Кин - дза - дза! 1 серия / kin - Dza - Dza! film 1

MOSFILM Artistic Association of Comedy and Musical Films presents KIN-DZA-DZA! Written by Revaz GABRIADZE Georgy DANELIYA Directed by Georgy DANELIYA Director of Photography Pavel LEBESHEV Production Designers Alexander SAMULEKIN Theodor TEZIK Music by Gia KANCHELI English subtitles by T. Kameneva - Hi. - Hi. What's new? Manyukhin got pipes burst on his site. That's what she's like, an Odessa girl, A delicate, lively Odessa girl, She dances and sings, The kisses she brings To those who with merriment rings! Daddy, daddy, what are we to do When the freezing cold comes? You have no warm kerchief, You have no winter coat! How is our exemplary student? Our exemplary student went for a walk. Vovka, go buy bread. I forgot to. Yes, and buy some macaroni. Comrade, there's a man there who says he's an alien. - We have to do something. - Call the ambulance. I will, but he's all but barefoot, he may catch a cold. - Hello. - Hello. Sorry, I smell bad. It's cold. I took this from an iron box. Good for you. Friend, tell me the number of your planet in the Tentura, or at least the number of your galaxy in the Spiral. Because I mixed up contacts and can't return home now. We don't know the number. We forgot it, dear. The boy will go and call the information, and we'll wait for him in a bread shop. All right? Meanwhile, put this on. Oh, thank you. Listen, friends. Forget the bread shop, forget the information. This is my planet. UZM 247 in the Tentura. Beta Galaxy in the Spiral. This is the machine for moving over in space. Which contact shall I push to move back home? Because time is relative. You must know that? We have a suggestion: we push the contacts and move to your place. But if the machine doesn't work, then you will move where we move you. Is it a deal? No, we can't. - One should know. - We can. - What do you see? - Sand. So that *** worked. And that goat with holes, did he stay back there? Stay cool. There's the sun. There's the sand. There's gravitation. Where are we? We are on Earth. - Or... - Or? Let's suppose we're on Earth, in a desert. The Kara ***? What other deserts do we have? - Gobi, Sahara. - I said, we have. We have Kyzyl ***, too. No, let's suppose it's Kara ***. All right. The sun is in the west. So Ashkhabad must be there. Got it? Let's go. Come on! Come on! With Olga MASHNAYA Irina SHMELYOVA Lev PERFILOV, Anatoly SERENKO Comrade, what's your name? Vladimir Nikolayevich. And I'm Gedevan. Nice meeting you. Starring Stanislav LYUBSHIN as Mashkov Yevgeny LEONOV as Uef Yuri YAKOVLEV as Bi Levan GABRIADZE as Gedevan Do you remember what number did he say, the one who got my sock? No, I don't. Maybe we're on the planet from which he moved to ours? Look, violinist, whatever we may guess, we won't know a damn thing. We've chosen the direction, and we're walking. First thing we must get to the water. You get it? Vladimir Nikolayevich, I'd like to put my slippers on. Put them on! You have to stop then! What time is it? - Four o'clock. - At night? At night. Are you being late? It's so embarrassing. I called from the airport and said I'd come in an hour, and now... You study at the conservatory? No, it's not mine. It's Professor Rogozin's. He was giving us a sponsor concert, and then they forgot to put his violin in the plane. - It was a banquet? - No, a dinner. - You from Tbilisi? - From Batumi. I thought I'd give him the violin and catch the last electric train. I study in Ivanovo, at a textile school. I took entrance exams for the Institute of International Relations, but they said that I'm... Quiet. Koo! A human. Koo! - Koo. - Hello. Koo! Capitalist country. Koo! Koo! Koo! You know foreign languages? English. A little bit of French. Tell them we don't have any money. Tell them. They want us to pay. Gentlemen, sorry! We haven't money. Now! Koo. Hello. We're our tourists. We've lost our group. Give us a lift to town, then we'll manage somehow. Translate. Do you speak English? Koo? - Parlez vous Francais? - Koo? Hi. Do you speak English? Parlez vous Francais? Sprechen Sie Deutsch? Koo? Chatl. No money. Money, documents, currency, - our guide has got all. Well, this