Weird Science S1E1 - English Transcript

Remember what they called us in the fourth grade? - Les Wieners? - And then in the sixth grade? El Dorkos. And who can forget the eighth grade classic? - Das Barnies. - Das Barnies. Well, that's all behind us, Wyatt. This is a new year, a clean slate and through these doors, a chance to start over. Come. Journey with me. Did you see that? Kristen and Jenny just smiled at us. The geek curse has lifted. Do you two know you're standing on the school emblem? We're so embarrassed for you. Here's the plan. On my signal, we scream like girls. ( Screaming ) Thanks for not spitting on us. ( Laughter ) Oh, geez, my parents. Wyatt rough first day? No, it was great. Really great. Is that toilet paper in your hair, son? Some juniors used Wyatt's head to clear a clog. Initiation stuff. - Lots of fun. - ( Horn Honks ) It's back. Chett. Mom. Dad. Sis. Showing some leg? ( Laughs ) Damn, it's good to be home. Take care of the bags, ladies. Is there any chow in the house? I could eat a dog as big a horse. Spit shine those antlers till they glow. So, you turned down your commission after I spent a fortune putting you through Military School. I had no choice. The marines have lost their frost. A tour of duty these days is serving grits to some pack of third world slackers. How long are you planning on staying? Well, it's hard to say. Unless the commies get their act together I could be here for the long haul. ( Both Gasp ) ( Burps, Blowing ) How does that rub you? Pray for war. Another hot saturday night spit shining your brother's moose. Tell me, why aren't we at the school dance right now shaking our groove things? 'Cause no girls would talk to us let alone dance with us. And why is that? Together we've seen over 600 hours of the playboy channel. You'd think by now we'd learn something about women. You make man like me? No. Woman-- a friend for you. Woman. Friend. Yes. I want friend. That's not a bad idea. - What? - Making a girl. Actually making a girl. Just like the bride of Frankenstein but without the knobby neck. - You serious? - We can use your computer. Gary get real. Virtual reality is one thing but it's still just a machine. I mean, you can't kiss it. I'm not talking about making a video game girl. I'm talking about making real love babage. A woman to teach us about women. We can find out all the things we want to know-- What women think, what they want and why they don't want us. It can be done. I saw it once in a John Hughes movie. - You're scaring me, Gary. - Good. Let's get ot work. # Weird # WYATT: Intelligence level. Hmm. ***. # Weird Science # # Plastic tubes # Now let's customize her. Make the girl we want exactly the way we want her. # Weird Science # # Ooh, things I've never seen before # # Behind open doors # # And imagination # Wyatt we're building a dream babe not a jeopardy champ. # Making dreams come true # # Living tissue, warm flesh # # Weird Science # Oh, yes. # Bits and pieces, and # # Bits and pieces, and # # Bits of my creation # # Is it real? # # It's my creation # # Ooh, my creation # # It's my creation # We need more power. More power! Let's do it. Let's make a woman! # Weird Science # # Ooh # ( Yelling ) # Fantasy and microchips # # Shooting from the hip # # Weird Science # # Ooh # ( Yelling ) # Mending broken hearts # # And making Weird Science # # Something like a recipe # # Bit's and pieces, and # # Bits and pieces, and # # Bits of my creation # # Is it real? # # It's my creation # # I do not know # # No hesitation # # The hearts of gold # # The spice of life # # I do not know # # I do not know # # From my heart and from my hand # # Why don't people understand # # My intentions? # # Understand # # Ooh # # Bits and pieces, and # # Weird # # Bits and pieces # # Weird Science # # Ooh, bits and pieces, and # # Weird Science # # Bits and pieces, and # # Bits and pieces, and # # Bits and pieces, science # # Bits and # # Science # She's alive. Alive! WYATT: She's alive? - This isn't possible. - How did this happen? Who cares? It breathes, it moves and I think it