Dump - A - Rooney

ALMOST READY, DAD? WE GOT TO GET A LITTLE PRACTICE IN. - JUST LACING UP. - ( blows whistle ) DELAY OF GAME ON DAD! OKAY, PARKER, IF YOU WANT TO BE OUR REF, AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL WE START PLAYING. ( blows whistle ) TALKING BACK TO THE REF, TECHNICAL FOUL! WHAT ARE THOSE? THOSE ARE SHORTS. IT WAS A DARK TIME IN FASHION BEFORE YOU WERE BORN. THESE ARE PRIME-TIME PETE ROONEY'S LUCKY SHORTS. HE WORE THEM WHEN HE LED RIDGEWOOD TO THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIP, SO HE'S WEARING THEM NOW. AND WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, IT MEANS PRIME-TIME PETE ROONEY'S FIXING TO WIN. OUR TOWN HAS A BIG TWO-ON-TWO TOURNAMENT WHERE AN ADULT TEAMS UP WITH A KID AND, UH, HA, NO GIRL'S EVER WON... TILL NOW. I WAS SAYING THAT I'M GONNA BE THE FIRST GIRL TO WIN. WAS THAT NOT CLEAR WITHOUT THE "BAM, WHAT?" YEAH, OKAY. BAM! WHAT?! OKAY, DAD. I'VE SEEN YOU HOLDING A CLIPBOARD ON THE COURT. NOW LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN STILL PLAY. OH, I CAN STILL PLAY. CHECK IT. WHAT? OH, OH NO. JUST A LITTLE RUSTY. ( blows whistle ) TRAVELING! - TRAVELING? - YEAH. THOSE TINY SHORTS ARE TRAVELING RIGHT UP YOUR BUTT. ( laughs, snorts ) ( theme music plays ) ♪ BETTER IN STEREO ♪ ♪ B-- B-- BETTER IN STEREO ♪ - ♪ I'M UP WITH THE SUNSHINE ♪ - ♪ LET'S GO ♪ - ♪ I LACE UP MY HIGH TOPS ♪ - ♪ OH NO ♪ - ♪ SLAM DUNK ♪ - ♪ READY OR NOT ♪ ♪ YEAH, SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT ♪ - ♪ I'M UNDER THE SPOTLIGHT ♪ - ♪ HOLLER ♪ ♪ I DARE YOU, COME ON AND FOLLOW ♪ ♪ YOU DANCE TO YOUR OWN BEAT ♪ ♪ I'LL SING THE MELODY ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU SAY YEA-AH-AH ♪ ♪ I SAY NO-OH-OH ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU SAY STOP ♪ ♪ ALL I WANT TO DO IS GO, GO, GO ♪ ♪ YOU, YOU, THE OTHER HALF OF ME, ME ♪ ♪ THE HALF I'LL NEVER BE-E ♪ ♪ THE HALF THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY ♪ ♪ YOU, YOU, THE BETTER HALF OF ME, ME ♪ ♪ THE HALF I'LL ALWAYS NEED ♪ ♪ BUT WE BOTH KNOW ♪ ♪ WE'RE BETTER IN STEREO. ♪ WHEW. THIS IS TOUGH. I KNOW IT MAY NOT LOOK LIKE IT, BERNARD, BUT I AM NOT PARTICULARLY GIFTED IN THE SPORTS DEPARTMENT. TRUST ME. IT LOOKS LIKE IT. OH, I AM DYING TO KICK THAT BALL OUT FROM UNDER YOU. ( gasps ) BUT YOU SEEM TO HAVE GOTTEN YOURSELF A BODYGUARD. PARKER, THIS IS BERNARD. I ENTERED A RAFFLE AT THE MALL TO WIN A PERSONAL TRAILER. TURNS OUT IT WAS FOR A PERSONAL TRAINER... WHICH I DO NOT NEED. JOEY, YOU NEED A TRAINER MUCH MORE THAN YOU NEED A TRAILER. I RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE, TREE TOP. A TRAILER'S LIKE A BATHROOM ON WHEELS. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS. A TRAINER CAN GIVE YOU TIPS ON FITNESS AND NUTRITION, BUT ALSO MAKE YOUR LIVES HAPPIER... AND HEALTHIER. I'M ALREADY HAPPY AND HEALTHY-ISH. JOEY, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I HATED TO WORK OUT TOO. THE LADIES LAUGHED AT BERNARD 1.0. ( laughs ) BUT THE LADIES LOVE BERNARD 2.0 MUCH MORE. ( kisses ) OH, I WANT THE LADIES TO LOVE ME... OR AT LEAST KNOW THAT I'M ALIVE. I AM A PATHETIC LUMP OF CLAY. MOLD ME. ( whimpers ) OH, HEY, LIV. OH, SITTING AND READING. I REMEMBER WHEN I USED TO HAVE TIME FOR THAT. YEAH, IT'S A PLAY THAT THE DRAMA CLUB IS DOING. AND THEY OFFERED ME THE LEAD. - ( laughs ) - FUN. YOUR FIRST ROLE SINCE ♪ SING IT LOUD. ♪ YEAH, PLEASE DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN. IT'S A STORY ABOUT A WORKING MOTHER WHO STRUGGLES TO JUGGLE HER CAREER, HOME, AND KIDS. ( laughs, sighs ) I'M JUST REALLY NOT SURE THAT I CAN PULL IT OFF. I HAVE THAT SAME THOUGHT EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. BUT, LIKE, DO WE REALLY WANT TO PLAY A CHARACTER WHO IS SO OVERWORKED AND HAGGARD THAT SHE CAN BARELY MAKE IT THROUGH HER DAY? - WOW, THAT DOES SOUND TERRIBLE. - YEAH. WELL, IS THERE ANOTHER CHARACTER IN THE PLAY WHO'S SINGLE AND DOESN'T HAVE KIDS? - ACTUALLY, HER SISTER. - PLAY HER. HEY, MADDS. REHEARSAL ANY BETTER WITH DAD TODAY? OKAY, ONE, IT'S CALLED PRACTICE. TWO, REHEARSAL WAS A DISASTER. HE'S RUNNING SLOWER. HE'S SHOOTING WORSE. AND SOMEHOW HIS SHORTS GOT EVEN SHORTER. DOES THIS MEAN THAT YOU AREN'T GONNA BE THE FIRST GIRL TO WIN THE PAGEANT-- TOURNAMENT? I KNEW IT WAS WRONG THE SECOND I SAID IT. WELL, I'M CERTAINLY NOT GONNA WIN WITH DAD ON MY TEAM. WHAT DO I DO? OKAY. HERE IS AN EXERCISE THAT I'VE DONE IN THE PAST. CLOSE YOUR EYES AND LET'S VISUALIZE THE BEST POSSIBLE SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM. WHOA. OH, YEAH. LIV, MADDIE, THIS IS BERNARD, MY PERSONAL TRAINER. HE'S GONNA GET ME ALL JACKED! WHICH HE SAYS MEANS MUSCULAR. NICE TO MEET YOU. UM, WHERE IS THE TRASH? - WHOO! - UGH! ( both grunting ) NICE SHOT. THANK YOU. I PLAYED A LITTLE COLLEGE BALL BACK IN THE DAY. BUT COME ON, JOEY. THE GYM IS THAT WAY. I GOT TO GET YOU RIPPED. "RIPPED," THAT ALSO MEANS MUSCULAR. OKAY, THE VISUALIZATION THING HAS NEVER WORKED THAT WELL BEFORE. SO THAT WAS THE UNIVERSE TELLING ME TO DUMP DAD, RIGHT? THE UNIVERSE IS SCREAMING AT YOU TO DUMP DAD. LET'S RIDE THIS WAVE. OKAY, NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES WITH ME AND LET'S VISUALIZE RYAN GOSLING. - HEY, TEAMMATE. - HEY, COACH. I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE TOURNAMENT. GREAT. I'VE BEEN WORKING ON MY JUMPER, GETTING MY RHYTHM BACK. WHAT? OH. YEAH, SO, DAD, UM... YOU AND I HAVE HAD SOME REALLY GREAT TIMES TOGETHER. UM... I JUST DON'T THINK THAT IT'S GONNA WORK OUT. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU. WHAT? WHY? WHAT DID I DO? I CAN CHANGE. I CAN BE BETTER. SEE, IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME. BUT I'M YOUR DAD. RIGHT, AND I WILL ALWAYS HAVE A... SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART FOR YOU, BUT IT'S JUST TIME THAT I MOVE ON. I THINK IN THE LONG RUN, THIS IS GONNA BE BETTER FOR BOTH OF US. WOW. WOW. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. I THOUGHT WE WERE GOOD TOGETHER, YOU AND ME. ( laughs ) THIS IS AWKWARD. DAD, THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE. ( gasps ) ARE YOU OKAY? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I'M FINE, YOU KNOW. JUST A LITTLE SURPRISED, BUT IT'S COOL, YOU KNOW. YOU DO YOU. I'LL DO ME. MAYBE I'LL JUST GET A RIDE HOME WITH MOM. I THINK THAT WOULD BE BEST. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR AGREEING TO BE ON MY TEAM, BERNARD. SURE THING, TEAMMATE. I'M SO EXCITED. NOW, HIT ME UP TOP. HOW ABOUT I HIT YOU UP THE MIDDLE? OKAY. BOO. NOW, LET'S WIN THIS TOURNAMENT. BAM! WHAT?! ( laughs ) I LIKE THAT. CAN I GIVE IT A TRY? I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF MY THING, BUT TRY IT. OKAY. BAM! WHAT?! ( exclaims ) YOU, MY GOOD SIR, ARE A NATURAL BAM-WHAT-ER. - LET'S DO THIS, COME ON. - ( clears throat ) OH. OKAY. - JUST GOT TO GET A LITTLE-- - ( basketball clunks ) JUST GOT TO GET A LITTLE WARMED UP, RIGHT, BERNIE? ( stutters ) I-- I THINK YOU-- UH... IT'S MORE OF LIKE A-- LIKE-- LIKE ONE HAND. ( cheers ) YES! I HIT THE BACKBOARD. I AM ON FIRE. ( sighs ) UH, BERNARD? - MM-HMM? - ( laughs ) THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU PLAYED IN COLLEGE. I DID... IN THE NATIONAL TRASH CAN BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION. WE USED TO ROLL AROUND ON OFFICE CHAIRS AND SHOOT UP WADDED-UP PAPER. WHOO. UH, TRASH CAN BASKETBALL? - YEAH, TRASH CAN BASKETBALL. - OH. I WON DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR THREE YEARS IN A ROW. YES, OKAY? I JUDGED A BOOK BY ITS COVER. BUT COME ON! IT WAS A SEVEN-FOOT BOOK! HEY, MOM. I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE. SO I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS ROLE AND I THINK I HAD IT ALL WRONG. SHE'S NOT A HAGGARD, BROKEN-DOWN HOUSEWIFE. SHE'S A SUPER-MOM WHO GETS IT ALL DONE AND LOOKS GREAT DOING IT. SO TO PREPARE FOR THAT ROLE, I THINK I KNOW THE PERFECT PERSON TO TALK TO. ( chuckles ) THAT IS-- THAT IS SO SWEET. MRS. REIFSCHNEIDER, MY GERMAN TEACHER. THE ONE WITH THE LIVE-IN HOUSEKEEPER? YEAH. YEAH! YEAH! ASK HER. ASK HER. LIV, I HAVE A HUGE PROBLEM. UH, I'M