is the situation. We stepped aside for a second and got lost in the sands. Ku. Here. It's warm. Koo? - I beg your pardon? - Koo. You want the hat? You're welcome. This is not mine, I can't give it. There's nothing inside. Open it. It's not wine, it's vinegar. Koo! - Ku! - Sour, isn't it? Is it a deal, friend? Will you give us a lift? Violinist, hurry up. Only to the nearest town, then we'll manage ourselves. Koo! The sweater? ***! Good I didn't give them the violin. They got ashamed. Ketse! Ketse! Ketse! - Ketse what? - Ketse. Ketse. I think he wants a match. - Want a match? - Ketse! Here. Koo? - The whole box? - Koo! First take us out of here, then we'll give you koo. Not a single letter, not a single ''made in''. Koo! - Sorry, I don't understand. - Koo! Sprechen Sie Turkish? Ku! Koo. What do they want? They want koo. Tsak. Thank you. Tsak. He wants me to put on the bell. He'll do without. Tsak. Tsak. It's not nice. I'll put it on. Go ahead. Tsak! Tsak! Tsak! Tsak! All right, you've talked me in. Jingle! Jingle! Koo! Koo! - Koo. - Koo. Koo. Koo. Koo. Koo! Koo. Koo. I want a smoke, let me pass. - Ketse! Ketse! - Easy, easy! Ketse! Vladimir Nikolayevich, perhaps after all, we're on... Yeah, they're typical Martians. Ku! Oh, dear Lyusia, damn you, what did you need those macaroni for? Well... So we know Russian? Why were you hiding that? We're not hiding anything. It's hard to dig in a language when you think in two languages at once. And this patsak speaks languages he doesn't know how to continue. What are you staring at, maimuno verishvilo? - They know Georgian too. - What did he say? - Monkey, son of a donkey. - All right... We're from the Soviet Union, here on a cultural exchange program. Our people know where we are, they're looking for us. If you don't give us the opportunity to get in touch with our embassy, you'll be in big trouble. - You got it? - Tsak. Koo. We don't understand ''embassy''. Put on the tsak, quick. So you understand macaroni, you understand maimuno, and what the embassy is, you don't know, poor things. Don't you *** us, all right? You were thinking about macaroni, and I just said it. It's not Earth, and not Africa, my dear. This is the Planet Plyuk. 215 in the Tentura. Galaxy ''Kin-Dza-Dza'' in the Spiral, all right? There we go. Just great! Put on the bell, my dear. Put it on. There you go... Good boy. Koo! Excuse me, where have we landed? He got very keen ears. You know the tentura of your planet? The tentura? Well, tell me the number of your galaxy in the spiral. - In the spiral? - Yes. You know where Earth is? It's where planets spin, such as... Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter. What other planets? The Great Bear. Vladimir Nikolayevich, come here. Do you have more matches on your planet? We'll find some. How many will you give us if we lay you there? - How many do you need? - Two full boxes like this. - Seven. - Seven. And give me what you've got now. I'll buy a gravitsappa for them. Excuse me, what is gravitsappa? Gravitsappa is without what a pepelats can fly only like this, and with a gravitsappa it can fly to anywhere in the universe in 5 seconds. Guys, how do you roll the pepelats out of the garage without a gravitsappa? We had a gravitsappa, but after we flew in here, it was stolen. Don't you have the machine for moving over in space? - No. - No. Give me the matches. Give me the water. - Ku! - Ku! - Ku! - Ku! Like this! You should do like this! You should do it like this! Like this! It's yours. Smoke like this now. - Thanks. - Koo! Koo! He says he has a gravitsappa. Put the matches here. When you lay us on Earth, you'll get this and this. What? Let's go, violinist, into outer space. Wait! Give it back. - Give it back! - You'll get it on our Mother Earth. Vladimir Nikolayevich, you said if we got you there you'd give us everything. And you stole our match. A patsak never cheats on a patsak. It's not nice, my dear. I said, to town. - And what is this? - A barn. And what is this? And what is this? And what is this? Isn't it a town? Stop jerking. Show us your gravitsappa. If it's a quality product, we'll take it. Patsak! What idiots would take contraband