At The Codfish Ball

( theme music playing ) ( phone ringing ) HELLO. HEY, IT'S YOUR DAD. - YEAH? - HI, IT'S ME. WEEKNIGHT, NICE. IS MRS. FRANCIS OUT WITH THE MAYOR? THEY WENT TO MICHIGAN AND THEY TOOK BABY GENE AND LEFT ME HERE WITH BLUTO. SHE STILL SMELL LIKE A TOILET? YEAH. How's it going? I'M SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING FOR TRIG, BUT, UH, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD. OH, COME ON. HER AGAIN? YOU'LL SEE WHEN YOU BREAK UP. IT HURTS. - NOT FOR THE GIRL. - SHUT UP. AREN'T YOU GOING BACK TO THE SAME CAMP NEXT SUMMER? DID YOU GO GET THE SPOONFUL ALBUM? Boy: HEY, BISHOP, WHO YOU TALKING TO? YOUR SISTER. JUST FIGURING OUT WHEN WE CAN BALL. IT'S ON THE RADIO ALL THE TIME. SALLY, GET YOUR BROTHER AND SET THE TABLE. DID YOU HEAR THAT? - WE'RE LIKE HER SLAVES. - SALLY! YEAH, WELL, AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE GENE'S DIAPERS. NO. FINE, I'LL EAT BY MYSELF. - OH! AH! - ( thuds ) ( moaning ) - WHAT HAPPENED? - OH, LORD. - WHAT HAPPENED? - CAN YOU MOVE? - ARE YOU OKAY? - OH, MY ANKLE! ( crying ) OKAY, GO GET HER SOME WATER. I'M GONNA CALL FOR HELP. BOBBY, GO. ( moaning ) WHY DO YOU INSIST ON CARRYING EVERYTHING YOURSELF? - THE DOORMAN OFFERED. - WHY BOTHER HIM? - IT'S NOT THAT MUCH. - NO, IT IS ABSURD. - I SEE YOU BROUGHT WORK WITH YOU. - IT IS MY BOOK. I MAKE AN EXCUSE OF NEW YORK TO TRY AND PUBLISH AGAIN. MEGAN'S EXCITED ABOUT IT. MY DAUGHTER PRETENDS TO FIND INTERESTING WHAT I FIND INTERESTING BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME. WHY ARE YOU CARRYING THE BAGS? IS JONESY DRUNK AGAIN? ( speaking French ) - SO... - PLEASE SPEAK ENGLISH. ( whistles ) YOU LIKE IT? I DON'T KNOW. IT'S EXQUISITELY DECADENT. - WELL, IT KIND OF CAME THIS WAY. - NO, IT DIDN'T. EMILE IS CONFUSED. HIS EYES AND HIS POLITICS ARE HAVING A FIGHT. WELL, DADDY, I WANT YOU TO SIT DOWN. I'LL FIX YOU A DRINK. I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DOVER SOLE. AND I WANT YOU TO BE ON VACATION. FORMIDABLE. MERCI. SAVE YOURSELF. GOT A NICE BOTTLE OF COGNAC FOR LATER. - ( phone ringing ) - YOU REMEMBERED. I SEE SHE'S CONVINCED YOU THAT SHE'S PARTICULAR. I'M THE PROOF SHE IS NOT. - ( chuckles ) - HELLO? SIT. I INSIST. NOW TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOUR ADVENTURES TODAY. HOLD ON, SWEETHEART. IT'S SALLY. SHE'S OKAY, BUT YOU SHOULD TALK TO HER. SO UNCLE ARNOLD, HUH? NO ONE WENT TO THE FUNERAL, BUT I KNEW YOU ALWAYS LIKED HIM. HAS MARGARET STOPPED DANCING ON JANE'S GRAVE? ( laughs ) WELL, SHE HARDLY HID HER FEELINGS. YOU DIDN'T REACT THAT WAY. NO, BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT I'M SURPRISED THAT YOU'RE IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD. IT'S UNSATISFYING, ACTUALLY. I ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE'D LEAVE YOU. I'VE BEEN WONDERING LATELY IF SHE WAS JUST AN EXCUSE TO BLOW UP MY LIFE. ARE YOU SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST? NO. BUT I DID HAVE A, UM... WELL, I HAD A LIFE-ALTERING EXPERIENCE. I'LL BITE. MONA, I TOOK L.S.D. I WENT ON A TRIP. ( chuckles ) OF COURSE YOU DID. YOU SHOULD REALLY TRY IT. YOU HAVE TO. YOU'D LOVE IT, ACTUALLY. SO WHAT'S IT LIKE? EUPHORIA AND INSIGHT AND-- I DON'T KNOW. MY WHOLE LIFE, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TELLING ME I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW OTHER PEOPLE THINK. AND IT TURNS OUT IT'S TRUE. - MAYBE I SHOULD TRY IT. - ( laughs ) ( applause ) SO, THESE... ARE FOUR MEMBERS OF THE AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY. THEY'RE HONORING DON FOR KICKING LUCKY STRIKE IN THE BALLS WITH THAT LETTER. INCREDIBLE. AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE NAMES? YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE FIRST MARRIED AND YOU USED TO GO TO LUNCHEONS AND TELL ME ABOUT THESE POWERFUL MEN THAT I COULD MEET? AND YOU IGNORED ME. WHEN I WAS IN THE DEEPEST PART OF THE TRIP, THE FARTHEST AWAY, I WAS SITTING