Avenue Q by Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx - Dialogue and Script

1. The Avenue Q Theme COMPANY The sun is shining, It's a lovely day, a perfect morning for a kid to play, but you've got lots of bills to pay -- what can you do? You work real hard and the pay's real low and ev'ry hour goes oh, so slow and at the end of the day there's nowhere to go but home to Avenue Q! You live on Avenue Q! Your friends do too. You are twenty-two and you live on Avenue Q! You live on Avenue Q You live on Avenue Q! 2. What Do You Do With a B.A. in English? / It Sucks to Be Me PRINCETON What do you do with a B.A. in English? What is my life going to be? Four years of college and plenty of knowledge have earned me this useless degree. I can't pay the bills yet, 'cause I have no skills yet. The world is a big scary place... But somehow I can't shake the feeling I might make a difference to the human race! (spoken) KATE MONSTER Morning, Brian! BRIAN Hi, Kate Monster. KATE MONSTER How's life? BRIAN Disappointing! KATE MONSTER What's the matter? BRIAN The catering company laid me off. KATE MONSTER Oh, I'm sorry! BRIAN Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm ten years out of college, and I always thought -- KATE MONSTER What? BRIAN No, it sounds stupid. KATE MONSTER Aww, come on! (sung) BRIAN When I was little I thought I would be... KATE MONSTER What? BRIAN A big comedian on late night t.v. But now I'm thirty-two and as you can see I'm not. KATE MONSTER Nope! BRIAN Oh well, it sucks to be me. KATE MONSTER Nooooo. BRIAN It sucks to be me. KATE MONSTER No! BRIAN It sucks to be broke and unemployed and turning thirty-three. It sucks to be me. KATE MONSTER Oh, you think your life sucks? BRIAN I think so. KATE MONSTER Your problems aren't so bad! I'm kinda pretty, and pretty damn smart. BRIAN You are. KATE MONSTER Thanks! I like romantic things like music and art. And as you know I have a gigantic heart. So why, don't I have a boyfriend? ***! It sucks to be me! BRIAN Me too. KATE MONSTER It sucks to be me. BRIAN It sucks to be me. It sucks to be Brian... KATE MONSTER And Kate... BRIAN To not have a job! KATE MONSTER To not have a date! BOTH It sucks to be me. (spoken) BRIAN Hey, Rod, Nicky, can you settle something for us? Do you have a second? ROD Ah, certainly. KATE MONSTER Whose life sucks more? Brian's or mine? (sung) NICKY AND ROD Ours! ROD We live together. NICKY We're as close as people can get. ROD We've been the best of buddies... NICKY Ever since the day we met. ROD So he knows lots of ways to make me really upset. Oh, every day is an aggravation. NICKY Come on, that's an exaggeration! ROD You leave your clothes out. You put your feet on my chair. NICKY Oh yeah? You do such *** things like ironing your underwear. ROD You make that very small apartment we share a hell. NICKY So do you. That's why I'm in hell too! ROD It sucks to be me! NICKY No, it sucks to be me! KATE MONSTER It sucks to be me! BRIAN It sucks to be me! ALL Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be? It sucks to be me! CHRISTMAS EVE Why you all so happy? NICKY Because our lives suck! CHRISTMAS EVE Your lives suck? I hearing you correctly? Ha! I coming to this country for opportunities. Tried to work in Korean deli, but I am Japanese. But with hard work I earn two Master's Degrees in social work! And now I a therapist! But I have no clients! (smacking Brian) And I have an unemployed fiance! And we have lots of bills to pay! It suck to be me! It suck to be me! I say it Sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka- sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka- sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka- suck! It suck to be me. (spoken) PRINCETON Excuse me? BRIAN Hey there. PRINCETON Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for a place to live. CHRISTMAS EVE Why you looking all the way out here? PRINCETON Well, I started at Avenue A, but so far everything is out of my price range. But this neighborhood looks a lot cheaper! Oh, and look -- a "For Rent" sign! BRIAN You need to talk to the superintendent. Let me get him. PRINCETON Great, thanks! BRIAN Yo, GARY! GARY COLEMAN I'm comin'! I'm comin'! PRINCETON Oh my God! It's Gary Coleman! GARY COLEMAN Yes I am! (sung) I'm Gary Coleman from TV's Diff'rent Strokes I made a lotta money that got stolen by my folks! Now I'm broke and I'm the butt of everyone's jokes, but I'm here -- the superintendent! On Avenue Q -- ALL It sucks to be you. KATE MONSTER You win! ALL It sucks to be you. BRIAN I feel better now! GARY COLEMAN Try having people stopping you to ask you What you talkin' 'bout, Willis? It gets old. ALL It sucks to be you. On Avenue Q. (sucks to be me) On Avenue Q. (sucks to be you) On Avenue Q. (sucks to be us) But not when we're together. We're together here on Avenue Q! We live on Avenue Q! Our friends do too! 