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what is it? That is partridge stuffed with wild rice and currants.
Chicken.
It is game! This is a beautiful partridge.
It's chicken, take it away! (Archie Goodwin) That afternoon, i had all of Nero Wolfe that i could stand.
I wasn't blaming him.
We were two months into the great meat shortage.
The boys overseas needed the rations and there was nothing left for the loyal home front.
But to Nero Wolfe, a meal without meat is an insult.
(doorbell rings) Your name's Goodwin.
Thanks, how much do i weigh? My boss wants to see Wolfe.
Your boss wants to uh, just a minute.
What is it, a mouse? Uh, no, no, sir, no, you have a visitor, and since he's one of our most famous citizens you may have heard of him, dazy perrit latest title: King of the black market.
Just i think he's got a gun.
Then he's damn silly.
I want to speak to Wolfe now.
Wolfe wants no part of it.
Now, i'm not laughing it off.
People who laugh things off with you end up at funerals, playing the lead.
I realize that, but it's just confound it, Archie.
If mr.
Perrit wishes to see me, invite him in and his friend.
Archie, wait in the kitchen.
Archie? Yeah, you got a problem with that? No, it's a perfectly fine name.
Now, we normally park our visitors Archie likes the kitchen.
If he likes the kitchen, he likes the kitchen.
I don't like it in here.
Why don't you come out and sit in my car with me.
We'll talk there.
Well, my good man, i do like it here.
I rarely leave my home, and i would be an idiot to leave this chair, which was made specifically to fit me.
You might make some exceptions.
I would be a good exception to start with.
Well, let us compromise, mr.
Perrit.
Uh, perhaps you would prefer the, um, the front room.
The front room? The front room follow me.
Yeah, this is nice.
Less stuff.
Good.
Before we begin with your business, uh i'd like to, uh, discuss a small matter, if i may? Uh, i understand that you are an expert in a certain field.
Presumably, you know how to, uh locate certain things and know how they may be procured.
I am a respectable and virtuous citizen, but like everyone else, i have my smudges.
What do you want, a slice of the rackets? No i want a slice of beef.
Beef? I want meat to eat.
Meat? Lamb, pork, veal.
Mr.
Wolfe, i'm not a butcher.
Good quality meat.
Did ya hear what i said? I'm noher.
I know.
I'm not into beef at all, but i'll see what i can do.
Ring lincoln: before 10 in the morning.
Ask for tom and use my name.
Did you get that, Archie? Did you get the number? Yes, i'll write it down later.
Thank you, sir, thank you.
Now, on to your business.
Well, i need help.
The occupational hazards are relatively high in the detective business, and in any activity connected to you, they are substantially higher.
Now, the combination of the two would be inadvisable.
I don't often ask for help.
But when i do, i get the very best there is.
You're it, mr.
Wolfe.
It would be foolish for you, sir, to entrust your secrets to me, when i cannot properly there's 50 "c"s to start with.
I'm beailed and i want it to stop.
It's my daughter.
I must ask you to stop speaking.
Mr.
Wolfe, that's one thing that nobody in the world knows except me.
And another thing, my daughter is not really my daughter.
Yeah, hold it, hold it.
He just said he didn't want to hear about any of this stuff, i don't either, and what's wrong with a plate of spaghetti? Listen, i got a real daughter.
Born 21 years ago.
Now that's two things that you and your man here know that nobody else knows.
Now i got a job i want you to do with her, too.
Ng? Now i got a job i want you to do with her, too.
Goi i must excuse myself, mr.
Perrit.
I spend the afternoons upstairs with my plants.
Sit back down! If you so much as poke m in the stomach, i will plug you.
You doing with that thing in your hand? I realize this is probably a little corny to you, now that any serious t i also k argument anyone has ever had with you it has never been worked out with any tool but a gun.
The two of you, you're crazy as bedbugs, you're goin' bananas.
Mr.
Perrit, if you insist on confiding your troubles to me, i suggest you tell them to mr.
