Californication S4E9 - English Transcript

1 Previously, on Californication What? You guys are doing it now? It's none of your business. It should be pretty cut and dry. You plead guilty to unlawful *** conduct, the statutory *** charge goes away. Nice work, ***. Deal's off. No fair. Indian givers. I'm dropping the case, leaving the opportunity for you to find an attorney who suits your particular personality. Look around. Welcome to rock bottom. I live in this ***, filthy hotel room. You hate me. Becca hates me. My attorney dumped me. - I'll be your attorney again. - Really? - You will? - Yes. No more sex. I'm Peggy, your real estate agent. You're such a *** ***. Ow! What the ***? You can choke me if you want to. So what if you knocked up one of these slunts? I would present her with a gift card entitling the bearer to one back-alley abortion. I'm pregnant. Oh, God, Stu. Jesus. I'm gonna be a father! No. Stu! Here's to Hank Moody Versus the state of California. Up yours. And here's to you keeping my black *** out of San Quentin. I'll do my utmost. And the devil take the hindmost. Remember, when you're up there on the stand and the prosecutor asks you I am not a crook. That's good. I am not a crook. All right, all right. You're sick of all the prep. I understand. I got it. I am sick of it, yes, but I'm also nervous. - I am. - Yeah, you should be. Yeah, I just hope I don't get the squirts up on the stand. Well, me too. Nervous shitters are almost always found guilty. I would imagine. How about you? - You nervous at all? - No. I used to be. ***, I used to blow chunks the night before every first day in court. No, that's hot. Yeah. I wish I had been there to hold your hair back and *** your ***. Oh, how you talk. Well, but I've been doing this a long time now. I've lost the butterflies. Yeah. Well, it's been an interesting ride. That is one way to put it. Thanks for sticking it out with me. You're quite welcome. Do you want to, uh Come upstairs and have a nightcap? I've got the swellest little honor bar in town. That's a nice try. Oh, come on. Can you blame a guy? It's the Friday before the Monday I stand trial for crimes against humanity. A man might be craving some company. Some of your sweet, intelligent company. Get a massage, a facial. Stop teasing me with your dirty talk. I'll see you Monday. Bright and early with liberty and justice for all. Hang in there. I'm good at this. How can I help you, sir? My key has failed me, m'lady. Henry James Moody. The third. Yes, Mr. Moody. There's just the matter of the bill. What's the matter with it? Well, it would appear that the credit card company is not accepting your charges. Oh, well, that *** happens. Between you and me, I'm pretty *** solvent right now. I made a hundy large last week. - Oh, good for you, sir. - For doing nothing, literally. A fourth-grader could have stepped in for me. America. It's a great *** country, huh? Great. So can we put this on my tab or you want to give my agent a call? You're not gonna throw me out on my *** over some piddly little sum, are you? Well What are we talking about here? - What do I owe? - Let's see. Here we go. Roughly, uh, $25,000 and some change. Well, *** my face. HeySweetie. Don't you just love the fresh sea air? What are you doing? Credit card snafu at the hotel. I couldn't get in touch with Uncle Runkle and I didn't want to wake you guys up. You couldn't find a *** to take you in? Hey now. What's wrong with communing with nature, sleeping under the stars? There's bird *** on your shoulder. Oh, look at that. Yuck. So there is. Did you drink and drive? In that order? Come in. Uh, I don't think that's such a good idea, Bex. - Your mom - She said it was okay. Well, in that case. Oh, God. I can't believe this. I can't believe I'm deflowering my own little brother. Believe it, sister Christian. Keepin' it in the family. - Oh, my. - Taboo-style. Oh, my own brother inside me. This is so *** wrong! So wrong, my sexy sibling. Oh, we shared a crib. So very, very wrong. *** me, flesh and blood! *** me. Mom and dad would not like this one little bit, would they? Oh, no. Mom and dad. What if they come home early from Mammoth? Uh Mom and dad were Mom and dad were killed recently in an unfortunate car crash. Oh! Oh, your virginity is mine, brother Runkle! You getting close, by any chance? Did you *** already? A couple minutes back, yeah. I thought I could power through the next ***. My bad. Oh. Hmm. I don't mind, Charlie. Easing you pleases me. Please me you do, my fantasy sister. I want to fulfill all of your fantasies, Charlie. I know you've got a lot of sick, twisted stuff going on in that dome of yours and I want to make it all come true. Good to know. Do you want