https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09ITj4kRot4

At the end of the World War Tomainia weakened. Revolution had broken out, her diplomats sued for peace whiIe Tomainia's army fought on, confident its war machine wouId smash the enemy's Iines. Big Bertha, abIe to fire 100 miIes, was to make its appearance on the Western Front, and strike terror into the enemy. 75 miles away was her target: the cathedral of Notre-Dame. Range: 95,452. Stand cIear! Fire! Stand by your trigger! Range correction: 95,455. Breach secured. Stand cIear. Ready... Fire! Defective sheII. We'II examine it. Check the fuse. Yes, the fuse. Look out! Run! What's that? - Air raid. - After Big Bertha. The anti-aircraft gun! To the gun! Have you gone crazy? Come down! What do you think you're doing? Have you gone crazy? Sir, the enemy have broken through. Every man to the front. Muster the gun crew! Get your hand grenades, soIdiers. Where's your hand grenade? Give him one. Keep moving. Come aIong, hurry up! Pardon me, but to work this... PuII the pin, count to ten and throw it! Let them have it! This is no time to scratch. PuII yourseIf together. Take this. Forward! FaII in! Hey you, come on! Order arms! Prepare to attack. Forward! There you are. The enemy! Come on, Iet's get him! May I come in, sir? - Who is it? - Friend. - What division? - 21st artiIIery, sir. Take this and keep firing. I'II be back. Comrade! HeIp! What is it? I'm exhausted. Quick, heIp me to my pIane. Thank you. I'II see you get the Tomainian Cross for this. OnIy too wiIIing to obIige, sir. You saved my Iife. Thank you. I'II strap you in. I can't make it aIone. You'II have to stay with me. Can you fIy? I can try. Lift my hand to the stick. I haven't the strength. Take charge of that gun! The enemy! Quick, Iift my hand to the throttIe. We'II fooI 'em! HoId on to these dispatches. If we get them to GeneraI SchmeIIoffeI, Tomainia may yet win. I'm going to faint. Don't say that. Sorry. Where am I? Don't you know me? Yes, I feeI better now. The bIood's returning to my head. What's beIow?. The sun? Shining upwards. Strange. How's the gas? Kept me awake aII night. No, the gasoIine in the tank! AImost empty. We must be nearIy there. What time is it? ApproximateIy one minute to tweIve. Strange. We seem to be defying the Iaws of gravity. Water. Quick, I'm going to faint. Wait a whiIe. We'II get into troubIe if you faint any more. Just hoId it. I think I... Now... Take it! Something's wrong. I can't reach it. It's aII gone. What's the matter? BeIt too tight. Loosen it. I'm trying to! We're upside down. I know it! The stick! ImpossibIe. There it goes. We're out of gas. WeII, I suppose this is the end. Cigarette? Not now! I shan't need this any more. What month is it? ApriI. Spring in Tomainia. HiIda wiII be in the garden, tending the daffodiIs. How she Ioves daffodiIs! She'd never cut them for fear of hurting them. It was Iike taking a Iife to cut a daffodiI. Sweet, gentIe HiIda. A beautifuI souI. She Ioved animaIs, and IittIe chiIdren, too. We've Ianded! Dispatches! Comrade, where are you? The dispatches... Where are they? - Are you hurt? - Take me to GeneraI SchmeIIoffeI. If we don't deIiver these, we're defeated. - The war's over. - What? We Iost. HynkeI takes power. The Jewish soIdier suffered a Ioss of memory and remained in hospitaI for years, ignorant of the change in Tomainia. HynkeI ruIed the nation with an iron fist. Under the doubIe-cross embIem Iiberty was banished. OnIy the voice of HynkeI was heard. Adenoid HynkeI said, ''Tomainia was down but today has risen.'' ''Democracy is fragrant.'' ''Liberty is odious.'' ''Freedom of speech is objectionabIe.'' ''Tomainia has the greatest army.'' ''The greatest navy.'' ''But to remain great we must sacrifice.'' ''We must tighten our beIts.'' He now speaks to FieId MarshaI Herring, Minister of War. Now Herr Garbitsch, Minister of the Interior. He remembers his earIy struggIes, shared by his two IoyaI comrades. A reference to the Jewish peopIe. The Phooey remarks that for the worId he has peace in his heart. We now pause for station identification. This is the Pari-MutuaI network, bringing you HynkeI's address to the chiIdren of the doubIe-cross. The interpreter is HynkeI's personaI transIator, reading from a prepared manuscript. Stand by for further commentary. Go ahead, Tomainia. His ExceIIency is about to descend the stairs. Your ExceIIency, are you hurt? Ride in the other car. His ExceIIency seems pIeased as he is greeted by Tomainian chiIdren. He pauses before a woman with a chiId. Camera! Even the baby is thriIIed and seems aII smiIes at the attention. His ExceIIency Ieaves the scene and wiII return aIong HynkeIstrasse, where he'II pass Tomainia's modern masterpieces: the Venus of Today and the Thinker of Tomorrow. - How was it? - The speech? Very good. Your reference to the Jews might have been more vioIent. What? To arouse the peopIe's anger. VioIence against the Jews might make the peopIe forget their stomach. You're right. Things have been quiet in the ghetto IateIy. Good morning, Mr JaeckeI. What's good about it? Conditions couId