Life's A Witch

- PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS... - I LOVE YOU. IT'S GONNA BE FINE. IT'S GONNA BE PERFECT, OKAY? I'LL SEE YOU IN RECOVERY. - OH, MY LOVE. THIS LYME DISEASE HAS TAKEN THE BEST OF ME. I HAVE NEVER SUFFERED THIS DEEPLY IN MY LIFE. - THE PROBLEM IS THERE'S ALL THESE WINDOWS, AND I TEND TO WALK AROUND WITHOUT MY CLOTHES ON, AS YOU KNOW. I MET J.R. AT THE WHITE PARTY AT KYLE'S HOUSE. WE ARGUE A LOT, AND THEN WE HAVE REALLY GOOD MAKE-UP SEX. AND THAT'S J.R. - DO YOU GUYS HAVE KIDS? - YEAH. 11, 9, AND 2 NEXT WEEK. YEAH, HE'S CROSS. - CROSS? - YEAH. UM, DESTINY AND MYSTERI. - WHOA, THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE. - DESTINY AND MYSTERI. THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. I LIKE THAT EVEN BETTER THAN CROSS. - DON'T [bleep] WITH MY CHILDREN'S NAMES. - THIS IS WHERE THE RUMOR COMES THAT HE'S BEEN SEEN WITH A YOUNGER WOMAN. [laughs] - HOW ARE YOU WITH KYLE? - I MEAN, I'M NOT IN A BETTER PLACE WITH A WOMAN THAT CALLED ME A LIAR. - YOU JUST GOT TO PUT YOUR HOUSE ON THE MARKET. YOU'RE GOING TO BOND REALLY QUICK. [laughter] - ONE. ARM UP. - SOME PEOPLE JUST AREN'T CUT OUT FOR FAKE FAINTS. - UH. - [laughs] [upbeat music] - I'M FROM THIS TOWN. I KNOW WHAT'S REAL AND WHAT'S FAKE. - DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE MY FRIEND. ACT LIKE ONE. - IN BEVERLY HILLS, THE HIGHER YOU CLIMB, THE FARTHER YOU FALL. - EVERYBODY LOVES A COMEBACK STORY, ESPECIALLY STARRING ME. - IN MY WORLD, MONEY DOESN'T TALK. IT SWEARS. - YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO YOUNG, TOO THIN, OR TOO HONEST. - LIFE IS A SEXY LITTLE DANCE, AND I LIKE TO TAKE THE LEAD. - HI. - HI, BOO-BOO. - OH, HI. - HI. - I LIKE YOUR BAND-AID. - I KNOW. I'M A MESS. MOVING INTO MY NEW HOUSE, I HAVE SCRAPES, AND BRUISES, AND BUMPS, AND I'M WALKING INTO FURNITURE. I FELL TWICE, AND I WAS SOBER. - CAN I GET CHICA? - I GUESS. - I HAVE TO. - SHE PEES. - SHE WON'T PEE ON ME. SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT? - I'M GONNA GO OUT WITH J.R. AND HAVE THE TALK. - AGAIN, OR-- - [chuckles] J.R. STARTED OUT AS MY MAN FRIEND. AND THEN, WE BROKE UP. AND THEN, I NEEDED A HOUSE. SO I SAID I WOULD USE HIM, AND SO I USED HIM IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE. - TELL ME YOU WANT IT, AND I'LL GO GET IT. - GET IT. DON'T [bleep] IT UP. BECAUSE HE'S A REAL ESTATE AGENT. YES, DUH. NO, THIS TIME, IT'S FOR GOOD, SO... - NO, BUT YOU GUYS HAVE BROKEN UP SO MANY TIMES. IT'S BACK ON. IT'S BACK OFF. IT'S OFF. IT'S ON. I MEAN, HE--HE'S NICE, BUT I DON'T THINK HE'S FOR YOU. - NO, I MEAN, I KNOW HE'S NOT FOR ME, BUT IT WAS NICE TO PLAY HOUSE WITH SOMEONE, AND SPEND THE NIGHT, AND LIKE I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO END BADLY BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA SEE HIM. HE'S MAURICIO'S PARTNER. NOW THAT I HAVE A HOUSE, I DON'T NEED J.R. ANYMORE. THAT IS HORRIBLE. BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE. HE'S DRIVING ME NUTS. HE'S REALLY ON MY LAST NERVE. OH, THAT FEELS GOOD. - IS IT WARM? - I FEEL LIKE A LITTLE KID. SOME PEOPLE DO THEIR BEST THINKING IN THE SHOWER. I DO MY BEST THINKING IN THE BATHTUB. LOVELY. - BUT WHAT'S GONNA BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME? SERIOUSLY? - ULTIMATELY, I MEAN-- AND I'VE SAID THIS TO HIM, SO IT'S NOT LIKE A SHOCK-- WE DON'T GET ALONG, HE AND I. WE BICKER LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE, AND THEN WE HAVE AMAZING SEX. - YOU MIGHT NEED TO TAKE A LITTLE BREAK FOR A MINUTE. - YEAH, FOR SURE, BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN MY TUB DOESN'T WORK, AND MY WASHER'S NOT WORKING, AND I JUST-- - GET A HANDYMAN. - AY, YI, YI, YA. - YOU DESERVE BETTER. - YOU LATIN PEOPLE IN MY LIFE ARE SO ANNOYING. - I KNOW. - I'M SO EXCITED FOR TODAY. YOU'RE GONNA LOOK SO AMAZING, JUST DRIPPING IN JEWELS. IVETTE IS THE WINNER OF THE PAGEANT THAT I CREATED, "QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE." - I LOVE IT. - IT'S GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL. I WANTED TO EMPOWER GIRLS AND GIVE GIRLS A PLATFORM THAT I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE. SO WE HAVE SO MANY THINGS COMING UP NOW. WE'RE GONNA GO TO THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL. - UH-HUH. - TO THE CANCER PATIENT UNIT. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK BEAUTY PAGEANTS ARE FOR DUMB GIRLS, BUT I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL WHEN I WAS JUST TURNING 16. AND THEN I FINISHED MY TWO B.A.s BY THE TIME I WAS 19. I HAVE A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN SOCIAL WORK AND A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN SPECIAL EDUCATION. IT'S A BIG, BIG FUNDRAISER, AND YOU'RE ONNG BE THERE CROWNING LITTLE GIRLS. IN PUERTO RICO, I WAS WORKING AT KFC WHEN THIS GUY OFFERED ME 500 BUCKS TO DO A CAMPAIGN FOR HIM. AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, $500! I'M SO RICH!" I DID A MILLION PHOTO SHOOTS, AND A LOT OF THEM WERE SEXY, BUT YOU COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING. YOU COULDN'T SEE MY COOCHIE OR MY ***. ONE OF THE SHOOTS THAT I DID SOMEHOW GOT SO MUCH NOTORIETY AFTER I WON THE MISS PUERTO RICO. I DON'T KNOW WHY IT BECAME THIS MASSIVE SCANDAL. THANK YOU. AND I CALLED THE OFFICES OF TRUMP IN NEW YORK, AND I ACTUALLY GOT A HOLD OF HIS SECRETARY. I WAS LIKE, "NO, I DON'T WANT THEM TO TAKE MY CROWN AWAY." HI. - HI, HOW ARE YOU? - I'M GOOD. - NICE TO MEET YOU. HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD. AND THE NEXT DAY, SHE CALLED ME BACK, AND SHE SAID, "SWEETHEART, MR. TRUMP HAS SEEN EVERYTHING, AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT." SO IT ALL WORKED OUT. SEE, THIS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE IT'S VERY PRETTY WOMAN. - THIS IS VERY PRETTY WOMAN. THIS IS ACTUALLY THE SAME STORE THAT THEY SHOT PRETTY WOMAN IN. - YOU DO THAT TOO? [squeals] [laughter] ABOUT 12 YEARS AGO, I MOVED TO LOS ANGELES WITH TWO BAGS AND A DREAM. OKAY, YOU CAN STAND, YOU GORGEOUS QUEEN... - OKAY. - AND WE WILL CROWN YOU. - OH, MY GOD. - I HAD NOTHING BUT A RESERVATION AT THE BEVERLY WILSHIRE HOTEL. WHEN I FIRST MOVED HERE, I WANTED TO COME HERE BECAUSE I SAW THE MOVIE PRETTY WOMAN. SO I STAYED AT THIS HOTEL. BUT THEN I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, I'M GOING BROKE HERE. I GOTTA MOVE, OR IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN." - NOW YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO THE STORES ON RODEO AND DO THE SAME THING SHE DID. "BIG MISTAKE." both: "HUGE." - REMEMBER THAT? THAT WAS AWESOME. I LOVE THAT SCENE. - HOW LONG DO YOU NEED TO COOK, BABE? - TWO MINUTES. - OKAY. WE HAVE TWO MINUTES TO PLAY GOLF, LEO. CAN WE DO THAT? - THREE MINUTES. PLAY FOR THREE MINUTES. - OKAY, COME ON. THREE MINUTES, GUYS. - I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN, LEONARDO AND VALENTINO, WHO ARE THE LOVE AND THE LIGHT OF MY EYES. - NICE ONE. - LOOK. - POM. POM. OH, GO, GO, GO, GO. ALMOST, VAL. NICE JOB, LEO. COME ON. WE GO EAT, NOW. - WITH LEO, PEOPLE THINK I'M THE NANNY BECAUSE HE'S BLONDE WITH BLUE EYES. I WAS ON BED REST FOR THIS BABY. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - COME, GO EAT SOMETHING. - [laughs] - PERHAPS THIS WAY. COME. [chuckles] - I HAVE TO THANK GOD EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR MY HUSBAND BECAUSE HE IS A TRUE GENTLEMAN AND HE'S THE BEST LOVER IN THE WORLD. - NO! - WHAT DO YOU MEAN "NO?" HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? - I THINK MY LIFE DESCRIBED IN ONE WORD IS SIMPLY "BLESSED." - I WANT A BANANA. - NO. - I WANT A BANANA RIGHT NOW. - YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. - DO YOU WANT TO MOVE THAT STUFF FIRST? - I SURE DO. SO I WANT TO MOVE THIS. - THIS IS HEAVY. - I KNOW. YOU CAN PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT. - PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT. - I'LL PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT. - YOU PUT YOUR BACK INTO MY BACK. - OKAY. ELIZY IS MY SON'S NANNY. SHE'S LIKE TINKER BELL ON CRACK. [laughter] - IT'S LIKE TWO MONKEYS TRYING TO HUMP A FOOTBALL. [laughter] - AND SHE IS BUBBLY, AND SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, AND I LIKE MY SON TO BE AROUND BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. - [groans] OKAY. - I--I CAN'T-- [gasps] DID YOU DO THAT? - I'M NOT EVEN OVER THERE. DON'T SCARE ME. - DAVE'S GONNA BE MAD. - LICK IT. - SPIT POLISH. - GOOD. - ALL RIGHT. CLASSY ***, WE ARE. THIS HOUSE, BY FAR, IS MY DREAM HOUSE. I HAVE MY CRYSTAL BALLS. I HAVE MY CRYSTALS, CROSSES. IT'S ALMOST CATHEDRAL/GOTHIC/CHURCH. I MEAN, IT'S A CASTLE. SO THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO. - OKAY. - CRYSTAL BALL, AND THEN I WANT TO DO ROSES AT EITHER SIDE. - OF THE TABLE. - YEAH. AND THEN THIS-- - NOT TALL? - NO. - NOT VASES? LITTLE ONES? - NO, LITTLE ONES. - SO YOU CAN SEE EACH OTHER'S FACES? AND HAVE FUN CONVERSATIONS AND TALK ABOUT LOVE, AND LIFE, AND EVERYTHING? THAT'S FUN. - I HOPE SO. - YAY! - OW. [both laugh] I INVITED THESE LADIES TO LUNCH BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WANTED TO GET TO KNOW THEM BETTER. I KNOW I AM NOT THAT COMFORTABLE WITH KYLE. - OH, MY GOD, THERE'S A BEE. SHARON, KILL IT FOR ME IF YOU LOVE ME. - NO! DON'T KILL IT. - OH, WELL. - I DO HAVE A RESPECT FOR BASICALLY GOD'S CREATURES, AND ANIMALS ARE IT. SO ARE BEES AND INSECTS, APART FROM THE ANTS. I DON'T LIKE THE ANTS. - WE COULD HAVE ALL THE LADIES SIT IN THE BED AND EAT DADDY'S GRILLED CHEESE. - NICE. JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT. - BE LIKE, "IF YOU WANT TO SEE HOW WE REALLY EAT, THIS IS WHAT WE DO. WE SIT IN BED..." - THIS IS THE WAY I WANT TO ROLL. - "AND WE EAT GRILLED CHEESE." - CLIMB IN BED. - [laughs] - LIKE. YUMMY. YOU LOOK GOOD, ELIZY. - I LOVE YOU. - COMING UP... - HAVE YOU EVER EXPLORED WITH WITCHCRAFT? - REALLY? - HI, BRIAN. - HEY, YOLANDA. - OH, MY GOD. I'M SO EXHAUSTED. UGH. WHAT A DAY. HOW ARE YOU? - I AM ACTUALLY EXCELLENT. SO HOW DO YOU FEEL SINCE I SAW YOU LAST? - UM, I--YOU KNOW, TIRED. LIKE, JUST REALLY-- I THINK I'M-- [coughs] AND MY--AND THAT COUGH IS COMING BACK, SO... - SORRY, BRIAN. - SOMETHING IS BOTHERING MY SYSTEM, BUT... - OTHER THAN ME? - OTHER THAN YOU BOTHERING ME EVERY DAY, YES. BRIAN HAS A SERVICE THAT GOES TO PEOPLE'S HOUSES TO DO HOLISTIC TREATMENTS. AT THIS POINT, I'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET MY BRAIN BACK. TELL ME TO EAT BARK FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS, AND I WILL. SOMETIMES YOU SO NICE, AND SOMETIMES YOU'RE JUST-- - DID I TELL YOU IT WAS GOING TO BE PAINLESS? - [laughs] - EVERY OTHER TIME, IT'S PAINLESS. - MY RECOVERY IS A PART OF MY EVERYDAY LIFE, AND I THINK IT WAS HEARTBREAKING FOR GIGI, AS MY OLDEST DAUGHTER, TO SEE ME ALMOST DYING FROM LYME DISEASE. - HOW LONG DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS FOR? - WELL, JUST, YOU KNOW, UNTIL I START FEELING BETTER. I MEAN, I'M ABOUT 70%. IT REALLY REDEFINED HER RELATIONSHIPS WITH HER BROTHER AND SISTER. ALL OF A SUDDEN, SHE HAD TO BE THE BIG SISTER AND TAKE CARE OF THEM, SO IT REALLY CHANGED THE DYNAMICS WITHIN OUR WHOLE FAMILY. THANK YOU, BRIAN. - YOU'RE WELCOME. - MM. - ISN'T IT GOOD? - LIKE ONCE YOU'RE IN NEW YORK, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO COOK EVERY DAY YOURSELF. - I LOVE THAT. - OH, YEAH? - YEAH, LIKE GOING SHOPPING FOR MY OWN FOOD IS GONNA MAKE ME SO HAPPY. EVERYTHING IN MY PANTRY IS WHAT I WANT. I'M EXCITED. - YEAH. GIGI'S LEAVING THE