Kickin' It S1E14 - English Transcript

You can do it Jack! What's going on? Jack's about to do a hippie jump over the chair, then a 360 flip into an Ollie. That's not Ollie that's Phil, and he's gonna be killed. I got this baby, first job in my country I was speed bump. - Wow! - Whoa. [Crowd cheering] Mind if I snag your ax, and take it for a scrape? Skateboard, can I borrow your skateboard? Have you ever ridden one before Rudy? I'm a third degree black belt, I think I can handle a little rolling toy. Okay, knock yourself out. Oh! I think he just knocked himself out. - No I didn't. - Oh! Now he did. [Rock music playing] - Don't - Don't - You - You Get all tough with me! I'm saying - Won't - Won't - You - You Come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall! - That's just how we do. - Come on! And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you. Here we go, let's start the party! Chop it up like it's karate. Everybody! - Don't - Don't - You - You Get all tough with me! I'm saying - Won't - Won't - You - You Come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall! - That's just how we do. - Come on! And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you. Hey guys, I've got a very big surprise. Please tell me you're finally getting these smelly mats cleaned. Yeah, they're so moldy every week we have to give them a shave. Yesterday, when I got home my grandfather got a whiff of me, cried and said I smelled like the war. I'm not talking about our mats, I'm talking about this! Whoa! A wall sheet. It's beautiful. It's not a wall sheet! - Oh. - Whoa! Huh? It's a brand new Hi-Def, Surround Sound, Led, Flat-Screen TV! Ah man! It's 4:30 "Ninja Space Monkeys" is on. This isn't for watching "Ninja Space Monkeys". Would you give me that! This is a teaching tool so we can study our tournament videos. - Milton. Let's start with your match. - Here we go No, it's okay Milton. This is all about learning from our mistakes. Now watch carefully. Okay here you're meeting your opponent. That kid beat Milton? He's tiny. He wasn't that small Eddie! Uh, yeah he was! The ref just helped him out of his stroller. I don't care how small my opponent was, he was very tough. Uh she, she was very tough. [Laughing] You know what? I'm out of here. Aw, come on dude, where are you going? Somewhere where I can get a little respect. Excuse me Arlo, my Lemonade-Zinger needs a little more zing. Fine, I'll do it myself. Gah! [Whistle blowing] Uh! Lemon juice in eyes! Burning! Stop! Thief! Ah! [Thud] Oh! Cheese and crackers! You got him! Milton got him everybody! That was the longest 30 feet of my life. Get him out of here! Take him away. Milton what happened? This little squirrel-boy took down the Seaford Snatcher. Don't change hero, don't ever change. - I was just trying to - Do the right thing? Well you did mister, and because of your bravery I award you with this plastic badge. Which makes you an honorary Mall Cop. Milton this is awesome. I can't believe you did this. Well I did. I certainly did! Take me. Please take me. I said take me! This machine Will turn whoever enters it into the most powerful crime fighting force, the world has ever known. Or it could just give you a few zits. I'll see you on the other side. Okay. [Electricity crackles] [Machine powering up] [Electrical explosions] [Air hissing] [Thudding footsteps] Holy Christmas nuts! I'm huge! Test his strength. [Metal clunk] I think he passed. Holy Christmas nuts! Whoa! Dropping in! Yeah Jack! - Whoa, that was awesome. - Thanks. [Takes deep breath] Rudy, what are you doing here? Uh, came to thrash. Last time you were on a board, you ended up thrashing around in pain. Well this time I'm going to show this board whose boss and skate this pipe-half! - Half-pipe. - Half-pipe! I'll rock any pipe you've got brosuf. Brosuf? What's with the skateboarding all of a sudden? Why is it so important to you? When you get to a certain age Kim, you stop doing fun things like, skateboarding, and Riding the mechanical pony outside the supermarket. Rudy, you're too old to skateboard, just face it you can't do this. Well Maybe you're right, I mean I don't even know why I came down here today. The torch of youth only burns for so long and Today it's been snuffed. Rudy, wait! You're not leaving. - I'm not? - No. Your our Sensei, and you've never quit on us, and we're not gonna quit on you. - We're going to help you do this. - What