Joan Of Arcadia S2E9 - English Transcript

One time I dreamt I had this sea turtle named Lady who could talk, and we did everything together. Including talk. We played cards and swam and ate junk food. When I woke up, I missed her so much. Even though she was never real. I mean, especially because because she wasn't real. But Judith was real, Joan. Lady the sea turtle was this Exotic magical creature. She belonged to me. Nobody else had a friend like her. And then I actually found someone who was like a talking sea turtle. I mean, she was magical and Exotic. You're totally not following me, are you? It's normal to be angry with someone who dies. You feel abandoned. So what happens in psychiatry school, hmm? What, they suck out every original thought? Now you're transferring your anger onto me. No, I'm actually angry with you. Do you know why? 'Cause you're a jerk. I took God away from you. I destroyed that magical and exotic friendship. More than ever, you wish he were real. Lots of people believe in God who are not crazy. Isaac Newton, Bono pretty much anyone who wins an award. Believing is one thing. Seeing is another. Are you seeing him again? Do you think it went well? It went fine. And it helped to talk to him? Mom, my friend died, I'm sad. Apparently that's normal. Joan Mom, you wanted me to go talk to dr. Dan, I went and talked to dr. Dan. I don't want to see him anymore. Why not ? He has nose hair. Oh, that is not a reason. You keep dragging me to the shrink every time something bad happens. Oh no ! This your car ? Yes. Are you serious? I I was just taking my daughter to see a counsellor. Mom ! Just doing my job, ma'am. Unbelievable! What ? What can I tell you? Her meter ran out. What ? Her time ran out. Oh, really ? That's your defence? Her time ran out? That's the best you can do when it comes to the point of human existence? "Sorry, time's up. " Too bad about all those people you loved and all the plans you had. You know, it must be really great to know that your time's never gonna run out. What ? Never mind. Coming ! Justdrive. I got them to agree to do the depositions in my office. Too emotional to travel? It's gonna sound great in the court when the jury's staring at my client. End of the day, they would have done it in your living room. I still don't understand why the kids have to participate. No, it's good. This will work for us. The more kids you have, the more lives are ruined. Tell them to load it up, too. Usually the deposition is monosyllables. When it comes to describing the night of this accident, I want to hear violins playing. That goes triple for you, kiddo. No problem. Chuck, we're on board with the aggressive approach, but this language upsets my wife. I'll do all my own talking, Will. Ok, then it upsets me. Litigation, people, not synchronized swimming. Mom. No pressure, but all the clothes I like are dirty. Sorry. Joan, Chuck Kroner. Our daughter Joan is wearing her least favourite clothes. . Nice to meet you, Joan. If you'll excuse me, I have to run. In my profession, time actually is money. What's with captain creepy? Whatever it is, I am not going to therapy. I know it's a lot to ask. Dude licking your floors would be a lot to ask. No. It's one dinner. It's my birthday dinner. My dad makes lasagne. I'll get you a present. Besides, someone we knew is actually dead. How can you even think of celebrating? It's dinner, Grace. You know, nobody's going limbo or wear stupid hats. Look, once your sister knows, the world knows. We might as well get married. Joan won't figure it out. She's not that stupid. Stupid, no. Self-absorbed? Paris Hilton has more perspective. I'll say we have to study later. It's my 16th birthday, you know, the one where you get a car. I mean, I'm just getting a diving watch. But, still, it's a watershed event. I thought you were afraid of the ocean. Grace, this is what I want for my birthday, ok? Not a present, not a rain check, not 5 more minutes of make-out time. Shut up ! This is a deal-breaker, Grace. I'm still having nightmares about Judith, and now I have to go to this lawyer's office and talk about Kevin's accident? What did I do in my past lifetime, kill puppies? Truly. Yeah. You know, plus this is the week Price is gonna analyze the college counsellor's report. Are you kidding me? How could I hate my life more? Tests are back today. What ? Way to bounce back after Judith. It's a classic coping mechanism. You'll do fine on the test. I quizzed you. Wow. Did Lischak use her own blood? What happened? You knew it. I guess I just froze. I got lucky. Look, it's just 'cause you were under a lot of stress. Luke is stressed. Friedman