Rev. S1E2 - English Transcript

This programme contains adult humour Welcome to St Saviour's on this rather cold Sunday morning. It's nice to see so many faces here today who are so familiar. The Lord be with you. And also with you. Almighty God, to whom all hearts are open, all desires known, and from whom no secrets are hidden, cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your Holy Spirit, that we may perfectly love you and worthily magnify your Holy Name. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Amen. I thought the sermon was electrifying today, Adam. It gave me shivers. Thank you, Adoha. It's hard to be rousing when there's only five of you. Can I have a word with you, Adam? Hello, Archdeacon, how nice to see you. I wasn't expecting you. I'm a bit worried about you, Adam, is everything OK? Yes, yes, yes. Where is everyone? Where's your congregation? Oh, I see. Er, well, Colin and Adoha are over there, and. Good morning, Archdeacon Robert. Yes, where is everyone today, Nigel? Oh, yes, it's an upsettingly small turnout today. Is there a Tube strike on? No. Alex is at the police station? Oh, yeah. Well, that's one. Yes. Er, Olanna has gone to the Primark sale. Steve Warwick's taken his daughters to gymnastics, Mike Swan has a cheese stall at the Farmers' Market. Margaret's gone to visit her mother Nigel, I don't need the individual GPS location of every single member of your congregation. Unfortunately, Archdeacon, the reality is sometimes people justdon't come. You're late paying your Parish share again. There's another cheque on the way. Is there? What was your congregation plate this morning? Mm, £60. You mean 20. No, no, it was much more than that, it was, er40? It was £24. 07. I saw you putting in 20 yourself. It's not against the rules, is it? Well, there's a general feeling that you're letting the side down a bit. Not my words of course, words of the Area Dean. You know how the wealthy parishes grumble when their money subsidises empty churches. This isn't an empty church, the congregation will be back up next week. Oh, there you are. Double your collection plate. Oh. What's Rowan talking about now? Is it interesting? He's talking about his childhood in Swansea. You've been reading that for three months. Well, you know it's not a quick read, it isn't easy read. How about you put Rowan down and hold me instead? Do you think I should do a leaflet drop? What? I've got to increase my congregation numbers. Sorry, I can't help it, I've got to get my numbers up. You know sometimes weeks go by without us having sex. No, they don't. Yes, because one or other of us is always too tired, or distracted by work. We need to rekindle things, darling. I want some excitement. I want to be seduced. Now? No, not now. But soon. (Yeah. ) Would you like me to dress up as a vicar? Dear Lord, if you don't mind me bringing this up, could you give me more energy in bed? I'm so exhausted all the time and it's not fair on Alex, she deserves to be happy. Please help me find more time and energy for her, and it, and please help me get my numbers up. Why do you make finance such a constant daily issue for us? Shouldn't I be spreading your word and building the Kingdom rather than worrying about money? I gather wine's a good investment at the moment and property in Bulgaria, and I hope you don't find the size of my flock insultingly small. If you've got any ideas on how to fill this place, I'd love to hear them. Hello, can I help you? Hi, yes, you must be Adam? Er yes, er, I'm, I'm Adam. I'm Darren. I love your church, Adam. It's awesome. Thank you. Adam, we've got renovations going on at St. James's for the next few weeks. I'm looking for somewhere to bring my congregation next Sunday. Oh, you're a priest are you? Yes, yes, I'm Darren, I'm the vicar at St James's in Fulham. Ha. Well, my lot would absolutely love this place. Awesome organ. Thanks, it's broken. So how large is your congregation, Darren? Three or four hundred. Three or four hundred? Yeah. Do you have space for us all for a Sunday? Um, er, probably, er, perhaps. Yes, how would you describe your worship at St James's, Darren? Mm, we mostly use the International Bible. Ah. But, er, we don't have to. You're Charismatics, then? No I'd say we are Evangelical - but in a kind of chilled, friendly way, you know? We love God but we're not out to convert people. Right. Cos I do have a problem with the way that the Charismatics sometimes seem to let their emotions supplant theology. Yeah, me too. Look why don't I come down here on Sunday and give a little service? If you like us we can hook up more often and if you don't, absolutely not a problem. They really are a very, very