Nero Wolfe Mystery, A S1E9 - English Transcript

Yes Now, I think we should go straight to your place. Open the door and then what we do is Saul. No. Now, listen, I slaved for a whole week while he sat there rereading the poetry of John Donne. Mr. Wolfe didn't call me, Archie, Fritz did. Miss Rowan. Fritz? You realize that this is going to cost you. Mr. Panzer, will you please see the irresistible Miss Rowan home? Sure thing. Archie? Strike one. There are three things everyone knows about Nero Wolfe: one, he is a genius, two, he raises orchids, and three, he never leaves the house on business. Fritz? Now, remember something when you tell me why I came here I just gave up breakfast with a delectable woman who has a cook almost as artful as you. Archie? What? Please. First, Theodore just disappears. What? One must tend one's mother if one is sick; I understand that. But to have him worrying himself sick about his orchids, working from eight in the morning until eight at night. Last night the Miltonia seedlings were bitten by cold. Ah, well, admittedly, that is tragic. So he has decided that he must sleep up there. Clearly if I can find no one to replace Theodore I'll do it. I'll do it. These are the sheets. Fritz gave you these? Clearly, if I can find no one to replace Theodore this is the only alternative I can You won't accept anyone less than Andrew Krasicki No We-we don't know if Theodore's going to be away for six days or six months or six years. Clearly, I have to find someone I can trust. I have to find a man who knows what It's no dice. Andrew Krasicki. Works for Joseph Pitcairn. You wrote him a letter, he didn't answer you. Well, letters go astray. You phoned and you got brushed off. By the butler! He has not actually spoken to me. Well I know why you've been so fixated on this and that's because Louis Hewitt recommended him. Right? I know you don't like me using Get the car! The car? Yes, if Krasicki will not come to us, we will go to Krasicki! Now? Yes! And so it was that early on a wet December morning, grim and resolute, ready to do or die, Nero Wolfe went out. Is there something wrong with the car? Perhaps there's something wrong with the car. I drove him north, into the raging wilds of Westchester. Stanley making for Livingston in Africa was nothing compared to Wolfe making for Krasicki in Westchester. Keep your eyes on the road! When we reached Pitcairn's estate, we drove around back, by the service road. Or, as Wolfe said, far from coming to visit the owner, we'd come to steal something from him. Come on, let's go while we're young. Jeez, just like Ray Bolger. Let me, let me. Let me knock. Yeah. Uh, are you Mr. Andrew Krasicki? My God, you're Nero Wolfe. Oh, my God. You're Nero Wolfe, aren't you? I confess it. May I speak with you? Well, yes, of course. I wrote you a letter, but I got no reply. Well, yes, uh, it's all settled; everything's fine. I just wrote you a letter back myself. I can come whenever you say, Mr. Wolfe. I want to sit down. Well, you're more than welcome to come inside if you like, but I'm just on my way to the greenhouse. I'm always late after a fumigation. Oh, yes, of course. Are there any decent stools there? Stools, sir? Uh yes, of course. Yes. Wolfe's reaction was perfectly natural he had just gotten wonderful news. But he had also learned that if he had stayed home, he would have gotten it in the morning's mail. That was hard to take standing up. You owe me a dime, boss. How do you figure? Well, it didn't snow. See my lawyer. Ah, this is a very very nice property, I must say. Thanks. It's over here. Is it much farther? Nope. We're here. Now, that's a cheerful welcome. Yeah, it's kind of poetic. Course, that was here when I got here. It was Mrs. Pitcairn herself that painted it. Okay, here we go. Cyanogas G. Ciphogene. And just as deadly. Oh, it's quite all right. We've had the vents open for a couple of hours. Ah. Feel free to, uh What? This is yours? That's Mr. Pitcairn's. I don't care who owns it. Who grew it? Oh, that was me. Oh, I I Right from a seed I grew this one. Done really well. Mr. Krasicki? I would like to shake your hand. Thank you, Mr. Wolfe, thank you. Uh I-I assume now that you'll be wanting me to, uh. . to, uh, sleep at your house. Am I right? Of course. How else? Well, there's something of a problem there. You seecently there's been a change. Well, I've become engaged to Mrs. Pitcairn's nurse. Mrs. Pitcairn I don't know if you're aware, but she broke her back. Oh, I see. Wolfe's reaction was admirably subdued. The possibility of a woman in the house for any length of time