are you doing? I'm not going to let this man's torch go out. Okay Rudy, the most important thing to do is I know Kim! Just go for it! - Rudy! - Woo! Oh! Great start Rudy! Next time you might want to try it with your board. Here we go, let's start the party! Chop it up like it's karate. Where's Milton? He missed homeroom. Uh, I bet he's at home polishing his badge. Come on I think what he did at the Mall yesterday was pretty cool. - Maybe it will give him some self-esteem. - Uh It gave him something. [Western theme music] Milton? What you wearing? My uniform. It's part marching band part Starfleet And all attitude. You know that plastic badge doesn't give you any real power right? Oh I've got power And I'm not afraid to use it sister. Excuse me. [Laughing] I'm gonna have to ask to dewedgify that boy. What? I said step away from the nerds' underpants, mister. Wait. Dude, you're the kid that took down the robber at the Mall. I uh, I, I don't want any trouble. Good, now move it fella! Huh. Ha! Come on! So what did you think of your first patrol rookie? I can't get that last call out of my head. Yeah, your first 14-12 stays with you. You never forget the sight of a dead bird in a port a pooper. - Go on Milton. - Uh Jack Mall regulations forbid skateboarding in the courtyard. Uh-huh. So, I'm gonna have to ask you to stop. Yeah, not gonna happen. - Never hurts to ask. - Later. Uh! Ah! Ah! I can't believe what I'm seeing, what was that? Jack, he kind of plays by his own rules. Oh no, no, no, there's only one set of rules. But Jack's my friend. Yeah, a friend that doesn't respect you. When you put that badge on, Jack became just another dirty roller. Wow, you're right. - My friends still don't respect me. - Yeah. And you know how you get that respect? By enforcing the law! You close your eyes to Jack You might as well close your eyes to the man that strips down and swims in the fountain. Actually I do close my eyes to that. But I get it. Friends or no friends, I'm the law now! Ow. Kickin' it with you. Not bad for your first day. We were lucky we found your tooth. You know it's funny You never really think about your spleen until you see it. You just had to encourage him. I'm trying to help him. - Milton, what's going on? - I warned Rudy there was mold on the mats. He didn't take care of it, so it was my duty to inform the Health Inspector. No, no, I have a health certificate right here that says everything is up to code. That's your dog's vaccination record. Expired. There is nothing wrong with this dojo. You've got a raging case of mat mold. Until you take care of it, I'm shutting you down. Way to go Officer Milton. You did what the termites, rats, and roaches, couldn't. Okay, in my defense I brought in the rats to get rid of the termites and the roaches. [Owl hoots] Ah, Rudy the owl you ordered is here. Again I brought in the owl, to get rid of the rats, so [Owl hoots] Closed? What happened? This beanpole ratted us out to the Health Inspector. What? Dude, are you insane, you brought a Health Inspector down here? He didn't find my cheese making locker did he? You make cheese in your locker? That's disgusting! Oh So you love my quesadillas but you don't want to see where they come from, huh? Ever since you got that plastic badge you've been put of control. Well when I see something wrong, it's my job to do something about it. Why don't you do something about your breath? You can use a mint sister! [Exhales] Hey I just met these guys in the parking lot, they gave me a great price to steam blast the mats. They even said they could do it tonight. Great if we pass the inspection, the dojo can reopen tomorrow. That gives us tonight, Rudy we have time to go back to the Half Pipe. Oh, seriously Kim. We are not giving up. Get in the car! No, no, no, I uh, uh, Jack's right. It's a little dangerous and, I finally stopped leaking. Go, get in the car! Come on Jack. Go, go, go! Kickin' it with you. Alright Rudy, get in there and tear it up. I don't wanna tear it up, if I do I won't grow another one, I'm not a starfish! Jack, who's the old dude? Who you calling an "old dude"? I have half a mind to call your parents. Back off, Randy. That guy's not a skater. He's just taking a break, he's been skating the ramp for an hour. - Yeah. - Why do you think he's so sweaty? Certainly not from fear. Does he have moves? [Mockingly] Does he have moves? Moves? Of course he has moves, who