cool bunch. Do you think your whole bunch would come? Absolutely. Well all right, Darren. Let's try it once and see how it goes. Awesome. Of course I have fantasies. What are they then? They're just, you know, male fantasies. They're all about you. Ha! Yes, course they are, then that doesn't make them fantasies, does it, because I'm here? What, what's yours, tell me yours? You know mine. Do I? Tell me again. Sex in a lift, in public somewhere, being naughty when there are strangers around, dressing as a stripper, as a *** and being picked up by someone famous, being serviced by two faceless men who are only interesting in satisfying me, being dominated, being tied up and captured by a man I'm sexually attracted to who treats me very nicely while pleasuring me, and then instantly falls in love with me in a lift. If only we had a lift. But they're just fantasies, they're not meant to happen. Well, maybe some of them. Perhaps the stripper. Or being naughty in public. It's a bit tricky with my job. No, it isn't. No, I'll show you. I love you. Thank you for cooking and cancelling the homeless meal for me. I love you too. BUZZER Ignore it, please. BANGING ON DOOR BUZZER It'll just be Colin. It might not be. Mick, I'm not giving you any more money, so can you please go away? Nah, see what it is, yeah, see what it is, yeah, I'm working now. Want your windows done? It's nine o'clock at night. Is it? Ah, no problem, I work nights anyway. I'm going to watch telly. Bye, Mrs Vicar. Come back tomorrow instead Mick, and I'll give you a sandwich. It's cool, it's cool, I'll do 'em now since I'm here. No, thank you. That's all right, don't mention it, vicar. Hello, vicarage. Hello, Colin. Watch out for that johnny. Goths have been *** in the churchyard again. Disgusting. Some people are turned on by the strangest stuff, aren't they? Mm. I've never had sex al fresco in fact. Maybe I should. It's all right for you, you've got Alex. Been feeling a bit lonely myself. Sorry to hear that, Colin. Haven't had sex in years. I don't appeal to women any more, that's the problem, I know that. I'm sure that's not the case. Yes, it is. Nobody loves me. Don't be silly, Colin. We love you. Yeah but you're not going to *** me though, are you? I just sometimes have this terrible need to get me balls wet. Is that bad, Adam? Would God be cross? No, no, no. There are different kinds of love, aren't there? God's love is far more profound than physical love. It's powerful, ceaseless, ineffable. But sometimes you just want to stick it in, don't you? Hi. Morning. Darren. Hey, Adam. Pretty awesome, huh? I didn't know you doing all this. It's great isn't it? I always like to joke that, the more God loves you, the better your PA system. I haven't got a faculty permission for any of this. Don't panic, keep your cassock on. We will have it put back to the cold barn it was before. Jesus is awesome, isn't he? This all looks good, Adam. A bit friendlier, was this your idea? No, let me introduce you to Darren, our visiting preacher. Darren, this is my wife, Alex. Hiya. Hi, are people allowed to watch telly during the service today, Darren? Did you do the flowers? So sorry we had to move them all out. No, because A, I never do the flowers and B, I was at work. Alex is a solicitor. She does a lot of Legal Aid work. Wow, good for you, not just a vicar's wife. People are going to be arriving in about 30 mins. Let's go help set up that smoothie bar. What a *** end. It's fine, it's just one Sunday. But he is very good looking. Adam, do come and meet Pip who runs our smoothie bar. Pip, this is Adam whose church we're taking over. What would you like, vicar? Um, what's in a Creamy Tropical Jesus Splash? Orange, strawberry and pineapple. Or, may I recommend the Merry Berry Jesus Explosion? OK, no, I'll have the Splash, not the Explosion. What's going on here, Adam? Hello, Adoha, do you fancy a fruit smoothie? Don't you want me to do coffees as usual? Er, not today, Adoha. Next week. it's smoothies today, just for once. This is wrong, Adam. You know coffee should be served in church, not this girl's fruits, and where are my flowers? Hello, everyone, hello. As, as the vicar of St Saviours, I just wanted to welcome you all here today and what a lot of you there are, it's a, it's a wonderful sight. I'm delighted that Hello, guys, so good to see you all. And how cool is it to be here in this awesome church? And it is also great, Jesus, to have you here with us today. We're going to need some monster donations from you guys today if we're to reach our expansion targets, so don't forget to fill out one of our standing order forms, or maybe a direct debit. It's all very, very straightforward. Of