is heartbroken. I am incredibly stupid. Physics is hard. Physics is hard? That's like the intellectual version of "you're not fat. " Look, it's just your first test. You have plenty of time to make it up. The next sentence could be your last. Lischak gave it to me because I helped her study. That's all I was gonna say. This is the deposition in the matter of Baker vs. Girardi, and today we're deposing Will Girardi. If it pleases our parties, I would like Mr. Kroner to review some paperwork, verify addresses and dates, that sort of thing. And then we'll begin. Of course. Dad, it is cool. It's ram-air traction, rip-stop nylon. You barely need a breeze to fly it. It's like the perfect display of positive/negative air flow. It's a kite. Yeah, and it's smarter than you. And it's more interesting than you. Guys, not today. Where's the Gatorade? Hey, it's 4:30. You're not suited up. I'll suit up at the gym. I got time. You'll get benched. Henderson pulled a groin muscle. Nobody else to carry the ball. That's your work ethic? Dad, it's football. It's not even my sport. BaseballI give 110%. So you skim off the top elsewhere? What kind of a man are you? The point is, you signed up to play, you give it everything. Can I get the abbreviated lecture? You�re gonna make me late. You're already late, and this is not how I raised you to think. You've been on me all day. Yeah, well, that's my job. . What's wrong now. This is between me and Kevin. I have to go. Whoa, whoa. I'm not finished here. He's going to be late for the game, Will. Helen, please. Please what? You're always making excuses for him. You encourage him. That's my crime? I encourage my son?? No. You baby him. He's a man and he needs to act like it. And he can't do that if his mother's still making his bed. Will, it's homecoming. Try not to ruin it for him. I'm ruining it? Bye. Kevin, don't you walk out on me! I'm a man. I'm acting like it. Hey! We're not finished here. One day you're gonna get your *** kicked, and there's a part of me that's looking forward to it! Do you hear me?! Kevin ! And we're ready to begin. Mr. Girardi, if you would start by spelling your name. Mr Girardi ? Will, you ok? Need a minute? No, I'm ready. Spell your name for the record. GIR ARDI. I want sugar and I want it now. The latest expose? Did somebody double park? I'm writing stuff down for the deposition. Wait. Were we supposed to prepare? I thought we just show up and say yes or no. That's your job. My testimony is gonna count for a lot. Well, that's good, because I'm the dumb one. Fast times at arcadia high. Guess I'm still just dealing with Judith. I failed my physics test. Failed. I've had D�s before, but once you see that "F," it's like a whole other part of the alphabet. Why are you even taking physics? 'Cause I'm into quarks and stuff. Because of Adam. He's such a brainiac. I feel like I'm supposed to be one, too, because he deserves a girlfriend who's as smart as he is. Are we actually talking about stuff? It's not even 8:00 yet. You can't do things to impress other people. Yeah. And nothing in our society encourages that. No singing. Sorry, but sometimes life is good. Not in here it isn't. Is this about your "F"? Is this about the playboy magazines in your underwear drawer? So what if you don't make ivy league? Is it really that big of a deal? I mean, if George Bush is any indication right. But I want to go wherever you go. I mean, that's still the plan, at least, right? Sure. Yeah. I'm thinking second tier, you know? University of Texas, Austin. A lot of great filmmakers came out of there. Wes Anderson, for example. I could do Austin. We could learn how to two-step. You know what I think about? How much Judith is missing out on all this. Miss Girardi. Mr Price is ready for you. Ok. Wish me luck. Watching the PDA. Good luck. Try to remember who you are, Joan. Coyly stated by the almighty. Remember who I am. That's my assignment? It's easy to get derailed when confronting your future. Try to stay grounded. And stand up straight. I didn't create you to slouch. Go. Wait. You know my future, so why do I have to go discuss it with Price? That free will lecture just doesn't land with you, does it? Ahem! Growing old and dying in here, ms. Girardi. Works for me. Ms. Girardi, I've received Mr. Tuchman's evaluation. You've listed one of your major considerations for your destination of higher learning as "weather. " I'm not good with cold. You failed your first AP physics test. Physics is hard. Look, why don't you just tell me what schools you think I have a shot with. My first choice would be university of Texas, Austin. U. T. Is a fine school. Unfortunately, they