, an emotion.
Just ***.
Great, ***-- great! Todd Margaret has no business being in this country.
Oh, my *** is huge and it's not goin' down! ***, your honor! Sustained! Gavel, gavel, gavel.
Ow, that's my ***.
And scene.
Come on, that's improv.
It doesn't have to be as funny as scripted comedy.
Let's stick to the facts.
Okay, yes-- you're right.
Your honor, according to Archibald, no last name, "Evidence having to do with alleged facts of offenses charged.
" Where is Brent Wilts? - Are you all right, sir? - Yeah-- thank you.
"The burden of proof, verdict, and subsequent procedure.
" "If the contention that the defendant is" "refer to all five law lords.
" "Lord Morris referred to the fact that lord Herschel--" Mr.
Margaret! This charade has gone on long enough.
Or has it, your honor? Yes, it has.
I shall now bring this trial to a close.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, Wait! I-I have some famous-- some famous last words, your honor.
If I-if I could just, please.
Um The past two weeks have been really, really weird, but, um, I didn't do any of those other things you're saying.
I did none of them! I didn't ***! I didn't intent to ***.
I didn't terrorize.
I didn't do any of those-- Enough! If you're not gonna call anymore witnesses, I shall officially end-- Wait, again.
I do have one person.
I have one person I can call.
The only person who's been decent to me in this country, The only person who's sweet and pure And knows the real me.
It's ringing! Mehtap.
It we-it went to, uh, voicemail.
Is that it, Mr.
Margaret? There's Alice, but I'm not sure her head's in the right place, really.
I shall now ask the jury to retire to consider their verdict.
No need-- we're good.
Guilty? Of course.
Under the powers vested me by the crown and the country of England, I hereby find the defendant, Todd Margaret, guilty as charged and sentence you to be hung by the neck until just before death when you'll be removed, revived, and then drawn and quartered.
Coverage will begin tonight on BBC 2 Dave: Bravo-- well done! Dave? Who's harry potter now? Hello, sir.
Um, I was just watching some-- Shut up, David-- I've had to leave a very important meeting to clean up your mess, ironically.
I was having a bit of fun.
People are not pets.
I told you that before, David.
If you can't treat them properly, it won't be allowed anymore.
But I-I-I-- No, "but" nothing! I got you John Hamm and this is how you act? Will all due respect, sir.
Uh, you've literally just come from a-- Glass, David.
That's the difference.
They're under glass.
Now, sit down and keep your mouth shut for the moment, so I can talk to the judge and have the case dismissed.
Call Sainsbury's and have that whole mess takin' care of and figure out what to do with this Todd Margaret problem.
Give me Murdoch, Cameron, Obama and Vilanche.
Guard: Last supper for Todd Margaret.
Todd: Right here.
Thank you.
Oh, do you have any, uh, Chinese mustard? I don't really have much of an appetite But it is free.
Mmm! Will you open the cell? Yes, sir.
I haven't finished my soup yet.
Okay, Mr.
Margaret, who I am is not important and you're not to ask.
Now, here's what's happening.
I have pulled some strings.
I am going to make this all go away.
All charges will be dropped.
I have seen to it that you will be released from prison forthwith and your record expunged.
You will be given 300 pounds, a new jumper, and an iPod.
However, one problem remains.
You are required to leave the U.
K.
, but you are an international pariah.
The Americans won't have you back, and after checking, literally, with every embassy on earth, it seems there are only two countries willing to take you.
The first is Turks and Caicos.
The second, North Korea.
I would weight this choice very carefully, Mr.
Margaret.
This is no time to make a poor decision.
I have had my fill of turks lately, and I do like sushi, so Korea.
All right.
North Korea it is then.
Here's your passport.
And as soon as you've finished Your [foreign word ] dumplings, we'll be off.
Todd Moon? I have to have a Korean last name, a whole new identity? That is your real identity.
We checked your records at the hospital where you were born in Leeds.
It says here I was born in 1970.
Wait, I'm fo-- I'm 41! I thought I was 35! I just lost six years! Oh, my god! Which ones? Oh, all right.
[ music ] I'll get some wine.
What? This Todd Margaret chap must've done something pretty horrid to you.
Dave: Oh, father, it was the worst.
You remember when I went to the States last month for the Portland Loop Regatta? Mmm.
Well, whilst I was there, my mates and I, we went for a drink in a bar.
Wilts: I really need the falcons to cover the spread on this one.
I cannot go back to Spokane empty-handed.
Let me just take these drinks to my friends and I'll be right back.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, come on! Oh, fudge it-- nurse! Watch it! Oh, oh, geez, sorry about that.
You bloody ***! You massive muppet! You've ruined my trousers! Todd: Hey, Harry Potter's here And they're called "pants," ***.
[ laughing ] Can I buy you a drink? What happened to your accent? Oh, you think I'm that English guy? No, no, no-- which one is he? Whatever Hey, hey, I-I just wanna get laid, so take me home.
Yeah-- oh, god, yeah-yeah.
Where-where we goin'? Do the accent.
Do the accent for me.
Will you do that? Okay, hello, hello, hello, me name's Todd Margaret and I'm a right bleedin' sod, I am.
You-- those guys that were just here, tell me everything you know about them.
Yeah, so, that's about it, really.
Well, I don't agree with what you did, but I'm proud of you.
You showed real ingenuity.
I just wish you'd put the same amount of creative energy into something more worth while, like overthrowing equatorial Guinea or something.
Still, you're a responsible rebel and I love you.
I've gotta warn ya, not pretty.
I don't know.
She's all right.
What are the *** like? I'll get them out of the drawer.
Todd! Todd-- it's your old man! I've come here to save you.
Oh, well.
Oh, yeah, no problem at all.
My real dad's from Pyongyang, so I can totally head up your nuclear office.
[ music ] Brent, where you been the last two weeks? I've Been traveling.
You comin' to the corporate fun day? Stacy's organizing the karaoke.
Should be a real adventure! Doug: You know, it doesn't really make any sense.
How could Global National, even if it was a shell company, buy this entire company without ever really communicating with them? And how could Dave know that Brent Wilts, at that exact moment, would walk by when Todd Margaret's listening to those self-help CD's back in Portland? And also, it doesn't really make sense that Doug Whitney would come to the u.
K.
, when he wasn't technically fired in the first place.
Hey, Dave! Hello? Hello? Anybody! I suppose there is a certain irony to this.