course we do now accept all major credit and debit cards. Now I want to talk about the adulteress in John's Gospel, chapter eight. Only last week I met a woman who'd given in to temptation, a drug addict off her face on whizz, selling herself in order to fund her addiction This is great, isn't it? Give me some of that, Colin. . . the healing power of Jesus's love, she no longer does that. You see we all have to fight against temptations in life, don't we? Yeah, and I want to talk Hiya. . . about her journey to salvation. But before we do that, shall we get Ikon up here? Right on your feet. I felt my life was like a heavy sinner's That was until I came to you for repentance Look at the size of my love Yeah That's all for you above Oh, oh, I didn't like my behaviour I should have known that Christ was the Saviour I surrender to you You're the one I'll give it up for you and you son Send me your love Put my sins in remission I believe in you, Lord You're not superstition Let me feel the power of your love Bring it Like it was a shower from above Sing it Sing it Sing it Love me, take me, Jesus Make me feel brand new Love me, take me, Jesus Our resurrected Jew Love me, take me, Jesus Make me feel brand new Love me, take me, Jesus Our resurrected Jew Love me, take me, Jesus. Yeah. All right! Anyway she said, "I didn't know that, I thought it was the relief postman. " Killer that, innit, eh? Oh, hi, Darren, thank you for that. That was a real eye-opener. Well, it's been an absolute joy. We would love to come back next Sunday. Well, I've been very glad to do this once, Darren, but I'm afraid it won't be right to have you back again next week. Why not? Well, if you'll allow me, because I think what you do is more of a show than a sacrament, and I don't think it's quite right for my congregation. Wasn't that the most wonderful service, Adam? Full of song and colour and emotion. Oh, what a clever, gorgeous vicar you are, yes. So good looking. Hello, you two, how are you getting along together? Yes, very well, thank you. What an extraordinary service. It certainly was. Memorable, great bunch. Very clever of you both. You know I said to the Father, I said, "Father I want all you've got, "and if it blows my mind, let it blow, yeah?" Did you experience Jesus? Oh, yes, several times. I was just saying to Adam here how much we would love to come back next Sunday. Er, yes, well, we'll have to see. I have a cheque here from my church to yours for £10,000. I'm sure it'll go towards whatever it is you do here. Goodness gracious, Darren, that's very generous. Yes, well, the Dean will be delighted. I hope we'll see the fruits of this? Of course. OK, gentlemen, well done. Enjoy your Sunday. Play nicely. Oh, hello, Alex. What are you? Shh. I'm not Alex. I'm Vivienne, what's your name? I'm Darren. I'll just get these. Are you serious? Quick as you can, please, Lisa? No way, shut up. No, at the end of the day, I didn't even call her a slag. No I didn't! Seriously, babe. Er, sorry, hang on a minute. What? Oh, Darren. Oh, Darren. BUZZER No, me. Don't mind me. Want me to do round the back? Love me, take me, Jesus Make me feel brand new Love me, take me, Jesus Sorry, I can't seem to get that hip-hop hymn out of my head. Yeah, it'scatchy stuff. Very different from your services, all that energy and pizzazz. Must say Darren is very good looking. Yes, I've got an e-mail from him here, saying he's looking forward to seeing me again soon. He's not coming back is he? No. I was very clear to him. Hello, vicars. I have had the best time ever! Have you? Where have you been, Colin? On a two-day "Be Transformed" course at Center Parcs. I am sotransformed! The St James's lot - they're just so friendly. And they paid for everything. Th-there was parties, and we talked about Jesus Here y'are. Check this, vics. They gave us free stuff, and glowsticks. This one says "Jesus", and this one says "Transform"! And there was smoothies Oh - there were so many smoothies. And lectures on how to deal with sex, and how to cure people of being a poof. And the girls are mega-hot! I can't wait to see 'em all again this Sunday when they come back 'ere. Sorry? Hang onDarren's not coming back here this Sunday, Colin. Yeah, they are. They all are. Darren's down there right now. Awesome, yeah? I can't wait to see Pip again. I think she really likes me. So what exactly is the problem, Adam? We're all partners in the Gospel, aren't we? But the thing is I don't necessarily think that Jesus is erabsolutely the answer to every single question. He is, though. Well, I don't think so. I think that faith must encounter doubt, and all I get from you is certainty. That's right. So I don't think a