'Til our dreams come true, we live on Avenue Q! PRINCETON This is real life! ALL We live on Avenue Q! NICKY You're gonna love it. ALL We live on Avenue Q! GARY COLEMAN Here's your keys! ALL Welcome to Avenue Q! 3. If You Were Gay (spoken) ROD Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, "Broadway Musicals of the 1940s." No roommate to bother me. How could it get any better than this? NICKY Oh, hi Rod! ROD Hi Nicky. NICKY Hey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning. This guy was smiling at me and talking to me -- ROD That's very interesting. NICKY He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought I was gay! ROD Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today? NICKY Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod... ROD I'm NOT getting defensive! What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read. NICKY Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about. ROD I don't want to talk about it, Nicky! This conversation is over!!! NICKY Yeah, but... ROD Over!!! NICKY Well, okay, but just so you know -- (sung) If you were gay that'd be okay. I mean 'cause, hey, I'd like you anyway. Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay (but I'm not gay). ROD Nicky, please! I am trying to read... What?! NICKY If you were *** I'd still be here, year after year because you're dear to me. And I know that you would accept me too, if I told you today "Hey! Guess what, I'm gay!" (But I'm not gay) I'm happy just being with you. So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys? ROD Nicky, that's GROSS! NICKY No, it's not! If you were gay I'd shout hooray! And here I'd stay, But I wouldn't get in your way. You can count on me to always be beside you every day, to tell you it's okay, you were just born that way, and, as they say, it's in your DNA, you're gay! ROD But I'm not gay! NICKY If you WERE gay. ROD Argh! 4. Purpose PRINCETON Purpose, it's that little flame that lights a fire under your ***. Purpose, it keeps you going strong like a car with a full tank of gas. Everyone else has a purpose so what's mine? Oh look! Here's a penny! It's from the year I was born! It's a sign! Ba-ba-ba-ba Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo I don't know how I know, but I'm gonna find my purpose. Gotta find out, don't wanna wait! Got to make sure that my life will be great! Gotta find my purpose before it's too late. I'm gonna find my purpose could be far, could be near could take a week, a month, a year At a job, or smoking grass maybe at a pottery class! Could it be? Yes it could! Something's coming, something good! I'm gonna find my purpose I'm gonna find my purpose I'm gonna find it! What will it be? Where will it be? My purpose in life is a mystery Gotta find my purpose Gotta find me. 5. Everyone's a Little Bit Rascist PRINCETON Say, Kate, can I ask you a question? KATE MONSTER Sure! PRINCETON Well, you know Trekkie Monster upstairs? KATE MONSTER Uh huh! PRINCETON Well, he's Trekkie Monster, and you're Kate Monster. KATE MONSTER Right. PRINCETON You're both Monsters. KATE MONSTER Yeah. PRINCETON Are you two related? KATE MONSTER What! Princeton I'm surprised at you! I find that racist! PRINCETON Oh, well, I'm sorry! I was just asking. KATE MONSTER Well, it's a touchy subject. Now, now all Monsters are related. What are you trying to say, huh? -- That we all look the same to you? Huh, huh, huh? PRINCETON No, no, no, not at all. I'm sorry, I guess that was a little racist. KATE MONSTER I should say so. You should be much more careful when you're talking about the sensitive subject of race. PRINCETON Well, look who's talking! KATE MONSTER What do you mean? PRINCETON What about that special Monster School you told me about? KATE MONSTER What about it? PRINCETON Could someone like me go there? KATE MONSTER No, we don't want people like you -- PRINCETON You see?! (sung) You're a little bit racist. KATE MONSTER Well, you're a little bit, too. PRINCETON I guess we're both a little bit racist. KATE MONSTER Admitting it is not an easy thing to do... PRINCETON But I guess it's true KATE MONSTER Between me and you, I think BOTH Everyone's a little bit racist, sometimes. Doesn't mean we go around committing hate crimes. Look around and you will find, no one's really color-blind. Maybe it's a fact we all should face. Everyone makes judgments... based on race. (spoken) PRINCETON Not big judgments, like who to hire or who to buy a newspaper from -- KATE MONSTER No! PRINCETON No, just little judgments like thinking that Mexican busboys should learn to speak *** English! KATE MONSTER Right! (sung) BOTH Everyone's a little bit racist -- today, so, everyone's a little big racist -- okay! Ethnic jokes might be uncouth, but you laugh because they're based on truth. Don't take them as personal attacks. Everyone enjoys them -- so relax! (spoken) PRINCETON All right, stop me if you've heard this one. There's a plane going down and there's only one parachute. And there's a rabbi, a priest... KATE MONSTER ... and a BLACK guy! GARY COLEMAN Whatchoo talkin' about Kate? KATE MONSTER Uh -- GARY COLEMAN You were telling a BLACK joke! PRINCETON Well, sure, Gary, but lost of people tell black jokes... GARY COLEMAN I don't. PRINCETON Well, of course you don't -- you're black! But I bet you tell *** jokes, right? GARY COLEMAN Well, sure I do. Those stupid Polacks! PRINCETON Don't you think that's a little racist? GARY COLEMAN Well, damn, I guess you're right. (sung) KATE MONSTER You're a little bit racist. GARY COLEMAN Well, you're a little bit, too. PRINCETON We're all a little bit racist. GARY COLEMAN I think that I would have to agree with you. PRINCETON & KATE MONSTER We're glad you do. GARY COLEMAN It's sad, but true! Everyone's a little bit racist -- all right! Bigotry has never been exclusively white -- ALL If we all could just admit that we are racist a little bit, even though we all know that it's wrong, maybe