do have as one of their admissions criteria evidence of brain activity. But I got straight B�s last semester. Mm. You were somewhat farther down the musical scale the year before. WellI mean, that was my old school. I was I was different then. There's a reason they call it a permanent record, Ms. Girardi. Any 4-year college is out of your range. . I'm recommending Arcadia community college. No, no, no, no. I'mI I can't stay here. I'm going wherever Adam goes. Adam Rove is a gifted student. He has a promising future. I'm sure you don't want to hold him back. Good day, ms. Girardi. So talk to me. I was deposed yesterday. It brought a lot of stuff up. I don't feel comfortable talking about it. Ok. Just thought I'd ask. I'll redo the reports. That's not the point. The night of the accident it was homecoming weekend. Kevin and I had been sniping at each other all day. He was walking out the door and I said, "you're gonna get your *** kicked, and I'm looking forward to it. " That's the last thing I said to my son before he was paralysed. So you're guilty for being human. It was a horrible thing to say. People say horrible things to each other all the time. Saying it didn't make the accident happen. As my ex-husband was going out the door, I yelled after him, "and I hope your" kind of a John Bobbett moment there, you know ? I mean, you get mad, you go for the weak spot. I really think you can let yourself off the hook here, Will. How's Helen dealing with this? I didn't tell her about the Kevin thing. I didn't want to upset her. I think that was probably a good idea. She has enough. Still waiting to meet her, by the way. Not quite convinced she's real. We'll have you over for dinner soon. Oh, well, don't get carried away. Nobody's gotta cook. Well, wewe like it at our house. Thanks for listening. Thanks for talking. Mrs. Girardi, we're asking you to revisit the evening of November 9, 2002. Are you cognizant of the events on that evening? Yes, I remember the night my son was paralyzed. I know this is hard. Can we skip the false concern? Keep your eyes on the prize. Helen Sorry. What was the question? Did you speak with your son while he was at this homecoming party? No. My husband did. Are you coming to bed? Eventually. Good game tonight. He broke some nice tackles. He called from the party. He'll be back by midnight. I'm trying to let him grow up, Helen. I don't want to argue with you. Go to bed. I'm worried about his attitude. He acts like there's a free ride waiting for him. He's a good-looking, athletic kid. There's nothing wrong with him enjoying that. He relies on it. That's not how the world works. And aren't we supposed to prepare him for the world? That's only part of the job. Do you think you might be resentful because he has some things that you didn't? Excuse me? Resentful of my own son? You are all over him. Nothing is good enough. Talk about letting him grow up. How's he supposed to do that with you breathing down his neck? My job is to turn him into a man, period. What kind of a man? A man who hates his father? I'm going to take a shower. Yeah, you do that. I don't forgive that statement. I'm not asking you to! Are you gonna get that, Will?! Will ?! He talked about Kevin. Your husband went up for a shower. The doorbell rang. And then what, mrs. Girardi? The police. Ok, this time I mean it. You're going to start running again. I'm going to set my alarm for 5:30. Not in this bedroom you're not. Well you want me to get old and fat? As long as you do it with me. Did you buy something expensive? Mm I had my deposition today. And I was remembering how horrible I was to you right before the accident. No, you weren't. I remembered something else. Right before the cops came to the door I had this vision this image of Kevin lying on the ground in the rain. I saw it. What do you think that was? I don't know. Oh, by the way, I'm going to invite Lucy to dinner. I was thinking friday. It's what you do, Helen. You invite the boss over. We had Roebuck over. That's what you do. I mean, if friday's a big problem It's not the day, it's the person. Well, maybe you could meet her before you fully commit to hating her. So after I feed her, then I can hate her? With complete abandon. It's some kind of breakdown. It's because of Judith. Which is kind of sweet. It's not about Judith. It's about Price. He needs a sport for Harvard. Hmm. It's curiously appealing picturing him in maroon and white. Is everyone having a breakdown? It's college, man. It's like we're all possessed. Price told me I have to put in more hours in the design studio if I want to get into Stanford. Stanford ? I thought you were going to Texas. He said for what I want to do, Stanford. I got a shot. That's on your short list, right? yeah. Yeah, of course. What if all this time he's had an inner warrior? Holy future Friedmans! Walk it off, Harvardian Back in the saddle! I have to go. Are you ok? Yeah, I'm fine. Jane. Hey, Jane. I will not sing. I will not wear a dress. What ? Those are the terms. So you're saying yes? And it has nothing to do with that asinine threat. I will do all the breaking up around here. Got it? Absolutely. Hi. Uh how much of my future can I get for $5. 