blending of our styles is going to work, I'm going to have to ask you to not attend any more. Your church was empty, Adam Now it's full. Because we appeal to people - you don't. Our God is a success and that scares you. Your services scare me. That's what scares me. Your services. They scare me. You have no sense of this parish, and I dread to think what your views are on gays and women priests. Well, your pathetic, liberal acceptance of them disgusts me. When you KNOW they're wrong. The Bible tells us, St Matthew tells us This church is ours now, Adam. And you need to acknowledge that. No. Be my friend, Adam. Be God's friend. There'll be no interruptions tonight, I promise. So get ready for a night of hot romancing. ALEX GIGGLES Yes I'm ready, Darren. Tie me up and take me to erm . . heaven. Like, my kind of heaven. Ping! Going down REVERBERATING HIP-HOP MUSIC Can you hear that? RAPPING: # I should have known that Christ was a saviour I surrender to you, you're the one I give it up for you and your son Darren, what are you doing? This is my home! Go away. Oh, we were just praying for you, Adam. Well, stop it! What you doing up there, Adam? I None of your business. I'm extremely busy, Darren. Can you go away, please? Get out. *** off! This is criminal, this is harassment. ENGINE STARTS UP Go on, what are you looking at? Go away. . . Love me, take me, Jesus, Our resurrected Jew Love me, take me, Jesus I understand your concern, of course I do, Adam. The problem for you - for us - is that the Dean just loves the St James's lot. Does he? I didn't have him down as a hard-line Evangelical. No, I think he went on one of their Be Transformed courses at Butlins, said, "It was magical and very exciting," and I haven't been able to get a word of sense out of him since. Of course, in purely financial terms, I should be congratulating you. As you know, it was agreed at the Deanery Synod last week that Darren should preach at your place once a month. What? No, they can't do that, I won't allow that. Well, weren't you at the meeting? Um, no, not on this occasion. Why not? Because they're incredibly dull. Do you go to them? Well, of course I do. Well, Darren can't preach without my approval, it's my church, I'll run it how I like. Of course, but I'd strongly recommend you don't do that. I don't know what to do. Can you think somewhere else? I'm expected at one of Gordon Ramsay's soft openings, so I'm going to drop you outhere. Quick, quick! So, John 15 makes us ask, if you were hanging out with Jesus and his posse, what would you say to the fella? I'm gonna give you the top ten tips on how to be a friend of God. Get off me! Get off! You're disgusting! Well, Jesus told me to do it. Pip is extremely distressed. She's having a smoothie, and she will never be able to come back to this church. She's wearing a chastity bracelet, she's clearly a ***. A born-again ***. I want that man barred from this church. I'm not doing that, Darren. Colin's been a regular here for 15 years. Is there no chance you could forgive him? We may well prosecute. "Lord, how many times am I to forgive my neighbour, as many as seven times?" "70 times seven," said the Lord. 70 times seven, 70 times Pip is a vital part of our congregation, yeah? Colin isn't vital to anybody Darrenexcept God. And if God loves you, Darren, then he loves Colin just as much. Colin's presence in this church is a blessing. Colin is a dangerous person who smells funky. Archdeacon, please understand, if that man is not barred from this church I'm going to have to take my large, giving, very generous congregation somewhere else. Darren, we can't be seen to bar anyone from our churches, you know that, especially those in need. Even though he touched her bottom? Even though he touched her bottom, which I'm not condoning, butthere's my answer. Well, I feel for you both. No wonder your church is in crisis. I shall take my large, devoted gang, and my money, elsewhere. Any chance you can leave the smoothie bar? Thank you. CONGREGATION: # He who would valiant be 'Gainst all disaster Let him in constancy Follow the Master Are you OK, Colin? Yeah, yeah, course. I just miss Pip a bit, is all. I was in a dilemma with her, cos, well, I did like her a lot Mm. . . but she was also a massive prick tease. What you did was wrong, you know that, don't you? I only pinched her ***. No, but you can't do that, it's horrible for women. People lose jobs because of that sort of thing. That said, of course, if you hadn't done it, Darren and his lot would still be here, sothanks. You can always count on me, vicar. PHONE RINGS Hello, my darling wife. 'Hello, is that Darren? 'This is Vivienne. ' Yes. GRUFF VOICE: This is Darren.