The One Where Joey Speaks French

Hi. Oh, my God! How was the honeymoon? Oh, incredible. Oh, champagne, candlelit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach. It was so romantic. So where's Mike? Oh, he's at the doctor. He didn't poop the whole time we were there. Well, anyway, I'm glad you're back. Oh, why? What's up? Well, I have an audition for this play, and for some of it, I have to speak French. Which, according to my resume, I'm fluent in. Joey, you shouldn't lie on your resume. Yeah, you really shouldn't. By the way, how was that yearlong dig in Cairo? ( softly ): It was okay. I did not know you spoke French. Oui, bien sur je parle francais. ( continues speaking French ) Oh. You're so sexy. JOEY: So will you help me? Sure. ( speaking French ) Seriously, stop it or I'm gonna jump on you. Captioning sponsored by NBC and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION and the Kellogg Company ♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪ ♪ Your job's a joke, you're broke ♪ ♪ Your love life's D.O.A. ♪ ♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪ ♪ When it hasn't been your day, your week ♪ ♪ Your month, or even your year ♪ ♪ But I'll be there for you ♪ ♪ 'Cause you're there for me, too. ♪ Hey. Why are you wearing my apron? I'm making cookies for Erica. By the way, we have to leave for the airport soon. Her plane comes in in about an hour. Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it okay if I introduce you two as my wife, and the woman who's carrying my child? No? Divorce? Hey. You guys know where Rachel is? I haven't seen her since this morning. It's unbelievable. She was supposed to meet me a half hour ago with Emma. Hey. Hey! These are for Erica. What, she's going to eat all those cookies? Well, I want the baby to come out all cute and fat. So why is Erica coming to visit? Because we want to get to know her better, and, uh... Plus, she's never been to New York, so she's wants to see all the tourist spots: the Statue of Liberty and Empire State Building... Those places, there's always so many people, and they're being corralled like cattle. And there's always some idiot who goes "moo." Well, if it annoys you so much, then why do you do it? Oh, hi. Hi. Thanks for showing up 30 minutes late. No, no, no, I'm sure you have a great excuse. What was it, a hair appointment? A mani-pedi? Was there a sale at Barney's? My father had a heart attack... while I was at Barney's. Honey... I'm so sorry. Is he okay? Yeah, they said he's going to be fine, but he's still heavily sedated. Okay, okay, I'm going to come out to Long Island with you. I mean, you can't be alone right now. No, come on, I'm totally okay. ( cries ): I don't need you to come. I can totally handle this on my own. Still, still, let me come... for me. Okay, if you really need to. I bet someone could use one of Monica's freshly baked cookies. ( gasps ): Oh, I really could. All right, this seems pretty simple. Your first line is, "My name is Claude." So just repeat after me. Je m'appelle Claude. Je de coup, plau. Well, let's just... let's try it again. Okay. Je m'appelle Claude. Je de ple, mloo. Huh. It's not quite what I'm saying. Really? Sounds exactly the same to me. It does, really? Yeah. All right, let's just try it again. Got it. ( slowly ): Okay. Je m'appelle Claude. Je da flup, flee. Oh, mon dieu. Oh, de foof. Hey, you guys. Hey. I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby. Joey... Erica. Baby. Hi. Everyone... Erica. Baby. Monica. Calm. Self. JOEY: Hey, sit down. Thank you. It's really nice to meet you guys. I can't believe I'm here. Welcome to New York City. Or should I say... Gue de floof, New York City. Why would you say that? Okay, what are you going to be doing today? Well, I want to see everything: Times Square, Coney Island, Rockefeller Center. Oh, you know what you should do? You should walk all the way to the top of the Statue of Liberty. Oh, yeah, let's do that. Great. This baby better be really good. Hi. Excuse me, I'm here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green. Ross, please, this is a hospital, okay. That actually means something here. So can we please go in? Absolutely. Rach, I think I'm gonna wait out here because, uh... my throat is feeling a little scratchy. I don't want to infect him. Ross, please, don't be so scared of him. I'm not scared of him, I'm really sick. He's under sedation, so he's pretty much out. I'm feeling better. ( gasps ) Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh? Ms. Green, your father's doctor is on the phone if you'd like to speak to him. Oh, great. Are you going to be okay? He's unconscious. I think we'll be just fine. Okay. ( horses neigh, dinosaur