The Wedding Singer by Matthew Skylar and Chad Beguelin - Dialogue and Script

ROBBIE: I WROTE A SONG 6 YEARS AGO WHILE PLAYING IN A WEDDING BAND THE WORD GOT OUT AND SUDDENLY THE BAND AND I ARE IN DEMAND AND NOW COUPLES ALL OVER JERSEY HIRE ME TO INSURE THEIR WEDDED BLISS ALL BECAUSE OF A TUNE I WROTE THAT TUNE GOES LIKE THIS OH WHEN IT’S YOUR WEDDING DAY AND MY MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY I CAN GUARANTEE THAT LOVE WILL FIND YOU YEAH WHEN IT’S YOUR WEDDING DAY ALL THE PROBLEMS MELT AWAY IF YOU COUNT ON ME CAUSE LOVE IS WHAT I DO WHEN WE PLAY A WEDDING GIG ROBBIE, SAMMY, & GEORGE: WE’RE LIKE A FINELY TUNED MACHINE ROBBIE: SAMMY DOES VAN HALEN LICKS WHILE GEORGE GETS DOWN ON TAMBOURINE WE MIGHT PLAY YOU SOME CARELESS WHISPER OR MAKE YOU WISH YOU HAD ALL: JESSE’S GIRL INSTEAD ROBBIE, SAMMY, & GEORGE: BRING THE ROOM DOWN WITH ENDLESS LOVE ROBBIE: AND BLAST *** YOUR HEAD ALL: *** YOUR HEAD ROBBIE, SAMMY, & GEORGE: SO WHEN IT’S YOUR WEDDING DAY AND MY MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY I CAN GUARANTEE THAT LOVE WILL FIND YOU ROBBIE: WOO! ROBBIE, SAMMY, & GEORGE: YEAH WHEN IT’S YOUR WEDDING DAY ALL THE PROBLEMS MELT AWAY IF YOU COUNT ON ME CAUSE LOVE IS WHAT I DO ROBBIE: AND LONG BEFORE THE NIGHT IS THROUGH YOUR UNCLE LOU WILL BE MY UNCLE TOO I’LL BE SO TIGHT WITH YOUR COUSIN STEVE HE’LL INVITE ME OVER FOR CHRISTMAS EVE I’LL DANCE YOUR MOM ALL AROUND THE ROOM THEN PRESENT THE BRIDE AND GROOM LINE DANCE FOLLOW ME! SO WHEN IT’S YOUR WEDDING DAY AND MY MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY I CAN GUARANTEE THAT LOVE WILL FIND YOU YEAH WHEN IT’S YOUR WEDDING DAY ALL THE PROBLEMS MELT AWAY IF YOU COUNT ON ME CAUSE LOVE IS WHAT YES LOVE IS WHAT I DO LOVES WHAT I DO LOVES WHAT I DO ALL: LOVE IS WHAT I DO! ROBBIE: Alright thank you everybody, thank you so much! My name is Robbie Hart, and I am the lead singer of Simply Wed! Alright, I’m gonna introduce the rest of the band. We got Sammy on the bass, George on the keyboards, and on drums we got sweet Jim everybody! Alright, alright. What a pleasure it is to be here at the Touch of Class Catering and Banquet Hall. A special, special day with two special, special people. Mr. and Mrs. Harold Fonda! The best man’s gonna say a few words, so let’s all give a big hand to Harold’s brother David Fonda! DAVID: Woo! Saved it. I was, uh, very truly honored when Harold asked me to be his best man. He’s always been the star of the family, the golden boy, the responsible one, right dad? Harold never ran away from rehab. Harold never took a paternity test on T.V. Yeah, I’m definitely the screw up of the family. I, uh, even screwed up the bachelor party. We ran outta blow at like 7 o’clock ROBBIE: The best man everybody! DAVID: I was just getting to the best part, when Mr. Perfect over here spend ten minutes in the closet with a dimebag, a transvestite, and a bottle of yeagameister! ROBBIE: No, no, part of the fun of a bachelor party is that it’s a chance for the groom to get a little wild and crazy, right? One last time. Before he pledges his eternal love to the woman he adores. At that moment, his whole life ends. All his past mistakes, his false starts, his *** experimentation. That stuff doesn’t matter anymore! I myself will be making that pledge to my beautiful fiancйe Linda tomorrow, thank you. Beginning a new life, a life of love. Some might say, what’s love got to do with it, or that love is a battlefield. But those people are looking for love in all the wrong places, because endless love is the greatest love of all. To Harold and Debbie! ALL: To Harold and Debbie ROBBIE:  The best man everybody! Alright, we’re gonna take a short break, but as you enjoy you enjoy your prime rib or fish, George is gonna take us south of the border with a little tune he calls GEORGE: Musica para la digestion – music to digest by, enjoy! JULIA: Whoa, nice save ROBBIE: Just doing my job. You’re Holly’s cousin, right? JULIA: Yeah, Julia Sullivan ROBBIE: Robbie Hart GEORGE: I’m sorry, the keys got stuck! HOLLY: Julia, its entree time ROBBIE: Nice to meet you, Julia JULIA: Nice meeting you too. HOLLY: So, is Glen taking you someplace nice tonight for your anniversary? JULIA: You know Glen! He’s full of surprises, or at least I hope he is. But he said he’s gonna call later, so I’m sure he will. HOLLY: Maybe he’s finally gonna pop the question JULIA: Don’t even joke about that! HOLLY: No, I’m totally serious! You’re so lucky Julia, Glen is a total catch. He’s handsome, he’s sweet, and he buys you nice stuff. What do I get? The last guy I dated was Sammy, and all he ever gave me was an ‘I’m with Stupid’ t-shirt. It was then that I realized, I was with stupid. SAMMY: Did I hear my name mentioned? We’ve been broken up for 6 months, and you still can’t stop talking about old Sammy. Hey, hows about I buy you a drink? HOLLY: They’re free ***. SAMMY: You know Holly, your lips are saying no. But you’re eyes.. they’re pretty much saying no too. JULIA: Oh, have you seen the bride? Look how beautiful she is! The hair, the dress, everything is just perfect. She’s like the cover of a magazine. HOLLY: I know, don’t you hate her? JULIA: How can you hate her? Look how happy she is! SHE TURNS AROUND AND SHE MEETS HIS GAZE THE LIGHTS ARE DIM THERES A SMOKEY HAZE THEY SHARE A SMILE AND A SECRET WAVE IT’S A MOMENT BUILT TO SAVE THEY START TO MOVE ACROSS THE FLOOR THE ROOM IS FROZEN WANTING MORE THE HAPPY COUPLE ON DISPLAY WITH NOTHING STANDING IN THEIR WAY ITS SO ROMANTIC I COULD DIE RIGHT HERE AND NOW IT’S GONNA BE THAT WAY FOR US I KNOW SOMEHOW SOMEDAY WHEN IT’S ME I’LL KNOW OUR LOVE WAS MEANT TO BE NOT ONE SINGLE COMPLICATION OR CAUSE FOR HESITATION SOMEDAY WHEN THE DREAM IS COMING TRUE ALL YOU’LL NEED IS ME AND ALL I’LL NEED IS YOU HOLLY: Julia! Take that thing off! JULIA: Okay! THEY STOP AND POSE FOR A PHOTOGRAPH HE JOKES AROUND JUST TO MAKE HER LAUGH THE ROOM IS FULL BUT THEY’RE ALL ALONE THEY HAVE A LANGUAGE ALL THEIR OWN AND I’M SO JEALOUS I COULD CRY AND YET I KNOW IT WON’T BE LONG BEFORE YOU SAY WE’RE GOOD TO GO SOMEDAY WHEN IT’S ME I’LL KNOW OUR LOVE WAS MEANT TO BE NOT ONE SINGLE COMPLICATION OR CAUSE FOR HESITATION SOMEDAY WHEN THE DREAM IS COMING TRUE ALL YOU’LL NEED IS ME AND ALL I’LL NEED IS YOU WAITRESS: Julia, the bride’s getting ready to toss the bouquet HOLLY: I’ve seen the bridesmaids, we can take em. JULIA: I’m right behind you! I KNOW NOT EVERY MARRIAGE LASTS  WHEN THINGS GO BAD I’VE SEEN THE WARNING SIGNS I CALL THEM MOM AND DAD BUT SOON YOU’LL TAKE MY HAND AND PLEDGE YOUR LOVE TO ME TILL THEN I’LL JUST GET MARRIED VICARIOUSLY SOMEDAY WHEN IT’S ME I’LL KNOW OUR LOVE WAS MEANT TO BE NOT ONE SINGLE COMPLICATION OR CAUSE FOR HESITATION SOMEDAY WHEN THE DREAM IS COMING TRUE ALL YOU’LL NEED IS ME WOMEN: ALL YOU’LL NEED IS ME JULIA: AND ALL I’LL NEED IS YOU SAMMY: So, there’s a battle of the bands on the 18th in Paramus. The first prize is you get to record a demo with the guy who produces all Bon Jovi’s albums. I signed us up. ROBBIE: Uh, we have the Schwartz wedding that night. SAMMY: So what? GEORGE: So what?! ROBBIE: So we’re not supposed to show up on the most important night of somebody’s life? SAMMY: But what about our lives? Are you guys forgetting why we formed this band? Money for nothing, and chicks for free. This is a business, we gotta start thinking about it like it’s a business. Getting our music out there, advertising exploiting our contacts. GEORGE: Contacts? The only famous person we know is the weatherman from channel 2 who made a pass at you at Arby’s. SAMMY: I am not calling him. Not again. Look, we’ll figure something out. But right now, it’s time for Robbie Hart’s last night as a free man! GEORGE: Woo! ROBBIE: Guys, I appreciate the thought, but I gotta finish writing this song for my wedding tomorrow. SAMMY:  C’mon! GEORGE: What?! SAMMY: We got a whole evening planned! GEORGE: I made quiche! SAMMY: George made quiche. ROBBIE: Sorry dudes, but this song is really important to me. SAMMY: Alright, your loss bro. C’mon George, since Robbie’s not coming, I’ll buy you a lap dance instead GEORGE: Okay, you and I need to talk. ROBBIE: HERES A SONG FOR MY LOVELY. . . JULIA: Hello Glen? Oh, no, I thought you were my boyfriend. No, this is the Touch Of Class, not the Touch Of what you just said. Hey! ROBBIE: Hey! HERE’S A SONG FOR MY LOVELY. . . JULIA: What are you doing? ROBBIE: Oh, just writing a song for my fiancйe Linda JULIA: Oh that’s really sweet! She is a really lucky girl ROBBIE: Oh, no I’m the lucky one, Linda is a goddess. She came to this gig we did 7 years ago, back when I was in this metal band called Burning Sensation. Love at first sight, for both of us. I’m having trouble with this thing, and it kinda has to be done by tomorrow. JULIA: Can I hear what you’ve got so far? ROBBIE: Um, sure. JULIA: Okay. ROBBIE: Alright, it’s a little unfinished, but here we go. HERE’S A SONG FOR MY LOVELY BRIDE YOU’RE AN ANGEL SO I MUST HAVE DIED I WANNA KEEP YOU BY MY SIDE TILL THEY FILL US WITH FORMALDIHIDE JULIA: Ooh, it’s a little dark. ROBBIE: Alright, lets try this one. JULIA: Okay, lets shake that one off. ROBBIE: Shake it off! Alright, here we go. THERE’S NO ONE QUITE LIKE US WE’RE FREE AND EASY AND THERE’S NO FUSS YOU’RE HOT TO BOOT AND THAT’S A PLUS I LOVE YOU DOWN TO YOUR PANCREAS. No. JULIA: See it started out good, and then it got weird. ROBBIE: It’s hard