The Marry Prankster

Okay, does everybody know what they're supposed to do? (ALL AGREEING) Hell, no. Okay, sixth time's the charm. Alex, I bought Max a lotto ticket with last week's winning numbers. Right. I also DVR'd last week's numbers announcement. Following. So when we play Max the clip, he'll think he won and flip out. It's the perfect prank. You got it? Yeah. Sure, buddy, I got it. Max is gonna win the lottery last week. (WHISPERS) Pass it on. Are you sure Max isn't gonna freak out? This sounds a little mean. Aw! Isn't he adorable? You're my little... And this is a working nickname, sweet hunk-a-Pete-meat. Yay. Ugh. We get it. Ya like each other. Pete, you son of a ***, you're as innocent as you are stunning. Max deserves this. He pranks us all the time. He got me just yesterday. Here you go, bud. This flier said you got a "gun 4 subs" campaign, ***. Hook a homie up with one of them frozen fudge sticks. (SHAKILY) But we don't have ice cream. If you're looking for a way to unload that heat, I got a guy. No questions. 'Tis true. Max hath scammed us all. Remember when he buttered my yoga mat? And my welcome mat? And my neighbor matt? Or when he hacked my ancestry account and convinced me that I was the third Williams sister. Mmm-hmm. Or when he decimated our 401(k). (DOOR UNLOCKS) Oh, that's him! Places, people! Places! Energy! Energy! (SCOFFS) Owning an unlicensed limousine sucks. I'm losing fares 'cause I got a giant hole in the floor. It's like The Flintstones. But do not try to put your feet through and run. It will rip most of the skin off. Don't sweat it. I know what'll make your day better. I bought us all Illinois Millions lotto tickets. We're about to watch the results on TV. Why don't we just check the results online, Grandpa? Good point, Max. Let's do that. Never mind. This way is more fun. (GIGGLES) MAN: And now, tonight's winning numbers are... Twenty-four. Yeah, I'm out. Ten. Daddy's done. Mmm-hmm. Thirty-five. Twenty-seven. Fifty-three. Oh, my God. And the final Illinois Millions jackpot number is... One. Oh, my God. What? What's up, Max? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Huh? What are you so excited about? I won. What? (LAUGHING) I won! BRAD: No way! No! (YELLING) I'm rich! Whoo! I'm no longer the poor one! I'm not sharing this with any of you! You're all dead to me! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (YELLING) (BLEEPING) Get your poor hands off me! I am out of here! Max, stop! You didn't win. What? (SIGHS) We pranked you. Those were last week's numbers. Funny bit though, right? (BRAD SNICKERING) (PENNY LAUGHS) JANE: Funny bit. Hi, buddy. Surprise. (LAUGHS) You were so passionate. (IN RASPY VOICE) Read my lips. I am going to get revenge (WHISPERING) on every last one of you. And no one will be able to escape the wrath of Max Broom. (IN NORMAL VOICE) What? Damn it. Max Blum. How'd I mess up my own name? (IN RASPY VOICE) It's your fault, and now I'm embarrassed, and I will revenge on all of you even harder! Did we mess up? And that is why I keep two separate journals, one for waking Dave and one for dreaming Dave. You see, REM sleep... (SCREAMS) Max, don't hurt me! Ow! Ow! What did I tell you about screaming like that? I know. Do it underwater. I'm sorry, Pen, but Pete was right. Our prank was too mean. Max is gonna get us, and I'm flipping out. You should be flippin' out. That's right. Max put stripper glitter in my two favorite things, my lotions and my creams. That's why we're late. We figured, why not take advantage of the situation? (RAP MUSIC PLAYING) Bring the guns out. Bring the guns out. (SIGHS) Actually, I'm glad my prank's out of the way, because someone's gonna clean themself up and go on some job interviews. Yep. My sabbradical is officially over and I'm ready to jump back into the world of high finance. Call me Melanie Griffith, 'cause I'm gonna be working, girl. Awesome! Yay! Love that movie. (CHUCKLES) Brad, I hope you get this job because we need to have a distraction from Max's revenge spree. Well, this little piggy, for one, is not worried because I am gonna stay one step ahead of him. Are you not eating that? Nope. Don't mind if I do. (BOTH YELL) No! (GASPS) Two down, three to go. The wrath of Mark Blum conti... Damn it. Max Blum. Why can't I get my name right? And that is why my addiction to working late is a strength, not a weakness. So, do I fill out my W-2 now or five minutes ago? (CHUCKLING) (CLEARS THROAT) Good-looking