Frasier S10E6 - English Transcript

Here we are. File A, slide sheet one, image one of subject Frederick G. Crane. Mom... Here you are just an hour after being wrestled from my grudging womb. Gross. You know, if you like there's still time to include this in your Bar Mitzvah video. Thanks. But I just want to get through this thing with as little humiliation as possible. Oh, look at this. Your hospital cap. The very combed cotton that swaddled your little... (voice breaking): ...head. Are you okay? Of course I am. It's only natural that there should be some emotional upheaval caused by the impending shift in our relationship. I knew it would come-- I just wasn't expecting such a roller coaster. All done. Is this your guest list? Oh, I didn't realize you wanted to invite so many friends. I don't even know some of these people. And why are you inviting Jeremy Berman? I thought you told me he's the biggest nerd in your class. He's not so bad. Besides, the more people you invite the more presents you get. Frederick... A Bar Mitzvah is a rite of passage, not an opportunity for you to collect presents. I'm sorry. You're right. I'll try to trim it down. KENNY: Hey, Doc. Kenny. I can't tell you how touched I am that Freddie invited me to his Bar Mitzvah. He did? Yeah. What a great kid. That's your son, right? Yes. I wasn't aware that you two had met. We haven't. I guess he's probably heard his share of Kenny stories. (chuckling) From whom? You sly kidder. It sounds like a hoot, but if I don't find someone to drive with me to Boston and share a tent on the way I probably won't be able to afford to go. Hmm. Fun drive, I bet. Hmm. I guess I can just send him something. I think he'd like that. Thanks, Kenny. Hey, Dr. Crane, Mazel Tov. Hey, Frasier. Hi, Roz. Freddie's so sweet. He sent me an invitation to his Bar Mitzvah. Yes. apparently the people of Washington State have made quite an impression on him. Can you believe Freddie is 13 years old already? I can hardly think about it without choking up. This is my son, Roz. The little bald candy man that used to fit right here in the crook of my arm Little bald candy man. That's adorable. I had a boyfriend who called hi... Is it weird to have a son brought up in a different religion from yours? Not at all, Roz. It's a faith that espouses love, compassion, duty, education and art. All values which I cherish. And though I have played a relatively small role in his spiritual developme nt, he has honored me by asking that I say a few words. And in the spirit of the occasion I'm going to try to learn it in Hebrew. Oh... Hi, Dr. Crane. Hi, No Hi, Roz. You've never worn that sweater on a Tuesday before. I've asked you to take your hands out of your pockets when you talk to me. So, I don't think I can make the Bar Mitzvah. Great. I mean that sarcastically, of course, Noel. Great! You're not coming! Terrific! Yeah, sorry. Did I overhear you say you want to learn Hebrew? ... Uh Not learn it. I'm saving that pleasure for retirement. But I have composed a speech and I'd like to say it in Hebrew. Well, I can translate and teach you how to say it if you want. You can? Really? Oh, Noel, thank you. Of course, I'll expect a little something quid pro quo. Certainly. Whatever you'd like. Great. The Seattle Star Trek convention is this weekend and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance. I need Scott Bakula's autograph to make my collection complete. Noel, isn'’t this something you could do yourself? Oh, I would, but William Shatner's restraining order against me is still in effect. It's so stupid. It wasn't even a real phaser Noel, don't you have any friends that could do this for you? Trust me, there are no friends in the world of Star Trek autography. I see. Well then, consider it done. Oh! Thank you so much. Now... be sure to keep it in this acid-free covering until the actual signing. And if you must handle it, use these cotton gloves. Okay. You'll be the hit of the Bar Mitzvah, I promise. And don't be surprised if you get caught up in all the fun of the convention, too. I'll try to pace myself. Thanks again, Dr. Crane. Noel.. how did you know I would do it? What do you mean? Well, you must have known I would do this for you, or you wouldn't be carrying around a picture of Scott Bakula, right? Right. Hey, Niles, think fast (flashbulb pops) Oh! Dad! What is that? My good old Scheerblad-7XK. The blindingest, noisiest, 15-pound camera every produced in the former Soviet Union. MARTIN: Can you believe it?! Somehow it got buried deep down in storage. But Eddie and I found it just in time for the Bar Mitzvah. What smells like burning plastic? Oh, that means the flash unit's working I thought the retinue-scorching flash meant that the flash unit was working. Not always. I still remember the night