00? Well, it's a slow day. Sit down. You can sit here. Thank you. Ok. Mm-hmm. Mm. That's funny. What ? They�re blank. What does that mean? Apparently you have no future. Technically speaking, no one does. Oh, God ! That�s me. You heard of string theory? I'm failing my physics class, remember? A quick tutorial past, present, future, all co-existing, in different dimensions, with different rates of vibration. Great. How about college? Oh, the future's not fixed, Joan. Its very existence is determined by the choices you make in the present. Ok what are you saying, I shouldn't worry about the future? The best way to affect it is by bringing your consciousness to the moment. Oh, you're like a walking refrigerator magnet. Well, I'm just saying that that's where all the action is. It's the only place you have any real power. Your wig is, like, from Cher's reject pile. Are you aware? Don't forget about the present, Joan. It felt like a normal night. Uhyou know, Joan and I got dragged to the game to watch Kevin play. Thenof course the endless talking about him in the car on the way back. I'm used to being ignored. You know, the youngest and all. Hand-me-downs. Used toys Luke ! Back to point. Right. It's not therapy. Not that I need therapy. So, um anyway, I was engaged in some kind of academic pursuit. Hello ? Hello ? Hello ? Dr Howell, Dr Fine, Dr Howell. Dr Howell speaking. I'm fine. So am I ! It's your fault. Start talking. Give me. Get your own. Get your rank feet off of me. Physical violence, the favourite tool of the intellectually impaired. Want it, need it, getting it. That is a baby toy. It's a ram-air traction kite with rip-stop nylon, mid-range action ratio I don�t forgive that statement. I'm not asking you to! They better not get divorced before next week. You're always thinking about yourself. It's my birthday. You, you, you, you Yeah, right. As if anything in this house matters except Kevin. I know. How do you fix it? Are you gonna get that, will? Can't. We'll just have to put our scarred psyches to some productive use. Will ?! No Joan Donne ! Mom I have to go to the deposition now, and um, well, since I have to tell the truth, I thought I would start here. Oh, God Promise not to freak out. Speak. I failed my physics test and I don't have a shot at a 4-year college. Bye. Price ! Mom, see, this is what freaking out looks like. Did you tell my daughter that she has no academic future? Ahem. Mrs. Girardi, if you would like to make an appointment Did you use the words, while speaking to my daughter, "no future"? She was paraphrasing. Paraphrase this. I'm in no mood for you and your soul-destroying tactics right now. My entire family is being deposed in a lawsuit, I'm behind in my work, and I have to feed my husband's horrible boss tonight, so just cut the crap and account for yourself. Did you tell my daughter she has no future? I see her options as limited. See, I get that you are disappointed in your own life. I don't blame you. But this girl hasn't abandoned her dreams yet. And so to try to steal that from her, to try to rob someone of their future, I'm pretty sure you go to hell for that. Tell her you were wrong. Tell her. I might have overstated. Thank you. That was awesome. You study harder, get your act together. You are going to college, because there will be no more casualties in this family. Hey, we're home. Something smells good. Any more garlic, the paint would peel. Lucy Preston, my boss. Helen Girardi, my other boss. That line never gets old. Never does. Hey. It's nice to finally meet you. Yeah. You too. Oh, thank you. You didn't have to. Can I get you a glass of that? Um, actually, uh, scotch, if it's going. Oh, it's going. Uh, I hope this resembles food. I've been dealing with a deposition, and I had to yell at the vice principal today. I told Will, I mean, you know, cooking is not necessary. I could have picked up a bucket of chicken on the way. Oh no it�s fine. I'm happy to do it. Let me, uh, let me chop something. I'm good at that. Ok, yeah. So Will's quite a guy. No way could I do this job without him. This