He's with Me, Ep 1.6, 'dude'

(street sounds) Hey there Oh hey Menu bills bills Ya know I should go paperless When you see an actual paper with an amount that you owe It makes it kind of worse I guess I'm Ted by the way Fourth floor Oh um Glen Good to meet you Glen Oh that's right you have a roommate right? Uh no I live alone Oh ok I just see you and another guy so I wasn't sure If you uh Oh tallish, dark, great head of hair? Ah that's just a friend of mine Oh Well nice meeting you man Good meeting you Glen (cell phone rings) Hey dad! I'm just on my way to meet Martin Yeah that gay guy I was telling you about Nope, a hundred percent gay The stuff that people do ya know We eat out go to the 'theatah' Go shopping Yeah we do straight stuff too We went to a Yankees game No he's a fan Ha ha ha no he didn't bring a fan No I'm not turning gay dad he's just a good friend What? When? Uhhhh we're all having dinner tomorrow night Yeah ok I'd love to see you! No ok I will call you tomorrow Ok bye dad Crap (shopper sounds) (Ted clears throat) Uh ooh hey, we're having one more guest for dinner tonight We are? Who? My dad Your dad's in town? Why didn't you say so? Oh no reason Totally psyched he's coming Then why do you sound like you're about to take the SATs? (laughs) You're funny Mm hm I just don't want you to feel uncomfortable or anything Oh Don't worry about it Teddy dads love me I'm great with dads No not daddies That's something different (chopping) Boy I would hate to be that onion right now Look I just don't know if my dad's spent the evening With a gay guy before I'm thinking it's a safe bet he hasn't Whoa Nelly! What did you call me? What's with the drink-fest? Ted's making me all nervous because his dad's coming to dinner I feel like a big rainbow with glitter all over it Ooh that would make a hot dress Hey yo Ted If it gets awkward Just make out with Val, I'll totally understand (door buzzes) It's him Ok why don't we all just calm down and relax And let's try to enjoy ourselves And maybe let's try and stay a little sober Define 'a little' Ey don't let him see that painting over your bed Martin It's completely impressionistic Note to Martin: It's a huge ***! What what what painting? It looks like a tree spewing colors It looks like a *** spewing *** Can we close the door just in case? (door buzzes) Val you open the door, he sees a woman first I think it will bode well for us I love that painting I can get it he knows me No no no Val will open the door That's a ridiculous idea It is my apartment, I will answer the door And I agree with Val Let's just all calm down and stop being ridiculous You must be Bruce Yes Adams I'm Martin Adams Oh Ted didn't mention that you had the same Or we had the same name I guess we're more alike than we think Hey good to see you Bruce Eddie! Look at you wow! Just like when you were a kid Almost exactly Huh? Ah he's making a joke good to see you dad Martin's a very funny guy Bruce meet my wife Valerie Hi it's a pleasure to meet you Bruce We all love your Ted he is a real sweetheart A real sweetheart huh? Uh Bruce may I take your coat? Oh and may I call you Bruce? Uh yeah and do I call you Martin or uh Marty? Oh Martin is fine I'm easy! Huh alright then Dad do you want some wine? I don't know I have an early meeting in the morning What is it you do? I'm in sales. Computer equipment Oh! That sounds uh necessary (laughs) Uh yeah I think I will have that wine You have quite an art collection Martin Do you like art Bruce? Not much Oh So how did you and Ted become friends? Oh we met in a men's room At Eddie's wedding! I was helping to wipe stuff off him Champagne off his tuxedo I was wiping champagne off his tuxedo Someone spilled champagne on his tuxedo that's how we met Oh I bet the rental company had a fit about that Oh actually I own my own tuxedo I go to a lot of formal parties Fancy Oh well I don't think of it as fancy I guess it could be fancy (door buzzes) Who's that? I'm not sure Oh that could be Benny He has some swatches for me In order to save money for our new apartment I'm making Eddie some clothes What's a swatch? It's a piece of fabric I guess Benny's aunt owns a fabric company He peddles on the side or something On the side of what? Unemployment? (singing) Hello people! OH those stairs are a ***! But this *** is going to look Fabulous this summer! Benny! Oh, I just bought one of those thong bathing suits It's gonna look Amazeballs! Excuse me Where's the bathroom? Right through that door Not that door dad! So I gathered Theodore can I have a word with you please? Ted I have got some serious concerns about your new friends Now I know that when you move into a new city I know there are a lot of new people to meet And become friends with And you're on the subway with them And you're sharing the same sidewalks But what is going on here? Dinner With friends Eddie is friends with Martin? And that Benny? Well Eddie and Martin don't always get along Yeah why do you think that is? Because they're different guys ok? Martin and I are more alike than they are Really? And how are you guys alike? Dad ok gay men and straight men can be friends You know this right? Take a look at that Yeah it's uh A little provocative It's pornographic! It's abstract dad! What is abstract about a giant… I can't even say it Maybe that's your problem not mine Excuse me? Explain yourself I don't have to explain myself to anybody You didn't have friends like this back home Yeah and I couldn't talk this closely with my friends back home These were guys that thought we were close If we called each other 'dude'! We're modern men We should be able to talk about more than *** and sports And I can do that with Martin You know if I'm nervous about living in a big city, I can talk about that Or if I miss Julie Or if I think I'm not cutting the mustard at work I can talk about that with Martin and he listens What about Eddie? Eddie is great ok? But he doesn't listen! Martin does! I can just be honest with a guy I don't have to worry about coming off like a wuss Ok? And I like that Makes me feel like a man Like more of a man and anybody who has a problem with that Has to take it up with me I'm pushing forty dad I'm trying to come into my own as a man Not as a Midwestern man or a New York City man Or a gay man or a STRAIGHT man As Ted Theodore Bruce Adams Capisce? Yeah So uh Are you hungry? Yeah Now let's go get some grub Oh yes! Yeah This is your color sweetheart right here Very nice I'm so glad cause I was really worried Oh let's try the purple one! Same material, very silky This would go… This would be so hot with like a black suit And a purple lapel Purple lapel! Everything alright men? Yeah I think so Purple is definitely not your color Eddie Just tryin' to get it right Bruce That's hot That's like um *** farmer He can rock that You could rock *** farmer look at this Oh hey Glen Can I ask you a question? Yeah Um do you have any gay friends? What? Me? What? No Huh? Do you have any close guy friends? Uh Yeah I mean like you know if you're having problems With your girlfriend or your wife like, Who do you talk to? What do you mean? Like therapy? No like friends I don't know dude Huh Alright thanks Glen Yup for what? Ah you just proved a point Dude That's a nice shirt by the way Yeah (cell phone rings) Hey Martin! Nah, I'm just on my way out No I'll see you soon (street sounds)