Cougar Town S4E12 - English Transcript

You guys are gonna watch TV and let me do the dishes even after I made dinner? Picked up dinner. Fine. Ordered dinner, - and then Grayson picked it up. - I ordered dinner. Oh, no one cares. Now help me do the dishes. We can't. "Rudy" is on. If the end comes on when Rudy finally gets in the game, you just gotta stop and watch. It's epic. Well, what if made doing the dishes epic? Travis! Travis! Travis! - You're in! - Yeah? Travis! Travis! Travis! - What do I do? - Stay in! Travis! Travis! He's so little! Great job! Now let's go clean that garage! _ You should buy this house. It is a perfect home for newlyweds to start a life. Was the previous owner happy here? It was actually my husband, and he was happy for many years, although he spent most of them as a man-***. What? - She says her husband's a man-***. - Ah. He can barely hear, but I married him because he's good in the sack. Oh, you heard that, didn't you, Norman? We really want to belong to a neighborhood. We don't want to be the old folks that nobody talks to. Anne, I live right there. I promise you, we will welcome you with open arms. Then we'll buy it. - Ah. - What's going on? They bought the house. Is this your husband? Oh, God, no. I mean, I wish. I'll take it. Mm. I gotta go. I told the kids at surf camp to tread water until I got back. You've been here an hour. I'll smell you later, Goose. Thanks. The "Top Gun" high five is our thing. Plus Goose and Maverick can't kiss. Well, if they did, it'd be a more honest movie, now wouldn't it? Look, I'm having a blast with Riggs. You know, we surf, we fish. I bet she doesn't like to hang out at the beach and throw jellyfish at each other. Did you know the lifeguard told us not to do that anymore? That's what makes it so fun. Aww, look at you, all jealous. You know, that's the problem with naming my boat "Jealous Much?" It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Ando, I'd hang out with you this week, but I know you're afraid of snakes. Lately, you're doing this thing where you make a giant leap and skip over info I need to understand what you're talking about. Right. Sorry. You remember when the city had that rat problem, and they brought in all these snakes to eat the rats? I still don't think they should've dropped them in from a helicopter. But that snake rain looked cool as hell. - Yeah. - Now there's too many snakes, and they can't find anything to eat them. The city's paying $2 for every snake you catch. Well, have fun with Riggs. Hey, come on, man. This could end up being great for you, too. Someday we're gonna be chillin' on our own private island, wondering if we should take the yacht out or not, and then some little native boy's gonna come up and say, "Mr. Bobby, how did you make your fortune?" And I'm gonna say, "snakes. Snakes did this. " So, guys, this morning I found some red lint in my belly button. Now I have not worn a red shirt in, like, forever. You can only ting your glass when you have something important to announce. Like I'd like to congratulate my wife on selling my house. - Huzzah! - Good job. Thanks, babe, but I'm still gonna ting when I want people to pay attention to me. Change approved! By the way, I promised our new neighbors we would hang out with them. I'm not doing that. Don't look at me. I don't want to meet new people. I currently only like one person that I hang out with. That's me, right? Uh, yeah. Cool. So what do you want me to do, just hang out with really old people by myself? It's not that bad. I do it all the time. Which reminds me, we're having a penny can contest at our house Friday. $500 prize. I want that cash. And I need a good partner, so If I'm your ringer, do we split the cash? No, I'm using the winnings to buy a screen-used prosthetic. Third *** from "Total Recall. " What up? If only I were 21 again so I could not date you. If I was your partner, could I stay late and become friends with all of your friends? A resounding "no. " My fifth stepdad was actually a drug mule. Oh, we went on so many vacations to jungles in teeny tiny airplanes. How are you not dead? pronounced dead more than once. Three times. I drowned body surfing. One time I bled out. Boring story. And once at a rave, I got