Gorillas in The Mist

(upbeat march plays) ♪ Good morning, USA. ♪ ♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ ♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪ ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ Aah. ♪ Good morning, USA! ♪ (laughter) Ah. Who's that funny for? I'll tell you who it's not funny for. The busboy. Is kind of funny. Announcement. Since y'all are like my closest friends in the world, I wanted to invite you to my houseboat this Saturday. I'm flattered. You're so generous and your feet are adorable. The best part is, spring break starts this weekend so the lake is gonna be crazy. I thought we could make "*** Gone Nuts" T-shirts to get girls to show us their tay-tay's. Check it out. Supplies, bi-atch. Oh, yeah. (funeral march ringtone plays) Aw, damn it. It's the "dad phone." Oh, that reminds me, I have to check my "sad phone." (recording): You have zero messages. I don't believe this. Francine caught my son trying to ditch his PSAT prep class so he could go to the zoo. Sorry, guys. I've got to go handle this. ***, will you decorate my T-shirt? You got it. He likes yellow, brown and green. He used to like red, but lately he said he's over it. Mmm. That's a shame. Red's great. I think red stuff looks amazing. Steven Anita Smith. I told him to sit in his room until you got home. I figured you'd want to do the punishing. And I figured you would have vacuumed the plant gravel out of the trunk of my car by now. So, Big Shot tried to go to the zoo instead of his PSAT prep course. I know it was wrong, but my friend Wilson said he could get me into the new gorilla habitat. I am suspending all your TV and video game privileges. And from here on out, I will personally be taking you to and from every PSAT course. You're being so uncool. Hey, I'm not here to be your friend, Steve. I'm your dad. That's why your number's in the "dad phone" and not my "friend phone." "Friend phone" conversations go like this: "What up, Jackson? Of course I want to hang out and ride ten-speeds or whatever." "Dad phone" conversations go like this: "Aw, damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it. "I'll come home and handle it. "I don't know, in five minutes. "We gotta get the bill and figure out how much I owe. "I can't stiff these guys just because my son's acting up. "Honey, that's not fair. "I told you I was going out for a drink this morning. "Yes, I did, in the kitchen. Maybe you weren't listening. "Look, I gotta go. You want me home, right? I can't come home if I'm on the phone." Happy? Now I'm in trouble. (country music plays) I-I don't understand it. They play three chords and whine about their lives and the crowd goes nuts. You gotta listen to the words. Country music comes from the heart. It comes from the ***. Right in the middle of the ***. Watch, anybody can do it. Ladies and gents, our next performer is new on the country scene. Give a warm welcome to Mr. Cuss Mustard. Thank ya kindly. ♪ I love drinkin' and race cars and big ol' fat women ♪ ♪ And Jesus is awesome, he rose on Thanksgivin'... ♪ Oh! Oh! You, I saw you. Don't you talk about... ♪ I eat Funyuns and Tater Tots ♪ ♪ I kill squirrels with my gun... ♪ Okay, God, I'm finished. What happened? They hated me. You can't fake country music, Roger. It comes from a lifetime of pain and hard living. I want some of that. Then by next ***-Tonk night I can have a song that blows everyone away. Hat rack. How's your life? Unbearable. Perfect. Will you marry me? Sure. Screw it. (horns honking) This is all your fault. I'm supposed to be with my friends on the houseboat. You don't have to keep picking me up from PSAT class. No, I don't? What do I have to do, master? (upbeat ringtone plays) Hello? Stan, where are you? We're ready to cast off. I'm caught in traffic taking Steve home. Reginald's not gonna hold the boat much longer. He's doing the little dance he does when he's impatient. (singsongy): We gotta go! Just bring Steve with you. You have to hurry. (sighs) I'm on my way. Close your