Mary Mack

Oh yeah, I'm gonna add my own pizzazz to this one. playing Yellow Rose of Texas You know it? Okay this one's really easy. playing Ferryboat Polka Do you know it yet? I used to have my own polka band. Okay, I'll keep going. The only reason I went to comedy was because we were so bad in the band that I had to talk a lot. So then people were like, well we like the talking better than the songs. Are you listening? Everybody knows this polka. So then I ended up just talking more. Wait a second. Oh, Who Stole the Kishka? that's a really good one. Oh, I don't want to do that one. La, la, la, la! Do you know that? I gotta start doin' some cultural classes. I never thought I would be doing comedy. I have two degrees in music, so obviously, that's why I do comedy. I bought a house 'cause they were on sale and... laughter That's a hard process. Have you ever bought a house? Gosh, there's paperwork upon paperwork. You go in; I went in and the lady at the bank said something about credit, and then I was like, I should get credit just for comin' in here. laughter I kind of am not good like at parties or meeting people or making conversation necessarily, but I am good at just standing up there and talking for an hour. This is embarrassing, you know? They're like, did you happen to apply for a Visa card in 1997 down at the Tom Thumb so you could get half off on a Salted Nut Roll? laughter And you can't lie; it's a federal offense. So you just have to be like, well, I remember getting a good deal on a Salted Nut Roll one time. laughter It's more acceptable for me to be myself on stage for some reason than it is for me to be myself in real life. audience laughter (Mary on recording) Dear Diary, I have this one guy in my neighborhood... My process is a little different than the mainstream where sometimes I'll run onstage, and I'll spew out as much information as possible. I tape it, and I transcribe it, then I'll cut it down. And usually I do that at an open mic, where they don't have to pay laughs to hear that. (Mary on recording) This is what I do now, I just track this dude, and uh... So that's a good line, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna pause it. It's a potential line. So this is what I do now-- I just track this dude. I will memorize exactly how to tell a story, but then, I like it to be conversational and seem new. on recording Sometimes he sees me. Out of this 6-minute tape, I'll probably keep like 4 sentences and then try to reword everything else. You know, I worked really hard to make it seem like I don't know what I'm gonna say next. I did a fringe show for the Minnesota Fringe last year and one of the negative reviews was, It's like she doesn't even know what she's going to say next. Like, thank you, I worked so long on that! We're going to go on our honeymoon-- I'm trying to get out of it. laughter 'Cause it's 3 weeks long! 21 days together, everybody, gooh-- like, I love you, but not all in a row! laughter Oh no! See, this is what I hate is that I find set lists and scraps of stuff. That's kind of an interesting doodle right there. The process is hurrying up when some idea comes in your head and writing it down. This just says, School choir visits, stop 'em! Like I don't know why I want to stop the school choir visits. What happens is, little phrases turn into paragraphs. Oh, this is on the back of a receipt. I should probably go through these some point in my life. There's another pile over there that I gotta go through at some point. I'm feeling actually a little more overwhelmed. Guys, you wouldn't believe how much this helps ya. You wouldn't think it, but it really does. It gets your mind off of all of the stresses, 'cause all you can do is look at this man wearing these silk pajamas. And this is a big part of the day, 'cause this is the part where I get happy. Hi Ben! This is your girlfriend. whispers I'm not his girlfriend, it's a show. This particular show is sketches and improv on cartoon and it'll be on Comedy Central. These are just some people who knew me from standup and just wanted me to do my own thing. high, youthful voice Hey, I'm assuming this is your answering machine, but this is your cat sitter, Stacy, and I was wondering how many cats you had before I came here and just 'cause I wanted to add the number up and see if it matched. You know, they'll listen to some of the voices and just be like oh, this character could go here, this character could go here. Hey Ben, um, listen, I noticed that you had some of the cats' pictures up on your fridge, and I was wondering if these are the cats of the past or if these are current cats? Ben, I'm at 3250 Taylor Street, was that your house? Because I didn't actually save the text message of the house. This house was open. Okay, thanks Ben, bye. lower, nasal voice Hey Ben, this is your girlfriend Michelle. I left like, a case of Sudafed at your house the other night. I didn't mean to stay that late; probably wasn't appropriate the first, second date, but that's how Sudafed hits me. It makes me romantically interested and sleepy. Can't do shellfish; if you like Red Lobster, I can't do it Bud. Gonna have to ask me somewhere else. Okay, see ya. My main goal right now is to somehow make enough money to buy more land. with Southern accent Ben, I really enjoyed your use of hot glue in all the right places. I have a problem making goals. I have to finish a script by two days from now, so that's a goal. laughs I have like, now goals and retirement goals, but I don't have any goals in the middle. Louie Anderson yelled at me one time for that. What are you doing in 5 years, what are you doing in 10 years? God, Louie, it's not a job-- quit it! But it is a job. You work really hard; I never worked harder at another job. Here, here, you'll get it on the B section. Helena Polka? Come on guys! organ plays softly