LISTENING. OKAY, IT'S JUST THE THING WITH BERNARD IS-- UH, HOLD ON. HOLD ON. MOM! HUH? DO YOU MIND? ( in a deep voice ) MORE THAN YOU KNOW. - GO ON. - OKAY, I JUST-- I THOUGHT BERNARD WOULD BE A BETTER TEAMMATE, BUT HE'S TERRIBLE. WORSE THAN DAD? WAY WORSE THAN DAD. ARE HIS SHORTS AS BAD? NO SHORTS ARE THAT BAD. ( mouths ) BUT THE POINT IS I'M NOT GONNA WIN THE TOURNAMENT WITH BERNARD. SO I NEED TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO DITCH HIM AND GET DAD BACK. WHY WOULD YOU WANT DAD BACK? BECAUSE IT'S TOO LATE TO GET ANYONE ELSE... AND BECAUSE HE'S MY FATHER AND I LOVE HIM. ( sighs ) WHAT AM I GONNA DO? OH, I THINK YOU KNOW. CLOSE YOUR EYES AND LET'S VISUALIZE THE BEST POSSIBLE SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM. ( breathes deeply ) CHECK IT OUT. I'M A FRUIT VIKING. ( screams ) ALL RIGHT, BERNARD. NOW, I HAVE SET A FITNESS GOAL FOR MYSELF BASED ON COMPLETELY REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS. I WANT YOU TO MAKE ME INTO JOEY 2.5. UH, AH? NICE, HUH? I EVEN HAVE SHOULDERS BIGGER THAN YOURS. NOBODY HAS SHOULDERS BIGGER THAN ME. THE ONLY SHOULDER IN THE WORLD BIGGER THAN THIS ONE IS THIS ONE. SORRY, BUT IT'S TRUE. OKAY, SO WHAT'S THE PLAN FOR TODAY? ALL RIGHT, JOEY, I WANT TO DETERMINE - YOUR TARGET HEART RATE. - ( beeping ) WE'RE GONNA DO SOME SQUATS, - SOME CRUNCHES, - ( beeps faster ) - THEN WE'RE GONNA JOG A COUPLE MILES. - ( rapid beeping ) OOH. ( panting ) WHAT IS THAT NOISE? SOMEHOW, YOU'VE EXCEEDED YOUR TARGET HEART RATE BY JUST LISTENING TO ME TALK ABOUT EXERCISE. SO, WE'RE DONE FOR THE DAY. WHEW, HA. WHOO. JOEY, WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET. NOW, GET READY TO SWEAT! WHOO! ( laughs ) THIS IS FUN. PLUS, IT'S GREAT CARDIO AND IT'S EASY ON THE JOINTS. OH, EASY, THAT IS THE WORD I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR. YOU CAN TOTALLY BLAST YOUR QUADS AND GET A GREAT CORE WORKOUT BY JUST HOPPING FROM SIDE-TO-SIDE. ( laughs ) NAH, MAN. I'M GOOD JUST BOINGING IN PLACE. JOEY 2.5 DOESN'T BOING IN PLACE! NO! HEY! WE'RE DONE. WE'RE DONE. YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT. - WE'RE DONE. - MAY I? PLEASE DO. ( high-pitched scream ) NO! SOMEBODY! OKAY, WE'RE DONE. ( mimics laugh ) HEY, DAD. CAN WE TALK? SURE. SINCE IT WENT SO WELL THE LAST TIME WE DID. LOOK, I MADE A MISTAKE. I THINK I FINALLY REALIZED THAT THE WHOLE POINT WAS FOR US TO WIN THIS TOURNAMENT TOGETHER. YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT. WELL, BACK TO PRACTICE. REALLY? I'M GONNA GO GET CHANGED. OH, NO, NO, NO. NOT WITH YOU... WITH MY NEW TEAMMATE. YOUR NEW WHAT-MATE? - ( basketball bounces ) - DIGGY? 