of my junior prom. Ooh... Dad wanted to get a nice close-up of me and Margaret Coover. Unfortunately, he got a little too close and the heat from the flash seared the gold plating off Margaret's necklace onto her skin. You never mentioned Margaret Coover before. I didn't? Margaret Coover. Petite, brunette... gilded. (flashbulb pops) Dear God, the old flash-and-wind. NILES: Yes. Dad found it. Yeah, good thing, too. Hasn't failed me yet. Oh, well, except for that one Thanksgiving when the flash washed Lilith out so bad all you could see were her hair and eyes. That wasn't the camera's fault, Dad. That bloodless skin has confounded even the most experienced photographer. Hey, Daph, do you know where the tripod is? I might need it for group shots. Yeah, I think it's in the back of your closet. Come on, I'll help you look for it. Sherry, Frasier? Please, Niles. I have good news. Hmm? I have two tickets to the Udo Fritzenheim show at the museum tomorrow. (gasps) Not to mention an invitation for lunch with the artist afterwards. Oh! Are you serious?! Niles, lunch with a Dada master. Oh, I'd love to come... but I can't. I have other plans. m, I promised Noel Shempsky that I'd do a favor for him and I've got to remain true to my word. Although, perhaps, I could go to the show leave the luncheon early and... and still fulfill my commitment. Oh, yes, of course you could. Yeah, you're right, Niles. There... You know... it was at a Fritzenheim show in Boston where Freddie first said the word "Dada." I remember swelling with pride thinking that perhaps he was an art history savant. But, of course, Lilith deflated my enthusiasm by pointing out that he was probably just referring to me. Fras, good news-- found the tripod. Oh. Splendid. It's tough to watch your kids grow up. Well, he's... he's still just a boy. He's only 13. It goes fast. How's Lilith taking it? Well, I suppose it's a bittersweet experience for her. I can't really say for sure, you know. She's always been rather guard ed with her emotions. Not always, Frasier. I've seen her get quite emotional. I'm sure you have, Mr. Been-There-Done-That. What does that mean? Nothing. Nothing. What are you hiding? Oh... Um... some years ago.. In a complete drunken stupor. Totally stinko. NILES: Yes. I had an unplanned and instantly regretted night ofamore... ...with Lilith. A one-nighter? Ofamore. Lilith? Well, it w... it was after Maris And it was long before you. In fact, it's pretty funny when you think about it. (nervous laughter) And remember, I was drunk. You'd have to be, wouldn't you? Sorry, Frasier. No, no, drinking definitely took the edge off. Um, when were you planning on sharing this interesting bit of information with me? Soon. Very soon. Never. Well, what's done is done. I suppose we've all had our romantic missteps. But just to be clear-- are there any more secret sweethearts who I see on a regular basis? No. Nobody. Nobody? Nobody I certainly wouldn't count Anamari Hanratty at the Natural History Museum. Frasier?! I said I wouldn't count her. I mean... they just made out. It was for charity. It doesn't really matter. I mean, the woman makes out with everyone. She's not really the kind of person that you'd... (yelling) Hi, Dr. Crane. Oh, hi, Noel. Ready for Yeshiva tomorrow? That means school. Yes, indeed I am. I'm looking forward to it. Uh, listen, Noel, I'm afraid I have some, uh.. very bad news about the science fiction convention. Uh-oh. Long story short, you see, I attended an art opening and a luncheon on Saturday and even though I left the luncheon early the traffic on the way to the convention was just awful and by the time I got there Mr. Bakula and all the others had gone. No...! You made a promise and you welshed on it. Why'd you do it, Dr. Crane? It's not really such a big deal, is it, Noel? It's a huge deal. Who knows when I'll get to see Scott Bakula again? I'll be the laughing stock of my clan. Noel, try to rem...clan? No, never mind, never mind. Noel.. surely you realize that Star Trek is just a TV show. So was Brideshead Revisited. You're angry. So I'm going to ignore that But with all due respect, Noel, perhaps weaning yourself off science fiction might be the first step toward achieving a genuine, meaningful, grown-up person's life. Just a friendly suggestion. You're right. You did your best and that's good enough for me. Thank you, Noel. So, you'll still be my tutor? Sure. Good man. Thanks, Noel. I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, yes, you will see me tomorrow. And by the rings of Septaurus Five you will pay, Dr. Crane. You-- Oh, hi, Kenny-- will pay. Okay, Eddie, hit the talk button. And you're listening to the Best of Crane on KACL. We'll be back after these messages. (station ID theme music plays) (door opens) Well, well, the