END OF THE SUMMER TO GO TO COLLEGE IN NEW YORK CITY. IT'S A BIG STEP. IT'S GONNA BE HARD NOT HAVING HER ENERGY IN THIS HOUSE. SHE'S--YOU KNOW, SHE'S HERE. SHE'S LOVING. SHE'S FUN. SHE'S MOTIVATING FOR THE OTHER KIDS AS WELL BECAUSE SHE'S A BALL-BUSTER, AND SHE GOES OUT FOR WHAT SHE WANTS. WHEN YOU GO TO NEW YORK, GIGI, I REMEMBER JUST GOING TO WALK ON THE STREET, AND I COULD FEEL THE ENERGY OF THE PEOPLE. AND EVERYBODY'S THERE FIGHTING FOR THEIR DREAM, AND WORKING, AND GETTING UP EARLY, AND-- - YEAH, WELL THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO COLLEGE TO STUDY CRIMINAL PSYCHOLOGY BUT I'M MODELING AT THE SAME TIME... - I KNOW. - AND LIKE-- - IN HOLLAND, YOU COULD NEVER DO THAT. LIKE, YOU WOULD EITHER GO TO COLLEGE AND STUDY, OR YOU WOULD HAVE A CAREER IN MODELING. LIKE FOR ME, I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD HAVE BOTH. I HAD TO WORK BECAUSE WE WERE POOR. WE DIDN'T HAVE MONEY FOR ME TO GO TO COLLEGE, AND I NEEDED TO SUPPORT MY MOM AND MY FAMILY. AND, YOU KNOW, I WAS HUNGRY. YOU BETTER ENJOY THOSE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS OF YOUR MOMMY SMOTHERING YOU. - I KNOW. GIRL, YOU BETTER ENJOY THE LAST COUPLE MONTHS OF ME BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA WALK IN MY ROOM, IT'S GONNA BE SO QUIET. - I'LL BE CRYING. OH, MY GOD. IT'S NOT THAT IT'S THE FIRST TIME WE ARE APART. BUT, YOU KNOW, THIS TIME, IT'S FOR REAL. OF COURSE I'M GONNA CRY MY EYES OUT WHEN THE DAY COMES. I MEAN, JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY. I'M SAD. - ARE YOU CRYING? - YEAH. I JUST GOT SAD, THE THOUGHT OF YOU LEAVING. - YOU KNOW WHAT? SOMETIMES EVERYONE'S LIKE, "WHY ARE SUCH A CRIER?" I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW." AND THEN, OBVIOUSLY, 'CAUSE YOU CAN CRY OFF LIKE A FRICKIN' DROP OF A PIN. - WELL, IT'S NOT A DROP OF A PIN. - [laughs] - YOU'RE MY BABY... - WELL, I'M NOT GONE, YET. - AND YOU'RE LEAVING ME. YEAH, BUT IT'S SAD, YOU KNOW? - [laughs] YEAH. I LOVE YOU. - I LOVE YOU, BABY. - HI. - HI, HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD, I THINK A RESERVATION FOR JONATHAN? - FOR TWO, RIGHT? - YEAH. THANKS. THANK YOU. - DO YOU WANT A BEVERAGE WHILE YOU'RE WAITING? - I WOULD LOVE--DO YOU HAVE A ROSE THAT'S NOT SPARKLY? - MM-HMM. - PERFECT. I'LL HAVE THAT. THANK YOU. - HEY. - OH, HELLO. I WAS LOOKING FOR THE WAITER. - HOW WE DOING? - YEAH, I WAS-- I WAS LIKE, "I NEED MY WATER." HOW ARE YOU? - I'M GOOD. I ALWAYS GET WORRIED WHEN I GET THE DOUBLE KISS HELLO. - BUT I ALWAYS DO THE DOUBLE KISS. I THINK I DO. - NO. - J.R. IS A PAIN IN MY ***. BUT IT'S HARD BECAUSE YOU GET ATTACHED TO SOMEONE, AND THEN YOU'RE USED TO HAVING SOMEONE AROUND WHEN THE KIDS AREN'T AROUND. AND THEN IT'S LIKE LONELY, CRICKETS. SO THEN HE COMES BACK FOR VISITS. ARE YOU HUNGRY? - YES. - HAVE A DRINK 'CAUSE WE NEED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION. - OH, ARE WE GONNA HAVE THE TALK? - UM... [sighs] YOU'RE THE FIRST GUY THE BOYS HAVE MET IN LIKE A LONG TIME, BUT THEY OBVIOUSLY KNOW YOU AS MY FRIEND, THE REAL ESTATE AGENT, AND THEY REALLY LIKE YOU. - I'VE ENJOYED IT. THE KIDS ARE GREAT. IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE TO BE AROUND THEM. - OH, THANK YOU. - THE ROUND ONES ARE THE CALAMARI, AND THE HALF ONES ARE THE SHRIMP. - THANKS A LOT. - I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU AS A FRIEND. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? AND I REALLY-- 'CAUSE I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE, BUT I THINK THAT IT'S OVER. - I THINK YOU'RE GREAT. - DITTO. - AND I ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH YOU AND ALL THE TIME WE SPEND TOGETHER. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT OFF RIGHT AWAY. - UNLESS YOU GO TO TEXAS AND FORGET TO TELL ME THAT YOU'RE GOING TO TEXAS, 'CAUSE THAT'S ALWAYS FUN. - RIGHT. - NO ONE JUST ALL OF A SUDDEN SAYS, "OH, BY THE WAY, I JUST GOT ON AN AIRPLANE, AND I'M GOING TO TEXAS." YOU DIDN'T BOOK THAT ON FRIDAY. YOU HAVE TO PLAN THAT [bleep]. WITH ALL YOUR COUPLE FRIENDS, AND YOU DON'T TELL ME, AND I'M NOT INVITED, AND IT'S LAST MINUTE, "OH, BY THE WAY, I'M ON A PLANE?" - THIS AWESOME THING IS REALLY-- THIS IS-- THIS IS THE CRUX OF IT ALL, ISN'T IT? - EXTREMELY ANNOYING. YOU DIDN'T TELL ME FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER. AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO HIDE? SO, OF COURSE, IT TRIGGERS MY TRUST ISSUES. - THERE WASN'T ANYTHING SHADY, BUT I'M SORRY. - YOU WENT ON A "COUPLES' TRIP" AS A SINGLE GUY WHEN WE WERE DATING, WHICH IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME. - CLEARLY. - YEAH. IT'S A DEAL-BREAKER. I ABSOLUTELY HAVE A LOT OF [bleep] UP ISSUES. ALL RIGHT, WE SHOULD GO. - I AGREE. - YEAH, SO LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. I DON'T TRUST ANYONE, AND I'D RATHER BREAK UP WITH THEM THAN HAVE THEM BREAK UP WITH ME. SO I'M ALL [bleep] UP, YEAH. WELCOME TO DIVORCE, ***. I KIND OF AM A LITTLE TIPSY. YOU'RE DRIVING ME HOME, RIGHT? - YES. [dial tone rings] - HELLO? - HI, DARLING. IT'S ME. - HI, MOMMY. HOW ARE YOU DOING? - I'M OKAY. I'M STILL NOT FEELING GREAT. DANCING WITH THE STARS IS SO PHYSICALLY TAXING. I'M GOING TO THE STUDIO NOW, YOU KNOW, TO-- - YOU SHOULD BE IN BED, NOT DANCING. - IN ONE WAY, IT WOULD BE GOOD TO BE VOTED OFF BECAUSE I FEEL ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED, DEPLETED. MY GLANDS ARE HURTING. I STILL GOT A TEMPERATURE. BUT IT'S A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD BECAUSE NOBODY REALLY WANTS TO GO HOME. IT'S GOING TO BE FINE. - TEXT ME BEFORE YOU GO ON, AND I'LL--I'LL TRY AND SEE YOU BEFORE YOU GO ON. AND THEN, I'LL SEE YOU AFTERWARDS. - COME TO THE TRAILER. BRING THE SEX MONSTER. - I WILL. - THE SEX MONSTER NOT BEING YOUR FATHER, BY