writing a song for someone JULIA: Well, I mean, I don’t really know, but maybe you can write about how she makes you feel ROBBIE: Really? JULIA: Yeah. ROBBIE: AWESOME JULIA: Write that down! ROBBIE: AWESOME LINDA MAKES ME FEEL AWESOME AND WHEN I BRUSH MY TEETH SHE REMINDS ME TO FLOSS EM JULIA: Stupid. ROBBIE: AND IF I HAD EMPLOYEES SHE’D HELP ME TO JULIA: BOSS EM ROBBIE: Boss em, yeah! AND IF MY FISHSTICKS ARE DRY SHE’LL TARTAR JULIA: SAUCE EM ROBBIE: Oh! OH LINDA YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I INVENTED THE WHEEL JULIA: LIKE THE JUDGE UPHELD MY APPEAL ROBBIE: Yeah! LIKE A FURTRAPPER CLUBBING A SEAL JULIA: No. . .keep going! ROBBIE: OH LINDA YOU MAKE ME FEEL DON’T BE AFRAID OF A LITTLE HARMONY HERE ROBBIE & JULIA: AWESOME JULIA: Will you make me a promise? ROBBIE: Sure. JULIA: If I ever do get married, will you sing at my wedding? ROBBIE: It’s a deal. JULIA: And will you also promise not to sing that song? ROBBIE: Oh! JULIA: Oh, that’s probably Glen. ROBBIE: Alright, I better go, but thanks for the help with the song JULIA: No problem, and hey! I hope your wedding is AWESOME! I’m just gonna get the phone. Hello? GLEN: Jules, guess where I’m calling from. JULIA: Where? GLEN: My car. JULIA: How can there be a phone in a car? GLEN: It’s called a cellular phone, you can take it anywhere, the batteries a little big, but hey, the reception is primo. JULIA: Sounds cool! GLEN: Yeah, so listen, you’re gonna kill me, but Martin just scored me an extra ticket to the Knicks game. I know it’s our anniversary, so I told him forget it. But he said it’s really hard to get these seats, they’re courtside. JULIA: Well I mean hey, we can go out to dinner some other time GLEN: You’re kidding. Really? Oh baby, thank you! Listen, I’m gonna make it up to you. I’ll have my secretary make us a reservation at Il Carousel JULIA: The revolving restaurant? GLEN: Yeah, the one off exit 14. You get to see the sparkling lights of Newark every 45 minutes or so. JULIA: I have always wanted to go there! GLEN: Well you’re going. Happy anniversary baby. JULIA: Happy anniversary Glen! ROBBIE: Grandma! Can I come down yet? ROSIE: Just a second! ROBBIE:  Well you better hurry, I don’t wanna be late for my own wedding. ROSIE: Alright, you can come down. Surprise, it’s your wedding present. ROBBIE: Wow, a queen-sized bed! Thanks grandma! ROSIE: Not just any queen-sized bed. You got a quarter? ROBBIE: Okay. ROSIE: I bought it off of the Hackensack Motel 6. Don’t worry, it’s been disinfected. ROBBIE: You’re the best! ROSIE: Oh, that takes me back. You and Linda are gonna have some wedding night on this thing. Oh, then maybe you can finish writing the song for my anniversary party. I came up with some words, maybe you can set them to music? After you get back from your honeymoon of course! ROBBIE: Great. Ya know, I hope 50 years from now that Linda and I are as happy as you and grandpa are. ROSIE: Of course you will be sweetheart, you’re a born romantic, just like your father was. And I know he and your mother, God rest their souls, will be looking down on you today as you start your new life. So tell me Robbie, are you nervous? ROBBIE: A little. But you know what, I’ll be fine, I’m around weddings all the time. ROSIE: Oh not about the wedding, the wedding night. So tell me Robbie, will this be your first time with the *** intercourse? ROBBIE: Yeah, lets not talk about this ROSIE: It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Before I married your grandfather, I had already been with 8 men. ROBBIE: Okay! That’s not something I really wanted to know about! ROSIE: 8 was a lot back then. That would be like 200 men today! ROBBIE: TIME TO GO LETS NOT BE LATE ROSIE: Actually I had been with more than 8 men. There was Arnie, Sydney, Tony, Sven. . . ROBBIE: THIS TALK CAN WAIT OR JUST NOT HAPPEN ROSIE: Daniel, Steven, Adam, Pedro. And once at summer camp, Joanne Rigowski. ROBBIE: NOW AT LAST THE DREAM IS COMING TRUE CUZ ALL YOU NEED IS ME AND ALL I NEED IS YOU ALL I NEED IS YOU WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? PREIST: Robbie, do you think perhaps we should call Linda? ROBBIE: No, I’m sure she’s fine. Just running late, probably a problem with her dress, her hair or something. SAMMY: Linda’s mom just stopped by ROBBIE: That was nice of her SAMMY: She wanted me to give you this. ROBBIE: A note, excellent. LINDA: TO MY DEAREST ROBBIE I THINK WE NEED SOME SPACE PLEASE FORGIVE MY TIMING DOT DOT DOT SMILEY FACE YOU SEE I WOKE THIS MORNING PREPARED TO WALK ON AIR BUT REALIZED THAT YOU CRAMP MY STYLE AS I CRIMPED MY HAIR YOU’RE JUST NOT THAT SAME PERSON THE GUY I USED TO KNOW I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH ROBBIE NOW BUT ROBBIE 7 YEARS AGO YOU COULD HAVE BEEN IN MOTLEY CRUE OR DAVID LEE ROTH’S REPLACEMENT BUT INSTEAD YOU SING WHILE PEOPLE CHEW AND YOU LIVE IN YOUR GRANDMA’S BASEMENT I HOPE THIS NOTE IS SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN RISE ABOVE DEEP DOWN YOU WEREN’T IN LOVE WITH ME YOU WERE JUST IN LOVE WITH LOVE AND SO ITS BEST WE END THIS BEFORE WE EVEN START SIGNED YOUR PAL LINDA THE I IS DOTTED WITH A BROKEN HEART ROBBIE: Your pal? SAMMY: Alright, relax, I’ll be right back. Father, how ya doin? Mic check 1, 2. 1,2. Potato, potato. Alright, listen up. I’m afraid there’s been a bit of a snafu. GEORGE: Oh God! SAMMY: Everyone’s fine. Robbie’s fine, Linda’s fine. There’s just been a change in the .. you know, real sudden. The *** ain’t coming. GEORGE: I knew it, I hate her, I hate her! SAMMY: I am sure that we all hate her, but our focus needs to be on Robbie. Robbie? Where’d Robbie go? ROBBIE: SO WHEN IT’S MY WEDDING DAY WHO CAN GUARANTEE THAT LOVE WILL FIND ME CAUSE LOVE IS WHAT I DO HOLLY: So, the girls are taking up a collection for Robbie. We’re gonna send him a fruit basket, ya know, something nice, with Kiwis! JULIA: You know he even wrote her a song? And now she’s never gonna get to hear it. HOLLY: Well, after Glen pops the question tonight you’re gonna have to start thinking about wedding music. JULIA: Let’s not jump the gun. ANGIE: Julia, honey, are you in there? JULIA: ugh, my moms still here? ANGIE: You disappeared on me! JULIA: Aw mommy, thank you for bringing me my dress on such short notice, but I really could use some space right now. ANGIE: She’s having one of her freak outs. Listen to me honey, there are only 2 reasons why a man takes a woman to a nice place like Il Carousel. It’s either to propose to her, or to break up with her someplace where she can’t make a scene. JULIA: You think Glen’s gonna dump me? HOLLY: Nice work Aunt Angie. ANGIE: Glen’s definitely gonna pop the question. But just incase he doesn’t, you have to give him a little nudge. Try a little wink, a little smile, a little fake pregnancy. JULIA: Mom, I don’t know if that’s gonna work with Glen, I mean he’s a lot smarter then dad. What if I wasted 4 years of my life? HOLLY: You and Glen are fine. Right Aunt Ang? ANGIE: Of course! There’s not a doubt in my mind HOLLY: Trust us, tonight is the night. EVERY 5 SECONDS A GIRL GETS ENGAGED ACCORDING TO COSMOS LATEST QUIZ SO EVERY 5 SECONDS YOU GET ONE MORE CHANCE TO MAKE HIM GET DOWN ON THAT KNEE OF HIS IT’S A CHALLENGE THAT EVERY WOMAN FACES SO LET’S MAKE SURE THAT WE’VE COVERED OUR BASES ANGIE: YOU’VE LIVED OFF TAB AND LEAN CUISINE HOLLY: CONCEALED YOUR FLAWS WITH MAYBELLINE HOLLY & ANGIE: YOU’RE MINTY FRESH AND ZESTFULLY CLEAN! HOLLY: SO HES GONNA POP ANGIE: POP HOLLY: THE QUESTION HE’S GONNA POP BRIDESMAID 1: POP BRIDESMAID 3: POP ALL: THE QUESTION SO THERE’S NO REASON TO STOP AND QUESTION HIS LOVE OH POP THE QUESTION ANGIE: Oh my God, she’s like Cinderella HOLLY: And I’m like her fairy Godmother, only slutty. JULIA: EVERY 5 SECONDS I SAY TO MYSELF THAT GLEN AND I ARE BOUND TO TIE THE KNOT BUT EVERY 5 SECONDS I CAN’T HELP BUT ASK IS SOMEONE A CATCH IF THEY CAN’T BE CAUGHT COULD IT BE THE GUY HAS JUST OUTGROWN ME NO MATTER HOW YOU PRIMP ME OR OVERCOLOGNE ME AND JILTED GIRLS HAVE LOUSY STATS I’LL DIE ALONE IN SOCKS AND FLATS THE LADY WITH THE 50 CATS ALL: NO! HOLLY: HES GONNA POP JULIA: HE’LL NEVER POP HOLLY: HE’S GONNA POP JULIA: HE’LL NEVER JULIA & HOLLY: POP THE QUESTION ALL: SO THERES NO REASON TO STOP AND QUESTION HIS LOVE BRIDESMAIDS: QUESTION HIS LOVE USHER: QUESTION HIS LOVE ALL: OH POP THE QUESTION HOLLY: You’re gonna be fine, just breathe. GLEN: So I’m in the office today, trying to move 12 million dollars of new debt, when I’m thinking, I can’t sell this crap for 12 and a half. 2 seconds later, the phone rings. It’s Bowski, he wants 6 mil. Now if Ivan is buying, you know something’s up. So I go upstairs and buy the other 6 mil for ourselves. JULIA: Isn’t that like insider trading or something? GLEN: They don’t enforce that ***. JULIA: Oh. MOOKIE: Crystal? CRYSTAL: Yes Mookie? MOOKIE: Will you marry me, baby? CRYSTAL: Yes Mookie yes! What took you so long? GLEN: What was that all about? JULIA: Beats me! THE REASON WHY HE PICKED THIS PLACE  IS NOW SO CRYSTAL CLEAR LIKE OUR RELATIONSHIP  WE’RE GOING ROUND IN CIRCLES HERE AND WHERE HES’S SITTING  ITS AS IF IT ALL REVOLVES AROUND HIM DONNY: Tiffany! TIFFANY: What is it Donny? DONNY: What do you say we make it official? TIFFANY: oh my God! Donny Jr. is no longer gonna be a ***! GLEN: Everybody’s having champagne, you don’t want any, do you? JULIA: I’m cool! IF ONE MORE COUPLE GETS ENGAGED OR I HEAR ONE MORE CORK IT’S