George Discovers How Mescal - Ed up his life would have been without benny - Fits

I THINK I GOT A GOOD SHOT AT WINNING THE CONTEST. NICE JOB, BROTHER. YOU'RE IN THE LEAD. REALLY? ALL RIGHT, RENO! OH, NOW YOU'RE IN SECOND. OH. THIRD. REALLY? NO. HOW COULD THAT BE POSSIBLE? ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, THE CONTEST IS OVER. I NEED YOUR PRODUCTIVITY NUMBERS. LET'S SEE WHO'S GOING TO RENO! HEY, GEORGE! ASK ME WHERE I'M GOING. I ALREADY KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING, MOM. IT'S HOT, FULL OF SINNERS, AND YOU'LL BE DATING HITLER. THAT'S HIS PUNISHMENT. NO, I'M GOING TO RENO BECAUSE I AM GOING TO WIN THE CONTEST. I ASKED AROUND. NOBODY'S GOT AS GOOD NUMBERS AS MINE. NO WAY. YOU MADE THESE UP. UH-UH. GO OUT THERE AND CHECK THE WAREHOUSE. GEE, I HAVEN'T WORKED SO HARD SINCE I TRIED TO TEACH YOU HOW TO SPELL "CAT." YOU NEVER TAUGHT ME ANYTHING. YOU JUST PUNISHED ME. I WASN'T HOOKED ON PHONICS. I WAS HOOKED TO A RADIATOR. LOOK, I KNOW THAT I HAVE GOT THE HIGHEST NUMBERS. SO LIKE I TOLD THE GUY I PICKED UP AT THIRSTY'S LAST NIGHT, CUT THE CHITCHAT AND GIVE MAMA WHAT SHE CAME FOR. ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE GATHER AROUND. LOOK, I JUST WANNA THANK YOU ALL FOR WORKING SO HARD THIS LAST MONTH. YOU'RE ALL WINNERS, AND YOU ALL SHOULD BE GOING TO RENO. (whistles) I SAID "SHOULD"! ONLY ONE OF YOU IS GOING. OKAY, MOM. THE WINNER IS... GINA SORENSTAM! HOT DAMN, I'M GOING TO RENO! THIS IS CRAP! I SHOULD HAVE WON, AND YOU KNOW IT. I HAD THE HIGHEST NUMBERS. AGE DON'T COUNT, SWEETHEART. I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT I DID NOT SLEEP WITH GEORGE TO GET THIS. YEAH, LET'S MAKE THAT CLEAR. YOU KNOW, THIS IS A TRIP FOR TWO, AND I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO TAKE WITH ME. SLEEPING IN A KING-SIZED BED IS GONNA BE AWFULLY LONELY WITHOUT A KING. A FINE AZTEC KING. GINA, THE HOTEL IN RENO DOESN'T HAVE TURNDOWN SERVICE, BUT I DO--NO! YOU'RE CRAZY. NO, I SHOULD HAVE WON, BUT YOU JUST COULDN'T LET ME, COULD YOU? HUH? BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHY? YOU HAVE NEVER WON ANYTHING IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE! HEY, I WON LOTS OF THINGS. YOU JUST WEREN'T THERE TO SEE IT. A LITTLE LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP, A BATTLE OF THE BANDS, FUNNIEST KID IN THIRD GRADE. WHERE DOES A SKUNK GO TO COLLEGE? P.U. THAT STILL HOLDS UP! SO THAT'S WHY YOU WOULDN'T LET ME WIN THIS TRIP, HUH? BECAUSE I MISSED A FEW THINGS? MOM, IT'S OVER. YOU LOST. GET BACK TO WORK. NO, IT'S NOT OVER. YOU SCREWED ME, AND NOW I AM GONNA GET YOU. IT'S PAYBACK TIME. OH... WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? RAISE ME AGAIN? THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO HURT ME NOW. WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. AY, DIOS MíO! WHY?! WHY DIDN'T SHE TAKE THE KIDS?! WE HAD SO MUCH IN COMMON! YOUR OVERSIZED HEAD... WHAT IS GOING ON? (screaming) "FOR EVERY DAY I DON'T