wouldn't come up here without any moves. - I don't have any moves. - You have moves! No I Kim I appreciate you trying to help me but I've learned my limitations. I'm never going to be a skateboarder and that's okay. Now excuse me. Son Son This is your house and I respect that. I shan't stay any longer. As the handshake was to my generation, the high five is to yours. So won't you give me as you kids say "Some up top". Whatever Gramps. Whoa! [Yelps, screams] Oh! Whoa! What just happened!? Dude that was the sickest move I've ever seen! Mad respect! Do it again! Perhaps I could tear it up just a bit! No, no, no guys, guys shows over, let's go Rudy. Get in the car, we're leaving while you're still alive. - No, can't I just - Both: Get in the car! Hey, Milton. - Someone stole our bikes! - Yeah. They weren't stolen I impounded them. You had them chained to the Captain Corn-dog statue. That's against the rules. Yeah, well you know what else is against the rules? Being a jerk to your friends. You know Milton, I think there's a badge where your heart used to be. My heart's still there, only now it's pumping justice! Strip mall justice! I couldn't help but hear over what you say lawman. Sometimes you need to give to your friends the rough loving. Thank you Phil, I'm glad someone underst [Goat bleats] What was that? Uh, definitely not my goat Tootsie, that is for sure. Phil, animals in the kitchen are against the rules. Why? Tootsie's wearing a hairnet. Wanna go suck on the nozzles at the fro-yo store? You kidding me? If Milton saw that he'd write us up and put us in mall jail. There's a mall jail? Well kinda, you sit in in Joan's office while she reads her high school yearbook and cry's. Take it to the door, you moron. Oh! Hey, what are you guys doing here? Oh, we wanted to watch you guys steam blast the mats. Where's your steam blaster? It's uh, out at the steam station. Yeah, it's getting filled. With uh, steam. Oh, sounds legit. [Whispering] Jerry, I think these guys are robbers. What, why would Rudy hire robbers to clean his mats? Oh. Yeah - Ah! - Ah! - Ah! - Ah! - Ah! - Ah! Oof! Nothing personal Tootsie. I gotta take you in for a mug shot. What's going on in the dojo? Psst! Jerry, Eddie, what are you two doing? You're not authorized to be here. Neither are they. They're the cleaning crew. Yeah, they're cleaning us out. What? - You mean - Yes. - They're - Yes. - And you're in the middle of a - Yes. Well this burglary is over. You Sir, are under arrest. [Laughing] Really? - You're arresting me? - That's right. You have the right to remain silent. You have Oh, oh! Resisting arrest, you're in big trouble now. You happy Milton? Look at what you and your stupid little badge got us in to. Yeah, you stopped one robbery, and you think you're some sort of superhero. The truth is, I didn't even do that. The guy slipped on my smoothie, and I saw a chance to make myself look big. Too bad you're not the crime fighter you pretended to be. Because that's the guy we need right now. [Superhero music playing] Holy Christmas nuts! I'm huge! [Grunts] Get him! [Whip, moans] Oh! [Grunt] [Yells] Ah! Ah! [Grunt] [Thud] [Yelling] Milton that was sick! - What's going on? - These guys you hired were robbers. And Milton took them all down. Milton? Here they are officers! Take 'em away! Oh, I've got to get a scooter this beat's killing me. You Sir, are getting a plastic citation, for your bravery. A plastic Medal of Valor. And a beautiful plastic sash for your No Joan, stop! I don't want any of this. I know I was acting like a jerk. It's just I was tired of being teased and I wanted a little respect from you guys. Dude just because we busted on you, doesn't mean we don't respect you. Yeah, Milton what you did was incredible. Thanks, but I just want things to go back to the way they were. Joan Please take this badge back. Ow That was the pin. She's gonna bleed. I need some backup, officer has a boo-boo. [Sobbing] Hey, tonight we celebrate no robbery, free falafel on me let's go! [Cheering] - Yeah. - Let's go. [Tootsie bleats] Uh They're coming back for us right? I hope so, my butts getting numb. - Hey! - Hey! - Hey! - Hey! Wow, prom I had actually blacked this one out. [Sobbing] That's me at the window looking in. [Tootsie bleats] No it wasn't raining that night, those are my tears on the window. We keep going, unless you think you've had enough. Okay Moving on to the sad years, I know