lawsuit thing you're going through, man, that's that's ridiculous. Will says you're religious. That must come in handy. I was raised southern Baptist, but, uh now I'm just pissed god doesn't exist. I think that's enough. Tomatoes. Yeah. Ok. We'd all gone to the game. We won. And, uh, this guy, Richard Gould, flirted with me. That's what I was thinking about. And then then when we got home, um, Luke and I decided to watch TV, and the doorbell rang. What ? What is it? The drive seemed really long. I was staring at everything going by, like it was all new. Or like I'd never see it again. I remember thinking, this is the moment when my whole life changes. It's like everything before this and everything after. I remember praying, but I don't know who I was praying to. I didn't believe in God. I was bargaining, telling him all the things I'd do if he let Kevin live. Then I looked at my brother Luke. He was counting on his fingers. You have to understand, he's a math genius and he was counting on his fingers. That's how screwed up he was, but I didn't feel sorry for him. I wanted to kill him, because I knew he was counting the days till his stupid birthday. He'd been talking about this dumb kite, like that was something to get excited about. I'm sorry to interrupt. He wanted a what for his birthday? A kite. And his birthday was when? November 19th. Oh, my God. You weren't talking about the present. You were talking about the present. Unless it was both. I bet you it was both because that's what you do. I'm back on the record. We should go ahead and eat. The kids are scattered all over the place. No telling when they'll be home. Where are they? Um, Joan had to be deposed after school. Kevin is going to be deposed after work. Oh, these kids today and their depositions. That must be Luke. Just in time, buddy Hey. Oh, Luke, you brought Grace. Uh, Luke, this is dad's boss Lucy Preston. Our son Luke and his friend Grace Polk. Study partner. That's not lasagne. Nope. Mom's leg of lamb. Grab a seat. Lucy ? I'm not hungry. We have a lot of work to do. And he's the easy one. . Uh, I was fighting with my girlfriend. That's why we left the party. Um she Went to the bathroom, and, uh, I took that as an opportunity to duck out. Had you been drinking? Uh a little. I had a beer. I wasn't much of a drinker. Had Andy been drinking? Yeah. But I don't know how much. To your knowledge, was Andy drunk when you left? I was about to make a move on Dee Dee carter. You owe me large. Hey, let's go to Webster's. He's always got a college girl. Kevin ! Kevin, don't you dare walk out on me! Hey ! What kind of guy walks away from a girl, huh? You're mad. We'll talk about it when you've calmed down. No ! If you leave now, it's over. Hey, isn't it enough that you cheated on me? Look, we're not married. I trusted you. I loved you. That doesn't matter at all to you? II can't get into this now. We'll talk tomorrow. I'm not gonna be here tomorrow. They always say that, man. I know. Andy, give me the keys. Why ? I only had one beer. This is my dad's car, man. You're not insured to drive it. He'd kill me, man. Besides, I'm fine. Andy. Keys. Come on. Kevin, if you say "keys" one more time, I swear to God, I'm gonna buy you a sundress. All right. Kevin, buddy. Trust me. Ah. So Luke and Grace really are in the garage. I thought mom was having a mini-stroke. What are you doing in here? Studying. Noyou're not studying. You're pouting because everybody forgot your birthday. Wouldn't you? Yeah, but it's the deposition. So it's all about Kevin again. So, that makes it ok ? Dude. Just take it easy on them, ok? When they remember, they'll feel so guilty, they'll buy you a car. Didn't have time to wrap it. The kite. I never got it. Yeah. Well it's only a few years late. Sue me. I got you something, too. Our secrecy contract. Did you like her? Like her? Well She's me. She's you? Yeah. If I were shorter or political or didn't have, you know, a soul. I can't believe you're threatened by this woman. I'm not threatened by her. I justdon't understand why you tell her everything about us. I don't tell her everything. She's my boss. We talk. Oh, my God Oh, my God ! It's ok. It's not. It's just not. It's my fault. It doesn't matter. Sweetheart, it does. Ok, it does, but it you know things came out of it that I didn't see coming. And I'm really happy now. 'Cause, you know we're all here. And Grace is here. . And Joan remembered. And Kevin is ok. And I'm gonna have a lot of birthdays. Besides now you guys have to buy me a car. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, son Hey, come on, Squarepants! Let's get this thing in the air.