He Taught Me How to Drive by

NANCY: Previously on Weeds. That was a real nice brick dance. Well, I left you a package in the garage. NANCY: ***? We need these votes. I'm thinking a golf membership. I don't play golf. What is it you do play, Celia? I play house. We're shooting a movie in one of our empty houses. Needs a caterer. You'll thank me later. Can you convince Mom that I'm stuck in a classroom full of religious zealots two clicks away from jihad? I like you, Nancy Botwin. I bet you look good rolling right out of bed in the morning. Have you been *** him the whole time you were married to me? It's just business between us. Always has been. Agent Fundis, DEA. I'm here to talk about Peter Scottson. He hasn't come into work for a few days and we haven't heard from him. Clinique here'll go take you in the other room and *** the gay outta you. I can see your ***. Don't be embarrassed, that's what God's love is all about. I been shot. Man, you think it was the Mexicans? Cucaracha ***. (GUN FIRING) Now, where's our crop? You'll get your *** crops, and then we're done with your ***. It's over when I say it's over. U-Turn? U-Turn, oh, my God. Call for help. MARVIN: I've been waiting a long time for this, ***. (CRYING) U-turn's dead, he's dead. (LITTLE BOXES PLAYING) (GOSPEL MUSIC ON STEREO) Why exactly is he in a hot tub? The boat didn't fit. Oh, of course not. Yeah. Look at his grandmamma crying over there in her designer dress. He sure was good to her. She gonna miss that gravy train. Someone should go over there and poke him. See if he flinch or something. Just to be sure. He look pretty dead to me. What's up, Two Strikes? Hey Clinique. How you doing, baby? Oh, *** pregnant again. Some Indian kid I mercy *** for U-Turn. Oh, sorry. You all know each other? Yeah. What's up? I ain't giving this one up. Damn, I remember when he was just a wannabe. We busted our carjacking cherries together. He taught me how to drive-by. Respect. Thank you. Don't think of this as a loss of identity, think of this as an upgrade to a better way of life. Better services, better schools, better tax base. Oh, enough! Agrestic and Majestic are never gonna merge. I told them about your deal with Celia. Where are our houses? MAN: Yeah. Where are ours? I was more than generous with all of you. All right, let's get an idea how the vote's gonna go. I gotta get home for Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? All those in favor of a town merger with Majestic, say aye. All those against. Nay. Oh, the nays have it. Up your ***, Groff. Friends, this is a colossal mistake. Think of the people you represent. The votes aren't there. Nothing more to say. Find yourself another town to swallow. Celia can help you, she's good at that. All right, not so fast, fourth grader. There is a way to bypass the city council on this issue. If it's put to a referendum, the town can decide. Referendum. Hell of an idea, Councilwoman Hodes. ***. ALL: (COUGHING) ***. ALL: (COUGHING) ***. Ow! Oops. You did that on purpose. Hey guys, come on. What's wrong with you people? Ms. Hodes knows that this is good for Agrestic. Whatever. Let's get out of here. I wanna thank you for that. Hey, that's what friends do. I don't wanna be your friend. Come home with me. What about lunch tomorrow? I'm not hungry for food. Well, maybe by then you will be. So, what does this mean for our debt? Are we off the hook? Depends on who makes new leader. Well, how does that work? Is there an election? What, you ain't get the ballot? There's Marvin, maybe he can shed some light. Hey, Marvin. How you doing? Okay. I know this must be really hard for you, losing your friend, your coz, which could mean your cousin or not. I'm a little unclear. But also your leader. My dad and his moms were second cousins. Oh, there you go. So, I just also wanted to say that it's been great getting to know you, and maybe one day... Wait. You think 'cause U-Turn dead, you off the hook? No. Who's in charge now? Me. I'm the *** in charge over here. You owe me now. You got a problem with that? No, it's just... That's a big job you're taking on, Marvin. I'm a big boy. Yeah. How's your *** doing? How'd you know about that? Nancy? I didn't say anything. I swear. U-Turn. He said something about it the other day when he paid me a visit. He said the Mexicans popped you? You gonna take that *** on? I ain't afraid of those Taco Bells. But I am gonna settle things right. Call a meeting. Figure something out before we all kill each other. You're going face to face. They gonna gun your big *** down for real this time. Not with her there, they won't. No one wants a dead white lady on their hands. Oh, I'm not sure I'm comfortable going to a gang summit. You ain't got no *** choice. We going tomorrow. I thought you were going to summer camp. Too expensive with the divorce. Everything's a mess. So, what's the deal here? Watch. This is a case of betrayal. Judas did it. This is the strange case of the mad scientist. Big ***'s a lie and dinosaurs lived on earth the same time as man. Shane Botwin. What? If you're gonna shove your doctrine down our throats, at least be clever about