was, of course, intolerable. But reason and desperation prevailed. Well of course this. will not be forever. Theodore will return Oh, Theodore. And we will find you and your new bride a new place. Oh, thank you very mh, Mr. Wolfe. Listen, I have something else I'd like to show you. I don't know if you have time. Of course. It's a curiosity. Of course, you're familiar with the Tibouchina semidecandra, of course. Yes, I am. Um, I have excuse me I have this I have this, uh plant that I've had for two years. I raised this only from a cutting. Well, you'll never guess what happened. It sported a branch. No! I just got it in here hiding and resting out of the light, and Oh! Are you all right? You hit your head; are you all right? There's a dead woman in here. She's dead? Dead and cooled off. Ciphogene poisoning? Confound it! It's one hell of a note if Nero Wolfe can't go to Westchester to lasso an orchid tender without a corpse butting in to gum up the works. Your plant it's mutilated. The branch that it sported, it's it's-it's broken. I'll see to it, sir. Did you kill her? Did I what? Easy. Don't like the question? You're going to be answering it all day, you might as well tell us. Did you kill her? No, good God, no. Who is she? It was just right in here last night. I asked her to marry me and now here I am standing here. What am I going to do? Well, you were supposed to come and work for me tomorrow! Now what?! Is there a phone in the cottage? Yeah, I saw a line coming in outside. Andrew. Andrew! Come here. I'm terribly sorry, sir. Don't be sorry. Just come with me. We'll talk before we go on the phone. Archie, stay with her. You're never really alone in a greenhouse. It was a cinch Dini Lauer was rolled under that canvas after sundown. From her face, she had been alive when that happened. What made her obligingly lie there and wait for the gas to work? Whoever that was was annoyed, and I didn't want him to find Andy before Wolfe had finished with him. before Wolfe had finished with him. Who the hell are you? Neil! Joseph Pitcairn, I presume. Is is Miss Lauer in there? Well, you make it an even dozen, I'll answer. Dozen dozen what? Questions, questions, or I'll trade you. Ever heard of Nero Wolfe? Quit stalling. Something's happened, and I'm going in there. Oh, yeah? Easy, sister. I bet that's Archie Goodwin. Just as soon hit a woman. Put your tail between your legs and be quiet. How dare you barricade my door? I admit I'm not acting normal, but then again, upon seeing a stranger in your house, your first question is, "Is Miss Lauer in there?" Why is that? Take it easy. State Police, open up. Evidently Wolfe's talk with Andy had been short and sour, since he did something he never resorts to if he can help it Lieutenant Noonan, State Police. Calling the cops. Well Archie Goodfin. Lieutenant Carl Noonan and the State Police had been a stinker from the start. He and Detective Ben *** refused to accept me as a human until Cleveland Archer, the D. A. , arrived. We have a general agreement that Andy Krasicki was jelly for Dini Lauer. He saw her and he was drowned. He didn't even float. He just lay there on the bottom. And the last time anyone sees Miss Lauer, it's 9:00 and she's on her way to meet Mr. Krasicki in the greenhouse with some beer. We got enough. Well, given the means, it would appear to be so. How can you conclude that, sir? Why would Andy Krasicki kill Miss Lauer on the very day she agreed to marry him? Marry? What, Dini was going to marry him? He share any of this happy news with anybody? Anybody but these two? Good Lord, I hope not. I was in no mood to assess Wolfe's professionalism. All I wanted was to get my thumbs in a proper position behind Noonan's ears and bear down. Mr. Wolfe, in professional law enforcement we would call that convenient. And if it was me, you'd be looking for bail as a material witness. You remember we was wondering how he got her to lie down so nicely and wait while he turns on the poison? M. E. says he put morphine in her beer. Did he get it from Mrs Imbrie? Sybil! Oh, please, Daddy, we all know about Mrs. Imbrie's problem, and her cure. And It's for her neuralgia. I haven't had to use them for a month. Is this going to be over soon? In a minute. There is a box of morphine pellets in the cupboard in the kitchen. We all know about them. Well, come on! Well, that gave the law a good excuse to search the whole house and Andy's cottage. No morphine pellets were found. Meanwhile, Wolfe and I beat it to the greenhouse to discuss what Wolfe had learned from Andy. Andy had a tête-à-tête with her late