Tales from the Crypt S2E18 - English Transcript

[MUMBLING] "A BOY OLIVER TWIST" OLIVER TWIST" WHAT? SO WHERE'S THE TWIST? AND I HAD SUCH GREAT EXPECTATIONS. AH. NOW HERE'S A STORY YOU CAN SINK YOUR TEETH INTO A TOOTHSOME TALE OF TOMMYRO GUARANTEED TO SCARE THE DICKENS OUT OF YOU. LEAN IN, FRIGHT FANS. I'M GOING TO LET YOU IN ONTHE SECRET. I'M GOING TO LET YOU IN ONTHE SECRET. [SQUEAK] Woman: DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING? NOW, THE MOST IMPORTAN THING YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER IS THAT THESE BOYS CANNOT-- I REPEAT-- CANNOT BE TRUSTED. Second woman: THEY SEEM SO SWEET. I'M NOT HAVING ANY PROBLEMS AT ALL. HA HA. OF COURSE THEY SEEM SWEET. THEY SEEM DARLING, DON'T THEY? SOME OF THEM HAVE TO BE WATCHED EVERY SINGLE MINUTE. I HAVE BEEN RUNNING THIS ORPHANAGE FOR 20 YEARS. YOU KNOW HOW MANY BOYS I'VE RAISED? NO, MA'AM. AT THIS POINT AT THIS POINT AND THE WORST THING IS THEY CHEAT. DON'T YOU EVER SEE THEM CHEAT? THEY LOOK A EACH OTHER'S PAPERS. I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT HAPPEN. WELL, I'M TELLING YOU THAT THEY DO. AND I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? YES. I UNDERSTAND. YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT DISCIPLINE. IT'S OUR DUTY TO PROTEC THESE LITTLE RAGAMUFFINS FROM BECOMING JUVENILE DELINQUENTS. THERE'S ONE MORE THING. THERE'S ONE MORE THING. WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEODORE. HE'S WELL PAST THE DESIRABLE AGE FOR PLACEMENT. MOST ADOPTIVE PARENTS ARE LOOKING FOR SOME CUTE LITTLE TODDLER. WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS REAL PARENTS? YOU MUST NEVER EVER MENTION HIS REAL PARENTS. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR? OR HIS BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS. YES, MA'AM. YES, MA'AM. THEODORE! GET OUT OF HERE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU WERE SPYING, WEREN'T YOU? NO, MISS HAGSTEAD. I WAS HUNGRY. YOU LITTLE RAT! STEALING FOOD WHILE THE OTHER CHILDREN SLEEP? I'M BIGGER THAN THE OTHER KIDS. AND THAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO SNEAK AROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? DOES IT? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? DOES IT? DOES IT? DOES IT? TAKE HIM BACK UPSTAIRS. TAKE HIM BACK UPSTAIRS. MAKE SURE THAT HE DOESN' LEAVE HIS ROOM AGAIN. THAT HE DOESN' LEAVE HIS ROOM AGAIN. YES, MA'AM. YES, MA'AM. YOU AND MISS HAGSTEAD WERE TELLING SECRETS ABOUT ME, WEREN'T YOU? WHAT MISS HAGSTEAD AND I DISCUSS AT NIGHT IS VERY PRIVATE. MISS HEATHER, DO YOU HAVE TO LOCK ME IN MY ROOM? SHH. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES, THEO. JUST TRY AND GE A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP. THERE'LL BE OATMEAL AND WARM BISCUITS FOR BREAKFAST. AND WHAT'S FOR LUNCH? WELL, WE'LL HAVE VEGETABLE SOUP AND CRACKERS AND LEMONADE AND AND LEMONADE AND MISS HAGSTEAD! MISS HAGSTEAD, THEODORE'S GONE. I WENT TO HIS ROOM TO GET HIM OUT, AND HIS WINDOW WAS OPEN, AND HE WAS GONE. OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. HE'LL BE BACK. HE HAS THESE LITTLE TEMPER TANTRUMS EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE AND RUNS OFF FOR A FEW HOURS. HE'S INCORRIGIBLE. WE'VE GO TO TRY TO GET RID OF HIM. [DOOR OPENS] [DOOR OPENS] WELL. GOOD MORNING, THEODORE. CLIMBING OUT THE WINDOW AND SLIDING DOWN THE DRAIN PIPE IN A STORM IS DIRTY WORK, ISN'T IT? I WANT YOU TO GE OUT OF THOSE CLOTHES AND HELP JOEY IN THE KITCHEN. NOW! YES, MA'AM. YES, MA'AM. HE'S GETTING WORSE. HE'S GETTING WORSE. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BOOGERS AND BROCCOLI? I DON'T KNOW. KIDS DON'T EAT BROCCOLI. THAT'S A GOOD ONE. BUT DON'T TELL THA TO MISS HAGSTEAD. THEO, I HAVE SOME EXCITING NEWS. JOEY, WHY DON'T YOU RUN OFF AND PLAY? PLAY, PLAY, PLAY. I NEVER GET TO STICK AROUND FOR THE GOOD STUFF. THEO, THERE'S SOME SPECIAL PEOPLE COMING HERE TONIGHT. THEY'RE VERY INTERESTED IN MEETING YOU. IT'S IMPORTANT THAT WE MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION. YOU DO UNDERSTAND WHA THIS COULD MEAN, DON'T YOU? CHEER UP, BUCKAROO. IT'S OK. Miss Hagstead: MISS HEATHER. YES, MA'AM. COMING. YES, MA'AM. COMING. Woman: YOU ARE PERFECT. Woman: YOU ARE PERFECT. ISN'T HE PERFECT? MMM. HE'S PERFECT. WE'LL TAKE HIM. ALL THE REST OF YOU ARE EXCUSED. ALL THE REST OF YOU ARE EXCUSED. EXCELLENT CHOICE. WHAT IF I DON' WANT TO GO? THEODORE. OH, I UNDERSTAND. THIS IS YOUR HOME, THEODORE. BUT WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO COME AND LIVE WITH US IN THE LAP OF LUXURY? IMAGINE HAVING YOUR OWN BATHROOM WITH TOWELS THAT HAVE YOUR INITIALS ON THEM. BUT COULD I TAKE JOEY? DOO-DOO-DOO. THEODORE. MAYBE WE SHOULD JUS DISCUSS IT OVER A CUP OF TEA. THEODORE, YOU WANNA COME HELP ME IN THE KITCHEN? EXCUSE US. EXCUSE US. NOW LISTEN TO ME, YOU PESKY LITTLE SPUTNIK! IF THESE PEOPLE WANT YOU, YOU'RE GOING. WHERE ARE MY REAL PARENTS, MISS HAGSTEAD? WHERE ARE MY REAL PARENTS, MISS HAGSTEAD? YOUR REAL PARENTS? OH, THEODORE. THEODORE, THEY WERE KILLED WHEN YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE BABY. HOW DID THEY DIE? HOW DID THEY DIE? WHAT? I THE DETAILS AREN'T IMPORTANT. THE DETAILS AREN'T IMPORTANT. OH, THEODORE. THE COLBERTS, THEY'RE A LITTLE ECCENTRIC, BUT THEY'RE GOING TO PROVIDE YOU WITH A LOVELY HOME, GOOD, SWEE THINGS TO EAT. YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU? YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU? [CAR ENGINE STARTS] [CAR ENGINE STARTS] Mrs. Colbert: HOME AT LAST. OH, IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE YOU'LL FORGE