it. Oh, I thought I was. But I guess you're just too smart for me. Perhaps you should take over. Present something to the class that is mysterious to you. Okay. Okay, stand up. I'd like to solve the mystery of the school that receives federal funding, yet promotes a religious curriculum in direct violation of Church-State separation mandates. Sit down, Shane Botwin. Yes, sir. Jesus Christ. Exactly. (SLURPING) How you doing? You know, living the dream. You? How did you know Marvin got shot? U-Turn never said anything about it that day. You really think that you deserve to know the answer to that? I think that's what you wanted to talk to me about. Maybe I want to talk to you about how you kiss. Well, maybe that's a discussion for another time. Look. The Mexicans are real pissed at Marvin for his part in the drive-by. U-Turn's really pissed they shot Marvin in the ***. Maybe they didn't shoot him in the ***. Maybe someone else did it to make it look like the Mexicans did it. Maybe someone did it to start a gang war and let all them *** kill each other, so that we could all be free. Don't go to this meeting. Now he's concerned. What the hell was I supposed to do? Something. Maybe I was doing it. Man. Sorry I knocked over your plant. It wasn't my plant. I'm telling you, Mom, I'm at a very impressionable age, and if you're not careful, this pedagogy will take root, and you'll end up with a right wing narc on your hands. Hang tough. Stick to your beliefs. Show a little character. I know you have it in you. They're fundamentalists. You're not getting out of summer school. I don't have anywhere else to put you, and you're not sitting at home all day playing with my video games. SHANE: Don't say I didn't warn you. Morning. Mom, this is Tara. It's a little early for a visitor, isn't it? She slept over. Silas. Mom. Not after Megan and Quinn. NANCY: I'm not going through this again. You're not gonna make me that mom. Tara, it's lovely to meet you. You seem like a nice girl. But my son isn't allowed to have sleepovers and he knows this... Oh, we're not having sex, Mrs. Botwin. I'm a ***. Oh, really? I honor God with my abstinence. Until the day I join my husband in marriage. You don't say. They're everywhere. It's true. We're abstaining. Well, good for you. I have a question. Do you really think evolution is a lie? Well, I believe that I'm descended from Adam and Eve, and not a monkey. So, natural selection, Darwinism, empirical data, none of that factors in for you? Evolution is just a theory. I mean that's why they call it the Theory of Evolution and not the Fact of Evolution. Oh, what about... Hey. You've asked your question, all right? Now, shut the *** up. NANCY: Silas, don't swear at your brother. Shane, don't antagonize Tara. Tara, keep saving it for the Lord. Where the ***'s Andy? MAN: Okay, everybody. That's lunch. (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Lexington Steele? Oh, pleasure to meet you, sir. Andy Botwin. Huge fan. Not huge the way you're huge, admiration huge. Thanks, bud. Huh? Your ***. The one they had molded from your ***. I was with a girl, Israeli, she strapped it on. To be truthful, for me, too big. Uh, the ***, not the girl. Gave me a little oose-lay oopie-pay. Look, what's good on the menu? Oh, what isn't good? In the style of this house, I present you a Mediterranean feast. Hummus, baba ghanoush, couscous... Oh, yeah, kebabs right there. Okay. So, does beef keep you hard? I just like beef. Oh, ladies, back away. One stray *** in the tabbouleh, the health department could shut down the whole buffet. Wait, look at you shaven mavens. I take it all back, go ahead. Step right up. You're funny. And cute, for a cook. What's up? Come on in. Close the door. Fine, but we're keeping the shades open. Listen, I just had a development get shut down in Phoenix because of some paperwork issues, and I need for that not to happen here. Be a doll and legalize my construction crew for me this afternoon. Look, I know this is not the most kosher thing in the world to do, so if you can't do it, I'll just fire you and hire someone who will. (CHUCKLES) Uh, you have no idea how un-kosher I can be. Oh, well, now, I'm intrigued. Tell me more. Can I do this tomorrow? I have an appointment this afternoon. An appointment? It's a woman thing. Oh, well, it always is with you women. Okay, tomorrow. I got lunch. I figured we'd eat at one of those tables in the courtyard and... Oh. Nancy, I only have two sandwiches. I'm sorry. No problem, Celia. You know, Sullivan, the fastest way to get those referendum signatures may be to have Nancy gather them. She has scads of sales experience. SULLIVAN: That's a great idea, Celia. Yeah, you've got yourself a good little worker here. I'll be back later. (WOMEN MOANING LOUDLY) Dude, if you are *** with us, that is so not cool... (SHUSHING) We're rolling. These are my dishwashers. Over here. Be cool. (WOMEN MOANING) This is the greatest thing I've ever seen. Why's the black guy wearing a pirate's hat? It's called Peckers of the Caribbean. He's Captain Jack. Get it? Not really. Shouldn't they be on a ship? There's an anchor. (FARTING) Ew! STEELE: Oh, pardon me. Come on, girls, we're still rolling here. Come on, keep going. Still rolling, still rolling. WOMAN: Oh, god, oh. Actually, I need five minutes. Better make it 10. DIRECTOR: Cut. Cut. (FARTING) Hey. Sore. Hi, I'm... I'm Dean. Are you staring at my ***? Yeah. I didn't do anything. *** pervert. I didn't do anything. Escort Mr. *** here off the property. Let's go. I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. Paul, I gotta go home. His food game me the ***. Well, I guess we're even. (GROANING) *** it. My lead's gone. This is not good, not good. Let's do all girls. Honey, it's called Peckers of the Caribbean. How are we gonna do a movie about peckers without peckers? I'll do it. I recently measured myself and I'm quite large. Not Lex large, but respectable. And I'm practically a peg leg. Okay, fair enough. Jenny, this one goes, too. And you, listen to me. From now on, it's chicken and *** rice. If I see anything ethnic on this table, you are fired. The only thing I want coming out of my actors' *** is a hard ***. Got it? Say you love Jesus. Say it. If I say I love another man, doesn't that make me gay? Do you want to be damned for all eternity? No, I just want you to go to hell. (GRUNTS) We're trying to save you. AMELIA: You guys, stop. "Blessed are the peacemakers." Matthew 5:9. Shane, don't you want to be saved? By you? Well, only you can decide to take Jesus into your heart, but I can help. We can talk about him, study his word. Why don't we try it at lunch today? See how it goes. Okay. Great. What happened to you? Amelia's going to save me. Amelia. I'm not sure this is such a good idea. You second guessing me, ***? No, not at all. Respect. I'm just... Maybe you shouldn't mention them having shot you or the drive-by. You know how gangsters can be, and their egos, and their guns and shivs. Look, they ain't gonna shoot you in public, so just shut the *** up. Hey, it's the brick dance lady. Yo. Give me back our *** chiva. Man, I don't got your chiva. I'm just here to tell you that if you let me have the weed trade, you can take everything else. All the hard ***'s yours. I ain't a greedy hard-*** like U-Turn. (EXCLAIMING) Where's our *** chiva, pendejo? Yo, man, I ain't got it. No. Please. Know what? Maybe we kill you anyway. Turn you on a spit. (MEN LAUGHING) I can feed a whole *** country. What... What's chiva? Tigre. Goma. Brea. No, no, no, no, no comprende. ***, chelita. Ah! Oh... No. Now I think I know what he's talking about. You got my chapapote? Oh, jeez, you have so many names for it. Yeah, it's kind of like Eskimos and snow. Right? You better talk quick before I pop burrito here, querida. If I knew where it was, your stuff, and you got it back, would you leave us alone? (MUFFLED PLEADING) Would you please take the gun out of his mouth? That *** trusted you and not me? Okay, enough, Marvin. He didn't appreciate you. Now, listen, listen, listen. I want you to wipe out my debt, all of it. Along with Heylia's and Conrad's. Gone. Finished. Over. ***. You mine, ***, you all mine. Guillermo, Marvin doesn't want me to give you your chiva back. I want to, but I'm his ***, so I can't. (GROANING) Yo, Fat Albert. You gonna give my brick dancer what she wants? Or maybe you wanna hang out with U-Turn again? (SOBBING) I'm sure that he's lonely en el infierno. Okay, okay. On your mother's life? I swear. You off the hook. And I'm growing impatient. NANCY: Okay, one sec. One sec, one sec, one sec. (MARVIN BLUBBERING) Okay, tomorrow morning, go to this address, follow these instructions, you'll get your trunk. Okay? Hey, both of you. These streets belongs to Mexico now. You out of the drug business, amigos. Not even mota. Oh, that's weed in English. I don't ever want to see or hear about you dealing anywhere in my city. Nada. Nothing. (SAYING GOODBYE IN SPANISH) (MEN LAUGHING) (IMITATING FAT ALBERT) Hey, hey, hey. Hey, Amelia. I missed you at lunch today. What happened? I apologize, Shane. I haven't forgotten about you. The Lord has sent me someone who's in greater need of prayer and counsel. Yeah? But I'm a blasphemous, liberal Jew. What could be worse than that? Isabelle thinks she's a homosexual, but she's just lost her way. I've gotta help her. (NANCY GREETING IN SPANISH) Um... Hola. Su nombre es Martin Shackelman. Hola, Senor Shackelman. Mi nombre es Estefan Fenelon. No, Estefan. You are now Harold Strauss. (RESPONDING IN SPANISH) Um... Sign with your new name, por favor. Sign this petition for an Agrestic, Majestic merge. (AFFIRMING IN SPANISH) It's a beautiful thing. (THANKING IN SPANISH) Gotta learn Spanish. (THUNDER CRASHING) Your referendum, non-kosher. I don't believe it. You couldn't have had time to get them all. I'm very resourceful. (THUNDER RUMBLING) There's a towel in the bathroom if you need to get out of your wet clothes. I don't need a towel. You're gonna help me celebrate. What are we celebrating? My freedom. Are you quitting? No. At least not yet. We're gonna see how this goes first. Any chance you speak Spanish? Huh? Nevermind. Oh. I have to warn you... my last 2 relationships... both guys ended up dead. (MUSIC PLAYING)