goods in front of witnesses, when you can get for it a life etsikh with nails? What have you got in your head: brains or ku?! We'll buy it ourselves. Let's go. Halt! Halt, I said! Who are you? Who are you, I'm asking? - An alien foreman. - No! You're a patsak! - And who are you? - I'm a Georgian. No, you're a patsak, too! You're a patsak, you're a patsak, and he's a patsak. And I'm a chatlian, and they're chatlians. So put the tsak on and sit in the pepelats, all right? What? Look at me with the visor, dear. Which dot is responding? The green one. Now look at him. Green, too. Yours is green, too. Now look at Uef. What dot is it? Orange. Because he's a chatlian. Understand now? - What? - Plyuk is the chatlian planet. That's why we, patsaks, must wear tsaks. And before us, chatlians, one must do like this! Vladimir Nikolayevich, this is a flagrant racism. Show me once again. Like this! - Do me a favor, slower. - Like this! Vladimir Nikolayevich, you got a wife at home, a D-pupil son. You haven't paid up for your cooperative apartment. And you're bullshitting us here. You may end up bad, my dear. Here! All right, violinist, let's play their games. Good boy. Now give the match to Uef, and he'll buy the gravitsappa. - He said he wanted all of them. - I was kidding. You're jolly fellows. - Koo! - Wait. Koo! We'll go together. Don't show them your ketses and don't think about them. Show my ketse and don't give them more than a half match. The gravitsappa costs a half match. And your patsak said it cost a whole match. He was kidding too. The cement is of the 300 grade. Remember, patsak, a half or even less. All right. Excuse me, chatlians and patsaks, is it a nationality? No. - A biological factor? - No. - Persons from other planets? - No. And what's the difference between them? Are you a color-blind person? Can't you tell green color from orange? Some tourist! A skyscraper. Come on! Koo? Koo! Do as I told you. Hi, Miss. Aren't you cold in your coat? They won't let me in. They only let you go. Don't give them the ketse. Bring the gravitsappa here, I'll look at it. Go. Not you. - We're together. - No. Vladimir Nikolayevich, tell him! All right. Wait here. But don't go anywhere. Hi! How you doing? You want me to sit down? Well, as a courtesy to the ladies present. Well, what's new on Plyuk? Put down the ketse, you'll get the gravitsappa. A half. A half. - May I have a look? - Look. Well, I'm not an expert on those gravitsappas. Let's go and show it to my chatlian, he'll check it. We'll put the tsapa in. A sore throat? Water. I have a suggestion: I give you the rest of the ketse, you give me two bottles of water. All right. Got any food? Porridge. What kind? Plastic. All right, I give you this whole ketse, you give me five bottles of water and a kilo of porridge. - What's this? - Ketse. - Have to check it again. - Check it. Koo! Hey, just a second! Wait. Violinist, can you get matches on Earth? Yes, I can. If you spit farther, I'll give you a half chatl. Here. With this plyuk. If I spit farther, you'll give me two matches. - Understand? - No. A very simple game. I give you a half chatl, you give me three matches on Earth. Here! - Spit, son. - I don't want to. All right, you give me one match, and I give you 3 chatls, yellow pants and this big head start. - Come on. - No. - Blue pants. - No, I will do it on no conditions. Is it your rear word? Why are you snowjobbing me, then? Maimuna verishvila! Mister Uef, I'm a representative of a civilized planet. And I demand that you watch your vocabulary! Where are they? - Who? - The one with a scar. I, the idiot, gave him all the matches. Ku! Ku! Ku! Stop it, guys, enough. Enough! What's enough? I've told him a thousand times we have to fly to the center. But he's as greedy as all chatlians! Two chatls cheaper! Ku! We got one more. As far as I understand, it's enough for a gravitsappa. Give it here. - Why? - To buy a gravitsappa. Where? Over there, at the center. How can you carry us to Mother Earth if you even don't know in which galaxy it spins? Any planetarium at the center, idiot, will give us the number of your planet for two chatls. Give me the match, come on! And then you'll