Desperate Housewives S4E1 - English Transcript

Previously on Desperate Housewives. Susan and Mike finally tied the knot. Lynette got some disturbing news. Where the hell do you get off having cancer and not telling me about it? Mom. Bree returned from her trip. Holy crap! - With a surprise. - There you go. Gaby married Victor. Gaby is the smartest thing you've ever done. With her bringing in the latino vote, the governor's mansion's as good as yours. While Carlos. why are you so reluctant to make a commitment to me? Ended it with Edie. I am done with you. But the search for true happiness led to events that were unexpected and distinctly desperate. Season 4 Episode 01 Now You Know The first thing you should know is that Edie Britt never actually intended to die, but someone she loved was trying to leave her. So she planned every detail, from the silk scarf she'd hang by to the suicide note detailing her despair. Now all Edie had to do. was wait. For her beloved to come home. Hey, Edie! I'm here to get my stuff. You see,to hold on to her man, Edie knew she'd have to find the perfect moment to let go. Hey,Carlos! Sadly for Edie. Can I talk to you? Her timing was fatally flawed. Mrs. McCluskey? I need to show you something. Come here. What's this? Those are trash cans. I know they're trash cans,smart-***. I'm asking what they're doing out on a saturday night when the trash got picked up on thursday. Fine. I will take them in. Happy now? Carlos. what the hell is that? And this is how Carlos Solis arrived just in the nick of time to save the life of Edie Britt. Baby. What did you do? Come on,you gotta wake up. Come on,please? Of course, had he known what she was about to do to his life. he would've let her hang there. There is a certain time of night, after children have been put to bed and husbands have begun snoring, that women lie awake and think of the secrets they've been keeping from their friends. It might be an impromptu wedding. or a recently diagnosed tumor. or a make-believe pregnancy. Regardless, it's all they will think of. until something comes along to remind them that other people have secrets,too. Carlos. - How is she? - What did the doctors say? They've got Edie on a ventilator, but she's gonna be okay. What the hell happened? How could she pull a stunt like this? She left a note which pretty much blames me. Sweetie. I can't believe this is happening. It's like mary alice all over again. Yes, but the good news is she's gonna live. I know it's her wedding night, but do you think we should call Gaby? Crap. Gaby? You know,this better be one hell of a wedding night, considering how long you're taking in there. Trust me,Victor. This will be a night you'll never forget. - Let's get out of here. - What? I'm serious. You,me- just screw it all. Let's run away together. I just got married. There are 200 people out there waiting for me to lead a conga line. You just said you don't feel like Victor really loves you, and you know I do. I've never stopped. I can't dump him on our wedding day. That's a horrible thing to do, even to Victor. He'll get over it,but I've never gotten over losing you, and I won't let it happen again! Gaby,you in here? I was just counting gifts. That's fine. I was actually looking for that publicist guy. You haven't seen him,have you? I'll give you a holler when I need you. Come on! Who doesn't wear underwear on their wedding day? Focus, you idiot! Come on. When are we leaving? so we're doing this? Great. It'll take me a few hours to get stuff together. I'm gonna pick you up tonight. Just be packed and ready to go. Wait! Aren't you gonna kiss the bride? Finally! Carlos, where the hell are you? I'm at the hospital. Edie tried to kill herself tonight. My God! Is she okay? I found her just in time,but obviously, I can't come pick you up tonight. Okay,that's all right. I'll just take a cab and meet you. Gaby, I can't leave Edie now. Look,maybe in a couple weeks. In a few weeks? What? No! It has to be tonight! Victor's in the bedroom right now waiting to consummate. And Edie's on a ventilator. Look,you don't have to stay with Victor. You have a house. Okay,you know,running away with you on my wedding night was crazy enough. But running away to be alone is insane! Gaby, please, she needs me. Can't you just wait? No! I would rather try and work it out with Victor. Gaby,are you coming to bed? One month