Goodwin, and i will phone you this evening, or in the morning.
(Archie) Wolfe kept dazy on the hook so he could have some meat.
We would have to fix it so dazy's real daughter would not be revealed and his fake daughter would stop the blackmail.
I expected him to pull out a wallet and start showing me snapshots.
He didn't, but he fed me lots of details.
My daughter had her second birthday, my wife died, and i pulled three years in the hoosegow.
When i got out, i started getting prosperous, so i went back and dug her up in missouri.
Rest of the family glad to see you? I didn't ask, i just told her i was a friend of her father's and he wanted me to take care of her.
So she doesn't know who she is? No, no, no.
She thinks her father's a wealthy man and can't reveal himself.
Sure, sure, like maybe he's going to be elected president or something like that? Hey, everything was working out fine.
Y'know, i could see her every three months, then she decides to go to school here in the city columbia.
That was great, until this knucklehead, thumbs Meeker, *** everything up.
Thumbs Meeker got his name on account of his favorite method of getting information from reluctant people.
He had his hands in whatever dazy perrit didn't: So, between the two of them, they pretty much ran new york.
I just stopped by to say, if your daughter ever needs a little favor, all you gotta do is ask.
Daughter? I never took you for a family man.
What are you talking about? What daughter? Come on, you got a daughter, she's in college.
Do i look like a man who has a daughter? You calling me a liar? You go slow.
Put a muzzle on tatchet-man.
Let me loose on him, boss.
No, that's okay, Fabian.
What's wrong with you? You want to start an incident here? You got some bad information.
I don't have a daughter, and if i did, she wouldn't be in college.
You forget i know you, perrit.
You got aspirations.
You want eveg the best.
She'sht now learning which spoon to pick up with her fork.
(laughing) (Archie) Had meek attacked your daughter, or just heard you got one? Nah, he just heard, but that was enough for that rat.
Well, that gives him a bad hold over you.
Forget me.
The thought of him even near her my little girl.
Did i tell you she's at Columbia? (dazy) She's studying to be a doctor.
She wants to change the whole public health system.
They're all panting to keep up with her.
She's leavin' 'em in a cloud of dust.
Now, i got better brains than any man i ever met, but where she's concerned, they don't work.
I rented a penthouse off fth avenue, and i brought in a girl there to play my daughter.
Her name was angelina murphy.
She was on the jump in salt lake city on a cleaning and rolling charge.
I figured i had enough on her to keep her mouth shut.
Her name as my daughter was violet perrit.
I figured, with thumbs, if he saw my daughter living there, he wouldn't go looking for her in any other places.
Then the little *** used the pliers on me.
What? Your skirt's too short.
Yeah, yeah, and i got bare arms, too.
I told you look, bub, i ain't no college kid, all right? I ain't going to columbia.
Have you been going through my mail? No, it was a lucky guess, but thanks.
A week before christmas, she asked me for a thousand bucks, over and above her allowance, and then, well look, i got it right here, written down.
So, she's nicked you for 25 grand.
Why didn't she have, uh, an accident? How would thumbs Meeker dope it out if she disappeared? Then he'd start looking for her all over again, right? And beulah would be in danger.
I can't have that.
Well, then you are stuck with an expensive daughter.
No, no, i'm stuck with a glutton and a fool.
Last night she hit me for 50 grand.
Well, mr.
Perrit, why don't you try something short of curtains? You think i've out with a smile? No, no, i don't.
That's just for a start.
I'll pay what it's worth, and it's worth plenty.
(sighing) Hehe won't touch it.
He's just as stubborn as you are.
And the two of you, you are like two peas in a pod, like two racecars, little box cars you know what, you talk too much.
The words weren't much, but the tone hit me in the spine.
It was the voice of a killer.
By the time dazy perrit was ready to go, he had spent nearly an hour giving me information about beulah page, the name of his real daughter.