GET MY TRIP TO RENO, ONE OF YOUR LOVED ONES WILL DIE." THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING. YOU HAD A LIFETIME GUARANTEE. I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO FIRST! YOU! HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE SOMETHING STOLEN FROM YOU? HURTS, DOESN'T IT? IF YOU TOUCH ANOTHER ONE OF MY CLUBS, MOM, I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL TAKE YOUR... I WILL HURT YOUR... DAMN IT, THERE'S NOTHING SHE CARES ABOUT! WE HAD A PRODUCTIVITY CONTEST AT WORK, AND MY MOM'S MAD BECAUSE SHE LOST. DON'T CALL ME "MOM." YOU ARE NOT MY SON ANYMORE. YES! FINALLY, THE NIGHTMARE ENDS! MAYBE NOW I CAN FIND A REAL MOM. I'M GONNA PUT AN AD IN THE PAPER. "LOOKING FOR NON-SMOKER... "WILLING TO HUG... "MUST BE ADULT HEIGHT." ANGIE, HE CHEATED ME. I SHOULD HAVE WON. I HAD THE HIGHEST NUMBERS. IS THAT TRUE? DID SHE HAVE THE HIGHEST NUMBERS? LOOK, SHE'S BEEN CHEATING ON HER TIME CARD FOR YEARS. WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THIS CONTEST? I DID THE WORK. WELL, WHOEVER DID THE MOST WORK SHOULD WIN. I MEAN, GEORGE, YOU HAVE TO BE A MAN OF YOUR WORD. WHY? SHE'S NEVER BEEN A MAN OF HER WORD. SHE SAID IF I GOT A "B" THAT I COULD GO TO TREE TOP RANGERS CAMP. WELL, I GOT THE "B"... BUT YOU NEVER LET ME GO, DID YOU, MOM? OH, MY GOD. THAT WAS, LIKE, 30 YEARS AGO. WHEN DOES THIS STOP? BOY, THE BUCKET NEVER COMES UP EMPTY FROM YOUR PITY WELL, DOES IT? WHILE ALL THE KIDS WERE CAMPING AND GETTING INDIAN NAMES, I WAS ALONE IN THE BACKYARD. SO I HAD TO COME UP WITH MY OWN NAME-- "BOY WHO PLAYS WITH HIMSELF." AFTER I TOLD THE OTHER RANGERS MY NAME, NOBODY WOULD DO THE SECRET HANDSHAKE WITH ME ANYMORE. OH. GEORGE, GEORGE, I AM SO SORRY THAT I DIDN'T LET YOU GO CAMPING. I'M SORRY I WASN'T THE PERFECT MOM. BUT I WON THIS TRIP FAIR AND SQUARE. YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, DO YOU? ANGIE, EXPLAIN TO MY MOM WHY I CAN'T GIVE HER THE TRIP. EXPLAIN. TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT. THAT'S A WEIRD WAY TO PUT IT, BUT THANK YOU. I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU. WHAT? AS HORRIBLE AS SHE WAS TO YOU-- AND YOU WERE HORRIBLE-- THAT WAS IN THE PAST. YOU CAN'T PUNISH HER FOR THAT NOW. ARE YOU SIDING WITH MY MOM? GEORGE, RIGHT IS RIGHT. NO. YOU'RE MY WIFE. I SUPPORT YOU, YOU SUPPORT ME. THINK VERY CAREFULLY ABOUT THE NEXT THING YOU SAY. ARE YOU SIDING WITH MY MOM? I'M SIDING WITH YOUR MOM. I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTOOD ME. I WILL LEAVE THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU BACK ME UP. SO... ARE YOU SIDING WITH YOUR HUSBAND, OR ARE YOU SIDING WITH MY MOM? I'M SIDING WITH YOUR MOM. LAST CHANCE! DAMN IT! AAH! (War's "Low Rider" playing) ♪ ALL MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ KNOW THE LOW RIDER ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ MAN, OUR WAITRESS IS BEAUTIFUL. SO, FOOL, ASK HER OUT. NO WAY. SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE. HERE YOU