The One Where Eddie Won't Go

HEY, EDDIE. ( screams ) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? NOTHING, ROOMIE-- JUST WATCHING YOU SLEEP. WHY? IT MAKES ME FEEL, UM... PEACEFUL. ( chuckles ): PLEASE. I CAN'T SLEEP NOW. YOU WANT ME TO SING? NO. LOOK, THAT'S IT. IT'S OVER. I WANT YOU OUT. I WANT YOU OUT OF THE APARTMENT NOW. WHOA. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN? HANNIBAL LECTER? BETTER ROOMMATE THAN YOU. NO, NO, SEE, NOW I DON'T THINK YOU'RE BEING FAIR. ONE NIGHT YOU SEE ME AND YOU GET SCARED. WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OTHER NIGHTS WHEN YOU DON'T SEE ME, HUH? WHAT ABOUT LAST NIGHT WHEN YOU GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS NICE ENOUGH TO HIDE BEHIND THE DOOR? WHAT'S THAT ABOUT, HUH? I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT. YEAH. HUH. GET OUT NOW! OKAY. YOU REALLY WANT ME OUT. YES, PLEASE. OKAY, THEN I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY YOU WANT ME OUT. I WANT YOU OUT. I WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOUR LIPS. WHERE DID YOU HEAR IT FROM BEFORE?! ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT. PALLY, I UNDERSTAND. CONSIDER ME GONE. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL BE OUT BY THE TIME YOU GET HOME FROM WORK TOMORROW. I HEARD THAT. [Captioning sponsored by WARNER BROS. TELEVISION, NBC and OCEAN SPRAY Crave the Wave] ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪ ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪ ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪ ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪ ♪ WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪ ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪ ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪ ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO POUR ♪ ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪ ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪ ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪ THANKS. HEY. HEY. WELL, LOOK AT YOU. FINALLY GOT THAT TIME MACHINE WORKING, HUH? YOU LIKE IT? THIS GUY WAS SELLING THEM ON EIGHTH AVENUE AND I LOOKED AT THEM AND I THOUGHT "YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T HAVE?" A MIRROR? FINE. MAKE FUN. I THINK IT'S JAUNTY. WOW, FOR A GUY WHO'S RECENTLY LOST HIS JOB YOU'RE IN AN AWFULLY GOOD MOOD. HEY, I'LL BE ALL RIGHT. I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE I'M STARTING FROM SQUARE ONE. I WAS DR. DRAKE RAMORAY ON DAYS OF OUR LIVES. I MEAN, THAT'S GOT TO HAVE SOME KIND OF CACHE. "CACHE"? "JAUNTY"? CHANDLER GAVE ME WORD-OF-THE-DAY TOILET PAPER. OH. I'M GOING TO GET SOME COFFEE. HEY. Monica: HEY. OOH! SO, SO, SO, DID YOU READ THE BOOK? OH, MY GOD. IT WAS INCREDIBLE. DIDN'T IT LIKE SPEAK TO YOU? WHOA, WHOA. WHAT BOOK IS THIS? RACHEL, YOU HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK. IT'S CALLED BE YOUR OWN WIND-KEEPER. IT'S ABOUT HOW WOMEN NEED TO BECOME MORE EMPOWERED. YEAH, AND OH! AND BUT THERE'S WIND... AND THE WIND CAN MAKE US GODDESSES BUT DO YOU KNOW WHO TAKES OUR WIND? MEN. THEY JUST TAKE IT. THE... MEN JUST TAKE OUR WIND. YUH-HUH. ALL THE TIME CAUSE THEY ARE THE LIGHTNING BEARERS. WOW. WELL, THAT SOUNDS KIND OF COOL. IT'S