bury us in sand, right? - So you're not giving it? - No. Is that your rear word? It can't be any rearer. Then farewell, my dear. They'll fly away. They'll be back. They'll cut each other's throats for a match. Either you're giving us this match right now, or we won't lay you on Earth for less than 7 matchboxes. Two thousand. Three. Twenty three hundred. Three. Twenty five hundred, I can't give any more. You can, my dear. Mister Bi. I've got 50 rubles. The price of matches is 2 kopecks a box. Therefore, I can buy twenty five hundred. The violinist is cheating, he got more chatls. Mister Uef, I'm not a violinist to you. My name is Gedevan Alexandrovich. Is the engine there? Don't poke your nose into every hole, Gedevan Alexandrovich. Gedevan, let's tie these jerks up and head north. Why? Who knows, perhaps the Mediterranean is lapping over there. Are you off your rocker, my dear? How can Plyuk have any seas? They'd been made into luts long ago. Excuse me, into what? Into fuel, violinist, into fuel. - Here. You owe us 6,140 matchboxes. - Why so many? You gobbled the porridge, you drink the water. Plus the contraption. Cross the contraption out, we're not taking the contraption. Put it down. Let's take it. At least we'll bring back some technology. Otherwise they won't believe us. Then give him the violin, if you want it so much. The violin is Italian. 18th century. It costs 1 ,000 rubles, if not more. How am I going to pay for it? Koo? Koo. Violinist, instead of thinking all the time that you're the first Georgian cosmonaut and that you'll get a Nobel Prize, give back the spoon you stole from the destitute artists. I was thinking nothing of the sort. I wanted to give it to the Institute of Non-ferrous Metals as something new. O heavens! The heavens have never seen such an ignominious patsak as you, violinist. It grieves me deeply. - Where're you going? - To the toilet. You can't go to the toilet with money. Leave the money here, Gedevan Alexandrovich. - The ketse's very expensive, my dear. - Why? How do you figure it out on your Earth who before whom should sit down and how many times? Well, just by eye. Savages. Look, I sort of like you, so I'll teach you. If I have a few ketses, I have the right to wear yellow pants and a patsak must sit down before me not one, but two times. If I have many ketses, I have the right to wear crimson pants and then a patsak must sit down before me two times, and a chatlian must do koo, and an etsilopp has no right to beat me at night. Never! I have a suggestion, my dear. You give us the match now and we'll bring you yellow pants later, all right? Thanks, I've got them already. Perhaps the violinist needs them? Violinist, those aliens are pushing black market pants here! Yellow! You want some? The violinist is not here, my dear. - What do you mean? - I've ejected him. Don't worry, Vladimir Nikolayevich, we got another catapult, a new one. The old one was not good anyway. I beg your pardon? I pressed the kapa, and he flew away. We don't need the violinist, dear. He just eats up fuel. Turn it back. We can't. We're out of luts, we have to fly to a luts station. Turn it back! Or I'll burn this ketse to hell! Gedevan! Violinist! Violinist! - Where can he be? - I've told you. He was caught by the etsilopps. - Let's fly, dear. - Death would be too good for you! Radio the etsilopps. We don't have a radio. We threw it out. - I'll check it. - An etsilopp! Put on the tsak. Put on the tsak! He'll do without. Koo! Koo. Put it on. He'll trankluate both you and the match. Koo. Koo! Hello. Look, friend, we've lost our boy. - Haven't you seen him? - Koo. What? Koo! Sorry, I forgot. They say you picked him up. Koo. Didn't I tell we don't need the violinist? Didn't I?! What are we going to buy luts with now? With what?! What a *** you are, dear. He's even worse, he's just a ku! I have a suggestion. We'll find the violinist and fly to the local government. Bring some sand, dear. We'll tell them who we are and from where. They'll give us a gravitsappa. And we... will make a mutually profitable trade-in. You'll give us yellow pants, we'll give you as many ketses as you want. To fly to the government, you