IN MY BATHTUB AND I SAW MYSELF AT THE 1919 WORLD SERIES. I WAS PLAYING. AW, YOU FINALLY GOT TO BE A BASEBALL PLAYER. YEAH, BUT WHY THAT GAME? WHY THAT SERIES? BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN IT WENT BAD. I JUST REALIZED NOTHING I HAD WAS MINE BECAUSE THE GAME WAS THROWN. OH, ROGER, PLEASE DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT YOUR ADVANTAGES. I, FOR ONE, AM NOT GONNA LET A BUNCH OF DIRTY TEENAGERS IN THE PAPER DISRUPT THE ORDER OF THINGS. I'M NOT. I'M TRYING TO MEET WITH FIRESTONE. IT'S A HUGE FAVOR, I KNOW. BUT I LOST EVERYTHING WHEN WE LOST LUCKY STRIKE. I THOUGHT YOU MARRIED JANE BECAUSE I HAD GOTTEN OLD. AND THEN I REALIZED IT WAS BECAUSE YOU HAD. I HAVEN'T HAD A HEART ATTACK SINCE. WELL, I DON'T SEE WHAT THE HARM COULD BE. YOU ARE STILL SUPPORTING ALL OF US. THANK YOU. WHATEVER YOU CAN FIND OUT BY FRIDAY. YOU'D BE SURPRISED. ( speaking French ) - Don: HELLO? - WE'RE IN HERE. ( door closes ) SALLY, BOBBY, THIS IS DR. AND MRS. CALVET. - MARIE. - EMILE. - UN PLAISIR. - HELLO. HI. HENRY'S MOTHER BROKE HER ANKLE. - OH, MY GOODNESS. - THAT'S TERRIBLE. IT COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT WORSE. SALLY, YOU WANT TO TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED? SHE TRIPPED OVER ONE OF GENE'S TOYS. NO, NOT THAT. SALLY CALLED THE POLICE, WHO CALLED AN AMBULANCE. AND WHILE THEY WERE WAITING... SALLY, GO ON. I PUT HER FOOT ON A PILLOW AND PUT ICE ON IT AND KEPT HER CALM. - OH, WHAT A BIG GIRL. - THIS IS WONDERFUL. SALLY DOESN'T LIKE FISH. WELL, AS A REWARD, I MADE SPAGHETTI. I ALWAYS MADE MEGAN SPAGHETTI. THAT WAS HER VERY FAVORITE. SO, YOU TWO WILL STAY IN THE BOYS' ROOM. WE CAN'T PUT EMILE AND MARIE IN THE BUNK BEDS. ( laughs ) I APOLOGIZE, BUT WE HAD A LONG VOYAGE. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE. ( speaks French ) DO YOU GIVE A LOT OF SHOTS? OH, I AM NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR. I AM A PROFESSOR. WHEN YOU HAVE A HIGH DEGREE IN ANY FIELD, THEY CALL YOU A DOCTOR. IT'S FROM THE MIDDLE AGES. THAT'S RIGHT. LET ME JUST MAKE SURE MOM GOT SETTLED IN. SO, IS MR. HEINZ A DOWN-TO-EARTH, KIND OF STEEL-TOWN, GERMAN-POLISH, DRINKS-BEER-OUT-OF-A-CAN KIND OF GUY? NO, HE'S BORING. HE'S GOT A DAUGHTER. I THINK THAT'S WHERE HE GETS ALL HIS *** IDEAS. OH, WHO FINISHED THE SHRIMP? - I ASKED. - YOU STILL HUNGRY? SHE'S GOT TO WATCH HERSELF. TOO MUCH CHINESE AND WE'LL HAVE TO GO UP A CUP SIZE. - SHUT UP. - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON PLAYTEX. PEGGY'S GOT A WAY WITH THE EQUIPMENT. ( laughs ) I'D LOVE YOUR OPINION ON THIS, ABE. PEGGY, A TRADITIONALIST IN THE *** ARENA, BELIEVES THAT WE SHOULD SELL SEXY BRAS TO OLD LADIES, WHEREAS I THINK WE SHOULD SELL ADULT BRAS TO YOUNG GIRLS. ABE AGREES WITH ME. SO DOES DON. WELL, IT'S NOT FAIR THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A ***-CARRYING CONSUMER THAT YOUR OPINION MEANS MORE. YOU KNOW WHAT? I SHOULD TAKE OFF. I'VE GOT A DEADLINE. AND, HONESTLY, I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH DINNER. - I SHOULD GO HOME. - OH, OKAY. - I'LL CALL YOU IN THE MORNING. - GOOD NIGHT. MM-HMM. HE'S TOO GOOD-LOOKING FOR YOU. MY FATHER WON'T CARE IF HE FINDS OUT YOU READ JAMES BOND. YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS A GOOD BOOK. - YOU SHOULD READ IT. - ( laughs ) YOUR FATHER SAID THEY'LL SIGHTSEE WITH THE KIDS DURING THE DAY AND WATCH THEM WHEN WE GO OUT WITH HEINZ TOMORROW NIGHT. YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE ME SOME CASH. HE WON'T EVEN BUY HIMSELF A PRETZEL. AND THEY CAN WATCH THEM THE NIGHT OF THE CANCER DINNER. THAT'S THE WHOLE REASON THEY CAME DOWN, - TO SEE YOU GET THE AWARD. - THEY CAME TO SEE YOU. AND YOUR FATHER'S GOT A MEETING WITH SOME PUBLISHERS. ONE PUBLISHER. WE'LL CALL THE SITTER. FRANCIS THE TALKING MULE? DON'T YOU WANT THEM TO COME? I DON'T THINK ANYTHING'S GONNA MAKE HIM LIKE ME. BECAUSE I'M HIS FAVORITE. WHY DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER IS SO COMPETITIVE? I DIDN'T SEE THAT. DIDN'T YOU NOTICE SHE TOUCHED YOU SIX TIMES IN AN HOUR? SHE'S FRENCH. NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT IS. ( sighs ) WELL... - GOOD NIGHT. - ( chuckles ) THEY'LL BE GONE SUNDAY. DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE? LOCK THAT AND GET DAWN TO HOLD MY CALLS AND YOU CAN HAVE FIVE. NO, PERVERT. THIS IS ABOUT WORK. I THINK IT IS, ANYWAY. I THINK I HAVE AN IDEA. IT MIGHT BE REALLY GOOD. BUT IT MIGHT BE TERRIBLE. WELL, YOU'VE ESTABLISHED A FIRM BED OF INSECURITY. OKAY. LAST NIGHT WHEN I WAS FEEDING THE KIDS SPAGHETTI, I REALIZED THAT MY MOTHER HAD MADE IT FOR ME AND THAT HER MOTHER HAD MADE IT FOR HER. AND I GOT THIS PICTURE IN MY HEAD OF HER BECOMING ME LIKE WITH ONE OF THOSE MOVIE DISSOLVES. AND THEN THIS MORNING IN THE SHOWER, I REALIZED YOU COULD TAKE IT ALL THE WAY BACK TO CAVEMEN AND THEN DO THE MIDDLE AGES, THE RENAISSANCE, ALL THE WAY UP TO NOW. AND THEN THE FUTURE, LIKE A COLONY ON THE MOON AND YOU SEE EARTH OUT THE WINDOW. THAT'S VERY GOOD. BUT WE DON'T SELL SPAGHETTI. NO, HEINZ BAKED BEANS. OH. IT SOLVES A LOT OF PROBLEMS, DOESN'T IT? ( chuckles ) MY GOD. GET OVER HERE. NO, I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT. I'M NOT CHANGING THE SUBJECT. WHAT ARE WE SHOWING TOMORROW? HUMAN CANNONBALL. I MEAN, IT'S FUNNY AND I LOVED IT, BUT... DAWN, GET STAN AND GINSBERG IN HERE RIGHT AWAY. OH, THEY'RE GONNA HATE ME. TELL THEM IT WAS YOUR IDEA. YOU DON'T REALLY WANT ME TO DO THAT, DO YOU? NO. "KIDS WANT BEANS AND THEY HAVE FOREVER." OH, I HAD SOMETHING LIKE, "HEINZ BEANS, SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE." JESUS, I THINK THAT'S BETTER. - YOU RANG? - I'M GONNA NEED BOTH OF YOU ON SURRETTE. WE'RE CHANGING HEINZ. - ( intercom buzzes ) - Mr. Drexler for you. THANK YOU, PATRICIA. - HELLO? - HOW'S MINETTA TAVERN SOUND FOR DINNER? IT'S THURSDAY. NOT GOOD. - YOU'RE GONNA EAT ANYWAY. - WELL, COME BY. I'M NOT COMING BY. I CAN'T TALK TO YOU THERE AND I DON'T WANT TO WAIT. OH, OKAY. I COULD MEET YOU EARLY IF I COME BACK. 6:00? 7:00. I'LL SEE YOU THERE. Ginsberg: SHE COULDN'T HAVE BEEN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING A WEEK AGO? YOU THINK THAT'S HER IDEA? WHAT HAPPENED? BOSS'S WIFE HAD AN IDEA. - IS IT ANY GOOD? - IT'S BETTER THAN WHAT WE HAD. GOOD FOR HER. - ( knocks ) - Joan: COME IN. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE FINAL MIX FOR VICKS TONIGHT AND I NEED TO SWITCH IT. IT'S VERY IMPORTANT. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SCHEDULED IT. I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO DO. WELL, THAT ALMOST NEVER HAPPENS, SO DON'T FEEL BAD. IT DOESN'T, DOES IT? CAN I HAVE A CIGARETTE? JOAN? DO YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DOOR? I THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS GOING GREAT, BUT... NOW I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE FEELING ABOUT ABE. I THINK HE'S GONNA END IT. WHY? HE WANTS TO HAVE DINNER AND HE KNOWS WEEKNIGHTS ARE HARD. AND WE JUST SAW EACH OTHER LAST NIGHT. AND HE WOULDN'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER. WELL, IT'S BEEN MY EXPERIENCE THAT WHEN A MAN INSISTS ON A MEAL, HE HAS SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY. IT'S USUALLY A PROPOSAL. REALLY? WELL, THAT'S YOU. MEN DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO END THINGS. THEY IGNORE YOU UNTIL YOU INSIST ON A DECLARATION OF HATE. SOMEONE DUMPED YOU? PEGGY, I'M JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. IF HE'S GOING TO END IT, WHICH I DOUBT, YOU'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO. IF HE'S GOING TO PROPOSE, YOU'D BETTER HAVE YOUR ANSWER PREPARED, ESPECIALLY IF IT'S NO. GOSH. I SHOULD GO HOME AND CHANGE, SHOULDN'T I? OR BETTER YET, GO SHOPPING. SO THE MOM'S WEARING THE GLASS SPACE HELMET AND THE KID TOOK HIS OFF AND PUT IT ON THE TABLE? THAT WAY, THE KID CAN EAT THE BEANS. AND I THOUGHT YOU COULD