KIND OF LIKE THE HOBBIT. IT IS NOTHING LIKE THE HOBBIT. GOD, IT'S LIKE READING ABOUT EVERY RELATIONSHIP I'VE EVER HAD... EXCEPT FOR RICHARD. NO. RICHARD WOULD NEVER STEAL YOUR WIND. NO. HE'S YUMMY. YES. BUT ALL THE OTHER ONES... OH, YES. AND THE PART ABOUT HOW THEY'RE ALWAYS DRINKING FROM OUR POOL OF INNER POWER BUT GOD FORBID WE SHOULD TAKE A SIP. ANYBODY WANT A CRULLER? OKAY. THIS IS A TYPICAL LIGHTNING-BEARER THING. RIGHT THERE. IT'S LIKE, UM... "HELLO. WHO WANTS ONE OF MY ***-SHAPED MAN CAKES?" Woman: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT ALREADY. THINGS HAPPEN. SO YOU'RE NOT MAD AT ME FOR GETTING FIRED AND EVERYTHING? JOEY, LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME! DO I HAVE LIPSTICK ON MY TEETH? NO. CAN WE GET BACK TO ME? LOOK, HONEY, PEOPLE GET FIRED LEFT AND RIGHT IN THIS BUSINESS. I ALREADY GOT YOU AN AUDITION FOR ANOTHER WORLD. ALL RIGHT. "CAB DRIVER NUMBER TWO"? YOU'RE WELCOME. BUT I WAS DR. DRAKE RAMORAY. HOW CAN I GO FROM BEING A NEUROSURGEON TO DRIVING A CAB? THINGS CHANGE. ROLL WITH THEM. BUT THIS IS A TWO-LINE PART. THAT'S LIKE TAKING A STEP BACKWARDS. I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS. JOEY! I'M GOING TO TELL YOU THE SAME THING I TOLD AL MINZER AND HIS PYRAMID OF DOGS. TAKE ANY JOB YOU CAN GET AND DON'T MAKE ON THE FLOOR. I'M SORRY. I'LL SEE YOU. OH... GOD! OH, GOD! I MEAN, IT'S JUST SO... ISN'T IT? I MEAN, THIS IS LIKE READING ABOUT MY OWN LIFE. I MEAN, THIS BOOK COULD HAVE BEEN CALLED BE YOUR OWN WIND-KEEPER, RACHEL. YEAH, I DON'T THINK IT WOULD HAVE SOLD A MILLION COPIES BUT IT WOULD HAVE MADE A NICE GIFT FOR YOU. HEY, YOU GUYS. UH, SWEETIE, WE'VE GOT TO GO. NO! NO? NO. WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING ACCORDING TO YOUR TIMETABLE? ACTUALLY, IT'S THE MOVIE THEATER THAT HAS THE TIMETABLE. IT'S SO YOU DON'T MISS THE BEGINNING. NO. SEE, THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE MOVIE THEATER. THIS IS ABOUT YOU STEALING MY WIND. YOU GO, GIRL! I CAN'T PULL THAT OFF, CAN I? EXCUSE ME, YOUR... YOUR-- YOUR WIND? YES. MY WIND. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO GROW IF YOU WON'T LET ME BLOW? YOU KNOW I-I DON'T HAVE A... HAVE A, A PROBLEM... WITH THAT. OKAY. I JUST... I JUST REALLY NEED TO BE WITH MYSELF RIGHT NOW. I'M SORRY. MM-MM-MM. UH, YOU'RE RIGHT. I DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE. SORRY. DAMN IT! I DON'T KNOW. IT'S GOT ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT WIND AND TREES. THERE'S SOME KIND OF SACRED POOL. I DON'T REALLY GET IT BUT SHE'S PRETTY UPSET ABOUT IT. SEE, THIS IS WHY I DON'T DATE WOMEN WHO READ. UH-OH. WHAT? WHAT'S THAT? IT'S MY VISA BILL. ENVELOPE ONE OF TWO. THAT CAN'T BE GOOD. OPEN IT. OPEN IT. OH, MY GOD! WHOA! LOOK AT THIS. HOW DID I SPEND SO MUCH MONEY? THAT'S JUST THE MINIMUM AMOUNT DUE. THAT'S YOUR TOTAL DUE. AAH! WHAT? WHOA, WHOA. $3,500 AT "PORCELAIN SAFARI"? MY ANIMALS. THE GUY SAID THEY SUITED ME. HE SPOKE WITH AN ACCENT. I WAS CONFUSED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. YOU CAN START BY DRIVING A CAB ON ANOTHER WORLD. WHAT? THAT AUDITION? THAT'S A TWO-LINE PART. JOEY, YOU OWE $1,100 AT "I LOVE LUCITE." SO WHAT? SO, SUCK IT UP, MAN. IT'S A JOB. HEY, I DON'T NEED YOU GETTING ALL JUDGMENTAL AND CONDESCENDING AND PEDANTIC. TOILET PAPER? YEAH. LOOK, I'M NOT BEING ANY OF THOSE THINGS. OKAY? I'M JUST BEING REALISTIC. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND. I AM. THEN TELL ME THINGS LIKE, "JOEY, YOU'LL BE FINE" AND "SOMETHING BIG'S GOING TO COME ALONG. I KNOW IT." BUT I DON'T KNOW IT. WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT YOU OWE $2,300 AT "ISN'T IT CHROME-ANTIC?" HEY, ROSS, I'M AWARE OF WHAT I OWE. WELL, THEN, GET SOME SENSE. IT TOOK YOU, WHAT, TEN YEARS TO GET THAT JOB? HOW LONG TILL YOU GET ANOTHER? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS. I'M JUST SAYING... WELL, DON'T... JUST SAY. YOU KNOW, MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO. OKAY. OKAY. I'LL SEE YOU LATER. YOU JUST THINK ABOUT IT, OKAY? I DON'T NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT. I WAS DR. DRAKE RAMORAY! THAT WAS HUGE. BIG THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN. YOU'LL SEE. ROSS? YOU STILL THERE? ( sighs ) HEY, PALLY! OH, GOD! EDDIE, WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? AH, JUST SOME BASIC DEHYDRATING OF A FEW FRUITS AND VEGETABLES. MAN ALIVE! THIS THING'S FANTASTIC! LOOK, EDDIE, AREN'T YOU FORGETTING ANYTHING? YEAH. I GOT US A NEW GOLDFISH. HE'S A LOT FEISTIER THAN THE LAST ONE. MAYBE 'CAUSE THE LAST ONE WAS MADE BY PEPPERIDGE FARM. LOOK, EDDIE, ISN'T THERE SOMETHING ELSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW? WELL, NOT UNLESS IT'S GOT SOMETHING TO DO WITH DEHYDRATING, MY MAN 'CAUSE RIGHT NOW, I'M A DEHYDRATING MANIAC! YES, YES... LOOK, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME OUT HERE. I THOUGHT WE HAD A DEAL. UH-UH. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? YOUR LAST ROOMMATE'S KIDNEY? NO, MAN. THAT'S A... THAT'S A TOMATO. THIS ONE DEFINITELY GOES IN THE DISPLAY. ( squeaking laugh ) ( sobbing ) HEY, GUNTHER, LET ME GET A, UH, LEMONADE TO GO. LEMONADE? YOU OKAY, MAN? CAREER STUFF-- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD BUT THEY'VE KILLED OFF MY CHARACTER ON THE SHOW. AW, THAT'S TOO BAD. HOW'D THEY DO IT? I FELL DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. AW, THAT SUCKS. I WAS BURIED IN AN AVALANCHE. WHAT? I USED TO BE "BRYCE" ON ALL MY CHILDREN. ( screams ) ( screams ) WHY MUST EVERYBODY WATCH ME SLEEP? THERE'LL BE NO MORE WATCHING ME SLEEP. NO MORE... WATCHING! I WA... NO! HEY, MAN, I GOT SOME GREAT STUFF TO DEHYDRATE. I GOT SOME GRAPES GOT SOME APRICOTS. I THOUGHT IT'D BE REALLY COOL TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS WITH THESE WATER BALLOONS. GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT! WHAT? YOU-- MOVE OUT. TAKE YOUR FRUIT-- YOUR STUPID SMALL FRUIT-- AND GET OUT! YOU WANT... YOU WANT ME TO MOVE OUT? UH-HUH. I, UH... I GOT TO TELL YOU, MAN. I MEAN, THAT'S KIND OF OUT OF THE BLUE, DON'T YOU THINK? THIS IS NOT OUT OF THE BLUE. THIS IS SMACK-DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BLUE! WHOA! RELAX. TAKE IT EASY, BUDDY. DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE. YOU WANT ME TO GO? ALL RIGHT. SOMEONE'LL BE BY FOR MY STUFF. IF YOU THINK FOR ONE SECOND I'M LEAVING YOU ALONE WITH MY FISH YOU'RE INSANE, JACK! YOU WANT SOME HELP? NO, NO, NO. NO HELP REQUIRED, CHICO. ALL