Dazy also made arrangements for violet perrit to be in Wolfe's office at midnight.
I want you to be here by 100.
But i got theater tickets, and the four of us got a table at "the tropicana" for the late show.
I don't care what you've got! You get your jiggly *** over here by 12:00.
Don'.
(Archie) When Wolfe came down from the plant rooms, i made a full and honest report.
If you'd like to know the facts, i'm scared stiff.
Do you think we might call that number tonight? Well, i think it would be useless to use it if dazy isto be our cli ent.
Indeed.
Get the daughter.
The daughter? Which one, violet or beulah? Miss page, get miss page.
I don't even know he has a daughter.
But i want to see her.
At the very least, i want you to see her.
(ringing phone) Hello? Hello, hello, hello.
Yes, may i speak to miss beulah page, please? Talking.
Say, are you a preacher? No, ma'am, i'm not.
Name is stevens, harold stevens, from the dayton community health center.
May i have a moment of your time? Certainly.
Only it's too bad you're not a preacher.
We're getting married, we've just decided.
You know, i was just calling i wanted to tell you about the wonderful work we're doing here, at the dayton community health center.
Say, how did you know i was interested in health work? Because you've been a geNerous donor to various, ah all right, come on ahead.
Come over and come on, come on ahead.
Lit, not plastered, but lit.
You know, i have a better idea, miss page, why don't you let me help you celebrate with a betrothal dinner? I happen to be in manhattan right now.
Why don't you come down? He happens to be a famous man with a famous chef.
Come on, who is he? Well, his name is Nero Wolfe, he's uh, the detective.
Yeah, he saved my life once that's right, on a *** ge.
Morton, we're gonna have dinner with Nero Wolfe.
Miss page.
Mr.
Schane, you are (Archie) Beulah and morton Schane arrived at 6:30 for another meatless dinner, which is what got us into this mess in the first place.
I'll take it from here, mr.
Brenner.
With pleasumr.
Stevens.
He didn't want to come.
I have to study for an exam.
On the night we get engaged.
Well he said i was maudlin on the phone, and maybe i was, but he shouldn't have got me so drunk.
Now, wait a minute, who made the cocktails? Aw, don't be a party-pooper.
Just, ah to my surprise, Wolfe had a good time.
Beulah was one of the few women he'd ever dined with who could keep up with him.
Actually, the most impressive flower i've ever seen was an open rafflesia.
Ah, corpse lily in full bloom.
Four feet across, harold.
How lucky for you.
I suppose so.
But it smelt terrible.
Well, that's only because you're human, madam.
If you were a black fly, for instance, you would be attracted to the smell of rotting meat.
You have an amazing range of knowledge, mr.
Wolfe.
I don't really know anything except law.
That's the truth.
He thinks lawyers are the guardians of everything, from social conventions to moral righteousness.
No, no, not righteousness, right.
I hope, morton, that you are aware of the fact that most people do not like lawyers.
(laughing) I don't.
Lawyers are insufferable word-stretchers.
I had a draw up a tort for me on ce.
It was a rather simple conveyance.
Took him 11 pages.
Could've been done in two.
Have they taught you to draw up torts yet? Naturally, sir, that's in the course.
I try not to put in more words than necessary.
Well, for god's sakes, in the future, make it brief.
In the future, make it brief.
I will.
Mmm.
You know, you're a swell guy, mr.
Stevens.
What do you think of this? Drive beulah and and we'll get m arried.
How's that for an idea? Well, i think it stinks.
What? Why? Because it does.
I may not have a father or mother or aunts or uncles or cousins, for that matter, but it doesn't meant that i need to sneak off to maryland in the dead of night just to get a husband.
Well, i thought it was romantic.
No, i want flowers and white things and sunshine, if i get a break.
Not cramming ourselves into a car with poor mr.
Stevens.
Very well, then, if you don't want to get married, i'll go finish working on my test.
Fine, then you can take the subway home to your work, and mr.