later. Happy 1 month anniversary. I didn't know we were doing this. We've just been so happy the last four weeks, I thought we should celebrate. you are happy,right? I've never been happier. That's sweet. I don't believe you. I watch you sometimes, and you seem very. disconnected, like something's missing. Nothing is missing. So our life together is exactly how you pictured it? You've gotten everything you wanted? Pretty much. "Pretty much" means there is something that you want that you don't have. How can I give it to you if you don't tell me what it is? Susan,I swear,I am ecstatically, beyond my wildest dreams, lip-smackingly happy. You got it? This marriage is doomed. A moving van just pulled up. Andrew,I'm having problems with my strap. Could you help me? Look,I told you three weeks ago I was no longer participating in your little hoax, and that includes strapping you in. For heaven's sakes. Orson, could you come help me,please? I'll remember this the next time you want money for leather pants. People are gonna find out,all right? And then we're gonna all look like idiots. Well,not if we're careful. This isn't the 50's,okay? Teenage girls get pregnant all the time. I mean,my ex-lab partner's practically a grandmother. Look,this family's reputation is already hanging by a thread. I mean, first people thought that your stepfather was a wife killer, then your sister takes up with her history teacher, and now we're supposed to parade a little *** up and down the street. We might as well sit on the porch and play banjos. You know,there's a moving van next door. Mom,are you awake? Okay,honey. Just give me a minute. Give me a minute. My wig is gone. Where is it? It's on the nightstand. No,I'm looking at the nightstand, and all I see are a few stray hairs and this sports blooper dvd you thought would cheer me up. - Peyton Manning is funny. - Mom! Hey,I'm coming! Don't just sit there like a lump! Come on! Help me look! God. Honey, this is one of those moments when it occurs to me that wouldn't it be easier if we just told everyone that you have cancer? - I found it. - Look,I mean, I get not wanting to scare the kids, but to keep all of our friends in the dark. look,I can deal with the chemo. I can deal with people telling me my hair has never looked better. But what I cannot deal with is the pity,so we are doing it my way. You were crooked. hey,sweetie,what's up? There's a moving van across the street. So you want it listed right away? And don't worry about getting top dollar. I want this place priced to move. What's going on here? I'm meeting with our realtor. Gaby,you remember Gil. I remember telling you I wasn't ready to sell the house yet. Gil,could you give us a minute,please? Gaby,we agreed that after we got married,you would sell the house. I still have a lot of stuff here. Well,my house is over I'm pretty sure there are closets. I'm just not in a rush to unload this house,okay? This was my home. I was very happy here. But we've got a new home now. Aren't you happy there? Yeah,it's a great house. Well,good. Then sell this place. What are you waiting for? I'm not waiting for anything. Look,a moving van. New neighbors. What do we know? Well, dining chairs. There's a clue. Yes. It proves they eat sitting down. No,I mean they're stickley. - It means they have taste. - And money. They've been remodeling for weeks. I wish Edie were here. Without her,there's no one to give us the dish. Yet another illustration of the fundamental selfishness of suicide. Do you think this is them? My God. Katherine. Katherine! Susan! I cannot believe it has been 12 years. You haven't changed a bit. Well,you clearly have. Your eyes sight's going. How's your aunt? Katherine used to live here with mrs. Sims. Not very well,I'm afraid. That's really the reason why we moved back. I didn't want poor aunt lily to spend her final days in a nursing home. - That is so kind of you. - Yeah,it is. And as luck would have it, my husband found a job here. Adam,could you wave or something? Hello,ladies. I look forward to meeting you when I'm a little less sweaty. He's a cutie. What does he do? He's a doctor. Don't take this personally, but we hate you. Mom? I finished unpacking my room. Do you need any help? My God. This is not little Dylan. I'm Susan,Julie's mom. She is gonna be so excited to see you. Great. Who's Julie again? Honey,you remember your best