HARRY CARRIE WITH THIS FANCY LITTLE SALAD FORK HE NIXED THE BUBBLY WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN THE OUTLOOK IS GRIM GLEN: Hey man, it’s a little crazy in here tonight, right? WAITER 1: tell me about it dude, I don’t ever wanna see another proposal again in my lifetime. WAITER 2: Well, uh, maybe just one more? WAITER 1: Oh my God dude. I thought you’d never ask. JULIA: Alright that’s it Glen! I know why we’re here. GLEN: You do? JULIA: This is the end GLEN: The end of what? JULIA: You know, the end. The end of you and me as boyfriend and girlfriend GLEN: Actually yeah it is. Cuz baby, I want us to be husband and wife. JULIA: Oh my God! ALL: HE TOTALLY POPPED THE QUESTION TOTALLY POPPED THE QUESTION SO THERE’S NO REASON TO STOP AND QUESTION HIS LOVE QUESTION HIS LOVE QUESTION HIS LOVE GLEN: What do you say? JULIA: Oh, yes! ALL: HIS LOVE HE TOTALLY POPPED THE QUESTION HE TOTALLY POPPED THE QUESTION HE TOTALLY POPPED THE QUESTION HE TOTALLY POPPED THE QUESTION ROBBIE: YOU DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH I NEED YOU WHILE YOU’RE NEAR ME I DON’T FEEL BLUE AND WHEN WE KISS I KNOW YOU NEED ME TOO I CAN’T BELIEVE I FOUND A LOVE THAT’S SO PURE AND TRUE BUT IT ALL WAS *** IT WAS A GOD DAMN JOKE AND WHEN I THINK OF YOU LINDA I HOPE YOU *** CHOKE I HOPE YOU’RE GLAD WITH WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME I LAY IN BED ALL DAY LONG FEELING MELANCHOLY YOU LEFT ME HERE ALL ALONE TEARS RUNNING CONSTANTLY OH SOMEBODY KILL ME PLEASE SOMEBODY KILL ME PLEASE I’M ON MY KNEES PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE KILL ME I WANNA DIE PUT A BULLET IN MY HEAD SAMMY: Dude? George and I have been getting kinda worried. You don’t seem to be bouncing back from this so good. GEORGE: So we thought we’d come cheer you up. Though it seems what you need is not so much cheering up as anti-psychotic medication. ROBBIE: Linda was right to dump me, I haven’t done anything since high school. GEORGE: Robbie, forget her. We have a gig tonight, the McDunnah wedding. SAMMY: What is that thing? ROBBIE: Mine! GEORGE: Sammy! SAMMY: It’s the plastic bride from the top of the wedding cake. ROBBIE: It looks just like Linda, only much, much smaller. GEORGE: This is even worse then I thought. Robbie is suffering from post-traumatic perception syndrome! SAMMY: What? GEORGE: It’s what happened to Luke on General Hospital after he saw his sister thrown off Stefano’s yacht and eaten by seals! He may not be able to perform for several years! SAMMY: What do you mean? This is a critical summer for the band! What are we supposed to do without our lead singer? I am not going back to work at the Orange Julius. Look, Robbie. ROBBIE: Whatever you have to say, I don’t wanna hear it. SAMMY: I found this note taped to your basement door. I took the liberty of reading it, and I think it really helps put things into perspective ROSIE: TO MY DEAREST ROBBIE I KNOW YOU’RE FEELING LOW AND THOUGH THINGS MIGHT SEEM DISMAL THERES ONE THING YOU NEED TO KNOW YOU’LL FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU SURE AS WAVES WILL FIND THE SHORE AND WHEN YOU’RE SAD REMEMBER THAT LINDA IS A SKANKY *** SAMMY: You gotta get back on the horse Robbie. Did Rocky lay there on the campus after Apollo Creed knocked him down? No. Did Marty McFly give up just because his time machine ran out of plutonium? No. Did that hot chick from flashdance stop flashdancing just because she had a lot of welding and *** to do. ROBBIE: What the hell are you talking about? SAMMY: You gotta seize the moment man! Use your pain to fuel your rise to the top. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for us guys in the band. Come on, go out there and spread that Robbie Hart joy. Trust us, it’ll make you feel better. ROBBIE: SO WHEN IT’S YOU WEDDING DAY AND MY MUSIC IS TO PLAY BLAH BLAH BLAH LOVE WHAT DO. Alright, let’s hear it for Donatella and Shane McDunnah! You guys are off to a great start, I mean uh, Donatella showed up so you gotta be pretty excited, right Scott? SHANE: Shane. ROBBIE: Whatever. Yeah, you found true love. Whoop-de-do. But what is true love? Don’t ask me, I never had it, I thought I did. FATHER: Hey buddy, I’m not paying you to hear you’re your thoughts on life, I’m paying you to sing. ROBBIE: One more outburst from you sir and I’ll bludgeon you to death with this microphone. HOLLY: He just had his heart broken. What idiot convinced him to come back to work? SAMMY: People can be such ***. JULIA: Robbie, maybe coming back tonight wasn’t a good idea. You seem a little emotional. ROBBIE: How can I have any emotions when my soul has been eaten by the devil!?!? JULIA: We’ll get you a nice glass of water HOLLY: And a cookie! ROBBIE: Yeah, we’re all hoping to find true love. But you know what the opposite of hope is? You sir, with the bad haircut, any clue? BAD HAIRCUT GUY: you don’t like my haircut? ROBBIE: No I don’t. The flipside of hope my friends is fear. Fear! I mean take me for example. As I’ve watched Donatella and Shane cut their cake, and have their first dance, and blah blah blah I’ve been seized with this panic. This bone crushing panic that I’ll never find my Donatella, or my special someone. But maybe it’s all a trick. Maybe there is no special someone out there for me or anybody else. I mean Shane, buddy, come on, how special is Donatella? She sweats more than any woman I’ve ever seen! I mean she is a sweaty, sweaty woman! And Shane, I’ve only known her for an hour, but that whiney baby talk thing is already driving me crazy! DONATELLA: Shane, he’s hurting my feewings! ROBBIE: Oh, I’m sowwy Donatewwa! I’m sawwy I fawgot! You’re in love! Well some of us are never gonna get to experience that. I know I never will. I’m pretty sure that guy right there won’t. Or the chick with the sideburns. Pretty much everybody at table 9. But the worst part is that me, and ugly guy, and sideburns lady, and the mutants at table 9 have to sit here and act like we’re so happy for you because you’re in love! Well maybe we aren’t happy for you! Maybe we’re not happy at all! I THOUGHT I HAD THE KIND OF LOVE YOU FIND IN FAIRYTALES BUT THEN MY GIRL RIPPED OUT MY HEART WITH HER PLASTIC PRESS ON NAILS SO IF YOU FELT THE KIND OF PAIN THIS LOSERS SINGING OF THEN LET ME HEAR YOU SAY IT I’M A CASUALTY OF LOVE JUST A CASUALTY OF LOVE SIDEBURNS GIRL: I’m a casualty of love! ROBBIE: Woo, tell me about it! SIDEBURNS GIRL: I put a top hat on my cat and asked him to my prom TREKKIE: I was stood up by my date, and by date I mean my mom. TWINKIE LADY: Each night I open up my mouth and give those Twinkies a shove ROBBIE: Well I know why you do it YOU’RE A CASUALTY OF LOVE. TABLE 9: I’M A CASUALTY OF LOVE ROBBIE: JUST A CASUALTY OF LOVE TABLE 9: I’M A CASUALTY OF LOVE ROBBIE: WE’RE FROM DIFFERENT WALKS OF LIFE AND DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW BUT WE COME TOGETHER NOW THROUGH OUR HATRED OF YOU ROBBIE & TABLE 9: CAUSE WE’RE CASUALTIES OF LOVE ROBBIE: LOVES A TRICK, LOVES A TRAP LOVES A HOT CHICK WITH THE CLAP LOVES A HOAX, LOVES A TEASE A PINATA FULL OF BEES LOVES A JOKE, LOVES A SCAM A SARGEANT SLAUGHTERED BY HIS MAN LOVES A WOUND, WATCH IT BLEED LOVES THE ONLY THING I . . . AND YOU’LL END UP JUST LIKE US CAUSE TRUST ME, LOVE ALWAYS ENDS YOU’LL BE FAT, DIVORCED, AND BROKE WHILE SHE HAS SEX WITH ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS YOU’LL BE CASUALTIES OF LOVE TABLE 9: LOVES A TRICK, LOVES A TRAP LOVES A HOT CHICK WITH THE CLAP LOVES A WOUND, WATCH IT BLEED ALL: LOVES THE ONLY THING I NEED I NEED ROBBIE: NO ONE’S EVER GONNA LOVE A CASUALTY OF LOVE Uh oh. SHANE: You suck! JULIA: Robbie, are you okay? ROBBIE: Did everybody leave? JULIA: Pretty much, except for a few cops who are still interviewing witnesses. ROBBIE: I think I’m laying in creamed corn. JULIA: Robbie, why don’t you get out of there and go home? ROBBIE: No, I live here now. JULIA: Robbie, I know you’re upset about Linda, but what was so special about her anyway? What kind of a goddess would screw over a great guy like you. You’re gonna be so much happier when you meet someone new. ROBBIE: I’m never gonna meet anybody new. JULIA: Well, not in there you won’t. ROBBIE: Maybe I was stupid to get engaged in the first place. Look at you, you’re not engaged, and you’re happy. JULIA: Yeah, well, actually . . . ROBBIE: Wait, you got engaged? JULIA: Yay! ROBBIE: Oh. JULIA: Oh, Robbie, hey you’re still gonna sing at my wedding right? You promised, remember? ROBBIE: Look Julia, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but it’s just not gonna work JULIA: SO TONIGHT YOU MADE SOME MISTAKES I’LL ADMIT YOU HIT A FEW BUMPS BUT I HATE TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS DOWN ON YOUR LUCK, DOWN IN THE DUMPS THOUGH HOPE MIGHT SEEM IN SHORT SUPPLY YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON YOU HAVE TO TRY SO COME OUT OF THE DUMPSTER DON’T LEAVE ME STANDING HERE COME OUT OF THE DUMPSTER ITS OKAY THE COAST IS CLEAR THE COP CARS ARE LEAVING CHANNEL 5 PACKED UP ITS CREW SO COME OUT OF THE DUMPSTER I’LL BE RIGHT HERE WAITING FOR YOU ROBBIE: Okay, I’ll try JULIA: Okay! SO YOU’RE BACK IN THE DUMPSTER WELL THAT’S LIKE A METAPHOR EVERYONE HAS A DUMPSTER A STUMBLING BLOCK THEY CAN’T IGNORE BUT TO FIGHT IT MAKES YOU STRONGER AND NEXT TIME YOU MIGHT STAND SO SOME OUT OF THE DUMPSTER HERE, TAKE A HOLD OF MY HAND SO YOUR FIRST DAY BACK WASN’T ALL