Mark Gungor How does he or she do that

Mark Gungor How to Stay Married and Not Kill Anybody 2/2 It is our differences that attract us to each other. And than they drive us crazy! In a lot of the struggle that happens in relationships is fundamentally trying to get you to be like me: "Why can't you be like me?" "Why can't you be more like me?" "Why can't you think and act and respond like me?!" Because, he ain't you. That's why, alright?! And we start really fighting fundamentally who they are. It is the craziest thing. It's somethin' wrong with all of us. I don't know what it is but we feel that difference and we go... "There's something special about that person!" Yeah, you know what it is?! They're the exact opposite of you! You finally found someone who's just flip-side of the coin. "Oh, yes, yes, yes" And that sense of completeness. Because, together guys you make a good person, alright?! But... Because, we all are a little unbalanced we need that other person to balance us out. But then we get married. Oh, man! It just starts driving us crazy! Now, what I've discovered is: The most couples don't understand what those differences are. They know there's something there, but they don't really get it. And we start fighting against fundamentally what the other person loves the most about life. Because, what they love the most about life is usually not what we love the most about life. And couples have a real hard time expressing these feelings and these emotions and finding a way of clarifying just exactly who they are on the inside. And we've developed a program that helps couples to do this. This is called "The Flag Page". And it was written by a good friend of mine - Larry Bilotta, a brilliant man, who discovered the key to helping people succeed is showing them what's right about them. Not what's wrong with them. So much of our efforts to help people starts with a premise: "Let's find out what's wrong with you!" A lot of couple's counseling is: "Let's focus on what's wrong with you!" Now, I don't know of how many are aware of this and if you are a counselor or something here, and you have a different result don't get mad at me or throw anything, but the truth of the matter is, the most people are not aware of it but most counseling fails miserably. By and large they have an 80%+ failure rate. Can you imagine going to a doctor where 80% of the people came out dead!? That's contemporary marriage counseling! Marriage therapy! And I tell you what?! Churches, pastoral counseling, marriage counseling isn't much better! Some of them is equally as bad. That's why a lot of pastors hate doing' it. As soon as their church gets big enough they hire somebody else to do it. Because it sucks the life out of them and it is frustrating. And they are not succeeding. And they want to give up on the deal. One of the reasons why they struggle and fail so much is because the premise is wrong: They start focusing on what's wrong with you. You know, they bring in a couple and say: "What's wrong?" "Why is that wrong?" "Don't you think is wrong to do what's wrong?" It's like trying to lose weight by thinking about food all day long. We have discovered if you get people to discover what's right about them, they come alive. It changes the dynamic. And while so many people have an 80% failure rate, using this approach we have discovered an 88% success rate with couples. No one was more shocked than I. 'Cause I was like a lot of other ministers. You know ministers. We do marriage counseling by default. You know, they come to their minister and they want help and... OK. We are like one class on that kind of thing. We typically just beat you over the head with the Bible, you know. And you hope you're changed. So I failed just like everybody else. And when we started to use this approach that turnaround in couples lives, wow! This is absolutely amazing! And we continued to fine tune and develop this program. And we used it with couples all across America, all of the world, actually, to help them discover what's right about them. We call the program: "The Flag Page". And this program is a very unique program. I don't know how many of you have ever taken a personality test or anything like that. They ask 250 questions. I hate those things as much as you do. But that's not what this is. This is not a personality test. We don't care about your personality! Twisted as though it may be. OK?! This program focuses on one thing and that is: "What do you love about life?" "What is important to you?" That's it. We try to measure passion, alright?! Now, it's a test that you do online. You go on a computer - you go online. You enter a code. You know you have to purchase this little code. You enter the code and you can go and do the program. The program consists very simply of three steps. It's so simple. When I first took it I thought this is stupid. It can't possibly be accurate! And I was blown away by the results. But the three steps are very simple: No.1: It gives you a list of words and you simply click all the words you believe describe you. This is not what you wish you were! Alright? 