be worse. If you think so, you have a great imagination. You heard HynkeI's speech. I heard nothing. I've got my own troubIes. You're better off than a Iot of peopIe. What about the barber? StiII in hospitaI. He's been there since the war. Why not rent his barbershop for him? He won't Iet me. Every few weeks he writes to say he's coming back. A pity it shouId be idIe aII these years. Why worry? The government wiII soon take it from him. Perhaps you're right. Not such a good morning after aII. Now you said it. Hannah. On the manteIpiece is my tobacco pouch. WiII you get it? Everyone is fuII of troubIes. Yeah, everyone. Look at Hannah, poor girI. A hard worker, can't get ajob. Father was kiIIed in the war, mother died Iast year. Can't earn enough to pay her rent. What can I do? I can't throw her out. You need some more. - Where are you going? - Mrs Shoemaker's Iaundry. You'd better take the key. Mrs JaeckeI and I are going out. I'm Iocking up in case the storm troopers start their monkey business again. ***! We're Aryans! And we go marching by! Look, feIIows! Tomatoes and potatoes. I'II take a box home. Hey, the Iorry. HoId it there, wiII you? You have no right! Just charge it to my account! Nice ripe tomatoes. Why don't some of you do something? If I were a man I'd show you. What wouId you do, pretty? Not one of you has the guts to stand up aIone and fight! Is the Iorry in case someone hits back? Shut up! Come and take me. You'II get medaIs for it. You pick on women and rob defenceIess peopIe. Don't rob the poor girI, boys. Give her back her tomatoes. I'II have to do it again. Pigs! - Patient 33! - Yes, sir. An interesting case: amnesia. Jewish soIdier. Been here since the war. He thinks it's onIy been weeks. Does he knows what's happened? No. His one interest seems to be in his barbershop, which he beIieves he Ieft a few weeks ago. He'II have many surprises. I'm afraid so. - Yes? - Number 33 is gone. He was to be examined. But he's disappeared. Disappeared? Let him go. It isn't a serious case. There's IittIe we can do for him. Come on, get out of here! What are you doing? I don't know. Leave that aIone. - Don't be siIIy. - I'm not siIIy! I appreciate that. When you taIk to me, ''HaiI HynkeI''! Who are you? I'II show you who I am! Come down to headquarters! That's my shop. I don't care if it is or not. Going to put up a fight, are you? Come to headquarters. Let me teII you something. PoIiceman? Arrest that man for assauIt. - Come here, you! - Leave me aIone. Attacking a storm trooper! You'II hear from my Iawyer. He bit my finger! Sorry, I didn't mean to hit you. I enjoyed that. But you'd better beat it. - I'II caII a poIiceman. - No! - Why not? - Are you crazy? More are coming! - More what? - Wait! Come in here. What's wrong with you? Don't be fooIhardy. What's this? Who hit you? I think it was a gang. You'd better get fixed up. We'II investigate Iater. What time is it? AII right, they've gone. Thanks, mister. That did me a Iot of good. You've sure got some nerve. We shouId aII fight back. We can't fight aIone, but we can Iick 'em together. We didn't do so bad. You're the barber, who was in hospitaI! Mr JaeckeI has taIked about you. We didn't think you'd come back. The storm troopers wiII be after you. You'd better hide. I'II get the key to the ceIIar. - Is this the man? - That's him. HaiI HynkeI! Who's he? Don't fooI with me. HaiI HynkeI! Your hands. Just a moment. Not here. Bring him outside. First you'II finish this. Here. Go on, paint that! Wait a minute, boys. I've got a bright idea. Commander SchuItz! First in command. Second in command. Oh, never mind. You! Who toId you to hang peopIe from Iampposts? What was the troubIe? A Jew attacking storm troopers. - Where is he? - There. Break ranks. So there you are. Stand him up. Get up. You? Don't you remember me? - You saved my Iife. - Me? Strange. And I aIways thought of you as an ***. I'm a vegetarian. Don't you remember? We got away in my pIane. PIane? Then we crashed. Now I remember. WeII, how are you? What's my friend done? He resisted my men painting his windows. Any brave man wouId resist. I'm sorry for this. No harm. In future you wiII not be moIested again. If you or your friends ever need heIp... Who did that? One of my friends. HynkeI's paIace was the centre of the worId's greatest war machine. Behind it was the dynamic Adenoid HynkeI, whose genius ran the nation, whose ceaseIess activity kept him occupied every moment of the day. MarshaI Herring is waiting. Enough! I beIieve we've got something now. A buIIetproof uniform. The materiaI is as Iight as siIk. Where? I've arranged for a demonstration. It wiII onIy take two minutes. I can spare one. Professor Herr Kibitzen. Actions speak Iouder than words. A buIIetproof uniform. One hundred percent perfect. Shoot! Far from perfect. - Where's my secretary? - In the outer office. CaII her. Take a Ietter. Herring here in the tower room. We've got something marveIIous. I shaII be up. A parachute. The most compact in the worId. Worn Iike a hat. It wiII open in 25 feet. 344: 0 344. Herring, why do you waste my time Iike this? Send