family you got there. Handsome son. That's my daughter, Stephanie. Well, she sure knows her way around a chainsaw. Lovely wife, by the way. That's my brother. Dog? Baby. Did I mention I'm black? Several times. Affirmative... (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Action? (GROANS) Darn it! Why don't you let me do that? You're shaking like the gals that used to watch me at swim practice. That's a lie. Are you all right? No! I haven't slept a wink! I've picked up and quit smoking four times, and I'm drinking way too much Rockstar for someone my height. (SIGHS) (CHUCKLES) Yum alert! What is that? (LAUGHS) Oh, it's from the landlord. "Happy Muffin Month." He remembered. That is so sweet. You know, my landlord... Wait! Wait! Do not touch those muffins! Max, you tricky son of a ***! What? No. (PENNY AND ALEX SCREAMING) Oh, my God! I should've known! Muffin Month isn't until May. And it isn't real! Foiled again, Maximilian. What a sicko! You guys realize that we are just prawns in his game? Little shrimp swimming around, waiting to be eaten by a big shark named Max! (SOBBING) Wait. Some of the muffins still look good. Okay! No! No! No! Hey. I'm feelin' low. Real low. Aw. What happened, boo? All my interviews today were ding *** dang disasters. I've been out of the game too long. I'm rusty. Oh. It couldn't have been that bad. Yeah, well, I mistook the first guy's baby for a dog. Okay. Other Highlights: I forcibly tried on a guy's shoe, showed a lady my stomach, and then peed on a guy. Granted, it was at the urinal after the interview, but still, It was *** water. You tinkled on his tennies? Mmm-hmm. Doesn't sound like you. I know. And those were the only open finance gigs in town. I blew it. (SIGHS) Who am I? You are big, bad l'Brad. You just need to expand your horizons. A guy with your financial background could have any job. Consulting firm, CFO of a start-up. The sky's the limit. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're gonna get a job. (CHUCKLES) Mmm. What, like right now? No. Not that kind of job. Damn it! Okay, Max. Here you go. (PANTING) Great prank! What are you doing, you tiny psycho? I'm pranking myself so I don't have to wait for you to do it. I can't handle living in fear. Are we even now? Huh? No, we're not even. And when it comes, my revenge will be served like the tennis serve of a seventh grade girl, slow, out-of-bounds, and I will pull balls out of my skirt. Wait! Listen! Listen, you devil! How about this? If you promise not to prank me, I will help you prank everybody else. Hmm. Come on. (CLICKS TONGUE) I guess I could use an adorable idiot like you. I knew you would see my value. (SIGHS) What did I do? ♪ Who's got a job? Bob's got a job! ♪ "Bob" rhymes with "job" much better than "Brad" ♪ So I switched the name but you know what I mean ♪ I got a job, job A j-o-b ♪ Yay! Oh, tell me all the details. Wait, I just got excited. Let's have sex first. Okay. No, tell me all the details. Okay. (WHISPERS) Sex. Details. Sex. Start talking. (STAMMERING) Okay. Well, I took your advice and I expanded my horizons, and I got a CFO job! Introducing Brad Williams, our new CFO, Chief Fun Officer! (CHUCKLES) Here we go! (CHILDREN CHEERING) Right, right, right. You're working at a kids' gym. That is hilarious. Big news over here. Quit my job at the car dealership and I'm now working as a space caterer. (IN ROBOTIC VOICE) would you like another star cake, Ambassador Zorp Zorp? (LAUGHS) (IN NORMAL VOICE) Take your pants off. What? No. Jane, I'm not joking. I got a job at Chuckles & Huggs. Oh. Okay. I see what's happening here. You bombed a few interviews, you freaked, and you took the first thing that came along. Classic Brad panic move, just like when 9/11 happened and you full-on supported the war in Iraq. We were lied to! Mmm. And this isn't a panic move, Jane. I like this job. Brad, you have an MBA. There's no way you like working at Fartles & James. That's not the name. So here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna call 'em up and you're gonna tell them you made a mistake, and then you're gonna go out and get a job that you really want. I did, like I told you. (MUTTERS) ♪ Who's got some work? Dirk's got some work! ♪ Who's got a profession? ♪ Stetson's got a profession! ♪ In this scenario, Dirk and Stetson are both me. Still makes no sense. So Brad got a job. That's great. Great? Really? What else is great? Syphilis? Men with bangs? Waking up with a dead dog in your damn bed? If I had known that dog was gonna climb in bed with me, I never would've had so much chocolate in there. Um, Penny? (SCOFFS) Why would my housekeeper drag dying flowers across my floor? What the hell is that? (GASPING) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Is that an engagement ring? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Where's Pete? (GASPS) Oh, my God! That's why he was gonna bring me here after dinner! Oh, my God! I have to call my mom! She's is going to die! (SCREAMS) Oh, my God. BOTH: Max. (IN SENSUAL VOICE) Oh! Hi, big boy. Long day? Mama can tell. Come sit on this here couch, and mama'll make your achy calves feel all better, on the couch. Wink, wink, mama's me. You're working with Max, aren't you? What? (LAUGHS) No! Okay, well, if you're not working with Max, why don't you sit on the couch? Fine. (CHUCKLES) Don't know why you're being so weird. Love couch sitting. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) (GASPS) Ow! My tiny leg! Oh, are you okay? Yeah. I think so. What was your end game? You knew the couch was rigged. I don't know. This prank thing is making me crazy! Al, look at yourself. This is getting ridiculous. You don't have to join Max. We can prank him, beat him at his own game. We'll give him a shot at pre-vengeance, with a dose of pre-taliation, and finish him off with a load of pre-comeuppance. I'm in. It's about time someone got him back for that airbag in the couch prank! Oh, pretty bird... I think we need a new coffee table. Excellent pranking, Corporal Max. Thank you, Sergeant. No, thank you, Max. No, thank you. Oh, Max! Oh, my God. Are you having a breakdown? Let me get my camera. No, I'm not having a breakdown. I'm just trying on wedding dresses 'cause I'm totally engaged with a real engagement. Oh, my God! That's incredible! Yeah, it is incredible. I am so happy for you guys. Please, tell me everything! How did he do it? Let me see the ring. You go, girl. Don't tell anyone I said that. But real talk, you go, girl! Wait. This is not what I pictured for you, but it's great. Wait. What is happening? No, I came over here to make you feel bad about your awful prank. Oh. (CHUCKLES) You got slimed. Pretty genius. And the rose petals and the champagne and the ring? (WHISPERS) How dare you? What are you talking about? All I did was the slime. Oh. (GASPS) The engagement is real? You are engaged for real. BOTH: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have to call my mom for real now! Oh, yay! ♪ Penny gettin' married Penny gettin' married ♪ (SCREAMS) That was supposed to be for David. This dress is a rental. Green looks good on you. (CHILDREN SHOUTING PLAYFULLY) Uh, ma'am, do you have a child here? We don't normally allow lone adults to leer at the children. Oh, I have a child in there, a big child, African-American, made a rash decision he doesn't realize he's going to regret. Ah, you mean Andre? He has a rash, which is why he can't go in the ball pit. No. I'm talking about my husband Brad. Ah. Oh, there he is. Look at him. Pretending like he's having the time of his life. (LAUGHING) Focus! What kind of rank idiot throws away a diamond ring anyway? I thought it was garbage from your stupid prank, but now I know it's from Pete, I love it! Wait. Where is Pete? (CHUCKLING) That's a funny, charming story. I, um, might've pranked Pete. Help! I'm glued to the toilet! But Pete had nothing to do with this! Pen, I live by mafia rules. You, your family, anybody in the room, y'all gotta pay. That's how I roll. Keep looking. BRAD: Bye, Dylan. Bye, Sophia, girl Dylan, Madison, Madison, Addison... Jane? What are you doing here? I thought you didn't like Fartles & James. Listen, I get it. You really like this job. I saw you having fun. It's what you want right now. Thank you. And I'm sorry I always act like I know what's best for you. I'm really just trying to help. I know. It's okay. I love you. I love you. Mmm. Mmm. Whoa! (BOTH LAUGHING) It's kind of sexy. Perks of working here, my dear. Boop! Hey, Brad, while you're in there, do you mind cleaning up a bit? Here's the diaper fork. (GAGS) For now. I work here for now. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I wanna be out of this so bad. (GAGS) Oh! Diaper! No! Oh, you know what? You might not wanna see this if you ever wanna have sex with Pete in the future. Copy that. Pete! You know, I've always been secretly turned on by a pint-sized girl with a limp. When Kerri Strug stuck that landing, I stuck myself in my bedroom for quite some time. Right on. Yes! I told you Max would be here. Payback time. Perfect! Pranking Max outside of Pete's will give us a real element of surprise. I could not have done this without you. Thank you. I have my smart moments. I'm not as dumb as I am. All right. Keep an eye out while I go rig the limo. All right, I got it. Go, go. (HONKS) This'll burn a little, but it'll free your cheeks, bro. Also, it's gonna burn a lot. Can I come in? Every second that we waste is a second I can't say, "You know my fiance." (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) He gon' need a minute. Roger that. Come on! Git! Okay. Now we just lay low and play it cool. JANE: Hey, little weirdoes. Oh, goodie! You guys are here. Did we miss it? No. You're about to witness some real genius, specifically the popcorn prank from Real Genius. It doesn't take a real genius to know that is a prank I am not familiar with. Now, I snuck into Max's limo and rigged 12 hot plates and a ton of popcorn bags to the ignition. When he starts the engine, the limo will fill with delicious popcorn (ENGINE STARTS) and we will laugh and laugh... (ALL SCREAMING) (GASPS) Max is in there! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! My sweet, sweet Max! Oh, my God! What happened? I killed my friend! His life was his art, and I killed him! I Miss him already! I Miss my dead gay friend! Yeah, you do. Huh? I got you! (LAUGHING) You should've seen your face, crying over my dumb memory! (GRUNTS) I'm never letting go of this thick, biscuity torso. Max, you are the worst. How'd you even pull this off? Well, I snuck through the Flintstones hole in my limo, blew it up, thus faking my own death. (LAUGHING) And Dave, you sentimental ***, Alex was working with me the whole time. Hey! I win! (LAUGHS) I win! I pranked all of you. Max Blum! I said my name right! Max Blum! I said my name right! I am the wiener! Damn it! Winner! Yeah, you are. So you knowingly blew up your one and only source of income for a prank? No, Jane. I am gonna collect such the big daddy sweet insurance check once... Damn it. I don't have insurance. Oh, God. You didn't get me! I didn't get pranked. (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah? Ya didn't get pranked? You gave yourself a sideways Kate Gosselin, bazooka'd yourself through a coffee table, and Gillooly'd your leg. I think you got pranked, trick. It's gettin' better. Yeah, he's right, Al. He got us all good. Even stunning Pete. Oh! Pete! Where the hell were ya? You missed my best prank! You glued me to the toilet, Max. (LAUGHS) Right! Don't you have something nice to ask Penny? ALEX: What? This is not, um, how I envisioned this happening, but... Oh, wait. Um... You need this? Thank you. I really love it, by the way. Okay. (CHUCKLES) You're good. Penny, I love everything about you. I love your big heart and I love your even bigger head. Aw. I love how last night, when the waiter asked, "Do you want a doggie bag?" You didn't just say no. You lied and told him we were going on a three-week Alaskan cruise. Well, I didn't want him to think I didn't like the food. I know. You always surprise me, and I want you to surprise me for the rest of my life. I know it's quick, but once you know, you know. Penny Hartz, will you marry me? Yes! (CHEERING AND LAUGHING) ALEX: Yay, girl! (GASPS) (POPCORN POPPING) (EXCLAIMING) It's so pretty! I'm crying and I don't care who knows it. It works! It really works! (ALL LAUGHING) Classic couple of days, guys. Mmm-hmm. One last toast. To penny and Pete. To the most romantic engagement ever to take place within 20 feet of a car fire. (SIGHS) Well, I have to go lock up the store. See you guys later. So, not to divert attention from my hard-core eternal love, but, Max, I gotta hand it to you, you outdid yourself on those pranks. Ah, thank you, but I couldn't have done it without Dave starting this whole thing. Well, technically, you started it with the whole "subs 4 guns" thing. What "subs 4 guns" thing? Hold the pickles. If you didn't do the gun thing, who did? This fax came for you guys. A fax? What in the Wyclef Jean is this? Is this Alex? Wait. Alex was behind this whole thing? No way. No way in hell. She got the worst of it. She cut her hair, she hurt her leg. Yeah, it couldn't have been her. Of course not. Alex? Our Alex? She dumb as hell. ALEX: I'm not as dumb as I am.