Stevens and i will go somewhere and dance.
Now, wait a minute, hold on a second here.
First of all, we're about to get married and i don't for a minute, it looked sticky.
But the law student filed objections, motions, and demurrers.
And it ended happily with them taking the same taxi home together.
E call our client? No.
No.
No? It would be nice to give him something.
I mean, his daughter being engaged is nothing colossal, but it's fresh.
Of course, now that she's met me she doesn't want Schane at all.
I'll have to get out of it somehow.
I can't very well explain to her that i don't want dazy perrit as a father-in-law we have something far better than that for him.
Yeah, we do? Um-hmm.
What, did something happen while i was out? No, while you were here.
Evidently, you missed it.
Oh.
(sighing) I'll just get back to these.
(clearing throat) (ringing doorbell) Ah, violet perrit.
Now, dazy perrit, he said that we should call her miss murphy.
It'll upset her.
Right.
You like it? (chuckling) Miss murphy, you are getting money from mr.
Perrit by threatening to disclose the existence of his real daughter.
That, of course, is blackmail.
Wha i can't believe my ears.
Dazy perrit telling anyone i'm not his daughter.
You find it difficult to believe, miss murphy, because you have misjudged his character.
You didn't stop to consider that his strongest feeling, stronger even than his feeling for his daughter, is his vanity.
He cannot, and will not tolerate anyone's ascendancy over him.
In short: He can't stand to have you *** him.
Yeah, balls.
So, where do you come buttin' in? Mr.
Perrit has made the same mistake you did and misjudged a man's character mine.
Henceforth, miss murphy, whenever you get money from mr.
Perrit, above your hundred dollars a week, you will give me 90% from it or the salt lake city authorities will come and get you.
Aw, for the love of do you think i'm that dumb, huh? Does dazy think i'm that dumb? I give you the money, you hand it over to him, and he gets off cheap.
Now wouldn't that be sweet, huh? No.
You got me all wrong, mr.
Wolfe.
You see, i got what it takes.
It takes guts to make dazy perrit fork it over.
I was at the theater tonight.
But you'll notice i'm wearing sleeves, hmm? Archie.
I can't really tell.
Could be fingers or a fist or he might've used something.
Put your shirt on.
There's more.
Shirt on.
But you're gonna have to pay to see those.
I took it, mr.
Wolfe.
I told him, you hurt me enough, and i am gonna spill plenty where it's gonna do the most good.
And now he thinks he can get away with this lousy runaround? Nuts.
Well, you may be right, miss murphy, but what if i'm acting on my own hook? You would discover it too late.
Yeah.
He told you to say that, didn't he? No, he didn't.
Of caution:'t.
Word if you disappear, mr.
Perrit might decide not to find you, for obvious reasons.
But i wouldn't.
If you disappear, i will find you.
I am fully as vain as mr.
Perrit.
And i will not be diddled! My god, is he fat.
Y'know, luckily, you don't have to boost the pot right now.
You got time to sleep on it, and you probably should.
Shall i take you home, miss murphy? Tell you what why don't you just cith the "miss murphy", huh? You can call me angel food.
Sure, sure, angel food.
(Archie) A ride in the car would give me 20 minutes to sell Wolfe's plan, and if i couldn't, i could ensure that she wouldn't blurt it out to dazy, as there was no way of telling how violent his reaction might be.
Miss murphy.
Angl food.
Yeah, but i don't like angel food, though.
How about maple delight? It doesn't matter, though, anyway, because you are sunk.
Mr.
Wolfe is a hyena, a vulture, a jackal.
Your voice goes right through me.
I won't even need a drink first.
How about not being so greedy, huh? Why don't you tell dazy the gyp is out, right? You are merely his loving and obedient daughter.
It's just that it would be nice if that c-note he gave you once a week were up to three, how about that, huh? We'll leave the car here, and i'll come down later and give you a ride home.
(screeching tires) (shooting) (woman) Call the police! All right, hang on there, angel food.