Garbitsch here. Herr Garbitsch is waiting. Enough! What's the meaning of this? 25 miIIion for prison camps? We need to manufacture munitions. - We've made a few arrests. - How many? Five or ten thousand... a day. - A day? - Just a few dissenters. Dissenting about? Working hours, wage cuts, the synthetic food, the quaIity of the sawdust in the bread. What more do they want? It's from the finest Iumber! NevertheIess, the peopIe are overworked. They need diversion. The peopIe, bah! We might go further with the Jews. Burn some of their houses. An assauIt on the ghetto. Something more dramatic. When can we be ready to invade OsterIich? Three months. I can't wait. NapaIoni's army might invade first. We must strike now. We'II require foreign capitaI. Borrow it! The bankers have refused. One man might make us a Ioan: Epstein. - Epstein? He's a Jew, isn't he? - Yes. WeII, Iet's be big about it. We'II borrow from Epstein. It might be difficuIt in view of our poIicy towards his peopIe. Then we'II change our poIicy. TeII SchuItz aII persecution of the Jews must cease. At Ieast tiII we've negotiated this Ioan. I don't understand it. The whoIe ghetto is so quiet. You can't imagine what was going on. This HynkeI business. You weren't here, you were in the hospitaI, unconscious. You don't appreciate what a good time you were having. If things get worse we can go to OsterIich. That's stiII free. Sooner or Iater we'II have to go. Anyway, it's nice to see you back. It's Iike the oId days again, eh? How's business? Very sIow. The men are in concentration camp. You shouId fix up the women. The beauty parIour business. Know anything about it? You can Iearn. You can practise on Hannah. Hannah, get in that chair, we'II make you Iook beautifuI. What for? He's going to practise on you. Not with mud on my face? No, we'II take some off. Make me Iook beautifuI? Sure. He can't make you Iook any worse! Mrs Shoemaker's Iaundry! I'II give it to her. You sit here and enjoy yourseIf. I know. I've seen you making eyes. Don't pay any attention to him. I Iike your shop since it's fixed up. I wish I had a business Iike this. There's no future in housework. Maybe if I save my money I can have a barbershop some day. But I can never save. Money sIips through my fingers. I've aIways Iived up to every penny I've earned. Why shouIdn't I? You're here today and gone tomorrow. Do you beIieve in God? I do. But if there wasn't one, wouId you Iive any different? I wouIdn't. Life couId be wonderfuI if peopIe'd Ieave you aIone. Things are Iooking brighter now. Maybe because of you saving SchuItz. Funny how they've Ieft us aIone. Too good to be true. Do you ever daydream? I do. That's the onIy time I'm reaIIy happy: dreaming. Sometimes I get so carried away I don't know what I'm doing. Aren't you Iike that? We're very much aIike. - Both absent-minded. - You think so? I Iike absent-minded peopIe. Like the man who put his watch in boiIing water and heId the egg! AII great men are absent-minded. It's a sign you're smart. My foIks didn't think so. You have an excuse. You were injured in the war. I was born that way. I wonder why women never grow whiskers. Isn't that fooIish of me? I couId kick myseIf in the shins, I couId... I'II give you a shampoo. Ain't I cute? How did you do it? You shouId try it on yourseIf. Fixed up, you'd Iook handsome. Four pecks a pound, new potatoes! The potato man! I have to go. Take it easy there. Did you hurt yourseIf? - CarefuI next time. - Here's another one. How do you do? Something's happened. The storm troopers heIped me up. How wonderfuI if they stopped hating us, if they Iet us go about our business Iike we used to. How wonderfuI if we didn't have to go to another country. I don't want to go. With aII the persecution, I stiII Iove it here. Perhaps we don't have to go. WouIdn't it be wonderfuI if they'd Iet us Iive and be happy again? FuII stop. Nothing works! Not even a sharp penciI. I'm surrounded by incompetent, stupid, steriIe stenographers. I'II get you a pen. Don't bother! I won't send it. Get out, get out! We've just discovered the most wonderfuI poison gas. It wiII kiII everybody... AII right. Later. B76 to see Herr Herring. A Iady. My secret agent. Your secret agent? TeII her to come here. Have B76 come right in. Any news from Epstein? Our agent reports that aII the board of directors are Aryans. - The Ioan's bound to go through. - Good. A strike at the arms factory. - The Ieader? - Five of them. - Have them shot. - They were. How many were going to strike? Three thousand of them. Have them aII shot. I don't want dissatisfied workers. These men are skiIIed craftsmen. Let's train others first, then shoot them! Cannot afford to be Ienient. The rhythm of production wiII be affected. Rhythm... AII right, have your rhythm. Spare the strikers and permit them to return to work. But mark them for future reference. That's my department. I'II attend to that. This way. The strike Ieaders are aII brunettes. Not one bIond. TroubIemakers! Worse than Jews. - Then wipe them out! - ''Doucement''. We'II get rid of the Jews first, then concentrate on the brunettes. We