Scrubs S8E4 - English Transcript

Life's great. With the janitor fired, I can walk the halls without fear. I don't even hesitate around corners any more. But maybe I should. I-can-feel-a-little-JD-five? No thanks, Todd. But I can and I want my five. Plus, Elliot and I were better friends than we've been in a long time. We were going to movies. - I really liked that. - Oprah produced it. We were going out to dinner. My salmon was great. You know, Oprah owns that restaurant. And on weekends, when I had Sam, she even came over for breakfasts. I could make pancakes, or we could have Oprah O's! And check this out. Who wants to eat some cereal? That's funny. That's it? Not only did I rig this box, but I got Whitney in payroll to tape her Oprah voice. I've been working on this joke for over a week, and all you can muster is a little chuckle? Who wants to eat some cereal? Stop! Who wants to eat some cereal? Broken. Who wants to eat some cereal? Stop it! - Who wants to eat some cereal? - Stop, stupid box! OK. So, I'm going to add a little pressure now, sir. It's allright, it's perfectly natural. That was you. Yeah, I know. But it's still perfectly natural. Lovely. It's your own fault. You're the only attending who sticks around for an entire exam when he calls for a surgical consult. Why is that? No reason. Oh! So you don't want to say. That's cool. I know you know hate that I call Carla "baby" all the time, so I'll just call you "baby" until you tell me. - Does that sound good, baby? - Don't do that. Oh, what's the matter, baby? Look, surgeons always want to slice people open whether it's the best option or not. No disrespect, but you're just not that bright. You have no idea how to do anything else. Unfortunately, sick people are also very very stupid and will almost always agree to anything that a blood-letting corpse carpenter such as yourself tells them. I simply stay in the room to make sure they make the right choice. So you don't trust me? Uh, that's right. That is an easier way to say it. Baby! Baby! There he is, right on schedule. Maybe it was the free muffins for life, but Dr Kelso still hangs out here every day. Morning, everybody! Morning, Bob! I'm like Norm in this ***. Ted finally said what we were all thinking. Why are you spending your retirement hanging around the place you use to work? It's so sad. By comparison, it almost makes my life seem No. Still sad. Yeah. Seriously, don't you have anything better to do? Come on, people. I've got tons of stuff going on. I golf, I play gin with the boys. In fact, I am just here to stock up on muffins. Donnie, four roadies please. Today, Enid and I are leaving to go spend a weekend in wine country. Of course, you know how Enid complains. Any place I take her is "whine" country. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Anyway, keep my table warm. Adios. What are you doing? That's the sound I hear in my head whenever people leave. Whatever. I will see you after work. You should really hesitate before going around corners. I was thinking that earlier. Hey, since that Chief Doctor person that fired me is gone, I'm back! Yay! I knew you'd react that way. And since Jimmy, the overly touching orderly, got his job back too, I took the liberty of telling him how much you missed him. I missed you too. - What's new ? - Nothing, man. You seem a little clinched. Found a treasure-trove. Where's the gold? Take my little pickaxe, and get to it. - OK, don't. No, no, no. - Wiggle worm - This is wiggle worm. - I'll get my own gold, thank you. OK, welcome back. Why ? See you later, buddy. Hey. Have a good one, guys. No, wait. Something's wrong. What is it? It's Dr ***. He's all up in my business and Dr ***! Hang in there, bear. How did you know that he was hurting? Did you like hear it in his voice? With Turk, I can always feel it from his soul, like a wave of heat. Are you going to make a joke about how gay that sounds? Definitely. I just don't have the words yet. Well, let me know. Hello, folks. I'm Dr Christopher Turk. You're right so far. Continue. Mr Halford, Dr *** tells me that you're in need of a new kidney. And I understand your wife wants to be the donor. So, what do you say we run some tests and see if she's a match? OK? Dr *** said you are the best surgeon here, so I'm fine. Right on. See you guys later. I don't understand. If I'm the best surgeon here, how come you're always looking over my shoulder? Oh, give me a break, would you? Saying someone is "the best surgeon" is like saying someone is the smartest cast member of The Hills. Let's face it. It's just not that tough to float to the top of the surgical toilet. Take your fellow-cutter, The Todd. Now, he's also deemed competent enough to perform a kidney transplant on that gentleman right there. Yet observe. Say, Todd? What's for lunch today? I'm not sure, bro. This time, I'll just move my lips as if I was speaking and his tiny surgeon brain will tell him the glass is now just too darn thick to hear through. Can't hear you through the glass, dude! - Wow! - Wow what? It's true, you're back! I'm so happy. You don't look happy. I don't smile a whole lot. And lately when I try to, it hurts. But trust me. I'm happy. Return of the king, huh? Yeah. I can't tell you how much I've missed having you around Jimmy, I'm really not comfortable with that. Jimmy, downstairs. No problem. See you guys later. I'm gonna have to teach you his command words. Awesome! I'm starving, there's a Coffee Bucks up there. - Let's grab