Dennis Reynolds - An *** life

>> SWEET DEE: What were you even doing in that crawl space, Charlie? >> CHARLIE: Well, for starters, I was minding my own business. I was also tryine light reading, and then I was putting some cheese in the rat traps. >> You were putting the cheese in the rat traps? >> Yes. >> Can I smell your mouth? >> Why? >> You were eating the cheese, weren't you, outof the rat traps? >> No! Well, yes. I mean, I was eating the old cheese to test it, see why the rats weren't eating it. >> Why are you ah weird things, Charlie? >> I do weird things? Name another thing that you think is weird. >> Well, I caugha bunch of coins out of the fountain at Logan Circle. >> I was acquiring a little bit of cash to pay my spy, Dee. >> Why do you have a spy? >> To spy the waitress. Of course I have a spy. >> Is that normal to you? >> You know what? Shut up and give me my book back, please. >> No! >> DENNIS: Hey, guys, what book you keep going on and on about? >> It's nothing. You don't need to see it. >> My God! Whoa! These are my... these are my memoirs. Charlie, you found my book! I wrote a memoirs. Hey, guys, Charlie found my memoirs! >> FRANK: Your memoirs? >> Yeah. I've bek of all my sexualI was going to unle world in a fiery blaze of eroticism. >> MAC: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down a second, Dennis. You wrote a book? >> Well, it's more of a tale of redemption told through my *** travels. >> Giddyup, man! That's amazing. >> That's good stuff, right? Yeah. But then, one dat sort of went mysteriously missing. Charlie, what the hell were you doing with it? >> Well, since he can't read, I'm guessing he g to your pictures. >> ***! Jack. >> No, no! That'! You know, what are you doing to me? Why are you doing this? You've been riding me. Now you're accusing me of things. You just don't get it. You don't know why I do the things that I do. It's nuts! You don't know how hard I got it, Dee. >> You've got it pretty tough? Your life is pretty hard? >> I'll tell you what. How would you like to walk a mile in my shoes, huh? Try your old buddy Charlie on for size. >> You want me tn your shoes 'cause your big, tough life? I will. That sounds fine to me. I will do that. >> Oh, my God! Shut up! Dennis, what's the name of this book? >> Ah! Dennis Reynolds: An *** Life. Captioning sponsored by SUNNY TELEVISION PRODUCTIONS >> "I removed my robe and stood before her-- taut, nubile, proud. "She was much, much older than me, but her *** were awesome. "I felt reborn, baptized in *** majesty." >> Ooh! Yeah! >> This is some sweet ***! I'm all *** up over here. >> Me, too! Dennis, we should try and sell this book. Personal memoirs are huge right now. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No. I'm going to sell the book, okay, but I'm not going to let you guys be involved because, every time you're involved, you get all excited , and then you give up the minute we hit the first speed bump. >> You need us, Dennis. You're going to need some legal help. >> Legal help? What the hell yo, man? >> Bro, half the stories you just read us are. >> They're not ***. What are you saying? >> Dennis, you were never the personal *** adviser to Jon Bon Jovi! And you never wob facility with the wounds of Christ miraculoun your hands and feet! >> Yeah, man, but I did... I banged that girl in the fountain. That story was true-- the hot dog, the oatmeal, everything. >> Dude, you don't want to end up like that Million Little Piecesguy, all right? Oprah made him ll ***. >> Oh, that guy was a ***. I mean, come on. Just take some of those stories out. >> You see, Frank, you can't take those stories out. That's the rub! That's why he needs us. Because the public loves those crazy celebrity stories and rehab ***. >> Okay, well, so what are you thinking? >> I'm thinking we take some of the really good stories, you know-- the Jon Bon Jovi, the Christ wound stigmatas-- and we recreate them. We makethem true e can't prove that they didn't happen! >> My God! Recreate some of the better stories in here, and then we have proof! >> Yes! >> Holy ***, man! That's a good idea. >> Now, first things first. We got to figure out how to get you into rehab. >> Charlie, do I really have to sleep here? >> Dee, if you're going to walk a mile in my shoes, this is a pretty big part of that mile, don't you think? Here. Put these on. >> No. I don't want to wear one of your dirty sleeping outfits. >> I'm sorry, Dee, but my "outfits," as you like to call them, serve a very specific purpose, all right? This isn't just for fun. I don't have any