DO THE WHOLE THING WITH THE SAME ACTORS PLAYING MOTHER AND CHILD. - ( intercom buzzes ) - Mr. Sterling's here to see you. OH, YOU TWO ARE ACTUALLY WORKING. GO BREAK IT INTO FRAMES AND HAVE STAN DRAW IT UP. I'VE BEEN WORKING THIS MORNING, TOO. YOU MEAN YOU FINISHED YOURS, YOU'RE MOVING ONTO MINE? NO, I'VE BEEN IN THE WAR ROOM, DON, PREPARING FOR THE AMERICAN CANCER DINNER. CAROLINE WENT TO THE LIBRARY AND GOT ME PICTURES OF THESE GUYS. I'M $50 AWAY FROM A SEATING CHART. LOOK, I DON'T TAKE THIS HONOR LIGHTLY. GOOD. SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT. TITANS OF INDUSTRY ARE GIVING YOU AN AWARD. WE ARE BEING LOWERED IN A BUCKET INTO A GOLD MINE. I'M GONNA BRING MY PICK AND CRACK SOMETHING OFF THE WALL. I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT KIND OF ATMOSPHERE. YOU ACTUALLY SAYING THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE? YOU FORGET WHY YOU WROTE THAT LETTER? ARE YOU FORGETTING YOU SAID IT WOULD KILL OUR BUSINESS? SO YOU THINK CIGARETTES ARE BAD AND SO ARE THE PEOPLE WHO SELL THEM? IT'S WHAT THEY THINK. MARY LASKER AND THE REST OF THEM KNOW IT AS THE TRUTH. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY I WROTE IT. YOU'RE RIGHT. WHO KNOWS WHY PEOPLE IN HISTORY DID GOOD THINGS? FOR ALL WE KNOW, JESUS WAS TRYING TO GET THE LOAVES AND FISHES ACCOUNT. I'LL DO WHAT I CAN, BUT I'M NOT GONNA GO OVERBOARD. MY IN-LAWS DON'T THINK I'M JESUS. THEY'LL BE CLAPPING AND CHEERING. THEY DON'T KNOW YOU'RE A HYPOCRITE. MEGAN'S FATHER IS A COMMUNIST. - WHAT? - HE'S A SOCIALIST OR A MAOIST OR SOME IDEOLOGY THAT MAKES HIM HATE ME AND WHAT I DO. PLUS, YOU KNOW, I'M SLEEPING WITH HIS DAUGHTER. SO HE'LL SEE YOU SHAKING HANDS. YOU KNOW, IT'S VERY INTERESTING, BUT A LOT OF TIMES YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT YOU, BUT THEY'RE NOT. THEIR MIND'S ELSEWHERE. LOTS OF PEOPLE THAT HAVEN'T TAKEN L.S.D. ALREADY KNOW THAT, ROGER. YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE AN ITALIAN BRIDE-- PEOPLE LINING UP TO GIVE YOU ENVELOPES. ( door opens, closes ) - YOU LOOK GOOD. - THANK YOU. THE STEAK IS SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD HERE. THE MENU'S HUGE. THE SERVICE IS INCREDIBLE, BUT I TOLD THEM TO LEAVE US ALONE A SECOND. CAN I GET A DRINK? YEAH, SURE. I GUESS I CAN GET SOMEBODY'S ATTENTION. NO. FORGET IT. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY? OKAY. I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS. WE'RE AT A PLACE WHERE WE LOVE BEING TOGETHER. IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE SOME KIND OF PAIN IN THE *** TO BE IN THE SAME PLACE WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT. OH, MY GOD. YEAH, WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD MOVE IN TOGETHER. I MEAN, HOW WOULD WE EVER DO THAT? WELL, HOWEVER YOU WANT. I MEAN, I THINK YOUR PLACE WOULD BE BETTER. IT'S BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I FEEL. I JUST LIKE THE IDEA OF THE TWO OF US WAKING UP IN THE SAME PLACE EVERY DAY. THE TWO OF US WRITING TOGETHER IN THE SAME ROOM, LOOKING AT EACH OTHER EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. GROCERY SHOPPING. LOOK, I KNOW IT'S A BIG DECISION. SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY YES OR NO RIGHT NOW. MAYBE WE SHOULD ORDER. OH, EXCUSE ME. YES. YOU'VE MADE ME SO HAPPY. ME, TOO. YOU STILL WANT TO EAT? I DO. ACTUALLY, MY FATHER IS ON THE BOARD OF THE AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY. ALTHOUGH HE SAID THE VOTING WAS UNANIMOUS FOR DON. WELL, THAT IS QUITE AN HONOR. AND AS MUCH AS WE APPRECIATE THE INVITATION, WE'RE HEADING BACK TO PITTSBURGH THE MINUTE I LEAVE YOUR OFFICE SMILING. YOU'RE REALLY GONNA RUSH OFF? I THINK KEN GOT YOU TICKETS TO THE NEW EDWARD ALBEE PLAY. - OH, WE SAW IT ON TUESDAY. - YOU DID? YEAH, WE CAME IN A COUPLE DAYS EARLY. ALICE LOVES THE CITY. DID I NOT MENTION THAT? NO REASON TO, I GUESS. RAYMOND, WOULD YOU ORDER ME A SANKA? I'M GONNA FRESHEN UP. AND SOME