It's sh-shame what? It's sh-sh-shame stay with her.
(ringing phone) Who is it? It's Archie.
I brought her home a guy in a car drove by started shooting.
I did not get the license.
She is dead.
I'll bet that *** perrit decided to get her and use us for proof of something and get off of that phone now.
Archie! What? Fritz, bolt the door, let no one in.
And call saul panzer.
Tell him i need him immediately.
Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Rowcliff is one of the reasons i doubt the world will ever reach universal brotherhood.
It just doesn't seem feasible, as long as opinions like mine is dazy perrit holed up in Wolfe's house? Ah, good lord, no.
It makes my teeth chatter just thinking about it.
And did your teeth chatter yesterday arranging things with Wolfe? Lieutenant, i knew a man once, who insisted on hunting ducks with a shotgun.
It knocked him flat on his prat every time he pulled the trigger.
He seemed to love it.
You know what, you kind of remind me of him.
Oh, yeah? Well, if Wolfe had nothing to do with this, why didn't he come to the door? Why don't you try him tomorrow morning? He comes down from the plant rooms around 11:00.
Good luck tonight.
As i walked home, i did some useless wondering.
It was a cinch that dazy perrit had decided to erase her, but why drag Wolfe in, not to mention me? Being pulled into the affairs of Meeker and perrit wasn't taking a risk, it was checking out, with the date of the departure the only thing to be settled.
It's late, but i felt you would want to start immediately.
I have a friend who has his own lab.
The friend in washington? Yes, if i get that to him before the start of the business day, he's always prompt with the results.
Speed is of the utmost importance.
i decided to forget perrit.
The guy i really wanted to shoot was Wolfe for having opened the door and inviting perrit in, all in search of a spare rib.
I want to talk to you about tonight.
My car is right there.
Uh, yeah, uh let's talk here.
I often talk to people right here.
Get going.
Uh, i like it here.
Look, uh, even if i had ideas, which i don't, i emptied my gun.
See, my gun's empty.
(rapid firing) (man) Look out! Get out of here.
Ah, gee, Fritz.
Archie! Oh my god, did you, did you kill somebody? Archie! What the devil is going on? I, i know you're probably expecting an apology for interfering with your sleep, but there are two corpses back on the sidewalk at the corner.
I got to call the 19th precinct.
Will i get any sleep tonight? (ringing phone) Nero Wolfe's.
Archie, it's saul.
I need mr.
Wolfe.
Saul panzer.
Ah, good.
Archie go up to your room and look at your face.
It needs washing.
Yours would, too, if you spent the night rolling around on sidewalks.
Just go up and wash your face.
So i'm out of it? Well, at the moment i have nothing to discuss.
Yeah, well.
Oh, uh, if you really want something to do, um no, perhaps it would be futile to call that number, lincoln 6-3-2-3-2, about the meat.
No, he's mr.
Perrit's dead.
Don't ask me, i'm out of it.
(ringing doorbell) Yes, saul.
At 4:00 a.
m.
, Rowcliff and his army assaulted the brownstone.
Wolfe refused to come down, taking the strategic high ground.
This is a hell of a thing.
Why, uh, mr.
Wolfe, why can't we meet downstairs? Why you wish to see me at all is an exercise in faulty logic.
A block from where i am sleeping, why am i associated with the event? Uh, still it it's a hell of a thing.
Well, get, get your notebook out! Sharpen your pencil! It's almost dawn.
Sit down, please! Violet perrit and the blackmail and nothing about beulah page.
From the way they acted, i could tell they knew dazy's friends and compatriots would not let his death go unavenged.
Wolfe and i were prime candidates for the avengees.
Nothing more to say, fellas, that's it.
It's all right there in your book.
Told you evething.
(Archie) By the time Wolfe emerged from the plant rooms, he had a visitor.
I wouldn't have picked l.
a.
