Positive And Negative Self Talk - Voices in your head

You might be a little surprised to find out what I think about self-talk, positive and negative. We'll get into that today. So do you hear the voices that makes people a little nervous sometimes when they're shrink asks them? About the voices. You know the voices in your head? You didn't think it would be that kind of a video right? We all have them, alright? Even if you're there thinking. You have voices? What voices? I don't have voices. That's the one I mean. It's the voice in your head that's commenting about everything that's going on. Now, notice that these voices in your head sometimes work for you. Sometimes work against you. So another way to think about this is positive self-talk versus negative self-talk. And there's both kinds right? So picture it this way. Do you remember the old cartoons with the little shoulder devil and the little shoulder angel and they're both there on your shoulder and they're trying to get your attention and and saying different things to you. So going with that kind of an analogy, just think of it as the enemy and the ally. The friend and the foe. Okay, the voices. Now, there are at least three, okay? At least these three. There's the enemy, there's the ally and there's you the one in between. How can we tell the difference. And what is the effect of these voices that we hear in our head? I was reading the book by Wendy Watson Nelson called "Change your Questions, Change your life." It's a brilliant piece that talks about a discernment tool. A way that we can tell which voice were hearing and that will make a difference in what we pay attention to. Okay, so let's go to the discernment tool. Wendy suggested that we can tell which voice it is by asking whose agenda does this support? Okay, think about that for a minute. Whose agenda does this support? Now let's check out what the agendas are. What's your enemy's agenda? The enemy wants you to be miserable. Fair enough? Yeah that's what we call it the enemy. An agenda of misery. Okay, so what about the friend? What about the ally? What about the angel over here on this side? What's your friend's agenda? It's the opposite right? It's not misery like your enemy wants you to experience. Its joy. In my book I get into the the main thing that we're all after. And I call it "The feeling." Happiness, joy success, we have different words we pick to describe it but it all comes down to the same thing. It's joy right? Which is your agenda. So notice this. We got three voices. We got the enemy, we got you, we got your friend. Three voices, two agendas. Misery or joy because your agenda is exactly the same as the angels agenda. Can you follow that for a minute? Now, if that's true and this is all philosophical at this point. What if we could clearly discern whose voice were hearing in this self-talk? We call it self-talk but I'm really calling that into question. I don't know that it's all us. I heard a story that was attributed to Eckhart Tolle. You might be familiar with him. An author and philosopher.Going through a period of suicidal depression. As he was planning to take his own life, he had a thought where there was a voice in his head that said, "I hate myself" Okay, not an uncommon thought for people who are suicidal. But then he had another thought or voice that saved his life and the second one was, "wait a minute who is this I that hates me so much? And who is this me that I hate?" Blew his mind. He realized he can't be both of those voices. And it's true. You can't be the one who's hating you. It's not even metaphysically possible. And it occurred to him maybe that voice was not him. Maybe that voice was his enemy and you can tell when you ask the discernment question that Wendy Nelson suggested. Whose agenda does this support? "I hate myself" Whose agenda does that support? Your friend or your enemy? Or yours? Enemy. Here's something I learned a few years ago that has really helped me to process this. Know your enemy, okay? And it's not you. I have to remind couples about this when they're sitting on my couch right over here. The enemy is not on the couch, okay? We're on the same team here. So notice what is the strategy of the enemy. Do you believe that your enemy would deceive you? Yeah, probably right? Would your enemy lie to you? Yeah, probably. Do you think your enemy has been your enemy long enough to know that you won't listen to your enemy? Think about my question. Do you think your enemy has been around long enough to know, that you won't listen to your enemy? Yeah and he's willing to deceive you? Interesting. So listen to the phrase again. "I hate myself" Sounds like self taught because it's first-person and whose voice does it sound like? Well sounds like your own voice. Whose agenda does it support? The enemy. It's not you. It's your enemy and that's the deception. The enemy knows you're not going to listen to the enemy. So to deceive you, what if the enemy is pirating your own voice to deceive you? Because of all the voices in your head, which one do you believe the most? Yeah, this is actually a form of destructive pride. Be aware of it okay? And we all do it. It's not that you're evil or anything. It's just that this is how we operate. Of all the voices, if I express my opinion to you, about you and you hear it in my voice and I say, "you know what, you are so awesome" And then your own voice inside of your head says something else, which one do you believe? Do you see how prideful that is to you? Take my opinion. I'm a psychologist. I am a licensed professional. And you take my opinion and you throw it out the window because your own voice says something else. What I'm trying to call in the question here is what if it's not your voice? What if it's a deception from your enemy? Now I'm not here to get all spiritual on you and I don't know what you believe about God or the devil or anything else. But I believe that there may be forces out there who are enticing and deceiving you. Because it happens to me all the time. And when I realized this was going on, I was a little indignant. I did not give my enemy permission to steal my voice just so I would believe it. You know what I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean. Do you remember that movie? And the character played by Johnny Depp. Captain Jack Sparrow was having a little sword fight. Little it was an epic with Will Turner okay? And they're dancing around and they're well-orchestrated, you know classic sword fight scene. And then Captain Jack pulls out a pistol and he points it at Will and Will looks at him incredulously and says, "you cheated" and Captain Jack just in his wobbly way says, "pirate." It's like what did you expect? That he's going to play fair? No. He's going to cheat. He's a pirate. If your enemy is the pirate, don't buy into the deception. So self-talk? Maybe. Maybe some of the voices in your head are you. But I think the voice that is you is more likely to be the one that's saying, "hey wait a minute, who is this I that hates me so much? And who is this me that I hate? That one is you. The one that's asking the question. Let's be clear about the source and know your enemy. If you learned something today that made a difference for you, would you please consider sharing this episode?