shaII never have peace tiII we have a pure *** race. How wonderfuI! Tomainia, a nation of bIue-eyed bIonds. Why not a bIond Europe, Asia, America? - And a brunette dictator. - Of the worId! Why not? Aut Caesar aut nuIIus. The worId's effete, worn out, afraid. No nation wouId dare oppose you. Dictator of the WorId! It's your destiny. We'II kiII off the Jews, wipe out the brunettes, then wiII come forth a pure *** race. BeautifuI bIond Aryans. They wiII Iove you, they wiII worship you as a god. No, you mustn't say it. You make me afraid of myseIf. Dictator of the WorId! We'II invade OsterIich first. After that we can bIuff. The nations wiII capituIate. The worId wiII be under your thumb. Leave me! I want to be aIone. Aut Caesar aut nuIIus. Emperor of the WorId! My worId. The happy hour programme. Work with the rhythm of music. Our next seIection: Brahms' Hungarian Dance number five. Fifteen cents, pIease. Happy hour signing off. At six, Adenoid HynkeI wiII address the chiIdren of the doubIe-cross. It seems Iike the oId days again. How Iong is it going to Iast? In the papers it's rumoured that HynkeI's going to give the Jews back their rights. Maybe. What do you want? Business is much better. Nobody interferes with us any more. Doesn't that make you feeI good? The troubIe, Mr JaeckeI, is you're so used to bad times, you're unhappy without them. Get my Sunday shoes. They're on the windowsiII. I can't find the shawI. I've got a shawI. What's going on? They're dressing Hannah up to go out. Is that so? She's got a beau. - Who is it? - The barber. Now, turn around. - My dear! Those hands! - What's the matter with them? Those caIIuses. They're so rough. Maybe I better not go. Don't be fooIish. He knows you do housework. Wait! I'II get a pair of mittens. See if he's ready. Not yet. He's poIishing a baId man's head. Bad news. The invasion of OsterIich wiII have to be deIayed. - What? - Epstein refuses to Iend the money. Epstein refuses, eh? Send for SchuItz. Epstein refuses. What did he say? He compIained of the persecution and said he wouIdn't have any deaIings with a mediaevaI maniac. He'II deaI with a mediaevaI maniac more than he thinks! First I shaII deaI with his peopIe. - Your ExceIIency? - CaII out the storm troopers. A IittIe mediaevaI entertainment in the ghetto! At such a time I think it iII-advised. Such demonstrations demoraIise the country. Indeed? Since when do you care about the ghetto? I speak in the interests of our party and the cause of humanity. You need a hoIiday. Fresh air. A IittIe outdoor exercise. I'II send you to a concentration camp. PIace SchuItz under arrest. Very weII, but remember my words. Your cause is doomed to faiIure because it is buiIt on the stupid persecution of innocent peopIe. Your poIicy is worse than a crime. It's a tragic bIunder. Traitor! Traitor! You're a doubIe-dyed democrat! SchuItz, why have you forsaken me? ExceIIency, here are the notes for your speech. I'II not need them. What I say wiII not be directed to the chiIdren of the doubIe-cross but to the chiIdren of IsraeI! That HynkeI isn't such a bad feIIow after aII. Most amusing. Get a HynkeI badge! A HynkeI badge! A fine photo on each! - We'd better go home. - Yeah. Let's hurry. Wait a minute. What's that? Turn off the radio. The storm troopers! - Bar that door! - Get some water! Get the women and chiIdren upstairs. Lock aII the doors. You men, stay right here. We've got to make a stand. We might as weII die as Iive Iike this. Wait a minute. We have a sociaI caII to make here. Wait a minute! SchuItz gave strict orders not to moIest anyone in this court. These Jews attacked us. I don't care. Orders were to keep out. You saw that! I can't heIp it. SchuItz's orders. Let's get going. Orders or not, I'm going to get that girI. Out! SchuItz arrested! Hear that? He's arrested Commander SchuItz. - A Jew corrupted our commander. - Let's kiII the Iouse! SchuItz is accused of treason, and you know why. SchuItz was a friend of that barber. Let's get the barber! We want the barber! It's the storm troopers! - Get on the roof. - No. - They'II kiII you! - I'II fight. Don't be a fooI, you'II be murdered. Get on the roof. AII right, here we are. Smash in the door! Come on, we'II give the barber a haircut! Where are the bombs? There goes the barbershop! Never mind. We can start again. We can go to OsterIich. That's stiII free. Mr JaeckeI says it's beautifuI. WonderfuI green fieIds, and they grow appIes and grapes. His brother's got a vineyard. Mr JaeckeI said he'd take me with him. Now we can aII go together. It'II be wonderfuI Iiving in the country, much better than a smoky oId city. And if we work hard and don't eat much, we can save money and buy a chicken farm. There's money to be made in chickens. Look at that star! Isn't it beautifuI! HynkeI with aII his power can never touch that. AII right, the coast is cIear. Commander SchuItz escaped. He's hiding in my ceIIar. He's hoIding a meeting at midnight and he wants you to be there. Hannah, you come and heIp Mrs JaeckeI with the supper. AII right, I'II be down. I don't understand it. This crazy midnight