THE WAY. [laughs] - OH, DEAR. THANKS FOR THAT. [laughs] - FROM HOLLYWOOD, THIS IS DANCING WITH THE STARS. [cheers and applause] - I COULD HAVE ACTUALLY SKIPPED THE DANCE AND REALLY KIND OF BOWED OUT OF IT. NOBODY EXPECTED ME TO DANCE, AND MY DOCTOR SAID, "I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD." - THE COUPLE WITH THE LOWEST COMBINED TOTAL OF SCORES AND VOTES AND THEREFORE LEAVING RIGHT NOW IS... - I THOUGHT, "YOU KNOW, SCREW IT. "I'M GONNA PUT MYSELF OUT THERE AND LET THE AUDIENCE DECIDE." - LISA AND GLEB. all: AW. - I WAS OKAY WITH IT. I ACTUALLY DON'T THINK I WOULD HAVE HAD THE REST THAT I PROBABLY NEED THIS WEEK IF I WAS GONNA CARRY ON. - DO YOU FEEL RELIEVED? - I MEAN, I'M SOMEWHAT RELIEVED BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE HONEST, THIS WEEK'S BEEN SO DIFFICULT FOR ME KIND OF PHYSICALLY. - CHA-CHA-- - MOSTLY ONLINE, I'VE SEEN A LOT OF SUPPORT FOR YOU, AND THEY'RE HAPPY YOU DANCED. THERE ARE A FEW CYNICS THAT SUGGESTED THAT IT WAS FAKED. - OH, WELL, THAT'S BULL-[bleep]. NOT INTERESTED. IF I CARED WHAT PEOPLE SAID REALLY, WOULD I BE IN THIS STUPID GAME ANYWAY? GIVE ME A BREAK. I DON'T REALLY CARE, TO BE HONEST. IS THAT A TERRIBLE THING? - HEY. - HEY. - SO GOOD. - GREAT JOB. - YOU JUST HOPE YOUR FRIENDS SUPPORT YOU. BUT THE REST OF THE WORLD CAN *** OFF. - [laughs] - YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S BEEN AMAZING. I MEAN, IT REALLY HAS. IT'S BEEN AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE. - IF YOU'D DONE THAT CHA-CHA HEALTHY-- - WATCH OUT. - WATCH OUT. - IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. - AMAZING, I THOUGHT YOU WERE. - YEAH, YOU WERE GREAT. - YOU WERE GREAT. - I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE-- THEY SHOULD HAVE VOTED YOU OFF, ACTUALLY. - SIX WEEKS, WE SET ASIDE EVERYTHING FOR SIX WEEKS. - WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU. - I KNOW. - THIS IS HOW YOU GO OUT FOR DINNER, LIKE THIS? YOU JUST PUT IT OVER YOUR CHA-CHA UNIFORM? - YEAH, EXACTLY, I'M GONNA CHA-CHA MY WAY OUT OF HERE. BUT IT'S BEEN--I CAN GO BACK TO BEING YOUR WIFE. I'VE BEEN A LOUSY MOTHER, A LOUSY FRIEND, A LOUSY WIFE, A LOUSY BUSINESSWOMAN. MY WHOLE LIFE WAS ON HOLD JUST FOR DANCING WITH THE STARS. BUT WOW, WHAT AN EXPERIENCE. - I THINK YOU GET THE AWARD FOR THE COOLEST MOTHER EVER, ACTUALLY. - AND THE COOLEST WIFE. - COMING UP.... - LET'S TALK ABOUT LISA ON DANCING WITH THE STARS. - I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE FAINT SO PRETTY AND PERFECT. [sighs] [laughs] - ELIZY? - YEAH? - IRONICALLY, I DON'T THINK I HAVE ENOUGH ALCOHOL. - REALLY? - NO. - MOST LADIES DRINK WHITE WINE OR CHAMPAGNE. I DON'T KNOW. - I HAVE WHITE WINE. - OKAY. I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL. - YAY. - I LOVE YOU. - [laughs] - I DO. - [bleep] - ARE YOU EXCITED FOR TODAY? - NO, NO, NO, NO. YEAH. [door closes] - HI. - HI. - OH, YOU GOT THE GIFT? - I HAVE A GIFT. - OH, GOOD. - MWAH. - OOH. OH, OH. [laughs] - I'M NOT KISSING BOTH OF YOUR CHEEKS. YOU'RE MY SISTER. - HI. - HI. - HOW ARE YOU? - OH, YOU LOOK PRETTY. - HOW ARE YOU? - HOW ARE YOU? GOOD? - GOOD. - HELLO. MWAH. MWAH. [laughs] - LOOK HOW TALL I AM. - WHAT? - IT'S A BLACK PARTY ALMOST, EXCEPT FOR... - I KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT-- - CO--COLORFUL HAIR. - I LOVE IT. - NOT FOR YOU. - OH. THANK YOU SO MUCH, - I'M LIKE, "NICE." SHOULD WE OPEN IT? - WE CAN, BUT THEN I WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO GIVE CARLTON. - OH, NEVER MIND. [laughter] - I FIND CARLTON TO BE LIKE A LITTLE DARK AND EDGY, AND I LIKE THAT, SO I'M THINKING HER HOUSE IS GONNA BE A LITTLE DARK AND EDGY. LISA IS AT THE RESTAURANT. SHE'S GONNA COME LATE, AND YOLANDA'S DRIVING BY HERSELF. SO... - WHY IS YOLANDA GOING BY HERSELF? - WELL, SHE'S COMING FROM MALIBU, SO IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE FOR HER TO COME UP HERE. PLUS, SHE HATES YOU. - YEAH. - SO THERE'S ALWAYS THAT. - NO LOVE LOST THERE. - WE COULD ACTUALLY MIX THIS WHOLE THING TOGETHER. - OKAY. WHOO! OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL. - MY KIND OF SALAD. I DON'T COOK IN THE KITCHEN. THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE I COOK. - I CAN'T FIND A CHAMPAGNE BUCKET ANYWHERE. - I KNOW I HAVE ONE. ELIZY IS GOING TO DOUBLE AS ONE OF MY SERVERS TODAY. AND THEN I HAVE ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND, CARLYN, ALSO HELPING WITH THE SERVING. WELL, I LOVE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, AND THAT'S WHAT I SURROUND MYSELF WITH. - YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A THING OF MAYONNAISE ON THE TABLE, AND THEY'RE GONNA BE LIKE, "WHAT IS GOING ON?" - I'M [bleep] ENGLISH. I EAT [bleep] MAYONNAISE WITH EVERYTHING. [doorbell rings] - HELLO? - HI. OH, MY GOD. YOU LOOK STUNNING. - HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD. HOW ARE YOU DOING? - NICE TO SEE YOU. YOU'RE LOOKING GREAT. - THANK YOU. - YOU'RE WELCOME. MY FAVORITE CANDLE. THERE'S TIMES WHEN YOU MEET A WOMAN THAT YOU'RE INSTANTLY ATTRACTED TO, AND I HAD THAT WITH CARLTON. - THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND, A.C. - HI, HOW ARE YOU? - HI, A.C. I'M YOLANDA. - VERY NICE TO MEET YOU. - NICE TO MEET YOU. - JUST ONE WATER, BABY. - THAT'S IT? - YEAH. - THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT HER THAT IS VERY GROUNDED AND REAL THAT I LIKE. SO HOW ARE YOU? - I'M GOOD. - YOU'RE GOOD? - YEAH. - HOW ARE THE KIDS? - LOVELY. - AND DESTINY IS--IS HOW OLD? 12? - UM, SHE'S GONNA BE 11 IN JUNE. - MY GIGI, MY OLDEST ONE, IS MOVING TO NEW YORK. - HOW OLD IS SHE AGAIN? - 18. JUST TURNED 18. - MY SON JUST TURNED TOO. - SO SPECIAL, OOH. BOYS ARE SO YUMMY. - I KNOW. I DO THAT TO MY SON. - SO CUTE. - SO INAPPROPRIATE. - ISN'T IT? - WELL, I ASKED FOR HIS TONGUE, SO... - [laughs] YOU DIDN'T. - DID TOO. - OH, MY GOD. - YOU CAN'T DO THAT MUCH LONGER. [laughter] THAT IS NAUGHTY. - YOU'RE FUNNY. YOLANDA HAS A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR, WHICH I LOVE. I LOVE A WOMAN THAT IS SECURE IN HERSELF, THAT CAN LAUGH AT HERSELF, AND DOESN'T TAKE THINGS TOO SERIOUSLY. - SO LAST NIGHT, OUR NEW PUPPY HAS HAD DIARRHEA. SO I PUT HER IN SOPHIA'S BATHROOM 'CAUSE IT'S ALL TILE. 3:30 IN THE MORNING, I WAKE UP. DIARRHEA EVERYWHERE. 