YOU ANTICIPATED ROBBIE: I BIT THE BEST MAN  THE BRIDE HAD TO BE SEDATED JULIA: THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENS ALL THE TIME WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU GARBAGE, YOU USE IT TO CLIMB LOOK! YOU’RE OUT OF THE DUMPSTER WAS THAT SO HARD AFTER ALL? IT WAS ONLY A DUMPSTER ROBBIE: AND FROM HERE IT LOOKS SO SMALL JULIA: SO YOU’RE BACK WHERE YOU STARTED ON YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS SO, WILL YOU SING AT MY WEDDING? ROBBIE: NO. JULIA: Robbie, music is your life, you can’t just give it all up. ROBBIE: I’m sorry, I just can’t sing at weddings anymore JULIA: Yeah, well maybe you could start out slow. Ya know, get your feet wet. There have to be other functions you can sing at besides weddings. ROBBIE: Other functions? What does that mean? It means today Jared Shapiro has left childish things behind. Today Jared Shapiro has entered the world of adulthood. Today Jared Shapiro, you are a man. That’s right kid I’m talking to you. THERE’S A GIFT FROM EVERY GUEST ROBBIE, SAMMY,& GEORGE: TODAY YOU ARE A MAN ROBBIE: THE COCKTAIL FRANKS HAVE ALL BEEN BLESSED ROBBIE, SAMMY,& GEORGE: TODAY YOU ARE A MAN ROBBIE: YOUR GOYIM FRIENDS HAVE BEEN AGOG SINCE THEY LEFT THE SYNAGOGUE DRUNK ON SCHNAPPS AND IN A FOG AND SPEAKING HEBREW BEST THEY CAN SAMMY: L’Chaim ROBBIE, SAMMY,& GEORGE: CAUSE YOU’RE ARE A MAN ROBBIE: THERE’S YOUR WAITRESS DRESSED UP LIKE A GO-GO GEORGE: BUT REMEMBER SHIKSAS ARE A NO NO ROBBIE: GO SHAKE HANDS WITH EACH TOM, ***, AND HERSCHEL SAMMY:  THEY’LL BE SCHVITZING AND WHATS EVEN WORSE ROBBIE, SAMMY,& GEORGE: YOU’LL HAVE TO KISS YOUR AUNTS AND WATCH YOUR ZEYDE DANCE BUT REMEMBER THIS IT COULD BE 10 TIMES WORSE AT LEAST ITS NOT YOUR BRISS YOUR BRISS TODAY YOU ARE A . . . ROBBIE: BOY, BOY, BOY, BOY, BOY, BOY, BOY, BOY, BOY SAMMY & GEORGE: Boy? ROBBIE: No! ROBBIE, SAMMY,& GEORGE: A MAN! OLE! ROBBIE: Thank you, thank you. Now before we bring up Grandpa Moisha to bless the Challah, I’d like to bring the room down a little bit, can I get some mood lighting? Nice. Now George our keyboardist has prepared something special for our last number tonight, so I don’t wanna see anyone sitting this one out. Break it down for us Georgey. GEORGE: OH AH AH AH OH WOOOOH BARUCH ATAH ADONAI ELOHEINU MELECH ALAM JULIA: Hey, I thought you could use a cold one ROBBIE: Thanks! No one’s dancing. JULIA: They’re 13, boys and girls aren’t interested in each other yet. ROBBIE: It’s true. It isn’t until later that the sickness creeps in. JULIA: Hey, maybe we should help George out, you know, just get the ball rolling ROBBIE: Sure. JULIA: So, does it feel good to be back? ROBBIE: Yeah, you were right, I owe you one. JULIA: It is so funny that you should say that, because Glen and I, we were supposed to go register today, but now some clients of his are in town so blah blah blah. ROBBIE: That’s brilliant! He just got out of doing all the wedding crap that guys hate to do! JULIA:  It’s not funny, now I have to go all by myself. If only there was someone who knew all about weddings who could help me out. GEORGE: SHEHECHEYANU V'KIY'MANU V'HIGYANU LAZMAN HAZEH HOLLY: You have got to be kidding me. SAMMY: We’re just two friends dancing. Remember when we broke up, you said you still wanted to be friends. HOLLY: I only said that so you would get off the hood of my car. ROBBIE: So how did you know this Glen guy was the one? JULIA: The one? Well I guess I always thought the right one was the one I could vision myself growing old with. Glen is so smart and good looking and I was amazed that a guy like that would be interested in someone like me, you know, just a waitress. SAMMY: Remember that time we were dancing in that club and my pants fell down? HOLLY: Yeah, that was kinda funny SAMMY: Yeah, we had a pretty good laugh. Man were you hot back then. What did I say? JULIA: Alright Robbie, what do I have to do to get you to help me out. Come on, I’ll buy you a smoothie! ROBBIE: Alright, I’ll meet you out front in ten minutes JULIA: Oh Robbie you’re the best! GEORGE: AMEN AMEN Oh SHAPIRO FAMILY I SAID AMEN OOH HOO AMEN JULIA: Ooh, look. I love the china with the floral patterns. Look at the little daffodils, and the rosebuds . . . ROBBIE: What are you 80 years old? No guys gonna wanna eat off of that. Just go with white, everything else is gonna clash with the tablecloth you bought. JULIA: You mean the one you forced me to buy? ROBBIE: It was 50 percent off! JULIA: It was 80 percent ugly. Besides, we’re not supposed to be buying stuff, we’re supposed to be registering for stuff. ROBBIE: Let’s see if this registers, you’re picking out crap! SALESWOMAN: Kids, relax! I see this stuff all the time, pre-wedding jitters. ROBBIE & JULIA: What? SALESWOMAN: My advice is, be very careful IT’S A TRICKY SITUATION FIRST FIGHT I’VE SEEN COUPLES FACE DISASTER WHY NOT TELL YOURSELVES YOU’RE BOTH WRONG, BOTH RIGHT IT MEANS THAT YOU’LL MAKE UP FASTER ROBBIE: I HATE TO TELL YOU BUT WE’RE NOT WITH EACH OTHER WE’RE SISTER AND BROTHER JULIA: AND HES THE SLOW ONE ROBBIE: SHES AN IDIOT ACCORDING TO MOTHER JULIA: IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE ROBBIE & JULIA: TELL THE NIGHT TO SAVE ITS MOONLIGHT TELL THE BIRDS NOT TO SING TELL THE STARS IN THE HEAVENS THEY’VE BEEN MISALIGNED CAUSE ITS NOT THAT KIND OF THING ROBBIE: Hey, what about these? JULIA: Are you nuts? I’m not gonna register for black towels. ROBBIE: But black towels don’t get dirty CRYSTAL: Look, a sale on towels! Hold my purse for me? MOOKIE: Baby, please, no. CRYSTAL: I said hold it! JULIA: Robbie, hold my purse? ROBBIE: No! JULIA: I said hold it! CRYSTAL: YOU GET STUCK WITH THEM FOR BETTER JULIA: OR WORSE CRSYTAL & JULIA: NO MATTER WHICH WAY YOU STACK IT MOOKIE & ROBBIE: IT’S IMMASCULATING HOLDING A PURSE ROBBIE: AND IT DOESN’T MATCH MY JACKET YOUR EVIL SCHEME HAS WORKED OUT JUST AS YOU PLANNED IT I NOW UNDERSTAND IT JULIA: I SHOP, YOU CARRY ROBBIE: I DO THE WORK AND YOU MAKE OUT LIKE A BANDIT JULIA: It’s true! ROBBIE: No, it’s scary JULIA: No, you’re scary ROBBIE: No, this is scary! ALL: TELL THE NIGHT TO SAVE ITS MOONLIGHT TELL THE BIRDS NOT TO SING TELL THE STARS IN THE HEAVENS THEY’VE BEEN MISALIGNED ROBBIE & JULIA: CAUSE IT’S NOT THAT KIND OF THING HOLLY: Hey guys, where are we going? JULIA: The bridal shop. HOLLY: Oh my God, shut up, let’s go! ROBBIE: TRUE THERE ARE TIMES WHEN HERE EYES MEET MINE AND LINGER THERE MAYBE A BIT TO LONG JULIA: AND I WONDER IS THERE SOMETHING HIDDEN IN HIS STARE ROBBIE & JULIA: NO, I COULDN’T BE MORE WRONG ALL: TELL THE NIGHT TO SAVE ITS MOONLIGHT TELL THE BIRDS NOT TO SING TELL THE STARS IN THE HEAVENS THEY’VE BEEN MISALIGNED CAUSE ITS NOT THAT KIND NO ITS NOT THAT KIND NO ITS NOT THAT KIND OF THING JULIA: Oh my God, that’s the dress! That’s the dress I’m meant to get married in. Could you picture me in it? HOLLY: Yeah. JULIA: Do you think I’ll look alright? ROBBIE: You’ll look beautiful. No, I mean the dress. This is nice. I like this thing. Do you think they bedazzled this? HOLLY: You’re gonna look great. Glen is not gonna be able to keep his hands off you, the wedding kiss is gonna be super sloppy. JULIA: Ew! In front of God, and all our relatives and stuff? I think everyone would be a little grossed out. HOLLY: Well, what do you wanna do? Thin, tight mouth and it’s over? JULIA: No, thin, partly opened, no tongue. Over. HOLLY: No tongue? You need a little tongue. JULIA: Okay, like a sliver of tongue, but not *** tongue. Church tongue. HOLLY: Church tongue, what is church tongue? JULIA: I don’t know, it’s hard to describe. HOLLY: Why don’t you show me? ROBBIE: Okay, gotta go! HOLLY: Just shut up, and hold still. Come on! We’re all adults here! I’m gonna have to see it if I’m gonna make an educated decision. JULIA: Well, if it’s for educational purposes ROBBIE: You may kiss the bride JULIA: I do. ROBBIE: I do too! HOLLY: Okay, whatever that was was really good! Do that at the wedding. Thanks Robbie! ROBBIE: Julia? JULIA: Yes Robbie? GLEN: Word up mofos! JULIA: Glen, what are you doing here? GLEN: I was just next door picking you up a little present. JULIA: But you’re not supposed to see my dress before the wedding, it’s bad luck GLEN: Why don’t you let me worry about our luck? JULIA: Glen this is Robbie. GLEN: Oh yeah I heard all about the Robster. Thanks for helping Julia out with all the wedding stuff, I owe you one. ROBBIE: Hey Glen I kissed her but it didn’t mean anything. GLEN: Kissed who? HOLLY: Me! GLEN: Who hasn’t? ROBBIE: Well I better go. GLEN: Anyway, Jules, I got you this new gadget. It’s called a CD Player. It cost me 900 bucks. Your fiancйe moved more paper than anyone on the desk last month, so I got a sweet little bonus. JULIA: Oh, that’s so sweet Glen. You’re like an expert in junk bonds. GLEN: They’re not junk bonds, Jules, they’re high yield debt instruments. JULIA: Oh well, thanks for the present. GLEN: Hold on, I gotta take this. Guglia. HOLLY: Oh my God, Robbie is so amazingly cute. I think I should go out with him. JULIA: Yeah, you’re single and he’s single so it makes sense. HOLLY: Hey, if you don’t want me to, I won’t do it. JULIA: Why wouldn’t I want you to? HOLLY: Great! Then I’m gonna go out with him! GLEN: Go out with who? HOLLY: Robbie. GLEN: Good, that guy needs to get laid. HOLLY: Hey, just because he’s going out with me doesn’t mean he’s gonna get laid. Alright, he probably will. WHEN THE