eyes, Steve. I don't want you to see me drive like this. (tires squealing) Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Ah! (sighs) (laughing) It's not funny. Is kind of funny. (tires squealing) Let's go, let's go. I got Ziplocs for everyone's wallets. We already saw a girl. Just give me a second, fellas. You're staying here. I've got no time to act like a parent today. Leave that running. I don't want you to hear anything we say out there. Our words are not for you. Aw, man, what's up with Frank and the schedule? Aw, Frank. Son of a... Frank. I missed my kid's birthday for this. Frank! (dog barking, chickens clucking) (barking) This is it. Kids, come meet your new daddy. It's perfect. We're poor, we've got too many kids, it stinks to high heaven. This'll inspire one hell of a country song. Just need a macchiato to get me going. Where's our espresso maker, dear? The what? Nyoo, thank you. REGINALD: Yeah, there he is. Yeah! (laughter) (laughing) Steve, what the hell are you doing outside the bathroom? Jackson came in to doo doo and let me out... after he was done. I'm better in front of somebody. Steve just told the most hilarious filthy joke. You have to hear it. I'm not going to share a dirty joke with my son. It's inappropriate. Stan, it's just a joke. Lighten up. (sighs) Fine, one joke then back in the bathroom. Okay, here goes. So a man with a tickle in his throat... ...and the donkey looks him straight in the eye and without missing a beat says, "Purple hat." (laughter) Okay. What's wrong, Stan? You didn't like it? Actually I thought it was very well-crafted. The perfect combination of dirty and smart. It was really quite elegant. Well, why aren't you laughing? Because I don't share laughs with my son. There's nothing wrong with laughing, Dad. I said I don't need to laugh... Purple hat, Dad. (chuckles) Steve, Steve, stop it. I'm not doing anything. It was the donkey. He said, "Purple hat." Don't you mess with me. It's okay. It's okay. (quietly): Purple hat. (stifled laugh) Purple hat. That's what was said. (whispers): By the donkey. (laughing) For God's sake, get this boy a T-shirt. Put that shirt on that boy. Attaboy. (loud crash) (cheering) (slurring words): Steve, you don't know how... how glad I am to be done with all the father-son crap. It's buddy-buddy from here on out. That means... so much to me. Look, look, I'm taking you out of the "dad phone" and I'm putting you in the "friend phone." (slurring) It's official. Oh my God. Thanks, Dad. What? You-you can call me Stan. REGINALD: They got me, y'all. Watch my boat. (car doors closing) That was amazing. You... you are super fun, man. (slurring words): You're fun. I love being friends with you, Stan. Hey, let's make some nachos. Melt some queso. Yes! Hey-hey-hey, knock, knock. Oh, are you doing a knock, knock, knock, knock joke? Yeah, yeah, you just made me think of it. Knock, knock. Who's there? Queso who? (high-pitched farting) 'Kay so I farted. (laughing) Yes. Hey, you want to wake up early tomorrow and go for a run? Oh, definitely. You want to say like 7:00? 7:15, to be safe. There you are. What time did you and your dad get home last night? He wouldn't even budge this morning. Uh, don't know. It's kind of blurry. Good Lord, you smell like a brewery. Did your father let you drink beer last night? Umm... (sniffing) (smacking lips) Ugh, you have been drinking. Stan! How could you let Steve get drunk last night? It was a mistake, Francine. I wasn't thinking straight. I was with my friends, we had some drinks, we were on a boat. I was... I was boat-notized. Boat-notized? Oh, like ship-notized? Ship-notized? That means nothing. Look, look, I told Steve to stay away from the adult activity, but he disobeyed me. What?! Stan, he needs to be punished. Oh, don't worry. He will be. Dad, I don't understand why I'm in trouble. Dude, dude, dude, Francine's lame, all right? It's cool, we're cool. Wait, so you're not gonna punish me like Mom said? Come on. We're boys now. Bros before hoes, my man. Brothers before *** all day long. And Mom's the *** in that situation? All day long. (calypso music playing) Hey, what happened to being a country singer? Oh, living the ***-tonk life was too hard. I'm doing calypso dancing now. I don't blame you. The woman you ran off with was a mess. Did she have a tattoo of Burt Reynolds on her stomach? WOMAN: No, she didn't. It's Victor from The Young and the Restless. You're coming with me, you son of a ***. We're married. You gotta a family to look after. Oh, oh, sorry, no. No, you've got me confused with someone else. I'm a Caribbean dancer. The name's Calypso Banana Puffy-Sleeves. You call yourself whatever the hell you want, but you're my husband and you're coming home with me. Hey, Maurice, I'm gonna have to cancel on you today. Sorry to make you drive all the way down here. Hey, no problem, Mr. Sleeves. (playing calypso music) (music playing) ♪ ♪ Sometimes I think music is the one thing that can save the world. Sometimes I think Francine fakes her orgasms. Well, through the wall, it sounds like you're slaying it. Thanks, man. What's going on in here? Me and Steve are just hanging. Is that supposed to be part of Steve's punishment? Hey, Stan, you think Mom's mad or do you think she's just faking it? Nice one. What does that mean? Nothing, dear. Inside joke. You wouldn't get it. Apparently she never does. Hi-yo! (children laughing) Stop running! I'm trying to get the baby to sleep! What are you looking at? Don't look at me. (snaps fingers) You need a kick in the head? Screw it. Naydern, I'm, um, I'm gonna go get some cigarettes. That's the same thing my ex said, and he never came back. Okay, relax. You're right. Oh, my God, tornado! My daddy never came back 'cause I shot him. (upbeat ringtone plays) Shello. Dude, what are you up to right now? Boring work. You need to tell Bullock you're sick and come meet me at the zoo. You're at the zoo? Shouldn't you be at school? Wow, you sound like a total dad right now. No, no, I mean, I'm just saying... Look, today's the final day of this amazing gorilla exhibit. Don't be lame. I'm not lame. If you're not lame, then meet my *** down here. Fine, I'll meet your ***. I'll meet your *** right now. That's what I'm talking about. (deep voice): Peace. Wow, that was an awesome way to get off the phone. I said, kill them! Kill them all! Yes, yes, them, too. Also them! No, not him! That's me. Idiots. What is it?! Sir, I-I'm not feeling so well. Oh, no. Oh, my God, Stan. Oh, I'm so sorry. I hate that. Come here. I wish it were me. I wish I could just absorb your germs and make my body fight them. I-I think I'll be okay if-if I just go home. Absolutely. Whatever you need, just get better. It makes me so angry that little viruses can just traipse in here and treat your body like a playground. It-It's all right, sir. I should be better by tomorrow. I just... I just feel so helpless, you know? It's really not that bad. Have we displeased you, Almighty God in heaven?! Do our lives mean nothing to you?! (sobbing) All right, Stan the man's here! Told you I'd be here, didn't I? Who's this guy? That's Wilson. He's a total dirtbag. Dirt a-bag. Wilson's gonna give us the keys to go inside the gorilla enclosure. Isn't that amazing? I thought we were just gonna look at gorillas. I'm not going in there. And honestly, Steve, I don't think you should, either. That's weak sauce, Stan. Do not enter that sauce in the county fair, because it is weak. I'm going solo, Wilson. Let's do this. Wow! It's even more amazing than I... (gorilla grunting) What's happening, Wilson?! (laughing) Look at that silly gorilla! It's not funny, Wilson! (panting) (grunting) (panting) Is kind of funny. (sighs) (grunting) I don't like this! The zookeeper's here, Steve. Everything's gonna be okay. Whoa, I never said everything's gonna be okay. That's a gorilla. I mean, how could you let your son go in there? I didn't let him go in. Look, what happened was, I was at work and he told me to meet his *** down here, so I met his *** down here. (sucking) (muffled): What's