'Cause a lot of you girls: "I wish a was that, I wish I was that, I wish I was..." You know, you'll just look like somebody else. It's all it is. OK? You look like what you wish. We don't care about it! Don't think in those terms! This isn't what you wish you were, this isn't what your mama told you have to be, OK?! This is "Yes" that describes me. "Yes" or "No"?! Pick the ones. You click a button. You go to a step 2: You rate on a scale from 1 to 10 how specific words make you feel. You know: 10 = makes me feel great. 1 = not so good, 5 = in a middle, whatever... Then you get step 3: Where you prioritize those... the ones that are the most important to you. You push the button and then in seconds you get this printout. We call it: "The Flag Page". On this program, it will show you why you act the way you act, why you react the way you react. Where you're most likely to succeed in life. And most importantly, the five things you love the most about life. Let me explain very briefly, just the top portion of it. That's the most powerful part of it. And we can start with this area in the corner here that shows these pictures. First thing that this thing does is breaks you into 4 temperament categories. Control, Fun , Perfect, Peace We call them countries. Fun country, Control country, Perfect country, Peace country. Why? 'Cause it's like coming from different countries. Different countries have different traditions. Different countries have different ways of looking at things. I used to use the analogy like someone from China trying to relate to someone from Yugoslavia. But we discovered a really better example is like someone from the United States trying to relate with someone from England or from Australia or from South Africa. Why? Because we all speak English. We assume there's a general assumption: We understand each other. But if you've ever been in these countries you can find out in hurry different words mean different things. And you can insult people very very quickly. We were in England some years ago and I met this young couple and they had this little boy about 2 years old ...running around. And I love kids. And I'm goofin' around this little kid. At some point I said: "Come on, you little ***." And I 'm reaching to grab 'em. All of sudden, the parents grab his hand and just stormed out of the room. I was stunned! I looked to the guy next day myself: "So what happened?!" He said: "Well, over here a *** is a homosexual!" But, that's not what I meant, OK?! And when I told the couple I apologize, you know I'm sorry, that's not what I meant. That's not what it means where I come from, in Wisconsin, alright?! You know what? They didn't care! They stayed offended! They stayed upset! "'Cause you don't do that in our country!" I don't know how many of you follow little political things, but when the first president Bush went over to Australia, he was in a motorcade and he was waving at the crowd. And he was using some hand-gesture. I don't remember what it was, but over there it's equivalent of flipping everybody off. It's like going to a guy: "Hey, how you're doin'! Good to see you!" All of people got upset and offended. Of course, he had to apologize later, because over there that's what that means, but not where we come from! And it's like that from these emotional countries. We have our way of viewing things. We have words that mean certain things. We are motivated by different things than people from other countries. Inevitably people seem to marry people from completely opposite countries. Not always, but a lot of the times it is very very funny to watch. Now, let me give you a quick break-down on these 4 countries. First of all we have the square black and white country of "Control". These are the people who just wanna "Get it done!" "Get it done!" Just "Get it done!". Their favorite vehicle is the bulldozer. They hop on that bulldozer and plow everybody over to get something accomplished. They are focused on what they are doing, not who they're killing while they're doing it. Because, their greatest desire in life is they wanna appreciation for what they do. They wanna appreciation for it! "Appreciate me!" I told you last night how men like to be appreciated. Men like this really wanna be appreciated. But there's women like this too, they just wanna appreciation for what they do. These people generally, depending on how passionate they are about it, they are so strong about it, the last thing in a world you wanna do is appreciate them. In fact, we'll say things like "Dear God, don't appreciate him!". We all, the rest of us form other countries, feel it's our God-given responsibility to deny them what they want the most. And we wonder why people get