that afternoon. There, at last, she surrendered and agreed to marry him. Since he wished to accept my offer, he asked her to leave her position with the Pitcairns and get one in New York. She asked him to keep their agreement private until she had broken the news to Mrs. Pitcairn. They met again later that evening at around 9:00. Drank beer, talked. She left at 11:00 by the door to the living room, and that was the last he ever saw of her. At 2:00 he and Gus taped all the windows and doors. After the rooms were all locked off, he sent Gus out, and He opens up the ciphogene master valve for eight minutes, and then he closes it again and he locks the door, puts up the sign, "Door to death," and then at dawn he returns and he opens up the vents and he goes back to bed. We can assume that the murderer had three hours to place the body into position. What about the others? They all got peachy alibis, see? They were all asleep. I don't care what happens to me. Just get the *** that did this. It is my hope that you will stay at my house tonight. If it was me, Wolfe, you'd be looking for bail for yourself as a material witness. Didn't you say that before? Hey, if you want I can say it again. Wait, Archer! The charges against Krasicki can be anything short of first-degree ***. The bail can be any amount of money. I shall pay it. But please let me keep him. But please let me you will thank me when I've got the facts and you've got to take them. Why don't you just get a gardener that's not a killer? What can the charge be but first-degree ***, Mr. Wolfe? There is one point that proves his innocence, absolutely. You of the law assume, and so do I, Nero Wolfe, that the flowerpot underneath the bench was overturned when the body was rolled underneath. Yeah so? It is inconceivable that Andrew Krasicki could have left it that way. He would have most certainly righted it and retrieved the precious branch. Is this before or after he kills her? For a plant man such as Andrew Krasicki, this would have been automatic. Indeed, I myself witnessed him save this precious branch while still reeling from the insanity of just having seen the dead body. I've heard tell of your fantasies, Wolfe, but if this is a sample, I'll take strawberry. If it was me, you'd be looking for bail as a material witness. I can't believe it. You said it again. You just said it again. Listen, you Later, later, later. What about motive? Are you going to argue with a straight face that he fumigated her to death because he couldn't have her? A little grade-A jealousy wouldn't hurt. Was there a love triangle? Well, let's not speculate too far. Well, what about somebody else? I mean, Neil Imbrie doesn't look the part. Gus Treble doesn't act the part. But then there's the Pitcairns the father and the son. But I don't think they're the kind of people a servant of the people would take a poke at, but I don't know, I guess, I mean, you never know. They've been questioned, Mr. Goodwin, thoroughly. We've done our job thoroughly and we have our suspect. Well, as pleasant as this is, I'd like to get back to New York before Christmas. Oh, I forgot to tell you, I'm getting married. The caterer's been called, the flowers have been sent, the people have been Would you shut up?! I'm trying to think. Confound, it's this chair! It's, uh, what, the chair? Were you waiting for someone? Oh, yes, yes. Yes? Who? Who? Yes, anyone. Anyone. You. Anyone. He's eccentric, Daddy. He's being eccentric. Be quiet, Sybil. Lieutenant Noonan left a man at the entrance to my grounds to keep people from entering. The man has orders not to prevent anyone's departure. Now that this miserable and sordid episode is finished No, no, it indeed, no. No? No, no, it is not finished. And that Lieutenant Noonan is an *** foallowing you lunatic-farm-animal people to be traipsing around, wandering to and fro, free to go as you please, when one pf ypu is certainly a murderer! Why is your daughter hysterical? Why are you hysterical? Oh, that was so corny, Nero. Are you addressing me? I'm disappointed in you. I thought you were better than that. Now I am resolved. You! You have resolved me. I have been engaged to clear Mr. Krasicki's name, and I intend to do it. May I remain here until I am either satisfied that he is guilty or am equipped to satisfy others that he is not? That was much better. That rolled. I've had enough of this. Where'd you get that, a museum? Very well. I shall manage on my own. This is the key to Mr. Krasicki's cottage, which he gave me in order for me to collect his belongings. We are going there now to do