heating ducts in this apartment. It gets freezing in here at night, all right? Now, in case you have to pee-pee, I got tl right? >> Oh, my God! >> *** it! Frank was supposed to empty that. >> Totally, no wonder! It reeks in here! You have open cans of pee everywhere! >> Well, I'm sorry, but you do notwant to use that bathroom! Okay, now, eat ol right? You're going to want to huff a little glue and . >> This is cat food, Charlie. >> Well, Dee, I can explain it, all right? There's some sort of weird chemical reaction that happens when you combine cat food, beer and glue. It makes you feel, like, extremely sick and tired. You're able to fall asleep. >> Why would I want to make myself extremely? >> 'Cause there's going to be about 50 cats howling outside that window all night long, and you have no idea how loud 50 cats can be. >> Okay, maybe te cats surrounding your building if you didn't have open cans of cat food everywhere. >> I have 50 cats howling outside my windoe 10,000 rats running around my building, Dee, okay?! >> Stop yelling. You're spitting cat food on me. >> I'm not an idiot! There's a reason to do the things that I... oh! (stomach gurgling) I don't feel good. (cat meows) It's starting right on time. If I were you, Ig that *** down. (stomach gurglin) I got to go to sleep. Oh, I'm not feeling good at all. (chewing noisily) (cats meowing loudly) (stomach gurgling loudly) (cats meowing noisily) (cats screeching) (cats' screeching continuing) (screeching grow) (loud music playing) (unclear talking and yelling) >> "I was blind, but now I'm seeing..." (garbled voices yelling) >> Come play witd forever... (gasping) >> Oh! (pee splashing) >> Occupado. (eating noisily) (retching) >> Wake up! Let's go! Time to start the day! Time to get up! >> Charlie! Oh, God! Oh, God! There's evil twins in the... in the hallway, and a twitching junkie in... >> What? How much of that glue did you huff? >> I don't know. As much as you did. >> As much as me? Really? Well, that's probably way too much glue for you, Dee. Hey, check it out. You just had yourself a glue O.D., and those are pretty regular in my life, so you learned another o too much glue or your night sucks. >> Hold on a second. You're saying that your life is so terrible because you eat rat cheese and cat food and huff glue all day long? >> Uh... yeah. >> Those aren't real problems, Charlie. >> What do you mt real problems? >> You make those problems up. You choose to do that stuff. >> Those are solutionsto problems. >> Oh, my God! You know what? Hold on a second. We're going to turn the tables here. You're going to walk a mile in myshoes now, and you're going to see what it's like to live in the real world and have actual problems. >> Okay. You got some glue on your face, Dee. You might want to wash it off. >> Damn it. >> Okay, plan is simple. You're gonna hang out at the rehab facility for a couple a days while we get the ball rolling with Bon Jovi. >> Uh, yeah, I gotta say I'm a little skeptical about you guys being able to get in touch with Jon Bon Jovi. >> What? What do you mean? He's from New Jersey. Piece of cake. >> Have a little faith in us, please, Dennis. Plus, it's easy. We just get you h him, snap a coupe got proof, bing-e done. Now let's talks stigmatas. >> Ooh, right. Do we have to do the stigmatas? >> Dennis, you know that this publisher is gonna have a fact checker, right? >> Yeah. >> You don't wane the Million Little Piecesguy, do you? >> I brought a nail gun. >> Is that what that is? Look, you're not gonna shoot nails in me. >> No, I think a couple of severe burns from the cigar is what's gonna do the trick. >> What?! >> No, no, no, you need deep wounds. This'll give you deep wounds. >> Hold on a second, no! >> I can get these pretty deep, Frank. >> Nobody's gonna burn me! >> Dennis, calm ! You focus on your art, okay? Frank and I will handle the business end of things. >> If you guys ro the stigmata thing... >> Okay, good work, Frank. Now I think we should just probably leave the body right here, right? And then in the l come out and find him. >> All right, gi. >> Yep. >> So I don't go. I just go to bars. If you walk up to the nearest drunk guy and bup him from behind, he always turns around and goes, "Hey, r problem?" >> Dee, this guy is great! Do you come here every night? Every night, huh. Hey, do the have food, too? 