GO, BOYS. TWO MORE SHOTS OF MESCAL. ANYTHING ELSE I CAN GET YOU? UH, YEAH, MY FRIEND HAS SOMETHING HE WANTS TO ASK YOU. ASK HER, MAN. ASK. ASK HER. UM... I WAS WONDERING, UM, FRIDAY NIGHT AROUND 7:00, UM... WHAT'S YOUR SOUP GONNA BE? WE DON'T HAVE SOUP. OKAY. MY BAD. WOW, SHE DIDN'T GO FOR THE SOUP LINE? SHE'S OBVIOUSLY A LESBIAN. "WHAT'S YOUR SOUP?" ¿ESTá LOCO? "WHAT'S YOUR SOUP?" GOLLY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT ON ME JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE PROBLEMS AT HOME. I CAN'T BELIEVE ANGIE TOOK MY MOM'S SIDE AFTER ALL THAT THAT WOMAN'S DONE TO ME. HEY, GEORGE, YOU MIGHT HAVE HAD A ROUGH CHILDHOOD, BUT YOU GOT A GREAT LIFE NOW, OKAY? YOU GOT ANGIE, A GREAT FAMILY, YOU MANAGE THE PLANT, YOU GOT ANGIE. YOU SAID ANGIE TWICE. (laughing nervously) DID I? I'M SURE IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. ALL I KNOW IS, FOR SOMEBODY WHO HAS A BETTER LIFE THAN I DO, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY. YOU HAD A GREAT MOM. DON'T DRINK THAT, GEORGE. YOU GOT THE ONE WITH THE WORM, MAN. THAT THING HAS ALL KINDS OF WEIRD PSYCHEDELIC PROPERTIES. NO, IT DOESN'T. HEY, MAYBE I'LL HAVE A PSYCHEDELIC VISION AND FORGET ALL ABOUT MY HORRIBLE MOM. MMM. NOPE, NOTHING. SEE, I'M FINE WITH THE-- HELLO. OKAY. HEY, BUT IF YOU START FEELING WEIRD, LET ME KNOW! (screams) THIS WILL HELP YOU SLEEP BETTER. NO, DON'T SMOTHER ME! I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU MORE COMFORTABLE. WHAT WAS THAT? HEY, WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME? KISSED YOU, FUNNY BUNNY. CINNAMON ROLL? WHAT'S GOING ON? OH, YOU DOZED OFF WATCHING TV. YOU'RE HOME, ANGEL. HOME? ANGEL? HEY, ARE YOU DRUNK? DRINKING BEFORE 5:00? I DON'T THINK SO. HEY, LOOK AT ALL THESE PICTURES OF ME. YES, IT'S ALMOST TIME TO PUT UP THE SUMMER ONES. SO I LIVE HERE WITH YOU? WELL, UNTIL YOU MEET A GIRL WHO'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. AND, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK SOMEONE LIKE THAT REALLY EXISTS. YOU KNOW, I HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM. THAT YOU WERE ALWAYS MEAN TO ME, TELLING ME THAT MY HEAD WAS TOO BIG. I WOULD NEVER. GOD MADE YOUR HEAD THAT WAY SO IT COULD CRADLE THAT BIG, WONDERFUL BRAIN. LEMONADE? WHAT'S THIS? OH, THAT'S THE WEEKEND YOU WENT CAMPING WITH THE TREE TOP RANGERS. I WENT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE? I WAS THE DEN MOTHER, SILLY. OH, WE HAD THE BEST TIME EVER. WELL, YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT, "CUB AT MAMA BEAR'S SIDE." YES. AND IT'S STILL TRUE. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, MOM. I LOVE YOU MORE. (laughing) THIS IS WEIRD. YOUR HAIR SMELLS LIKE SHAMPOO INSTEAD OF CIGARETTES. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON... BUT IT'S AWESOME. I'LL SEE YOU AT LUNCH, MOM. ACTUALLY, HONEY, WE NEED TO TALK. NOW DON'T BE UPSET, BUT WORD AROUND THE FACTORY IS THAT THERE ARE GOING TO BE SOME LAYOFFS, AND YOUR NAME HAS BEEN MENTIONED. SHH. DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT A THING. IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME IF YOU KEEP THIS JOB OR NOT. I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. YOU'LL ALWAYS BE "CUB AT MAMA BEAR'S SIDE." (giggles) ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE! I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO LET SOME OF YOU GO. IT'S A HARD DECISION TO MAKE, SO I'M NOT GONNA DO IT. I'M GONNA TURN IT OVER TO THE BEST DAMN MANAGER THIS PLANT EVER HAD. (laughing) THAT WOULD BE ME. WATCH OUT--HELLO. THANKS, MEL. I GOT IT FROM HERE. NOW I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ALL A CHANCE TO FIGHT FOR YOUR JOB, ALL RIGHT? GEORGE, YOU'RE FIRST. HMM? ERNIE, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, IF MY JOB IS IN JEOPARDY, I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT. YOU SAY, "JUMP," I'LL SAY... "ON WHAT?" THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW, GINA. (gags) I'M GONNA GET RIGHT TO THE POINT, GEORGE. IN YOUR DEPARTMENT, I GOTTA FIRE ONE GUY. IT'S BETWEEN YOU AND MIKEY CRUZ. NO, NOT MIKEY! HE'S GOT A WIFE AND THREE KIDS! HE NEEDS HIS JOB! WHAT'S HE GONNA DO? OH, QUE LA, GEORGE! YOUR JOB'S AT STAKE, AND YOU'RE STICKING UP FOR THE OTHER GUY! THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM. YOU'RE A GOOD WORKER, BUT YOU'RE JUST TOO SOFT. I'M NOT SOFT. I WAS PLAYING MONOPOLY LAST NIGHT WITH MY MOM, AND SHE LANDED ON MY PROPERTY, AND SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY, AND I SAID, "¿SABES QUé? PAY UP!" GEORGE, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND. I'M GONNA PROTECT YOUR JOB ON THIS. BUT YOU GOTTA LEARN TO STICK UP FOR YOURSELF. I GOT... BACKBONE. PLEASE. YOU'RE A MAMA'S BOY. YOU LIVE AT HOME, AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE GUTS TO ASK A GIRL OUT. THAT'S NOT TRUE. I JUST HAVEN'T FOUND ANYONE GOOD ENOUGH. MY MOM SAYS SHE MIGHT NOT EVEN EXIST. THERE'S PLENTY OF WOMEN RIGHT HERE AT THE FACTORY. WHAT ABOUT TANYA? HEY, YOU'RE COMING OVER TO DINNER TONIGHT. I TOLD YOU I ALREADY HAVE A DATE. I'M BRINGING MY MOM! OH. YEAH? ERNIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE. TANYA, GEORGE HAS SOMETHING TO ASK YOU. GEORGE, COME HERE. NO, MAN, THAT'S A GIRL! ASK HER. ASK HER. ASK HER. ASK HER. UM, I WAS JUST THINKING, UH... LATER ON AROUND 7:00... DO YOU THINK THERE'S STILL GONNA BE ANY COFFEE LEFT? I GET OFF AT 6:00. HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW? SORRY FOR BOTHERING YOU. HEY, MY BAD, MAN. SHE DIDN'T GO FOR THE COFFEE LINE. SHE'S OBVIOUSLY A LESBIAN. "WILL THERE BE ANY COFFEE LEFT?" ¿ESTá LOCO? "WILL THERE BE ANY COFFEE LEFT?" HONEY, I'M HOME! HEY, GEORGE. NO! WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? I'M KISSING MY WIFE. THAT'S RIGHT-- YOU AND ANGIE ARE MARRIED. I'M COOL WITH THAT. NO! DUDE, I KNOW YOU GOT A CRUSH ON MY LADY, SORRY. DON'T BE SO *** GEORGE. I'M FLATTERED. (giggles) IS EVERYTHING OKAY? YEAH, WE HEARD