it would help us get along! (spoken) PRINCETON Christ, do I feel good! GARY COLEMAN Now there was a fine upstanding black man! PRINCETON Who? GARY COLEMAN Jesus Christ! KATE MONSTER But Gary, Jesus was white! GARY COLEMAN No, Jesus was black. KATE MONSTER No, Jesus was white! GARY COLEMAN No, I'm pretty sure Jesus was black! PRINCETON Guys -- Jesus was Jewish! BRIAN Hey guys, what are you laughing about? GARY COLEMAN Racism! BRIAN Cool. CHRISTMAS EVE Brian! You come back here! You take out lecycuraburs! PRINCETON What's that mean? BRIAN Um. Recyclables. (Everyone laughs) Hey, don't laugh at her! How many languages do you speak? KATE MONSTER Oh, come off it, Brian! (sung) Everyone's a little bit racist. BRIAN I'm not! PRINCETON Oh, no? BRIAN Nope! How many oriental wives have you got? CHRISTMAS EVE What? Brian! PRINCETON Brian, buddy, where you been? The term is Asian-American! CHRISTMAS EVE I know you are no intending to be, but calling me oriental -- offensive to me! (spoken) BRIAN I'm sorry honey, I love you. CHRISTMAS EVE And I love you. BRIAN But you're racist, too. CHRISTMAS EVE Yes, I know. (sung) The Jews have all the money and the whites have all the power and I'm always in taxi-cab with driver who no shower! PRINCETON Me too! KATE MONSTER Me too! GARY COLEMAN I can't even get a taxi! ALL Everyone's a little bit racist, it's true. But everyone is just about as racist as you! If we all could just admit that we are racist a little bit, and everyone stopped being so P.C., maybe we could live in -- harmony! CHRISTMAS EVE Ev'lyone's a ritter bit lacist! 6. The Internet is For *** KATE MONSTER (spoken) Finally! I get to teach a whole lesson all by myself! And I'm gonna teach something relevant, something modern -- the internet! (sung) The internet is really really great. TREKKIE MONSTER For ***! KATE MONSTER I got a fast connection so I didn't have to wait. TREKKIE MONSTER For ***! KATE MONSTER There's always some new site. TREKKIE MONSTER For ***! KATE MONSTER I browse all day and night. TREKKIE MONSTER For ***! KATE MONSTER It's like I'm surfing at the speed of light. TREKKIE MONSTER For ***! KATE MONSTER (spoken) Trekkie! TREKKIE MONSTER (sung) The internet is for ***! The internet is for ***! Why do you think the net was born? ***! ***! ***! KATE MONSTER (spoken) Trekkie! What are you doing? TREKKIE MONSTER Hello, Kate Monster. KATE MONSTER You are ruining my song. TREKKIE MONSTER Oh, me sorry. Me no mean to. KATE MONSTER Well, if you wouldn't mind, please, being quiet for a minute so I can finish? TREKKIE MONSTER Okey-dokey. KATE MONSTER Good. (sung) I'm glad we have this new technology. TREKKIE MONSTER For ***. (oop!) KATE MONSTER Which gives us untold opportunity. TREKKIE MONSTER For ***. (ooops, sorry!) KATE MONSTER Right from your own desktop... TREKKIE MONSTER For p----. KATE MONSTER You can research, browse and shop... Until you've had enough and you're ready to stop! TREKKIE MONSTER For ***! KATE MONSTER Trekkie! TREKKIE MONSTER The internet is for ***! The internet is for ***! The internet is for ***! Me up all night honking me horn to ***, ***, ***! KATE MONSTER (spoken) That's gross! You're a pervert! TREKKIE MONSTER Ahh, sticks and stones, Kate Monster. KATE MONSTER No, really, you're a pervert! Normal people don't sit at home and look at *** on the internet! TREKKIE MONSTER Ohhhhh? KATE MONSTER What? TREKKIE MONSTER You have no idea. Ready, normal people? BRIAN Ready! GARY COLEMAN Ready! ROD Ready! TREKKIE MONSTER Lemme hear it! (sung) GUYS The internet is for ***. PRINCETON Sorry, Kate! GUYS The internet is for ***. PRINCETON I ***! TREKKIE MONSTER All these guys unzip their flies for... GUYS ***! ***! ***! (spoken) KATE MONSTER The internet is not for ***! Hold on a second! TREKKIE MONSTER Wha? KATE MONSTER Now, I happen to know for a fact that you, Rod, check your portfolio and trade stocks online. ROD That's correct. KATE MONSTER And Brian, you buy things on Amazon.com! BRIAN Sure. KATE MONSTER And Gary, you keep selling your possessions on eBay! GARY COLEMAN Yes, I do! KATE MONSTER And Princeton, you sent me that sweet online birthday card. PRINCETON True. TREKKIE MONSTER But Kate... what you think he do after, hmmm? PRINCETON Yeah. KATE MONSTER Ewww! (sung) GUYS The internet is for ***. The internet is for ***. Grab your *** and double click for ***! ***! ***! Poooorn! Poooorn! The internet is for, internet is for, internet is for ***! KATE (spoken simultaneously) Gross! I hate ***! I hate men! I'm leaving! I hate the internet! 7. Mix Tape KATE MONSTER Princeton... He likes me. I think he likes me But does he "like me" like me like I like him? Will we be friends, or something more? I think he's interested, but I'm not sure. (spoken) Come in! PRINCETON Hiya Kate! KATE MONSTER Princeton! Hi! PRINCETON Hi! Listen, I was going through my CDs yesterday, and I kept coming across songs I thought you'd like so I made you this tape. KATE MONSTER Oh, that's so sweet! Can I get you a drink? Or a snack? PRINCETON Actually, do you mind if I use your bathroom? KATE MONSTER Go right ahead. PRINCETON Thank you! KATE MONSTER (sung) A mix tape. He made me a mix tape. He was thinking of me, which shows he cares! Sometimes when someone has a crush on you they'll make you a mix tape to give you a clue. Let's see... You've Got a Friend The Theme from 'Friends' That's What Friends Are For ***. Oh, but look! A Whole New World