'Cause I could g. >> No, no, no food. I don't eat when I'm here. >> Well, when do you eat? >> I don't. >> Why don't you eat dinner, Dee? You got to eat dinner sometime. >> Because when you perform, your nerves make you dry heave, and you'd better hope that you don't have any food in your stomach. >> You gonna perform? >> All right. Noy you all know because she's here almost every night. Let's hope she's got some new jokes this time. Everybody, put your hands together for Deandra Reynolds! (two people clapping) >> Howdy, howdy, howdy. How's everybody doing tonight? So, you guys, what's the deal with those hands-free headsets that everybody's wearing in their ears, right? (heaves) It's, like, "Hey, everybody, look at me. I'm one part robot, three parts ***." (heaves) >> Jesus Christ! >> I mean, am I right... (heaves) That's good. >> Wow. Well, at least it was short and dry this time. >> Dee, what are you doing to yourself? That is terrible! Why would you do that? >> You just gotta put in your dues, Charlie, you know? You gotta take it one step at a time when you want to be an actor. Just climb to the top. >> What? This is about being an actor? Why in God's name are you still trying to be an actor? >> Okay, we all have our hopes and dreams, Charlie. You're still trying to get with the waitress, I'm still trying to act. We just do whatever we need to do. (mocks laugh) Is it funny? You'd better get ready, guy, 'cause you're next. >> Put your handa newcomer here tonight, Mr. Charlie Kelly! >> So, you guys, you ever eat cheese? Cheese is funny thing. Cheese is a strange thing. I always wonder, like, "What is cheese? Where does it come...? (retches) >> We gotta figure out how to get you into rehab. Let's talk stigmatas. >> Deep wounds. Get you in rehab... (echoing) >> SINBAD: Yo, punk, wake up, punk. Yo, punk, wake up! >> What the hell? >> Yeah, you in ! Know what? My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's house! When you in Sinby ***! (sniffs) Yeah, you know who that is, huh? That's Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20. Sing a song. Shut up! >> Matchbox 20, ooh. >> Oh, you the man, huh? You gonna punk him like that? >> No-no-no! >> Stay back, man. No, matter of fact, unleash the fury. Get his shoe! >> What? >> Beat his testicles! >> No, no, no, don't, don't! Come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad, look, man, I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here, and I'm in a lot of pain. I just don't know what's going on. >> Oh, it's the pain, huh? My bad, I didn't know you was hurting like that. My bad. 'Cause I've hurt before, you've hurt before, we all hurt. So I'm just gonn. I introduce myself right. That was wrong. I'm Sinbad. That. I'll autograph it for you a little later on. And this is Sinbad's house, and you my ***! And I'm gonna show you... (door opens) >> Everything okay in here? >> Hey, what's up, Jerome? What you doing? He keep throwing his shoe. He crazy. >> Okay, well, let's go. Everybody should be in bed with the lights off. >> We trying to go to sleep. He keep throwing shoes at us. Man, you about to get me jacked up, man. Is that what you're trying to do? Shut up! Man, I'll poke your eye out! See this? This oe Rob Thomas. I own both of y'all. >> ROB: Watch your ***, new- meat! >> All rightie, then. See you soon. Bye-bye. (cackling) >> Hey, dude. >> I just made a date with that girly rock star's people. >> Bon Jovi?! >> Yeah, he owns the Philadelphia Soul, the arena football team. I just offered to buy it. >> Awesome! All right, now I'm gonna pretend that I have terminal cancer and get him to do an acoustic set on my deathbed. >> Wait, wait, why would you do that? You don't have to do that. >> No, it's great bro. Rock stars do the cancer-kid thing all the time. Look, Frank, you got us into a room with Jovi's people, right? I'm gonna get us into a room with Jovi himself. >> I'm sorry. That's a stupid idea and I don't want you to do it. >> Well, I already got a bald-cap guy and everything. >> You're just confusing everything. >> There's nothing confusing about it, Frank. It's very... >> Shut up! Shut your big mouth right now! I will put my foot down right now. You are not going in there with that cancer thing, I don't care what you say! So get it out of your head! >> Okay. Jesus, dude, won't do the cancer thing. Relax. >> So, Mr. Reynolds, you're interested in buying our arena football team? >> Big time! But I want to do business with Mr. Von Joni himself. >> Bon Jovi. >> Yeah, Mr. Bovine Joni himself. I'm offering $40e team. >> Wow. Well, that is a very generous offer, but, uh, I must admit I'm a little bit confused about one thing. >> What's confusing about $40 million? That's a shitload of money. >> It is, it is. I'm a little confused as to why you've chosen to