Flight of the Conchords S2E7 - English Transcript

- Hi, Murray. - Hey. I'll say hello in a minute, guys. It looks busy out there. It's like an office. Guys, I'll have to be quick today I'm afraid. Here we are. Band meeting. Brett, present. - Jemaine, present. Murray... - Why didn't you let us say present? I'm trying to save time here, Jemaine. That wouldn't have saved much time. I can't have time wastage, all right? I'm stressed out. - Do you want to know why? - No. All right, I'll tell you. The prime minister of new zealand is coming to new York... - Really? - Yeah? ...and I've been appointed his aide. - Oh, wow. Congratulations. - We might even go to Washington and meet the president of America. Oh, really? Will the queen be there? No, it's not a big do. It's just a small party. Actually... greg, has the president of America returned my call? - No, Murray. - Oh, you're there, greg, lurking. How long have you been lurking there? Doesn't matter. Can you call the white house again, please? - Sure. - Okay. Dismissed. Likes to lurk there, doesn't he? Oh, I've got you a gig. - Great. - Oh, yeah? Here we go. There's some clothes for you, Jemaine. - Oh, thanks. - And here's a nice coat for you, Bret. - Thank you. - Oh, and also... here's a wig. You could wear that. - A wig? What does Bret need a... - Yeah. It's for the gig, okay? - What, a wig for the gig? - Mm-hmm. - I have to wear this? - Yeah, that's your one. The only thing you'll need is... are you familiar with the songs of simon & garfunkel? You've booked us a gig as a simon & garfunkel tribute act? - Ah. - Haven't you? - You're onto it. - You're trying to disguise it. I tried disguise it as a gift, okay? - I'll admit it. - Murray, we don't sing other people's songs. Oh, I know, Bret, but here's the thing: I listened to some of their songs, and they're actually better than your songs. And this is a great opportunity to do them. You do their songs, you can look like them. But they've already done their songs. Well, it's better than your last gig. It was barely a gig, wasn't it? We went into a karaoke bar and you put our names on the list. - Exactly. - That's not a gig. - Yeah, it was. It was a bad gig. - It's not a gig. - It wasn't even a gig. - It's not a bad gig. That's just a karaoke night. You don't need a manager, 'cause you don't gepaid. - You just have to put your name on the list. - Well, we know that now. We're still in a learning phase, aren't we? You've been managing us for two years. Yeah, I know, but that's the first time I've been to that karaoke bar. My point is, guys, this gig I'm giving you now is a legitimate gig. It's from an agency that books lookalikes. Well, we don't look like simon & garfunkel. Well, here's the thing... the actual lookalikes don't look anything alike, and they don't look like the guys they're supposed to look like, and they're busy. So I went in there and you know what? You look just like they do. So we look like some simon & garfunkel lookalikes who don't look like simon & garfunkel? That's right. What a blessing. - So, you happy to do it? - No, clearly not. - No, we're not doing it. - Okay. Well, I'll have to put that $50 back then. - $50? - $50 each. ¶ have her make me a cambric shirt ¶ ¶ I need a shirt ¶ ¶ parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme ¶ ¶ and thyme ¶ ¶ without a seam nor fine needle... ¶ look at that, man. They've got apples. - Oh, really? - Guys. Bloody brilliant, all right? - Thanks, elton. - It's so good to see someone else up there just... like me, just kind of doing my thing, you know? You're doing elton John's thing really, though. I'm doing my thing which is doing elton John's thing. - Oh yeah? What's he doing then? - He's doing his thing. - His thing, which is the same thing. - I'm doing... I... my thing, though, is to do elton John's thing which is why I said I'm doing my thing... - doesn't he go into the thi... - Maybe you didn't hear the first thing I said. Whatever, but... all right, look. Right there. They booked another elton John act same night as me, dressed exactly like me... 1973 "*** chateau" outfit. There is a guy who is not doing his own thing. There's a guy who doesn't have a single original idea in his head. - He's dressed... he's doing elton John's thing. - He looks like you. - Yeah. No, he's doing my thing when I'm doing... - Hey, John. Oh, hold me closer, tiny dancer. - Hello. - Did you see elton #2? Oh, eh, yes. Well, let me introduce you to two very talented young men. This is parsley and this is sage. - Hello, sage. - Hi. They filled in for the guys from troubled waters. One of them had a bladder infection. Oh, that's too bad. You were wonderful. I feel honored to meet you. - Oh. - Ooh. Can you feel some love tonight? Hey, want to see a guy who looks just like Bono from U2? - Oh yeah yeah? - Yeah, but real muscular. Come here. Cool. - You look great. - Oh. I usually look better than this. - I like your height. - I'm usually this height. Do you like bubble baths? Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. Would you like to go to dinner with me tomorrow night? Uh, I'll just see if I'm available. Yes. Bret, this girl asked me out. - Oh, the prime minis... - shh shh. - The prime minister. - Yes, he's terribly jet-lagged. He thinks it's tomorrow. Don't wake him. Hey, can you take a photo of me with him? Yeah, okay. Get in, Bret. - Can you move just... - He's waking up. Get out. Go on, go. - Ah. - He's seen you. Come back, he's seen you. Sorry about that, Murray. Dropped off there. Bloody jet lag. - What day is it, yesterday? - No, it's today, sir. Oh, yes. Of course it is. Oh, well, let me introduce you, prime minister. These are two of the leading lights of the new zealand/new York artistic community. Oh, yeah? Artists, are you? Good on you. What sort of thing do you paint? - Nudes? - No, we're a band, your honor. Well, I'm Brian, the prime minister of new zealand. - Yes, we know that. - It's very nice to meet you, my lord. You're gonna have to excuse me. I'm just a bit jetlagged. Christ, what a flight. I watched a couple of films on the way over though, but my screen broke halfway through "cars." Have you seen the film "cars," Murray? Do you know what happens at the end? Let me just... greg, the prime minister wants to know what happens at the end of the movie "cars." - Okay. - Specifically, I'd like to know what happens between the main car and the girl car. The prime minister wants to know specifically between the main car and the girl car... - do they get together at the end? - Yes, I believe they do. - Oh. They do get together. - Good. It was touch and go there for a while. - Thank you for that, Murray. That was well done. - That's all right. That's the sort of thing we should be doing in new zealand. - I'll make a note of it, prime minister. - Yeah, do make a note of that. "Talking cars." I'll put you down as one of the creators, though, - 'cause you came up with this concept here. - I think so. Yeah. - Put me down as a creator. - Okay. Do you mind if I put my name on there as well, prime minister? Just as... - put it down "Murray, co-creator." - Oh, thanks very much. Okay, well, we'll be seeing you around, guys. Oh, did Murray tell you I'm meeting the president? When is that, Murray? Uh, well, I'm still sort of ironing out the finer details, but at the moment it's scheduled in for this Friday. What have I got booked until then, Murray? Well, I thought you could go on a guided tour of the cultural sights of new York city. Perhaps these two guys could guide you. Oh, great. Good on you. I'll look forward to it. Oh, well. - What a great man. - Murray, you should be taking him on the tour of new York. I'm sorry, guys, okay? I'm in real trouble here, all right? I haven't organized the meeting with the president and the prime minister doesn't know. But, Murray, we can't take the prime minister around. - We don't know how to do that. - Yes, you can. It's easy. - Doesn't he need a bodyguard? - He's the prime minister. - A bodyguard? - Yeah. - Well, there you go... Bret. What, me? Yeah, you can offer protection. Well, is there a new zealand government gun? Yeah, but the army's got that. You could just pretend you've got a gun, so just put your hand in your jacket like that. - Don't move. - Don't pull that out, 'cause that's obviously not a gun. - Oh, yeah yeah. - When you pull it out, just go "it's still in there." - Okay? - Okay, all right. Anything else? Hello, is that warrick? Is that warrick? Yeah, hi, it's Brian. These are... these are FBI style. These have actually been worn by the FBI on several occasions. How's the country going? No, seriously, how's it going? - Who is that guy? - He's the prime minister of new zealand. - What language is he talking? - English. Yeah, now look, how's the environment