Kiss the Girl My Cherie Amour Oh, Princeton! He does like me! I Am the Walrus Fat-Bottomed Girls Yellow Submarine What does this mean?! PRINCETON (spoken) Hey Kate, you might wanna not go in there for awhile. KATE MONSTER Princeton, thank you for this tape, I was just looking at side A. Great songs! PRINCETON Oh, well, did you get to side B yet? KATE MONSTER Not yet. PRINCETON Oh, it's great. Check it out. Right here... (sung) KATE MONSTER Stuck on You PRINCETON Love Me Do KATE MONSTER My Heart Will Go On I loved Titanic! PRINCETON Uhh, it was all right. She's Got a Way KATE MONSTER Yesterday PRINCETON Goodnight Saigon From the Russia concert! KATE MONSTER Great. Through the Years PRINCETON The Theme from 'Cheers' KATE MONSTER Moving Right Along Nice tape. PRINCETON There's one more... I Have to Say I Love You in a Song KATE MONSTER (spoken) Princeton, that's so sweet! I've never gotten such a nice present from a guy. PRINCETON Awww. Well, I'm glad you like it. But I have to go now. I'm gonna make one for Brian and Christmas Eve, and Gary and Nicky and Rod, and Trekkie Monster, and everyone! KATE MONSTER Oh. PRINCETON Oh, and uh -- KATE MONSTER Yes? PRINCETON What are you doing tonight? KATE MONSTER Grading term papers. But it's kindergarten so they're very short. Why? PRINCETON Everyone's going to hear this singer at the Around the Clock Cafe. Do you want to go with me? KATE MONSTER Like, a date? PRINCETON Sure! A date. It'll be a blast. KATE MONSTER I'd love to come! PRINCETON Okay! Well, I'll see you then. KATE MONSTER Okay! PRINCETON Okay, bye. KATE MONSTER Bye! He likes me! 8. I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today BRIAN I'm not wearing underwear today. No, I'm not wearing underwear today. Not that you prob'ly care much about my underwear, still, nonetheless, I gotta say -- that I'm not wearing underwear to-daaaay! (spoken) CHRISTMAS EVE Get a job! BRIAN Thank you -- honey. So -- here's the woman you all came to see -- The Around the Clock is proud to present -- fresh from her world tour, headlining in Amsterdam, Bangkok, and Celebration, Florida -- please give a warm hand to the star of "Girls Gone Wild" parts two, five and seven -- Lucy the ***! 9. Special LUCY I can make you feel special. When it sucks to be you. Let me make you feel special. For an hour or two. Your life's a routine that repeats each day. No one cares who you are or what you say. And sometimes you feel like you're nobody, but you can feel like somebody with me. PRINCETON Wow! LUCY Yeah, they're real. When we're together the earth will shake and the stars will fall into the sea. So come on, baby, let down your guard. When your date's in the bathroom, I'll slip you my card. I can tell just by looking that you've got it hard For me! For me! For me! For me! For me! For me! I can tell just by looking that you are especially hard for me! 10. You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want (When You're Making Love) (spoken) BAD IDEA BEAR #1 Take her home! BAD IDEA BEAR #2 She's wasted! BAD IDEA BEARS Yaaaayyy! KATE MONSTER My God, Princeton! Right there! Right there! That's the spot -- that's the spot! -- okay, a little lower -- okay, now to the left -- no, my left -- ohhhhhhhh! PRINCETON Oh, my God, Kate, no one's ever touched me like this before -- you can't put your finger there -- Ooh, put your finger there! BOTH Oh yeah! (they dive under the covers. Lights up on Gary Coleman who's listening in) (sung) GARY COLEMAN You can be as loud as the hell you want when you're making love. You can be as loud as the hell you want when you're making love. You can be as loud as the hell you want when you're making love. GARY AND BEARS You can be as loud as the hell you want... KATE MONSTER (Screaming in pleasure) Aaaaaahhh! PRINCETON Yaaaaaaahhh! (a phone rings, Gary picks it up) (spoken) Gary Coleman. You hear what? -- Hell no, I won't tell them to quiet down! (Princeton and Kate pop up from under the covers) KATE MONSTER Are we being too loud? PRINCETON Yeah, are we bothering someone? GARY COLEMAN Oh, no, not at all, kids. You keep doing what you're doing. BAD IDEA BEARS Yeah! Louder! (sung) GARY COLEMAN You're not allowed to be loud at the library, at the art museum or at a play But when you and your partner are doin' the nasty don't behave like you're at the ballet! 'Cause you can be as loud as the hell you want when you're making love. You can be as loud as the hell you want when you're making love. Don't let the neighbors stop you from havin' fun, they'll have peace and quiet when you're good and done. ALL Be as loud as the hell you want when you're making love! (heavy breathing) Loud as the hell you want... KATE MONSTER Faster, Princeton! CHRISTMAS EVE Brian, slow down! This not a race! ALL Loud as the hell you want... PRINCETON Oh, YEAH! BRIAN Who's your daddy? CHRISTMAS EVE What?? Brian!! ALL Loud as the hell you want... Loud as the hell you want... GARY COLEMAN Smack it and lick it and rub it and suck it! ALL Loud as the hell you want... CHRISTMAS EVE Yes! Work your mama! ALL Loud as the hell you -- KATE MONSTER Oh yeah, that's it! BRIAN Ooh, babe! TREKKIE MONSTER (enjoying himself) Uuuuuhh! ALL Loud as the hell you... (x7) want! 11. FANTASIES COME TRUE (Rod is awake in bed, while Nicky snores) (spoken) ROD It sure can get lonely at night. Nicky, you awake? NICKY (asleep) Is that a unicorn? ROD Oh, he's talking in his sleep