Too Late with Adam Carolla Jeffrey Ross

>> Adam: WELCOME BACK TO "TOO LATE." I'M ADAM CAROLLA. S.W IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S TOP YEAH. THERE IT IS. JOINING ME TONIGHT IS A DEAR, DEAR, DEAR FRIENDf, JEFFREY ROS. [ APPLAUSE ] HT LET'S JUMP RIGHT IN. I'VE GOT ANOTHER MICHAEL JACKSON STORY TONIGHT. HE IS TRYING Cenen TO GET A HAI, PUMPING IRON. >> LIFTING BIGGER BOYS. >> Adam: OH. >> OH, I'M SORRY. I FELT UP THOSE KIDS. >> Adam: I THINK HE'S TRYING TO BUTCH IT UP SO HE PUTS THE *** LABEL BEHIND HIM. YOU KNOW -- WELL, FIRST THING IS WHY DON'T YOU GO A LITTLE EASIER ON THE ROUGE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IF I'M A GUY AND I DON'T WANT THE WEIRDO TAG HANGING OVER ME, I STOP GOING WITH THE LEE PRESS-ON NAILS AND THE EYELINER. AND THEN CHANGE MY NAME TO MIKE. >> THAT'S WHAT HE'S DOING? >> Adam: I WOULD. MIKE'S YOUR BUDDY. MIKE AIN'T NO CHILD MOLESTER. >> RIGHT. >> Adam: YEAH. YOU DRINK A FEW BEERS WITH. >> TRYING TO BE A LITTLE MORE MANLY LIKE LaTOYA JACKSON. >> Adam: EAH. >> HE LIVES IN THE MIDDLE EAST NOW, MICHAEL JACKSON, BAHRAIN. BAHRAIN. HE'LL HAVE FUN THERE. THERE'S A STRIP CLUB I'VE BEEN THERE, SHOWS THE WHOLE THING. HOW DO YOU GET OFF MAKING FUN OF MY MAN ***, BY THE WAY? YOU'RE LIKE UGLY FOR A COMEDIAN. AND YOU MAKE FUN OF MY ***. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THAT WORKS. >> Adam: DON'T SQUEEZE THEM. MILK'S GOING TO COME OUT. LOOK, YOU SHOULDN'T MESS WITH THE KING OF THE ROADSTER. IT'S REALLY STUPID. LET'S MOVE FORWARD. >> IF I WANT TO SEE YOU SIT IN A CHAIR ALL NIGHT, I'D GO TO YOUR HOUSE. THE PREVIEW CHANNEL HAS A BIGGER BUDGET THAN THIS SHOW. >> Adam: I KNEW THIS WAS A MISTAKE. BOB DENVER. DEAD. AT AGE 70. LITTLE BUDDY. >> HIT ON THE HEAD WITH A COCOA NUT. IT'S SAD. WHAT DO YOU THINK WAS SADDER, THE FACT THAT HE DIED OR THAT HE WAS GILLIGAN? YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKED ABOUT "GILLIGAN'S ISLAND," HE'D GET HIT ON THE HEAD AND LOSE HIS MEMORY. THE ONLY WAY TO 8XóPhM A COCOA . ANY HEAD TRAUMA BRINGS IT BACK. IF ONLY ALI HAD BEEN PUNCHED MANAGER. HE'D STILL BE HERE TONIGHT. >> GILLIGAN, YOU KNOW WHAT IT SAID ON HIS TOMBSTONE, HERE LIES BOB DENVER, NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH JOHN DENVER, WHO IS ALSO DEAD. TOO SOON? FOR A GILLIGAN JOKE? GIVE ME A BREAK. I READ THE PAPER, GILLIGAN SURVIVED BY A CHIMP AND AN UNKNOWN RUSSIAN SPY. >> Adam: LET'S KEEP MOVING AND TALK ABOUT SUGE KNIGHT WHO WAS RELEASED FROM THE HOSPITAL IN MIAMI AFTER HE SHOT HIMSELF AT THE VMAs. EVIDENTLY HE SHOT HIMSELF. >> APPARENTLY HE OWED HIMSELF SOME MONEY. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Adam: I LIKE THAT ONE. THAT'S GOOD. I'M SCARED TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT SUGE KNIGHT. >> I'M NOT. >> Adam: YOU'RE NOT. I KNOW YOU'RE NOT. WHY AREN'T YOU? >> BECAUSE WHAT KIND OF STREET CRED IS HE GOING TO GET FOR KILLING A JEW COMIC? >> Adam: YEAH. >> [ BLEEP ] SUGE KNIGHT! >> Adam: MY THING ABOUT SUGE KNIGHT IS -- LET'S SEE THAT PICTURE OF SUGE KNIGHT AGAIN. THE GUY WEIGHS 500 POUNDS. AND HE AIN'T FAT, WHICH IS SCARY. BUT THE OTHER THING IS, I FEEL SORRY FOR THE POOR EMTs THAT HAD TO GET HIM IN THE GURNEY. THE AMBULANCE MUST HAVE BEEN SQUEALING DOWN THE ROAD. >> THEY HAD TO GIVE HIM A HELICOPTER. >> Adam: PLUS THE GUY'S ON HIS CELL PHONE SMOKING A CIGAR. YEAH, SHOT MYSELF. >> YEAH, YEAH. I DON'T KNOW. I MIGHT NEED SECURITY TO GET OUT OF HERE. >> Adam: TAKE IT BACK. >> HE DID ROLL UP ON ME ONCE AT JERRY'S. "HEY, FUNNY MAN. I HEAR YOU BEEN TALKING ABOUT ME." I'M LIKE, "WHAT TEAM DO YOU PLAY FOR AGAIN?" >> Adam: AT LEAST YOU WERE AT JERRY'S, SO YOU HAD YOUR POSSE. >> CORNED BEEF IN THE HOUSE! >> Adam: LAST STORY OF THE NIGHT. DONALD TRUMP IS GOING TO BE SINGING AT THIS YEAR'S EMMYS. >> IS THAT TRUE? >> Adam: YEAH, BECAUSE THEY'RE DOING THIS WHOLE, LIKE, MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO REALITY TV. SKPI THINK THEY'RE GOING TO BE SINGING. >> HAVEN'T WE HAD ENOUGH NATURAL DISASTERS? >> Adam: I KNOW. IT JUST SEEMS LIKE A HORRIBLE IDEA. HERE'S THE WHOLE THING ABOUT TRUMP. SOMEONE NEEDS TO LOWER THIS GUY'S SELF-ESTEEM. HE DOESN'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING HE CAN'T DO. AND I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING HE CAN DO. >> I GOT A GREAT IDEA FOR A REALITY SHOW. MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME WITH THIS. WHERE FORMER CONTESTANTS OF "THE APPRENTICE" COMPETE TO SEE WHO GETS TO PUNCH DONALD TRUMP IN THE FACE. IT'S CALLED "[ BLEEP ] I QUIT." >> Adam: I LIKE THAT. JEFF ROSS, EVERYBODY. I WANT TO THANK JEFF ROSS FOR COMING IN HERE TONIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] JEFF'S GOING TO BE AT THE AUDITORIUM IN WASHINGTON, D.C., ON OCTOBER 1st. AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "TOO LATE" AFTER THIS.