going? - Well, can we clean it up a bit? - Yeah, maybe. Well, I don't know. Just get some of your cousins together and just clean it up a bit. Dave, I'm going on a date with a woman tonight. - Gonna *** her? - She didn't mention that. She mentioned dinner. Oh. Well, let me know how it goes. - Okay. - I thought so. Hey, where'd you get "the matrix"? This has just come out in new zealand. Hello. Yes. Could I please speak to the president, please? How do you know I called before? Oh, right, the number came up. Well, yes. Yes, it is me, um, but this time I've got my prime minister here. He wasn't here before, but he's actually here now and it's really become an urgent matter that I organize the two great men to meet. He's come all the way from new zealand. New zealand. It is a country! Yes, it is! All right. Thank you. I'm busy as well. I'm gonna go. I'm going to have to call you back, actually. Thank you. I mean, how do we know that we're actually here in America and not part of the matrix? I mean, everything in your experience... are we really here or are we just part of a giant battery? I don't really believe in the matrix, your honor. - No, neither do I. - No, I don't believe in it either. - No, of course not. - It's just an interesting idea that is open for discussion. - I believe in the matrix, your majesty. - I knew it. So do I. You know why, Dave? Have you ever had deja vu? All the time. You know what that is, don't you? Glitch in the matrix. ***' a. So, sage, are you the hugest simon & garfunkel fan or what? Uh, yeah, I like some of their songs, like the one about the fair, and... "scarborough fair"- parenthesis-"canticle." Yeah, is that the one with the shopping list... one guy has a shopping list for another guy with some herbs and spices... parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme? - Yes. Actually... - Excuse me, ma'am. There's a phonecall for you. Really? Be right back. Jemaine. Jemaine. Mel, what are you doing? How did you get there? Jemaine, she is crazy, dangerous. I'm just trying to be a good friend. Would you please leave? I'm trying to have a date. I am warning you, Jemaine, she is psycho. I have been watching you guys and I have never seen that kind of psychosis in my life. Get out. Get out of here, please. There was no one there. - That's weird. - Mmm. That's... that's strange. So can I ask you a question? - Mm-hmm. - What did you do to your hair? Nothing. I... I put a little bit more water in it than I usually do. - It was really different the other night. - That was a wig. It was a big, orange afro wig. You wouldn't mind going home and changing into what you were wearing the other night, would you? I was really attracted to that, and now this. Uh, yeah, I supp... I suppose I could change. Please. Now. - Okay. - Great. Thanks. I'm just gonna make it a little darker in here. Um, are you sure that I really need to wear... - just a little bit darker. ...the wig? - A little bit darker. - It's really dark in here. Just a little bit... and climb up here. - Umm... - I just need you to put your legs over and block that light with your head. - I usually... - It's kind of the right height if you just... could you just... yeah... - take off your glasses? - Oh, I like to keep my glasses on - because I like to see if... - Take them off. I usually like to see the details. Do you always talk with the accent? - Yeah. - Don't talk. - Sing. - Pardon? Sing "bright eyes." - I don't think that... - Sing it. - ¶ somewhere there are... ¶ - Don't sing. Don't talk. Oh, perfect. ¶ demon woman ¶ ¶ demon woman ¶ ¶ demon woman, your hair is like silk ¶ ¶ but you're curdling my milk, I know not of what ilk thou art ¶ ¶ demon woman, woman demon ¶ ¶ demon woman, you sit on a rock ¶ ¶ looking nice in your frock ¶ ¶ but you're scaring my livestock ¶ ¶ demon woman, woman demon ¶ ¶ demon woman, you're making me moan ¶ ¶ turn my bone into stone and you're taking me home ¶ ¶ to meet your familiars ¶ ¶ nice to meet you, you cast your spell ¶ - ¶ very well ¶ - ¶ demon woman ¶ ¶ demon woman, woman demon ¶ ¶ demon woman, you cut puppies' toes off ¶ ¶ pull an animal's nose off, how'd you magic my clothes off? ¶ ¶ demon woman, take me back to your room ¶ ¶ make me howl at the moon ¶ ¶ make me pray to the temple of womb ¶ ¶ demon woman, woman demon ¶ ¶ your *** are balls of flame ¶ ¶ and I'm burning my hands playing these ballgames ¶ ¶ demon woman ¶ ¶ demon woman ¶ ¶ demon woman, woman demon. ¶ take a spoonful of cereal so it looks like we're having breakfast. - Hi, Jemaine. - Hey, man. - Hey. - How come you've been away for three days? I was on that date with that woman. Why are you wearing your art garfunkel costume? I don't know. She just prefers me to wear it. - Hmm. - Just one more photo, okay? Just one more. It's not weird. - Yeah, it's weird. - I didn't say it was weird. - But it is, though. It is... it's weird. - No no, it's really weird. - Dave's right. - But it's also the coolest *** thing - I've ever heard in my whole life. - Thank you. No. You know what? Go for it. Go for it. Reap the benefits that being in a tribute band bring. I mean I've... I've had women come up to me and they say, "oh, elton, I love you. Please have my baby." And I've had 11 children, you know, all elton babies. - Elton John's gay though. - Yeah, and so am I when I'm in character. - Jemaine, how long can you keep this up? - I don't know. A couple of years. Yeah. No, the taxi fare was outrageous. It was 1,000 new zealand dollars. Yeah, but you're running the country at the moment. Try to get it up. Sir, there are no cell phones allowed on this tour. Listen, I've got to go. I'm meeting with the president. - Yeah, now. - Sir, no cell phones. - God, it's strict here. - I know. Good day. I'm Brian, the prime minister of new zealand. How are you? What are you two meeting the president about? - Sir, did you have a question? - You ask. Yes, when could we meet with, you know... - I think we're scheduled to see... - El presidente. - Excuse me, sir. - Look, I'm sorry. I'm Murray hewitt. This is the prime minister of new zealand. Yeah. Hi, I'm Brian, the prime minister of new zealand. Just a sec. I've got a card somewhere. This is greg. He's on photographs. And Bret here, he's a bodyguard. Aren't you, Bret? Here you go. - This says "John." - Yes, I know it says "John." That was the last prime minister. We had 3,000 of those printed. We couldn't just throw them away. Still the same phone number, isn't it, Murray? Same phone number. Basically, when you call up, just ask for Brian, not John. - It changes every three years. - The thing is, we've got a meeting with the big guy, the Chief. Chief to Chief. I can't allow you into the oval office. But we have a meeting scheduled. - You have a scheduled meeting? - Yeah, that's basically what I just said. A meeting scheduled, scheduled meeting. - Isn't that right, Murray? - Yeah. Well, you know, there's scheduled meetings and then there's chance meetings. What I've done is I've scheduled a chance meeting. Iook, I've got a 20 here, an American 20. We have a situation here in the president's hallway. - Jemaine, what's wrong? Are you okay? - Hi, Mel. Are you upset about something? Is it that crazy ***? - My girlfriend, yes. - Did she slap you around? - No. - Did she sleep around on you? - No. - Did she leave you? - N-no. - Oh. Mel, can I tell you something quite personal? Yes. Oh, you can tell me anything. Please. You can trust me. I am here for you. She makes me dress up as art garfunkel and have sex with her. What? That is sick. That is sickening. That is disgusting. What kind of desperate freak goes along with something like that? Well, I go along with it. She calls it garfunkeling. - Oh. - I think I've got low self-esteem. I'm sorry. I'm just... I was just so disgusted by what you did, I can't even focus on what you're saying anymore. I was just saying I have quite low self-esteem now. Do you wanna... rest your head on my bosoms? That's fine, Mel. Thank you. Emergency new zealand government meeting. What's the story, Murray? Well, sir, you were supposed to meet the president and I was supposed to organize it, but greg and I failed to do so. Murray, you lied to me. I'm feeling that feeling where you go... - angry? - No, more than that. One up from that. - Oh, livid. - I'm just so livid with you, hewitt. I really wanted to meet the president. I'm just so disappointed. I told everyone back in new zealand that I was gonna meet the president. I told my mom I was gonna meet the president. What am I gonna tell her when I get back there and say that I couldn't meet the president? I'm going to look like a complete and Utter turkey. You're not the turkey, sir. Greg and I are the turkeys. I'm sorry. Was that an official apology? Yes, sir. "Official apology made by Murray hewitt. Apology