something. - I got it. The only way that moment you had with Turk could have been any gayer would be if you two went home and actually made love afterwards. No. Elliot, stop! You know I automatically picture any visual image someone puts in my head. You can't do that, it's embarassing. But not as embarassing as this. Dr Kelso? Aren't you supposed to be on vacation? Crap. Thanks for tagging in for me, Teddy. I really need to ease myself back in. Mopping is not like riding a bike, that's for sure. No problem. Hey, Dr Turk. Did you see who's back? - Hey. - I know, right? Oh, that sucks. What? - It's my kidney transplant patient - I apologize. I said "What?" but I meant "Move it along". By the way, what happened to the janitor they hired to replace you? We're going to have to let you go, Marv. But, stiff upper lip. - I'm sorry, Dr Itor. - Call me Jan. I heard he quit. Mopping's hard. You're working against yourself there. Go faster. I bet you can't wait to call all your friends and tell them how pathetic I am. Actually, sir, we young people are more into texting these days. JD, be sensitive. Don't act like you're at a ping pong match between a ninja and Bigfoot. I know that made no sense, but he's totally there now in his head. Look at his eyes. Look at that. He should be out for a while. I just have lot more free time than I thought. Enid and I were going to travel all over the country, but we don't have cash right now. Elliot, stop doing that! Who won the ping pong game? The sasquatch. Then Turk and I took him to a carnival to celebrate. Man, that hairy *** loves funnel cake! Amazing. Now it's time to split before he shares something so personal that we're trapped here forever. We should probably get going. Last thing I expected was to be an old man with no idea what the hell to do with his life. Tom, I'm sorry but Darcy was not a kidney match. So we need to get you on the transplant list right away so we can find a new donor. Wrong. You didn't even hear what I told them. What did you tell them? - Well, I basically told - Wrong! Great news, folks. I had occasion to speak with Dr Quinlan here. Anyway. Do you see his kidney patient, Mr Brinkley? It turns out that his wife is not a donor match for him, either. And in the coincidence of the day, she is a match for you sir. And you, Mrs Halford, are a match for him. We do the old switcheroo, and everybody wins. So when would I get my new kidney? Mr Brinkley has been in dialysis for quite some time, so Darcy, whe're going to have to get him your kidney just as soon as possible. And Tom, we'll schedule your surgery for next week. Look Dr Kelso, leaving any job is tough. I-- I remember when my cousin got fired from her job, she was so depressed because it was the only salon in town, and all she ever wanted to do was cut hair. Here it comes. Both Dr Kelso and I had heard enough of Elliot inspirational stories to know that they invariably end with someone killing himself. But, then she moved. Uh. Maybe not. To a better place. Or maybe so. Look, give yourself a little time. You'll figure out how to be happy, I promise. I'm never ready for half the stuff that people say. Whether it's an answer you didn't expect. So how did you get hired back? I didn't. Technicly, I don't work here. A shocker from a patient. We've been talking, and We don't want to trade kidneys with the Brinkleys. We'll go on the transplant list. Or this. Thanks. I really appreciate you two trying to cheer me up. Actually, that wasn't unexpected. But, this was. Well, it's nice to see you two dating again. It was time to demand an explanation. Why would you think we're dating? Why won't they do the kidney switch? If you weren't hired back, why are you here working? I'm not. You are. JD and I are just friends, Dr Kelso. I mean, we just like hanging out together. We rent movies, go on hikes. On Sunday nights, we do our laundry together. Did you know that Elliot's granny *** are actually her granny's ***. It's just one pair, JD, excuse me for being sentimental. So, basically, you two do everything a normal couple does except to have sex. Exactly. Sounds awesome. Pardon me, I had nine coffees in two hours. Time to drain. Oh! It's a new shirt! Hey, do you ever still think of me in that way? What way? You know. In a *** way. Sometimes. Do you ever think of me that way? Sometimes. Put your shirt back on. I'm just flipping it so you can't see the stain. And then I finally said it. Do you think maybe we should talk about us? Maybe we should. And just like that, it was as if we were off in our own little world. My guy needs a kidney now. Why wouldn't the Halfords say yes? Because they're in no rush. Plus, the Halfords don't know the Brinkleys. So they don't trust them. We're screwed. Awesome. In The Todd's world, if anybody gets screwed, it's a good thing. Of course it is. Look, I'm here because I want to be here. But don't worry. I'm going to get my job back. Oh, good! What's your plan? I just told it to you. I'm here, therefore I will get my job back. You're making my head hurt. We both know that's not me. That's from when you were a baby, and a marble fountain fell on you. Sometimes, my mom kept my crib in the driveway. Mine too. But I live my live by a very specific credo. Everything works out for me. There is no way this works out for us. The Halfords are stubborn people. I got an idea. If the Halfords don't trust the Brinkleys to come through for them, we can just do the surgery simultaneously and take trust