wants me Gary it is a freak discharge of electrical energy augmented by supernatural forces far beyond our meagar comprehension. Yeah, and it's not wearing a bra. So this is what you boys consider a dream babe. This body's a scathing indictment of a sexist brain-dead MTV generation. But then again, what am I complaining about? I am leggy, buffed, and brainy. Good job, guys. Um You're welcome. It was Wyatt's computer that did it. All right, barf-lick! What the hell is going on? This place is a war zone. My moose melted? # Somebody's gonna die. # Whoa! Who is the little glitter ***? My name is What is my name? How how about Lisa? Fine. My name is Lisa. Whatever. Take off! Lisa and I can hammer this out in the privacy of my futon. Right, honey? Oh, I'm sorry, Chett. I'm Wyatt's girl. He and Gary own me. Isn't that right, boys? Uh Uh If you say so. You belong to this pile of stink weed? You're yanking me. He looks like a little *** cat but trust me, Wyatt's gifted. I should know because I'm a part of Gary and Wyatt. That's why if Wyatt thinks you're disgusting I think you're disgusting. Bad move. You're dead. Oh, no! Not your locker! Take a good whiff. That's enough. Let him out. Please, Chett. Only when you admit what you are. Huh? Admit you're nothing but a cud-chewing wussy boy. - Chett, please. - I said say it you lying sack of dog puke! I wish you'd go to hell! Where did he go? One second he was here, then next, not. Chett's where you wished him-- hell. - You barbecued my brother? - Cool. Mom's going to be so mad. Don't worry, Wyatt. The wish takes time to wear off. Chett will be back soon. No hurry. Seriously. What are you, some kind of witch? Get real. Use your fuzzy logic. Think of me as a P. C. Genie. So, like, we command you? You'll give us whatever we ask for? Except for what you want right now. How do you know what I want now? You're a torqued-up 15-year-old. Check back with me when you're legal. What about my room? When we get back from the school dance everything will be back to normal. School dance? That's where you want to go, isn't it? Trust me. A little trip to the mosh pit is exactly what Wyatt needs to unwind. ( Gasps ) Come on. The Limo's waiting. You didn't steal this car, did you? No. If I want something if you want something, I can get it. So, like, if I ask for a million dollars, you'd get it? One million big ones coming at ya. I'm rich! Filthy, hello-beverly-hills rich! What happened? I was afraid of that. Afraid of what? Well, nothing lasts forever including your wishes. My guess is they could last an hour, a day six seconds? What kind of K-mart Genie are you? We wish for stuff, but we can't keep it? Hey, don't blame me. Blame the software. I'd have a lot more power if Wyatt has installed the Neutronium Space Modulator. Way to go, smart guy. Let me get this straight. I can wish for anything? Well, what do you want? Wyatt's dying to tag this babe named Kristen. I'm talking deep, deep emotions. Just like me and uh. Jenny. Right. You think you could get those girls to fall in love with us? At the dance? Consider it done. ( Rock Music Playing ) GARY: Pardon us. Hope we're not bothering you. Mind if we stand here? Uh, kind of. Don't be frightened. I know what you're feeling-- A little hot, tingly overwhelmed by our raw *** attraction. You're kidding, right? Excuse us, gentlemen. Do you two know you're talking to our dates? We're so embarrassed for you. Lisa promised those girls would fall in love with us. ( Music Stops ) I'm sorry I'm late. - That's okay. - No problem. Personally I find Wyatt and Gary irresistible. ( Crowd Murmuring ) This is my dance! Easy, girls. Plenity of loving to go around. Gary, uh we got trouble. I think we're about to be mauled by 50 *** girls! Bring 'em on. All right, girls. That's enough! You should be ashamed of yourselves because he's mine. Gary, baby. We've got to get out of here! Gary! ( Screaming ) GARY: A room full of babes itching to take us down and what do we do about it? - Hide in the toilet. - Shh. They'll hear us. Well, hello, boys. We're so embarrassed for