poisoned when a glow stick exploded in my mouth. But they always bring me back. You can't kill Laurie. I need a partner for a penny can tournament. I'm gonna say no. You wanna know why? - What about you, Laurie? - 'Cause you're mean to me. I'm gonna pass, but have fun. Okay. No biggie. What are you doing? Everyone knows you have a thing for him. You should go for it. Usually when I like a guy, I just jump him. But with Travis, there's just too much at stake. I have to know that we're compatible as a couple before we're a couple. That's impossible. So just go to the party. It doesn't mean you have to sleep with him. Go to a party and not sleep with someone? Come on. I guess afterwards, I'll just go to the post office and not mail anything. You dummy. My mistake. All right. I went and bought some high-end snake-catching equipment. These are snake sticks. And these are snake-containing units. How are you for blasting off tomorrow morning around 5:00? Oh, come on. I'll make you breakfast. You are crashing here, right? About that-- I-I just never know if I'm supposed to crash here or not. Are we just hooking up or are we, like, boyfriend/girlfriend? Look, I am having such a great time with you. If it's okay, can we keep things the way they are? No problem. Boo! So I thought about it, and even though I am scared of snakes, I am in. What's the worst that could happen? Well, you could fall on a bunch of 'em, and one could get spooked and crawl up your butt and build a tight little nest up there and start to have babies. But that's the worst thing that can happen. Why do I have to sit back here? Ellie called permanent shotgun eight years ago. Yeah, suck it, dime eyes. What difference does it make, anyway? Well, Tom's lying in my lap. Well, I don't know where we're going. I want it to be a surprise. Where are you taking us anyway? Just trust me. I promise, you'll all love it. We're all hanging out with the McCormacks. - Hi! - You promised we'd love it. I didn't say that. - You did. - Yeah. Come on. It's gonna be fine. They're not that old. It's only 4:15. What are we even gonna do? We're eating dinner. Ugh! Uh, no, thanks. I have to be a doctor pretty early in the morning. Are you operating on someone young or an oldie who's just taking up space? I guess one more glass wouldn't hurt. Did we enjoy eating dinner in the afternoon? You can't ting your glass just to ask a question. Really? I-I feel like I just did. I liked eating early. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do now. I know. I've eaten. I've had my wine. Grayson even tricked me into having morning sex, so that's off the list. I did the old "ask to shower with her so we can just talk" trick. Classic, Grayson. It's 6:45. I bet Anne and Norman are going to bed. So old. Be older. Should we do that? - I could sleep. - I'm really sleepy. Maybe a cat nap. Hello. What's going on? Get outta here. It's bedtime. It's still light out. What's all the ruckus? Nothing, babe. Go back to sleep. We'll see you in the morning. Okay, when we see one, two of us are gonna shoo him, and the other person's gonna grab him, put him in the bag. I can't touch a snake. They freak me out. How do they move so fast without feet? Their feet are actually in their stomach. I don't think that's true, but I-I can't pick one up either. Well, I can't be the grabber. The only thing that scares me more than snakes are werewolves. And fortunately, they're just in Europe. In my dreams, they talk to me with a snake lisp. "Riggs. I see you when you sleep. I'm crawling on your face. " Snake! We only caught three damn snakes. Aah! Aah! What's say we tie this up for fun? I need cash, so I'm changing the name of my boat. You're info leaping again. Sorry. None of my get-rich-quick schemes have been working lately. It's been a shock to all of us. I know. Anyway, I believe changing things up can change your luck. And I hate the name of my boat, so What's wrong with the "Jealous Much?" People see a guy living on a boat in a parking lot, and believe it or not, they're not that jealous. - Come on. - Really? Plus, I have all these hipster d-bags thinking I'm being ironic. I'm never ironic. What about your "I hate Tuesdays" shirt? I do hate Tuesdays. Start of a work week. Plus my