friend when you were little. Right. Why don't you go help your stepfather with the last few boxes? It's nice meetg you all. What a beautiful family. I feel so lucky to have you for a neighbor. No,I am the lucky one. Look at my view. Your garden is absolutely breathtaking. And that pine tree in the backyard. it's my pride and joy. It absolutely kills me to have to ask you to cut it down. Excuse me? I'm sorry,but I'm not gonna be able to grow my prize winning vegetables with that tree blocking all the sunlight. Well, I'm sorry about your vegetables, but that pine shields my view of the purcells' backyard, and if you had ever seen mr. Purcell sunbathe, you'd know exactly what that tree means to me. I don't want to quarrel. We will not touch that tree until we have come up with a solution to our problem. Curtains,perhaps. So you're back. How fun. I should have a brunch so that everyone can get to know you. No need. I'm having a barbecue this saturday. I'm inviting the whole neighborhood. - You don't need to do that. - I insist. I have missed Wisteria lane so much, and I wanna do something special for my dear,old friends. and all you lovely newcomers. The nice thing about this fake pregnancy is my feet don't swell. I mean,I'd never be able to squeeze into these sling-backs if I really was 8/12 months pregnant. Don't you look radiant! Hello, mrs. McKeever. I heard that you were expecting, but I had no idea how far along you were. May I? There's no need. The baby's just not kicking right now. Sometimes,if you give them a little jiggle, you can get them to move. She doesn't really wanna be jiggled right now. She's very sensitive down there. But I'll be gentle. You know,in my day, mothers thought that it was good luck. Perhaps I need to make my point a little more clearly. Bree,you're hurting me! Is there a problem here? No,not at all! I'm just saying hello to a very dear friend of mine. Are you gonna back off now? Car's here,dear. Lovely to see you, mrs. McKeever. Why must old ladies always do that? I don't know,but you've got to stop roughing them up. I'm sorry,Susan. Dr. Gorenberg just had a patient go into labor. His new partner is covering for him, if you're comfortable with that. Sure. I'm just here for a checkup. Doctor? Thank you. I'm Dr. Mayfair. I'm gonna Hold it. Have we met? Yes. Yesterday. - Your new neighbor. - Right. I didn't know you were, this kind of doctor. I sure am. Listen Maybe this isn't- Feet up, please. And scootch down. It's just that it's weird, you know, considering you're. where'd you go? And relax. Sorry. And relax. Sorry. And relax. Sorry. Hey, not to change the subject, but when is Dr. Gorenberg coming back? Almost done. you know, Katherine has talked about you for years. It's nice to finally put a face to the name. Muriel. How are you doing? What's up? You look good. Don't try to sweet-talk me, Lynette Scavo. I am fit to be tied. Did you or did you not volunteer to run the fund-raising gala? Yeah. Things have been a little weird lately- don't even think of wriggling out of this,Lynette. Every other third grade mom has chaired an event. It is your turn. Okay. I'll jump right on it. Great. Okay. See. That's where someone with half a brain would have played the cancer card. - I can handle it. - Like hell. You've been nauseous all day from the chemo. - You shouldn't even be here! - It's my life. Some stupid disease is not gonna keep me from living it. Besides,Parker's expecting to see me. There. He saw you. We'll duck out when the lights go down. He's gonna be watching for me all day. He's one of the leads. He's Friar Tuck. It's a thankless role. Well, everything seems normal. But you say you've been having irregular periods. You know,one month off, two months on. That happens,right? Ever experience night sweats? Sometimes. But Mike's a big spooner. He's like sleeping with a hibachi. How about hot flashes? I'm gonna stop you right there. I am way too young for that. Please refer to your chart. I know for a lot of women the word "Menopause" has negative connotations. They hear "aging", "brittle bones", "loss of *** desire". Okay,before we go any further, can I check those diplomas? 