Family Sees How to Help Avoid a Bad Divorce

How Can Family Help Family Avoid Conflict, and a Bad Divorce? If your family member is considering or facing Divorce, they need serious help. How do we know? Because too many people make bad divorce decisions everyday -- hurting their families. How can Family help? First, remember many people who rush into Divorce regret it. Almost always, they regret it when it's too late to stop it. So the first thing you can do is help your family member see if there is a way to Save the Marriage. Encourage Counseling -- even if the marriage can't be saved. Counselors or therapists can help stressed people deal with the stress, and see how to act peacefully. Too many couples engage in unnecessary, hostile Conflict -- hurting their families. You don't have to take my word for it your Family member needs help to avoid conflict. I asked a local Family Court Judge, with 30 years' experience in family law, how can Family help Family Members facing divorce? She said, "Family needs to understand court is not the best place to resolve family problems. Family needs to stop giving the impression they need to blame the Ex-. If Family can't blame the Ex-, Family feels the need to blame their Family Member. The Family Member who is divorcing gets that message loud and clear. So Family often appears -- consciously or not -- to instigate or encourage Conflict." Conflict often starts with 1 Spouse publically blaming and criticizing the Ex-. In official Court records. In other words, for all the world to see the accusations. The accused Ex- will want or need to defend themselves -- so the accused Ex- blames or criticizes the Ex- who started the Conflict. The Couple goes back and forth -- blaming, criticizing, and trying to hurt each other. If 1 feels they lost a Court battle -- they try to create a Court battle they can win. The Cycle of Conflict grows and grows -- and before you know it, the Conflict becomes an escalating Vicious Cycle of Conflict that neither Ex- can control or stop. And if there are children, the children become the innocent victims. You don't have to take our Family Court Judge's word for it that too much hostile Conflict happens in Family Court. Walk into any nearby busy family court room and watch. You'll see people hurting each other -- and not able to see what they're doing. Divorces can spin out of control without the right help -- hurting the ones you love. What else can You do to help your loved one avoid Conflict? Our experienced Family Court Judge had the answers -- and the explanations why. Fortunately, as the leader of the local Family Law Specialists, it was part of my job to work with the local Family Court judges to improve the service of justice to people in Family Court. So I was in a position to ask for the answers. So I asked our Family Court Judge what else Family and Couples themselves could do to see how to avoid unnecessary, harmful Conflict. Our experienced Family Court Judge said People can't see we have certain limitations. People can't see we can't solve all their problems. We don't have the time, ability, or resources to micro-manage their lives. We can't transform either Parent into a Good Parent. We can't transform a bad person into a good person. All we can do is try to minimize harm, try to meet basic needs. When a family fractures, the fracture creates huge emotional injuries. We try to put a big Bandaid on the biggest problems, And we hope the Bandaid works long enough for the family to heal. Sometimes the emotional injuries become infected -- or get poked too much -- and all hell breaks loose. If people really want to solve their problems, they should at least try Mediation. I'm talking about Private Mediation -- not any Mediation the Court may require. Mediation is voluntary -- either person can leave at anytime. Mediation is private -- you don't have to worry about the discussions becoming public. Mediation is flexible -- you can make agreements and get things you want that no Court could give you. With as much detail and micro-managing as you both want. One caveat: Mediation is not appropriate where there is Domestic Violence or Harmful Abuse or Excessive Control or Manipulation. In those cases, you need to help your Family Member protect themselves and any children. When you make agreements and put them in written orders or decrees -- Both people are far more likely to comply. We've all heard horror stories about people, especially parents, disobeying Court Orders that the Court imposes. A voluntary agreement can fix all those problems. And give each person -- and their Children -- what they need. The Judge and I agreed too many Couples can't see the things that the Judge said they needed to know. Since I know 80% of us learn better with a visual presentation -- that makes a lasting impression on our brain -- I put together this Diagram to help Family help Family. Don't get overwhelmed by how many ideas are in this Diagram -- You don't have to do all these things. I included more ideas so you'll find it easier to pick 1 or 2 key things you can do to help. If you can do 1 or 2 of these helping actions -- especially early on -- you can help your loved one. Please see what You can do to help your Family member facing divorce see how to decide right. Your Family Member will never forget it, and you may help them avoid a Tragedy. If they have children, you can save the children from A lifetime -- or a long time -- of great pain, anger, confusion, and resentment. Thank you."