involve this gentleman here. >> Well, if I may, I'd like to explain to you why I'm here. Ma'am, I am dying of very terminal cancer, and I would like to request a private bedside concert from Mr. Bon Jovi. >> Ah... >> Now, Sambora's presence is not necessary, but it would be nice if he was involved. Question: is this a laser pointer? >> Yes. >> Can I have it? >> No. >> I'm gonna take it anyway. >> Oh! Please don't listen to anything he says. >> No, no. No, Frank... >> I'll give your the team. >> No, Frank, Frank? Thank you. I got it. We're talking about cancer. Nobody cares about arena football anymore. >> We're negotiating. >> You're not negotiating ***. We're onto the c, and that is the way it's gonna go from here. >> Okay, I'm just gonna throw this out there. I don't think you have cancer. >> What? What are you talking about? No, that's chemo, that's chemotherapy right there. >> For the record, when you go through chemo, your beard hair falls out, too. >> Are you sure? >> I told you... >> I asked a lot of people. I asked my bald-cap guy. >> ...not to do the cancer thing. >> But it was working until you got in with the *** numbers. *** it. You know, I'm not even really bald? I have a full head of hair. Not like him. >> Not only do I consider it magnificent, I have a sneaking suspicion it's pretty good. >> (chuckling) His eyes. >> Shine it on his ***. Shine it on his ***. (giggling) (country tune ringtone plays) Oh, that's me, that's my phone. Hey, dude, where you been? >> I'm in rehab, dude. >> Oh, yeah. Hey, that whole Jovi thing went south, so I think we're just gonna scrap the whole book ordeal. >> What are you talking about? >> I got another call, buddy. >> No-no, no, don't...! >> Hello. >> Yo, Bill, what's happening? >> Who you looking for? >> Bill. Who's this? >> This is Mac. You got the wrong number. >> Oh, my bad. >> Yeah, no, it's no problem. What number were you trying to call? >> Shh! ('70s music ringtone plays) >> Hello. >> Frank, you got to get me out of here, man. >> Where are you? >> I'm in rehab, goddammit! >> Well, I'm in a movie, and this broad's abo, so I got to go. >> Yeah, no, that's okay. Yeah, I thought it was some chick. >> Who are you talking to? >> I'm talking to Bill. And anyway, so... >> No, no, no, Im Terry. >> Oh, I'm sorry, no, it's Terry. Sorry about that, Terry. Anyway, this cat people... >> Terry? >> ...hated me 'cause I kept calling them over and over... >> What number did he want? >> Will you please shut up?! >> What's that? >> Yeah, I got some *** in a movie theater giving me ***. >> Why are you turned around like that? >> Nice talking to you. >> Yeah, call me back. >> I'll talk to you afterwards. Bye. Give me the laser pointer. Just give me the laser pointer. >> What a jerk. >> I know, but watch this. I'm gonna do it right in the back of his head. (chuckling) Bro... you wore the battery down. >> Oh. >> Well, how am I supposed to use it now? 'Cause you... jerk. >> I'm a jerk? >> Yeah, you're a jerk. >> You're walking around with that bald cap onm a jerk. >> It was expensive. I'm sorry, I want to get my money's worth. >> Oh, and you're talking... >> Will you please be quiet?! Who talks like this in the middle of a movie theater? >> Hey... hey, you don't know how hard I got it, pal. You don't know how tough it is being me. >> What? It's not that tough to be you, Frank. What is so difficult about your life? >> Try walking a mile in my shoes once in a while and then talk to me. >> "Our eyes locked, our hands touched, and shey ear, 'Dude, your balls totally rule.'" (door opens) >> What the hell you think you doing, man?! I heard about this ***! This gonna stop! Take his book, Rob. >> Whoa, wait, man, what... >> Ahhh! >> Come on, man, I was just in the middle of soc stuff. >> Yeah, I heard about that ***. You trying to write "memoirs," *** ***. You know what? You don't write it, ***, I write it! >> What is your ? >> Think you Jesus? You think you Jesus? Ain't no Jesus here... except me, I'm Jesus. >> What the hell, man?! You stole my thing. >> No, no, it's my thing, it's bigger. Rule of the land: bigger. It's my thing now. Took it. Bam. Mine. >> Fine, but what is Rob Thomas have to do with any of this? >> You know, Rob, know what he got to do with it? He do whatever I tell him to do 'cause he's my ***, ***! Let's get up out of here, man. Get that, we're gonna read some ***. >> Oh, come on, man... >> Shut up! Give it to him. No, I'm playing! (laughing) (door closes) >> I got to get out of here. >> This is my day, and this is where I come at the end of the day before I head off to