again. NICKY No, I'll wear the purple shoes. Who painted the kitten? ROD Maybe I should just shake him. NICKY I love you, Rod. ROD What did you say? NICKY I love your little laugh. ROD Nicky, are you awake? NICKY Take off your shirt. ROD Oh Nicholas -- have you been shy all this time? Have we been hiding from each other? I wonder -- (sung) All those night I lay in bed, thoughts of you running through my head... NICKY I know -- put my earmuffs on the cookie... ROD But I never thought the things in my head could really happen in my bed. NICKY You look like David Hasselhoff... ROD All those years I missed the signs, couldn't read between the lines. Who'd have thought I would see the day where I'd hear you say what I heard you say? And now I find what was always in my mind was in your mind, too. Fantasies come true! And now I see that what I've always dreamed of was meant to be... you and me, me and you! Fantasies come true! You and me lived in fantasy, but soon we'll be a reality. (spoken) PRINCETON Kate, that was amazing. KATE MONSTER You're amazing. PRINCETON I want you to have this. It's a penny I carry around with me for good luck. It's from the year I was born -- see? Who knows, maybe it'll bring you good luck. It did for me! -- I found you. (sung) I want you to know the time that we've spent, how great it's been, how much it's meant. KATE MONSTER Gosh, I don't know what to say. I'm really glad you feel that way. 'Cause I'm afraid that I like you more than I ever liked any guy before. ROD AND KATE 'Cause now, my love, I'm getting what I've always been dreaming of! ROD So are you! KATE MONSTER OH, baby! ROD AND KATE Fantasies come true! And now I swear that when you want me, I'm gonna be right there to care for you... KATE MONSTER That's what I'm gonna do... ROD AND KATE And make your fantasies come true... ROD Fantasies come true. (Rod awakens, Nicky is poking him) NICKY Hey, Rod buddy! You were talking in your sleep. ROD I thought you were talking in YOUR sleep! NICKY No, I just came to bed. You were dreaming, is all. ROD Oh. NICKY It sounded like a nice dream, though. ROD Yes. It was a nice dream. NICKY Good night. ROD Good night, Nicky. 12. My Girlfriend, Who Lives In Canada ROD Ohhhhh..... I wish you could meet my girlfriend, my girlfriend who lives in Canada. She couldn't be sweeter, I wish you could meet her, my girlfriend who lives in Canada! Her name is Alberta, she lives in Vancouver. She cooks like my mother and sucks like a hoover. I e-mail her every single day, just to make sure that everything's okay. It's a pity she lives so far away, in Canada! Laaaaaast week she was here, but she had the flu. Too baaaaaad 'cause I wanted to introduce her to you. It's so saaaaaaaaad -- There wasn't a thing that she could do but stay in bed, with her legs up over her head! Oh! I wish you could meet my girlfriend, but you can't, because she is in Canada. I love her, I miss her, I can't wait to kiss her, so soon I'll be off to Alberta! I mean Vancouver! ***! Her name is Alberta, she lives in Vancou-- She's my girlfriend! My wonderful girlfriend! Yes, I have a girlfriend, who lives in Canada!! (spoken) And I can't wait to eat her *** again! 13. There's a Fine, Fine Line KATE MONSTER There's a fine, fine line between a lover, and a friend. There's a fine, fine line between reality, and pretend; And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb. There's a fine, fine line between love, and a waste of time There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale, and a lie. And there's a fine, fine line between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye". I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime But there's a fine, fine line between love, and a waste of your time And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore. I don't think that you even know what you're looking for. For my own sanity I've got to close the door And walk away... Oh... There's a fine, fine line between together, and not. And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted, and what you got. You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime. There's a fine, fine line between love, and a waste of time. ACT TWO 14. There is Life Outside Your Apartment (spoken) BRIAN Princeton! PRINCETON Yeah. BRIAN Listen, buddy, nobody's seen ya for two weeks. What's up with that? PRINCETON I went to work for a temp agency, and they fired me for being too depressing on teh phone. I maxed out my cards. I'm two months behind in rent. I totally messed up my personal life. Oh, and Brian -- I still haven't found my purpose! BRIAN All right. Get off your *** and stop worrying! Everyone's getting together to mess around the city today. PRINCETON Have fun. BRIAN When I say "everyone", that includes you! (sung) There is life outside your apartment I know it's hard to conceive, but there's life outside your apartment, and you're only gonna see it if you leave. There is cool *** to do, but it can't come to you. And who knows, dude, you might even score! There is life outside your apartment, but you've got to open the door! (spoken) PRINCETON No, thanks, I'm staying in. BRIAN Don't tell me I gotta force you. PRINCETON Sorry! BRIAN All right everyone! He's resisting! (Christmas Eve, Trekkie Monster, Gary and Nicky pick Princeton up and drag him outside) (sung) ALL BUT PRINCETON There is life outside... there is life outside... there