you. - Hey, dudes. - Shut up. I don't get it. Pasty skin, no butt Addams Family hair why do all the girls want them over us? Who cares? Let's kill them. - ALL: Yeah! -No, wait, guys. Hold on. I can appreciate the impulse but there's a far more social anomaly at work here. I suggest we investigate further. Just one question it's Gary. Oh. Ted. Nice to meet you. Tell me, Gary, how do you do it? Well, it's kind of hard to say, Ted what with sex appeal so undefinable. Maybe the women sense our inner strength but my guess is they get off on our natural cuddleability. Either you got it or you don't. We got it. You? Well, you know ( Laughing ) Okay. Now let's kill them. Yeah! LISA: Excuse me, please. Excuse me. Pardon me. Be right with you. - You got to help us. - I am ( Elevator Music Playing ) ( Bell Dinging ) That was classic. Gets better. Bag of popcorn, a candied apple three hours on the teacups. I'm telling you that was one chili dog I wasn't happy to see again. ( Laughing ) I could listen to you talk all night, Gary Wallace. It doesn't matter what stupid, goofy thing I say Jenny eats it up. It's got to be love. Watch this. Did I mention I'm wearing adult diapers? ( Sighs ) See? And Kristen's crazy about you. I haven't said a word. This feels kind of weird. Weird? For the first time in our lives the girls we like actually like us back. Of course it's weird. Here you go. Did I ever tell you about my last near-death experience? I was in this canoe is it just me or is he full of it? At least your date has pulse. Girls, could you excuse us uno momento? Turn us back into babe magnets before the girls blow. Do you want that, Wyatt? Of course he does. Now wiggle your nose. No, Gary. It's not what I want. Are you nuts? This is what we dreamed of. Those babes are ours or will be with help from Lisa. Gary, they don't really like us. Okay. So it's not true love but there's a lot to be said for a sure thing. No. Wyatt's right, Gary. You boys don't need my help. Trust me. If I think you're adorable so will they. Here they come. You're on your own. Uh look. We don't know why we're with you guys. Maybe it was something we ate. Anyway, we're got to go. Wait, Kristen there's something I want to say. I I wanted to say I know you girls can do a lot better than Gary and me. You could find smarter guys, funnier guys, cooler guys Wyatt Okay, okay. All we're asking for is a chance. Believe me. We would give up all magic in the world just to spend another hour here with you. And then later we can climb in the back of the Limo and slap Vinyl. ( Disgusted Gasps ) Another time then. Ciao. Another smooth move from Mr. Sensitivity. I don't get it. When did slapping Vinyl become so Taboo? ( Hysterical Laughter ) Yeah! Wyatt Wyatt! Oh, little buddy! I've been through hell. ( Yells ) What the hell is going on? That didn't just happen. What are you staring at, snot-lick?! - Night, Chett. - Night, Chett. LISA: Cheer up, guys. You finally got time to spend with Kristen and Jenny and despite what you might think they were more than a little impressed. Yeah? Look, you got to get it through your heads. You're not just a couple of Barnies. You're good guys with a lot of heart and a lot of potential. Give it time. You'll see. Are you sticking around this time? Before you created me, I did't exist. Don't you see? You're my reason for living. All I want is to make you happy. Are you happy? Very happy. Good. Then I'm out of here. Nice going, Wyatt! Why did you tell her you were happy? You're never happy, and now we'll never see her again. What were you think? I don't know. I just felt kind of happy there for a second. Well, I'm not happy. Lisa, come back. I'm not happy! You're really not happy? Give me one good reason why I should be happy right now. Did we get the girls? No. Did we get to keep the money? No. Did we get to keep Lisa? It would take a lot to make me happy right now and unless you plan on turning into a killer babe I consider tonight a complete bust. Oh! Ooh. ( Wyatt's Voice: ) Don't even think about it. # Weird Science. # Captioned by Grantman Brown