Family Goy

(bold theme plays) ANNOUNCER: Gathered together from the cosmic reaches of the universe, here in this great Hall of Justice are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled. (whooshing) Superman. Batman and Robin. Wonder Woman. (roaring) Aquaman. ANNOUNCER 2 (bored): And Meg. ANNOUNCER 1: Dedicated to truth, justice, and peace for all mankind. Hey, Quagmire, what do you got there? It's the new Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Check it out. Those swimsuit issues don't excite me like they used to. I've been spoiled by Internet ***. Totally. What do you mean, Internet ***? You, uh, don't know about Internet ***? Don't know what? I'm not really a computer guy. Quagmire, I would think you, of all people, would know about Internet ***. They've got, like, thousands, literally millions of naked pictures on the Internet. What? And videos. Thousands of them. You guys are messing with me. Quagmire, you don't use the Internet? You mean that crappy dial-up thing that's a pain in the ***? No, I don't use the damn Internet. I though that was for nerds. Why didn't you guys tell me?! Oh, yeah. You can even see Tanya Harding's honeymoon video on there. I mean, it's gross, but it's, like, famous gross. You know these women don't compare to the old swimsuit issues with Kathy Ireland. Yeah. She had it going on. You know, Horace still has one of those old beer promotion cut-outs of her from, like 1994 in the back room. Don't you, Horace? Oh, you mean this thing? I was about to throw it out. If anyone wants it, it's theirs. ♪ Suddenly ♪ ♪ Life has new meaning to me ♪ ♪ There's beauty up above ♪ ♪ And things we never take notice of ♪ ♪ You wake up ♪ ♪ Suddenly, you're in love. ♪ I'm taking you home with me. Hey, Dad. Where are you going with that cut-out? Oh, hey, kids. This is Kathy. We're designing lifestyle products together. It's completely legitimate, but don't tell your mother. I had a great time today at the museum. You were the most beautiful woman there. You know, Lois won't be home from groceries for a while. I have an idea. Knock-knock. Anyone in the bathroom? (shower running) (screaming) I love the time we've spent together, you know that? Hey, Kathy, guess what? I'm out. Under the table right now. I'm out. Peter? Oh, no. What the hell is going on? I sent you to pick up dinner an hour ago! What are you doing with that cut-out? You know what, Lois? I'm glad you found out. I can't carry on the charade anymore. I have an announcement to make. No, no, I'll do it. I'll do it. I know I've been able to keep this a secret, but Kathy and I are not actually working on a project together. We're... in love. You're an idiot. My lawyer will call your lawyer. Ugh, this is the stupidest thing he's done since he got in a turf war with that cat. (both yowling) MAN: Hey, shut up! (both yelp) Now, kids, you don't have to call her "Mom" right away, but I do want you guys to get along. Just give her a chance. I think you'll like her. Maybe she'll let us do things that Lois won't let us do! Yeah! Hey, Mom, can I pull my pants down? If she doesn't answer, does that mean "yes"? That's what I've been going with. Yay! (laughing) (both laughing) CHRIS: Yeah. All right, all right... STEWIE: Mine's better. Mine's better... Oh. Hello, Lois. I would have thought you'd have moved in with your mother by now. No, Peter. I'm just pretty much letting this run its course. Well, I'm sorry you're handling this so poorly, but have you seen Kathy? We were gonna go get her passport renewed. Oh, Chris took her into his room about ten minutes ago. What?! That ***! She's betrayed me worse than Lady Macbeth betrayed Duncan. (roaring) I, uh... I don't know Shakespeare very well. PETER: Kathy?! Kathy! There you are! Oh, don't give me that look! You don't think I know where you've been? How dare you make a fool of me! Did you have sex with that fat kid? Did you?! Answer me! (gasps) Oh, my God! Look what you made me do! (sobbing): Why did you have to provoke me?! Why did you ha... Quagmire? There you are. Nobody's seen you in days. Hey, Peter. I just been, uh, checking out some of that Internet ***. Yeah, yeah. I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. I'm just gonna go-go and check my mail over there. You been lifting weights? Uh, no. No. No, I don't think I... No. I, uh, I... You know, I'm-I'm sorry, Peter. I gotta... I gotta get back. I'm sorry, Lois! I was a fool! I'm done with Kathy. Can