3:30 IN THE MORNING, HAVING TO CLEAN IT UP. - PUPPIES ARE HARDER THAN BABIES. - THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HER. - I REALLY THINK SO. - BRANDI, 1,000%. ANYWAY, LET'S HAVE A BETTER CONVERSATION. THIS IS A VERY GLAMOROUS CONVERSATION. OKAY, LET'S TALK ABOUT MORE INTERESTING THINGS. LET'S TALK ABOUT LISA ON DANCING WITH THE STARS. - DID YOU GUYS WATCH LAST NIGHT? - NO. - I DID. - WHAT HAPPENED? - OH, IT WAS GOOD. I MEAN, IT WASN'T GOOD. SHE GOT ELIMINATED. SORRY. - AW. - NO. BUT I THINK THAT SHE WAS SO EXHAUSTED. I THINK SHE REALLY WANTED TO GO HOME. - I THINK SO TOO. - YEAH SHE WAS JUST LIKE-- - SHE WAS LIKE, "GET ME OUT OF HERE." - SHE WAS LIKE-- - SHE'S LIKE, "WHATEVER." - SHE DID HER LITTLE FAINT AND WAS LIKE-- "OH, I HAVE AN E-TICKET OUT OF HERE." - SHE FAINTED? - I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE FAINT SO PRETTY AND PERFECT. [laughter] IT WAS A PRINCESS FAINT. SHE FELL LIKE THIS. [sighs] - CLEARLY KIM AND I ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE SUSPICIOUS OF LISA'S FAINT, BECAUSE BRANDI DEFINITELY HAS HER OPINIONS ABOUT LISA'S "PERFECT FAINT" TOO. - WAS IT A FAKE FAINT? I WANT TO SEE IT. - WELL, YOU HAVE TO DECIDE FOR YOURSELF. FOR ME LIKE JUST WATCHING IT, I WAS LIKE, "ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN'T JUST WANT TO LEAVE?" AND SHE'S LIKE, "BRANDI, I HURT MY SHOULDER "SO HARD GOING DOWN. "I HAD ALL THE BODY WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDER WHEN I FELL." I'M LIKE, "HE WAS HOLDING YOUR HAND." [laughter] - TO THE VERY END. SHE WAS HOLDING HIS-- THEY LIKE-- [sighs] OH. [laughs] - THIS LOOKS LIKE A-- - IT'S BEAUTIFUL. IT LOOKS VERY GOTH. - IT'S BEAUTIFUL. - IT'S VERY GOTH. I LIKE IT. - MY GOSH. IT'S LIKE A... - LIKE A CHURCH. - BLESSED BE. - CARLTON'S HOUSE IS INCREDIBLE. IT LOOKS LIKE A BABY CASTLE. I FEEL LIKE WE'RE IN A MOVIE SET, LIKE THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK. I'M THE BLOND ONE, MICHELLE. - AND WHAT IS THIS? LIKE A CRYSTAL BALL. - WE'RE AT HARRY POTTER'S HOUSE. [laughter] - AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO JUST WALK IN? - I DON'T KNOW HER WELL ENOUGH YET. - HI, SORRY. all: HI. - HOW ARE YOU? - HELLO. - WE'RE ALL TRYING TO BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE. - NICE TO SEE YOU. - NICE TO SEE YOU, HOW ARE YOU? - HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM MY SISTER, KIM, AND ME. - WOW, THIS IS GORGEOUS. - MWAH. HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD. - THIS IS FOR YOU. - THANK YOU. - IT'S ALCOHOL. - BEAUTIFUL HOUSE. - THIS IS AMAZING. IT'S LIKE A CASTLE. - I LOVE YOUR HOME. - I WAS SAYING IT'S VERY GOTH. IT'S VERY ROCK AND ROLL. I LOVE IT, BEAUTIFUL. - THANK YOU. - HI. - HELLO. - HOW ARE YOU? - I'M GOOD. - HI, MAMI. - MWAH. HOW ARE YOU? - HOW ARE YOU? - GORGEOUS. - HOW ARE YOU? - WHEN I SAW YOLANDA AT MY HOUSE FOR THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE PARTY, IT WAS ABSOLUTELY UNCOMFORTABLE. - HAVE YOU SAID HELLO TO KYLE? - NO, WE JUST WALKED IN. - OKAY. - OH, LORD. - BUT I FEEL LIKE WE ALREADY BROKE THE ICE. AND HOPEFULLY, WE CAN JUST MOVE FORWARD. - DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A DRINK? - YES. OH, MY GOD, THIS IS... - DO YOU WANT TO MOVE IT-- - SO BEAUTIFUL. - I'M NOT WAITING FOR KYLE RICHARDS TO LIKE ME. I HAVE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN THAT. - THANK YOU. - SO WERE YOU RAISED CATHOLIC? NO, I'M JUST WONDERING BECAUSE OF ALL THE CROSSES. CHRISTIAN OR CATHOLIC. - IT IS TAKING A LOT OF ME TO CONTROL MYSELF. [laughs] - I'M SORRY. WHAT WAS THAT? [laughter] - I DON'T EVER MEET PEOPLE FOR THE FIRST TIME AND ASK THEM WHAT THEIR RELIGION IS. I THINK IT'S RUDE AND INAPPROPRIATE. - HELLO? - HI. - [gasps] I CAN SEE THAT YOU DON'T LOVE PINK, BUT... - YOU LOOK [bleep] GORGEOUS. - EVERYTHING WAS ROSES OUTSIDE. - OH, MY GOSH, THANK YOU. - OH, THEY'RE FROM MY GARDEN. SO I THINK I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT SOME DARK BLOOD RED ROSES INSTEAD. I THINK I CALLED IT WRONG. - HELLO, DANCING QUEEN. - HELLO, HI. - HOW ARE YOU? - HI. OH. OKAY. MWAH. MWAH. HELLO. - YOU LOOK GORGEOUS. - HOW ARE YOU? EXHAUSTED FROM DANCING? - YEAH. WHAT'S EVERYBODY DRINKING? IS IT-- - TEQUILA SHOTS. - NO, I'LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA. [overlapping chatter] IS THAT OKAY? - I'M JOKING. WE'RE NOT DRINKING TEQUILA SHOTS. - I'LL HAVE WHATEVER. - OKAY, LET ME SHOW YOU THE DOLLS. - PINKY, YOU MADE IT. - WHY DO DOLLS FREAK ME OUT? - WAIT. - I DON'T KNOW WHY DOLLS-- YOU KNOW, AS A LITTLE GIRL-- - THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL. - NO, THEY'RE GORGEOUS. - THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL. - LOOK AT THIS DRESS. - BUT THEY ALSO LOOK LIKE-- THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL, BUT THEY ALSO LOOK LIKE, AT NIGHT--THAT THEY'LL WAKE UP-- - AND COME AND *** YOU. - YEAH, LIKE COME DOWN THE HALLWAY. - LIKE CHUCKY. ♪ DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN ♪ - IF I WERE TO SHOW ONE OF THOSE DOLLS TO PORTIA, SHE MAY CRY. CREEPY. - OUR SISTER KATHY COLLECTS DOLLS. - DO THEY SCARE YOU TOO? - WELL, SHE JUST DOES LIKE MADAME ALEXANDER, NOT LIKE THESE KIND OF FACES. - THIS ONE IS SO BEAUTIFUL. - I CAN JUST SEE THEM LIKE WALKING THROUGH THE HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHILE EVERYBODY'S SLEEPING, LIKE "OOH, OOH." YOU KNOW, JUST KIND OF-- [gasps]. - I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FAINTED. - THE WHOLE THING WAS REALLY-- - YEAH, A NIGHTMARE. - BUT YOU-- - BUT IT'S DONE. - A BIT OF CONTROVERSY IN THE CAR ON THE WAY OVER ABOUT WHETHER YOU FAINTED FOR REAL OR FOR NOT REAL. - FOR REAL OR NOT REAL? - SHE FAINTED. - [laughs] - FAKING HER FAINTING? - YES, THERE'S JUST A CON-- IT WAS A CONTROVERSY. - WHAT'S THE UPSIDE OF-- - I DON'T KNOW. - THEY THOUGHT SHE FAKED FAINTING? - WHO DID? - YEAH! - OH, MY GOD. - NO, IT WAS JUST THEY-- THEY SAID, "DO YOU THINK IT'S REAL OR NOT REAL?" - OH, GOD. HAVE THEY GOT NOTHING ELSE *** TO TALK ABOUT APART FROM ME? I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE GOT HERE EARLIER. YOU THINK MAYBE YOUR FRIENDS WOULD BE SUPPORTIVE, OR WOULD THAT BE TOO MUCH TO ASK? AND I HOPE THAT BRANDI HASN'T BEEN PART OF IT. WHAT--WHAT, WAS I GOING TO FAKE THE SWOLLEN GLANDS AND FEVER AS WELL? YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I WENT STRAIGHT TO THE DOCTOR. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? - WE WERE ALL JUST JOKING. IT WASN'T A BAD THING. - I'M SURE YOU HAD MY BACK. - [laughs] NO, I DID. I SAID THAT YOU SAID YOU FAINTED. IT WAS REAL. - ALSO I HURT MY ROTATOR CUFF. SO WHAT'S THIS? SO I HEAR YOU GUYS THINK, AFTER ALL THIS TIME YOU'VE KNOWN ME, BRANDI SAID THAT-- - I DIDN'T SAY THEY THINK. I SAID THERE--THERE WAS A CONVERSATION ABOUT THE FAINTING. - I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN IT. I HAVE TO WATCH IT. - I DON'T FAKE ANYTHING. YOU KNOW THAT THE MORE YOU GET TO KNOW ME. - I SAID THAT YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A FAKER, BUT I WANTED TO SEE IT BECAUSE EVERYBODY WAS TALKING ABOUT IT. - I SAID YOU LOOK HONEST. - WHO SAID THAT? WHO JUST SAID THIS? - I SAID THERE WAS A CONVERSATION ON THE WAY-- - YOU SHOULD SHOW IT TO ME RIGHT NOW SO I CAN SEE IT. - I ACTUALLY DON'T WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN, THANK YOU. - NO? - I DIDN'T START THE CONVERSATION. - OH, I THOUGHT YOU DID. OKAY. - I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN IT, SO I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING. - THE LAST THING I NEED IS MORE PROBLEMS WITH LISA. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO PUT THE BLAME ON ME? THANKS, BRANDI. - BRANDI SAID YOU DID FALL BEAUTIFUL, LIKE A SOAP OPERA. - WITH GRACE? - ANYWAY, AT LEAST WE'VE GOT THAT LITTLE ISSUE CLEARED UP, RIGHT? - HEY, LISA. - AND SHE'S IRRITATED. - DON'T BE UPSET. - I FEEL REALLY CRAPPY ABOUT TALKING IN THE LIMO ABOUT LISA FAINTING. IT CAME OUT REALLY KIND OF ***. - COMING UP... - WHEN YOU SPEND SIX WEEKS IN SOMEBODY'S ARMS-- - DO YOU FEEL *** WHEN YOU'RE DANCING WITH HIM, OKAY? [laughter] - YOU WERE HAVING A HARD TIME. AND HE HAD A HARD-ON. [laughter] - CARLTON, WHAT IS THIS? - IT'S A CONFESSIONAL. - A CONFESSIONAL? - ARE--A PRIEST IS IN THERE. - THAT CONFESSIONAL HAS SEEN QUITE A BIT OF ACTION, NOT JUST FROM ME OR DAVID. - COOL. I WANT TO CONFESS. COME. GO, GO. LET'S DO IT. - IT'S A CONFESSIONAL. - OH, MY GOSH. BRANDI, YOU'RE GONNA BE IN THERE AWHILE. - I ACTUALLY DON'T SIN THAT MUCH, BUT WHEN I DO, THEY'RE GOOD ONES. I'M GONNA-- I HAVE TOO MANY SECRETS. [laughter] NO WAY. - I LOVE ALL YOUR MAGIC BALLS. [laughter] - I LOVE THEM. - THERE'S A BALL THEME GOING ON. - WHAT--WHAT DO THE BALLS REPRESENT? - THERE'S A COUPLE OF WORDS FOR THEM. THEY'RE WITCHES' BALLS OR VICTORIAN BALLS. THEY JUST--THEY GRAB NEGATIVE ENERGY, AND THEY TRAP IT. - OH, I LOVE THAT. I OUGHT TO BE CHOCK FULL OF THOSE AT MY HOUSE. [laughter] - WELL, HAVE YOU EVER EXPLORED WITH WITCHCRAFT? - REALLY? KYLE WITH THE BLOODY DUMB QUESTIONS. IT'S BLOODY RUDE. - NO, I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN LIKE FUN WITCHCRAFT. - YOU WANT TO FIND OUT ABOUT ME? GET TO KNOW ME, BUT DON'T TRY AND SHOCK VALUE ME IN FRONT OF PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW. I KNOW HOW THAT [bleep] WORKS. I'VE KNOWN GIRLS LIKE YOU. - I MEAN, I DON'T LIKE MEAN CAST A SPELL OR FLY ON A BROOM. - YES, I AM A WITCH. WICCA, WHICH IS WHAT I PRACTICE, THE WHITE SIDE, WHICH IS MOTHER NATURE, ALL-ENCOMPASSING, IS TRULY ABOUT THE MIRACLES THAT EXIST ON THIS PLANET. - I HAVE A FRIEND WHO IS A JET-- LIKE SHE IS A WITCH. - WHAT DOES A WITCH REALLY MEAN, THOUGH? I PICTURE LIKE A BROOM AND A WART ON THE END OF HER NOSE. - I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN WICCA SINCE SEVEN YEARS OLD. MY GRANDMOTHER WAS PRACTICING. SH - WELL, I BELIEVE IN SPIRITS, BUT DOESN'T MEAN I'M A WITCH. - WELL, MY MO--OUR MOM USED TO SAY SHE WAS A WITCH. MY MOM USED TO SAY SHE WAS A WITCH. - HAVE I PRACTICED DARK? I HAVE PRACTICED DARK. BUT NOW, I PRACTICE LIGHT, AND THAT'S ALL I PRACTICE BECAUSE I HAVE CHILDREN. I WOULD NEVER GO TO THE DARK SIDE. NOT AGAIN. - DIDN'T MOM USED TO ALWAYS SAY THAT? - WHAT? - SHE SAID, "WELL, I'M A WITCH. I KNOW EVERYTHING." - I THINK SHE DID THAT TO LIKE SCARE US. - THERE ARE A COUPLE OF WITCHES IN OUR GROUP, BUT I DON'T THINK CARLTON'S ONE OF THEM. CAN I HAVE A LOOK AROUND, YEAH? - I LOVE THIS FEELING, THOUGH. IT FEELS LIKE A CHURCH FEELING. - YEAH, I WANTED--THE IDEA WAS THAT WE WANTED TO HAVE, KIND OF, THE CHURCH, THE CASTLE, FEEL. SO THEN I MADE IT GOTHIC. KIND OF, THE CHURCH, THE CASTLE, FEEL. THIS IS OUR BOUDOIR. - OKAY, THAT LOOKS LIKE-- - OH, THAT IS HUGE! - UH-OH, THAT SAYS A LOT ABOUT CARLTON. - OH, MY GOD! REALLY? - OH, OH, CARLTON. - HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE IN HERE? - SEXY HEXY. - YOU COULD DO SOME CRAZY THIS ON THAT BED, I'M SURE. I'M GOING TO GET ONE WHEN I'M RICH. - OH, MY GOD. WE COULD ALL SLEEP IN THERE. - YES. - THAT IS HUGE. - YES. [all laugh] DOT YOU