upset! We wonder why they feel depressed! We wonder why people struggle in life! Why?! Because, what they desire the most is being forbidden to them by everybody closest to them in their lives. You're not helping your spouse by denying what they want. It may seem odd to you, because you don't want it. I mean, to all of us, you know, that's weird. Every country, each has something that to the rest of us seems weird. But to them - it's breath and life to them. These people want to be appreciated. They like words like "Grasp", "Control", "Get it done!", "Appreciate", "Accomplish", "Achieve" That the world where they came from. The next one we have the star-shaped country of "Fun". Guess where I come from?! These are the people, they just wanna have fun. You know, we love it! And our favorite vehicle is the jet plane. High speed - no limits. Of course, we are famous for smashing into walls and not see where we're going. And of course we think it's hilarious! You know, no risk to take off again! It's not so funny to your spouse. Who's tired to see you smashing the walls all the time. But we don't care! Our greatest desire is: "Look at me!", "Look at me!", "Look at me!" We love to be noticed! Fun people love to be noticed. Their favorite environment is being noticed in a crowd of people. Just: "Look at me!", "Look at me!", "Look at me!". "Fun" people, that's why they'll share horribly embarrassing situations that you would never share! It's true. Why can they do that?! Just "Look at me!". We don't care! "Look at me!" I was in Ohio and I got on one of these shuttle buses from the airport. And this lady hops on the bus and she's just loud. "Fun" people are loud. "Loud!", "Loud!", "Loud!" Why? "Look at me!" And she's just talkin'. The lady is hilarious! She's got us all laughing on the bus. It knew right away what country she came from! She just come back from Rhode Island, which is just about a size of a postage stamp, and describing how it took her 9 hours to get from the airport to her hotel! Now it only takes 20 seconds to drive across Rhode Island, but it took her 9 hours! And she's describing how they kept going in circles and stuff like that. And she thought it was hilarious! It's embarrassing thing! And then she says: "I then we found hotel. And it was so neat, because when we looked outside it had the biggest fullest moon we ever saw." "It was so beautiful..." And she's describing it in detail and she's gonna pulling us all in. She says: "But the most amazing thing about it is it never moved all night." "It stayed at the same spot." And I'm thinking: "Really?!" And she says: "The next day morning we got to saw" "was a big lamp! Right outside our window!" "I felt so stupid! Ha, haaaaa!" Now you realize she is sharing this with complete strangers. She doesn't care! She just loves to have fun and loves to be noticed. We are not real big on details, you know, we're little scattered-brain. We are the kind of people who go to a shopping-mall, we'll come out and we have no idea where the car is! And we think it's hilarious. "I couldn't find a car for an hour! Ha, haaaaa!" Of course your spouse is not nearly as entertained by this. Highly irritated! OK? And what do we do? These people they wanna be noticed. What all you "Fun" people? What have you heard all of your life from people? "O, God, don’t notice him!" "Don't encourage him!" "Don't encourage him!" So, everybody closest to you works the hardest to deny you what you want the most. And if they succeed you will be depressed. You will be frustrated. You will not be happy, if they win. It's a constant war between the countries here. Now, look at the words they like to use: "Happy", "Good time", "Funny", "Great". We get a lot of people from "Fun" country coming to my event. 'Cause it's called: "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage". Just the title alone, they're in: "Ha, haaaaa! OK, let's go!" "Ha, haaaaa! I love it!" And what are they doing? They are trying to sell everybody by using their words. So, if they are married to a "Control" person they are coming up to think: "O, come on! You need to come. It will be really fun! It will be really great! And such a blast!" But you are speaking Swahili to this guy! 