Your Face is a Saxophone - Episode 1 - Pilot

Okay, team! It's been brought to my attention that our clients' satisfaction has been less than stellar lately! The advertising we've delivered has been deemed sub-par across the board, and I know we can do better. Let's see if we can't get to the bottom of that, shall we? Boss, I don't know where you got that idea. There's no problem. We're still making great money, and THAT'S what matters. Oh, YEAH. We'll DEFINITELY be able to keep the money comin'. I mean, you've single-handedly destroyed our agency's reputation But that couldn't POSSIBLY affect our ability to make money. Excuse me? Now, hold on a minute, Kevin. How is this all Andrew's fault? He's been throwin' out dumb idea after dumb idea, and you keep agreein' with him, so we've kept doin' 'em! We're puttin' out stuff that everyone hates and doesn't work! Boss, may I reiterate that our revenue has been consistently above average. I have a chart to show ya how much money we've been making. Ooh! Chart! I like charts! I got a CHART for you. How 'bout how much our clients think we suck, over time Marked with the day that Tommy left, and you made THIS prick the big idea guy? Guess when it starts gettin' worse? So where's the chart? What? I- I don't ACTUALLY have the chart. I didn't ACTUALLY make it. But just...we just... Look, look... Ever since you put Andy *** in charge, we've been puttin' out crap. Why can't you just fire him already? Kevin, we all know about your personal vendetta against me. If you wanna back up your baseless accusations with some hard facts, you -- FACT: Your ideas FAIL! -They are epic failures, every one of them! Everyone knows what I'm talkin' about! -Do you have any data to back that up? Where's your data, where's your analytics? -Tommy knew what he was doin', Tommy was good, you're a ***! -Show me the data, Kevin! Show me some data! Now, Kevin. I think we can all agree that compared to Tommy, Andrew is stylistically different, and he-- Stylistically different? He's *** incompetent! You know what he said the other day? -He said that people WANT more commercials on TV, and-- -Okay, Kevin! Kevin! Calm down. That's...that's enough. Look, Boss, Andrew is, uh, enthusiastic, but things just really haven't been the same since we lost Tommy. When he was here, the ads we made for people... ...they worked! They caught people's attention, and they weren't invasive about it, and they built our reputation. I'm, uh...sure Andrew can...contribute some...insight... But we need a new Tommy. We need someone with good ideas about how to catch attention and keep it. Just, please...see if you can refill his position? [BOSS SIGHS] Well, we do need another graphics expert. Okay, sounds good. Hey! I know what would catch people's attention! W-w-we put up a, a big billboard, and give it a bright red background, and and and... And and and, we have like...these...these eskimos, and they're... They're all like pointing down at you, and screaming! And it says in big bold letters, it says... Your FACE is a SAXOPHONE! ♫Don't you wanna tell 'em what they really want? / Yeah and don't you wanna tell 'em all where they should shop?♫ ♫And blah de blah de blah de blah de blah♫ ♫Yeah, and blah de blah de blah de blah de blah♫ ♫Yeah, and don't you wanna get yourself control of their minds? / And don't you wanna keep it till the end of time?♫ ♫And blah de blah de blah de blah de blah♫ ♫Yeah, and blah de blah de blah de blah de blah♫ ♫Well, it may be a lie and it may not make sense♫ ♫But it's bound to catch an eye or two♫ At McDonald's, our burgers are made with 100 percent REAL BEEF! I'm not sayin' it's particularly GOOD beef, but... Y'know, it... It came from a cow. [Ba-da-ba.] Uh, hello? -Hi, Eddie? -Yes! Hi! Nice to meet you. Leora Glass, I'm on the design team. Which you are too, now. I suppose so. Nice meeting you too, Ms. Glass. -Just Leora, please. -Leora. Nice meeting you. So, uh...just curious... -Is there normally someone there? -I'm on break! [RUSTLING CHIP BAG] Uh, yeah, she's an interesting lady. [OM NOM NOM] We try not to think about her too much. Uh, come on. Let's get you introduced to everyone. Our agency's