'SUP, ROONEY? OH, OH, OH. Both: OHH! TOLD YOU PRIME-TIME PETE ROONEY WOULD FIND HIS RHYTHM. RING THE ALARM BELLS 'CAUSE I'M ON... ♪ FIRE. ♪ WAIT, BUT I'M YOUR DAUGHTER. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? BECAUSE DIGGY KNOWS NOT TO STAB ME IN THE BACK. PLUS, HE'S A GREAT PLAYER WITH A SOLID JUMPER AND IMPECCABLE FASHION SENSE. ( gasps ) ( hoarsely ) IF YOU WERE TRYING TO PSYCH-OUT YOUR COMPETITION, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. OHH! ( continues exclaiming indistinctly ) ( both cheering ) ( clears throat loudly ) 'SUP, DIGGY? OKAY, BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, I'M SORRY THAT I TEAMED UP WITH YOUR DAD... AND THAT YOU HAD TO SEE ME IN THOSE SHORTS. ( snorts ) RELAX, DIGGY. I'M NOT UPSET WITH YOU. YOU'RE NOT? WOW, THAT'S REALLY COOL OF YOU. YOU ARE BEING REALLY COOL, RIGHT? - WAY COOL. - OKAY. ( sighs ) IT'S JUST... IT'S TOO BAD THOUGH. WHOA, WAIT. WHAT'S TOO BAD? OH, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST WE'RE ON DIFFERENT TEAMS NOW AND SO WE'RE ENEMIES. AND I'VE SWORN TO CRUSH ALL MY ENEMIES! ARE YOU SAYING THAT I CAN'T PLAY IN THE TOURNAMENT WITH YOUR DAD? ( laughs ) I WOULD NEVER TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. - OKAY. - HEY, UH... DO YOU REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME THAT WE WENT ICE SKATING AND I GOT COLD? OF COURSE. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME WE EVER HUNG OUT TOGETHER. - YOU WERE SO CUTE. - YEAH, HERE'S THE SCARF THAT YOU LOANED ME. OKAY, ALL RIGHT. I'M REALLY GETTING THE FEELING YOU'RE SAYING NOT TO PLAY IN THAT TOURNAMENT. PFFT. ( laughs ) I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING. HERE'S A COLLECTION OF EVERY SINGLE NOTE THAT YOU'VE EVER LEFT IN MY LOCKER. OKAY, OKAY. I GET IT. I WILL, UH-- I'LL FIND A WAY TO GET OFF YOUR DAD'S TEAM. I MEAN... IF THAT'S WHAT YOU REALLY WANT. AND I REALLY WANT TO PLAY, COACH "R," BUT, UGH, MY ARM JUST HURTS SO BAD. CUT DOWN IN MY PRIME! IT'S A TOUGH BLOW TO TEAM SHORT-SHORTS, ISN'T IT, DAD? IT SURE IS. LET ME ASK YOU ONE QUESTION, MR. SMALLS. WOULD MADDIE, BY ANY CHANCE, BE PRESSURING YOU-- I DON'T KNOW-- TO... FAKE THIS? HA HA! THAT GIRL'S NO GOOD FOR YOU, SON. WHAT-- DAD, YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE DIGGY. THAT'S NOT TRUE. HE'S A FINE YOUNG MAN. - REALLY, SIR? - STAY OUT OF IT, DIGGY. - YOU LEAVE DIGGY ALONE. - NO, I'M THE BASKETBALL COACH. - ( indistinct arguing ) - YOU TWO, KNOCK IT OFF! - OW, OW, OW. - OKAY, MOM! NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHO STARTED THIS WAR, BUT I'M ENDING IT. GET IN THE KITCHEN. NOW. NOW! ( blows ) AWESOME! YEAH! I REALLY WANT YOU TO DIG IN ON THIS LAST SESSION. I FEEL LIKE I'VE MADE A LOT OF PROGRESS. PROGRESS? SURE. ( both snicker ) ( laughing ) ( laughs ) PROGRESS. ( laughs ) HE SAID PROGRESS. OKEYDOKEY. LET'S DO THIS, BERNASTY. ( laughs ) BERN-WHO? BERNA-- YOU ARE NOT READY FOR NICKNAMES. - NOT FROM YOU. - GOOD ONE, TREE TOP. THANKS, P-TRAIN. ALL RIGHT, JOSEPH. THIS IS SIMPLE. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS RUN TO ME WHILE FIGHTING THOSE RESISTANCE BANDS. OH, PIECE OF CAKE. EVERYTHING IS NOT A DESSERT. RUN TO ME AS THOUGH THE WALLS ARE CHASING YOU! OOH, CAN I IMAGINE A ZOMBIE? IF YOU MUST. COME ON, JOEY. DIG, JOEY! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TOUCH MY HAND AND YOU'LL BE JOEY 2.5. ( grunts ) ( grunts ) GAAH! HA HA! WHOO! NO ONE CAN STOP ME NOW! - ( laughs ) - BUH-BYE. - ( screams ) - Both: OOH. HEY, DO YOU DO BIRTHDAY PARTIES? MY PALS WILL REALLY ENJOY YOU. ANY TIME, P-TRAIN. UP TOP. ( grunts ) ( Joey pants ) UH, GUYS. DUDES? A LITTLE HELP OVER HERE, TREE TOP? ( nervous laughter ) P-TRAIN? HELP ME, BERNASTY! ( grunts ) YOU TWO ARE SO STUBBORN. CAN WE AT LEAST AGREE THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN WINNING? ( both gasp ) YOU TWO HAVE BEEN PLAYING BASKETBALL TOGETHER SINCE MADDIE WAS FIVE. AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA LET THIS WONDERFUL THING YOU SHARE TEAR YOU APART? - SHE STARTED IT. - HE STARTED IT. I SWEAR, IT'S LIKE YOU TWO ARE THE SAME PERSON. ( both gasp ) I KNOW, SHOCKING. NOW FIGURE IT OUT. IT IS POSSIBLE THAT THERE ARE THINGS MORE IMPORTANT IN LIFE THAN WINNING? DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT, DOES IT? I'M SORRY I DUMPED YOU, DAD. I'M SORRY I DUMPED YOU BACK. ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HUG NOW OR SOMETHING? I'D RATHER GO PLAY BASKETBALL. - LET'S PLAY BASKETBALL. - YEAH. HEY, LISTEN, DIGGY. UM, MADDIE AND I GOT BACK TOGETHER. BEAT IT. THAT ACTUALLY MAKES THIS LESS AWKWARD. I'M TEAMING UP WITH THE BIG MAN. AND IF ANYONE'S CONFUSED, I'M THE BIG MAN. ( laughs ) JUST A WARNING, DIGGY. THAT BIG MAN IS A BIG MISTAKE. YEAH, ABOUT THAT. BERNARD IS A LOT BETTER WITH HIS GOGGLES. WHOO! OH! OH! OOH! OH! BAM! WHAT?! WHOO! I'M SO MUCH BETTER WHEN I CAN ACTUALLY SEE THE HOOP. GOOD LUCK IN THE TOURNAMENT, LOSERS. OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH. STOP. HONEY, I KNOW IT WAS HARD TO LOSE THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME TO DIGGY AND BERNARD, BUT THE TOURNAMENT'S OVER. YOU NEED TO GIVE IT UP, PETE. BUT WE CAN WIN NEXT YEAR. NO, NO. I MEANT YOUR DAISY DUKES... 'CAUSE NO ONE WINS WHEN YOU WEAR THOSE. HEY, PRIME-TIME PETE ROONEY'S BEEN PRACTICING A LOT. HE'S GOT HIS GROOVE BACK. HE'D LIKE YOU TO CHECK THIS OUT. OH-HO! IN YOUR FACE, OLD MAN! ( giggles ) EXERCISE IS FUN.