'Cause I would just like to make sure that they're not from some med school in the Philippines. Look,there's a simple blood test we can use to find out. I don't need any test! I am not old enough for menopause. Now I don't know what kind of nonsense they taught you at Harvard medical school, class of My God! I am old! Just give me the damn test. We will live in these woods till our work is done. If the sheriff comes,we will drive him away with our bows and arrows. You okay? I'm feeling a little. - God save all ye merry men! - I'm fine. Pray that I may join your man- band of merry men. I am more than just a jolly Friar, for I can have both a sword and an arrow! We must support Robin Hood. oh,I'm gonna be sick! Right there with you,lady. All hail Robin Hood! - Okay, let's go. - No! It's too late! Bravo! I'm sorry. I'll get you a new purse. Fine,but that wasn't my purse. Hello. You have everything you need? You just let me know. Hi!Good to see you! Oh,you look great! Mrs. Mccluskey. Hello. How are you? Do you remember me? You're bess truman,right? Of course I remember you. If that's your way of checking if my brain's gone all tapioca,I'm fine. Sorry. So I saw your kid and your new husband. Nice catch. Oh. Well,thank you. I'm very eager for him to experience life on Wisteria lane. The times that Dylan and I spent here were the happiest of our lives. Yeah? Then why'd you take off so suddenly? You skipped town without even saying good-Bye. My,you do remember a lot,don't you? Excuse me. Really must mingle. I think these eggs are past their prime. So you just shun them and throw them away. Well,yeah,since mayonnaise left out in the sun can kill ya. Everything okay? You seem kinda moody today. Yeah,get used to it. Okay,did I do something wrong? No. I'm sorry. I'm just a little. You know what? Forget it. Let's eat. Yoo-Hoo,Susan! We saved you a place! Come on! We want you over here. Come on. Oh,my God! Dylan! Hi. It's me. Julie. Julie's the one we were talking about. - Hi,honey! - Hi! She was your best friend. Yeah,and I-I brought you a little wcome back gift. Your favorite. Oh,my goodness. You remember how much you used to love licorice? I did? Okay. Come on. I've got some of the old gang I want you to meet. Have fun! Menopause? Aren't you a little young for that? I know. And you thought you married a vibrant woman in her prime,and instead,you got a wife who's. Dry and dusty. Oh,honey. No,it's-It's a natural part of life. Yeah,the part before death. Oh! Look,I know that it's upsetting,but it's really not that big a deal. Yes,it is! What if you wanna have kids? We agreed that we didn't. No,you said you did. I said I didn't,then you changed your mind. What if you change it back? That's not gonna happen. Listen,my last egg could be on its way down the chute at this very moment. If you wanna have kids,you might wanna jump on it right now. All righ this is all very romantic,but let me be clear about this,okay? I love you,and if kids don't happen,I'm fine with that. I don't want you to be fine. I want you to be happy. All right,I'm just trying to find a nice way to shut you up,so. Yep,we're doomed. Hey. Hey,look who's back. Oh,my gosh. She's out of the clinic. Thanks,darling. - Hi! - Hi! How are you? - Oh,careful-The neck. - Oh,sorry. Thank you all so much for the cards. Sometimes it takes a near tragedy to realize just how much you're loved. So why don't you talk to your friends,and I'll go unpack the car? Oh,thanks,sweetheart. I have to admit that I was. A little concerned about how you'd react when you saw me. But this. Throwing me a party? Well. We just all love ya. And,Edie,you look great. Especially. You know,given the circumstances. You mean that I tried to hang myself. It's okay. The doctor encouraged me to talk about it. Surely not over food. Well,Carlos and I talk about it all the time. You know,and this whole thing has just brought us closer together. We've actually talked about marriage. Hello. I don't think we've met. I'm Katherine Mayfair,your new neighbor. Oh,Edie. It's a pleasure to meet you. Welcome to my party. So I hear congratulations are in order. Edie just announced you're getting married. Best wishes! We're not engaged. That was just a kind of a what if conversation. Really? Because she thinks you're getting married. Everyone else thinks you're getting married. So,again,best wishes. Gaby,the woman tried to kill herself because I left her. She's not real good with disappointment. Neither am I! You told me you wanna run away together,and then I don't hear from you for a month! That was only because I was going through stuff with