hired a lot of new people. Most of them accountants, and...well, accountants. Granted, a lot of them are ON the design team, but they WENT to accounting school. It used to be just us... Well, I don't want to sound pretentious, but just us REAL designers, and only ONE certified number-cruncher. But...things have changed. Yeah, things have changed. This place has been taken over by god damn ZOMBIES! We didn't used to have these cubicles. What the *** are these cubicles for? Oh. Right. Because we got so many GOD DAMN ZOMBIES workin' here, and we gotta keep 'em penned up! Can you not scare the new guy away, please? ***. Sorry. Hey. So you're the new Tommy? -Um... -Tommy used to work here. You have his job now. So, Eddie, this is Kevin. Our web design and development specialist. Yeah, good to meetcha. Eh, can we, uh, can we finish this later? I'm kinda busy. If you were so busy, why did you start screaming about zombies? 'Cause they're all ZOMBIES! Kevin's very...passionate. Let's say that. Anyway, this is Blake. Hi! My name's Blake! Blake, this is our new graphic designer, Eddie. -Hi, Eddie, I'm Blake! -Er, hi there. Good to...good to meet you. Oh! Did I show you my tattoo? You just met him, Blake. Oh, dude, you gotta check this out, look look look, check it out, check it out, bro. It means "awesome" in Asian. -That's uh...that's pretty interesting. -I know, right? Y-- W-whooooooa! You have a big head! [CLANG CLANG] Blake! That's not nice! No, no, it's fine. I get that a lot, anyway. Yeah, i-i...it's not really that big. I was just being sargastric. Okay, team! We've got ourselves some clients! But first, I'd like you all to welcome our latest addition to the design crew... Edward Tungsten-Cohen! [EVERYONE:] Hi!!!! And now, let's meet our new clients from PepsiCo Incorporated! [EVERYONE:] Hi......... Why don't you gentlemen tell our BRIGHT and CREATIVE staff what NEW, REVOLUTIONARY, INNOVATIVE, And GAME-CHANGING product… you'd like them to CRAFT a promotion for? We're introducing a new soft drink to the soft drink market for an untapped demographic of soft drink consumers. It's a variation on the world-renowned Pepsi-brand cola soft drink, with a revolutionary new innovation in the soft drink market: It has no calories! So...Diet Pepsi? No, not Diet Pepsi! Diet Pepsi is a soft drink for the demographic of nutrition- and health-conscious consumers! This new soft drink is the same great Pepsi-brand cola soft drink, but for consumers who want zero calories! Zero! So, to emphasize those zero calories, we're calling it... Pepsi Nano! Are you kidding me? Not at all! So, seriously? Pepsi Nano? -That's right! -It's a great brand, don't you agree? No. No, just no. "Nano" is an overused, cliché term, and besides, It means that something is SMALL. You're not making a SMALL soda, you're making a zero-CALORIE soda. Which you already make, and you call it Diet Pepsi. So if you're gonna unapologetically rip off Coca-Cola, like you always do, Why not just call this rebranded diet soda, "Pepsi Zero"? But "Pepsi Zero" doesn't convey "zero calories" the way that "Pepsi Nano" does. [SIGH] Never mind All right! I'm on board with this! Now, I'm guessing with the hip-ness and the now-ness and the futuristic-ness of the brand name you've chosen, You're looking to target a younger, tech-savvy demographic. Tech! That's it! High tech! I've got it, okay okay okay. Slogan time! Get this: Nano calories, like, na-NO calories! Mega taste! Like, like "megabyte"! Except it's a drink, so you don't bite it, you drink it! Nano calories. Mega taste. OH YEAH! I love it, Blake! See me after this meeting for a cookie! [BLAKE:] Cookie! As you can see, gentlemen, Blake is our go-to guy for great slogans! Yeah, it's even on my business card. Look, check it! Blake O'Malley! Slogan savant! Sometimes, when he's being mean, Andrew says I'm an idiot savant. But that's totally not true. I'm a really GOOD savant. So, anyway, if you wanna reach those tech-savvy young folks, I know exactly where you need to push this product: The Internet! [KEVIN:] Holy ***, he's not an imbecile. But you know what else "Pepsi Nano" says to me? It makes me think of a 1950s