'Cause there's not a one word you said that appeals to him at all. "Come on, it will be really fun!" We all like using our own language. And we can't even begin to comprehend why the phrase "Really fun" doesn't motivate you to come. If you really want to succeed with Mr."Control" or Mrs."Control", you would use their language. You would say: "Honey, you know we oughta go to this thing," "because we will be able to achieve more in our marriage, we will be able to accomplish more," "we will be able to get more done and we will succeed more in our relationship!" Now you are talking his language! You see that difference? But we don't wanna do that! We don't even care what the another language is! We just want to use our language and it gets us in trouble. So this is important to try to understand. Then we have the people from the diamond-shaped hard perfect world of "Perfect". These are the people they just want to get it right. Just details, details, details... They view world under magnifying glass. And they're always looking for flaws. Their way of saying "I love you" is: "Let me tell you what's wrong with you." You know what I'm talking? Some of you got there. You're always telling your spouse: "You need to quit doing that! You need to do this better!" This is their version of love! If they didn't care they'd let you just burst in the flames! They wouldn't care! You're about to drive your car over cliff. They don't care, just see you... But if they love you they are always pointing out what's wrong, how you can be better. These people their ideal vehicle is the train. That's because unless this rail is exactly... It has to be exactly from the same distance from this rail or the train is not gonna move. These people are often accused of being "Control" freaks. And they are not and they get mad. If you have spouse and you say "You're just a control freak!" and they get mad at you... I promise you they are not a "Control" freak. They are probably a "Perfect" person. If you accuse a "Control" person of being a "Control" person... You know what they do? They go: "That's right!" They love it! "That's right, I'm a "Control"! Get out of my way!" But "Perfect" people are often accused of being "Control". But the reason that it feels like they are a "Control", is because they are always stopping the train. They are rain stoppers. They are not controllers. They are not trying to control the environment, as "Control" people like to control the environment. They're like: "Do this. Do that. Put this here..." They light up with that. But "Perfect" people, they just want to get it right. That's their desire: "Get it right. Let's get it right!" Now, it doesn't mean it is right. It's just right to them. These are the people that if they're on the Titanic the only thing that they would be concerned about is that: "The furniture stay arranged on deck!" The rest of us would be on: "We're dying! It's gonna sink! Who cares?!" "I'm sorry, it's a policy. We gotta keep these chairs over here." "That's what it says in the manual." Have you ever run to somebody like that? That it seems like "For the lack of every bit of common sense in the world they can not see it, because it's in the manual". These are "Perfect" people. They make some of the greatest workers in the world, because they will follow the manual to death. These are by nature the most creative people in the world. You're the best architects. You're the best artists. You're the best designers. You're the best musicians. Janet comes from the world of "Perfect". It's her highest score. They take details and they make them come alive. They are creative geniuses. But, they are by nature the world's most sensitive people. And what they desire more than anything is really not perfection. They just want you to be sensitive to their feelings. What is something you would not even connect that. You think they want perfection, they wanna view stuff... No, No, No...Their greatest desire: "Sensitivity to their feelings." It really throws everybody 'cause nobody picks that up, because they are always throwing darts at everybody: "That's wrong!" And we are trying to throw darts back at them... But they don't handle it very well. They don't like it. They get their feelings hurt all the time. "Perfect" people always walk around. They’re always hurting, all the time. People are always offending them and they feel things very very deeply. A lot of them carry a lot of hurt and pain from even years ago. It's a real struggle for them. Again, they are creative brilliant geniuses. Got loves them and God made you the way you are, but they have really hard time letting go on stuff. "Control" people. If you offend a "Control" child - he'll push past it. You offend a "Fun" child - he'll laugh it off. You offend a "Peace" child - he'll make peace with it. You offend a "Perfect" child and they can carry the pain of that well into adulthood. Some of them for the rest of their lives. If you have "Perfect" children, you need to be very careful with them. They are very very sensitive people. Again, they are brilliant. They are wonderful people. The most misunderstood people. When I'm flying home at 35 000 ft I'm really hoping that guy who designed that came from "Perfect" country. And not from "Fun" country! 