fox and the hound working together. How ironic I'm just taking care of him until Frasier gets back from Boston. By the way, he left you something. He did? Yeah. Whoa. A wig? That's cruel, even for Frasier. Cruel? It's only the wig Joan Collins wore in Star Trek 28. "City on the Edge of Forever." It's probably still got her DNA in it. "Dear Noel, I hope this begins to repay you "for your great kindness to me, "especially in light of my negligence. Your friend, Frasier Crane." He called me "friend"? That's really sweet of him I've got to call him before he delivers his speech. You taught him dirty words in Hebrew, didn't you? Uh, not quite. They're the same words, but they're in Klingon. From Star Trek? That's not even real. It's the fastest-growi ng language on the planet. This is what you people don't understand. A man named Gene Roddenberry had a vision... Call him! FREDERICK: ♪♪Yit-ba-rach shim-cha bi'’’fi kol chai♪♪ ♪♪Tamid, l'’’o-lam va-ed♪♪ ♪♪Ba-ruch a-tah, A-do-nai♪♪ ♪ ♪♪M'’’ka-deish ha-Sha-bat♪ ♪♪Amen.♪♪ . Yasher Koach,Frederick That was a beautiful passage and a wonderful reading. You honor us all by including.. (cell phone rings) Oh. You honor us all by including us in this important occasion, but you have chosen to especially honor your parents Lilith and Frasier by asking them to conclude this ceremony. Lilith? Thank you. Uh... (flashbulb pops) Excuse me. Would the photographer please refrain from taking any more pictures until after the ceremony is over? MARTIN: Sorry, Rabbi. LILITH: Thank you. I am very proud to participate in the coming-of-age ritual of my son Frederic k *** Crane. (snickering) Oh. Frederick, on this momentous occasion I can only look at you and see that innocent, chubby-legged toddler who once danced naked at the Boston Pops The little boy whose favorite meal was "buh-sghetti." I can't count the number of bedtimes we spent cuddled together reading The Cat in the Hat. "The sun did not shine, it was too wet to play, "so we sat in the house " on that cold, cold, wet day. (crying) Don'’’t grow up! Not yet! Nice girlfriend you've got there. Not yet! Not yet! If you're trying to embarrass me it's not going to work. (choked up): Come here, Daddy's little peanut man. It'll be all right. We will conclude with a blessing from Frederick's father Frasier, who, though not of our faith, has chosen to follow his son's fine example and deliver it in Hebrew. Thank you. I'll keep this short. Thanks, Dad. "Pookh lod wih le koo. "Hach jahj cho-koov-moakh "leng-lidge loo-Teb- "jahj leng widge-vahd bel rahp "shoave dah-nobe-poo-boagh. Shabbot Shalom." Oh, that was lovely. What was that gobbledy-***? Well, it's-it's a blessing for my son. "Pookh Lod Wih Le Koo." That means nothing. It's gibberish. What? That's not gibberish, it's Klingon. What? Oh, dear God. Freddie's dad just blessed him in Klingon. sorry. I'm... I'm terribly ... I... I Will you excuse me, please? RABBI: Okay, everybody... it's better to end with laughter than tears. I don't know how they say it in outer space, but here we say "ahavaandshalom." Love and peace Dinner will be served in the multi-purpose room in 20 minutes. Hey, that was awesome, ***. Shut up, Berman. Seriously, your dad's Klingon is really good. What did he say? Well, roughly translated, it says "My dearest son, each day you redeem me. "May your journey be filled with the same joy wisdom and purpose you have given mine." It's a lot more beautiful in the original Klingon. But it's still really cool. Which one of us do you suppose humiliated him more? Oh, I think I did. I've been trying to console myself with the idea that without embarrassing parents there'd be no psychology. Poor kid. Actually, today he is a man. He is, isn't he? Mazel Tov. You must be very proud-- of your son, not yourselves. We are, thank you, Rabbi. Frederick, uh, listen, I-I'm... I want to apologize Uh, there was this guy at the radio station he was going to teach me Hebrew... You don't have to explain it, Dad. Really? I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. Berman translated your speech for me. It was pretty good. So, you liked it? Yeah. I don't want to get all mushy or anything-- - I'm a little old for that now- but, you know... Yeah... I know. (chuckles) Can you forgive me? . Yeah.. for everything but naming me ***. That was lovely. MARTIN: Hey, everybody, look this way. Oh, no...! No! ♪♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling ♪ ♪ ♪♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪♪ ♪♪ Quite stylish ♪♪ ♪♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪♪ ♪♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪♪ (laughs) ♪♪ But I don'’’t know what to do ♪♪ ♪♪ With those tossed salad s and scrambled eggs ♪♪ ♪♪ They'’’re calling again . ♪♪ Frasier has left the building.