is life outside... there is life outside... your apartment! There's a pigeon squashed on the street. CHRISTMAS EVE Eww. BRIAN There's a girl passing by NICKY No, I think it's a guy ALL BUT PRINCETON And a homeless man who only wants to buy something to eat! Sorry! Can't help you! (they enter the subway) ALL BUT PRINCETON We could go to the zoo! TREKKIE MONSTER Pick up girls at NYU! BRIAN We could sit in the park smoking pot! CHRISTMAS EVE Or not! ALL BUT PRINCETON There is life outside your apartment PRINCETON Well, I guess I'll give it a shot! (*gunshot*, everyone screams and runs) ALL There is life outside your apartment I know -- (*loud jackhammer* -- they cover their ears and swear) There is life outside your apartment (they look up in horror) OFFSTAGE VOICE I'm gonna jump! ALL Don't do it! OFFSTAGE VOICE Okay! ALL There is cool *** to do but it can't come to you So come on -- (*car screeches to a halt*) OFFSTAGE VOICE Get out of the way ***! PRINCETON *** you! ALL There is life outside your apartment! Oh, you never know what's around the bend. You could win the lotto or make a friend... (Lucy enters, the guys eye her and turn to Princeton) GUYS Take her home to see your apartment... LUCY Do you wanna feel special? GUYS Special! LUCY I can see that you do. GUYS Ooooh-wah! LUCY Well, I can make you feel... special if you let me feel you. GUYS She'll feel you! LUCY Where's your pad? PRINCETON Not too far! GUYS We could call you a car! PRINCETON We'll be fine, thank you! See ya! CHRISTMAS EVE Hope you don't get gonorrhea! ALL There's life outside your apartment... PRINCETON AND LUCY But now it's time to go home! GROUP There is life outside your apartment... PRINCETON It's time to go home! GROUP There is life outside your apartment... LUCY I can make you feel special... GROUP There is life outside your apartment... ALL But now it's time to go home TREKKIE MONSTER For ***! 15. The More You Ruv Someone (spoken) KATE MONSTER Why can't people get along and love each other, Christmas Eve? CHRISTMAS EVE You think getting along same as loving? Sometimes love right where you hating most, Kate Monster. KATE MONSTER Huh? (sung) CHRISTMAS EVE The more you love someone, the more you want to kill 'em. The more you love someone the more he make you cry. Though you are try for making peace with them and loving, that's why you love so strong you like to make him die! The more you love someone the more he make you crazy. The more you love someone the more you wishing him dead! Sometime you look at him and only see fat and lazy. And wanting baseball bat for hitting him on his head! Love... KATE MONSTER Love... CHRISTMAS EVE And hate... KATE MONSTER And hate... CHRISTMAS EVE They like two brothers... KATE MONSTER Brothers... CHRISTMAS EVE Who go on a date. KATE MONSTER Who... what? CHRISTMAS EVE Where one of them goes, other one follows. You inviting love he also bringing sorrows. KATE MONSTER Ah, yes. CHRISTMAS EVE The more you love someone, the more you want to kill 'em. Loving and killing fit like hand in glove! So if there someone you are wanting so to kill 'em, you go and find him, and you get him, and you no kill him, cause chances good... CHRISTMAS EVE AND KATE MONSTER He is your love. 16. Schadenfreude GARY COLEMAN Right now you are down and out and feeling really crappy NICKY I'll say. GARY COLEMAN And when I see how sad you are it sort of makes me... happy! NICKY Happy?! GARY COLEMAN Sorry, Nicky, human nature -- nothing I can do! It's... schadenfreude! Making me feel glad that I'm not you! (spoken) NICKY Well that's not very nice, Gary! GARY COLEMAN I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it! (sung) D'ja ever clap when a waitress falls and drops a tray of glasses? NICKY Yeah... GARY COLEMAN And it ain't it fun to watch figure skaters falling down on their ***? NICKY Sure! GARY COLEMAN And don'tcha feel all warm and cozy, watching people out in the rain! NICKY You bet! GARY COLEMAN That's... GARY AND NICKY Schadenfreude! GARY COLEMAN People taking pleasure in your pain! (spoken) NICKY Oh, schadenfreude, huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word? GARY COLEMAN Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!" NICKY Happiness at the misfortune of others. That IS German! (sung) Watching a vegetarian being told she just ate chicken GARY COLEMAN Or watching a frat boy realize just what he put his *** in! NICKY Being on an elevator when somebody shouts Hold the door! GARY AND NICKY NO! Schadenfreude! GARY COLEMAN *** you lady, that's what stairs are for! NICKY Oooh, how about... Straight-A students getting Bs? GARY COLEMAN Exes getting STDs! NICKY Waking doormen from their naps! GARY COLEMAN Watching tourists reading maps! NICKY Football players getting tackled! GARY COLEMAN CEOs getting shackled! NICKY Watching actors never reach GARY AND NICKY The ending of their Oscar speech! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude! GARY COLEMAN The world needs people like you and me who've been knocked around by fate. 