FEEL GUILTY HAVING SEX TH A CROSS ABOVE YOUR BED? NONO ALL - I LY WOULD NOT WANT TO HAVE A CROSS HANGING ABOVE MY BED. LIKE SOMEONE'S WATCHING DOWN ON ME. THIS HOUSE MAKES ME WANT TO GET THE OUIJA BOARD OUT. - MAYBE IT IS A LITTLENUSUAL I DOT ACLY LIKE HEADS OTABLE... - RIGHT. - OR ANY OF THAT SILLY [bleep]-- SO-- - SO ONE OF US HAS TO BECAUSE WE'RE AN ODD NUMBER. - PLEASE. - PLEASE, GO AHEAD. - WELL, THEN I FEEL--WELL. I MEAN--STOP. - SHE'S LIKE, "IF YOU ALL INSIST." - I THINK IT'S REALLY POMPOUS FOR ME, IN MY HOME, TO SIT AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE AND HAVE ALL OF MY LITTLE LADIES SIT EITHER SIDE OF THIS TABLE. I DON'T DO THAT. - THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING. WELL, THIS FEELS INCREDIBLY AWKWARD. [laughs] - I'M ASSUMING THAT CARLTON'S GOING TO SIT THERE AND, YOU KNOW, PLAY THE QUEEN ***. BUT SHE KIND OF LEFT IT FOR SOMEBODY ELSE. [all laugh] - THANKS, BABY. - YOU'RE WELCOME. [indistinct chatter] - THERE YOU GO. - THANK YOU SO MUCH. - I SEE ALL THESE PRETTY WOMEN RUNNING AROUND. - THERE ARE HOT GIRLS. - WHO ARE THEY? - THERE'S A LOT OF HOT GIRLS IN THE HOUSE. - WHO'S THE GIRL IN THE BLUE DRESS THAT JUST WENT BY? - OH-- - AND THERE'S ANOTHER GIRL. - ELIZY'S THE BLOND IN THE BLUE DRESS. SHE'S MY NANNY FOR MY SON. - OH. - I BELIEVE IN HAVING A HOT NANNY FOR MY SON. - REALLY? - YEAH. SHE'S FUNNY. SHE HAS, LIKE, SOMETHING THAT MAKES MY TOES CURL. - MY HUMOR MAKES YOUR TOES-- BECAUSE I HAVE TOILET HUMOR. THAT'S WHY. - YES, EXACTLY. - IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE I WAS ON VACATION AND CINDY CRAWFORD WAS IN OUR GROUP AND SHE WAS, LIKE-- SHE HAD THE HOTTEST NANNY. I ASKED HER--I SAID, "WHY DO YOU HAVE SUCH A HOT NANNY? "ARE YOU NOT WORRIED? "LIKE, 'CAUSE I WOULD BE WORRIED WITH MY EX-HUSBAND." AND SHE GOES, "BRANDI, I HAVE TO LOOK AT HER, TOO." - YEAH. - OOH! - SO I WANT HIM TO KNOW BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. - THERE'S NO 200 POUND MINIMUM IN THIS HOUSE? - [bleep] NO. - [laughs] - BON APPETIT, GUYS. I AM SO HUNGRY. I'M GOING TO TAKE A BITE. - ME, TOO. - SO, CARLTON? - YEAH? - I LOVE YOUR HOUSE AND WHAT YOU'VE DONE. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU GUYS TO BUILD THIS HOUSE? - TO BUILD IT? PROBABLY ABOUT THREE YEARS. - AND YOUR HUSBAND'S FROM NEW YORK, RIGHT? - YEAH, DAVID WAS BORN IN BROOKLYN, NEW YORK. - WELL, BACK TO HOW WE MET YOU. HOW DID YOU--CARLTON, WHAT DO YOU GUYS-- - YES. - WHAT IS YOUR ASSOCIATION WITH THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE? - DAVID'S FAMILY, UM, THEIR BUSINESS IS PART OF THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE. - OH, OKAY. - YEAH. - AND WHAT'S YOUR BLOOD TYPE? [all laugh] I'M JUST FOOLING WITH YOU. [cat growl] - BLOOD TYPE. THAT'S FUNNY. - NO, I'M JUST TRYING TO GET, YOU KNOW, TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER. - BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S FUNNY. WHEN I MET YOU... - YEAH? - I FELT YOU HAD, LIKE, AN EDGE TO YOU. I SAID THAT TO YOU. - SHE DID. NOT IN A BAD WAY. - NO, NO, NO, NO. - NO, MEANING-- - SHE SAID THAT SHE LIKED YOU. LIKE YOU'RE-- LIKE A GOOD [bleep]. - NICE. I LIKE THOSE. NOW THIS IS A WORD THAT I REALLY HATE. BUT BRANDI USED IT WITH ME, AND I HONESTLY WAS NOT OFFENDED BY IT AT ALL. - WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? - LIKE A GOOD ONE. LIKE, [bleep] IN A GOOD WAY. - OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, BRANDI. - I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, BECAUSE KYLE SAYS SOMETHING SO LITTLE AS, "WHAT'S YOUR RELIGION?" AND CARLTON TAKES IT PERSONAL. BUT THEN BRANDI CALLS CARLTON A "SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY," AND SHE DOESN'T REACT. I DON'T GET IT. - WHO SAYS THAT? CAN'T YOU THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE? - SHE SAYS. - COME ON. - IT'S BRANDI, BABE. - I KNOW. - LET HER BE. - NO, I LIKE IT. - GOSH! THESE ARE THE MOMENTS I WANT TO TAKE YOU OUTSIDE. - GO BACK TO YOUR SWEET SHUT THE [bleep] UP DAYS. THEY WERE SO MUCH NICER. - YEAH, YOUR INNOCENT-- THOSE INNOCENT DAYS. - REMEMBER WHEN YOU ONLY USED THE F-WORD? THOSE WERE THE DAYS. - BUT YOU KNOW, YOU NEED TO LEARN THAT YOU'RE NOT HER MOTHER. YOU'RE HER GIRLFRIEND. -I KNOW, BUT I'M STILL-- - SO YOU GOTTA LET IT GO. BRANDI IS BRANDI. SHE IS PLAYFUL WITH WORDS. THAT'S WHO SHE IS. YOU CAN'T TAKE IT SERIOUS. - JUST PUT SOME HANDCUFFS ON ME. - I DON'T--NO. KEN CAN DO THAT. - I HANDCUFFS IF WE NEED THEM RIGHT NOW. [laughs] - SHE DID SAY THAT YOU'RE A NICE [bleep], YOU KNOW? I SUPPOSE THAT'S SOMEWHAT OF A COMPLEMENT COMING FROM BRANDI. - SO, LISA, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE WHOLE-- - THE WORD [bleep]? - NO, NOT THAT WORD. - GLEB. - IS IT GLEB OR GELB? - DANCING WITH THE STARS... - GELB. - ARE YOU GLAD IT'S OVER? - IT'S HER BOYFRIEND. - ARE YOU-- - SHE'S MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM. - OH, STOP. - NO, SHE IS. - WHEN YOU SPEND SIX WEEKS IN SOME-- - DO YOU FEEL *** WHEN YOU'RE DANCING WITH HIM? [laughter] LET'S JUST CUT TO THE CHASE, LISA! ENOUGH OF YOUR ENGLISH BEATING AROUND THE BUSH. NO PUN INTENDED. [laughs] - LET ME TELL YOU. - HE TOLD ME HER FAVORITE MOVE WAS TO GRIND ON HIM. - YOU WERE HAVING A HARD TIME AND HE HAD A ***. - [laughs] - [mimics Lisa] SHE WILL TELL YOU THAT THERE IS A SENSE OF LOVE THERE, DARLING. YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER WITH YOUR BODY ON THE OTHER PERSON'S BODY. OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SOME--NOW I WENT, LIKE, BRITISH AND THEN DUTCH AND THEN IRISH. - I WANT A MAN LIKE MY HUSBAND WHO'S GRATEFUL WHEN I TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF. NOT LIKE SOME 29-YEAR-OLD WHO'S LIKE, "OH, I'VE COME TO *** HER BEFORE SHE