need to have a gravitsappa. The government lives on another planet, dear. Uncle Vova, I'm here! Here! - Violinist! - What? - Where's my... what's its name... - Tsak? Well? - I got it. - Then give it to me. - What do you need it here for? - Give it to me, I said. There's no one here. - This is mine. - Keep it ready. Are you sleeping? No. Cheer up. If there's a gravitsappa on this Plyuk, we'll get it. We used to get even more valuable things. Stay cool. Hey, stop! Koo! Give us a lift to the center! - Stop, patsak. - What? Don't come closer. - What do you want? - Take us to the center. Three chatls. No money. But we'll work for it. What can you do? - Me? I can do anything. - Exactly? Vladimir Nikolayevich is a builder, a foreman. We'll build you a house! And what can you do? Me? He can play the violin! Play. - Play. - I can't play. Bye, patsaks. Wait, Miss, I can play! Play. Here? Over there! Wait, I'll put on the sound. Play. And sing. Just a minute! How does it go... Mama, mama, what am I to do? Super! - What? - I say, super. People like it. - What? - People like it. No. - Let me play the drums. - Like what? Foreman. We don't need the violinist. He may come handy. Give us some water to drink. I said, after the performance. We could have just taken it. By force. Then you would've begged for it. If you touch me, an etsilopp will fly in and pull your legs out. - I *** your etsilopp. - Cool it, violinist. Don't irritate the lady. Foreman. I got you, got you. Got you. Look, do you know someone with a gravitsappa and a pepelats? Why? He could lay us on Earth. We'd give a crate of ketse to you and to him. I know you don't believe words. What am I thinking now? That your wife calls all the morgues. No, what am I thinking right this moment? - That you'll give. - So it's true. What idiot on Plyuk would think the truth? It's absurd. Yes, because you say what you don't think and think what you don't think, that's why you sit in cages, and that's why all this wretched cataclysm that I'm observing here, and Vladimir Nikolayevich, too. You were told that patsaks should perform in a cage, so it must be a cage. Why showing off? It's all right, dear, we can sing just next to it. Get in. He's nabbed us. He's trankluating. We're not beasts. What?! - Yes, you will get in! - Let go! Let go! Ku! Koo! Get in, or he'll melt us! All right, let's come in, violinist, as long as they're begging. Get in. One... two... three. Dance! Dance. Find yourself another pop group, jerk! What?! I'll be right back. We have to split. Boys, give a push to the cart, there's a rise here. That we're always ready to do. Step on it. Bye. Vermin. I'm going to tell everybody to what state that clown, Pezhe, has reduced the planet! Patsaks are bossing chatlians around! Ku! What? - Everything's in there? - She stole the perfume. A woman. Let me. - You got lead in there or what? - Let me carry it, Uncle Vova. I don't even know which way to look. Where's Earth? Galina Borisovna, as patsaks, comrade Mashkov and I could get two chatls for a performance, that's the maximum. Water, luts and fines to etsilopps, - that made up at least a chatl a day. And the gravitsappa costs a half ketse, which amounts to 2,200 chatls. We divide it by 365, subtract Saturdays and Sundays, and we get 6. So I just couldn't come back any sooner than in 6 years. That's all very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich, but it's just words. Where's the proof that you came from outer space, and notjust sold the violin, as Professor Rogozin claims, and operated all that time at a disco in Gagry? Here's the mineral. Here's the chatl. Here's the tsak. As for pebbles and sand, I enclosed them with my explanatory note and handed to Raya in the dean's office, for her to send it to UNESCO. - Where? - To UNESCO. You're a grownup man, Gedevan Alexandrovich. You finished one semester and then disappeared for years. Now you show up with a rock, with a fragment of the Caucasian ceramics and a fishing bell. And you're claiming that... Besides, if you can play music, why didn't you take part in our amateur talent shows? Excuse me, violinist, but this is an elementary koo! End of Part One �