DESSERT. COME ON, WHY NOT? YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO EAT HERE. I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST FOR TIME LIFE EMPLOYEES. ( chuckles ) YOU KNOW, I REALLY ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH YOU. I FEEL THE SAME WAY, ALICE. I'M ONLY SAYING THIS BECAUSE RAYMOND'S PUTTING ON SUCH A GOOD SHOW. HE DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO DINNER. HE JUST WANTED TO DO IT IN YOUR OFFICE. HE'S A GOOD MAN, I SWEAR. OF COURSE HE IS. I WAS REALLY PREPARED TO NOT LIKE YOU, BUT YOU'RE SO GOOD FOR THAT MAN. - AND YOU'RE SO LIVELY. - THANK YOU, ALICE. I'M JUST SAYING I HOPE WE CAN CONTINUE TO BE FRIENDS. NO, SEE, THE TRUTH IN PACKAGING BILL THEY WANTED TO PASS WOULD HIT EVERYBODY HARD, BUT NOW THERE'S NO TEETH. SO NOTHING SHOULD CHANGE. ( whispers ) WE'RE GETTING FIRED. SORRY, BUT WE ENDED UP GETTING MORE DESSERT THAN WE BARGAINED FOR. WHO'S UP FOR A NIGHTCAP? THAT'S OKAY. I THINK WE'RE GONNA TURN IN. DO ME THE FAVOR, RAYMOND. YOU DON'T KNOW THIS, BUT YOU'VE RESCUED ME FROM A HOUSE FULL OF IN-LAWS AND CHILDREN. CAN WE GET A BOTTLE OF SAUTERNES AND SIX GLASSES? I DON'T KNOW. WE HAVE THE EARLY MEETING TOMORROW AND THE FLIGHT BACK. YOU KNOW, DON JOKES ABOUT HAVING A HOUSE FULL OF PEOPLE, BUT HE LOVES IT. DON? DON, TELL HIM ABOUT LAST NIGHT. OH, WELL, WE HAD THREE GENERATIONS UNDER ONE ROOF-- MEGAN, HER MOTHER AND MY 12-YEAR-OLD SALLY. SALLY WON'T EAT ANYTHING, AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE. EXCEPT BEANS, OF COURSE. ( laughs ) IT'S TRUE. THEY DO LIKE THEM. NEVER HAD ANY WORRIES ABOUT THAT. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT-- MEGAN BRINGING THE POT IN, SPOONING THEM OUT ON THE PLATE, HER MOTHER WAS SMILING. - WHAT A DARLING SCENE. - ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T KNOW IF I HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG BECAUSE DON WAS STARING AT US. BUT APPARENTLY I'D GIVEN HIM THIS IDEA. SHE DID. DON, YOU SURE YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS NOW? LET HIM TALK. OBVIOUSLY THERE'S MORE TO IT, BUT I THINK IT WOULD BE A SERIES OF ONE-SHOT LITTLE MOVIES. ONE MOTHER STARTING IN THE PREHISTORIC CAVES SERVING BEANS TO A SHAGGY LITTLE BOY BY THE FIRE. THEN A GREEK WOMAN IN A TOGA WITH A LITTLE SHEPHERD BOY. THEN MARIE ANTOINETTE TO A LITTLE PRINCE. CALAMITY JANE TO A PIONEER BOY. ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE GAY '90s TO TODAY IN A KITCHEN LIKE YOURS. WOULD IT ALL BE THE SAME MOTHER AND CHILD? WE HADN'T THOUGHT OF THAT, BUT THAT MIGHT WORK. TELL HIM THE REST OF IT. WELL, IT GOES PAST PRESENT DAY TO THE FUTURE TO A LITTLE LUNAR KITCHEN WITH THE EARTH OFF IN THE WINDOW. YOU KNOW, FUTURISTIC CLOTHING, INTERESTING BOWLS. THE KID HAS JUST TAKEN OFF HIS SPACE HELMET AS HE TAKES A WARM BITE. OH, THAT'S CLEVER. THAT WAS MEGAN'S IDEA. WHEN DON TOLD ME, I THOUGHT, WE'RE ALL SO BUSY AND WE RUSH AROUND AND IT WILL PROBABLY ALWAYS BE LIKE THAT. BUT A MOTHER AND CHILD AND DINNER-- THAT'LL NEVER CHANGE. "HEINZ BEANS, SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE." - CAN I GET SOME MORE COFFEE? - SHH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. LET ME THINK ABOUT IT. SEE THE PICTURES. RAYMOND, REALLY? IT'S BEAUTIFUL. AND IT'S EXACTLY-- I DON'T KNOW. CAN I GET THE CREAM, PLEASE? WELL, WE WERE DANCING AROUND A FEW OTHER THINGS, TOO. NO, WE WEREN'T. THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SEE TOMORROW. IT'S A ONCE- IN-A-LIFETIME IDEA. RAYMOND, YOU COULD SAVE YOURSELF A TRIP TO THE OFFICE TOMORROW OR WE CAN GET IN THE ELEVATOR, GO DOWN 11 FLOORS AND SHOW YOU THE WORK RIGHT NOW. IT'S THE FUTURE. THAT'S ALL I EVER WANTED. SHOULD WE CHANGE THAT SAUTERNES TO CHAMPAGNE? SURE, WHY THE HELL NOT? ( all laughing ) 72nd AND PARK. DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOOD AT ALL OF IT? YOU HAD THE IDEA, FEEDING ME THE PITCH, KNOWING TO PULL THE TRIGGER AT THAT MOMENT. I WAS JUST GONNA SCREAM