roars) ( roars ) ( chuckles ) Um, did... did the TV wake you? No. When you put your feet up on my bed, you tugged on my catheter. Ouchie. What are you doing here, Geller? I came with Rachel, who should be back any second. So what's new? Oh, I had a little heart attack. Right. Is it painful? What, the heart attack, or sitting here talking to you? ( chuckles nervously ) Let's see if we can get that Rachel back here. So what's new with you? Knocked up any more of my daughters lately? Nope. Just the one. Rach! Je m'appelle Claude. Je dup kol, mlu. No! Okay. Maybe if we just break it down. Okay, let's just... let's try it one syllable at a time. Okay, so repeat after me. Je. Je. M'a. Pelle. Pelle. Great. Okay, faster. Je. M'a. M'a. Pelle. Pelle. Me poo poo. Okay, it's too hard. I can't teach you. What are you doing? I have to go before I put your head through a wall. No, no! Don't go. I need you. My audition is tomorrow. Ja blu bla! Me la pee! Oom blah! Poo. Hi. I was going to make us some dinner, but all I found in your dad's fridge was bacon and heavy cream. I think we solved the mystery of the heart attack. Did you call your parents? Oh, yeah. Emma's doing great. Oh, good. Wow. What? Just can't believe I'm in Rachel Green's room. What do you mean? You've been in my room before. Yeah, sure, right. Like I'd ever be in Rachel Green's room. Okay, I gotta tell you, it's really weird when you use my whole name. Sorry. You okay? Yeah. You had a rough day, huh? Yeah. Just so weird seeing him like that, you know? I mean, he's a doctor. You don't expect doctors to get sick. But we do. You know, he's going to be okay, Rach. Oh, I don't want him to wake up alone. I should go to the hospital. No, no. Hey, hey, hey, look. They gave him a lot of medication, okay? He wouldn't even know if you were there. We'll go see him first thing in the morning, okay? Really? I shouldn't feel guilty? No. Hey, Rach, you've been an amazing daughter, okay? Right now you just need to get some rest. Okay, maybe you're right. Good night. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Would you stay here with me for a little while? Sure. Okay. Thank you for coming with me today. Oh, of course. Rachel Green is very happy you're in her room. Me, too. Come here. I just don't want to be alone tonight. Okay, well, um... I can maybe grab a sleeping bag or... Oh... Oh. No, Rach! I'm sorry, I just... I just don't think this... this is a good idea. Well, we won't know that until we do it, will we? Uh, look, um, you are upset about your father and you're feeling vulnerable. And I just don't feel it would be right. I feel like I'd be, you know, taking advantage of you. Taking advantage? I'm giving you the advantage. Enjoy. Look, I'm sure it would be great. But I think one of us has to be thinking clearly. So I'm going to go. Wow. Okay. Mm-hmm. Haven't had sex in four months. I should get a medal for that. Thanks so much for taking me to all those places. I had a great time. Oh, I'm glad. Listen, I want to apologize about Chandler, though. I just did not see this coming. New York is awesome! What is with you? You know, I've been to these places before, but I've never really seen them, you know? Yeah, you miss a lot when you're mooing. Thanks so much for showing me around. Oh, it was our pleasure. We're so much enjoying getting to know you. Well, if there's anything else you want to know... Oh. Uh... okay. Um, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father? Oh, sure. Yeah. He was my high school boyfriend. Captain of the football team. Really cute. And he got a scholarship and went off to college. That's great. Yeah, it's almost definitely him. How's that now? Well, there's a chance it's another guy. I mean, I've only ever been with two guys, but they sort of overlapped. So what does the other guy do? Does he go to college, too? No, he's in prison. Oh. Was he falsely accused of something? No, he killed his father with a shovel. But other than that, he's a great guy. I'll bet his dad doesn't think so. Are you awake? Of course I'm awake! Assume from now on that I'm always awake! All right. We don't know that it's him. I mean, it could be the football guy. Honey, it's us! Of course it's the shovel killer! All right, let's say that it is him. Would we not want the baby? No. Would you treat him any differently? I'd keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is. How? I don't know. They have tests for these things, right? Yeah, but maybe we're just overreacting. Easy for you to say. He's a father killer. He probably loves his mommy. He's probably got a tattoo then says "Mom" on his shovel-wielding arm. MAN: We'll now count from one to five. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq. Enh, bluh, blah, fluh, flank. Good job. Thank you. Hey, Joey. Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday. And I thought about it a lot. I was too impatient. So let's try it again. No, that's okay. I don't need your help. I worked on it myself. And I gotta say I am pretty good. Really? Can I hear some of it? Sure, sure. Okay. ( clears throat ) Blay de la blay de blu blah blay! See? You're not... You're not... Again, you're not speaking French! Oh, well, I think I am! Yeah. And I think I'm definitely going to get the part. How could you possibly think that? For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job! Hey, Rach, could you grab me a cup of coffee? Sure. You've been quiet all morning. Is everything okay? Mm-hmm. You sure you're all right? Yep. Okay. Um, well, I'm going to go grab us some breakfast. FYI... There it is. In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex, just do it. Wait, wait. You're mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing. Really? Well, it seems to me if you'd done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed. I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied. Well... Oh, stop that! I can't believe this. What do you... I... I was just being a good guy. I treated you with respect and understanding. Oh, that's so hot. Hey, I was looking out for you! Oh, really? Well, Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I don't need someone telling me what is best for me. I got to say I've not had sex a lot of times before. This is the worst ever. Oh, really? Really? Well, it wasn't very good for me, either. Oh, okay. Hey, hey, you know what? You know what? To avoid this little thing in the future, let's just say-- you and me? Never having sex again. That's right. Sex is off the table. I am never having sex with you again. Dr. Green, are you feeling better? Hey. How was lunch? We had a good time. By the way, I wanted to ask you something. It would really mean a lot to me-- if the baby was a boy-- that you name him after my father, Jiminy Billy Bob. Oh, really? No! You were right. That was fun. I'm going to go finish packing. Okay. So, is she going to take the test? Nope. She doesn't have to. I found out who the father is. Oh, God. It's Shovely Joe, isn't it? How do you know? Well, it turns out that Erica didn't pay much attention is sex ed class 'cause the thing she did with that prison guy? It'd be pretty hard to make a baby that way. Oh, God, what was it? The thing we hardly ever do, or the thing we never do? The thing we never do. Shovely Joe. Whenever you're ready, Joey. Right. Jai boo boo, Claude. Uh, sle poo. Laylu blah blu. I'm sorry. What's going on? Dude, come on. French it up. Joey, do you speak French? Toot de la smor! Blu, blu ay, blu blah. Foo... You know what? I think this audition is over. ( French accent ): Excuse me. I am Regine Filange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the, the regional dialect of my French town of Estee Lauder. You really think this man is speaking French? Oh, sa sa! ( speaking French ) ( continues speaking French ) Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we're going to go with someone else for the part. Oh. All right. But my French was good? It was great. See? Merci, au revoir. Tout de la fruit. Emma's down for the night. Oh, good. So I guess I'm going to take off. Okay. Hey, listen, just before you go. Again, I just want to say thank you for coming with me. Oh, no problem. And also, you know, I, uh, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about the whole sex thing, and... probably not a great idea to go down that road again. Thank you. I'm glad, I'm glad you agree. It's a shame, though. I mean, when we did it, it was pretty good. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Hey, do you remember that one really great time? Oh, yeah. You know, it was your birthday. Valentine's Day. Oh, yeah. Well, I guess that's all in the past now. Mm-hmm. Not even one more time. Not even once. No matter how much we want it. Even if we want it really bad. That's what we decided. That's right. It's kinda hard, though, you know? When two people have a connection, you know that's... just seems like such a... waste. I hate waste. Ross? Yes? Just so you know... with us... it's never off the table. Damn it. It's never off the table. Okay, can you really tap dance? No. It's off the resume. Archery? Nope. Horseback riding? Would fall off a lot. You can drink a gallon of milk in ten seconds? That I can do. Come on. You can drink a gallon of milk in ten seconds? All right, watch me. Okay, you time me. Ready? Ready. Go! You did it! Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org