Last Man Standing S2E6 - English Transcript

- Hey, hey. - Hey. I brought someone home for dinner. Oh, please, not Ed. You know, I don't know what that guy has against the fork, but I just--I can't watch him eat any more. No. I'd like you to meet my little friend. - Aw. - And four of his unfortunate buddies. As they say, any species, the plump and the slow are the first to go. (Laughs) Great. Another thing to pluck. You want me to freeze the heart and liver? Eh hey, wait a minute. Give Muffin the liver. (Barks) How can a heart be frozen when you're here to warm it up? Aw. You are so sweet after a kill. Hey, guys. Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Because studies have linked high-fructose corn syrup to cancer. Lollipops are the cigarettes of today. Hold it, hold it. You gonna give a speech? Where's the soapbox? Uh, it's wherever you left it. You were using it last. Oh, Mom, can you get this out of here before Boyd sees it? I do not want him knowing that his food once had a face. Kris, you've been hunting with me before. Where's he think meat comes from? The magic meat fairy? (Scoffs) Don't be ridiculous. - It's the beef genie. - Right. Maybe Boyd should learn the harsh realities of where food comes from. I mean, why fill his head with these fairy tales? Because he's 5? Besides, Boyd is a really picky eater. This might scare him off eating one of the only things he likes--meat. Hold on. Actually I agree with Mike. - What? - Are you high? Are you serious? No, he's right. We shouldn't be filling Boyd's head with fairy tales. Wait--reverse psychology, right? You agree with me, and I change my position? Listen, I'm not the one that's 5. Look, I'm serious. I agree with you. We should always tell children the truth. Okay. Why don't we get the little *** in here - and explain how this thing happened? - Honey, don't say that. I've been waiting for the right time to teach Boyd how the meat he eats comes from the slaughtering of innocent animals. This duck was not innocent. He was flying away from something pretty fast. Ryan, this is crazy, okay? Seeing that dead duck will traumatize Boyd. Yeah, maybe just enough to turn him off meat for good. And that way, we can get him to become a vegan. Or at the very least, a vegetarian. - You are already a pain in the *** to cook for. - Yeah. I don't need another one actually living in the house. You know, by the way, veganism's not that natural. We watched a thing on cable about a subspecies of caveman that was called-- they were the, um Australopithecus Sediba. Those people. They didn't eat meat, and they died out all of them, except maybe one. Whoa. What's that? Uh Sunday night's dinner. Looks like a dead bird to me, Boyd. Like that one that flew into our sliding glass door. Remember how it suffered, buddy? And Daddy had to call the landlady to take it away? Listen, Boyd, a lot of the meat you eat comes from animals. - Let me show you some of Hold on Kris-- - No, Dad, can we not do this right now? Just--look. Hey, Boyd? Look at this. You like hamburger, right? This (Imitates cow mooing) comes from cows. You like, uh, ham? So do I. Oink, oink. Comes from pigs. That's where the meat comes from. You like hot dogs--you know where that comes from? Dogs?! No, no. It's delicious beef by-products wrapped in a little casing. Yeah, like eyelids, ears, lips, and intestines. Mmm. Who's hungry? Listen, the point is, a lot of the foods we eat come from delicious animals like this guy right here. Okay. Cool. What? (High-pitched voice) Yeah, I'd like to talk a little bit more, but I gotta slip out of these feathers into an orange glaze. So then I matched receipts against inventory, and these are the areas we're being hit by shoplifters. - I got this - Yeah. But here-- that's river rafting. Somebody walked out of here with a kayak. Try hiding a 12-foot boat down your pants. I do it every day, Ed. (Knock on door) Hey, you wanted to see me, Mr. Alzate? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kyle, come here. Uh, take a look at this board, all right? All right, the dots represent the instances of shoplifting. And the colors signify the dates when they occurred. - Wow. - Yeah. Think it's the work of one man? Yeah, you could say that. Guess which one man was working those areas these days? I would hate to be Kyle. And yet you get up and do it every day. I just remembered. This one-- that wasn't shoplifting. I drove a forklift into a pallet of kerosene lanterns. Thought I saw a bee. It was just a scratch on my goggles. I was kind of (Clears throat) Come here. You're a great kid, Kyle. Huh? With a trusting, trusting soul, all right? But people out there are looking to rob us blind. You have to do better than that, son. All right. (Chuckles) Thanks, Mr. Alzate. I won't let you down. I know you won't. I know you won't. Listen, you're like family to us, huh? - Thanks. - All right. We need to fire that kid. I can't believe you guys might fire Kyle. - He's like family. - It's Ed. Family doesn't mean the same thing to him. He's had four wives. That dude is used to a lot of turnover. Wait, kris, isn't Kyle that *** you used to date? Seems like she goes for a type. Guys, come on in. Dinner. - Oh, finally. I'm starving. - Hey! Jeez. Got a lot of energy for a guy who lives on leaves. Hey, cool new jacket. Oh, thanks. Just got it. Let me guess. Outdoor man? Kyle's section? I don't know what you're suggesting. I enjoy shopping in all sections of the Outdoor Man store. Yeah, but when you shop in Kyle's section, you have a way of not paying for stuff. It's not like I'm stealing. We get a 20% off family discount, right? So instead of buying things and taking 20% off, I just walk out with 20% of what I would normally buy, so But Kyle's in trouble because of people like you. Okay. I'll take it back in the spring, okay? - Okay, I'm telling Mom. - No, no! I'll take it back tomorrow. Mike, if you would like to say grace, I can take my quinoa and wait outside. You better grab a coat. Sometimes my grace takes three hours. I got grace covered. I said "God bless it" about 30 times while I was plucking these guys. What is this? It's duck, son. Boyd, try your potatoes, sweetie. Here. Is it the one grandpa shot? Yep. The poor little ducky was flying home to see his wife and ducklings When he was blown out of the sky. Actually, this bird died with a big smile on his beak. He was single. Honey He just hadn't met someone as beautiful as your grandma. Quack, quack, quack. Ryan! What's the matter with you? - What? - Come on, come on. Can we all just eat in peace, please? Ha! With a vegan and a hunter in the house, the over-under on that is "No. " I don't want to eat this. (Mike) Boyd, sit back down here. Boyd. (Kristin) Great. God, thanks a lot, you two. What did I do? "No more fairy tales. Let's teach him the harsh realities of life"? I'm not the one that said "quack, quack. " I was just teaching him that eating a dead animal is disgusting. The disgusting part's what's in the gravy. Boyd only eats two things-- pasta and meat. Now we're down to one. Okay, so whip him up some pasta, then. - What did you just say to me? - Ooh! - "Whip him up some pasta!" - Ahh! Nice timing to grow some giblets. Good night, Grandpa. Good night, Boyd. (Kisses) You know, I love you so much. Hey, I wanna show you something. Is it something you shot? Come here. See these sharp teeth right here? - Uh-huh. - I got two of 'em. You have 'em, too. They're called canine teeth. And God gave us those teeth so we could rip the flesh off other animals. It's like the circle of life. Like "The Lion King"? Just like "The Lion King. " Look at here. See the fish? Fish catches the worm, we catch the fish, we eat the fish. Who eats us? That's the beauty of it. We're the top of the food chain. And since we're Americans, we're at the very top. That's not a circle. No, it's not a circle. Well, here Fish eats the worm, men eat the fish, then when we die, the worms eat us. We're gonna die? Uh Um, in--in a long time from now. You're gonna die? Oh, boy. Yeah. - Mommy's gonna die? - Oh Not for a long time. Am I gonna die?! Not for a long, long time. Long time. What about Muffin? Not as long. No! - Boyd! - Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! - What-- - Hey. What's going on in here? We had a little bedtime chat about death. - Hey, Mandy. - Hey! Hi. You ought to get that jacket. Looks good on you. I know. I used to have one just like it. Uh, how are you, Kyle? - Well, not great. - Oh. People have been ripping us off. I might get fired. Why do people steal? I don't know. Um, maybe they just look really cute in stuff that they can't afford, and their dad recently-- recently cut their allowance because of poor grades. You know? It's just one theory. Um, what kind of stuff have they been taking? - Uh, a little bit of everything. - Uh-huh. From right under