WEEKEND ROLLS AROUND I HOUND THE HOTTEST SPOTS MY FAVORITE CLUB’LL ALWAYS DOUBLE ALL MY *** SHOTS GOT MY SKINTIGHT BOUSTIER AND PLASTIC CRUCIFIX TONIGHT WE’RE GONNA PARTY LIKE ITS 1986 CAUSE ITS SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY ALL: IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY HOLLY: ONCE YOU PASS THE VELVET ROPES YOUR WILDEST DREAMS COME TRUE JULIA: THE DANCE FLOOR SMOKE GLEN: A BUMP OF COKE GEORGE: AND EVERYTHING TABOO ROBBIE: OOH I’VE GOT A PAIR OF PARACHUTE PANTS THAT GRANDMA BOUGHT ME TO WEAR SAMMY: CAN’T WAIT TILL CHICKS START FLOCKING TO MY FLOCK OF SEAGULLS HAIR ALL: NEW YORK IS RESERVED FOR THE RICH AND PROUD WELL HERE COMES THE BRIDGE AND TUNNEL CROWD CAUSE ITS SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY ITS SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY HOLLY: Come on! MEN: OUT ON THE PROWL WOMEN: AND DRESSED TO IMPRESS ALL: HOPING SUNDAY MORNING YOU’LL HAVE SINS TO CONFESS GOTHS PUNKS AND POSERS AND YUPPIE SCUMS GALORE EVERYBODY’S EQUAL WHEN THEY’RE CRASHING ON THE FLOOR CAUSE ITS SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY YEAH ITS SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NGHT IN THE CITY GLEN: Whoa, look at the wedding singer go! Holly is gonna rock his world tonight. JULIA: Yeah, she’s kinda into him. GLEN: Anything wrong baby? JULIA: No, why would anything be wrong, let’s get drunk. Excuse me, can I have a double shot of that brown stuff, and uh, keep them coming?  ALL: SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY ROBBIE: Hey Glen! Is Julia okay? GLEN: Yeah, she’s fine. She’s just nervous about the wedding. ROBBIE: well hey, any girl would be lucky to be Mrs. . . GLEN: Guglia. ROBBIE: Guglia? So, Julia’s last name is gonna be Guglia? Julia Guglia. That’s funny GLEN: Why is that funny? ROBBIE: I don’t know. ALL: WOAH, WOAH SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY ROBBIE: well uh, you must be excited GLEN: Actually I’m not into the whole big wedding thing. If it was up to me, I’d hop a plane to Vegas. ROBBIE: Are you checking out that waitress’s ***? GLEN: Come on, that’s a fine, fine *** right there ROBBIE: It’s a shame guys like us can’t get something like that GLEN: Speak for yourself. ROBBIE: Yeah? Too bad you’ll have to give all that up once you’re married. GLEN: I work in the city man, and I work long hours. ALL: WOAH, WOAH SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY HOLLY: Don’t Robbie and I totally seem like a couple? I mean we look so good together! GLEN: Sure, why not? JULIA: I think we all of us make cute couples totally together right? Hey, did I tell you Glen and I got engaged? Engaged to be married! ROBBIE: Yeah, you already told us that a couple weeks ago. Is she okay, she seems a little tipsy. JULIA: I am not tipsy! I’m hammered! GLEN: Okay baby time to go home. ROBBIE: Maybe I should go help Glen. HOLLY: Forget him, forget everybody! CHECK OUT THE VIEW YOU’LL LIKE WHAT YOU SEE MY BODY’S AN AMUSEMENT PARK THE FIRST RIDE’S ON ME DON’T STOP TO QUESTION IF YOU’RE GONNA SCORE BEING YOUNG AND STUPID IS WHAT SATURDAY IS FOR ALL: IS WHAT SATURDAY IS FOR CAUSE ITS SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY ITS SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY HOLLY: That wasn’t anything like that kiss you gave Julia ROBBIE: Holly. . .  HOLLY: I can’t believe I never noticed it. ROBBIE: What? HOLLY: You have a thing for Julia. ROBBIE: No I don’t. I mean I think she’s great, but she’s marrying that jerk off Glen. HOLLY: Well, you might not think Glen’s Mr. Perfect, but you know why she’s marrying him don’t you? ROBBIE: The money thing? Security, nice house? I guess that’s important to some people these days. HOLLY: It’s not important to some people, it’s important to all people. ROBBIE: I’m in big trouble then. Maybe I can change, maybe I. . . HOLLY: Robbie! She’s marrying Glen. GLEN: See, I told you some fresh air would make you feel better JULIA: You are like so awesome, and your hair is so hard. GLEN: Uh-huh. The valet’s pulling the car around, let’s get you home and in bed. ROBBIE: TELL THE NIGHT TO SAVE ITS MOONLIGHT TELL THE BIRDS NOT TO SING TELL YOURSELF THAT YOU MUST HAVE BEEN OUT OF YOUR MIND JULIA: What would I ever do without you Glen? ROBBIE: CAUSE ITS NOT THAT KIND NO ITS NOT THAT KIND OF THING! HOLLY: SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY ALL: ITS SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY ITS SATURDAY NIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT  SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY ROBBIE: Julia, don’t marry Glen. Jerk off. HOLLY: Well, you might not think Glen’s Mr. Perfect, buy you know why she’s marrying him, don’t you? ROBBIE: You mean the money thing? Security, the nice house? Well yes dream Holly, I guess that’s important to some people these days. HOLLY: It’s not important to some people, it’s important to all people, all people, all people. ROBBIE: Well I’m in big. . . HOLLY: All people ROBBIE: Well I’m in big trouble then. Maybe I can change. HOLLY: All people ROBBIE: Maybe I can change! ALL: WANNA BE SOMEBODY? WANNA BE SOMEBODY? WOMAN 1: Mr. Guglia, there’s a Robbie Hart here to see you. GLEN: Robbie who? Oh, right the wedding singer, yeah sure send him in. Roberto, welcome to the center of the universe. What can I do ya for? ROBBIE: Well Glen, I was hoping you could help me out. It’s pretty clear I’m going nowhere right now, and I need to start making some money ALL: SELL HIGH, BUY LOW, LEVERAGE YOUR PORTFOLIO GLEN: So, what kind of experience do you have? ROBBIE: Not any really. But I’m a big fan of money. I like it. I use it. I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I would like to put more money in that jar and that’s where you come in GLEN: Well Robbie, you’ve come to the right place. This is the dawn of a new entrepreneurial age, can’t you smell it? ALL: COOL RUNS, CASH FLOWS, MBA’S AND IPO’S ROBBIE: So does that mean you’re gonna help me? GLEN: Help you? Robbie, I’m gonna make you a millionaire! ROBBIE: I don’t think I can be as successful as you Glen. GLEN: Well you’ll be starting out in the mailroom of course. But this is America Robbie, anything can happen! THERE’S A BIG SHINY FUTURE YOU’VE BEEN DYING TO BUY BETTER START POWER LUNCHING IN YOUR POWER TIE YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR FATE TO SOMEHOW INTERVENE BUT IF YOU WANNA BE SOMEBODY IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN ROBBIE: I’m sure it’s a little more complicated GLEN: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN SOME MAY SAY YOU’RE HEADED DOWN A CROOKED TRAIL BUT IF YOU SELL YOUR SOUL AT LEAST YOU’VE MADE A SALE YOU COULD END WORLD HUNGER OR CREATE A VACCINE BUT IF YOU WANNA BE SOMEBODY IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN ALL: WANNA BE SOMEBODY? GLEN: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN ALL: WANNA BE SOMEBODY? GLEN: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BIG BUCKS FAT CHECKS MIDNIGHT FLIGHTS TO LAX SLUSH FUNDS, HIGH FIVES TRADING STOCKS AND TRADING WIVES C-NOTES, HALF G’S BUYING OUT THE JAPANESE LAND DEALS DOWN IN BOCA DOING DRINKS WITH IOCOCCA  IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN ALL: WANNA BE SOMEBODY? GLEN: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN ALL: WANNA BE SOMEBODY? GLEN: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE WOMAN 2: Hey Guglia! I just got back from Seattle. There’s a coffee store there, that’s thinking of going national, did you get my memo on that? GLEN: Nobody’s ever gonna pay 3 bucks for a cup of coffee! Now bring me some real tips! MAN 1: I’ve got something! My brother in law works for coca-cola. Says they’re changing their formula. Gonna sell it as new coke! GLEN: New coke. That’s brilliant! Buy all the coca-cola stock you can get your hands on. See Robbie?  IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN ALL: WANNA BE SOMEBODY? GLEN: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN ALL: WANNA BE SOMEBODY GLEN: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BANK ROLLS, LEGAL TENDER STRIPPERS SCREAMING WOMAN 3: HEY BIG SPENDER ALL: CUT THROAT FIRM EXPANSION REGROUP AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION BLUE CHIPS, PINK SLIPS FOREIGN BEERS AND EGO TRIPS BANK BOARDS GETTING ANTSY GLEN: JELLY BEANS FROM RON AND NANCY YEAH IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN ALL: WANNA BE SOMEBODY? GLEN: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN ALL: WANNA BE SOMEBODY? GLEN: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE CORPORATE HACKS LIKE STABBING BACKS AND TWISTING ARMS REAL SLOW BUT YOU ONLY HOLLER UNCLE IF YOUR UNCLE IS THE CEO YEAH IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN ALL: WANNA BE SOMEBODY? GLEN: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN ALL: WANNA BE SOMEBODY? GLEN: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE QUICK DEAL LIQUIDIDATION SNL DEREGULATION GRAND SLAM STRONG GAINER DERSCHOWITZ ON RETAINER OUTPUT INCOME SKIMMING OFF A TINY SUM REAGANOMICS QUID PRO QUO ALL: THE GOP IS SRO GLEN: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE ROBBIE: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE PAY DIRT SHUCK AND JIVE GLEN: 5 TO 9 ROBBIE: NOT 9 TO 5 GLEN: KICKBACKS ROBBIE: PAYOLA ROBBIE & GLEN: INSIDE TIPS ON PEPSI COLA GLEN: NASDAQ ROBBIE: DOW JONES