you ever forgive me? (sobbing) Peter, settle down. Yes, I forgive you. Just as long as you're done with that stupid cut-out. I just want you to know that every time I was with her, I was thinking of you. Peter, stop. Come on. I'm not in the mood. Oh. (laughing) Oh, Peter! Oh, Lois, I missed you. You and your wonderful smile, and your beautiful eyes and your awesome third *** that's on top of the other ***. What? Oh, my God! Peter, that's not a ***. That's a lump! A lump? Holy crap! Mm... (chuckling) Peter, stop that! We're not having sex! I just told you I have a lump. I got a lump too, and mine's easier to get rid of. Mrs. Griffin, I've got good news. Your test results came back negative. It appears the lump in your breast is not black gross *** death. Breast cancer? That's the layman's term, yes. Oh, thank God! What a relief. Yeah, that was scary. Now, Mrs. Griffin, although you're in the clear for the moment, we need to have a look at your family medical history to determine your future risk. Huh. That's curious. I didn't realize your mother was a Holocaust survivor. My mother? Oh, no, that's-that's impossible. She's not Jewish. According to her birth certificate, she is. Oh, my God. Wow. Breast cancer's starting to look pretty good. Mom, you're Jewish? I'm sorry I never told you, dear. When we were married, your father made me conceal the fact, so he could get into country clubs. It was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do, dear. Oh, my God. So Grandma Hebrewberg is actually Jewish? Yes, when she moved to America, her family changed their name. It was originally Hebrewbergmoneygrabber. That makes you Jewish, Lois. And your children, too. Well, this kind of rocks my world. Even more than the time I went to that pediatrician. Whoa, Stewie! You're getting to be a big boy! I think somebody's going to be a football star! (laughing): Oh, you. Oops. Forgot your chart. Be right back. PEDIATRICIAN: Whoa, Jason! You're getting to be a big boy. I think somebody's going to be a football star. I can't believe I fell for that line. I actually let myself believe I could be a doctor's wife. You're just fat, Stewie. Silly and fat. Uh, thank you for coming over, Max. I really need some advice from an actual Jewish person. Oh, it's my pleasure, Lois. I'm sure this all must be very overwhelming. I just don't know what to do with this information. I-I've spent my whole life as a Christian. I'll tell you what you should do with it: absolutely nothing. That's the problem with this world. Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spin-off. See you later, ***! Have fun with your stupid (bleep) giant chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house? Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that, but essentially, Brian's right. Being Jewish doesn't really have to change you or your family's life. Well, I guess you're right. There's no reason things should be any different around here. Shalom, Jews! Wow, Dad, where did you get all that glistening chest hair? It came with my Star of David. Peter, what is all this? Look, this is my way of letting you know that I'm embracing who you are. Oh, and I don't respond to Peter. From now on, I want you to use my Hebrew name, Hccccccchhhhh. Well, I-I caution you, uh, Hccccccchhhhh, that becoming Jewish doesn't happen overnight. It's a process that involves spiritual education and good works. So what you're saying is that it happens overnight? Look, Peter, I'm the one with the Jewish heritage, and I really don't want to make a big deal out of this. Leave it to a Jew to take all the fun out of being a Jew. Now, listen up. I like the hat, and I like the scarf. So we're doing this. Kids, from now on, this is where we'll celebrate the Sabbath. Peter, this is all unnecessary. Our life was fine the way it was. Check it out. I'm one of you guys now, huh? I'm Jewish! Yeah! Holocaust! We're #1! Look at all these short, hairy men. God, I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor. Good afternoon. As we approach the Passover holiday, let us remember the struggle of our people as they labored under the yoke of Pharaoh's despotic rule. Hey, if anyone appreciates a good yoke, it's the yews. (laughing) That's my Jewish laugh. I'm working on a Jewish laugh. Peter, I'm so embarrassed right now. Can we please just go? Hi. You're pretty. Oh, thank you. Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish? I hope so, Meg. I really do. It's not, Lois. It's not. Dad, this isn't the way to school. Yes, it is, Chris. One of the best parts about being Jewish is getting to take advantage of their excellent schools. I'm not going to no Jewish school. Sitting around all day with a bunch of short, hairy guys. I'll feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor. Didn't you... didn't you make that joke the other day? Oh. Yeah. No, I just wasn't sure if everybody had, um... had heard. And instead of lasting for one day, the oil in the lamp lasted for eight days. And that is why we celebrate Hanukkah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long before we play "pin the eviction notice on the black guy's door?" Now, does anyone have any questions? Yeah, I have a question. What are you gonna do when Jesus comes back and puts a boot up your ***? And it's also why many families give their children eight days of presents. Wait, did she say eight days of presents? Yeah. Well, this Judaism thing is gonna be better than I thought. All right, class, that's all for today's lesson. Now everyone off to gym class. All right, today we're gonna play soccer. Huh. That was easy. Hey, Lois, the kids are all asleep. I suppose they are. (chuckles) You know what else? I picked out a sexy little Jewish outfit for you at the store. What is that? Oh, my God, Lois, if you put on this long, thick dress right now, I will lose it. Peter, I'm not wearing that thing. And if you put this shawl over your head... Ooh, do you have any clunky, unfashionable peasant shoes? Oh, I swear to God, Lois, I swear to God, I would lose it. Peter, get off me! Tell me I don't earn as much as your friend's husband. Peter, stop it! I'm going to sleep. Fine. I'll just sit here and watch TV. MAN: We now return to Mark Wahlberg in Annoyed and Confused. What? What's going on? I don't get it. Man, I gotta work out. What's going on here? Where am I? What the... Huh? What the hell's going on here? Huh?! What?! FRANCIS (voice echoing): Peter. Dad? What do you think you're doing, Peter? You were raised Catholic. If you forsake your religion, you'll spend eternity in hell. Oh, God. I don't want that. Then you better knock off all the Jewish stuff. Well... all right, if that's what you think is best. Oh, wait, Dad, before you go, can you say, "Peter, you must go to the Dagobah System"? Peter, you must go to the Dagobah System. Ah. Thanks. Anybody want toast or a bagel? Peter, what the hell?! Lois, last night, my father came to me and reminded me that I'm a good Catholic. If I don't rid the house of this Jewish curse, this family is gonna go to hell, and I won't let that happen. Peter, you were the only one who was even taking this thing seriously. Jews are gross, Lois. It's the only religion with the word "ew" in it. Oh, come on, you're acting crazier than when you were going through your Parker Lewis phase. Peter, you ready for dinner? Oh, that's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner. Peter, nobody cares about your cancelled show. Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even try and make him lose 'cause it's just going to be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose. Would he win in a fight with Batman? Well, Chris, think about what you're saying. Parker Lewis can't lose. Heretofore, Batman can suck on that. Suck on that? Suck on this. Tic-Tacs only have one and a half calories. Well played. I love you, Dad. I love you too, son. Mm... Huh? What the... what the hell? How do you like it? Huh? How do you like it? Peter, what in God's name is this? Wait a minute, are these pieces of Stewie's crib? I hate it here. Oh, thanks for spending time with me today, Mom. I just had to get out of that house. Peter's being such a ***. Lois, I think this is more serious than you realize. Don't you see what he's doing? Oh, he's just being immature. It's happened before, and it'll pass. Lois, what Peter is doing to you is exactly what Carter did to me for years. He's repressing your Jewish identity. (Carter chuckles) But, Mom, I don't really care about being Jewish. Or even Christian, for that matter. I just wanna be a good person, on my own. (Carter chuckles) All I'm saying is I let your father take my Jewish identity, and I've regretted it ever since. I don't want to see you make the same mistake. I don't know, Mom. I'll think about it. Carter, knock it off. Come on, you know you Jew girls want that dollar. Follow the dollar, and it'll lead you to... um... What do... what do Jews like? Salmon. There's salmon over here. Is there really salmon over there? No. You walk over there and he squirts you with a squirt gun. (laughing) (laughing) (screams) What the hell?! (sighs) Are you out of your (bleep) mind? Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point. Good morning, Lois. (screams) Peter, for God's sake! I am so sorry, Mort. No problem, Lois. That's how people say hello to me. Hey, Joe. JOE: Hey, Mort. Peter, you and I are gonna have a conversation. I'm very angry with you. Geez, what's your problem? What you did this morning was so far out of line I just... Let me tell you this. Mom was right. I can't just sit here and let you dump all over my heritage. I'm not gonna make the mistake she did. I'm Jewish, and I'm proud of it. And this weekend we're having a Passover seder. You can't do that. It's Easter. Not in this house. Lois, this family believes in the Easter Bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash. Now, if you wanna go to hell, that's fine, but don't drag the rest of us down with you like a mentally handicapped rooster. ***-a-doodle-doo. ***-a-doodle-doo. Good night, everybody. Okay, everyone. This is my first time doing a seder, which is where we tell the story of the Jews' escape from bondage in Egypt. Doesn't it seem like every Jewish holiday has to do with them escaping from stuff? No, Chris. And you know, tricking some bigger, more athletic people? Uh, Lois, not that I'm rushing you, but when do we get to the wine drinking? Hang on, hang on. Before we do anything, I'd like to say a blessing over the candles if I may. Now bear with me, I haven't had much rehearsal time. (clearing throat) ♪ Barukh atah adonai elohaynu melekh halahm ♪ ♪ A-share kiddy shahnu bimitzvah tov ♪ ♪ Vitsee vanu l'hahdlic nare, shell yom tov... ♪ Can't we just eat? And now I shall continue the prayer. Kali mah. Kali mah. Kali mah. Hum num shevai, hum num shevai, hum num shevai, hum num shevai, hum num shevai. Now let's move on to the washing of the hands. This is a very important part of the ceremo... Hey, hey, hey. The Easter Bunny is here. Happy Easter. Peter, what the hell are you doing in that...? Have you been drinking? Not since I got out of the car. Who here thinks they can kick my ***? Peter, you are not gonna ruin this seder. Now get out of here. I'm sorry, kids, I just wanted to help Brian run for mayor. I guess I forgot what was really important. Peter, just go lie down. All right, I'm gonna go lie down and then I'm gonna come back and mess up your seder. All right, I'm back, and I'm much more sober. Lois, what you're doing is wrong. I want you to get all this Jew food off the table. I most certainly will not. It's me or your religion, Lois. I'm a Catholic and I want to live in a Catholic house. Well, I'm a Jew and I want to live in a nicer house. BRIAN: You really think I should run for mayor? Peter, you gotta stop living in your own stupid world. I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone who doesn't believe in Jesus. Hey, hey, heard my name. Wow, Jesus! Aw, you're dead now, Lois. Jesus is gonna kill ya, and then we're gonna bury you in the yard next to Kathy Ireland... (sputtering) I mean, uh, nice weather we're having. Look, Peter, I thought it might interest you to know that I'm Jewish. What? He's Jewish, Peter. Jewish, like full-on? Like you practice Jewie-ism? I am a Jew. Prove it. What's a nine percent tip on a $200 bill? $18. Which is fair. Oh, my God, it's true. But I'm so confused. Peter, it really doesn't matter. Catholicism and Judaism are not that different. They're two sides of the same coin. In fact, the Last Supper, one of the most iconic images of the Catholic faith, was a Passover seder. And if I'm not mistaken, Islam is also in that same spiritual family... Uh, let's not muddy things up here. The most important thing is to treat other people the same way you would want to be treated. Oh, an eye for an eye. Well, Lois, I guess I owe you an apology. I was scared because my dad convinced me I was going to hell. And I was doing it to make up for my mother's mistake. Look, I don't know if being Jewish is the right thing for our family. I just wanted the chance to explore it so I could know for sure. But, to tell you the truth, I thought we were fine before. But then, Jesus, which religion should our family be? Six of one... they're all complete crap. BRIAN: Thank you.