Edie, But it doesn't mean that I wasn't thinking about you constantly. You were not. Yes,I was. Every second of every day. Yeah,well,I. Kind of thought about you,too. - I need to be with you,Gaby. - Yeah? Prove it. Can you get away tonight? Oh,my God,are you serious? Damn right I am. I just have to be back by midnight to give Edie her pills. What? If we're gonna have an affair,we've gotta be discreet. Affair? I thought we were talking about runng away together. I can't do that. Edie's too fragile right now. That old battle-Ax is gonna outlive us all! Hey,don't talk about her like that. Oh,far be it for me to speak ill of the future mrs. Carlos solis. We are not getting married! Best wishes! No. Absolutely not. That's my final answer. Well,talk to you later. That was danielle. Now she wants us to send a dvd player for her room. Well,that hardly seems extravagant. You're missing the point! It's a convent,not the four seasons. You have mustard on your chin. I mean,it's one thing to forgive bad behavior. It's another thing to reward it. There are consequences for her mistakes. Bree! Oh,my God! Are you all right? Oh! No,no,I'm fine!I'm fine! - You're bleeding! - No,no,no! It's just,uh-Oh,it's a little barbecue sauce. Where is Katherine's husband? - He's a doctor. - She's fine. Adam! Adam! Get over here right now! Bree got stabbed in the belly! Oh,my God,are you all right? Let me take a look. No,it's nothing! Ah,uh,we were just teasing Ida. - It's something we do. - Yes. Look,it's a. Trick ba-Barbecue fork. We got it at a magic shop. Uh,see? Retractable! Oh,my baby! That's quite a trick. Hey,let's go freak out mrs. Mccluskey. He's such a scamp. Psycho mom at 5:00. You say the word,she gets a face full of pig bones. Aw,my hero. I can handle her. Lynette. I just spoke with helen,and imagine my surprise when she told me That you'd not started on the decorations for the gala. I'm in charge of decorations? Yes,which you would've known had you bothered to pick up the packet. I don't want to hear it. Okay. Piggyback,mommy. I'm sorry,sweetie. I'm just- I'm just too tired right now. Here,honey,I'll get ya. Yes! Mommy has to conserve her energy for more important things. We are not throwing in the towel over a minor mishap. How many more mishaps are we gonna get away with? Yesterday,it was an old woman in the macy's shoe department. Today,a magic fork in the belly. Pretty soon,this whole charade will completely unravel,and we will be humiliated. We're already in too deep. We could go on a trip,tell people you miscarried while we were away. And then what would happen to the baby? Well,danielle would keep it. You think danielle could raise this child? Orson,you've seen her in action. She's-She's shallow,and she's-She's selfish! She would ruin this child's life! How can you say that? Because I'm her mother. And I know what I've created,and that's the real humiliation. Orson. Is child deserves better. And I know what to do now. Please. Please let me try. So. Really,what you want is a second chance? Well,would that be so horrible? Well,then. Let the charade continue. - So you're bailing on me now? - I know. - The timing is terrible. - Damn right! It's three weeks before the gala. I just didn't realize how tired I would be when I took this on. Oh,we're all tired,Lynette. But some of us still manage to honor our commitments. Okay,I'm gonna be honest with you. - I haven't been feeling that great lately. - Oh,don't whine to me about your aches and pains. I've had the sammigraine since '87. And my knee's so bad,I can't even use the treadmill anymore. Yeah. That's rough. By the way. I have cancer. I'll give helen a call. So I am halfway through chemo,and my doctor is very confident That I'm going to beat this,so you can all relax. I'm not going to die. Well,not unless we kill you. Damn it,Lynette. What did we say after mary alice. After Edie? Why didn't they tell us? We're your friends. Why would you shut us out? I just liked being able to throw on my wig and join you guys for a cup of coffee And a good gossip about the new neighbors. You know,for five minutes,I could pretend I wasn't a sick person. But once your friends know you're sick,you can't pretend anymore 'Cause you can see it in their eyes- The fear,the pity. Is that all you see in our eyes? No. No,of course not. You know what? Let's make a pact. No more secrets. From now on,we tell