malt shop. [KEVIN:] I take that back. So we need to give this ad campaign a retro feel! Super retro! And you know what kind of ad on the Internet is really retro? Pop-ups! [KEVIN:] Oh god. -Uh, I don't think that would be a good idea. -Pop-up ads died for a reason, Andrew. -They suck! -Yeah, you think everything I say sucks, just because I said it. -No, because it does! -Well, I have something that might be a better idea. E-Excuse me? Well, we're doing this on the Internet. And the Internet's not like a magazine or a newspaper, it's-- -Tubes, right? -No, no. It's where people go to share things and talk about things. Everyone's communicating WITH each other, they're not being communicated TO. Not following you, Eddie. Gimme some BUZZWORDS! Uh, social networking? Social media? Web 2.0? Aaagh! It burns my ears! Now THAT sounds paradigm-shifting! So, how do we get at this social 2.0 media network? [KEVIN screams unintelligibly] Well, there are lots of, uh...well, we could cut a deal with Sqwoogy. It's this really popular site where people...they...they, um... Well, how do I put this? Oh, Kevin, Kevin, do you have that video? Ugh, yeah, fine. Here, yeah. I am Dev Boulder, CEO of Sqwoogy Incorporated. Sqwoogy is who we are. From head to toe, top to bottom, front to back, we are Sqwoogy. It's even in our URL. If I wanna go to Sqwoogy, I just type...Sqwoo...gy! And that's it! We're not, "Sqwoogy.com". We're just Sqwooooooooooooooooogy! The way that Sqwoogy works is that every user has a Sqweam, which is all of their latest Sqwoogs. To add somethin' to yer Squeam, ya Sqwoog it! An' then other Sqwoogy users can Sqwallow yer Sqwoogs, or Sqweply to yer Sqwoogs, or Sqware yer Sqwoogs with their Sqwallowers! An' you can Sqwoog from yer computer, from yer text messagin', from yer iPhone, from yer Android, from yer Xbox, an' even yer TOASTER! You can Sqwoog from yer frickin' toaster, dude! It's Sqwaweseome! This is all very interesting, but how does Sqwoogy differentiate itself from Twitter, or Facebook, et cetera? It's different from Twitter 'cause Twitter's better! Twitter's better than everything! This is the most *** retarded idea for a website I've ever heard! I can't imagine anyone who'd use it! The Gillette Fusion has FIVE whole blades to give you a CLOSE SHAVE! And after that one close shave, it's all worn out! So you gotta pop in another forty dollar cartridge! Gillette If you don't buy our ***, you got a small ***. [RUSTLING BAG] Okay, I just spoke with Dev Boulder's secretary. He will be having a video conference with us at 3:00! Awesome! Put it here! [HIGH FIVE] Oh yeah! And Eddie! Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, bro, your idea, look at me... Your idea, straight up: that. Was. Killer! Pound it! Yes, like, O M G, that was totally tubular, bro! "Tubular"? No, dude, that's all like, 90s and stuff. I wasn't talkin' to YOU, *** ring. Edward. Tungsten. Cohen. Is that a...Russian name? Uh...no? Really? Because you look an awful lot like a SOCIALIST to me! Russia was communist. See what I mean? Socialist propaganda! Well, you listen to me, you socialist ***. We have no place for PROPAGANDA in the ADVERTISING INDUSTRY! Andy, face it. You're a ***. He ain't. You want your *** to feel bigger? Go buy a Hummer. Shut your trap, lung cancer! I'm talkin' to the new guy! Listen to me, EDWARD. I've been making this firm more money than you could possibly imagine. I'm the big man around here! I make the decisions! And I get the big, fat bonus at the end of the fiscal year! You think you can come here and just take that from me? Well, think again. You're goin' DOWN, ***! Look. Andrew. I can already tell that no matter how nice of a guy I try to be, You're not gonna be my friend. And that's fine. But I need this job. There are very few others out there. I'm not trying to take anything away from you, so don't take this away from me. Don't ever touch me again. Thank you so much for meeting with us, Mr. Boulder. No problem, dude, this sounds totally sweet. We're always lookin' for new ways to Sqwonetize. Okay. So, I was thinking that maybe some few people would, uh... Leora, why don't you explain it? A few select