to watch me have sex with another man? Not really. Maybe. Runkle-haus. Ugh. It's your ex. Marcy? Who the hell was that? A little busy here, Marce. What can I do you for? Stu and I would like to have you over for dinner tonight. Well, I can't do it tonight. I got reservations at Mozza. What about sometime next week? Look, I know it's last-minute and all, but, uh, Stu's been after me ever since I moved in here to have you over, so Yeah, why? So he can rub my nose in the opulent lifestyle I could never give you? Hardly. Stu is all about looking to the future. He says it's what mature adults do. Okay, okay. Fine. I guess I can switch some things around. Can I bring a date? Consider yourself plus one. Gotta go. So is there any anything new I need to know about? Latest developments? Any news I need to be kept abreast of? He said, "breast." He did. "Breast." Well, you know, actually, um I could use some money. I mean, we have a mortgage to pay. Yeah, but I don't live here anymore. You kicked me out, remember? Excuse me? No, the check's in the mail. Honestly. Despite the great unpleasantness, I've been doing quite well financially, so. That's why you got kicked out of your hotel? That was just a credit card snafu, honey. Turns out it's really expensive to live in a hotel. But I'm doing fine, sweetie. Your father is a big-time wordsmith. Great, so you can buy me a car. You don't know how to drive. Great, so you can teach me. Where is this coming from? Pearl's learning how to drive right now. Ben's teaching her. He's gonna get her a car too. Get a load of black Jesus. Does he turn water into whiskey too? Heal the sick? Yeah, he does, huh? Whatever. I don't know how I feel about you behind the wheel. What do you think? Yeah, I could teach her. You're a terrible driver. - I am not. - Yes, you are. You're like an Asian woman with Alzheimer's. No arms or legs. Steering with your tongue. Whoops. You just fell over. What are you gonna do now? You see that? No, that was horrible. - We still got it - You are so stupid. That family chemistry. The Cosbys, the Huxtables, the Mansons, they got nothing on us. No, no. You stay. You were the architect of this sumptuous feast and I will be the boy that buses the *** out of it. Ooh, ooh. Whoa. Don't laugh, 'cause you'll just encourage him. Hey, whoa. Okay. Yeah. I've lost feeling in my ***. All right. Okay. Well, that's totally normal. Not really. You hear that? Blackie's in pain. Poor Blackie's just crying. - Did I break it? - No, no, no, no, babe. - Just throw it in neutral. - Nuh-uh. That's it. I don't want to learn to drive anymore. It's too hard. Honey, you might want to reconsider. L.A. is not known for the quality of its public transportation. There is nothing wrong with the big blue bus. What? You want her sandwiched between some guy with teardrop tattoos and an old lady that smells like cat food and menstrual blood? Why would an old woman smell like menstrual blood? Well Because he never thinks before he opens his mouth. That may be true, but crazy people do ride the bus and maybe she smells of menstrual blood because the homeless *** two seats away from her just threw her *** at her. - Oh, my God. - Ever think of that? - Yeah. - I think I'm going to throw up. Do it all over his car. Come on, ladies. Where's the love? We got to try to find it. This way, we're never gonna make it to parallel parking. Okay, now throw it in neutral. Come on, step on the clutch. Left. Left! Why would you cross over? It's the left foot. Right foot that's it. Keep it on the gas. No, not on it. Now, just keep hovering. Deserves a holiday ♪ in the sun ♪ almost every day ♪ till the lions are off ♪ of their backs ♪ ♪ ♪ After you. Thank you. - Hey. - Hey, welcome. - Hi. - Stu. Thank you, Charlie. Okay. Yes. This is Peggy and, Peggy, you remember Marcy? Hi, Peggy. PeggyOur real estate agent. It's not what you think, Marcy. We're really more like brother and sister. Okay. This place is absolutely amazing. Let me guess. Oh, close. '57. I'd love a tour. Oh, be a pleasure. Like the gal, Runkle. Seems like a keeper. Over here. - Ooh. - Yeah. You're dating our realtor? If by dating, you mean entering her on a semi-regular basis, then, yes. Delightful. I'm so glad to hear the *** parade continues. What? I don't deserve a little post-divorce happiness? Excuse me. We can't all have a rich boyfriend with a legendary ***. Is it serious? With Peggy? Who knows? I'm taking it day by day. Wouldn't want to rush into anything. I likes me my freedom. Was that a jab at me? A little one. I mean, this whole business with Stu sort of came out of nowhere, don't you think? I don't know what you to tell you, Charlie. The heart wants. Well, this heart wants freedom