'Cause all we care about is that "Look! Cool!" And if it blows up we go: "Ha, haaaaa! O, man did you see that?!" "Let's make another one!" They like words like "Ideal", "Right", "Details", "Feel". That sort of thing. Then we have the final country. The country of "Peace". These are the people who just wanna get along with everybody. "Can't we all just get along?" I call it the the "Rodney King" motivation. (African American, racism victim). "Can't we all just get along?" Their favorite vehicle is the gondola on calm waters. They hate emotional waves. They just hate it. Inevitably, these people marry people who do belly flops in the pool. "Splash! Nooooo, stop it!" They just hate it! It drives them crazy! This picture of a person in a hammock while mowing the lawn. That's not laziness to these people - that's efficiency. "Stay calm! Just stay calm!" They like words like: "No hassle", "The easy way", "Relax", "Low maintenance", "Smart". These like doing things with as little discomfort as possible. These people's greatest desire... "Control" and "Fun" are the easiest to recognize what their desire is. "Perfect" and "Peace" is harder. "Perfect" I explained to you, but... "Peace" people what their greatest desire is for you to respect who they are. That's what they really want. The problem is, these are the easiest people in the world to disrespect. It is because they are so nice. And they are so plastic and so bendable. They just... And when anybody from the other countries run into a "Peace" person, we immediately think: "Here's a chance for a convert!" That's what we do: "We can get him to the dark side." "Follow the dark side!" Because we think: "Because they're so nice" "they really need what we have. We can bring them to our side." So, "Control" people, they'll come to a "Peace" person and say: "You need to get more done in your life!" and the "Peace" person will go: "OK" And the "Fun" person will say: "You need to be more excited about life!" They'll go: "OK" And the "Perfect" person says: "You need to get it right!" And they'll go: "Yes, yes, you're right!" And you can push'em along just so far. These people all of the sudden shut down on you in a heartbeat. And it will shock you. What happened? It's because, at some point, you start disrespecting them. And you start insulting them. They'll put up with a lot, because they are peace people. By nature they'll suffer the slings and arrows of many outrageous fortunes, OK? (Shakespeare) But you start insulting who they are, they will shut down on you, they'll go cold, they'll get really upset. A "Control" person pushes too hard - it makes a "Peace" person feel stupid. You make a "Peace" person start to feel stupid, they'll really get upset with you. A "Fun" person can make him feel like a dud. You make him feel like a dud: Shut down. "Perfect" person will make him feel like a failure. You start making him feel that way, you're insulting them, they will shut down on you. If war breaks out between the other three countries, these people all hide. And they come out and join whoever won at the end. Which makes the other two want to kill 'em, OK? So, that's the temperament thing. This is just the beginning. This is why you act the way that you act. The way you approach life. Then, what this program does is that it measures what we call your "Hard" motivations vs. your "Soft" motivations. "Soft" means: calm, patient, peaceful, low-key, easy-going. "Hard" sounds bad, but it's not bad, it's great, it's wonderful: strong-will, bold, born-leader, organized, self-sufficient people. These are wonderful wonderful people. Sadly, you know, the world that I come from, in churches, we tend to really favour "Soft" people. You know. And we kind of dislike "Hard" people. But it's very very unfair. Because you're both wonderful. God has both in Him. "Thy shall not!" is pretty hard, right? When Jesus was whipping people and throwing them out of church. That's a little on a "Hard" side. But then he also was compasionate, forgave people even the most outragues offences. That was a "Soft" side. God is perfect, we have varying degrees of this. And this program actually measures this in you. It is very very interesting. This is what we call the flag, hence the name: "Flag Page". This shows you your top 5 motivations. The 5 things you love the most about life. And we do that in order of importance to you. And this is really significant, because often time couples not only fail to appreciate what the other person loves, but they criticize it in them. And when you start criticizing what the other person loves the most about life it really causes a great deal of pain. And you start tearing at their heart. We have a phrase that says: "Don't step on my flag!" The problem is we all appreciate the things that we love the most, but when you see your spouse's flag you don't get nearly as excited about it. You are thrilled by your own, but you look at theirs: "No, that's too bad." Now, we're gonna take a break. And when we come back I'm going to show you, I've got a couple of couples - "guinea pigs" that have already taken this program. I'm gonna bring'em up on a stage and I'm gonna go through just a part of their flag, so you kind of get a sense of how this program works and how couples can try and learn so much about each other and learn how to succeed with each other. We will do that when we come back, alright? OK, we have with us now Keith and Dana Staser, and we going at look at Stasers. They are my next "Guinea pigs" here. Keith, he's the "Fun" guy. He likes being up here. "Look at me!" Look at this! 188! This boy's on drugs, man! I'll tell you! He loves fun! He's just: Haaa "Great sense of humor", "Life of the party", "Never a dull moment". 