brother died on a Tuesday. I didn't know you had a brother. Yeah, he died in the womb. We were twins. I was staring at him right in the face. That's my first memory. But you can't rename your boat. It's bad luck. It's worse than having sex with white guys after labor day. No, it's bad luck if a captain changes the name of his boat. That's why I want you two to do it. I'm gonna pass. First you won't play penny can with me, now you won't rename a boat? Come on. It'll be fun. Okay. Sure. This is probably the best Tuesday I've ever had. I wish you could see it, Donnie Cobb. So, uh, how'd that surgery go? Well, uh, he's alive. I'm not clear why you had to thank us. Oh, last night, we all went to bed before 7:00, and we feel amazing. So I started thinking, why fight aging? Why not embrace being old like you two? I feel like we're not that old. We're just all jealous. I mean, look at you, wearing your reading glasses around your neck, all proud. I haven't been able to read a menu in six years. I just always order steak. That could not be good for me, Anne. You know what I love? Old guys don't have to listen to anyone. Whenever there's a pause, Norm just throws us a wink, like he's listening. Right, big guy? You see? Was he listening? Was he not? Who cares? It's gold! And there's always such a draft in here. How great would it be to wear a cardigan? Yeah. Holy crap, that's soft. Guys, it's almost 4:00. Let's all go have dinner. What do you say? I'm looking for a "yes" or a "no," Norm. We're still tuckered out from last night. Right, hon? Thanks, though. Bye. There's just so much stuff you can get away with when you're older, like bad driving and being a little bit racist. Watching "NCIS". I want it all. Oh, we could call it the "Pair-A-Dice. " You know, make it a pun. Paint two dice on the back. I hate myself. Why is it so hard to think of boat names? Let's try word association, okay? I say "boat," you say Havasu, spring break, '03. I funneled a pitcher of peach daiquiris and then *** the backup fiddle player for the Dave Matthews Band. Okay, well, unfortunately, we can't call it the "SSTD". I got it! We'll call it "The Sea Story. " Boom! Maybe. The ocean is right there. Everything that happens on this boat is a sea story. You and me sitting here talking, we're in a sea story right now. Right, but just because you say we've got the name doesn't mean we've got the name. Okay, is this what our dynamic is going to be like? I get excited about something, and then you just crap all over it? Let's not get crazy. No, I just don't know if I can exist in a world where everything is a struggle, Travis. I'm not sure what's going on, so I'm gonna go find a partner for the penny can tournament. No, no, no, yeah. You-- you go. Walk away. Go have fun with your ***. What are you talking about? I don't know! Where's Trav been lately? He's over in "The Sea Story. " He and Laurie are renaming my boat, and I think that's the name as of now. I like it. You know, you and I spend more time in "The Sea Story" than anyone. And nothing of great consequence ever happens there, but damn it, we always have fun. I can't believe that we only made 6 bucks on our first snake haul. I've been thinking. If I want to make any cash, I really think it's only a 2-person gig. Pick me! I'll let you keep the money and I'll grab the snakes. I will not grab the snakes, but afterwards, I will grab yours. She's talking about my ding-***. Unfortunately, I will never, ever hold a snake, so I'm just gonna have to go with Ando. Yeah! That's right. He's my man. - I'm just kidding. - Mm-hmm. But seriously, he is. We made that early bird special our ***. I know. I got so many compliments on my sweater. Do you like it, Ellie? Did she just old-man wink me? - She did. - Hmm. Hey, before we went to dinner, did it feel like Anne and Norman blew us off? Nah. They're just tired. I'm sure they're already in bed. Well, you were right. Is this not our house? Nice try. Gave it a shot. Okay, I'll let you choose. Should I be angrier that you had sex in my bed or that you blew me off? I don't blow people off. Sex freak it is. Can you really be mad at me? No. You want a glass of wine? Oh, it sounds lovely, but the bottle's empty. Norman and I killed it before we got