Welcome To Britain - A Tourist Guide

.....those rednecks backed off, after I showed them my mobile phone, and told them I was from the future. Interesting. Hi, I am a Hugh Jass, and I am joined by Mary Hinge, the award-winning feminist author, who wants to give us a tourist guide for Great Britain. Hello, Mary, and welcome. Hello, Hugh, and thank you. You sound different. So do you, maybe we both have the cold. I smell a plug in the air, let's get it out the way. Sure, I'm producing a new TV show, it's about men who are so gormless, they would have trouble finding their own *** with both hands. And of course, lacking personality and intelligence as they do, they are only able to attract the dregs of society, and instead of ending the relationship in a dignified manner, they take their partner on TV, and make them jump through humiliating hoops, to take them as the alcoholic, leg-spreading, brain dead, moronic, filthy pigs they are, and turn them into better women. Who sets the rules for what makes them a better woman? The men of course. And what is the show called? It's called "*** Academy". It sounds like a ratings winner. Moving on, you want to give us a tourist guide for Britain, please tell us a bit about it. Certainly. Being a feminist *** hole, Britain can't attract tourists for love or money, so I thought I would help by making a tourist guide, in the hope of attracting more tourists to this once green and pleasant land. Sounds good. Well I cannot think of one single reason why anyone would want to visit this toilet, so please give us some. Sure. With it guaranteed to be raining 8 days a week, due to a patriarchal conspiracy to ensure women always have a bad hair day, you will be spending most of your holiday indoors, so why not enjoy some of the delights that British television has to offer. Like what? You could start by watching the BBC, and gasp in amazement at their ability to charge the public money for a service they did not even ask for, and then spend that money making shows that are both aimed at women, and set in London, even though most BBC license-payers live nowhere near London. If you catch the BBC news, you will be amazed at how they get away with passing psychic readings, or just plain guesswork, off as actual news. Please give an example of a psychic reading they pass off as real news. Certainly. With most women in Britain having heads filled with popcorn, you can tell them anything, and they'll believe it without question, unless it's a negative thing about women, and the BBC do this all the time. As an example, they report that over 90% of rapes go unreported. Unreported? Yes, that is how amazing the people at the BBC news are, they are able to report on crimes that are not reported. It's just a pity they don't inform the intelligence services of the many planned terrorist attacks that also go unreported. It's almost as if they want women to be afraid of most men, by making them think that most are rapists, not only that, rapists who keep getting away with it, because their crime goes unreported. Over 90% is quite a high number for nothing more than a guess. That's correct, but it's scary, and can make women who are stupid, which most British women happen to be, think it means over 90% of men are rapists. That is why tourists should be sure to catch it, as they will not witness such ***-poor journalism anywhere else. Any other delights on TV to enjoy? God yes, you can't move for quality TV in Britain. As most British TV is made for women, it's the ultimate bore-fest. You can choose to watch one of the 80,000 soap operas that are on every day. like Hollyoaks, Eastenders, Coronation Street, or Emmerdale, and if they don't bore the *** off you, which is very unlikely, you can watch one of the many hour-long soap operas, which are called "Dramas", like Casualty Holby City, Waterloo Road, or The Bill. There seems to be many options if you are a soap opera fan. Well, not really, as they all follow the exact same formula, only with the names changed, so whatever one you choose to watch, you can guarantee there will be a sleep-inducing story about someone having an affair, a birth, an affair, a death an affair, a marriage, an affair, a divorce, or an affair, with the odd *** story thrown in every now and again, in the hope of getting a pitiful TV award. What other drivel is on British TV? *** like Wife Swap, where two women swap places and play dictator in each other's house. Or Supernanny, which is basically free classes for the many women who chose to be single mothers, where they are taught useless garbage about naughty steps. Then there is that nutter who gets fat people to *** in a jar, then examines their *** on national TV, to find out why they are so fat. Every show ends the same, it turns out they are fat, because they shovel pies into their fat gobs all the time. I can't believe you went through all that *** on TV without mentioning my favourite show, Loose Women. What better way to spend your holiday than watching a daytime show, hosted by four decrepit women, who constantly say things about men, they themselves would deem unacceptable, if they were said about women? One a two-bit weathergirl, one with big *** and a dead rabbit, one who is past her sell-by-date, and pretends she doesn't want children, while bitterly pretending she doesn't mind that her ex-husband is now a multi-millionaire, and one who is a washed-up soap opera actress, who had to pretend she had a past filled with drugs and danger, to cover the fact that she is a walking yawn-inducer. Who watches this ***? I will do everyone a favour and not describe their audience. Are they that horrendous? Yes. Put it this way, I have seen them, and I would sooner have a homeless junkie be sick in my mouth, than look at them again. they are just utterly grotesque. I am starting to taste vomit in my mouth, so maybe we should move on. What other delights does Britain have to offer tourists? Sticking with indoor activities, why not go to one of the many nightclubs, which are basically all the same, playing the same music? You will be amazed at how women can freely walk through the door, often without being searched, while the men are searched, and