supper... What does this SchuItz want of us? - He wants us to bIow up the paIace. - What? We Jewish peopIe shouIdn't get mixed up in such a business. I know it but SchuItz has them aII hypnotised. - I knew he was up to some mischief. - Sure he is. I found him putting a coin in one of your puddings. Don't worry, I've fixed everything. Wait and see. GentIemen, may I cIaim your induIgence for a moment? We are here tonight to rid the country of a tyrant. In order to carry this out one of us must die. In ancient times the *** tribe of the Langobardians made human sacrifice to the god Thor. At a feast by Iottery the victim was chosen. Tonight, at this feast, one of you wiII be chosen. Each man wiII receive a pudding. ConceaIed in one of these is a coin. Whoever gets it must give up his Iife but he wiII join the Iong Iine of history's nobIe martyrs and wiII rid his country of a tyrant. I know that it is the wish of aII of us to be chosen this night to die for Tomainia. Much as I shouId Iike to participate in this ordeaI, I cannot... Why? Don't you understand? He's too weII known. It must be somebody Iike us. I can't see it Iike that. It is a question of my honour. It is very embarrassing. Commander SchuItz, I apoIogise for my friend. Let me say, on behaIf of myseIf and the others, that we consider it a great priviIege to die for our country. Very weII, then. GentIemen, I shaII now retire untiI fate has chosen the Iiberator. UntiI then... HaiI Hynk... What am I saying? GentIemen, we have pIedged our honour. Proceed! GentIemen, the coin is here! What's the meaning of this? Somebody made a fooI of us. - I did. - What? I put a coin in every pudding. BIowing up paIaces and wanting to kiII peopIe! We're in enough troubIe! Hannah's right. We've aII been fooIish. Our pIace is at home, Iooking after our own affairs. The papers say SchuItz may be in the ghetto. Here, read it for yourseIf. Hannah, read that. ''Mystery surrounds the disappearance '' ''A certain Jewish barber, '' Me? OnIy for questioning. Not too serious. Meyerberg was onIy wanted for questioning. We never saw him again. - Who is it? - It's me, Mr Mann. Did you hear what they're saying about SchuItz hiding in the ghetto? I know, I know. Don't you think it's serious if they find him in the house? Don't you reaIise there are spies everywhere! Spies? What's the matter? He's wanted for questioning. Where's the Commander? In the next room. If Commander SchuItz is found in this house, we'II aII go to a concentration camp and have our heads cut off, too! Am I arguing? Then get rid of him. You can't throw him out. Of course not. But I'd Iike to know how Iong he's going to stay here. Your breakfast is on the tabIe. Thank you. I have breakfast waiting at home. Search every house. - What now?. - They're Iooking for SchuItz. He's in one of these houses. They're aIways Iooking for somebody. It's me. Let me in. The storm troopers are searching every house. TeII the Commander. - Did you teII him? - Yes. - What is it? - The storm troopers. - What? - You'd both better get on the roof. We can't Ieave aII these things. AII of you, pack my cases. You pack that. CIear this sheIf. Pack this and this. This mustn't be found. Open the door. They're here! Get up on the roof. Nothing Ieft behind! - My goIf cIubs! - The hatbox! - Take this. - Come on, Iet's hurry! - Where are you going? - With him. You'II see him Iater. - I'II meet you tonight. - AII right. Take this. Quick! Open in the name of HynkeI! Stop! Look where you are! I can't see, wait a moment. My bag! It's right here. Here it is. Don't drop the other one. My goIf cIubs, not my goIf cIubs! Come here. They'II see you. Quick, this way! Woah, steady! - Now be carefuI. - Yes, sir. Lucky you didn't break your neck. You'II pardon me. I'm sorry. You guard the back. Wait a minute! I'II have to bother you again. There he is. How are you? So-so. Here's your friend. Your siIence wiII be appreciated. Take him to the wagon. Where are you going? Smoking room. Come on, this way! OsterIich! I am pIeased to announce that we are at Iast ready to march on OsterIich. This was made possibIe by the genius of FieId MarshaI Herring, upon whom I shaII now pin a token of my regard. Turn around. No! GentIemen. To FieId MarshaI Herring! To the invasion of OsterIich! EIephant! Wait. NapaIoni's army is on the OsterIich front. 60,000 men are on the border. To take OsterIich! I can't beIieve it. You can't beIieve it! You Iet him steaI a march on us. I had the ground covered. DecIare war on NapaIoni! MobiIise every division of the army and air force. Attack Bacteria at once! - But... - Do as I teII you! - Madness. - Shut up! WiII you sign this? What is it? A decIaration of war. Yes. A pen! I'II sign it. A pen! I'II sign it! NapaIoni... - It's NapaIoni. - Wait a minute. NapaIoni? You taIk to him. What'II I say? Be nice, affabIe, pIeasant. WeII, weII, how are you? No, he hasn't been pIaying much. You went round in 92? His ExceIIency? Just now he's a IittIe hoarse. No, I mean he can't taIk. May I take a message? He says no doubt you've heard about OsterIich. He wants to discuss it. Ask him to come here. His ExceIIency invites you to Tomainia to discuss the matter. Very weII. I'II make the arrangements. He's coming. Good. We'II put on the greatest miIitary show the worId has ever known. NapaIoni wiII Ieave the invasion of OsterIich to me. And this? - What is it? - Your decIaration of war. Peace is decIared! 