our nasty on. Of course you did. We used to live in a retirement community, and they made us feel so old. We just sat around doing nothing. We even bought a rascal scooter so we could shop at the mall. Sit-down shopping sounds amazing. We came here to be around young people, and you seem to have already given up. I mean, you-- you barely leave the Cul-De-Sac. Hey. Last week, my stupid husband made me play dodge ball, and I got hit in the face. Yeah, that's what stuck, Anne. You leave the house, you get hit in the face. And I don't see how having a few early dinners means I've given up. But that's how it starts. The second you're okay with feeling old, you never feel young again. "Rage, rage against the dying of the light. " That's beautiful. Did you make that up? You don't read much, do you? I try not to. It means, you never stop fighting against getting old. Norman won't get out of our jacuzzi tub. Oh, I-- I'll go get him. Anne, do not get in there with him. Fine. Hmm. Ya-hoo! Bobby, get the bag! Bobby, get the bag! - Bobby, get the bag! - Wh-- wh-- Whoo-ooh-ooh! - Okay, okay. - Oh! Hey, man. It's pretty badass that you stopped crying. I think I may just be out of tears. Hey, why did you pick me instead of Riggs? I know people say that redheads are shady and shiftless-- They do? I do. Still, I know you like her. Yeah, well, I like her a lot. I just get worried that if we get serious, I'll just screw it up like I always do. So you're not going for it because you're afraid? Lame! Buddy, I'm out here touching snakes for you. You can get over any fear if you really care about somebody, even a ginger. Shouldn't you be getting ready to play penny can with a bunch of oiled-up chicks in bikinis? That's exactly what my parties are like, except no bikinis and all dudes. Here. I thought we could use this till we actually paint it on the boat, so Really? Yeah. Look, I'm sorry I got carried away. I can go from zero to crazy pretty fast. You know, you don't have to get crazy with me. I mean, we're so tight, there's nothing we can't work out together. Okay. Anyway, I gotta go get tampons for Sig. He's so stressed about penny can, he got a violent nosebleed. So, uh bye. Bye, Travis. Hey, guys. You want to go do something? Not ever. Nah. Let's just stay here. Okay? Ellie, will you pass me the wine? Did you just old-guy wink me? Are you still talking? Look, I want to stay in, too. But Anne said that we need to, "rage, rage against the machine and no matter what, stay away from the light. " What? See, that's why I don't read, because I can't retain anything. Oh, my goodness. It's almost 4:30. Where did the day go? Okay, do you guys want to go get some dinner? - Shotgun. - Permanent! If they don't have that soup, I'm gonna be pissed. - Quiet down, backseat. - Don't "quiet down, backseat" me. You can't just call for eight years. - You just can't call front seat. - Yes, I can. - No. - I called it. - There's no shotgun. - You weren't even ar-- Why do you even have that in the car? It's my "be quiet" glass. I'm taking it everywhere. You just passed the restaurant. Oh, no. Are we being kidnapped again? I hope so. Nerd. Oh, I can tell you're bummed because you bought that sad box with a hunk of cheese, a sliced apple, and a hard-boiled egg. It's just an apple-and-cheese box. Found the egg. Oh, score. Hey, listen, I want to apologize for not picking you to go snakin'. It's no big deal if you wanna just keep things casual. Oh, damn it. Thought it was hard-boiled. Well, that's the risk you take with street eggs. Look, I don't want us to be casual. I was just scared. Hey, why are your pockets moving? Well, normally, I'd have a funny answer in the *** arena, but I'll hold off since I'm making a romantic gesture. Lisa Riggs I will hold snakes for you. Coming through. Oh. Hey, guys. Thanks for coming. Yeah. What? Your nose is still bleeding? No, I wear this to get chicks. All right, move it, Sig. I'm his partner. Thank God. I'm light-headed. You ready to kick some *** or what? Are you kidding? This is gonna be epic. Not in the face! Ohh. On your left! Coming through. I love this! I'm never walking again. Does this count as drinking and driving? Good question. Let's get off the street. Excuse me. Whoo-hoo. Whoo! I love it!