'Cause when people see us, they don't want to be us, and that makes them feel great. NICKY Sure! We provide a vital service to society! GARY AND NICKY You and me! Schadenfreude! Making the world a better place... Making the world a better place... Making the world a better place... to be! GARY COLEMAN S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E! 17. I Wish I Could Go Back to College (Kate is on the observation deck of the Empire State Building) KATE MONSTER I wish I could go back to college. Life was so simple back then. (Nicky appears on a dark corner, shivering) NICKY What would I give to go back and live in a dorm with a meal plan again! (Nicky and Kate sigh. Lights rise on Princeton, at the hospital, sitting next to Lucy's bed) PRINCETON I wish I could go back to college. In college you know who you are. You sit in the quad and think, "Oh my God! I am totally gonna go far!" ALL How do I go back to college? I don't know who I am anymore! PRINCETON I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door! Ohhh... I wish I could just drop a class... NICKY Or get into a play... KATE MONSTER Or change my major... PRINCETON Or *** my T.A. ALL I need an academic advisor to point the way! We could be... Sitting in the computer lab, 4 a.m. before the final paper is due, cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner, and seeing the rest of the class there, too! PRINCETON I wish I could go back to college! ALL How do I go back to college?! Ahhhhhhh.... PRINCETON I wish I had taken more pictures. NICKY But if I were to go back to college, think what a loser I'd be -- I'd walk through the quad, and think Oh my God... ALL These kids are so much younger than me. 18. The Money Song (spoken) NICKY Help the homeless! Help the homeless!-- Oooh! Hey Princeton! (sung) Give me a quarter! Here in my hat! Come on, Princeton, it's as easy as that! Helping others brings you closer to God, so give me a quarter... PRINCETON I don't have any change. NICKY Hmmm. Okay, give me a dollar. PRINCETON That's not what I meant. NICKY Give me a five! PRINCETON Are you kidding? NICKY The more you give the more you get. That's being alive! All I'm asking you is to do what Jesus Christ would do: He'd give me a quarter -- why don't you? (spoken) PRINCETON All right, all right, here you go. (he puts money in Nicky's hat) NICKY Ahh, thanks! PRINCETON Take care. Whoa! NICKY What's the matter? PRINCETON I feel -- generous! I feel -- compassionate! NICKY You do? PRINCETON Yeah! I feel like a new person -- a good person! Helping other people out makes you feel fantastic! NICKY That's what I've been trying to tell you -- PRINCETON All this time I've been running around thinking about me, me, me -- and where has it gotten me! I'm gonna do something for someone else! NICKY Me? PRINCETON No -- Kate! I'm going to raise the money to build that stupid Monster School she's always talking about! (sung) Give me your money! NICKY What?! PRINCETON I need it for Kate! NICKY I need it to eat! PRINCETON Come on, Nicky! NICKY Aww, get lost! PRINCETON It'll make you feel great! NICKY So would a burger! PRINCETON When her dream comes true, it'll all be partly thanks to you, so give me your money! NICKY I'd like to, but I can't! PRINCETON Give me your money! NICKY I'd like to, but I need it! PRINCETON Give me your money! NICKY I'd like to, but I'm homeless! I can't! I need it! I'm homeless! I can't! I need it! I'm homeless! I can't! I need it! I'm homeless! (Princeton slaps Nicky) NICKY Okay, here ya go. PRINCETON Thank you! NICKY Suddenly, I am feeling closer to God. It's time to stop begging! It's time to start giving! What can I give to Rod? Something he'll like so much he'll take me back. Ooh, I know! I'll find him a boyfriend! PRINCETON That's the spirit! PRINCETON AND NICKY When you help others, you can't help helping yourself! When you can't help others, you can't help helping yourself! (spoken) GARY COLEMAN Hey boys, what's the hat for? NICKY Ooh, we're collecting money! PRINCETON It's for Kate! We're raising money to build her dream school! (sung) Give us your money! NICKY You'll be glad that you did! GARY COLEMAN That's just what my parents told me when I was a kid! ***! NICKY But giving feels so great... GARY COLEMAN And I bet it wouldn't hurt your chances with Kate. PRINCETON Well, that too. GARY COLEMAN I'll give you a dollar. PRINCETON You're a gentleman and a scholar! (spoken) CHRISTMAS EVE We so happy! We just exchange all your wedding gifts for cash! BRIAN Honey, don't tell them that! CHRISTMAS EVE We get about two thousand bucks! BRIAN Uh, yeah. So -- thanks, everybody! CHRISTMAS EVE We rich! (sung) PRINCETON Give us your money! NICKY Give us your money! GARY COLEMAN Give us your *** money! PRINCETON Give us the dough! GARY AND NICKY Give us the dough! PRINCETON, GARY AND NICKY We're raising money for a monster school, but we've got a ways to go! PRINCETON Sounds like you've got money to burn... NICKY And it's not like money that you had to earn... PRINCETON, GARY AND NICKY So give us your money -- (spoken) CHRISTMAS EVE A Monster School? BRIAN Sounds like a good cause. CHRISTMAS EVE Give me your wallet. PRINCETON Oh my gosh! I don't know how to thank you guys. I mean, Kate will be so grateful... that kind of money is such a great start... (she hands Gary some cash) GARY COLEMAN Yeah! Fifteen dollars! PRINCETON Fifteen dollars? CHRISTMAS EVE Every little bit help! NICKY Looks like we're gonna have to ask MORE people! (they turn to the audience and pass the hate) (sung) ALL Hey! Give us your money! All that you've got! Just fork it on over... GARY COLEMAN Or some puppets will get shot! PRINCETON Hey! ALL It's time to pass the hat GARY COLEMAN And there' snothing you can do 'bout that. ALL So Give us your money! Give us your money! Give us your money! When you help others, you can't help helping yourself! When you help others, you can't help helping yourself! Every time you do good deeds you're also serving your own needs. When you help others, you're really helping yourself! When you give to a worthy cause, you'll feel as jolly as Santa Claus. When you help others, you can't help helping yourself! 