users would get an ad in their, uh, Sqweam of people they, eh, Sqwallow. Yeah, their Sqwoogy Sqwallow Sqwupdate Sqweam, go on. And this ad would encourage people to, uh...Sqwoog it. To Sqware it with their Sqwallowers? -Yeah -You see, anyone who did that would get a discount...code...th-thing. Right. Yeah. A coupon. Anyone who, uh, Sqwared the ad would get a ten percent off coupon for Pepsi Nano, And, so it would probably spread out fast and get a lot of people out there to try the new soda-- Soft drink. Yes, soft drink. And it would work out pretty well. So, how does that sound? Sounds cool! Hell yeah it does! Now, ALTERNATIVELY, we could take another approach, which doesn't depend on the users to spread itself. Uh, Andrew, he liked the idea. We don't need an alternative. The social-sharing approach is all nice and kumbaya and whatnot, but it's a big risk. We can get lots of people to see the ads, or we can get none. So why don't we do this? Slap the ads up for everyone, so everyone sees it! [ANDREW:] That's what we want, right? For everyone to have this thing shoved in their face? And once we've got that, we don't need the discount coupon thing. So that'll save our clients some money. And those savings, well...I think you know where they would be passed on to, Mr. Boulder. Andrew, uh, we didn't talk about that. That's not what we're proposing. Uh, y'know, dude, you're right. We don't even know if anyone's gonna be Sqwoogin' it. This way they don't have to Sqwoog it, it'll just be right there for Sqweveryone. Yes! Good thinking, Andrew! This isn't a good idea. Well, our partner disagrees with you, EDWARD. He prefers MY proposal over yours. Look. Mr. Boulder. That's not...it, it just... People don't go to your website to LOOK at things, they...they-- [BOSS:] Eddie, that will be all, thanks. [BOSS:] So, Mr. Boulder, are you interested? [DEV BOULDER:] Totally! We're doin' this! Let's write up a Sqwontract! At Whole Foods, we sell organically-grown produce. "Organic" is a scientific term that means something contains the element carbon. So we could be fertilizing our crops with coal and pencil shavings and technically not be lying. Whole Foods! Hey, Eddie! -Hey there. -Talk with me for a sec. Hold up. [ROARING FLAME] Ya hangin' in there okay? Eh. I'm bummed about what happened. I was so excited! My idea, and everyone loved it...and then... [SIGH] I can never explain myself when I need to. Maybe I could've shot him down again if I was just more...articulate. You're doin' fine now. I know, it's just when I get an idea, I can't always put it into words. Leora helped, but just...damn! I thought I was goin' somewhere. Andrew is a prick. Ever since Tommy, your predecessor, got laid off for a bunch of financial reasons that... Okay, Andy got him fired by fudging the balance sheet, basically. And now he's feeling very empowered, because, well, he HAS so much power. The only reason we've had to deal with his *** for so long is because we all knew he was wrong, but none of us could really say what was right. What he says, it makes your IQ drop just listening to it. It's hard to counter. Hey, Eddie! You wanna get some beers with us? -Uh, sure! -Oh yeah! We'll be just a minute! Look. I don't say this about many people, but... You're all right, Eddie. So stick around, 'cause, well...we could use ya. Wasn't plannin' on leavin'. Good. Would you mind, uh, stepping on me? [SIZZLE] [CAR HORN] [BOTTLE OPENING, SLIDING ACROSS BAR] Well, today went decently, all things considered. Eh. It sucked. But less than it usually does. I mocked up an okay-looking banner ad. Yeah, I saw that. Probably as good as you can get with a banner. Eh, it's not great. That's what I'm saying: banners aren't great. But hey, we'll do something that makes sense next time. We're better than Andrew. You know what I bet he's doin' right now? I bet he's sitting at home, thinkin' about how much he wants to get laid, and he's totally not gettin' laid. Oh, god, don't...don't remind me. -He was that bad? -I said don't remind me, Blake! Ugh. [LAUGHS] What the hell did I see in him? Ten inches? Oh, no. Hell no. You're... You're over by like...seven. -Ha! Seriously? -Yeah. Everything