ROBBIE & GLEN: WORSHIPPING THE MILKEN CLONES OLD CIGARS NEW CAMARO YO QUIERO MORE DINERO ALL: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN ROBBIE: I WANNA BE SOMEBODY ALL: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN ROBBIE & GLEN: WANNA BE SOMEBODY  ALL: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN WANNA BE SOMEBODY IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN WANNA BE SOMEBODY ABOUT THE GREEN WANNA BE SOMEBODY ABOUT THE GREEN IT’S ALL ABOUT THE  BIG BUCKS, FAT CHECKS MIDNIGHT FLIGHTS TO LAX SLUSH FUNDS HIGH FIVES TRADING STOCKS AND TRADING WIVES C NOTES, HALF G’S BUYING OUT THE JAPANESE LAND DEALS DOWN IN BOCA DOING DRINKS WITH IACOCCA IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN WANNA BE SOMEBODY IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN WANNA BE SOMEBODY IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN WANNA BE SOMEBODY IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GREEN WANNA BE SOMEBODY GLEN: GREEN WANNA BE SOMEBODY WANNA BE SOMEBODY WANNA BE SOMEBODY HOLLY: Wow, she’s alive! After that night at the club I thought you’d be out of commission for at least a week. JULIA: That wasn’t me! That was my evil twin, Drunky McWasted. So, how’d things go that night with Robbie? Anything happen? HOLLY: We kissed. JULIA: Well, did you kiss him, or did he kiss you? HOLLY: I kissed him okay? But that’s it. JULIA: So you guys didn’t . . . HOLLY: Nope, nothing. I’ll tell ya, he sure doesn’t think much of Glen though. Said he’s a real ***. JULIA: Why would he say Glen is a jerk off? HOLLY: Who knows? Maybe he’s just jealous. JULIA: Jealous, why? Did he say that? Did he use the actual specific word jealous? HOLLY: Well, jealous of Glen’s success I mean. What else could he have meant? You know these guitar players, they’re fun to hang out with, but at the end of the day women want someone stable. Someone with a house, a car, or a real job. Someone like Glen. JULIA: Wanna know a secret? I think Glen was a little sweeter when he had less. Do you think that money changes people? HOLLY: Yes, for the better. JULIA: SOMEDAY WHEN IT’S ME I’LL HOPE OUR LOVE WAS MEANT TO BE NOT ONE SINGLE COMPLICATION OR CAUSE FOR HESITATION SOMEDAY WHEN THE DREAM IS COMING TRUE WILL YOU BE RIGHT FOR ME WILL I BE RIGHT FOR . . . SAMMY: Where’s the beef? That lady’s hilarious when she says that, right? Hey Holly, I brought you some decorations for Julia’s bachelorette party. HOLLY: Surprise bachelorette party! JULIA: It’s okay, I didn’t hear anything. SAMMY: So my mom had some had some leftover decorations and *** from my dad’s parole party. HOLLY: Great. Nothing says bachelorette fun like streamers that say ‘welcome home Snitch’ SAMMY: Why you gotta be busting my chops all the time? I bet it’s cause you’re still not over me. And that’s why you were all over Robbie the other night, to make me jealous. Right? HOLLY: Why don’t you ask Robbie? What the hell is this? SAMMY: It’s one of those roses you buy at the Sunoco station. HOLLY: Comes with an air freshener? SAMMY: Well I remember the other day you said your car smelled like McRib and socks. HOLLY: No, I said you smelled like McRib and socks. SAMMY: Well lucky for you the McRib is only available for a limited time. And you know what Holly? So am I. HOLLY: Sammy! EVERYTIME YOU SEE HIS FACE YOU GET ANNOYED AND IF IGNORANCE IS BLISS HE’S OVERJOYED AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT STUFF HE CALLS HIS HAIR BUT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF ONE DAY HE WASN’T THERE YOU’RE CAUGHT BY SURPRISE COULD YOU WAKE UP ONE DAY AND REALIZE THE ONE THAT YOU WANT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES EVERY NIGHT A HUNDRED GUYS COME THROUGH THE DOOR THEY TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY EACH TIME THEY TAKE THE FLOOR AND THEY’VE GOT THE BUX THE TUX THE KILLER FACE BUT YOU’RE STILL THINKING OF THAT *** WITH THE BASS YOU’RE CAUGHT BY SURPRISE COULD YOU WAKE UP ONE DAY AND REALIZE THE ONE THAT YOU WANT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES YOU MIGHT HAVE A CHAMPAGNE WISH OR TWO PLUS A CAVIAR DREAM BUT ARE THE LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS REALLY ALL THEY SEEM SAMMY: THE ONE THAT YOU WANT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES HOLLY: YOU’RE CAUGHT BY SURPRISE COULD YOU WAKE UP ONE DAY AND REALIZE THE ONE THAT YOU WANT THE ONE THAT YOU WANT THE ONE THAT YOU WANT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES JULIA: Rosie? Rosie! ROSIE: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. Would you like to join me in ‘Sweating To The Oldies’?  JULIA: Maybe later. I have a little present for Robbie, I just wanted to bring it by. ROSIE: Oh what is it, come, sit down. JULIA: Here, let me help you. Okay, it’s blank sheet music for Robbie to write songs. I wrote his name real fancy on the top of each page. I mean it’s not a big deal, but I wanted to get him a little something for helping me with all the wedding stuff. ROSIE: Well, I’m sure he’ll love it. But I don’t know when I’m coming back. Sammy and George stopped by earlier looking for him too, and I just didn’t have the heart to tell them that Robbie’s quitting the band. JULIA: He’s quitting? Rosie, I don’t believe it! ROSIE: He went down to Wall Street to get a real job. Well, it’s perfectly understandable, isn’t it? He wants to move out of my basement and live someplace where he doesn’t have to listen to the water heater or the floorboards creak when grandpa and I are having our special time. JULIA: Robbie’s a musician. What’s he gonna do in New York with all those cutthroat MBA’s. ROBBIE: I eat MBA’s for lunch, lady. JULIA: What? ROBBIE: I went to see your fiancйe and he hooked me up. I mean right now, I’m just sorting mail, but if I keep y eye on the prize. . . JULIA: You went to work for Glen? ROBBIE: Correct-a-mundo! Oh, uh, grandma! I’m gonna have to take a rain check on finishing that tune for your poem. I’m just swamped. ROSIE: That’s all right dear. JULIA: What’s going on with you Robbie? Is it true you’re quitting the band? ROBBIE: Let’s face it, that band was a waste of my time. I mean, I’m never gonna get anywhere in life writing songs about hearts and flowers. It’s time to start looking out for number one. JULIA: I thought you were above all that material ***. ROBBIE: Well, we are living in a material world, and I am a material girl. Guy! JULIA: What? ROBBIE: You know what I’m talking about. You’re into that material ***. JULIA: Me? Robbie, I’m a waitress and I live with my mom. ROBBIE: Exactly, and that’s the only reason you’re marrying Glen, because he’s got money. JULIA: You’re an ***. ROBBIE: Words and music by Robert J. Hart.  RICKY: Can I get you something Robbie? ROBBIE: I am an ***! RICKY: I don’t know that one, is that a *** drink? ROBBIE: I don’t know what to do. BUM: Hey! Are you drinking or not? ROBBIE: That’s the idea man! IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BUD LIGHT, BOURBAN CHASER SLOW GIN FIZZ AND MIND ERASER ROB ROY, VELVET HAMMER BUM: ONE MORE ALABAMA SLAMMER ROBBIE: RUM FIZZ RICKY: LIME TWIST ALL: *** IS NOW MY THERAPIST BUM: MAI TAI RICKY: WHISKEY SOUR ALL: NO ONE CRIES AT HAPPY HOUR ROBBIE: CAUSE IT’S ALL ABOUT THE SAMMY: Hey man, how come you’re not at your new Wall Street job? ROBBIE: I called in sick. SAMMY: On your second day? ROBBIE: Ugh, stop nagging me! Now either start drinking or get out. SAMMY: I don’t know who this guy is anymore. He missed 2 rehearsals, makes out with my ex girlfriend. Guys like us should have a pact, we should never make out with each others chicks. GEORGE: Well you got a deal there pumpkin. Ricky, pink squirrel? SAMMY: You gotta snap outta this Robbie! If something good doesn’t happen soon with the band, they’re gonna make me a manager at the Orange Julius and then I’ll never get out. ROBBIE: You know what I learned about women? Just have fun with them. But no, you get emotionally involved and they, they, what do they do? BUM: They rip your heart outta your ***! ROBBIE: Exactly!  SAMMY: Did something happen with Holly? ROBBIE: Holly? No, we kissed once I’m not in love with Holly.  