Paddy's. >> Why do you come to the fountain? The fountain's my thing, Dee. >> Well, I'll tell you why I come to the fountain, Charlie. I come here every single day to throw money into this thing to wish for a better life, money that you apparenr spies. Okay, so essentially, Charlie, you're stealing my dreams. And if you don'ta get those dreams back now. >> No, those are my spy coins. And that's my money anyway. >> How is that your money? >> Itchy, I meanI got to go through to get laid. >> Frank, shut up. You're just pissed off 'cause I pull it off better than you. >> You don't pull it off better than anything. You'd better not lose your hair 'cause you're an ugly bald man. >> Not as ugly as you, ***. What are we doing here? >> This is the time of day when I come to the fountain. >> Why? >> When I was a kid, I used to swim in this fountain. A bunch of bullies kicked me out, so I wait until this time of day and come n the fountain. I've been *** in the fountain for 50 years. >> Well, why are you still *** in it? >> To get back at their kids. >> Greedy! Greedy! >> You can't hav. >> Is that Dee and Charlie? Hey, guys, what are you doing? >> What the hell...? >> These are my dreams! They mean something to me! >> It's anyone's coin... >> Whoa, whoa, whoa. >> It's anybody's coin! >> Deandra! Deandra! What are you doing? >> I'm taking my dreams back! What are you guys doing? >> Frank's gonna *** in the fountain. >> I do it every day. >> Hey, I like your haircut, man, that's a good look. >> It looks good, right? You can't tell. Charlie, it's a bald cap. It's not even real. >> Oh, my God! >> You can't tell, huh? >> That's awesome. >> Oh, you can tell. >> Time out, did you say you were gonna *** ? >> Is that Dennis? >> You're in it. >> Hey, Dennis. What's up, buddy? Come here. What you doing? >> Oh, I use this fountain for it's healing power. Plus, it does wonders for my skin. But that's not important right now. You're not gonna believe this. Sinbad was trying to kill me. >> What? >> Yeah, Sinbad, you know the comedian? He was in the rehab center. He was trying to kill me. And then Rob Thomas, the lead singer of Matchbn there, too. Is any of that making sense? >> No. >> Time out, tim. Did you or did you not meet Sinbad? >> Yeah, I met Sinbad, but... >> Can you prove that stuff? >> Oh, yeah, this just happened just moments ago. >> Boom! Memoirs back on. Rob Thomas is a ***, but the public eats that *** up. >> The memoirs thing is done. >> We got to go back to that rehab. >> No, no, no, no, no, we can't go back! No, that's too dangerous. >> No, Dennis, we have to prove it. We got to take photos, we have to sign documents. >> Dude, I'm a huge Sinbad fan. I have all his tapes. >> Sinbad is not the man that you think he is, Charlie. >> We'll take care of you. We'll watch your back. >> Oh, I can't w! I hope he's wearing something made out of windbreaker. >> Okay, guys, this is it. >> What the hell is this? >> This is the rehab center. >> That's not the rehab center. That's the rehab center. >> Well, this is where they brought me after you guys dropped me off. Everybody, stay close to me, okay? You have to protect me. Because, like most comedians, Sinbad is very angry on the inside. Come on, come on. >> Do you think he'll, like, autograph my shirt? >> He will autograph your face until it is bloodied to a pulp. Now come on. >> So, like, like, what is this place, dude? >> Hey! Oh, hell no. We told you not to come back here, freak. >> Where's Sinbad? >> Bro, you call me Sinbad one more time, I'm gonna knock you out. >> What the hell is going on here? >> This dude broke in here and he's been running around, ranting and ravis and Sinbad. >> So you lied to us, Dennis? >> No, I didn't lie. No, I swear to Gl real. Sinbad was here, I swear. >> That's it, I'm calling the cops. >> Wait, you thought that dude was Sinbad. >> Maybe that blow to the head did a little more thought. >> That's not Sinbad, dude. >> I know that's not Sinbad. >> Is this some sort of sick fantasy? >> No, it's not a fantasy, I didn't make it up. Sinbad was here, I swear. >> Guess what, gs dead. Again. >> I can't believe you didn't meet Sinbad. Do you realize hs to meet Sinbad? Sinbad's a hilarious comedian. >> *** it, son of a ***. >> That guy is, like, some dude in green pants. >> I don't even see how this could be happening. It all seemed so real. I need to see a doctor. >> Psst! No, you don't... ***! Yo, and you're in hell, all right. >> Ow! >> Hell naw! >> Yeah, I shoule a doctor. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org (trio chanting backwards)