188! OK?! 78 "Perfect" "Fun / Perfect" people: We call these people the world's greatest entertainers or the most creative people. They have fun but they get it right. They get it right and they have fun. Then he has a "Peace" score of only 63, a "Control" score of only 27. He barely has a pulse! Who just happens to be married to... 203! That's like off the charts! Do you know how rare that is to see someone 203? 203! "Get it done!" This girl is like... So, Mr. 23 "Control" is married to Mrs. 203 "Control"! What a shock! I can't believe it! Dana: I'm gonna cry... Now, her next highest one is "Peace". So, she's what we call a "Control / Peace"woman. We call these people the world's gretest managers. Why? They get stuff done but they get along with people. They get along with people but they get stuff done. And that's her world. That's her world she moves in. OK, now! Ups, wrong button. Now! Keith, we measure here is "Hard" and "Soft". Look at the difference here: 89! He is very high on "Soft" side, very low on the "Hard" side. Here is a guy who is very much a soft-hearted guy. Desires to be very relational. That's a huge jump - 89. Usually, and I don't know Keith, but usually guys like this: If you force them to go into the "Hard" side, you don't like the result. These are the guys, they get upset, they go psycho on you. Dana: "That's hilarious!" They will use bomb to kill a fly. They will nuke the joint, I mean they will go off on you. Good news is you don't see it very often. And when you see it, it just freaks you out. "Why are you so upset?!" "You don't have to get so upset!" Which only makes him more upset. The reason why they get so upset, the reason why they so over-react, usually in tough situations is they don't like being there. What they are trying to do is kick back to the "Soft' side. They don't like being there. I think of the "Incredible Hulk": "Don't make me angry!" "You won't like me when I'm angry!" Dana is a balancing woman. She can be comfortable doing black and white as well as being very relational. It's harder for him to be confrontational and direct with people but not for you. OK? Keith: "Not a problem!" Not a problem! That's a lovely thing! Now, the reason they can mess with you, I don't know you guys, but a lot of couples, they can feel bad about that. 'Cause our culture approves of hard men, like the first guy who was here, and soft women. We don't particulary care for tough women and soft men. And a lot of times they can feel like there is something wrong. There is nothing wrong with you. This is exactly who God made you to be. And it's fine. You might find yourself in a situation where you be saying to him: "Why can't you tell kids 'No'?!" "Why can't you call that guy... Why can't you... be a man!" Whatever words you wanna use. The thing is: 'Cause he doesn't like that! If it's confrontational, if it's hard: He will let you take over really quickly. And that's fine, there's nothing wrong with this. In fact, a woman who is a big "Control", "Tons of confidence", "Quick to action", you know... She just: "Aaaaa" There is nothing wrong with that. It's great! A lot of times in churches we criticize strong women, particulary women who by nature are quick to make decisions... quick, quick, quick... and to lead and especialy in tough situations. And we think: "You are usurping authority." Baloney! They are not usurping authority. See, we misunderstand that in this nation, in this western culture, because we think authority is tight to what you do. Whoever does the most has the authority. Wrong! In eastern culture they understand. Authority is not based in what you do, it's based on who you are! So they have kings and that sort of things. We fought wars to get rid of kings. But they have kings and that stuff. Whether a king is a great king or a bum is irrelevant. He's still the king. They understand that. It's based on who you are. Not what you do! And we have a hard time with that. Even in eastern religious culture a lot of their worship songs celebrate the Christ and the inherent Godhead that was in Jesus. And they celebrate Christ for who He is. In western culture our songs are all about: Let's celebrate Jesus for what He's done. Everything is about doing here. And we misunderstand. We think: Because a woman is doing a lot she is taking... No! That has nothing to do with authority! Best example of that in Old Testament is where you read the story about Joseph in Egypt. The Pharaoh put him in charge of everything. Joseph made every decision about everything. He called all the shots in Egypt. The Bible says there wasn't one thing that Joseph was not in charge or responsible for. If you came in to Egypt you would've sworn Joseph was the Pharaoh. But was Joseph the Pharaoh? Never! Never! Never in one time. The people even think: He was the Pharaoh! Why? 