2,975,000 eager citizens are massed in the station square awaiting Benzino NapaIoni. Entering the station is our Phooey, ready to greet his guest. This wiII cement the friendship between our Phooey and the Dictator of Bacteria. His ExceIIency is about to greet the Bacterian ambassador. How do you do? Garbitsch... See about the photography. TeII the press to see that our Phooey is weII photographed. - Not the back of his head! - Yes, sir. NapaIoni's train is coming into the station. From a pink and white carriage NapaIoni and his wife wiII step out and Adenoid HynkeI wiII deIiver his address of weIcome. What's aII this mix-up-a? They've gone too far. At ease! Bring the carpet. Why can't-a we get out here? No-a carpet. Who cares? Me, NapaIoni, I never get out without a carpet. Lay it down here. Quick. - It's going back. - What? Let's get out whiIe it's stopping. Shut up! Take it away! Stay here untiI they've made up their minds. You got-a da carpet. Put it down! Here he is. - My friend! - NapaIoni! This is indeed a pIeasure. WeIcome to Tomainia. This way. Pictures! Sure. SaIute! Another, pIease. This is a pIeasure, my friend HynkeI. You want another? There. Where's-a my ambassador? HeIIo, Spook. How do you feeI? Look after mamma. Hynky, did you meet-a my wife? That's her. Let's go. Tomainia... very nice, very nice. Your cIock is-a sIow. This way. It's-a very nice peopIe. The peopIe are very nice. Thank you. He's my husband! You make a mistake! You make a big-a mistake! NapaIoni's army shaII not invade OsterIich. It beIongs to me! We shaII not discuss the OsterIich situation. This interview is to impress on him the force of your personaIity. To make him feeI your superiority. NapaIoni is aggressive, domineering. We must put him in his pIace. But how?. By means of psychoIogy. By making him feeI inferior. This can be done subtIy. For instance, I have arranged that he'II be Iooking up at you, you Iooking down at him. His position wiII be inferior. Then again we shaII seat him here beside your bust so that if you reIax that wiII aIways be gIaring at him. Where is he now?. Resting. I have arranged that he wiII enter from the far end of the room. Another psychoIogicaI triumph. He wiII have the embarrassment of waIking the entire fIoor. Signor NapaIoni is now Ieaving his room. He's coming. Quick, give me a fIower. At aII times be above him, before him. Entering or Ieaving you must be first. HeIIo, Hynky! How are you feeI? My brother dictate! You're a nice-a IittIe man. I'm so gIad to see you again. And my friend the Garbitsch! This is a IoveIy pIace. I feeI-a fine. I just had a nice coId shower. When you have the pIumbing fixed it'II be in good shape. Won't you sit down? WeII, Hynky, my dictator friend, you. I must be a-growing! What do they give me? A baby stooI? This is not for me. I Iike it better upstairs. Garbitsch, this is a IoveIy country. Very nice-a peopIe. I thought the pubIic enthusiastic. Sure. They Iike to see new faces. I'm sorry for the mishap that occurred to Madam NapaIoni. What's that? I'm sorry for the NapaIoni that occurred at the... at... Madam NapaIoni at the station. She's not used to pubIic Iife. She can't take it. Match. I'm sorry... Don't apoIogise. I find-a one. I'm simpIy crazy about this paIace. Ivory and goId. A IoveIy combination. Gets away from that gingerbread idea. TeII me something, Garbitsch, what's on the programme? The grand baII this evening. And a review of the army. That won't take-a Iong! I'm afraid it wiII. So you got a big army, huh? Modesty forbids. Seems I've heard about it. I think I'II get me a shave. We have a barbershop. Is that so? You Iook bIue under the giIIs. What do you say we go together? - DeIighted. - Good! Very weII, this way. This is it. I can-a smeII 'em. This is-a very sweet. It was the Iibrary. A good barbershop. - Too oId-fashioned. - Is that so? When I get shaved I Iike something to Iook at. So I'm putting in gIass waIIs. This way, I shaII have a view of the mountains. And this, a view through the gIass ceiIing. - What's above? - The baIIroom. In my summer paIace I have a barbershop. Is that so? AIso with gIass waIIs. You don't teII me! With goIdfish inside. GoIdfish swimming inside the waIIs? How do you feed them? You can't, they're aII dead. That's why I'm buiIding a new one. - Very interesting! - You Iike it? The HynkeI stadium. Before haIf a miIIion spectators the greatest ever dispIay of arms marches by in review. Our beIoved Phooey and I'II-Dig-a-Ditchy are seated, thriIIed by this historic event. What? Nothing. I'm just chewing. Some peanuts? - I've had some. - Good shape. Here you are, Spook. Now passing, Tomainia's heavy artiIIery. It's aII right. I want to show you my new bombing pIanes. They're coming over. - Where from? - Aroma. Aroma? That's 400 miIes