from responsibility and an abundance of strange. That's where I'm at. Okay, I'll be getting out of your hair. That's okay. You could stay the weekend. It's good for Becca. - You sure? - Yeah. I mean, that way we get to make sure that you go to court on Monday. You see that? You're always thinking about me. - Mm-hmm. - Much appreesh. Why don't I make you some dinner? Well, there's an empty offer. You can't cook. Excuse me? What do you call cheese sensation? A coronary in a casserole dish. All right, then you go ahead and make something all organic and healthy and vegetarian and ***, and I'll pick out a movie for us to watch. I'm going out. - Oh. - Mm-hmm. - Out out? - I guess. Like out-on-a-date out? Um, dinner out. Cool Hand Ben? With Ben, yes, and if you're gonna give me *** about it, you can leave right now. No, I won't. I have grown a lot since breakfast. So are you guys, like, officially dating now? We're not officially anything except friends. Friends who go out to dinner on a Saturday night and you're all gussied up. But that doesn't quite do it justice, 'cause you look beautiful. He's a lucky guy. Thank you. I wish I were him. And not just because I always wanted to be black Or it'd be a nice escape from being me, which is getting pretty old right about now, but because it reminds me of when we first started dating and I would knock on your door and in the time between you answering, I would try to imagine what you were gonna look like. And when you did, you'd be, like, ten times more beautiful than I could ever imagine. Stop it. And I'd get this funny feeling in my stomach because you'd look at me with all this hope in your eyes instead of disappointment, which is what I see now. Yeah, like I said. Lucky guy. What's up? Benjamin. - Henry. - Nice. Pearl, respect. Papa Moody. Yeah, that still *** me out. So, um, we shouldn't be, you know, late. Go have fun, you kids. I'll keep an eye on these rapscallions. Maybe they'd be safer keeping an eye on themselves. All right, well, then they can keep an eye on me. Hey, you ladies want to do anything? Who's up for a game of hypodermic needle darts? I said hypodermic needle darts for the children. Go on, ladies. Dig in. This stuff will clog your arteries, but it'll also put hair on your chest. You'll thank me later. Kind of looks like an autopsy. Yes, but it tastes like America. So what do you freaks want to do? Do you want to catch a movie or something? You want to get your High School Musical on? Those movies are awful, dad. Yeah, thanks for trying, but that's not really what the kids are into. Tell me what the kids are into. Take me to school, ladies. Pretty much getting *** up and searching the net for stupid ***. That sound pretty good. That sounds like the modern equivalent of hanging out in front of the 7-Eleven and waiting for something to happen, which I did the *** out of in my youth, but I can't endorse in you youngsters. How about some, uh Ooh, American Idol? - Dad - What? Do we look like the kind of girls who are into American Idol? No, not so much. Actually, you look like girls who would hurt girls who are into American Idol. Aww, he gets us. Actually, we were just gonna hang out and write a song. Wow. That sounds totally cool. - Can I watch? - No. Yeah, that's not cool. You can't write in front of an audience. Oh. We'll play it for you when we're done. Excellent. That's a deal. This is not my best batch. Yeah, it kind of tastes like ***. Not the good kind either. Come on. Let's go. And that, my friends, is the real reason Midnight Cowboy was given an "X" rating. Fascinating stuff, Stu. You should really write a book. I could sell that *** in a heartbeat. No, no. Enough about me. I believe my dear Marcy has something she would like to share. Oh, no. Tell 'em the one about Marisa Tomei and what she really did to get that Oscar. No, no, no, no, no. Enough about the past. Let's talk about the future. This is a night to celebrate beginnings. Don't you think, Marcy? Beginnings? Would anybody like more wine? No, no. No. Okay. Ahem. Life is a *** up thing. *** happens. One day you're up and another you're down. - Marcy? Marcy? - What? - The wine. - What? - Wine. - Hmm? The baby! Jesus! What are you looking at? Apparently, I'm looking at a pregnant woman. I'm so sorry, Marcy. No, it's fine. Okay, so now you know. Stu done knocked me up. I am indeed with child. Shout it from the rooftops. Are you keeping it? What the *** kind of question is that? What? Of course we're keeping it. The Beggs' name will live on thanks to the welcoming confines of Marcy's blessed womb. How is this even possible? Charlie, we wanted to let you know before you found out somewhere else. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Well, that was quick. Who knew you were such a fertile myrtle, Marce? You don't seem exactly happy for us, Charlie. Me? I'm ecstatic. Why shouldn't I be happy that my ex-wife and her new boyfriend of six weeks are expecting a child? Mazel-***-tov. Really. Hey, Becca, will you get that? Becca? Hello? Becca? Becca? Becca. You okay, Pearl? Pearl! Pearl. - You okay? - Baby. You're okay? You sure? What the *** happened? They took my keys and snuck out. I thought you were keeping an eye on them. I dozed. Which has nothing to do with the *** on your breath, right? Well, I detect a faint hint of *** on your breath, but I'm not giving you a hard time about it, am I? It was our fault, okay? It was our fault. We would have tried the same thing if my mom was there. It's true. They would have. You defending him now too? I'm not defending anyone. I'm just glad they're alive. Let's go, Pearl. We're gonna go home. Hey, at least I don't have to worry about fixing that headlight anymore. Did I do something wrong? Okay. You still have feelings for her, don't you? That's what you're mad about? I saw the way you looked at her when you found out she was pregnant. Look? There was no look. I was I was taken aback, that's all. I can't *** a man who's in love with another, Charlie. I can't do it. I won't do it. Peggy, Marcy and I have a long, complicated history together. I can't just turn off my emotions like flipping a switch. Do you want a child, Charlie? Is that what this is about? No! Maybe. I I don't know. You disgust me right now, Charlie. Are you barren? I most certainly am not. Look, Peggy I don't know what's gonna be with you and me, but Marcy will always have a place in my heart. If you can't deal with that, then I don't know if this thing between us can work out. Oh, Charlie! Oh, Char Charlie! - Jesus Christ! - Oh, Charlie, I'm sorry. - I didn't mean to, really. - Ah! I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry. What the ***, Peggy? I know what will make it better. Let me make it nice. You let Peggy make the pain go bye-bye. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh. Oh. - Oh, God. - Mmm. You forget your desserts. I put perfect. Thank you, Irma. Mmm. Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm warning you, tomorrow, I'm gonna be pretty pissed at you. But, tonight, I'm just high-fiving Jesus that you're okay. I'm sorry about the car. It's just a car. You love that car. No, I love you. I love you too and I'm scared. Why? I don't want you to be guilty. I don't want people to look at you that way. I want them to know how great you can be. You shouldn't be thinking about that. That's too much for your brain. All you should be thinking about is boys and rock and roll and stealing your old man's car keys. But not anymore, 'cause I'll chop your hands off, okay? It was a nice day, wasn't it? It was. It was really nice. It was a perfect day. Right up until I ruined it. You didn't ruin anything. You just made a mistake, a really terrible mistake. But we all do. Look at me. I take a breath, I make a mistake. Then we just get up and shoot for another perfect day. I'm going to be thinking good thoughts, dad, on Monday. Thank you. How the *** did we get here? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it's your fault. Oh, undoubtedly. I am currently accepting blame for everything. Volcanoes, earthquakes, oil spills Steroids, rap music. It's all my fault. You tricked me, you know? You tricked me. I would hear the doorbell ring and I would go running towards it and I'd be thinking, "I don't even like this guy. This is just some stupid fling." And then I'd open the door and all those thoughts disappeared because I'd see your smile and I was a goner. I trusted that smile. He was a good guy, that smile. I don't see him much around anymore. I miss him. It's so strange. Just changed so fast. Once, you were my future. Then you were mymisery. Hmm. Nice. And now you're almost my past. Almost. Well, I'm trying. Well, that's impossible. I'll always be buzzing around like a gnat. Like a well-hung gnat With a dream. You know what I mean. Yeah. I think I do know what you mean and I kind of hate that I do. Are you ready for Monday? I don't want to think about Monday. I just want to think about today. Well, today's gone. It's tomorrow already. In a couple hours, we'll get up. We'll drink some coffee, read the paper, laugh at all your jokes And try to forget that the next day isn't Monday. And then Monday will come and we'll take Becca to school. Then I'll take you to court So that you can stand trial for raping a teenage girl. Because that is the reality of our lives right now. I don't know how we got here But this is where we are.