'Cause they got it! It was not about what Pharaoh did. Sitting around and eating bonbons all day long. I have no idea! But it was irrelevant! What you do does not make you the king! It's who you are. OK? I do not know if that helps at all. It's good for you to be who you are. This is the way God wired you, Mrs. 203 "Control"! "Tons of confidence!" "I can do anything!" "Don't get in my way!" And she loves that. Now, Mrs. "Tough girl" is married to Mr. "Sincere at heart". He's a one fuzzy guy. Again: "Thoughful", "Genuine", "Compassionate", "Likes to have fun", "Never a dull moment", "Faithful", ... And she's: "Quick to action", "Confident", "Optimistic", "I can do anything!" "Anything's possible!" "Come on, follow me!" She loves it! Also "Sincere at heart", also has a "Great sense of humor". Bottom line: If she gets this fulfilled in her life... Just looking at these words makes you feel good, doesn't it? Dana: "Ou, Yeah!" I'm telling you: you have to do it to see it. I'm looking at other people's, I think: "That's nice." But when I see mine I just go: Haaaa.... You know, I love it! That's how powerful this stuff is! And the same for Keith. When he sees that he goes: "Yes, yes, that's me. This is wonderful." "This is great!" The problem is now, if you wanna have a bad marriage you just start criticizing him for these things. Always goofing around... Everything gotta be real about everything... "Goofing off? You gotta quit goofin' off." "You need to be more serious about life! What's the matter with you?!" OK? You criticize her for always trying to be in charge: "What's the matter with you?! You always think everything's gonna be great." "Sometimes things are lousy!" "You need to be more real!" "What's the matter with you?!" And when you do that now... See, you can say that to me, it wouldn't hurt me. 'Cause I don't have any of this. I don't know. Alright. I can work with that. You that to her. Now, you're tearing at her heart. You're tearing at who she is. Lot of times what you criticize the most in your spouse is what they happen to love the most in life. You don't even know it. They've never told you. And then you wonder why you're struggling and why you're hurting each other so much. This program will help you to discover it. Let's take a look at Dana & Keith's rules for feeling loved. Dana's rule for feeling loved: "Tons of confidence." "Encourage and release me to go to the next level!" She wants you to approve of her being this big "Control" - "Get it done!" Check. That's her No.1 rule for feeling loved. Keith: "That's right!" You know that number and she's got No. 2,3,4, and 5, by the way. And she hasn't done all these, yet. OK? But you'll work this through. You will come up with her 5 rules for feeling loved. I'm telling you: It's impossible for her not to feel happy, if you respect those in her life. And for Keith: "Sincere at heart." His No.1 rule is: "I need you to sincerely appreciate me." And when you say sincere, it means to be real. You got to be very very real with him. Again: There guys who have "sincere", they can smell phony a mile away. They can tell when you're being, you know, just blowing smoke at them. The more real you are with them and you appreciate them the more he'll come to life. And again, he has also 2, 3, 4 and 5. And again, you get these 5 rules in their lifes these people will come to life. And they will succeed at the level. And check it out: Neither one of them has to change. And they can be completely happy. I believe you can stick virtually any two people in the world together. This is not eharmony.com, OK? We do not care about that. This isn't trying to find... you know... "...we're the most alike..." It doesn't matter if you have exactly the same stuff or you're totally different. Bottom line is: If you'll respect, honor and encourage each other, just these five things. Stop to think about that: You do this program. I can show you 5 things. If you will do those 5 things you will have a happy wife. Take it to the bank. You do these 5 things I can show you how you can have an absolutely thrilled and encouraged happy man in your life. Beloveds don't even know what they are. We never talk about that. That's the power of this program. All you have to do, when you do the program, you just have to go online and enter the code. When you buy my book... Where is a copy of the book? There's a copy of the book. Over here. Very professional - on the floor, here. OK, here we go. Here is a copy of my book! Very professional, yes! Anyway! It's