SPRAY TAN PHOBIA!

Hey, guys. We're going to talk about spray tan because I have a spray tan phobia. I mean, really? Have you ever gotten it done? I know you have. I know you have, and if you haven't gotten it done then you should try it just for the experience. It's a once in a lifetime experience. So, you, like, walk into this room full of plastic and you've got your robe on. You're walking around feeling all exposed and everything. So I get in there and I'm thinking, "Okay, I'm going to have a woman that's going to spray me," and so it's not like I'm nervous enough already, and I'm thinking, "Okay, so I'm going to get a lady. You know, it's not going to be so bad," but no. I get a guy. A guy! Why do I have to have a guy spray me? A guy spraying me in all my private parts. Private parts. All of my private parts, and there's air compressors running, and they're all "brrrrrr." That's all you hear, it's "brrrrr," and you see people walking around with gas masks on and they're in white coats and there's plastic everywhere. If you've seen Close Encounters of the Third Kind you know what I'm talking about. You remember that? The gas masks and the coats? It's like you're walking into a disease zone, and so the guy says to me, "Don't worry about it. Now this is easy, piece of cake." He puts me in this little tent, little itty-bitty tent with it wide open in the front and people are passing by. You know, they're passing by and I'm like buck naked and people are walking by. Really? This is like the worst part of competing. All the diet, the exercise, the sweat, the blood, the tears--no problem. I can handle that, but then people walking by and looking in my tent and I'm buck naked. Buck naked. So then the guy comes in. He's got his gas mask on. Something like Darth Vader [makes Darth Vader sound], and then they put this shower cap on your head, like that looks good. It's not bad enough that I'm standing there buck naked. Buck naked, and now I've got this shower cap on my head. Not attractive. So then he starts spraying me, and he's standing there like a scarecrow [makes spraying sound]. And what are you supposed to do? So I feel like chatting with the guy. "How's the family? What's going on? Do you like your job?" And the guy lifts things to spray underneath. Know what I mean? And when you're 42 things tend to drop a little. Okay, you don't have to highlight it by lifting, because he asked me to turn around and he lifts things to spray. Humbling. Humbling. The worst part of competing. They're looking at you. They try not to, but they do. You can see their eyes. You can see their eyes move, and they shift sideways, doing this. Yeah. Uncomfortable, and then you're standing there, and you think, "Okay. I got this. We're done. You got every nook and cranny. You sprayed me 400 times. We should be done." So you think you're done, but no. To add insult to injury, what do they do? They turn fan on. A fan? Really? A fan? Serious? Do you know what happens to somebody when they're standing there buck naked and you turn the fan on and you're wet all over? Goosebumps, ladies. Goosebumps everywhere. Goosebumps. Big ones. And they make you stand there for, like, 15 minutes. And they keep coming back and checking on you. [in Darth Vader voice] "not dry? no not dry" Really? Thanks, Sherlock. No, I'm not dry. I'm dripping wet like a scarecrow and this is really uncomfortable, but thank you. Oh, and for all you guys out there that think this is a glamorous job, think again. There are just certain places on woman's body that no human being should be. So there you have it. Spray tan for competition.