ALL ABOUT THAT NASTY OLD ORPHANAGE, THEODORE. WON'T IT BE WONDERFUL HAVING HIM? Mr. Colbert: MMM. WONDERFUL HAVING HIM. HAVING HIM. WOW. IT'S LIKE A MUSEUM. IT'S LIKE A MUSEUM. [DOG BARKING] [DOG BARKING] LILITU, HUSH. YOU MUST NEVER TOUCH ANYTHING, THEODORE. YOU MUST NEVER TOUCH ANYTHING, THEODORE. SOME OF THESE OBJECTS ARE EXTREMELY OLD, AND OTHERS HAVE SENTIMENTAL VALUE. [TOOT TOOT] [TOOT TOOT] [TOOT TOOT] WOW. WOW. [TOOT TOOT] [TOOT TOOT] [TOOT TOOT] THANKS A LOT-- THANKS A LOT-- [KEYS RATTLE] [KEYS RATTLE] YOU'VE BEEN SO PATIENT. WE'VE WAITED SO LONG. MMM. MRS. COLBERT. MRS. COLBERT. WHY DID YOU LOCK THE DOOR? WHY DID YOU LOCK THE DOOR? MR. COLBERT? MR. COLBERT? MR. COLBERT? MR. COLBERT? [BARKING] [BARKING] WHAT DID MISS HAGSTEAD TELL THEM? WHAT DID MISS HAGSTEAD TELL THEM? [DRAPES OPENING] [DRAPES OPENING] BREAKFAST, YOUNG SIR. WOW. I'LL BE SERVING ALL YOUR MEALS WHILE THE COLBERTS ARE AWAY AT WORK. IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN GE FOR YOU, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. NAME IS TOBIAS. NAME IS TOBIAS. THANK YOU, TOBIAS. MAY I HAVE A GLASS OF MILK? HOW ABOUT A MILKSHAKE? I THINK I'M GOING TO LIKE IT HERE. ONE MILKSHAKE COMING RIGHT UP. AND IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE YOU DESIRE, PLEASE DON' HESITATE TO CALL. WHY ARE THERE BARS OUTSIDE THE WINDOWS? WHY ARE THERE BARS OUTSIDE THE WINDOWS? THERE ARE BARS OUTSIDE ALL THE WINDOWS IN THIS HOUSE FOR SECURITY. THE COLBERTS COLLECT ANTIQUES. THE COLBERTS COLLECT ANTIQUES. MMM. MMM. OH, WHAT A GLORIOUS NIGHT. MMM. GLORIOUS. MRS. COLBERT? WHY DO I HAVE TO STAY IN MY ROOM ALL DAY WHILE YOU AND MR. COLBER ARE AT WORK? YOU'RE THE MOST PRECIOUS THING WE HAVE, THEODORE. WE DON'T WANT TO RISK YOUR GETTING LOS IN THOSE WOODS. MM-HMM. AND TOBIAS IS MUCH TOO OLD TO BE CHASING AFTER YOU. AND TOBIAS IS MUCH TOO OLD TO BE CHASING AFTER YOU. I'VE BEEN THINKING. MAYBE SOMETIME, COULD WE GO OUT? YOU KNOW, LIKE TO THE MOVIES OR ROLLER SKATING OR A BALL GAME, LIKE A REAL FAMILY. WHAT A LOVELY IDEA, THEODORE. UNFORTUNATELY, MR. COLBER AND I HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW. BUT WE'RE IN THE MIDST OF PLANNING SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL FOR YOU, THEODORE. VERY SPECIAL. REALLY? WHAT? OH, IT'S A SECRET. WHEN? YOU DON'T WANT US TO SPOIL THE SECRET, DO YOU? YOU DON'T WANT US TO SPOIL THE SECRET, DO YOU? I HATE SECRETS. MMM. MMM. [SIREN] [SIREN] Tobias: LUNCH TIME. Tobias: LUNCH TIME. WE HAVE STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE AND A CHOCOLATE SUNDAE WITH EXTRA SYRUP. HERE WE ARE. WE NEVER GOT FOOD LIKE THIS AT THE ORPHANAGE. WE NEVER GOT FOOD LIKE THIS AT THE ORPHANAGE. TOBIAS. TOBIAS. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN COME BACK AND VISIT BEFORE SUPPER? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN COME BACK AND VISIT BEFORE SUPPER? I SUPPOSE I COULD COME BACK, AND WE COULD PLAY A LITTLE CARDS OR SOMETHING. AND WE COULD PLAY A LITTLE CARDS OR SOMETHING. [TOOT TOOT] [TOOT TOOT] Miss Hagstead: IT'S OUR DUTY TO PROTECT THESE LITTLE RAGAMUFFINS FROM BECOMING JUVENILE DELINQUENTS. Miss Heather: YES, MA'AM. IT'S OUR DUTY. YES, MA'AM. YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT DISCIPLINE. DISCIPLINE, DISCIPLINE, DISCIPLINE. DISCIPLINE, DISCIPLINE, DISCIPLINE. Miss Hagstead: MISS HEATHER! IS THAT KITCHEN CLEANED UP YET? IS THAT KITCHEN CLEANED UP YET? IS SOMETHING WRONG, THEO? IS SOMETHING WRONG, THEO? NO. I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE PLAYING ANYMORE. WHERE ARE THE COLBERTS? WHERE ARE THE COLBERTS? WELL THEY'RE INDISPOSED. [DOOR UNLOCKING] SURPRISE! [WHISTLE] j&j& A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR YOU j&j& j&j& A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR YOU j&j& j&j& HAPPY BIRTHDAY, THEODORE j&j& [WHISTLE] HURRY, THEODORE. BLOW OUT YOUR CANDLES. HURRY, THEODORE. BLOW OUT YOUR CANDLES. OH, GOOD! OH, GOOD! BUT IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY. WELL, OF COURSE IT ISN'T, DEAR. THEN IT WOULDN' BE A SURPRISE. THEN IT WOULDN' BE A SURPRISE. IT LOOKS REALLY GOOD, BUT I'M REALLY NOT HUNGRY. I HAD A COUPLE BOXES OF CRACKER JACKS ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. WELL, SAVE I FOR LATER, THEN. WELL, YOU BOYS ENJOY YOURSELVES. YOUR FATHER AND I ARE GOING OU TO PAIN THE TOWN RED. TO PAIN THE TOWN RED. OPEN YOUR PRESENTS, THEODORE. GOOD NIGHTSON. GOOD NIGHTSON. HOW LONG HAVE YOU WORKED FOR THE COLBERTS? HOW LONG HAVE YOU WORKED FOR THE COLBERTS? FOR A LONG TIME. FOR A LONG TIME. SINCE I WAS A YOUNG MAN. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, DID YOUR MOM AND DAD WORK EVERY DAY LIKE THE COLBERTS DO? DID YOUR MOM AND DAD WORK EVERY DAY LIKE THE COLBERTS DO? I NEVER KNEW MY MOTHER AND FATHER. YOU, TOO? YES. YES. I WAS AN ORPHAN, LIKE YOURSELF. WERE YOU EVER ADOPTED? NO. THERE WAS A TOBIAS AT THE ORPHANAGE, BUT WE CALLED HIM TOBY. DOES ANYBODY CALL YOU TOBY? NO. NO. BUT YOU MAY IF YOU INSIST. I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE, TOBY. I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE, TOBY. Mrs. Colbert: TOBIAS! Mrs. Colbert: TOBIAS! TIME FOR BED. TIME FOR BED. TOBY? TOBY? GOOD NIGHT, TOBY. GOOD NIGHT, TOBY. GOOD NIGHT, MY BOY. GOOD NIGHT, MY BOY. [CHIME] [CHIME] [CHIME] [CHIME] [CHIME] [FOOTSTEPS] [FOOTSTEPS] Mr. Colbert: WAKE HIM UP WHEN WE RETURN. Mrs. Colbert: NO. THIS WAS MY IDEA. I'LL CALL THE SHOTS, AND I'LL DECIDE WHEN OUR LITTLE ORPHANED DELICACY IS READY FOR IS READY FOR-- SHH! I CAN HEAR HIS LITTLE HEART BEATING. SHH! I CAN HEAR HIS LITTLE HEART