my nose. - Sunglasses. - Wow, yeah. Probably just walked right out. Little stuff like this. Probably, like, easy to conceal. (Clinking) And somebody walked out of here with a kayak. (Laughs) Yeah, I can't help you there. I wonder if it's that guy I helped carry a kayak to his car? (Exhales deeply) Hey, Kyle? I'm gonna help you save your job. All right. Number one rule about shoplifters is trust no one, all right? Now check out those teenage girls. I really shouldn't. We had a seminar about that. Kyle--uh, with girls, you really have to pay attention. Okay, and if the hot one starts talking to you, the only possible explanation - is that her friends are ripping you off. - Wow. That's a really smart and hurtful tip. You're like an expert in shoplifting. I guess growing up around here, you've seen it all, huh? Yeah, let's go with that. So Boyd's teacher asked him to put away his blocks, and he said, "Why? We're all gonna die one day. " He's got a point. (Switch clicks) You know what's not on anyone's bucket list? Putting their blocks away. Oh, honey. Come on, admit it. You went a little bit too far this time. We had the death conversation with the girls. It was okay. Yeah, but they were a lot older. And we still haven't told Mandy. Wait a minute. I remember giving it to Eve when she was about Boyd's age. It was when Johnny Unitas died. And she was all right with this. No, no, no, honey, she was trying to help you get through it. You're the one who was a mess. Not even funny. (Switch clicks) We gotta toughen these kids up. Otherwise, we've just got a bunch of babies. You know what happens then? President Hillary Clinton? Don't even go there! Congratulations. My son won't let me turn off the light because he's afraid he's going to die (Mike groans) (Clenches teeth) And that worms will eat him. Worms? Oh. - Mwah. - What? - Oh! - Tag, you're it. Where are you going? To sleep. I have a 5:00 a. m. shift. Where are you going? I'm gonna make some cocoa. Yeah, that'll put him to sleep. Fine, I'll make a cup for Boyd, too. Make sure he gets the one without the Schnapps in it! Ahh. (Switch clicks) All right. Sorry. Kind of scared, huh? Uh-huh. You don't-- you don't wet the bed when you're scared, do ya? Sometimes. Hey, why don't we scootch you over to Grandma's side? Listen. Come here. You know, you don't have to be scared of dying. How come? Because human beings are lucky. When we die, we go to a really great place. It's a lot of fun there. Like the park? Better than the park. Come on. The swings swing themselves, the slide goes on forever, and, you know, there's no cat poop in the sandbox. It's called heaven. It's--it's a great place. Everything and everyone that you love is there. Like you and Mommy? Oh, yeah. We'll be there, yeah. And Daddy? Well, if he lands on the right side of some policy issues, yeah. He'll get there. He'll get there. Yeah, of course he'll be there. You know, it's heaven. It's the greatest place ever, kid. It really is. I can't wait to die. No, you wanna live a long time. A long, long time. You wanna live as long as you can. You wanna remind Grandpa that he said that when he's sitting in this bed with machines and hoses attached to him. Ah, you don't want to hear about when you get older. Stuff just stops working. It's horrible getting-- Hey, why don't we go to sleep? Let's go to sleep. Will you tell me a story? Sure, I will. Come over here. Um, about the great king, Ronald Reagan. I heard that one already. Let me introduce you to the pillow! Listen, come over here. Listen. Okay. The great close your eyes. We're gonna go to sleep. The great king, Ronald Reagan, who slayed the idiot peanut farmer. Okay, remember, Kyle, if you're gonna spot shoplifters, everyone's a suspect, okay? Hey. Check out that guy at 3:00. All right. What do I do till then? No, it's Remember rule number 7 for spotting shoplifters? It's--it's like the opposite of normal life-- you pay attention to the fat people. Now that you mention, he wasn't that big when he came in before. Excuse me, sir? Can I help you with something? No, I'm good, thanks. It's just that your head is abnormally small for such a large body. I'm gonna have to ask you to disrobe. Excuse me? Oh, it's just that I believe you may be concealing items underneath your coat. I've never been so insulted in my life. I'm sorry. Why would you accuse me of such a horrible thing? I don't know. I'm a terrible person? No! No, you're