each other every shocking detail of our lives. - I'm in. - Me,too. You with us? Absolutely. No more secrets. You're right. I'm not happy. Let's talk. All I'm saying is I just wanna know that I come first with you. Sometimes I feel less like your wife than a possession. It's demeaning. It's-It's. Why are you smiling right now? Because this is fantastic. After weeks of shutting me out,you're finally telling me how you feel. We should do this all the time. Well,it's hard when you're so busy. Maybe we should go away and just take a couple weeksr a month. Let's rediscover wt it was that made us fall in love to begin with. That is a great idea. Let's do it. How's next week? Let's see here. Well,I've got the meeting with the school board on tuesday. And the end of the month,I've got that conference in washington-Oh,shoot. I've got the groundbreaking for the new civic center. Dad's birthday. Economic development forum. How about april? I can give you two whole weeks in april. I'll see you later,babe. Where you going? To Scavo's for a few beers. Can I come? - No. - Why not? Edie,I know you've been through a lot lately,but I can't hold your hand 24 hours a day. If you want this relationship to work,you gotta give me some downtime. Okay,so I managed to get away from Edie. What do you want? To get you away from Edie. Oh,come on. You have to remember your boyfriend joey miller. You used to chase him around the jungle gym. Really? You'd think I would've gone for this guy with the sexy finger up his nose. So you don't remember any of the kids we used to play with? No. To be honest,I don't remember anything about living here. Really? So. What is your earliest memory? I don't know if this is a memory,but. For years,I've had this creepy dream. I'm really little, And there's a guy in my room,and he tries to grab me. That is creepy. Have-Have you ever. Talked to somebody about it? You mean like a therapist? My old babysitter suggested that,but my mom got mad and said no. - Really? - Yeah. Then she fired the babysitter. - Susan? - I'm in here. Uh,your front door was open. No problem. Um,what's up? First,let me just say this is one of the more embarrassing moments of my career, And you have every right to hate me. Adam,I have no idea what you're talking about. Well,your test results came back,and your estrogen levels are fine. You're not about to start menopause. Really? That's fantastic! - There's more. - More? You're pregnant. What? Wh-What did he just say? I'm pregnant? He said I'm pregnant. I have never been happier. Well,now I believe you. There you are. I'm sorry. I got in late last night. I didn't want to wake you. You don't have to explain. I trust you. Well,good. Yoshould. I just wish you trusted me a bit more. What are you talking about? Why didn't you ever tell me about your offshore bank account? What? Well,you know,the one in the cayman islands with $10 million in it. I miss you when you're gone. Going through your things makes me feel like you're with me. Okay,um,I know how this looks. What did you think I was gonna do? Tell people? Turn you in? Try to get my little hands on it? I don't care about money,Carlos. All I care about is you. That's why this relationship is going to work. You can trust me with your secrets, Just like I can trust you not to hurt me. There is a certain time of morning. It occurs after kids have left for school And husbands have headed off for work. It's a time when women think of the secrets they've been keeping from their friends. And how shocked they would be if the truth was discovered. And how they'll do everything in their power to keep that from happening. But what of those lucky women who have no secrets left to keep? What do they think about every morning? Hey! Is something wrong? It's just. Dylan and I used to be best friends. I mean,we did everything together. I know. She was like a sister to you. Well. That girl that I've been hanging out with. And I know this is gonna sound crazy,but. That's not the same girl. These women spend their mornings thinking of their neighbors And the secrets. They may be keeping. There you are. I've been calling you. - Is this the room? - Yes. Dylan's been asking me if she can move in here. So let her. You may remember what happened here,but she can't. Doesn't matter. - I won't allow it - Hey,you okay? Did we make a mistak coming back here? Did we have a choice?