Who's the Boss S1E22 - English Transcript

Yes. Oh, hi, Ms. Wittner. -Hi, Tony. Is AngeIa home? -Yeah. Come on in. Let me get her for you on the intercom. Yo, AngeIa! Ms. Wittner's here. -She'II be right down. -Thanks. Wendy? -Oh, sweetie, how are you? -I'm good. How are you? Good. Good. What's up? IsabeI and I are going to Taco Loco for dinner. Wanna join us? Taco Loco so that's where it is. What? Every year, my mother throws me a surprise birthday party. Now you know and I know, and now you know I know. What do you have to say about that? Oh, it's your birthday. I'm so sorry. I forgot. Oh, weak, Wendy. Weak. WeII, if there is a party, I wasn't invited and if it turns out you weren't either, you'II know where to find us. I wiII be with the mariachis singing '' Lady of Spain. '' Oh, Wendy. You sIay me. Oh, that's so great. AngeIa? -AngeIa, I need your heIp. -Yes? Which of these do you Iike? I've got a date tonight. -Right, a date. Where are you going? -To the Oingo Boingo concert. Oingo Boingo, huh? I suppose the kids reaIIy are going to be spending the night in BrookIyn? -Yeah. -With Mrs. Rossini? Yeah. AngeIa, what is the matter with you? -Hi, kids. -Mom, me and Samantha are aII packed. Suitcases. That's a very nice touch. I suppose Mrs. Rossini's gonna be here any minute to pick you up. That's the pIan. We're gonna go outside and fIag her down. Grass and trees confuse her. I'm off to the Y. I'm gonna shoot some hoops. Hey. Yeah, you're gonna pIay basketbaII dressed Iike that? No, AngeIa. When I get to the gym, I'm gonna change into sweats. -A IikeIy story. What's in the bag? -Sweats. -And there's air in the baII. -Oh, that's great. You'd better keep an eye on her, Mona. Hey, did you Iike that, huh? Look what I found. -Mrs. Rossini! -Tony! Sorry. Don't teII me. She's so Iiberated she got you pregnant. AngeIa. Mrs. Rossini. What are you doing here? Taking the kids for the night. Remember? We taIked about it on the phone. And she runs an advertising agency. -Kids, we gotta go. -Don't you wanna see my room? Can I see it tomorrow? Joey's gotta get the fish truck back by 6:00. -Bye, Mom. -Come on, Jonathan. -I've gotta go too. -Bye, Grandma! Hey, Mona, keep an eye on her. They reaIIy are going. She reaIIy did drive to Connecticut. That reaIIy is a fish truck. There reaIIy isn't a party. -Hey. Hey, Jeff. -What? Good hands. Good hands. No wonder we buried you today. Next week, MiceIIi, we go one-on-one but I gotta warn you, I pIayed varsity at Amherst. Amherst. How many other girIs were on the team? That's cute. Excuse me, gentIemen. We need a coupIe of guys to do some drinking. How about it? Don't say a word. I think this is entrapment. No we're demonstrating to the IocaI teens the effects of drinking on driving. We're gonna be using the simuIator, we need a coupIe of over-21 voIunteers. Oh, yeah? You got your ID? Listen, I'd Iike to heIp you, officer, but I wouIdn't be any good. I don't get drunk too easy. I'm from BrookIyn. But if you're serving Pink Ladies, why don't you try him? He's from Amherst. I couId drink you under the tabIe with my jaw wired shut. -Drink me under the tabIe? -Yeah. If I didn't have to drive, I'd make you drink your words. -HystericaI. -Drink your words. You Iike that? Hey, hey, how about both of you do it, huh? We'II arrange for your transportation home. -Oh, yeah? How much are the drinks? -They're on the State of Connecticut. Does the governor know about this? AngeIa, for crying out Ioud, give me the key. I've got it. This might be AngeIa's surprise party. Surprise! No party! Wendy, it's not nice to make fun of me. Sorry. IsabeI, are you gonna have a drink now or are you gonna be a drag aII night? Wendy, I am not a drag. I'm a doctor, and I'm on caII. I have to be sober and aIert in case of an emergency. Like driving the two of you home from a Mexican restaurant. Do you know that this is my thirty-birthday and nobody did anything. What do you mean? I think the waiters at Taco Loco went aII out. I thought that the candIes in the refried beans was a nice touch. Yeah, who cares if your famiIy forgets your birthday as Iong as Pepe remembers? Pepe! Don't Iook down, Jeff! Don't Iook down! Jeff has had four drinks which means that his bIood aIcohoI content is . 09 percent. Now, technicaIIy, he's stiII IegaI. But as you can see, his motor skiIIs are caIIing it quits. Nobody shouId drink and drive, but this guy shouIdn't even drink and waIk. -Tony? -Me? I thought you'd never ask. Ho. Ho. Ho. After five drinks, Tony's bIood aIcohoI is . 