IN HIS STUPID FACE. I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T. I LOVE THE WAY YOU SOLD THAT. OH, MY GOD. I WANT YOU. BUT WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE HOUSE WITH THE KIDS AND YOUR PARENTS. WE CAN GO BACK TO THE OFFICE. CHANGE OF PLANS. BACK TO TIME LIFE, PLEASE. ( men laughing ) THERE'S CHAMPAGNE IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM. DON AND MEGAN SOLD HEINZ LAST NIGHT OVER DINNER. BUT, BY LOOKING AT YOUR FINGERS, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD TO CELEBRATE. NO, OF COURSE. IT WAS BETTER THAN THAT. REALLY? WE'RE MOVING IN TOGETHER. HE ASKED ME. SHACKING UP? MY GOODNESS. I KNOW, BUT-- NO, PEGGY. GOOD FOR YOU. REALLY? YOU'RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT? NO. I DON'T KNOW. SOUNDS LIKE HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU NO MATTER WHAT. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE DISAPPOINTED FOR ME. I THINK IT'S VERY ROMANTIC. IT IS, ISN'T IT? WE DON'T NEED A PIECE OF PAPER. I MEAN, NOT THAT MARRIAGE IS WRONG OR ANYTHING. GREG HAS A PIECE OF PAPER WITH THE U.S. ARMY THAT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE ONE HE HAS WITH ME. OH, I'M SORRY. IT IS WHAT IT IS. I THINK YOU'RE BRAVE. I THINK IT'S A BEAUTIFUL STATEMENT. CONGRATULATIONS. ( men laughing ) SO MEGAN COMES OUT AND DOES A DOUBLE SECRET REVERSE TO DON THAT IT'S OVER. THEN THEY JUST PASSED IT BACK AND FORTH LIKE A COUPLE OF PROS. - YOU WEREN'T EVEN THERE. - WAY TO GO. YOU SHOULD BE SHAKING HER HAND. - IT'S JUST BEGINNER'S LUCK. - OH. - I'M GONNA GO TELL PEGGY. - TELL EVERYBODY. Kenny: YOU WANT THE PLEASURE OF TELLING LANE? Pete: NO, YOU EARNED IT. BESIDES, WE'RE STILL AT LEAST 15 GRAND OUT OF POCKET ON THE ACCOUNT. MEGAN! CONGRATULATIONS. - OH, YOU HEARD. - YEAH. JOAN TOLD ME HARRY SAID YOU SIGNED HEINZ. I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ALL THE CREDIT. WHY AREN'T YOU JUMPING UP AND DOWN? I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE CANADIAN EQUIVALENT OF BASEBALL IS, BUT THIS IS A HOME RUN. - WE HAVE BASEBALL. - WELL, THIS IS A HOME RUN. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID AND IT IS A BIG DEAL. AND WHEN IT HAPPENED TO ME, THEY ACTED LIKE IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. IT DOESN'T. I TRIED TO CRACK THAT NUT. I MEAN, IF ANYTHING, I SHOULD BE JEALOUS. BUT I LOOK AT YOU AND I FEEL LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, I'M GETTING TO EXPERIENCE MY FIRST TIME AGAIN. IT'S A GOOD DAY FOR ME. THIS IS AS GOOD AS THIS JOB GETS. SAVOR IT. YOU'RE RIGHT. I WILL. GOOD MORNING, EMILE. WHERE IS EVERYONE? THE GIRLS WENT OUT AND BOBBY IS HELPING ME FILL MY FOUNTAIN PEN. - THANKS, EMILE. - ( women laughing ) HELLO. BONJOUR. UH-OH. IT'S NOT AS BAD AS YOU THINK, BUT IT'S PRETTY BAD. - SALLY. - GO AHEAD. PAPA, CAN I COME WITH YOU TO SEE YOU GET YOUR AWARD TONIGHT? PAPA? ( chuckles ) I DON'T KNOW. I GOT A DRESS. PLEASE? EVERY DAUGHTER SHOULD GET TO SEE HER FATHER AS A SUCCESS. ( slams table ) ( speaking French ) - ( door slams ) - IT'S FINE. SWEETHEART, OF COURSE YOU CAN GO. THANK YOU, DADDY. CAN I SHOW YOU MY DRESS? ( shouting in French ) BOBBY, PUT THAT AWAY. YOU TWO WATCH TV OR SOMETHING. ( shouting continues ) WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? ( Marie shouting in French ) MY FATHER WENT TO HIS PUBLISHER THIS MORNING AND WAS BACK WITHIN THE HOUR. AND THEN HE GOT ON THE PHONE WITH CLAUDETTE, HIS LATEST GRAD STUDENT. MY MOTHER WALKED IN. HE WAS CRYING, APPARENTLY. WELL, HE'S GOT A LOT WRAPPED UP IN THAT BOOK. HE SHOULD BE CRYING TO MY MOTHER, DON. OH, RIGHT. WHAT ABOUT TONIGHT? ( sighs ) THEY DO THIS ALL THE TIME. THEY'LL RECOVER. THEY ALWAYS DO. HURRY, IT'S REALLY HOT. - ( sighs ) - ( knocking ) WAIT. HI, MA. COME IN. HELLO, PEACHES. ABRAHAM. HELLO, KATHERINE. OH, YOU BROUGHT DESSERT. JUST LEAVE IT IN THE BOX. I'LL TAKE IT OUT. IT'S VERY DELICATE. YOU WANT SOME SHERRY? SURE. SMELLS GOOD IN HERE. PEGGY