19. School For Monsters/ The Money Song reprise (Princeton counts the money). (spoken) CHRISTMAS How much do we get? PRINCETON Boy, it's not very much at all, is it? BRIAN Never say never, Princeton, there's still one more person we have to hit up! (Trekkie pops out of his window) TREKKIE MONSTER No! No! No! Go away. Me busy. CHRISTMAS EVE But it for good cause! TREKKIE MONSTER What in it for me? Go away! PRINCETON I guess Kate'll never get her school for Monsters. TREKKIE MONSTER What you say? BRIAN Kate wants to open a school for Monsters. TREKKIE MONSTER School for Monsters? Me never hear of that! (sung) School for Monsters! School for lonely little Monsters! When me little, going to school, other children think me not cool, poking and pulling at me fur... Now we have therapist, and work on this with her. But me no need me therapy if Monster School a reality! (spoken) Here! Me give you ten million dollars! PRINCETON Trekkie! Where did you get all that money?! TREKKIE MONSTER In volatile market, only stable investment is ***! (sung) ALL When you help others, you can't help helping yourself! When you help others, you can't help helping yourself! Every time you do good deeds, you're also serving your own needs! When you help others, you can't help helping yourself! 20. There's a Fine, Fine Line / What Do You Do With a B.A. in English  Reprise (spoken) KATE MONSTER (looking at her building) The Monsterssori School. I don't even know where to start! CHRISTMAS EVE Do you know who get idea and collect all the money and buy building for you? KATE MONSTER Was it you? CHRISTMAS EVE No. It Princeton. KATE MONSTER Princeton? For me? PRINCETON You said you couldn't make you dreams come true by yourself, so I shot for the stars. (sung) You've got to go after the things you want while you're still in your prime... KATE MONSTER There's a fine, fine line between love... (spoken) Thank you, Princeton. PRINCETON So will you take me back, Kate? KATE MONSTER I'll be so busy now, with all of the contractors, and inspections, and hiring teachers and choosing textbooks... PRINCETON Well, I could help you. KATE MONSTER Can we take it one day at a time? (Gary hangs up the "For Rent" sign. A young optimistic-looking puppet  appears) NEWCOMER What do you do with a B.A. in English? Oh, look! A "For Rent" sign! Oh my God! You're Gary Coleman! GARY COLEMAN Yes I am! NEWCOMER Say, can you tell me where to find the super? GARY COLEMAN I am the super. NEWCOMER Well, listen -- I wanna ask you about the apartment for rent? GARY COLEMAN Oh, sure! PRINCETON Wait a minute! Wait a minute! That's it! KATE MONSTER What? PRINCETON My PURPOSE! Look at this kid, here, all fresh-faced and new and not knowing anything! He has no idea what he's in for! He thinks the hard part's over, but it's  not! And maybe he needs a little help! Maybe my purpose is to take everything I'm learning and put it -- put it into a show! BRIAN Are you high? NEWCOMER And I'm not some young kid who doesn't know anything. *** you! 21. For Now PRINCETON Why does everything have to be so hard? GARY COLEMAN Maybe you'll never find your purpose. CHRISTMAS EVE Lots of people don't. PRINCETON But then -- I don't know why I'm even alive! KATE MONSTER Well, who does, really? (sung) Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied. BRIAN Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside. GARY COLEMAN Take a breath, look around. BRIAN Swallow your pride. KATE MONSTER For now... BRIAN, KATE, GARY AND CHRISTMAS EVE For now... NICKY Nothing lasts, ROD Life goes on. NICKY Full of surprises. ROD You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes. CHRISTMAS EVE You're going to have to make a few compromises... for now... ALL But only for now! (for now) Only for now! (for now) Only for now! (for now) Only for now! LUCY For now we're healthy. BRIAN For now we're employed. BAD IDEA BEARS For now we're happy... KATE MONSTER If not overjoyed. PRINCETON And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now... GARY COLEMAN For now... TREKKIE MONSTER For now... KATE MONSTER For now... ALL But only for now! (for now) Only for now! (for now) Only for now! (for now) Only for now! Only for now! (For now there's life!) Only for now! (For now there's love!) Only for now! (For now there's work!) For now there's happiness! But only for now! (For now discomfort!) Only for now! (For now there's friendship!) Only for now (for now) Only for now! Only for now! (Sex!) Is only for now! (Your hair!) Is only for now! (George Bush!) Is only for now! Don't stress, relax, let life roll off your backs except for death and paying taxes everything in life is only for now! NICKY Each time you smile... ALL ... Only for now KATE MONSTER It'll only last a while. ALL ... Only for now PRINCETON Life may be scary... ALL ... Only for now But it's only temporary. Ba-dum ba-dum, ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum ba-da da da da ba-da da-da da da-da ba-dum ba-da, ba-dum ba-da, oooooh -- PRINCETON Everything in life is only for now.