News of Today

Have you read the story about Nicole Kidman having sex with a pair of German shepherds in a Bavarian beer garden. Neither have I. But that's probably because I haven't written it yet, but when I do I'll let you know. Of course, nobody reads newspaper these days anyway just facebook updates. And if Nicole really was sinking sausage with a pair of German shepherds in a Bavarian beer garden I wouldn't be here, I'd be watching it on porntube with everybody else. But it was just a dream I was having and you know what dreams are like, always are like, always promising so much and delivering so little, just like politicians. The last thing I remember was listening to Nicole singing Something Stupid in her birthday suit while these two German shepherds sat on the sofa trying to look interested. That's when I was woken by tweet from Miss Delta Goodrem informing me and a million other Goodremites that singing in the shower is a lot better when you have a live audience. Thank you Delta. I always knew you had a way with words. And I just love your tweets. I really do. In fact I Iove your tweets so much I want to bury my face in them, one at a time. Of course, watching the news is a great way to keep up with what's happening in the world of television. Switch on the tv and discover all the things you didn't actually know were news. Harvey Norman is going to open a brand new supastore at Xmas, well done Harvey, well done Norman. Apple have built a church in California where you can talk to Steve Jobs and ask him question on the Cloud, thank you Steve. Thank you Cloud. Canberra is the setting for a brand new horror movie called Parliamentary Question Time which will be running for the next three years. Thank you Tony. Thank you Julia. The most important news of all, one in every three Australians is from New Zealand. Thank you Russell. In fact, I don't know why it's even called news when the only thing that looks like news in the newsreader's new hairstyle and her shiny pink lip gloss. And in the news this evening we'll be travelling to the mountains of Afghanistan to find out how it's possible to have your hair done in a war zone while checking in with the Taliban for our introduction to bomb making followed y a short trip to Nauru to check on Tony Abbot's new swimming school for asylum seekers and other queue jumpers. And the biggest news of the day Masterchef contestants are discovered cooking on Mars. Thanks you NASA. Thank you Ten. You see most of the news we watch on tv is simply a plug for what's next on next, followed by a traffic report from some guy in helicopter. This is Vic Caruso from the traffic helicopter saying, hey guys I bet you wish you were up here with me instead of stuck in all that traffic. That's why the news should really be called the six o'clock Traffic Report so you don't feel like you're missing something when you watch it, except a helicopter perhaps.