not, Kyle. He is. Hey, show's over, buddy. You lied to me. Yeah, the shoplifters are gonna do that. - I'll take it from here. - No, no, no, no. Good work, Kyle. Good work. Listen to me-- you set foot in this store again, you're gonna wake up in the gorilla habitat at the Denver zoo wearing banana-scented lingerie. Come on. What are you, a 42 long? Come on. Get out of here. Go on. Come on. Scram. Come on. Hang a left. (Exhales deeply) You were right, Mandy. The world's a cesspool, just overflowing with cess. And people are just paddling around on top of it in stolen kayaks. Thank God there's still good people like you. Um, I'm not actually such a good person, Kyle. I've actually been coming in here on your shift and swiping stuff. Wow. - Did seem like you'd been coming around a lot. - Yeah. Sort of thought you had a crush on me. Ew! (Laughs) No. No. Sorry. That's That's not it. I'm sorry for taking advantage of you. It's all right. You made up for it. Told the truth. You apologized. You helped me save my job. And only a nice person would do that. You think I'm nice? Yes. I think you're nice. And smart. No one's ever called me that before. Yeah, me, neither. I think you're nice and smart, too, for noticing. Thanks. Yeah. Sir, let me help you with that kayak. (Man) No, it's okay. I got it. Kyle! Ask to see a receipt first! I need to have a word with you, Mike. Yeah, I'd love to have a word with you. I really would, but I've got a very important meeting with this cold beer. (Clink) "How was your day?" "I'll tell you about my day as soon as I take your top off. " (Fizzes) Why would you tell Boyd about heaven? Weren't you the guy who said we shouldn't be telling him fairy tales? Well, because heaven's a real place to me. Like your apartment's a real place. Why don't you go there? Look, Kristin and I are raising Boyd without religion. (Grunts) Why saddle a kid with all that guilt and shame? It's all nonsense. Wh-whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. In this house, religion isn't nonsense. Vanessa, you're a scientist. How could you believe this stuff? Well, heaven doesn't contradict science. Look, we're made of energy, and energy transforms. It doesn't get destroyed. In your case, it's rarely used. Okay, so you're telling me our energy goes up to heaven and just sits around playing the harp? Don't get her all lit up, kid. You're gonna learn about the afterlife first-hand. Look, I don't know where our energy goes, but who are you to say it isn't heaven? A rational-minded person, that's who. (Lowered voice) Will you guys please stop? I finally got Boyd to go to sleep, and I'd like to keep him that way. How can you believe in something that you can't even quantify? (Lowered voice) Because the world is filled with things that don't make any rational sense. Yeah, a lot of things, like the U. N. Plus-sized bikinis. Wealthy democrats. The fact that you two got together in the first place. Kris, come on. Tell them what we believe in. I'll tell you what I believe in. I believe in Boyd sleeping through the night, and if heaven helps him do that, then heaven help anybody who tells him otherwise. (Mike) That's my girl. Yes, I am your girl, Dad, but I am also Boyd's mom, so no more scaring him with the harsh realities of life. And from now on, you can talk to my dad about three things, okay? Cars, sports, and Spaghetti Westerns. But I don't know anything about those subjects. Good. They'll be short conversations. Oh. Oh. I can't sleep. I knew it. All this yelling woke him up. Hey. Did you dream about the worms again? No, I'm hungry. I want a bologna sandwich. Ugh, Boyd, bologna comes from You know, buddy, I'll make that for ya. Where does bologna come from? Uh Magic meat people. (Gunfire on TV) "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. " That's young Clint Eastwood. It's a classic Spaghetti Western. Why spaghetti? The director-- Sergio Leone. Famous Italian director. I'm sure they tried "Lasagna Westerns," it just sounded stupid. Well, I hope it's better than Clint's last movie-- "The Old, The Chair, and The Crazy. " He said what needed to be said, okay? I'll give you this-- the chair wasn't his best co-star. Rates just above Tyne Daly and below that stupid orangutan. Yeah, but aren't all these movies the same? A tough, stoic, vengeful hero takes the law into his own hands and shoots anybody he doesn't like? What's the appeal? (Western theme playing)