SAMMY: Thank you Jesus! ROBBIE: I’m in love with Julia. SAMMY: Julia? What up with that bro? ROBBIE: I know, she’s engaged to somebody else. And to make things worse, I tried to become more like Glen, and now she hates my guts. BUM: You need a ***! ROBBIE: No. No, you know what? From now on I’m gonna be with a new chick every night! And when I’m done with them I’m gonna send them packing. SAMMY: Yeah, now you’re talking! Guys like us, we don’t need no steady chick holding us down. It’s much better flying solo. Trust me. NO ONE TELLS YOU HOW YOU OUGHT TO LIVE NO ONE GLARES WHEN YOU DO JELLO SHOOTERS ALL: JELLO SAMMY: AND NO ONE SAYS THAT YOU’RE INSENSITIVE CAUSE HER BIRTHDAY MEAL TOOK PLACE AT *** ALL: *** SAMMY: NO ONE TELLS YOU THAT YOUR BALD SPOTS GROWN OR THAT YOU OUGHT TO TONE YOUR FLAB ALL: TONE YOUR FLAB SAMMY: SO POUR A DOUBLE GIN HERE’S TO YOUR DOUBLE CHIN ALL: YES START THE PARTY START A TAB CAUSE YOUR SINGLE YOU ARE SINGLE SAMMY: AND YOU’LL KEEP STAYING SINGLE IF YOU’RE SMART ALL: IF YOU ARE SMART SAMMY: YOU ARE SINGLE YOU ARE SINGLE NO CHICK WILL EVER MOONWALK ON YOUR HEART ALL: MOONWALK ON YOUR HEART SAMMY: TRUST ME, THIS IS WHEN  ALL: THE GOOD TIMES REALLY START SAMMY: NO ONE MINDS THE LAUNDRY ON YOUR FLOOR RICKY: NO ONE POUTS WITH EVERY CHICK YOU LOOK AT BUM: NO ONE TRIES TO CLEAN YOUR *** DRAWER SAMMY: NO ONE TRAPS YOU WITH ALL: DOES MY *** LOOK FAT? GEORGE: BUST A MOVE IN WOMEN’S UNDERWEAR WHILE YOU’RE BLASTING CHER OR WHAM ALL: CHER OR WHAM SO FILL YOUR RANGERS CUP THE TOILET SEAT STAYS UP THE FRIDGE GET STOCKED WITH BEER AND SPAM CUZ YOU’RE SINGLE YOU ARE SINGLE GEORGE: NOT A CARE IN THE WORLD CAN BOTHER YOU ALL: CAN BOTHER YOU GEORGE: YOU ARE SINGLE, YOU ARE SINGLE YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO ALL: ALWAYS WANTED TO GEORGE: Well said! NO COMMITMENTS CAUSE YOU’RE ONLY PASSING THROUGH RICKY: Yo, making a date with some needy girl Is a waste of my time and my Jerry curl. Wiki! SAMMY: I don’t need a girl who don’t understand When I got a date with my left hand BUM: Well I love the ladies heaven knows But in the words of Niche, bros before hoes. GEORGE: Now I don’t like a girl who will cry and bawl In fact, I never liked girls at all ROBBIE: Sammy, Georgey, Ricky, and Bum I’m starting to see where you’re coming from CUZ IM  ALL: SINGLE ROBBIE: YEAH IM  ALL: SINGLE ROBBIE: I’LL BEHAVE LIKE A DUDES MEANT TO BEHAVE ALL: MEANT TO BEHAVE ROBBIE: ALWAYS SINGLE, EVER SINGLE SINGLE NOW UNTIL I’M IN MY GRAVE ALL: SINGLE TILL I AM ROTTING IN MY GRAVE SAMMY: THOUGH AT TIMES I MIGHT WANT SOMEONE TO HOLD ME TIGHT AND PROMISE ME THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT BUM: Everything will be alright! SAMMY: Thanks man. ALL: I’LL STAY SINGLE TILL IM ROTTING SLOWLY IN MY LONELY FORGOTTEN GRAVE ROBBIE: You guys have convinced me. ALL: Yeah! ROBBIE: To go tell Julia how I feel. SAMMY: We’ll go with you. ANGIE: Perfect. You look just perfect. What’s wrong, you don’t like the dress? Because it’s too late to change your mind. JULIA: No mom the dress is fine. ANGIE: Oh thank god, you scared me. JULIA: Hey mom? Do you really like Glen? ANGIE: Well, what’s not to like? He’s rich, he’s handsome, he’s charming. And now he’s really got it all because he’s got you. JULIA: Oh mommy! ANGIE: Oh honey. What’s the matter? JULIA: I just don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore. ANGIE: Why? What happened? JULIA: I don’t know if he’s the right guy for me. And I’ve been spending a lot of time with this other guy, Robbie Hart. ANGIE: The wedding singer? You’re thinking of leaving Glen for the wedding singer? JULIA: I don’t know what I’m thinking mom. I’m confused. ANGIE: I know, sweetheart. You’re just getting cold feet. It happens to every bride at some point. It happened to me. Of course I should’ve run screaming down the street instead of marrying your father. But Glen is different. He is a keeper. Marry Glen on Saturday, and you are gonna love him, and everything is gonna be wonderful. You know what will make you feel better?  JULIA: No. ANGIE: Your veil, I’ll be right back. JULIA: Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Mrs. Glen Guglia. Hi I’m Julia Guglia! Julia Guglia. Julia Guglia? Oh my god! Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Mrs. Robbie Hart. Robbie and I are so pleased you could come to our wedding. ROBBIE: There’s her house. SAMMY: Don’t worry about her reaction man. Just go full kamikaze. What’s wrong? ROBBIE: Look how happy she is, I can’t ruin her life. I have absolutely nothing to offer her. SAMMY: Word. GEORGE: C’mon Sammy, we should go. ROBBIE: WAITING HERE UNDERNEATH YOUR WINDOW HOPING FOR SOME KIND OF SIGN EVERY MOVE, EVERY TINY GESTURE ONLY PROVES THAT YOU’RE NOT MINE I COULD WRITE YOU A THOUSAND LOVE SONGS SEARCH THE WORLD FOR THE PERFECT TUNE AND RHYME BUT WHAT GOOD WOULD IT DO WHEN IT SEEMS I’M OUT OF TIME IF I TOLD YOU ALL THE WORDS I’VE YET TO SAY WOULD THEY MATTER OR WOULD YOU SIMPLY TURN AND WALK AWAY IF I HOLD YOU WILL YOU TELL ME I SHOULD GO DO I CHANCE IT OR WOULD IT JUST BE BETTER NOT TO KNOW JULIA: WHO’S THAT GIRL WITH THE PERFECT FUTURE HER REFLECTION SAYS IT ALL TRYING HARD TO PRETEND SHES EAGER SEARCHING FOR SOME WAY TO STALL SO UNSURE OF THE ROAD SHES CHOSEN FACED WITH FEELINGS HER HEART SHOULD NOT ALLOW ONE THINGS CERTAIN IT SEEMS THAT SHE JUST CAN’T TURN BACK NOW IF SHE CAN TELL HER HOW ROBBIE & JULIA: IF I TOLD YOU JULIA: ALL THE WORDS I’VE YET TO SAY ROBBIE: ALL THE WORDS JULIA: WOULD THEY MATTER ROBBIE & JULIA: OR WOULD YOU SIMPLY TURN AND WALK AWAY ROBBIE: IF I HOLD YOU JULIA: IF I HOLD YOU ROBBIE: WILL YOU TELL ME I SHOULD GO ROBBIE & JULIA: DO I CHANCE IT OR WOULD IT JUST BE BETTER NOT TO KNOW WOULD IT JUST BE BETTER NOT TO KNOW NOT TO KNOW GLEN: That’s my fiancйes house right there! We gotta keep it down! Oh, hey wedding singer! I thought you were sick. Hey, we’re having a little pre-bachelor party party, come have a beer with us. ROBBIE: You know what Glen? This whole cheating thing, it’s gotta stop! She is a really special girl, and you are lucky to have her! GLEN: Hey, ***! Don’t go snitching on me to Julia. Look, I know you have a little crush on her, but lets face it. She wants to go to sleep at night with a winner. ROBBIE: Alright, alright! Let’s have it out right here. You and me. If I win, you confess to Julia, if you win. . . GLEN: I won. Now why don’t you go write a song about that? You can call it I got punched in the face for sticking my nose in other people’s business. ROBBIE: Sounds like a country song. GLEN: By the way, you’re fired. ROBBIE: Awooooooo! Linda. LINDA: I’m back Robbie. ROBBIE: Well, kiss my grits! Woo! LINDA: I can see you’re very drunk and that’s okay. It’ll just make this easier on the both of us. I KNOW I KINDA WENT OUT WITH A *** WHEN I DUMPED YOU OUTTA THE BLUE BUT MY HEARTS JUST LIKE A BOOMERANG IT CAME RIGHT BACK TO YOU NOW IM CONFESSIN  I LEARNED MY LESSON GIME ME YOUR BLESSIN TO COME BACK HOME TO STAY HERE’S WHAT I’M TRYING YO SAY LET ME COME HOME TO YA BABY LET ME COME HOME LET ME COME HOME TO YA BABY LET ME COME HOME ROBBIE: I don’t wanna be alone anymore. LINDA: You don’t have to be baby. NOW I CAN TRY TO DATE SOME GLAMOROUS GUY AND THINGS MIGHT TURN OUT COOL BUT AS I LEARNED WHEN I APPLIED TO DEVRY YOU GOTTA HAVE A SAFETY SCHOOL NOW YOU’RE MY BACKUP DON’T MAKE ME PACK UP AND HAVE TO SHACK UP DOWN BY THE INTERSTATE I’LL REITERATE LET ME COME HOME TO YA BABY LET ME COME HOME LET ME COME HOME TO YA BABY LET ME COME HOME AND TOMORROW WHEN YOU WAKE UP YOU’LL NO LONGER HAVE AN EX CAUSE THE BEST PART OF THE BREAKUP IS THE MAKEUP SEX LET ME COME HOME TO YA BABY LET ME COME HOME LET ME COME HOME TO YA BABY LET ME COME HOME LET ME COME HOME TO YA BABY LET ME COME HOME LET ME COME  LET ME COME  LET ME COME HOME Yeah! Robbie! Robbie? JULIA: What am I supposed to say? Maybe this was a bad idea. HOLLY: A girl is not supposed to cry at her own bachelorette party. Just tell him. JULIA: Tell him what? Holly, I don’t know. . . HOLLY: Sometimes you can surprise yourself. You know what I mean? JULIA: Yeah. HOLLY: Go tell Robbie. JULIA: Okay. Hey Robbie! Robbie, are you awake! Robbie! Hey Robbie! Hi. LINDA: Hi. JULIA: Is Robbie here? LINDA: Uh yeah, he’s indisposed right now, shower. JULIA: You’re Linda, right? LINDA: Yeah, Robbie’s fiancйe. JULIA: Oh, so you guys are... LINDA: Yeah. I tried dating around, but it’s like Robbie and I have this connection, it’s like we were never apart. JULIA: Oh good!  LINDA: Can I leave a message or something? JULIA: Yeah, just tell him Julia stopped by. Actually, you know what? Don’t tell him anything. LINDA: You suit yourself Jennifer! ROBBIE: Ooh. It feels like Mr. Belvedere sat on my skull. LINDA: Looky, looky, Mr. Sleepyhead woke up. ROBBIE: Linda, what are you doing here? LINDA: You passed out and I took care of you. ROBBIE: Why’d you take care of me? LINDA: I told you last night how I made a mistake and now I’m back! I can learn to deal with you just being a wedding singer and not a rock star. ROBBIE: Learn to deal with that? I don’t want you to learn to deal with that, that’s not how it works. LINDA: Robbie, hun. Maybe we should talk about this later when you’re feeling better. ROBBIE: Hey, psycho! I’m never gonna wanna talk about this. Now take off my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up! LINDA: Robbie, are you still pissed about the wedding thing? ROBBIE: Get out! SAMMY: C’mon Robbie, we’re gonna be late. Holy crap. Linda. You look great. LINDA: Really? SAMMY: No. GEORGE: 50 YEARS 50 YEARS ROBBIE: Grandma! ROSIE: Oh, Robbie, there you are! ROBBIE: Look, I’m sorry there’s no tune for your poem. I just haven’t been able to write lately. ROSIE: Oh that’s all right, just as long as you’re here! HOLLY: Robbie. Are you back together with Linda? ROBBIE: Where’d you hear that? HOLLY: Julia. She went to your house this morning and she saw Linda there on the bed. ROBBIE: And she thought, but nothing happened! Wait a second, what was Julia doing there? HOLLY: She was gonna tell you she was falling for you. But then Linda was there and she thought, ya know. She’s so upset she and Glen just hopped a plane to Vegas. ROSIE: I’m now going to read a poem that I wrote for my husband on this, our special day. To Arnold. We met at the podiatrist. You had a bunion, I had a sist. Who knew our love would be so sweet? Brought together by 2 infected feet. ROBBIE: AND I WONDER IF I MIGHT HAVE LET YOU SLIP AWAY AND ARE YOU GONE FOR GOOD AND I WONDER WAS THERE SOMETHING LEFT THAT I COULD SAY AND ROBBIE & JULIA: IF I TOLD YOU JULIA: ALL THE WORDS I’VE YET TO SAY ROBBIE: I WONDER JULIA: WOULD THEY MATTER  ROBBIE: IF I TOLD YOU JULIA: OR WOULD YOU SIMPLY TURN AND WALK AWAY ROSIE: And now that it’s been 50 years, I still have you to dry my tears, and shield me from all fears and harms. Here’s to 50 more years in your arms! ROBBIE: I WONDER JULIA: IF I HOLD YOU ROBBIE: IS IT TRUE JULIA: WILL YOU TELL ME I SHOULD GO ROBBIE: I WONDER JULIA: DO I CHANCE IT ROBBIE: IF I TOLD YOU JULIA: OR WOULD IT JUST BE BETTER NOT TO KNOW ROSIE: Robbie? ROBBIE: I just thought of a song, for Julia! ROSIE: That’s wonderful. ROBBIE: But it might be too late. ROSIE: Oh, there’s no such thing as too late. Now go get that girl! GEORGE: Mrs. Hart? ROSIE: Yes? GEORGE: We’ve lost half of the band for the party. This is awkward. ROSIE: George, I think I can come up with something. Jim, gimme a beat! WELL FIRST THINGS FIRST MY NAME IS ROSE I CAN BUST FLY RHYMES JUST LIKE THE PROS I AIN’T GOT TIME  FOR TEA AND SCONES FORGET ROCKING CHAIRS I ROCK MICROPHONES THE ROOF, THE ROOF THE ROOF MIGHT HAVE SNOW BUT THAT DON’T MEAN THERE AIN’T A FIRE BURNING DOWN BELOW GEORGE: WELL IT’S NEVER TOO LATE ROSIE: ALL MY HOMIES SAY GEORGE: NEVER TO LATE Y’ALL ROSIE: ALL MY LADIES SAY GEORGE: NEVER TOO LATE ROSIE: EVERYBODY SAY GEORGE & ROSIE: NEVER TOO LATE TO MOVE THAT THANG ROBBIE: I need to get on the next flight to Vegas. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Let me see. That will be 2000 dollars. ROBBIE: What?! FLIGHT ATTENDANT: There’s only one seat left and it’s in first class. ROBBIE: Sammy, can I borrow your credit card? SAMMY: You’re gonna pay me back, right? ROBBIE: Probably not. SAMMY: All right, here you go. HOLLY: That was so sweet! But what are you gonna do without your credit card? SAMMY: They just keep coming in the mail. We’re rich baby! HOLLY: Oh my god! GEORGE: WELL YOU SAY IT LIKE A FOOL JUST BLINKING AND TRUCKING SCARED TO SEE THE TRUTH CAUSE YOU MIGHT START BUGGING ROSIE: NOW THE R TO THE O TO THE S TO THE E DO YOU FEEL ME BOO? GEORGE: Indubitably. WHERE THE FIERCEST OF DREAMS MIGHT NOT FULFILL US JUST REPLY ROSIE: WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT WILLIS ROBBIE: Excuse me have you seen a...oh my god, you’re Billy Idol! FAKE BILLY IDOL: No I’m not. But I get that a lot. I’m a Billy Idol impersonator. ROBBIE: Cool. Is there a Glen Guglia or a Julia Sullivan here? FAKE BILLY IDOL: Ain’t nobody here mate. It’s a slow day for a white wedding. ROBBIE: Damn. I need to stop a wedding and I don’t have much time. Do you think you can help me? FAKE BILLY IDOL: Why flipping not?  YEAH GEORGE: SO YOU’RE SAYING THE TAPE KEEPS BACK AND STRIDE JUST PASS THE DUTCHIE ON MY LEFT HAND SIDE ROSIE: KEEP IT COOL AND YOU WON’T START ILLIN GEORGE: I know you’re not illin’. ROSIE: I’m chillin like a villain. GEORGE: WELL IT’S NEVER TOO LATE ROSIE: ALL MY HOMIES SAY GEORGE: NEVER TO LATE Y’ALL ROSIE: ALL MY LADIES SAY GEORGE: NEVER TOO LATE ROSIE: EVERYBODY SAY GEORGE & ROSIE: NEVER TOO LATE TO MOVE THAT THANG GEORGE: WELL IT’S NEVER TOO LATE ROSIE: ALL MY HOMIES SAY GEORGE: NEVER TO LATE Y’ALL ROSIE: ALL MY LADIES SAY GEORGE: NEVER TOO LATE ROSIE: EVERYBODY SAY NEVER TOO LATE TO MOVE THAT THANG GEROGE: OOOH OH ROSIE: MOVE THAT THANG GEORGE: NEVER TO LATE ROSIE: MOVE THAT THANG GEORGE & ROSIE: NEVER TO LATE TO MOVE THAT THANG GEORGE: Word to your grandmother. ROBBIE: There must be a thousand places to get married in this town. It’s pointless to keep looking. She’s probably already Mrs. Glen Guglia by now FAKE CINDI LAUPER: No! ROBBIE:  I should have known better to think I could stop them. FAKE MR. T: You want me to open up a can of whoopass on somebody? ROBBIE: No, I’m good Fake Mr. T. FAKE PRESIDENT REAGAN: Pardon me young man. Yes, you with the guitar case. Do you play wedding music by any chance? ROBBIE: No, fake President Reagan I don’t. Why? FAKE PRESIDENT REAGAN: Well, I’m marrying these 2 young people in 10 minutes, and my organist didn’t show up. The fellow that’s getting married is loaded. He’d probably give you 100 dollars for one song. ROBBIE: Loaded? FAKE PRESIDENT REAGAN: Wall Street guy, keeps talking about the dawn of some new entrepreneurial age or something. Do you want the gig or not? ROBBIE: Actually Mr. Fake President, I’ve got a little story for you! Come on! GLEN: Yeah, this is just like getting married in the White House, only in Vegas! JULIA: Yeah. GLEN: Julez, are you doing that girl thing, that pout thing? JULIA: No, Glen. Maybe this was a mistake. I don’t have a dress or a veil or... GLEN: You don’t need any of that stuff, baby. You look hot. Hey look, this is gonna be great. When we’re done, we can do whatever you want. Blackjack, craps, roulette, anything! JULIA: Oh, good. ROBBIE: So when she gets to my house, she finds Linda on my bed! FAKE TINA TURNER: No way! ROBBIE: Way, fake Tina Turner! She freaked and flew out here with Glen to get married. FAKE BILLY IDOL: To Glen, Julia’s just another possession, like a fancy car or a CD Player. FAKE CINDI LAUPER: Ooh, what’s a CD player? ROBBIE: I’ll explain later, fake Cindi Lauper. I’ve got an idea, will you help me? FAKE PRESIDENT REAGAN: Well, this Glen sounds like a first class prick. I’ll do my best! ROBBIE: Alright, I just need 5 minutes to finish this song I’m writing, can you stall them? Alright, come on, get in. 1,2,3 ALL: David Hasselhoff / Chaka Kan (alternating) GLEN: Where is this guy? If he’s not back in 2 minutes we’re going across the street and having Marilyn Monroe marry us. JULIA: Glen, there’s no rush. FAKE PRESIDENT REAGAN: I’m sorry about that I was just assembling the witnesses. Now first I need you to fill out some paperwork. GLEN: We already filled it out. FAKE PRESIDENT REAGAN: Are you sure? GLEN: Yes. FAKE PRESIDENT REAGAN: All of it? GLEN: Yes. FAKE PRESIDENT REAGAN: Would you like some complimentary jellybeans? GLEN: We’d like to get married, some time today. Let’s go! FAKE PRESIDENT REAGAN: Mommy! Just in time! Now before we begin, I would like to say a few words. IMPOSTERS: OOOOH FAKE PRESIDENT REAGAN: I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. GLEN: Enough! Just marry us already Ronnie! FAKE PRESIDENT REAGAN: Well... ROBBIE: I WANNA MAKE YOU SMILE WHENEVER YOU’RE SAD CARRY YOU AROUND WHEN YOUR ARTHRITIS IS BAD OH ALL I WANNA DO IS GROW OLD WITH YOU I’LL GET YOU MEDICINE WHEN YOUR TUMMY ACHES BUILD YOU A FIRE IF THE FURNACE BREAKS OF IT COULD BE SO NICE GROWING OLD WITH YOU I’LL MISS YOU, KISS YOU GIVE YOU MY COAT WHEN YOU ARE COLD NEED YOU, FEED YOU EVEN LET YOU HOLD THE REMOTE CONTROL SO LET ME... GLEN: If I didn’t know any better wedding singer, I would think you were trying to put the moves on Glen Guglia’s girl. FAKE IMELDA MARCOS: Just walk away Glen. Robbie and Julia are in love. GLEN: Jules, is what fake Imelda Marcos saying true? JULIA: Look Glen, I’m really, really sorry. GLEN: You think you can make a fool outta me? No, you’re the fool baby. I cheated on you like 100 times. JULIA: I am suddenly way less sorry. FAKE PRESIDENT REAGAN: Miss Turner, knock down this putz. FAKE TINA TURNER: No problem baby! It’s gonna be nice and easy! FAKE PRESIDENT REAGAN: Go ahead, young man. ROBBIE: SO LET ME DO THE DISHES  IN OUR KITCHEN SINK PUT YOU TO BED WHEN YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK OH I COULD BE THE MAN WHO GROWS OLD WITH YOU ROBBIE & JULIA: I’LL MISS YOU, KISS YOU TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF AND RUB YOUR FEET NEED YOU, FEED YOU AND WHEN WE PLAY CHECKERS I’LL LET YOU CHEAT SO LET ME DO THE DISHES  IN OUR KITCHEN SINK PUT YOU TO BED WHEN YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK OF I COULD BE THE ONE WHO GROWS OLD WITH YOU I WANNA GROW OLD WITH YOU ROBBIE: Julia, will you marry me? JULIA: On one condition.  WILL YOU SING AT MY WEDDING? ROBBIE: YES SAMMY: HE WROTE A SONG 6 YEARS AGO WHILE PLAYING IN A WEDDING BAND GEORGE: THE WORD GOT OUT AND SUDDENLY HIS BAND WAS SUPER IN DEMAND FAKE TINA TURNER: PEOPLE CALL HIM THE WEDDING SINGER HE SANG AT WEDDINGS AND SO THE NAME WAS OUT HOLLY: BUT HE GOT DUMPED BY HIS FIANCEE AND THEN HE JUST SNAPPED FAKE TINA TURNER: HE JUST SNAPPED HOLLY & FAKE TINA TURNER: HE JUST SNAPPED HE JUST SNAPPED HE JUST SNAPPED FAKE CINDI LAUPER: HE MET A GIRL NAMES JULIA WHO SAVED HIM FROM HIS TALE OF WOE FAKE IMELDA MARCOS: EMENEH COLA CAHLA JIMELDA ACEPA UN BANO NINO HOLLY, FAKE TINA TURNER, FAKE CINDI LAUPER: YO, YO, YO  OOOOH FAKE BILLY IDOL: FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO SPEAK PHILIPINO YOU KNOW THAT THINGS ENDED UP THE WAY THEY SHOULD FAKE MR. T: THAT’S THE WAY THAT THE STORY ENDS ROSIE: Care to dance? FAKE MR. T: Yes I would! Come one granny, show me what you’re made of. FAKE PRESIDENT REAGAN: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Robbie Hart! ROBBIE & JULIA: IF I TOLD YOU ALL: IF I TOLD YOU ROBBIE & JULIA: WHAT IM FEELING NOW ALL: INSIDE ROBBIE & JULIA: YOU’D BE CERTAIN ALL: THERES NOT A SINGLE THING THAT WE SHOULD HIDE ROBBIE & JULIA: IF I HOLD YOU ALL: IF I HOLD YOU ROBBIE & JULIA: THERE’S ONE PROBLEM YOU SHOULD KNOW IF I HOLD YOU I MIGHT NOT EVER LET YOU GO ALL: NEVER LET YOU GO NEVER LET YOU GO OOH SO WHEN IT’S YOUR WEDDING DAY AND MY MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY I CAN GUARANTEE THAT LOVE WILL ALWAYS FIND YOU YEAH WHEN IT’S YOUR WEDDING DAY ALL THE PROBLEME MELT AWAY IF YOU COUNT ON ME CAUSE LOVE IS WHAT ROBBIE: YES LOVE IS WHAT I do. JULIA: I do. ALL: I DO LOVE IS WHAT I DO