so. Any comment? No. Good. Morphine? No. D- U-P, period. G- R-N-H-S, period. Duplicate greenhouse. Oh, brilliant. I want to make it plain that I don't like the way you're acting. Oh. Many time in the past you've sat behind your desk and said, "Archie, go get whosits and whatsits" and I've delivered. But if you plan on having me drive you back to New York and then upon arrival, say, "Go get the Pitcairns or the Imbries or Gus Treble " There's a phone. Call call Fritz. I won't even bother listening to you way you've bungled things up here all because a pretty girl called you by your first name. She isn't pretty. She's not pretty! She was pretty. Fritz. Yes, Fritz, we've been delayed. Now, I'm no woodsman, but it didn't seem reasonable that wind could make a leafless branch perform like that. No, no not on the north wall. No! Not a one! Idiot! Confound you! Look, this would be more fun if I knew what it was for. You're a double-crossing son of a ***. That's still vague; who did we double-cross? You make him think that you're with him, and then you get him framed. Oh, brother. You know what you are? You're the answer to a prayer. You're what we wanted for Christmas. I want you to come inside and tell Nero Wolfe he's a double-crossing liar. Come on. Gus, I came here, I left my home with one purpose in mind, and that is to acquire a true orchid man, a man of Andy Krasicki's caliber. Now I ask you, can I have him in my plant rooms and in Sing Sing simultaneously? No, but I am asking you because you are a real orchid man. You understand. You know, Andy has told me that you are exceptlly talented. He did? And consider this: this this Lieutenant Noonan this man who arrested him. He is a man who uses the law to trample on the innocent! Yeah, Noonan beat up a friend of mine last year for nothing. For nothing exactly, for nothing. A typical uniformed blackguard. Gus, help me prove him wrong. Okay. All right. Anything. What do you want? All right, first, Miss Lauer. I gather that you you were not attracted by her. Me? Naw. Not that baby. She was out for a sucker. If I'd have known Andy had popped the question, I might've fumigated her myself just as a favor. That would have been an adequate motive for a friend. Uh, was she after money? Worse. She got her kicks seeing males react females, too. Neil Imbrie? Old enough to be her father, and her giving him the idea while his wife was watching. What about when his wife was not watching? Could Neil Imbrie have found heaven with Miss Lauer? And if he did, and if Miss Lauer taunted him by saying that she was going to marry Andy, and if Andy then A lot of ifs. He could have had that in him, sure. If she hooked him deep enough. Well, his his motive we can assume. Miss Imbrie's is implicit. Of course, women don't require motives that are comprehensible to my intellectual processes. You said it, man. They roll their own. What about Miss Pitcairn? I feel like I hate her. But I don't really know why. I guess it's because she says right out she hates men. So I hate her, just to even it up. Well, I need a scandalous fact about her. I mean, the worse the better. Is she a kleptomaniac? Is she a seducer of other women's husbands? A drug addict? She fights a lot. She fights a lot. Especially with her brother. She always knows best. But then, as far as he's concerned, that's a good thing, because God knows, he don't. Why, does he have complexes, too? The family says he's sensitive. I mean, they booted him out of Yale, Williams, Cornell, and some place out in Ohio. What for? No idea. Confound it! Don't you have any curiosity? Was it for women? Him? If he went to a nudist camp and they lined the men up on one side and the women on the other, he wouldn't know which was which. Ah, Donald. Oh, Gus, you're here. Yeah I'm here. I'm glad you got that settled. We wondered why it would take so long to pack Andy's things. Don't you think it'd be a good idea to get started? Yes, I do, yes. I'm glad that you came, Mr. Pitcairn. Perhaps this could provide an opportunity for you and I to have a little chat. Of course you're under no obligation. I- I don't feel like chatting. Ah, that was sensitive. That's him to a "T. " Papa told him to come and chase you out, and did you hear him? Yes yes. W- What about, uh Papa Pitcairn? I mean, I get the impression that he can tell a woman from a man. With his eyes shut, a mile off. You said like you have proof. He choked a girl once. Choked her to death? Oh, no, just choked her. But enough to leave marks, because I seen 'em. Her name's Florence Hefferan. See, Pitcairn was nuts about her and