accepted." - Thank you, sir. - Good. Well, we've still got the barbeque to look forward to. You know, I was thinking about that, Murray. A barbeque is a bit old-fashioned, don't you think? What about a fondue party instead? - Yes. - Yes. I mean, I've got the cheese covered. All right. - And what could you bring, Murray? - The salads, perhaps? - Definitely. - Bret, what can you bring? - I can make half a dozen croutons. Half a dozen. Do you think you can go higher than half a dozen? - 900? - They'd be very small, - almost like crumbs. - 900... I think that's too many. Try and split the difference. Try and come down from 900 but up from six or seven. I could probably make 15 croutons if you like. Excellent. Excellent idea. You're showing promise, young man. - All right. - "Brett's shown promise. P.M." Well. Who could that be? Would you get that? Mel? - Hello. - Oh. Hello, art garfunkel. Sorry, is... is Karen in? Karen, uh... art garfunkel is at the door. Oh, God! I'll be there in a minute. - Hi, Karen. - Art, what are you doing here? Karen, how long are you going to keep doing this? Doing what? I don't know what you're talking about. Come on, I know you still have feelings for me. Wow. You are really self-obsessed. It's all "me me me," isn't it? Well, this is my boyfriend sage. We have a very healthy relationship. - You can't stand that, can you? - Come on. Another art garfunkel impersonator? - Um, I should go. - No no no. You know, if you thought a little bit less about yourself and a little bit more about me, then I wouldn't have to do this. I think of nothing other than you and I know you still think about me. - Is that true? - Yeah. - Oh. - So... - I don't understand. - Don't do that to me anymore. - I... I will go. - I missed you. - This is like the 12th one? - I just... hello? Don't... greg, just turn down... down the gain. Sorry. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the prime minister's fondue party. Now just to let you know, there's over four different kinds of cheeses to try tonight and they've all been brought all the way from new zealand by our very own prime minister. Now the prime minister, he came to the U.S. To meet the president. Unfortunately, events transpired or didn't transpire. The white house... very hard to get ahold of and anyway, it didn't happen. So what I've done is I've managed to pull some strings myself - and I've got him here tonight. - What? Please put your hands together... the 44th president of the united states! Kiss me. Kiss me. Bret? - Oh, hey, Jemaine. - Oh. - Hello. - Oh, sorry. - I thought... - hi... hi, Jemaine. - Good night. - Okay, just drive. Just drive, Doug. Just drive. Mr. President, I'd like you to meet the man responsible for this historic occasion... Murray hewitt... who's the deputy cultural attache for new zealand here in new York. Oh, yeah, I met him back at the agency. I also do usher and sometimes will Smith. The agency? What's he talking about, Murray? The c.I.a. Would be the agency. Actually, he's probably talking about codewords... operation will Smith. - Well. - So, can I get a beer? Absolutely. Someone get the president of the u.s.a. A beer, please. Let's get him new zealand beer, greg. - We should get a photo. - Yeah, a photo would be great, actually. Greg, photo opportunities. Forget the beer. Let's do some photos. Actually, take autofocus off and stand back a bit. - All right. - Now could we get one where it makes it looks like you're taking my advice? This is probably the one we're gonna run in the paper, so... okay, now one where we're just eye to eye, like we're equals. Actually, if you could just pop down a bit... - just a little bit, yeah? - Go on tiptoes, Brian. That's great. Now one where we're shaking hands as if we've just done a really important trade deal. - Good deal, prime minister. - Yeah, good good. Okay, now let's get one of your "matrix" guys in and we'll make out like we've got guns. He has got a gun, hasn't he? Let's stand as if we're Charlie's angels. 'Cause this one's for my kid's room. Really big "Charlie's angels" fan. Okay? Okay, that was great. Now let's get Bono and elton John in for the next one. I knew it... a bloody glitch. I knew it! He's going for the edge! Go and get him, greg! Hey, Jemaine. You're home... early. - Hey. - These are some of my new friends. Bret, are you rehearsing Paul simon's solo stuff? No. www.tvsubtitles.net