THE WAY TO AIRPORT, HUH? YOU KNOW, THAT'S OVER 30 MILES. THAT'S GOING TO COST YOU ABOUT SO BUCKS. EXCUSE ME. THAT'S 50 BUCKS. WHAT? 5-0... DOLLARS. OH. YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? IT'S SMUDGY 'CAUSE THEY'RE FAX PAGES. NOW WHEN I WAS ON DAYS OF OUR LIVES AS DR. DRAKE RAMORAY... THEY'D SEND OVER THE WHOLE SCRIPT ON REAL PAPER AND EVERYTHING. THAT'S GREAT. SO YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANTED TO EXPAND THIS SCENE LIKE HAVE THE CAB CRASH OR SOMETHING I COULD ATTEND TO THE VICTIMS 'CAUSE I HAVE A BACKGROUND IN MEDICAL ACTING. OKAY, LISTEN, THANKS FOR COMING IN. NO, NO. DON'T THANK ME FOR COMING IN. UH, LEAST LET ME FINISH. UH... WE COULD TAKE THE EXPRESSWAY BUT, UH, THIS TIME OF DAY YOU'RE BETTER OFF TAKING THE BUDGE. YOU WERE GOING FOR "BRIDGE" THERE, WEREN'T YOU? YEAH. I'LL HAVE A GOOD DAY. OKAY, QUESTION NUMBER 28: "HAVE YOU EVER ALLOWED A LIGHTNING BEARER TO TAKE YOUR WIND?" I WOULD HAVE TO SAY NO. AND I WOULD HAVE TO SAY PA-HA! WHAT? DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THE PUPPET GUY? YEAH. YOU LIKE TOTALLY LET HIM WASH HIS FEET IN THE POOL OF YOUR INNER POWER. AND HIS PUPPET TOO. YEAH, WELL, AT LEAST I DIDN'T LET SOME GUY INTO THE FOREST OF MY RIGHTEOUS TRUTH ON THE FIRST DATE. WHO?! PAUL! OH! OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. MOVING ON, MOVING ON. NEXT QUESTION: OKAY, NUMBER 29: "HAVE YOU EVER BETRAYED ANOTHER GODDESS... FOR A LIGHTNING BEARER?" OKAY, NUMBER 30. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. LET'S GO BACK TO 29. NOT, UH... ( coughs ) NOT TO... MY RECOLLECTION. ( gasps ) ALL RIGHT, DANNY ARSHACK, NINTH GRADE. YOU KNOW THE BOTTLE WAS TOTALLY POINTING AT ME. ONLY 'CAUSE YOU TOOK UP HALF THE CIRCLE. ( gasps ) LISTEN TO YOU TWO. IT'S SO SAD. OH. WELL, LOOKS LIKE I'M GOING TO BE GOING TO THE GODDESS MEETINGS ALONE. YEAH, WELL NOT WHEN THEY FIND OUT YOU SLEPT WITH JASON HURLEY AN HOUR AFTER HE BROKE UP WITH MONICA. ONE HOUR?! YOU ARE SUCH A LEAF BLOWER! AAH! Rachel: OH! OOH! OH, HEY, BE CAREFUL WITH THAT 3-D "LAST SUPPER." JUDAS IS A LITTLE LOOSE. OH, MY GOD. WHAT'S GOING ON? THEY'RE TAKING ALL MY STUFF BACK. I GUESS YOU WERE RIGHT. NO, LOOK, I WASN'T RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT I CAME HERE TO TELL YOU. I... I WAS TOTALLY HUNG UP ON MY OWN STUFF THE OTHER DAY. LISTEN. I'M SOMEONE WHO NEEDS THE WHOLE SECURITY THING, YOU KNOW? TO KNOW EXACTLY WHERE MY NEXT PAYCHECK IS COMING FROM BUT YOU DON'T NEED THAT. AND THAT'S AMAZING TO ME. I COULD NEVER DO WHAT YOU DO, JOEY. THANKS, ROSS. YOU SHOULD HOLD OUT FOR SOMETHING BIGGER. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I RESPECT YOU FOR NOT GOING TO THAT STUPID CAB DRIVER AUDITION. I WENT. GREAT! HOW DID IT GO? I DIDN'T GET IT. WHAT? YOU'RE LIVING THE DREAM. HUH? ALL RIGHT THEN. OH, NOT MY PARROT. WHAT? I CAN'T WATCH THIS. HEY, HOLD ON, HOLD ON. HOW MUCH FOR THE, UH... HOW MUCH TO SAVE THE BIRD? 1,200. DOLLARS? YOU SPENT $1,200 ON A PLASTIC BIRD? UH, UH, IT WAS AN IMPULSE BUY-- NEAR THE REGISTER. GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD WITH THE BIRD. IT'S OKAY. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING FOR AROUND 200? UH... THE DOG. HUH? YEAH. I'LL TAKE IT. MY GIFT TO YOU, MAN. THANKS, ROSS. YEAH. I REALLY LIKE THAT BIRD THOUGH. BUT THE DOG-- OH... YEAH, RIGHT. HERE ARE YOUR CAKES. WE DIDN'T ORDER CAKE. NO, I KNOW. THEY'RE FROM ME. LOOK, YOU GUYS, THIS IS NOT GOOD. WE HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE WITH GUYS STEALING OUR WIND WITHOUT TAKING IT FROM EACH OTHER. YOU'RE RIGHT. I LOVE YOU, GODDESSES. WE LOVE YOU. I DON'T EVER WANT TO SUCK YOUR WIND AGAIN. OH... THANK YOU. SO ARE WE GOOD? WE'RE GOOD. WE'RE GOOD? LET ME TAKE THESE CAKES BACK 'CAUSE THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE THAT OUT OF MY PAYCHECK. DING-***, THE PSYCHO'S GONE. ARE YOU SURE THIS TIME? YES, I ACTUALLY SAW HIM LEAVE. THAT GUY IS STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD. HE IS STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD! HEY, CHECK IT OUT, MAN. I TORE IT OFF SOME MANNEQUIN IN THE ALLEY BEHIND MACY'S. THERE IS NO ALLEY BEHIND MACY'S. SO I GOT IT IN THE JUNIOR MISS DEPARTMENT-- BIG DIF. IT'S GOING TO MAKE A HELL OF A CONVERSATION PIECE AT OUR NEXT COCKTAIL PARTY, HUH? OUR NEXT COCKTAIL PARTY? YEAH, YOU KNOW-- PUT CHIPS IN IT. WE'LL MAKE IT LIKE A CHIP CHICK. EDDIE, DO YOU REMEMBER YESTERDAY? UH, YES, I THINK I VAGUELY RECALL. ( clearing throat ) DO YOU REMEMBER TALKING TO ME YESTERDAY? UH, YES. SO WHAT HAPPENED? WE TOOK A ROAD TRIP TO LAS VEGAS, MAN. OH, SWEET MOSES. SO ON THIS ROAD TRIP, DID YOU GUYS WIN ANY MONEY? NAH, I CRAPPED OUT BUT MR. 21 OVER HERE, HE CLEANS UP! 300 BUCKS! HE BUYS ME THESE NEW SHOES. NICE. YEAH. SEE YOU UPSTAIRS. SEE YOU, PALS. IS ANYONE ELSE STARTING TO REALLY LIKE HIM? OH, NO... MAY I HELP YOU? WHY DOESN'T MY KEY WORK AND WHAT'S ALL MY STUFF DOING DOWNSTAIRS? OH, I'M SORRY. UH... HAVE WE MET? IT'S EDDIE, YOU FREAK, YOUR ROOMMATE. I'M SORRY. I, UH... I ALREADY HAVE A ROOMMATE. HELLO. YEAH. HE'S LIVED HERE FOR YEARS. I DON'T... I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, MAN. NO, NO, 'CAUSE, UH... NO, HE.. HE MOVED OUT... AND I MOVED IN. WELL, I... I THINK WE'D REMEMBER SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I KNOW I WOULD. OH, THAT'S A... THAT'S A GOOD POINT. UM... OKAY. WOW. I GUESS I GOT THE WRONG... APARTMENT THEN. I'M... LOOK, I'M... YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY. HEY, NO PROBLEM. SEE YA. GOOD-BYE, YOU FRUIT-DRYING PSYCHOPATH. SO, YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU UNPACK YOUR STUFF? NAH, NAH, I'M OKAY. OH, AND, UH... JUST SO YOU KNOW I'M NOT MOVING BACK IN BECAUSE I HAVE TO. I MEAN, I DO HAVE TO, BUT... IT'S JUST THAT THAT PLACE, IT WASN'T REALLY... I MEAN, THIS IS... WELCOME HOME, MAN. A LITTLE FOOS? ABSOLUTELY. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FOOSBALL? UH, IT'S A CANTALOUPE. WILL WE HAVE TO BRING THIS OUT EVERY TIME ROSS COMES OVER? HE PAID A LOT OF MONEY FOR IT. I'M GOING TO HOLD HIM A DIFFERENT WAY. LOOK, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. IF YOU HATED IT SO MUCH WHY DID YOU BUY IT IN THE FIRST PLACE? I HAD A WHOLE CERAMIC ZOO THING GOING OVER THERE, BUT... NOW WITHOUT THE OTHER ONES, IT JUST LOOKS TACKY. SO IS HE HOUSE TRAINED, OR IS HE GOING TO LEAVE LITTLE BATHROOM TILES ALL OVER THE PLACE? STAY. UH, STAY. GOOD FAKE DOG. [Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]