SOMEONE YELLING. YOU COULD HEAR THE EARTH TURNING WITH THOSE EARS. HEY, DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY KIDS, BROTHER. YEAH, YOUR KIDS. OH, MAN... KIDS, WHY DON'T YOU GO WASH UP? DINNER WILL BE READY IN A MINUTE. GO WASH. (screaming) LOVE YOU, POOH BEAR! SO I SEE WHAT'S FOR DINNER, WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT. WATCH OUT--WAAPAAH! STOP WHAT? I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, MAN! ANGIE'S MY WIFE! THOSE ARE MY KIDS! THIS IS MY HOUSE, AND THIS IS MY LIFE! YOU'RE LOSING IT, MAN. DADDY, WILL YOU TAKE A LOOK AT GEORGE? I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG! MY MOM LOVES ME, AND IT RUINED EVERYTHING. LET ME SEE YOUR EYES. OH, YES. IN MY PROFESSIONAL OPINION-- YOU ARE HAVING A HALLUCINOGENIC REACTION TO EATING ME. I'M IN YOUR BELLY. WATCH ME DANCE. (Ernie) GEORGE! GEORGE! WAKE UP! GEORGE! GEORGE, WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WHAT'S GOING ON? DUDE, YOU ATE THE WORM, AND YOU PASSED OUT. OKAY... WAIT A MINUTE. I'M THE MANAGER OF THE FACTORY, ANGIE'S MY WIFE AND MY MOM'S AN EVIL WOMAN, RIGHT? YEAH! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? MAN, I HAD THIS WEIRD DREAM THAT MY MOM WAS SWEET AND SHE TOOK CARE OF ME. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN GREAT. NO, EVERYTHING WAS BACKWARDS. YOU HAD MY JOB AND WERE MARRIED TO ANGIE. I WAS? YOU GUYS WERE KISSING AND EVERYTHING. ISN'T THAT CRAZY? HEY, GIVE ME EVERY FREAKING WORM YOU HAVE. BETTER THAN ERNIE, HUH? I TOLD YOU, IT WAS A CHRISTMAS PARTY TEN YEARS AGO. HE AMBUSHED ME UNDER THE MISTLETOE. LET IT GO. I LOVE YOU, ANGIE. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, AND THE KIDS AND EVERYTHING. I COULDN'T ASK FOR A BETTER LIFE. WHAT IS GOING ON? YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST REALIZED, ANGIE? THAT I HAD THE GUTS TO GO AFTER YOU, AND THE MANAGER'S JOB, TOO, ALL BECAUSE MY MOM WAS SO TOUGH ON ME. I JUST FOUND A TINY DIAMOND IN THE PILE OF CRAP THAT WAS MY CHILDHOOD! WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU'RE GOING TO RENO. I KNEW YOU'D BACK DOWN, YOU BIG WUSS. FOR WHAT? FOR SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT. I'M ANYTHING BUT A WUSS. IF YOU WEREN'T SO TOUGH ON ME, I'D BE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO JUST SAT BACK AND LET SOMEBODY DESTROY MY CLUBS. INSTEAD, I'M THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO BREAKS INTO THEIR CAR AND TAKES THIS. THAT'S MY STEERING WHEEL! YOU'LL GET IT BACK WHEN I GET BACK MY GOLF CLUBS AND THE NEW DRIVER YOU'RE GONNA BUY ME. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT IF I CAN'T USE MY CAR? I'M GONNA SAY THE SAME THING TO YOU THAT YOU SAID TO ME WHEN I WAS 8 AND I STEPPED ON THAT NAIL THAT WENT THROUGH MY FOOT. NOT MY PROBLEM! I GOT YOUR MESSAGE. I CUT HIM OFF AT FIVE. DUDE, YOU KNOW YOU'RE DANCING? YEAH, I KNOW. NO, I DON'T THINK SO. YOU'LL HAVE TO DIP ME, ERNIE. I DON'T HAVE ANY ARMS. OKAY, TIME TO GO HOME. (giggling)