1 2 percent IegaIIy drunk in aII 50 states. Now, at these IeveIs, personaIity and behaviour changes can occur. Inhibitions are Iowered, a person becomes overconfident even cocky. Nah, he's aIways Iike this. Oh, yeah? You think that's good, watch this. You know who I think is reaIIy cute? The new tennis pro at the cIub. -Corbin? -Yeah. I gave him an emergency appendectomy. You've seen him naked? AngeIa, in my business, if you've seen one body, you've seen them aII. Of course, he does have a cute IittIe ***. You know who eIse is cute? -Who? -Tony. Have you seen him naked? No. Have you? Of course not. -But you think he's cute, don't you? -He's a fine person. No, he's thoughtfuI, and he's sensitive and he's very good with Jonathan. And he's very buiIt too. Yes, he has his share of muscIes. He's soIid. And responsibIe. That's it. He is the most responsibIe man I have ever met. Hey, Iadies! Six of them. -Have you been drinking? -Like a fish. Hey, you know what happened to me? I went through three red Iights, I went through one red barn I got staIIed on some raiIroad tracks, and then I got run over by a train. I toId you he was tough. IsabeI, IsabeI, now's your chance. Make him take off his cIothes and examine him. Stop it! I wiII be the nurse. Oh, two beeps. That's an emergency. Come on, Wendy. I'II take you home. Just when it was getting good. Oh, come on. AngeIa, happy birthday. Thank you. -Good night, Iadies. -Good night. -Cute. -Stop it. Happy birthday! Did she say '' Happy birthday''? Oh, AngeIa, I forgot your birthday. How couId I have done that? You must feeI awfuI. Come here. Wait a minute. I didn't know it was your birthday because you didn't teII me. -I didn't? -No. I teII you what, though, AngeIa. I'm gonna go get you a present right now. A present right now. I'm gonna go to an after-hours present store. I can't do that. I can't do that because of drunk drivers. I can't drive. Do you know that 7 percent of aII the peopIe on the road account for 33 percent of the serious fataIities? That's right, you know, if you drive and drink you stink. Oh, Tony, that's very good. -I made it up myseIf. I did. -Very good. Tony, you don't have to buy me a present. Nobody eIse did. Yeah, weII, I'm gonna do something better than a present. I'm going into the kitchen to bake you a cake. Oh, no, Tony, you don't have to do that. DoubIe fudge with waInuts? You got it, birthday girI. Come on. Come on. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tony, this is deIicious. I toId Wendy that you were a good cook. You and Wendy were taIking about me? -We were taIking about a Iot of things. -Yeah? What'd you say about me? WeII, I just toId Wendy that I was reaIIy gIad that I hired you. That's great, because I'm reaIIy gIad you hired me too. This may surprise you but when I was a kid, I never thought I'd grow up to be a housekeeper. No? Yeah, weII anyway, this is the best job I ever had. -Thank you, Tony. -Yeah. You know, I never thought I'd find somebody who. Jonathan's a great kid. And, I got-- I got a new best friend in Mona. And, I got a boss who, who's of course. Who's what? She's okay. I just remembered what I toId Wendy about you. -Oh, yeah? -Yeah. I said that you were -okay. -Ah, that's nice-- AngeIa, cut that out. You think that's funny? You think that's funny? Hey, hey, have some fIour, huh? Have some fIour. AngeIa, I'm-- I'm sorry. I'm-- I'm-- I'm reaIIy sorry. I feeI. I feeI faint. Yeah? -Tony? -Yeah? -Is that an upside-down cake? -No. Then I'm in big troubIe. -You're just gonna have to Iie down. -Right. -AngeIa, not there, not there. -I Iike it here. -No, no, up in your room. -I can't make it. I'II heIp you. Come on, come on, come on. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. -Tony? -Yeah? This isn't the way Rhett ButIer did it. AII right, aII right, stand up. Wait, take it easy. Take it easy. -That's more Iike it. -Okay. AII right, aII right, now. Easy, easy. Watch my head. My head. -AII right, here. Isn't that better? -Yes, Tony. Thank you. -Tony? -Yeah? Wendy was right. You are cute. Thank you, AngeIa. You're cute too. Here's your nightgown. -Tony? -Yeah? -Come here. -What? Over there? What's the matter, AngeIa? No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, AngeIa, wait. I'm gonna hate myseIf in the morning. Here. Great day in the morning. AngeIa? Tony? AngeIa, are you aII right? Yes, Mother, I'm fine. OnIy pIease don't shout. AngeIa you have a hangover. Oh, it's the worst. I'II never do that again. AngeIa, what happened in the kitchen? FIour. I seem to remember doing something with fIour. -Yeah? -Oh, I know. I was in the kitchen baking a cake. You baked a cake? -That doesn't sound Iike you. -No, it doesn't, does it? Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me think. Oh, now I remember. Tony came home. He'd been drinking at the Y. You mean pIaying basketbaII? No, I don't think so. Anyway, he feIt so bad that he missed my birthday that we went into the kitchen to bake a kiss. -A kiss? -What? What are you taIking about? -You said you and Tony baked a kiss. -No, I didn't, Mother. I said we went into the kitchen to bake a c-- Kiss! Oh, my God, Mother. I kissed Tony in the kitchen. Yeah? -Yeah, what? -Yeah, what happened? WeII, I'm not sure. AngeIa, don't you hoId out on me. I'II use force if I have to. I'm not hoIding out on you. It's just aII so foggy. What happened after you kissed Tony in the kitchen? -Think! Think! Think! -Oh, Mother, stop it. AII I know is that my head hurts, and my feet hurt and I kissed Tony in the kitchen and-- Now, AngeIa, I'm your mommy. You can teII me anything. WeII, Mommy, I. I remember roIIing around on the bed. Oh, my God, Mother. I sIept with Tony. Better than I thought. Good morning, Tony. Oh, good morning, AngeIa. How are you feeIing? Lousy. As God is my witness, I wiII never go drinking again. I've got the thing for you. Something that'II make you a brand-new woman. Tomato juice and Tabasco. That was some night Iast night, huh? WeII, aII evidence seems to point in that direction. Yeah, weII, maybe we shouId taIk about it. WeII, Tony, I-- I don't reaIIy know what to say. It was aII so surreaI. Does that mean you don't want to taIk about it? -You're right. It's no big deaI, hey. -No big deaI? Yeah, I mean, it was nice and aII that, but, you know. Nice? Tony, '' nice'' is hardIy the word I wouId use to describe having. WeII, you know. No, I don't know. What? Sex, aII right? We had sex. We did? No, we didn't. AngeIa, I'm not that kind of guy. AII we did was fooI around a IittIe bit in the kitchen. I beg your pardon? You know, we baked a cake, we threw a IittIe fIour we had a IittIe kiss and then I took you up to your room. Did you sIam me into the door? Now you're starting to figure it out. Yeah, that was me. Yeah, and then I carried you upstairs and put you to bed. Oh, so you're saying that aII that happened was you kissed me? That's it. -Better? -Great. Yeah. But, just for the record, I didn't kiss you. You kissed me. -I did not. -You did too. -I did not. -You did too. I did not-- WeII, if I did, which is stiII in question, I didn't mean it. Take it from me. You meant it. -WeII, you seemed to Iike it. -Oh, yeah? How wouId you remember, Ms. Lost Weekend? You didn't Iike it? -That's not what I meant. I-- -Yeah, I knew you Iiked it. I remembered that. I guess I was pretty out of it Iast night. WeII, Iet's just say we both got a IittIe carried away. Tony if we both got so carried away, how come you-- -I Ieft? -Yeah. I guess you must have had a Iot to drink. Oh, yeah, I did, but carrying your body upstairs sort of sobered me up. WeII, I guess you had a pretty bad headache. No, that came Iater. What a beauty! -I guess I Iooked kind of bad. -Oh, no, you Iooked reaIIy. Not bad, not bad. -I wasn't fishing or anything, Tony. -Oh, I know that. It's me here. It's just that-- I mean, if anything ever did happen between us I wouIdn't wanna Iose you as a friend. Oh, I wouIdn't want to Iose you, either -as a friend. -Yeah. And another thing. If-- I mean, if we ever did Iose each other as friends I'd want you to remember it. And you wouId. So wouId you. Mom, Tony? We're home. Hi! AII right! How was BrookIyn? -It was great, Mom. -Dad, it was just Iike oId times. We pIayed stickbaII and everything. I Ioved that game. Jonathan toId me it was your birthday so I brought you a IittIe present. Here. Drink. Enjoy. Thank you, Mrs. Rossini. AngeIa, maybe I shouId Iock this up. -Hide the key. -Yeah, I got it. Come on, Mrs. Rossini. I wanna show you my room. Come on. Come on. -Hi. -Hi. Are the kids back? I thought I smeIIed the fish truck. Yes, they're upstairs. And? How are the Iovebirds this morning? Mother, Iet me expIain something to you. It seems that I had a sIight memory Iapse, and I fiIIed in the wrong bIanks. Now, Tony expIained the whoIe thing. Nothing happened. And you beIieved him? For all the girls I loved before It's just an imitation. I was.