that he does that you think is compensating for something... You're right! It is! -Well, maybe you wanna see what a real man can do, huh? -Nice try. Wait, bro, I thought you were gay. What? No! What about that time you were drunk? You said something kinda funny like, "*** is actually manlier 'cause there are no women involved." Yeah, it was a joke. -Then you asked me for a ***. -That didn't happen! Yeah, it totally did! Aww, Kevin's a fruity drunk. That's cute! -Shut up. -Yeah, you're like a margarita. Look what you did, Blake. *** you. Yeah, you wanted to. -Burn! -Damn, boy, put it here! [HIGH FIVE] That's what HE said! -Oh snap! -You're on fire, Blake! Yeah, 'cause he's flaming. You're one to talk, butt-head. You were just flaming outside the building an hour ago. AUGGH, fffffffffffff! But, seriously, Kevin, I-I'm just screwin' with you, bro. Well, not like, THAT way, 'cause you're totally not my type, but y'know, we're cool an' stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. So, anyway, welcome to the Buzzword family, Eddie. -Why, thank you. -You're welcome. I know, you just said that. [LAUGHS] That I did. Well! To your new job with us, and to your success, Eddie. Thanks. Cheers. [CLINK] [LAUGHING] What's that you're laughing at? Oh, just...just, just, oh, oh my god, bro, just, just check it! [MEOW] [MEOW!!!] [SHOTGUN PUMPS AND FIRES] ♫Amazing grace, how sweet the sound♫ Instead of helping this starving child, we're filming him. For just pennies a day, you could be buying our vice president a seventh Ferrari. And only one tenth of your money will make it to these starving children. If we feel like it. ♫I once was lost, but now I'm found♫ ♫Was blind, but now I see♫ I just wanted to be here in person to celebrate the Sqwuccess of our Sqwadvertising campaign. Thank you all so much. Oh, no. Thank YOU, Mr. Boulder. Thanks to the ads you showed on your website, and to the efforts of the Buzzword Marketing team in creating them, Our soft drink sales have been through the roof! Great job, team! Totally sweet. So, how much does Sqwoogy's payment come to, anyways? Your cut is...zero dollars and zero cents, Mr. Boulder! -What? -Wait, huh? -Why? Well, nobody actually CLICKED on the ads, you see. And why would they? I mean, this is Pepsi we're talking about. They sell soda! You get that from a store! Who the hell wants to go to their website? Anyway, since we were going to be paying you on a per-click basis, you get nothing. Have a nice day. So, what, you're just gonna Sqwew me over? You bet your Sqwass I am. But it's okay, because I saved our firm SO much money by doing that. Here, take a look at this chart. Well, I can't argue with a chart, Andrew. Job well done! -The ***? -Boss! Please tell me that was a sargasm! Why? What's wrong here? Our client is happy, aren't you, sir? Indeed I am. Good doing business with you! Well, what about me, dude? I'm pissed! What are ya gonna do, Sqwoog angrily about it? The people who use your site have no attention span whatsoever! Just... Go die in a fire. Man, this is ***' bullsqwit! Andrew! This is not the kind of reputation we should be spreading! How are we ever gonna cut a deal with anyone on the Internet ever again? Do you have a better idea, ***-smack? Yeah! I do! We should be nice to people! -Agreed. -Me too. -Me five! Intriguing idea, Eddie! How 'bout we A/B this? We'll go with your strategy, then with Andrew's strategy, and see what the data says. But, Boss, that won't be necessary! We've proven that-- Now, now, Andrew. We need data! We need analytics! Let's give Eddie a chance to put his numbers up against yours, so we can make an educated decision! As a team! Haven't we? I mean, the majority agrees with me. Aren't you forgetting about everyone else? Oh. Well, they, uh... They never say anything. So I figured they were just, ah... Extras, or... Never mind. Fine. We'll do it YOUR way for a while, EDWARD. But mark my words: you will not succeed. I will break you. I will find all of your weaknesses and exploit them with no mercy whatsoever. I said it once, I'll say it again: You're goin' DOWN, ***! You have a three-inch ***. Who wants lunch?