CROAKS." YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? - OH, [bleep] THAT. NOBODY LOOKS AT YOU AND SAYS THAT. - OH, COME ON. - OH, PLEASE. - WOULD YOU WANT TO GO TO BED WITH SOMEBODY WHO'S 29 YEARS OLD? - YOU? - WOULD YOU? - GO TO BED WITH SOMEBODY WHO'S 29? - YEAH. NO, NOT REALLY. - NO, 'CAUSE I CAN'T EVEN-- I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TAKE THAT. - EXACTLY. - WOULD I GO TO BED WITH YOU? - ME? - I'D BE GRATEFUL... - WHAT, TO GO TO-- [laughs] - IF YOU GOT NAKED. - WELL, YOU-- LISTEN, I'M A HUGE SUPPORTER OF THE GAY COMMUNITY. I THINK EVERYBODY SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT. BUT IT'S NOT UP MY ALLEY. LITERALLY. - I'M JUST SAYING, I'M-- - HE'S 29 YEARS OLD. - I KNOW THAT. - I'M 52. - WELL, MY ***'S 17, SO... - EXACTLY. [all laugh] - I HEARD ABOUT THAT LITTLE SURGERY. - TIGHT AS A TIGER. IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID? [laughs] - BRANDI HAS CORNERED THE MARKET ON INAPPROPRIATENESS. SHE'S BRILLIANT AT IT. - I'M SO TIGHT, IF I DO A NIP-TUCK, HE WOULDN'T FIT. - [laughs] YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT. - BUT HEARING IT FROM JOYCE-- [gags] I MAY HAVE THROWN UP IN MY MOUTH. I'M NOT SURE. - 'CAUSE HE'S SO BIG. - HOW TIGHT YOU ARE AND HOW BIG YOUR MAN IS? WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? MY HUSBAND'S HUNG LIKE A [bleep] DONKEY, BUT I DO NOT GO AROUND TELLING PEOPLE THAT. - HOW 'BOUT THAT CHICKEN? - I'M VERY PROUD OF MY BABY. - HE DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A BABY THOUGH. - SO WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU THAT YOU THINK IS IMPORTANT FOR US TO KNOW? - TELL US YOUR DARKEST SECRET. - I LOVE WOMEN. I THINK THAT WE WOULD RULE THE UNIVERSE IF WE JUST GOT THE [bleep] OUT OF THE WAY OF OURSELVES. IF THERE WASN'T-- - SO TRUE. THE CATTINESS AND THE JEALOUSY AND THE INSECURITY AND-- - IF EVERYONE WOULD STOP [bleep] OUR HUSBANDS. - [laughs] - KYLE, THERE IS THAT--THAT STORY ABOUT MAURICIO CHEATING AND WHATNOT. LIKE, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? - WHY WOULD YOU BRING THAT UP? YOU KNOW THAT IT'S NOT TRUE. YOU KNOW HOW HURTFUL AND PAINFUL IT'S BEEN FOR MY FAMILY AND ME. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT AT A TABLE LIKE THIS, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE? [bleep] YOU. - COMING UP... - A LOT OF TIMES, THESE STORIES COME OUT. - YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE. - EXACTLY. - KYLE, THERE IS THAT STORY ABOUT MAURICIO CHEATING AND WHATNOT. LIKE, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? - COME ON, EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS A LOAD OF CODSWALLOP. - THEY'VE DONE IT TO YOU. - SORRY, THEY'VE DONE IT TO ME-- - THEY'VE DONE IT TO ALL OF US. - IT'S A--REALLY? - NO, BUT I MEAN, IT STILL SUCKS TO HAVE THAT OUT THERE. - IN L.A. EVERYTHING--IT'S A TABLOID [bleep] SOCIETY. YOU KNOW, I REMEMBER WHEN MASON SAW HIS DAD ON THE COVER OF STAR MAGAZINE IN A BATHING SUIT, HUGGING LEANN. SO I JUST WANTED TO GIVE HER A HEADS-UP, BECAUSE IT'S REALLY DIFFICULT TO GET YOUR HEAD AROUND THAT. - YOU JUST HAVE TO IGNORE IT. I REALLY DO. I THINK IF YOU RESPOND TO IT, IT MAKES IT BIGGER. LET IT GO. THAT WOULD BE MY ADVICE. - YOU KNOW, BEING IN THE LIMELIGHT LIKE THAT... - RIGHT. - AND BEING IN THAT POSITION IS TERRIBLE, BUT IT'S--YOU REALLY DON'T BELIEVE-- - IT COMES WITH THE TERRITORY. - IT REALLY IS. - ON THE OTHER HAND, THOUGH, A LOT OF TIMES THESE STORIES COME OUT, AND I'M NOT SAYING, YOU KNOW-- - YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE. - EXACTLY. THERE'S ALWAYS A LITTLE BIT OF TRUTH OF WHAT'S IN THE TABLOIDS. LET'S NOT SAY THAT NONE OF IT IS TRUE. - WELL, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN EDDIE--LIKE, THESE STORIES STARTED COMING OUT ABOUT EDDIE AND CERTAIN SOAP OPERA PEOPLE AND HE WAS LIKE, IT'S JUST NOT TRUE. AND I REALLY BELIEVED THAT IT WASN'T TRUE. - RIGHT. - AND IT JUST SUCKED TO BE ME BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. - MY HUSBAND AND I ARE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER, AND NO TABLOID OR ANY GROUP OF MEAN GIRLS CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM US. ANYBODY WANTS TO BE THAT SICK AND LIE AND BE VICIOUS AND [bleep] WITH US, IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. WE'RE THAT STRONG, SO... I'VE NEVER BROUGHT UP LIES IN TABLOIDS ABOUT THEM. I'VE NEVER DONE THAT. [voice breaking] I'VE HEARD LIES ABOUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. I'VE NEVER SAID THAT. I WOULD NOT DO THAT. - THERE IS A LOT OF LIES... - OKAY. - OUT THERE, BUT THERE'S ALSO A LOT OF TRUTH. - YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE MEAN AND DO THINGS LIKE THAT, THOUGH. YOU WISH IT WERE TRUE. EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW IT ISN'T, YOU WISH. AND [bleep] ALL OF YOU. - NEXT TIME ON THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS. - LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. ANY OF THESE [bleep] GIRLS CAN DO A LIE DETECTOR TEST WITH ME TOMORROW AND NO PROBLEM. - OH, MY GOD. THERE'S NOT--YOU HAVE THE TINIEST WAIST. - NO, IT'S 'CAUSE I'VE GOT BIG *** AND A BIG ***. - WELCOME TO CIRQUE SCHOOL. - THANK YOU SO MUCH. - [groans] - I FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT HANGING IN THE BUTCHER. - BRANDI, COME ON. YOU'VE DONE THAT BEFORE. - YESTERDAY, I'M GETTING CHASED DOWN IN CALABASAS BY THE PAPARAZZI SAYING KYLE RICHARDS IS CALLING ME A BULLY. IT JUST SUCKS TO BE CALLED A BULLY IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN. - ENOUGH OF THIS MEAN, MEAN TALKING AND MEAN--I CAN'T TAKE IT. - WHEN I'M ON MY PERIOD, I'M A TOTAL ***. SO SOMETIMES I GET UPSET. - SO YOU'RE ON YOUR PERIOD NOW? - [laughs] - TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE HOUSEWIVES,