Funny Ritchie's Bizarre Stand - Up @ absolute comedy

Oh man let me tell you about this next guy ladies and gentleman The next performer loves pigeons - laughter He failed grade two which was the highlight of his life He recently won a gold metal for most memory loss Ladies and gentleman welcome to the stage ritchie - clapping Oh thank you for coming I appreciate it I've um I have a shy *** - laughter - laughter When I go into the restroom we always play hide and seek - laughter So I called 911 and says I like to report a missing *** - laughter And she says oh we know where he is He's at tim hortons and he's getting the roll up the rim And he wants to win a car for you And I said oh thanks - laughter When I was in grade two The teacher said what do you want to be when you grow up? And then up the hand I want to be nurse I want to be a carpenter I want to be a teacher And she turns to me and says what do you want to be ritchie? I said I want to be a carrier pigeon a carrier pigeon - laughter That's not feasible she said what's your second? I says I want to make coffins coffins - laughter Pigeons um don't like um kentucky fried chicken And they're scared of mayor ford Because they think he will feed them crack *** and get them drunk - laughter So so you know pigeons they know about mayor ford - laughter Recently I completed a red cross course and cpr and first aid I'm really happy I did because I was walking down the street And I seen a dead pigeon - laughter I says how you o.k. pigeon? - laughter I know cpr and first aid um can I help you? No response - Laughter So I called 911 and um I applied compressions 1001 1002 1003 And it didn't work So good thing I had a defibrillator on me - laughter Um I attached to the pigeon and pressed the button And boom the pigeon was flying up in the air and it was in flames - laughter And feathers everywhere wires and batteries - laughter And I felt kind of stupid because I realized it was a toy pigeon - laughter And um I um... I felt sad - laughter Maybe that's why I failed grade two? - laughter I um recently quit my job because um my manager crept up on me And she bit my neck I said what are you doing? I said o.k. I'm quiting I don't want to be a vampire anymore - laughter I'm quitting this job - laughter So I flew out of the cave and I'm sitting in ttc ttc bus and walks in a pigeon - laughter He was walking in front of me And I said ho this guy is brave - laughter Not scared at all Um I um in rome ancient rome - laughter The romans you know if they wanted to go to the washroom They would go to the collisium Because that's where the best restrooms were - laughter And they would go on a marble bench and they would sit down And they would talk with total strangers It was like a facebook thing - laughter And um when they wanted to wipe themselves at the end They would get a long pole and they had a little sponge at the end They would go like this - laughter And um the very wealthiest riches romans They would use their servants as toilet paper and um - laughter jesus walked on water - laughter - laughter And next day they had to organize a search party for him - laughter And next day they had to organize a search party for him - laughter And um physically they couldn't find him but spiritually he's still here Thank you! - clapping cheering That's ritchie Oh man