blue, see? It's called: "Discovering Your Heart with The Flag Page." And when you get the book, it comes with the code in the back. And you take the code. And you go online. And you enter this in. You need one code for each person. So if you wanna get the book and you want one for your spouse you have to buy the code. The codes are only $10. They're very affordable. It's certain for $10, man, to find out what you can find in this thing... It's absolutely life-changing. And I tell you who is this great for: Teenagers! Nobody is more confused about who they are in life than our teenagers. And unlike an adult who wants you to understand them teenagers don't want you to understand them. It's true! They are blowing smoke all the time trying to confuse you. You've got this program and you'll find out! And this can be life changing. I had a man who came up to me about a year and half ago. He looked at me and says: "I want you to know something: 'You saved our family!'" I said: "What do you mean?" He said: "We had a daughter who was so different from us. We never understood her." "And we were always at war with her." "She was always in trouble and she was always depressed." "And she tried to commit suicide." "Raised in the church all her life." "Tried to take her life." "We were so heart-borken." He said: "We heard about this program and your book." He says: "We did this with her." "And we came up with her 5 rules to feel loved." "When I saw her five rules to feel loved", he says, "I wept!" "Because I realized had been breaking all 5 of those all the time." "Sincerely, pastor", he says, "I never knew it." "I never knew, but when I saw that I determined" "I'm gonna start respecting what this young girl needs." He said that change in her was dramatic. And it is! When you start givin' people what they truely need in life the change is powerful and dramatic! He says the turnaround in her: Her attitude changed, she was up and positive, she's in the school today, she is even thinking about going into the ministry. That was the power of understanding her heart and recognizing who she is. There's a lots of reasons why we struggle with this today. Lots of psychological and sociological reasons that I talk a little bit about in the book. But it doesn't matter! Who cares why! You and I don't have the power to change our culture. Just so that you know: Our culture the way it is today has given people, we've given birth to entire generations now, who are completely clueless about who they are. It wasn't like that for a very very long time throughout our history. But it is that way now. This program will help you to center on the inside, to understand who you are, who God made you to be. I'll tell you who really was impacted by this program and fell in love with big time: Was me! Because all my life I had been criticized for doing and being who I was. Are you kidding? A pastor? Good on stage... Fun, loves people, inspirational... You know: I love to make people laugh! And the static I got all my life: "You can't do that! You can't get up in the public starting goofing around like that!" "What's the matter with you?! You know it's gonna be in front of people. You need to be more humble. Blah..." All from men who did not have any of those things in their hearts. They didn't have it. I had it, so what is wrong with me? All my adult life I spent majority of my time, I'm a musician, I'm very good at what I do. I was also a video producer. Churches loved hiring me, because I was in charge of the music programs and helped do the multimedias and stuff... And I said: Here is a guy who love to be in front of people, inspire people... I spent majority of my day in a dark room with a computer or a keyboard. "Na na na na na na na na naaaa..." And the thing is I'm very good at it. And I was told all my life: "All that matters is you are good at what you do!" Wrong! It's important that you love what you do. And when I saw that printout I was heart-broken. I said: "That's me! It's too bad!" Seriously, I thought that was what was wrong with me. And Larry, the guy who developed this program, has shown this to me, said: "No, no, no... this is what's right about you!" And I said: "No, that's what everybody hates about me!" He said: "I don't know what they hate about you," "but this is who you are!" "And you need to be this!" I remember taking it to the senior pastor where I worked. He looked and says: "Is this really how you feel?" "Yes". He says: "Man, you need to change your life!" And he helped me launch into what I'm doing today. And I am touching millions of people's lives doing all the stuff everybody told me I cuoldn't do! So, to all those people who said I coudn't do it: Alright?! That's what I got to say! Alright! Thanks you guys! God bless you! And when we'll come back we're going to do "The Yo Mama!" session. The No.1 key to incredible sex. See you in a few minutes, alright?!