BEATING. SUCH A SWEET BOY. SUCH A SWEET BOY. I DON'T THINK I CAN WAIT MUCH LONGER. WHEN WE GET HOME, WE'LL TELL HIM OUR SECRET. WE'LL TELL HIM OUR SECRET. [LOCK CLICKS] [LOCK CLICKS] [DOOR OPENS] [DOOR CLOSES] [DOOR CLOSES] [CAR ENGINE STARTS] [CAR ENGINE STARTS] [CAR APPROACHES] [CAR DOORS OPENING] [CAR DOORS CLOSING] [FOOTSTEPS] [FOOTSTEPS] [KEYS RATTLING] [KEYS RATTLING] WAKE UP, THEODORE. WE HAVE TO GO. HURRY! I DON'T FEEL WELL. I HAVE TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE. IT MAY ALREADY BE TOO LATE. IT MAY ALREADY BE TOO LATE. WELL, WELL. HELLO, BOYS. MAKING OFF WITH THE GOODS, ARE WE, TOBIAS? BUT WE HAVEN'T TOLD HIM OUR SECRET YET. I CAN' GO THROUGH WITH IT. WE MADE A DEAL, TOBIAS. YOU ASKED FOR IMMORTALITY. TONIGH WE GIVE IT TO YOU. NOT BAD COMPENSATION FOR A LITTLE BABY-SITTING JOB. TOBIAS! DON'T YOU WAN EVERLASTING LIFE? EVERLASTING LIFE? I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYTHING MORE TEDIOUS AND BORING. YOU QUIT, I TAKE IT. PLEASE. LET THE BOY GO. BUT HIS BLOOD IS SO SWEET NOW. [HISSES] [HISSES] [GROWLING] NO! THEODORE, RUN! NO! THEODORE, RUN! NO! TOBY! NO! TOBY! TOBY! TOBY! [GROWLING] [HISSING] LILITU! LEAVE SOME FOR US! LEAVE SOME FOR US! [GASPS] [GASPS] [PANTING] [PANTING] [BARKS] [BARKS] [BARKING] [BARKING] [LILITU GROWLING] [LILITU GROWLING] [GROWLING] [GROWLING] Mr. Colbert: GOOD DOG, LILITU. [GROWLING] WHEW. IF WE WEREN'T ALREADY DEAD, THEODORE, YOU'D BE THE DEATH OF US. HA HA HA. YOU'D BE THE DEATH OF US. HA HA HA. NOW I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PARENTS. I KNOW WHY MISS HAGSTEAD WANTED TO GET RID OF ME. I HAVE A SECRET, TOO, MRS. COLBERT. I'M SURE YOU HAVE, DEAR. [GRUFF VOICE] AND MINE IS BETTER THAN YOURS. [GRUFF VOICE] AND MINE IS BETTER THAN YOURS. I'M A WEREWOLF. AND I HAVE AN APPETITE FOR VAMPIRES! [GROWLS] AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! [KNOCK ON DOOR] [KNOCK ON DOOR] [KNOCK ON DOOR] WHO IS IT? WHO'S THERE? SHH! SHH! SHH! SHH! YOU'LL WAKE THE WHOLE DAMN LOT OF THEM. [PANTING] [PANTING] [GASPS] GOOD EVENING, MISS HAGSTEAD, MISS HEATHER. GOOD EVENING, MISS HAGSTEAD, MISS HEATHER. I'M HOME. I'M HOME. YOU'RE BACK. I KNOW MY SECRET, MISS HAGSTEAD, AND I THINK SOME THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE AROUND HERE. [HOWL, IN DISTANCE] [HOWL, IN DISTANCE] AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! FINALLY THE KID GETS THE UPPER HAND, OR SHOULD I SAY THE UPPER PAW? JUST WHEN MOM AND POP ARE ABOU TO SATISFY THEIR SWEET TOOTH, THEODORE DECIDES TO WOLF DOWN SOMETHING BESIDES SWEETS. [CACKLES] WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, KIDDIES. AS ONE COW SAID TO THE OTHER AS THEY HEADED OFF TO SLAUGHTER, TILL NEXT WE MEAT. [CACKLES] [CACKLES] CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.