charged a fee in order to get in, which is one of the countless forms of discrimination that women somehow have great difficulty in acknowledging, most likely because it doesn't negatively affect them. Disgraceful. What can one expect to find in a British nightclub? As I said, they are all the same, so most of the men will be standing around the dancefloor, pretending they are too cool to dance. The women will all look alike, with hardly any clothes on, bleach-blonde hair, orange faces, as a result of too much sun bed, and they will all be there to meet their Prince Charming. In a nightclub? Yes, as I said, most women in Britain are ridiculously stupid, so they actually think they will meet their ideal man at a nightclub, and not some guy whose only interest is to pork them. Idiots. Any more indoor activities that tourists would not want to miss? You cannot miss out on the chance to go to a west end show, and you will be spoiled for choice as there are so many to choose from. What show would you recommend? There is a great one where men take to the stage one at a time, and say things that they think will make women like them, or just things they think women want to hear. Who is in it? Jeremy Kyle, Matthew Wright, Nicky Campbell, David Dimbleby, most male politicians, and the recent addition to the show, Rio Ferdinand. What is the show called? It's called "The Mangina Monologues". It sounds tedious. Any more indoor delights for tourists? There is always the radio, where you will hear rubbish singers trying to emulate successful American acts, even though it used to be the other way around. If you are in the mood for some man-hating, lesbian lies, and propaganda, then why not tune into Women's Hour? Women's Hour? Yes, you see, all British women have the same opinions, tastes, wants, needs, and desires, and they even listen to the radio at the exact same time as each other, for an hour, which is why Women's Hour exists. They don't play music, they just use license-payers money to spread lies about how women are victims, which is lapped up by women who are destined to live in Spinster Avenue, or Cat Lady Boulevard. Pitiful. Any more tourist attractions? Of course. Have you pushed your luck just too far, resulting in your partner giving you a good slap? Then why not visit one of our many hundreds of domestic violence shelters? Well, if you are female that is, as men are not welcome, and Britain would prefer to see male victims continue suffering, than offer them the same help they offer women. What fun can be had at a domestic violence shelter? You can watch and admire, as the people at the shelter will insist you sign a document stating you are not allowed to talk about what goes on at the shelter, otherwise you won't be allowed to stay. In fact, staff at these shelters are often so violent and abusive, they need these confidentiality agreements, or people might learn what really goes on. And what goes on that they don't want anyone knowing about? Manipulation of the women using their services, to claim they suffered more abuse than they actually did, which is great for creating statistics to show the government when it comes to getting more funding. The children at these shelters are often bullied and abused by the staff, and threatened with having their mother taken away from them, if they don't say their dad abused them, in order to beef up the statistics they need for funding. Despicable. Any other delights we offer our tourists? Certainly. If you want to see why the country is in such a ***-poor state, why not visit Westminster, where you will see the British politicians in action? You will be astonished at how 99% of the men are apologetic to women, and constantly pander to them. You will also be stunned at how most of the women are completely unable to get any respect whatsoever, thanks to all-female shortlists. Is it just the biggest insult to intelligent women, all-female shortlists, that prevent them from being respected? No, it's the female politicians themselves. No matter the topic, they always manage to make it all about how women are victims, like Harriet Harman and Teresa May for example, they were recently asked what their favourite colour was, and they both answered, "Women suffer domestic violence, and are held back by the glass ceiling and gender wage gap". What a coincidence, that's also my favourite colour. Moving on, are there any other interesting things for tourists to do? Yes, why not take in a tennis match at Wimbledon? You will be astonished at how gullible the British public are, as they are willing to take out a mortgage just for strawberries and cream, because they are told that it's traditional. They are also willing to accept, with no protest, that two people deserve the same prize money, for doing vastly different amounts of work. One doing almost twice the work as the other, and being far more entertaining, while the other couldn't pull a crowd, even if they had a naked pillow fight during their game. Just terrible. Surely there can't be any more activities to make the tourists not want to leave? There sure can. Are you female, fat, ugly, and have a fear of ***? Then why not take part in the country's biggest charity event, Race For Life? What's that? It's a charity event where the number one rule is that men are not allowed to raise money for a good cause, or help in any way when it comes to finding a cure for cancer. The women who take part hate men, and are so ashamed of their repulsive bingo wings, fat flabby ***, and their all-round grotesque stench, that they would prefer men not to take part, which is a request filled to the brim with sexist discrimination, so Cancer Research UK immediately agreed to it, as they are bigoted, and full of contempt for men. Horrendous. Well, Mary, this has been interesting. If your guide doesn't get Britain more tourists, I don't know what will, thank you for sharing. Any time, Hugh. Before we go, I have a joke for you, it's about Britain's most famous detective. Taggart? God no, Sherlock of course. Let's hear it. How do you know Dr Watson was black? I don't know. Whenever he spoke to Sherlock, he always referred to him as "Holmes". Until next time, goodbye.