Growing Pains S2E6 - English Transcript

"O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon that monthly changes in her circled orb lest that thy love prove likewise variable. " [LISPING] "What shall I swear by?" [SNORING] Hey, we're trying to do a little Romeo and Juliet here. We don't need no insensitive jerk messing it up. -Sorry, coach. -All right. Go back to the part where Romeo was "thwearing. " [BELL RINGING] Okay, people, remember next week we have a major exam on all of Shakespeare's sonnets. So you better know your assonance from your elbows. Are you coming, Carol, or what? Where are sensitive men like Romeo nowadays? Men who aren't afraid to cry. All we have are insensitive jocks. Do you think Tom Cruise cries? Tom Cruise can do anything he wants. Seaver? Yes, Mr. Lubbock? Seaver, I'm going to say something to you that may shock you. But in this class I consider you my equal. Well, what I mean is, is that if I had a question about Shakespeare and I had a choice of either asking him or you, I'd ask you. Well, thank you. And it has nothing to do with the fact that he ran around in tights all the time. The point is, is that I need your help. It's no secret that I wouldn't be teaching this class if Mrs. Orbo hadn't gone a little bit flaky, if you know what I mean. But there's a kid who's flunking the class who shouldn't be and I kind of blame myself. So I was wondering if maybe you could tutor him. Well, I never really thought of myself as a teacher. Hey, who has? So, what do you say? Okay, I'll give it a shot. Aw, yeah. Hey, Bobby. -The jock? -Yo, coach. Bobby, Seaver here is gonna help you through all that Shakespeare stuff. All right. Now, look, you do everything she says, because if you don't pass, you don't play. It ain't gonna do you no good to come crying your eyes out to me like you did last year. I don't think we ever really met, I'm Bobby Winnet. I know. And you're Carol, the Brain. I know. -You actually cried last year? -Yeah. Groin pull. JASON: Hello? It's not one of your mental patients, Dad, it's just me. You're home early, Ben. Yeah, my teacher got food poisoning from the tuna surprise in the cafeteria. She was surprised, all right. Is she okay? I guess. One minute Mrs. Cutter was reading us The Little Fish That Could and the next minute she was ralphing out the window. Hey, Dad, ask me how school went today. -I'm afraid to. -It went great, Dad. We had this pop quiz in health class and I got, are you ready for this? An A. -An A? Congratulations. -Yeah. We had to like list the four basic food groups. And I got every single one of them right. Wow. Those two hours of studying really paid off, Dad. -Hi, Dad. -Hi. Mike, you're home. Ben, you're home too? Dad, would you make Mike take Ben someplace? -Any place in particular? -Beijing would be good. All of a sudden you don't want us around? It's not sudden. -Carol. -Oh, no, no, I get it, Dad. She's probably got one of her oh-so-brainy friends coming over. And she's afraid that we'll embarrass her. Which, of course, we will. It's none of your business who I've got coming over. Well, being ashamed of your brothers is not nice. Yeah. [BURPS] Could've been worse. Which one of you wants to come with me to pick up your mom? Free ice cream. Let's roll. And I don't want you to be bothering your sister when her little friend is here. Hey, no sweat, Dad. [HUMMING] Mike, why don't you go someplace and count your brain cell. What is it with you? Who's coming over? The Geek Queen of Dewey High? It's none of your business. Oh, I get it. This isn't just like a she-geek. This is a he-geek, isn't it? You're ***. I knew it, I knew it. So who is it? Like, a hunk from the Chess Club? A total babe from the Honor Society? For your information, it happens to be the captain of the varsity football team. -Bobby Winnet? -Yeah. Wait, wait a minute. Bobby Winnet is coming over here to see you? Yeah. Why? [DOORBELL RINGS] -There, see? -Um, hello? Yo, Bobby, my man. How in the heck are you doing, bro? Fine, Mark, right? Yeah, yeah, that's what my close friends call me. So, Carol, where do you wanna study? A-ha! So that explains why you'd be over here seeing her. Well, how about my room? There will be fewer stupid interruptions. Your parents won't mind? Oh, we're the only ones here. Except for Mark, of course. Bobby, I don't know why Romeo didn't try CPR on Juliet before he killed himself. I mean, the guy doesn't even check a pulse before he does himself in. Bobby, the play is over 400 years old. It's a classic. Look, to you geniuses it may make sense that Juliet gets some drug from a priest so she can run off with a guy who's too stupid to pick up the phone and call a doctor. But to a guy like me, it's sheep dip. You're calling Shakespeare sheep dip? If I was Romeo and you were Juliet and I really had it bad for you there's nothing nobody would say to get in the way. Not my family, not your family, nobody. By the time those people looked for us we'd be in my pickup halfway to Jersey. Sorry, I lost my temper. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me. Guess I'm too sensitive. It's okay. I really didn't want it anymore, anyway. This tutoring stuff's a bad idea. My head's too thick. No, no, no, understanding Shakespeare is a very difficult thing to do. You know, when I first read his plays, I was lost for months. Ruined my entire sixth grade year. You read this stuff in the sixth grade? I'm weird, okay? No, no, no, you're smart. Boy, spending this much time with me must really be boring for you, huh? Not really. -So where were we? -Everybody was dead. Dinner in half an hour, Ben. Tuna surprise. [BEN YELLING] MIKE: Hey, guys. Hey, Mike. Dad told me about your A in health. JASON: Yeah. Come on, Mike, let's hear those four basic food groups. Maybe later, Dad. I'm gonna shoot a few, okay? Where's Carol? Upstairs in her bedroom with a football player. Football player? Our son has a very weird sense of humor. Oh, yeah, little Carol. -Bye, Mom, Dad, this is Bobby. -Pleased to meet you. The football player? Yeah, you heard of me? Yeah, I just didn't believe it. Carol, what's going on here? I'm tutoring Bobby. Oh, well, that makes sense. Yeah, Carol's translating this Shakespeare guy into English. Nice to meet you, Bobby. The pleasure was extinctly mine, Mrs. Seaver. -Mr. Seaver. -Yo, football. Oh, Carol, I'll see you tomorrow? Thanks again. -Nice boy. -Yeah. -Certainly was polite. -Yeah. -And cute. -Yeah. You're doing great, Maggie. So, what do you think of him? Oh, Mom, I'm just tutoring him. He's not my type, okay? I swear, I don't know where you ever get the idea I'd be attracted to body-- Bobby. No reason to get excited, honey. So you were alone in your bedroom with a boy, so what? If there's anybody we can trust in a situation like that, it's you. That's right, honey. -You trust me? -You bet. What a rotten thing for you to say. I mean we have faith in you. Why does everybody always think I'm gonna do the right thing? So you're saying that you're interested in Bobby? Haven't you heard a word I've said? He has none of the qualities I would look for in a boy. Well, what are those qualities? He'd have to be an intellectual, at least as smart as I am, if not smarter. He'd have to be sensitive and vulnerable with a full understanding of the universe and our place in it. Well, we're safe. She's eliminated everybody but Carl Sagan. "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the ea--" What do you want? Can you explain what that means? Well, it's an analogy, wherein Shakespeare likens the presence of Juliet to that of the rising sun, you chucklehead. [BELL RINGING] Okay, I want you to read the first act of Much Ado About Nothing. And be prepared to talk about what all the ado is about. Oh, great, more homework. It's only Tuesday and I'm already getting behind. Speaking of getting behind, anybody wanna go watch the boys' swim team practice after school? That is so dumb. Carol, don't you ever have any fun? -I'll see you after school at your place. -Okay. -She does. -She does. So, like, what is this Bobby Winnet situation? There's no situation. I'm just tutoring him. Oh, well, that figures. And what is that supposed to mean? Well, I don't know. Oh, come on, Carol, don't have a cow. Everybody knows you're. Immaculate. Immaculate? You know, wholesome. Oh, there are worse things to be like fat. Well, for your information Bobby and I did our studying all evening in my bedroom. And the subject was Romeo and Juliet, if you get my meaning. And maybe I don't have to ogle the boys' swim team and act like a little girl when I can be a woman at home. Whoa! Carrie, Carrie, Carrie, guess what. Carol Seaver spent the night with Bobby, the Bod. Really? -Hello? -It's me, Dad, your favorite kid. Oh, well, come on in, Carol. Hardy-har-har-har. So how was school today? Okay. Dad, we got big trouble. Mike, what happened to you? You'll have to leave. Me and Dad got man talk. What am I, a Muppet? -Mike, you look like you've been in a fight. -Oh, yeah. -Who with? -My sixth period speech class. You fought the whole class? I don't know. I was on the bottom of the pile. My fight is not important right now, neither is my suspension. You were suspended? Yeah, look, all right. At the start of class, Eddie comes up to me and asks if I heard the news. I say, "What news?" He says, "About Carol. " Well, you know me, I'm always ready for a good Carol nerd story. Then he starts saying this disgusting stuff about Carol. So I keep smiling, see, waiting for the punchline. Only he's not kidding. I don't know what happened. The next thing I know, I was punching Eddie out. I was in there swinging and kicking. I couldn't figure out why I was so angry. I mean, here I was, getting all busted up protecting Carol. I must have been delirious. Wait a minute, what were they saying about Carol? Well, that she's been sleeping with Bobby Winnet right up in her own room. -That doesn't even make any sense. -Yeah, tell