Father's Day Jokes

Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where's popcorn? Q: What do you call your dad when he falls through the ice? A: a POPsicle! Q: How do fathers exercise on the beach? A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. Q: How do you know your dad is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Q: How do you scare a divorced dad? A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! Q: Why don't some fathers have a mid-life crisis? A: They're stuck in adolescence. Q: Why are Fathers like parking spaces? A: The good ones are already taken! Q: What is the definition of Mass Confusion? A: Fathers Day in the ghetto. Q: What do toys and *** have in common? A: Both are made for children but it's the fathers who play with them most. Father: Let me see your report card. Son: I don’t have it. Father: Why not? Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don’t know son, I’m still paying." Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached? Student: When my father sees my report card! Mom: Why are you home so early? Dad: My boss told me to go to hell. Dad: "Hey babe, you smell that?" Mom: "No." Dad: "Me neither, start cooking." Dad, you’re someone to look up to no matter how tall I’ve grown. My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me. Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough. Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow. Well, an iPad would be nice for Father's Day, but I'd settle for 20 minutes of damn silence. Magician Jake: What does your father do for a living? Matt: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half. Jake: Do you have any brothers or sisters? Matt: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother. Bugs "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" asked the boy. "Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son," his father replied. After dinner the father inquired, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy said. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone." Texas Baby A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just gave birth to their first child "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 24 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of "Wow!" Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "18 pounds." The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 24 pounds at birth." The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised." Dear Dad An old father living alone in the country wanted to plant his pepper garden, but the ground was too hard and he was too old to do the work. His only son who use to help him was in prison for robbing a bank. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation: "Dear Jake, I’ve been very depressed lately because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my peppers this year. You know how much your mother loved planting peppers this time of year, but I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would have been over. I know you would have been happy to dig the plot for me." Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son: "Dear Dad, Don’t dig up that garden! That’s where I buried the THINGS!" Love, Jake At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area looking for the THINGS. They apologized to the old man after not finding anything and left. The next day the old man received another letter from his son. "Dear Dad, Happy Fathers Day! Go ahead and plant your peppers now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances." Love, Jake Fathead A son and his dad walk into a bar and the dads says to the son. "What do you want fathead?" The son stumbles on his words and the father again says, "What do you want fathead?" A lady close by says, "why do you keep calling your son fat head". And he replies, "Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man. Number one you got to have a big truck, see my truck over There? Biggest truck in the county. Second. You got to have a big house. See that house down up the street? That's mine, the house biggest house in the county. And thirdly you have to have a tight ***, and I had one till this fathead came along.