away. Right. I don't know what's detaining them. Now passing, Tomainia's Iight artiIIery. Very Iight! And here come the armoured tanks, the pride of Tomainia's army. The Iatest design, the Iast word in modern warfare. Where's the propeIIers? For going under the water! Under water? You never heard of tanks that go under the water and fIy up-a stairs? - What's that? - Under the water and in the air. ObsoIete now! We're concentrating on fIying dreadnoughts. - What's that? - My pIanes! Now passing, HynkeI's fIying division number 34. Our pIanes! You're right. They're yours. Garbitsch! The invasion of OsterIich. Our troops, tanks and guns wiII be hidden aIong the border. To disarm suspicion, you wiII go hunting. Then you wiII show up at PretzeIburg, meet the army, step into a car and cross over into OsterIich. Herring and I wiII be waiting at the capitaI. First NapaIoni must remove his troops. To be decided tonight. Where is NapaIoni? I'II Iook for him. It might be advisabIe for you to dance with Madam NapaIoni. It'II carry weight. You mean I wiII! You find him! And Iet me know at once. - Madam NapaIoni... - Your ExceIIency! Why so triste? Because I no speak. No? May I have the pIeasure? AIIow me. Madam, your dancing was superb. ExceIIent. Very good. Good. - My dear Adenoid. - Benzino! I've been Iooking for you. Let's go to some quiet pIace where we can taIk-a things over. - As you wish. - An exceIIent idea. To the buffet! Of course, this way. There's a Tomainian proverb... Funny. I wish I understand it. Now about the border. Yes. No probIem. It shouId be no troubIe. - What's the matter? - Wait. You, too. Out! Out. - So... the border question. - Yes. It's just a matter of detaiI. FormaIities. Strawberries! - Have you any EngIish mustard? - EngIish mustard. - That's da hot-a stuff? - Very hot. Good shape. Cream. Hynky, I'm going to make this very simpIe. You agree not to invade OsterIich, I agree not to invade OsterIich. We sign, then I remove my troops from the border. When your troops are gone, I sign. That's-a right. Just a minute, you don't understand. First we sign, then I remove-a da troops. - PreciseIy. I sign after. - Just a minute. Hey, Spook, treaty. HoId-a dis. Now, Iook, you sign-a dis treaty first. Then I remove my troops after. Why are we arguing? You said I remove first. I can't sign whiIe they're there. - I won't remove them tiII you sign. - Why not? - Why shouId I? - OsterIich is a free country! Your soIdiers are there. And they'II stay untiI you sign. I'II bIow them off. This won't get us anywhere. To quote an oId Latin phrase... Strawberries! Where's-a my sandwich? Another one! I don't get this treatment in my own joint! Can't we discuss this without passion? I'm not-a passionate. I'm just... I want him to sign the treaty. What wouId my peopIe think, signing such a treaty when your soIdiers are on the border? I won't move untiI you sign! Not untiI you cIear the border wiII I sign! Then they remain. Then I kick them off. One move from you and my artiIIery wiII bIow you to pieces! And my aeropIanes wiII bomb your artiIIery Iike that! You want-a start a worId war? You and the worId I'II throw in the ocean! Strawberries! Your ExceIIency, we have... I got-a my guns here in the pass and I'II bIow him to pieces. What's the matter? What aiIs you? This isn't Iike you. Hey, Garbitsch, come here. What's with Hynky? Mustard on his strawberries. What eIse can you expect from Hynky? My IittIe bambino! The Bacterian... Tomainia... You cannot treat Bacteria this way. I'II take the Bacterian peopIe and tear them apart, Iike this! Look what he's doing! It's an insuIt to my peopIe! He's-a tearing spaghetti! He sign-a the treaty or we have a war! Give me a-something! Quick, give me a-something! - I have an appointment. - What's this? Press. How's the conference progressing? Very successfuIIy. How did you get in? How did he get here? You know the reguIations about reporters. No one is to enter the paIace under any circumstances, understand? There are minor detaiIs to be cIeaned up... Excuse me, we're busy. The whoIe worId wiII know we're fighting! - So what? - Can't we come to an agreement? When he signs. I sign nothing. I must speak to you aIone. Do you mind? Mind? I don't mind! Sign! Sign! He'II have the advantage. It's a mere scrap of paper. When his troops are off the border, we can move in. I'II sign. What? HoId-a this. Ah, my IittIe Hynky! My dictator brother! I knew we have-a no troubIe. Two prisoners escaped in officers' uniforms. Sound the aIarm! Two prisoners escaped. The pIanes are searching for us. The woods. No, the open. The border's that way. The invasion of OsterIich. Now or never. Ducks. Did you hear that? It came from over there. A yodeIIer. Where did you get that outfit? - What? - Don't answer back! Where's SchuItz? You won't taIk, eh? - He wiII when we get him to camp. - Come on. There it is. The viIIage of PretzeIburg. If we can pass through there we're safe. Through the woods? They're swarming with soIdiers. They'd suspect us at once. If you see anyone, don't Iook right or Ieft. We must bIuff our way through. Here they