MADE A HAM. IT'S MY FAVORITE. REALLY? ( doorbell rings ) - ARE YOU BABYSITTING? - NO. - HELLO. - HELLO. ROGER STERLING, THIS IS DR. EMILE AND MARIE CALVET. YOU LADIES LOOK RAVISHING. - THANK YOU. - Megan: CAN I GET YOU A DRINK? UH, NO. I MEAN, YES. BUT DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO TIE THIS THING? - HERE. - I'M STAG TONIGHT AND MY DOORMAN WEARS A CLIP-ON. I AM SURPRISED. YOU SEEM LIKE YOU WERE BORN IN A BOW TIE. I DIDN'T TIE THAT ONE EITHER. ( Marie laughs ) Sally: GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. MY GOD. SALLY, YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL. - ( speaks French ) - YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, SWEETHEART. Emile: DON, THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO. NO MATTER WHAT, ONE DAY YOUR LITTLE GIRL WILL SPREAD HER LEGS AND FLY AWAY. ( Roger laughs ) - WHAT? IT'S TRUE. - WINGS, DADDY. TAKE OFF THE MAKEUP AND THE BOOTS. WHAT? NO. OR YOU CAN STAY HOME. FINE. THIS IS THE BALLROOM? THERE'S NO STAIRCASE. BUT HERE'S A HANDSOME PRINCE. NAH. HELLO, ALL. DON'T YOU LOOK LOVELY? I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND IF I STEAL YOUR FATHER FOR A MOMENT. I'D LOVE FOR YOU TO MEET ED BAXTER. - KEN'S FATHER-IN-LAW. - NO, OF COURSE. MEGAN, COULD YOU JOIN US? I GOT 'EM. ED, DON DRAPER, HIS WIFE MEGAN. PLEASED TO MEET YOU. BOTH OF YOU. I GUESS I SHOULD THANK YOU FOR THIS. NO, DON'T THANK ME. I HAD TO RECUSE MYSELF. BUT YOU WRITE SOME STIRRING COPY. ACTUALLY, MEGAN'S A HELL OF A COPYWRITER AS WELL. WELL, I SHOULD LIE, BUT CYNTHIA TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOUR DINNER. - SHE'S A NATURAL. - THANK YOU. - WHO'S HE? - HIS NAME IS ED. HE'S AT DOW CORNING. THEY MAKE BEAUTIFUL DISHES, GLASSWARE, ***. - PETER CAMPBELL. - EMILE. AND HIS WIFE'S NAME IS LILLIAN. - DON'T FORGET THAT. - I WON'T. AND THOSE TWO OVER THERE, THE BALDING GUY WITH MARGARET DUMONT, HE'S AT G.M. WHERE'S YOUR PURSE? YOU'RE GONNA BE MY DATE. EVERY BUSINESS CARD I BRING BACK, YOU'RE GONNA PUT IT IN YOUR PURSE AND SAY, "GO GET 'EM, TIGER." - SO I MANAGE THOSE ACCOUNTS. - I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHAT DO YOU DO EVERY DAY? WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU'RE A SCHOLAR AND AN INTELLECTUAL, RIGHT? YES. ACTUALLY, FROM WHAT I HEAR, YOU'RE A BIT OF A TRAILBLAZER. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE. I BET THE WORLD WOULD BE BETTER OFF IF THEY KNEW ABOUT THE WORK YOU'RE DOING. YOU ARE VERY KIND. THAT, EMILE, IS WHAT I DO EVERY DAY. AH. ( laughs ) ***. I'VE GOT TO BEAT THE ENTREE. COVER ME. YOUR DATE IS VERY RESOURCEFUL. PLEASE. I GOT THIS. I'M SORRY, HONEY. I WASN'T GONNA LEAVE BEFORE DESSERT, BUT THIS IS TAKING A LITTLE LONGER THAN I THOUGHT. WELL... WE HAVE SOMETHING WE WANT TO TELL YOU. REALLY? ABE AND I ARE VERY SERIOUS ABOUT EACH OTHER AND WE'VE DECIDED WE'RE GOING TO LIVE TOGETHER. WHAT? LISTEN. I KNOW YOU MAY NOT APPROVE, BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME THAT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT WE'RE DOING. I WILL TAKE VERY GOOD CARE OF HER. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA GO. WHAT? I'M GONNA GO. I NEED MY CAKE. WHY? BECAUSE I'M NOT GIVING YOU A CAKE TO CELEBRATE YOUSE LIVING IN SIN. WOULD YOU RATHER I NOT TELL YOU? YEAH. YOU WANT TO STICK IT IN MY FACE? JUST LIE. YOU THINK YOU'RE THE FIRST ONES EVER TO DO THIS? - MA. - WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I'M GONNA GET YOU A CAB. I INVITED YOU HERE AS AN ADULT BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO LIE AND I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE. WELL, IF YOU'RE AN ADULT, WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT I THINK? I THOUGHT YOU'D BE RELIEVED I WASN'T MARRYING THE JEW. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT! IT'S MY FAULT. BECAUSE ONCE YOUR FATHER DIED, THERE WAS NO ONE TO SET YOU STRAIGHT. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. AND I THINK DADDY WOULD WANT ME TO BE HAPPY. NO. HE'D BE MAD AT YOU THE SAME WAY I AM BECAUSE YOU ARE SELLING YOURSELF SHORT. THIS BOY, HE WILL USE YOU FOR PRACTICE UNTIL HE DECIDES TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE A FAMILY. AND HE WILL, BELIEVE ME. YOU WANT ME TO BE ALONE? YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR AUNT USED TO SAY? YOU'RE LONELY, GET A CAT. THEY LIVE 13 YEARS, THEN YOU GET ANOTHER ONE AND ANOTHER ONE AFTER THAT. THEN YOU'RE DONE. THANK YOU FOR DINNER. Woman: ALL OF US HERE APPRECIATE YOUR YEARS OF SERVICE. OOH, BAKED ALASKA. IT'S FLAMING, BUT THEY PROBABLY DON'T WANT - TO WRECK THE SPEECHES. - YOU'RE WRECKING THE SPEECHES. - YOU'RE A MEAN DRUNK. YOU KNOW THAT? - ( Marie laughs ) FROM THE STERLING COOPER DRAPER PRYCE ADVERTISING FIRM... - OH, YOUR DADDY'S NEXT. - MR. DONALD DRAPER. ( applause ) THANK YOU. SHOULDN'T I BE AT HIS SIDE? GO GET 'EM, TIGER. CAN I SEE IT? DO YOU WANT IT? NO, YOU SHOULD KEEP IT BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU REALLY HAPPY. YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY? A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY WHO WILL SOMEDAY BE WEARING MAKEUP, BUT NOT TODAY. I GOT YOU A SHIRLEY TEMPLE. IT'S TIME TO START TAPERING OFF. AND, DON, I PROMISED FRANK FROM FORD OVER THERE YOU'D COME AND SAY HI. I'D BUY YOU A DRINK, BUT I THINK THEY'RE STILL FREE. I HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU ALL NIGHT. YOU'RE SO FULL OF LIFE AND AMBITION. WELL, I'VE GOTTEN A LOT OF REJECTION, SO WHO KNOWS WHAT I'M FULL OF? ( laughs ) WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, IT WAS MY SPIRIT TO TRY EVERYTHING, GET A TASTE, KNOW WHAT WAS WHAT, AND NEVER BE SORRY FOR MAKING THE MISTAKES. AND THEN ONE DAY, I MADE TOO MANY MISTAKES. - WHERE WAS I THAT DAY? - ( laughs ) INSIDE YOU IS A LITTLE BOY. WELL, MARIE, I WOKE UP ONE DAY AND I REALIZED AT WHAT POINT SHOULD YOU EVER STOP TRYING? I AGREE. WE SHOULD HAVE EVERYTHING WE WANT. I'M GOING TO THE LADIES' ROOM. CAN YOU WATCH THE AWARD? I GOT IT. DADDY, I'M GLAD YOU CAME. THEN WHY DO YOU LOOK SO SAD? I'M NOT. I'M JUST TIRED. IT'S BEEN A BUSY WEEK. YES, YOU HAVE A BIG BEANS SUCCESS. DON'T MAKE FUN, PAPA. I KNOW YOU DON'T APPROVE. IS THIS YOUR PASSION? ( speaking French ) BECAUSE YOU HAVE CHANGED. I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE VERY SINGLE-MINDED ABOUT YOUR DREAMS AND THAT THAT WOULD HELP YOU THROUGH LIFE. BUT NOW I SEE THAT YOU SKIPPED THE STRUGGLE AND WENT RIGHT TO THE END. IT'S NOT THE END. IT'S THE BEGINNING. THIS APARTMENT, THIS WEALTH THAT SOMEONE HANDED TO YOU, THIS WAS WHAT KARL MARX WAS TALKING ABOUT. AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE DESERVES IT, IT'S BECAUSE IT IS BAD FOR YOUR SOUL. DON'T BEAT ME WITH YOUR POLITICS BECAUSE YOU HATE THAT I LOVE DON. NO, I HATE THAT YOU GAVE UP. DON'T LET YOUR LOVE FOR THIS MAN STOP YOU FROM DOING WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO. ( speaking French ) - EXCUSE ME. - Ed: I'VE BEEN TELLING KEN YOU SHOULD GET OUT OF YOUR BUSINESS ALTOGETHER. WHY IS THAT? I'D INTRODUCE YOU TO HIM, BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO WASTE YOUR TIME. HE'S ON THE BOARD. - HE OBVIOUSLY LIKES MY WORK. - HE LOVES YOUR WORK. THEY ALL DO. BUT THEY DON'T LIKE YOU. - WHAT? - THIS CROWD, THEY'LL BURY YOUR DESK IN AWARDS, BUT THEY'LL NEVER WORK WITH YOU, NOT AFTER THAT LETTER. I MEAN, HOW COULD THEY TRUST YOU AFTER THE WAY YOU BIT THE HAND? OH, SORRY ABOUT THAT. YOU WANT ANOTHER? YEAH, SURE. TWO. - EXCUSE ME, MISS. ARE YOU FINISHED WITH THAT? - YES. - Glen: Yeah? - DID I WAKE YOU? Yeah, but it's okay. I GET A LOT OF ATTENTION EVERY TIME YOU CALL. PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE MY GIRLFRIEND. I'M NOT. WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING? I'M IN MANHATTAN AT MY DAD'S. BLUTO BROKE HER FOOT. ( laughs ) SPECTACULAR. YEAH. HOW'S THE CITY? DIRTY. ( music playing )