me about it. If Bobby wants to start a rumor, pick someone like Sheena Berkowitz. -Now with her, I'd believe-- -Hey, Mike. -Are you sure Bobby said this? -Yes, Dad. Look, I don't think you should let him come over here. Well, he's upstairs with Carol right now. You hold him, I'll work him over. Mike, I'll talk to him, all right? Hi, am I too late for the man talk--? Were you in a fight? Not just a fight, a brawl. Yeah, protecting his sister's good name. Yeah, nobody badmouths that geek when I'm around. "Then have my lips the sin that they have took. " Now, Juliet means that Romeo's first kiss, the sin, should be taken back by Romeo. Sounds like she's scamming him for another kiss? -Exactly. -All right. Okay, here. "Sin from my lips? O tresp-- -Tresp-- -Trespass. Trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again. " -So he gets the message, right? -Right. And then they kiss. Restating their love. Even though they're from two different worlds. -Carol? -Yes? You're really smart. Lucky me. No, I mean, it's nice. I never hung out with a smart girl before. It's interesting. The stock market is interesting. I mean, it's kind of nice. Nice is nice. There's this theater that's showing Romeo and Juliet. And I was wondering if you had nothing to do, maybe you and I, we could-- Mom, Dad. I hope we aren't interrupting anything. Afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Seaver. -Bobby, I wanna have a word with you. -Dad, what are you doing? And I'd like a word with you, Carol. This is so embarrassing. Bobby, my office? -Sure. -You can take your books. Mother, do you have any idea what you have just done? -I certainly-- -You have ruined my entire life. I don't think you understand what's going on here. I'll tell you what's going on. The captain of the football team, the pride of the Dewey *** was in the middle of asking me out. Me, Carol "The Brain" Seaver. Honey, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Bobby isn't as nice as he might seem. -How would you know? -He's saying terrible things about you. What are you talking about? He's been telling people all over school that while you two were supposed to be studying you slept together. He's telling? I don't want someone who would spread those rumors about my daughter in this house. Well, Mom I think we have a problem then. Well? -Well, what? -Explain yourself. Oh, you mean, like where I was born? What position I play? No, I'm talking about what you said at school yesterday. What do you mean? The lie you told. Oh, how did you know? Everyone knows. Okay, I didn't really read Moby ***. The library has these old comic books called Classic Illustrated. -And all I did was just-- -I'm talking about Carol. Oh, I bet she read it. She's read everything. I just said it to Debbie and Shelley. I mean, I never thought they'd go blabbing all over the whole school with it. Forget about Debbie and Shelley. I'd like to. I mean, how could they do that? How could they believe something like that? -Because they heard it from you. -Mom, don't defend them. Carol, how could you start a rumor like that about--? It is a rumor, isn't it? Of course it is, Mom. I mean. Everybody knows that decent, responsible, immaculate Carol wouldn't dare do a thing like that. Then why? I don't know. Carol, that's a Mike answer, I expect a little more from you. What am I, a saint? Why do you always have to say, "Mike, why can't you be more like your sister?" Why does every teacher I've ever had put me in charge when they leave the classroom? Why is it that I'm the one always to be elected a recording secretary? Oh, honey, those are all good things. I just wish that every once in a while, it would be nice to be thought of as dangerous. Provocative? Yes. Sexy? Yes. The kind of girl that should never be allowed to study in her bedroom with a hunk. Yes. Have you noticed Bobby's cute bottom? Mom. Well, am I wrong? No. You know, honey, you're gonna have to clear up this rumor at school. Oh, yeah. Do you think it could wait a couple days? Bobby, I'm gonna phone your parents. -Why? -Why? You told anybody who would listen that you and Carol-- -Studied together. -What? Was I supposed to keep that a secret? Jason, it's all right. -Hold on. -Hold off. -But he-- -Didn't do-- -But I-- -Anything. Trust me. Bobby, Carol�s waiting to finish your lesson. In the living room. Thanks for not calling my folks, Mr. Seaver. I promise, first thing tomorrow, I'm gonna read Moby *** cover to cover. -Hi. -Hi. You have a very strange family. Oh, they seem pretty normal to me. Okay, where were we? Oh, yeah. You were saying something about Romeo and Juliet, the movie? -I was gonna ask you if you'd like-- -I'd love to. -I'm gonna go and get ready. -Why? You look incredible. I mean, what time are you gonna be picking me up? -An hour? -Fine, I may change too. Carol I think you're real neat. Hey, nobody says that about my sister. Hmm. "Shakespeare. Macbeth. Out, out, damned spot. " Oh, so the guy had a dog.