he doing? Can't you shoot it with a tranquilizer or something? Yeah, you know, if we do, he could seize up and crush the boy. We need to wait for Bobo's personal handler. Unfortunately, he's at a matinee right now. I hope he picks up. (cell phone ringing) Hello? (sighs) Is it an emergency? Shh! When was the last time Bobo ate? Shh! (groans) That long? Oh, this isn't good. Excuse me, some of us are trying to watch this ***! (all gasp) (children laughing) NAYDERN (knocking on door): You better not be sleeping in there. Dog's scooching on the floor again; you need to squeeze out his butt hole. Just a minute, baby. (dog barking) (dialing) Hello, 911? You let go of me. I never touched that son of a ***! Yes, you did, Naydern. She said she was gonna scissors off my hog. We want to go with our mama! Sorry. You kids are gonna be split up and placed in foster care. Wait, you can't keep them all together? No way. We'll be lucky to find them any homes at all. (children crying) (siren wailing) CHILDREN: Rocky! (engine starts) ♪ ♪ (shrieks) Looks like you've been through some hard times. Actually, I was fine until I saw that face of yours. It's painful just to look at you. (gasps) Oh, my God. I think I understand country music! (guitar playing) ♪ I saw the ugliest woman I ever did saw ♪ ♪ Face like a turnip and an under-bit jaw ♪ Yeah, man, tell it how it is! ♪ Inbred from inbreds, then inbred again ♪ ♪ If ugly was pretty, then she'd be a ten ♪ That sounds just like my wife! ♪ She was so damn ugly ♪ ♪ So I got drunk and (bleep) her in my trunk. ♪ Good night! (applause) Hold tight, Steve, the handler's on his way. You've been saying that for 20 minutes! Steve, I'm coming in to get you! That's enough, Bobo. (grunting) No, Bobo! (roaring) (panting) Chill out, Bobo! (funeral march ringtone plays) Hello? Hi, Stan, just checking to see when I can expect you home. Oh, normal time. Everything's normal. W-Why would you ask? Oh, because you and Steve are all over the news right now! According to sources, Langley Falls resident Stan Smith, quote, "Got his *** down here," end quote, to meet his son on a school day. You better hope that gorilla kills you before I get there, Stan. Oh, God, what do I do?! It's a simple waltz, Steve. One, two, three, one, two, three. Bobo, I need you to let these people go. Bobo's handler! We're saved! Not exactly. He just said he wants the boy to stay with him tonight. I don't want to die from gorilla sex! Looks like there might be a threesome, Steve! That's, uh, Rex, Bobo's father. I'm his handler. He said, "What do you think you're doing, son?! You woke me up!" "I'm just playing, Dad." "Look at all the commotion you've caused. "You think you'll get into a good "captive-breeding program acting like this? Get inside right now!" "But this boy's father's letting him play." "You call that man a father? No respectable parent would let their child in here." Hey, for your information, Rex, my son and I work better as friends. "I'm sure you do. "Friends don't have to worry "about discipline or setting an example. "It's easy to be a friend; "that's why kids have lots of them. "But a father-- our kids only get one of those. "Who are we to take that away from them? "Now, come along, Bobo. You're grounded for three moons." "I love you, too, Dad." (applause) (sobbing): Oh, Daddy, if you're watching, I forgive you. Hey, Tank, ain't that your boy? What? No, no. That's not my kid. That's my son. (techno music playing) He seems pretty cool. How crazy was that? Put your fist away right now. Uh-oh. You're making up all the schoolwork you missed today, plus extra credit. Yes, sir. There you are. How dare you... Lie to you and lose all control of my son? I'll be able to think about that long and hard while I'm cleaning the gutters and buying you a diamond bracelet, won't I? Uh, yes, you will. Damn right, I will. I'm going straight to the most expensive jewelry store I can find to buy the most expensive bracelet they got. How much for that? Nope. Bye! Have a beautiful time.