he thought the baby that she was going to have wasn't his. Oh Was this talked about? I mean, was it published? Perhaps in a newspaper or reported in a court proceeding? How could it get in a court when he paid $40,000 to keep it out? But her folks used to live in a shack over on Greasy Hill. Now they got a nice house and 30 acres down in the valley. Wolfe was looking as pleased as if someone had just presented him with 30 acres of orchids. What about Mrs. Pitcairn, his wife? Aw, she's all right. Forget her. Is she capable of carrying an object of 110 pounds into a greenhouse? Oh, hell, she broke her back. Andy's been going up to her room every day for orders only she don't give orders. She discusses things. only she don't give orders. S Ah, she discusses things with Andy. Gus, I advise you never to get into the detecting business. Tell me. Can you sketch a ground plan of this house both floors? Yeah. Thank you, Gus. Who the hell do you think you are? If that was a rhetorical question, Lieutenant, I I know who you are. You're some Broadway slickie who thinks he can come to Westchester and tell us the rules, eh? No, no get going! Come on, move out! Come, Archie. Where's your chauffeur's Goodwin? Come, Archie! Do not argue with him. Do not try to be witty. The man is an irresponsible maniac! Drive me straight to New York. Hope to see you soon, Gus. You can buffalo 'em in New York, but not here. We'll be following you to the county line. Don't make any quick turns or take any small roads. You hear me, Goodwin? Archie, drive carefully, please. They followed us to the Westchester County line as promised. I didn't care Wolfe's problem was that if he settled for getting home, Andy was cooked. Are they gone? Yeah. How can we get off this race course? Easy that's what a steering wheel is for. In about a mile. So he instructed me to get Saul to meet us at the Covered Porch Restaurant in Scarsdale. We'll meet Saul there. Give him a call. Tell him to come. Fritz would not believe that you were of sound mind and body and not coming home for dinner. Well, my purpose is to free Andrew Krasicki. And that is enough to keep me from going home, but I couldn't trust it to get me out again if ever I settled back in. Saul? What happened to you? What do you say? Would you look at this? We are going single file. I will be first. Saul will be second, Archie third. What about guns? What about guns? I want it A, B, C. When you're in the cell next to me and Andy, I don't want you booming at me that I bollixed it up because of the gun. So do I shoot and if so, when? No, there are too many eventualities. You just use your judgment tempered by experience. And what if somebody makes a dash for it? Stop him. And what if someone screams? Stop her. Shall I take the sandwiches? Shall I take them? I don't think we'll have time, Mr. Wolfe. Well? Well, I have no rubbers. I have no rubbers! Well, you got to go. Ow! Oh, sorry. Easy. Look out. Some kind of serpent! It was as if a serpent had entangled my legs. Okay, we're almost there. All right. I'm all right. Did you see that? Did you witness that? Saul? That was something, Mr. Wolfe. It's okay. It went for you. All right. Take my hand. Watch your step. Come on. Watch your step. All right, easy There it is. Uh okay. Let's see After we climbed two mountains and pushed our way through a thicket, we were surprised by a brook. I leapt like a tiger. Saul jumped like a college athlete. Wolfe chose not to test the laws of physics. Right here for you. That's it, almost there. Good job, Mr. Wolfe. There it is. Saul. Everyone hold it no one gets hurt! Don't you dare shoot! This is a criminal act! I don't think so. I had a key. Of course, Mr. Goodwin You're okay. flourishing his gun complicates matters a bit, I must admit. But all I want is a talk with you people. May I sit down? No! No! No! I must overrule you. I have just waded your confounded brook. Here are your alternatives. Either I remain here and am allowed a free hand at investigating Miss Lauer's ***, or I return to my office in New York. Correction: you go to jail! Well, if you insist, certainly. And then paid my bail, I will devote myself to freeing Mr. Krasicki and finding the true culprit. At least three newspapers will help by making the inmates of this house objects of inquiry. Certain facts which would never be put before a jury will become the valid concern of the press. Blackmail, hmm? The devil of it is, Miss Pitcairn, we all have a past. Take this case: I'm sure they will want to know if the marks have completely disappeared from Florence Hefferan'sthroat. You filthy, fat louse! Hey! Not I, Miss Pitcairn. This is the inexorable miasma of ***. They will surely want to know why you have decided that you hate men. They will ask Donald if he left Yale, Williams and Cornell because the curriculum didn't suit him, or was it because the dean deemed him to be a violent, irrational lunatic! Unfortunately, at this point Donald's mood changed a bit. No! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Just go back upstairs! Belle! Go back upstairs, Belle. I'm ordering you! Oh, my darling! How much have you hurt him?! Ah, he'll be sore a day or two shouldn't be too bad. Mr. Wolfe. I have money of my own. I'm willing to give you $50,000 if you will protect us from the sort of thing you've just described. Belle! I was liking this more and more. We now had our pick of going to jail or taking 50 grand. How can I protect both Mr. Krasicki and you people when one of you is a murderer? No, I'm sorry. I did not go home for dinner! I fought my way through a snowstorm at night! No. I am going to remain here until I am allowed to investigate or Well I told you the alternative. I tried Sir, this is contemptible. But if you wish, inquire. Thank you. Please bring in the Imbries. Once the Imbries arrived, Wolfe sent me to the greenhouse to wring out his socks not a very pleasant job. Saul, you awake? Yeah. Well, then, go. As a diversion, he invited them all to the kitchen, to show him where Mrs. Imbrie had kept her morphine. He acted as if he expected to tell from their faces which one had snitched it to dope Dini Lauer. This is completely ridiculous. Let us begin. I fully expect you to lie. A fool could solve a case if everyone told the truth. Mr. Imbrie, did you ever hold Dini Lauer in your arms? Yes. What? You did? When? Once, i- in this room because I thought she wanted me to. And she knew my wife was watching us and I didn't. That's a lie! That's the spirit! We'll all confess to everything. If you want to, lead the way So there it was. The first crack out of the box and he had one of them calling another a liar. I'm not saying it was dull, but it went on for over two hours, and at the end we didn't know much more than at the beginning. But then, we had a plan. Archie, are my socks dry? I'm going to bed. This is a farce! It it is a farce? It's not a farce because of me, sir. It's a farce because of you. My position is clear: I am your dangerous and implacable enemy. Who's that? Saul heard his cue and arrived. Sit down! He's with us. And he doesn't bite. Sit down, I said. Did you find anything significant, Saul? Yes, sir. I think so. Thank you. Archie. Your gun. Yeah, it's already out. I was not satisfied with the thoroughness with which the police searched the house. So, Mr. Saul Panzer, whose talents are exceptional, has been completing the job. And it proved me right. Where did you find this, Saul? Under Mr. and Mrs. Imbrie's mattress. What is it? It's a sheet of paper. The writing is ink, and I would judge the hand to be feminine. It is dated last night. It says: "Dear Mr. Pitcairn, I suppose now I never call you Joe, as you wanted me to. "As I told you, I think your gift to me should be $20,000. "You have been so very sweet, but I have been sweet, too, and I really think I deserve the $20,000. " It is signed "Dini. " Of course, it can be authenticated. I- I-I never saw it! I- I-I never That's why you didn't let me marry her? You say I was no man! I was a man with her! From the very start. And you wouldn't let me! Donald She was going away. Now I know why! Darling! And if I could kill her, I can kill you, too! I can! I can! I! No! No! Give him to me. Oh, my boy. Oh, my boy. If Andy hadn't been leaving, he wouldn't have asked Dini to marry him and she wouldn't have run to torment Donald about it. His first and only romance, and she laughs at him. That right there was what put poor little Donald into a mood to ***. Mr. Archer? Yes, it's Nero Wolfe. As predicted, I have your murderer. We are at Pitcairn House. Come and bring Mr. Andrew Krasicki with you from wherever you have him falsely imprisoned. I wish to take him home with me tonight. Not so fast, Wolfe. Let's have the letter. Where is it? Here. You can't burn that! That's evidence! Why not? I wrote it. Like hell you did. That was evidence, and by God, I'm gonna see you in jail. Phooey. No one saw it. No one saw it. It could have been a blank piece of paper I pretended to read from. Oh, you Perhaps it was. My son. My son My son. My son Mr. Krasicki is a woman's son, too, madam. Oh, please Shh, Mommy. Mommy, shh I didn't think he had it in him.