out as an issue. That guy is such a jerk. Don't worry, he can't hear me through the glass. You want me to go first? Elliot, I've never been able to get over the idea of us. I'm still crazy about you. I don't really know what you want me to say. Maybe you could tell me if you feel the same way? Yeah! Maybe you could say it without sounding angry. But, JD, you crushed me. I mean, I gave you my love, and you threw it back at my face, and pretty much scarred me romanticly. I mean, now I'm doomed to a life of gravitating to safe boring guys that I don't really love. And I'm repelled by the ones I care for deeply. So, thank you for that. Look, if it helps, you hurt me too. Really? There were so many times I wanted to be with you so badly and you shut me down. Like when we first met, huh When you wanted to be sex buddies. Oh yeah, but that's when I felt work so overwhelming, - And I - Blah blah blah blah blah. I'm sorry, we've just been down this road so many times, you know? Seriously, does even talking about it just make you hate yourself a little bit? I can't tell from just doing the normal amount of hating myself, or if I'm at a slightly higher level of self-loathing. You're too *** yourself. No, I'm not. I'm just stupid and ugly, and I have a pig face. JD, we're just back here again because we're both lonely and neither one of us have had any physical contact for months. I've had physical contacts. With who? All the energies are in you, I'm just opening the channel. Here it is. Here it is. I'd rather not talk about it. Looks like everybody got through with flying colors. Congratulations there, Gandhi. Your ability to bring people together is very powerful, much like Gandhi. That means a lot to me. Because I'm just so desperate for your approval. What-- What's his problem? Is he still mad at me? Maybe. I can't be sure. The Brinkleys never gave the Halfords a reason to be skeptical. Life would be so much easier if everybody just trusted each other. We have so much history. - Most of it bad. - Yeah. How can we ever get past that? - We can't. - Oh, good. That makes me feel better. But maybe, we could remember all our pit falls like a road map. Maybe, this time, we could avoid all the drama. We don't have to be that couple where one of us says they're moving out of town, the other one have to rush to the airport to stop them. We don't have to argue about whether or not we want to break. You watched the Friends marathon last night, didn't you? I did. I loved it. The point is, Elliot, you're a lot stronger than you used to be. And I've changed too. I have a beard now. Do you still let that inner voice of yours control you? This is getting too serious. Kick her. Kick her in the head. Not as much. Paycheck time, everyone! Come on, Whitney. I like it when you do it like Oprah. Fine. Who wants to get a paycheck? You got a paycheck, you got a paycheck. You got a paycheck! You got to go, man! Everybody's going to see when she doesn't have a check for you. It'll be humiliating. Look, you can't just say things are going to work out, and then they do. - That's not how the world - Excuse me. I didn't get mine. Who are you? I'm the janitor. See? Actually, I'm the old janitor. I replaced the janitor that replaced me. So, I'm still in the system. I'll go get you a check. Didn't mean to cut you off, Ted. You were saying? Mop it off. Mop it off. Mrs Winter, this is Dr Turk. He's going to give you an exam and explain all your surgical options to you. One second. Hey! You're leaving ? Please, don't make me have second thoughts by asking very stupid questions. So what, you trust surgeons now? No, I trust you. I know we're talking, but it still feels like we're being so careful, you know? We're just scared. I made so many mistakes in my life because I was scared. It's the reason I bailed when you said "I love you". - It's the reason - Blah blah blah blah blah. OK. But I am scared of ending our friendship. What if I get hurt again? - What if you pick up a new STD? - For the last time, that was not an STD! It was a urinary tract infection, and I got it from having sex with you in a pond. Yeah you did! I tell what else I don't want to deal with. All the judgements from everyone else. Dr ***, Jordan. Even Turk and Carla. I mean, it's almost enough of a reason not to do anything. Hogwash! Excuse me? That ridiculous drivel you just said. But who am I to talk? Here I am, eating some kind of a banana nut sawdust muffin, and hiding out in this crappy excuse for a Coffee Bucks. Who the hell cares what anybody else thinks? Just look into your heart, and do whatever the hell makes you happy. That's right, Ted. I'm back. I love it here. Donnie! Moist. Elliot and I were tempted to take Dr Kelso's advice. Because often when you do it, it makes you happy. Things have a way of working out. Actually, I normally get paid twice this. My mistake. I'll be right back. But it also occurred to us that you can have the best intentions, you still fall back into old habits. Shhh. Get out of here. So I guess, the real answer is that there is no easy answer. You just have to go for it, or not. This seems like a good idea. Who cares? I'm just going to need to engage my legs. Alright. This is just to brace you. You're a wizzard. We're just gonna work this out. - Let it flaw out. - Flaw. - Let it flaw out. - Flaw. - You like that, don't you? - My god, help me. Jimmy, I do. - There it is, let go. - Deeper, please. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.