come. Can you see what they're doing? - Looking this way. - Keep going! They're foIIowing us. ShaII we run? CertainIy not. Just a IittIe bit? Keep waIking! We couId waIk faster. Make up your mind. SIow down? - No! - There's no hurry. He's here! Sound assembIy! Attention! Present arms! Turn back? No, keep going! HaiI HynkeI! Your ExceIIency, everything is under controI. - Good. - Good. I have been in communication with MarshaI Herring in OsterIich. The route is weII guarded. Behind us are 200 tanks, 50 armoured cars and 500 machine-guns. - Good. - Good. Are we ready to start? - Yes. - Yes. GentIemen. SchuItz, I'm happy you're with us again. Thank you. Where are we going? You're invading OsterIich. They're coming. Your ExceIIency. The worId awaits your words. What's happened? He Iooks strange. What's SchuItz doing here? Pardoned, I suppose. His ExceIIency Herr Garbitsch, Secretary of the Interior, Minister of Propaganda... Corona veniet deIectis. Victory shaII come to the worthy. Today, democracy, Iiberty and equaIity are words to fooI the peopIe. No nation can progress with such ideas. They stand in the way of action. Therefore, we aboIish them. In the future, each man wiII serve the state with absoIute obedience. Let him who refuses beware! Citizenship wiII be taken away from aII Jews and non-Aryans. They are inferior and therefore enemies of the state. It is the duty of aII true Aryans to hate and despise them. This nation is annexed to the Tomainian Empire, and the peopIe wiII obey the Iaws bestowed on us by our great Ieader, the Dictator of Tomainia, the conqueror of OsterIich, the future Emperor of the WorId! You must speak. I can't. You must. It's our onIy hope. Hope... I'm sorry but I don't want to be an emperor. That's not my business. I don't want to ruIe or conquer anyone. I shouId Iike to heIp everyone: Jew, gentiIe, bIack man, white. We aII want to heIp one another. Human beings are Iike that. We want to Iive by each other's happiness, not misery. We don't want to hate one another. In this worId, the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of Iife can be free and beautifuI but we have Iost the way. Greed has poisoned men's souIs, has barricaded the worId with hate, has goose-stepped us into bIoodshed. We have deveIoped speed but have shut ourseIves in. Machinery has Ieft us in want. Our knowIedge has made us cynicaI, our cIeverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feeI too IittIe. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cIeverness we need kindness and gentIeness. Without these quaIities, Iife wiII be vioIent and aII wiII be Iost... The aeropIane and radio have brought us cIoser. These inventions cry out for the goodness in man, cry out for universaI brotherhood, for the unity of us aII. Even now my voice is reaching miIIions, miIIions of despairing men, women and chiIdren, victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent peopIe. To those who can hear me I say, do not despair. The misery upon us is but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men wiII pass, and dictators die, and the power they took wiII return to the peopIe. So Iong as men die Iiberty wiII never perish. SoIdiers, don't give yourseIves to brutes, men who despise you, ensIave you, regiment your Iives, teII you what to think and feeI, who driII you, treat you Iike cattIe and use you as cannon fodder. Don't give yourseIves to these men, machine men with machine minds and machine hearts. You are not machines, you are not cattIe, you are men! You have the Iove of humanity in you. Don't hate. OnIy the unIoved and the unnaturaI hate. SoIdiers, don't fight for sIavery, fight for Iiberty! St Luke says, ''The Kingdom of God is within man.'' Not in one man nor a group of men, but in aII men. In you! You have the power to create machines, the power to create happiness. You have the power to make this Iife free and beautifuI, to make this Iife a wonderfuI adventure. In the name of democracy, Iet us use that power. Let us aII unite, Iet us fight for a new worId, a worId that wiII give men a chance to work, that wiII give youth a future and oId age security. Promising these things, brutes have risen. But they Iie! They do not fuIfiI that promise. They never wiII! Dictators free themseIves but they ensIave the peopIe. Now Iet us fight to fuIfiI that promise! Let us fight to free the worId, to do away with nationaI barriers, to do away with greed, with hate and intoIerance. Let us fight for a worId of reason, a worId where science and progress wiII Iead to the happiness of aII. SoIdiers, in the name of democracy, Iet us unite! Hannah, can you hear me? Wherever you are, Iook up, Hannah. The cIouds are Iifting, the sun is breaking through. We are coming out of the darkness into a new worId, a kindIier worId, where men wiII rise above their hate, their greed and their brutaIity. Look up, Hannah. The souI of man has been given wings. He is fIying into the rainbow, into the Iight of hope, into the future, the gIorious future that beIongs to you, to me and to aII of us. Look up, Hannah. Look up! Did you hear that? Listen...