Schwartz to be dazy perrit's lawyer for one thing, he wore old-fashioned nose pinchers for glasses, which didn't seem to be the thing.
Well? In the past, i have attended to a few little matters for mr.
Perrit of a purely legal nature.
I know law but, on accout, i'm not a successful lawyer.
Now, last evening, he called me at my home he never calls at my office and asked me to meet him at the "7-11 club".
He wanted me to draw up papers there in his presence, and it took a while i'm not very fast on a typewriter.
Can you be concise? That you had not explicitly given your assent, and, therefore my assent? My assent to what? Your appointment as executor of his estate and, in effect, the guardian of his daughter.
Did you? Utterly preposterous! Uhh, i was afraid of that.
It will complicate matters.
There is a question of whether the $50,000 provided if the execu ah.
Tell me about it.
Last evening, he asked me to meet him.
Schwartzy, i need you to get me a will or something so that i can leave my i want my daughter to be protected.
Can you do that? Daughter? I wasn't aware you had yeah.
Look, here's the birth certificate.
And that's legit, and so is the marriage license.
And these are the bonds i want her to have.
These are these are worth a million dollars.
Can you fix these papers so that her they don't mention her name, it's not on 'em? Well, it's extremely difficult to convey property to a daughter without mentioning her name.
Schwartzy, you can do it.
Now, i want Wolfe to be the executor, okay? I sized him up good.
He's the one.
He knows who she is.
I trust him.
Mr.
Perrit, this is highly irregular, even for a person like you.
If you pull this off, there's $50,000 in it for you to be paid to you by Wolfe 'cause i want him to be the executor.
I'm not gonna die, but you never know, do ya? What if i do? She's got to be protected.
She's got to get what belongs to her, and this does.
I want you to leave it up to Wolfe whether to tell her about me or who i am or not, okay? He'll know.
I sized him up good.
And i trust him, okay, schwartz? I understand there may be some reluctance.
Put them in the safe.
If a wall street bandit is able to dispose of his loot as he wishes, why shouldn't mr.
Perrit? So you accept? I do.
Ah, one detail, if i may? With the daughter dead, how do you propose to perform the functions of your office? That, sir, is my affair.
I see.
Another detail, if you don't mind, then? Your assistantoth miss per rit and mr.
Perrit were killed and he was not injured.
Now, when it becomes public knowledge that over a million dollars has been entrusted to your hands, mr.
Perrit's former associates will draw certain inferences and will kill both of you.
That is likely.
(ringing phone) Then how will i be paid? Nero Wolfe's office, Archie Goodwin spea i want to talk to Wolfe.
Nero Wolfe speaking.
Your name, please! No names.
I'm sorry, sir, i never speak to people without a name.
Have you ever heard of a man named Fabian? Oh my, yes.
So have i.
Is he a friend of dazy perrit's? He would say so.
He's his bagman, his hatchet, his trigger.
Mr.
Fabian, i never make appointments outside my home.
Why don't you come to my office, say at 2:00 today? Good.
Oh, good heavens! He is the most notorious t-to invite him to even let him in.
Well, if he has drawn the sort of inferences you fear, my own office is the only safe place to meet.
(ringing phone) Nero Wolfe's office, Archie Goodwin speak you said your name was harold stevens! I saw your picture in that paper and that man who was killed, i know him! Shh hold.
Uh, it's the friend of the law student.
Yes, well, we might as well get it over with.
Invite her for lunch.
Tell her to come to the back door.
Why don't you come for lunch today, saround 1:00? (Wolfe) And, mr.
Schwartz, if you wis $50,000, i will expect you to come back at 2:00 for my meeting with mr.
Fabian.
Do you know what a hypothetical question is? Certainly.
Well, let me put one to you.
Suppose these things that your father has made available to you, a considerable sum of money, that he cannot ever disclose himself to you and that he has put it wholly within my discretion whether you should be told his name.
Now, supposing all that, here's what you must think over: Do you want me to tell you his name or not? I don't need to think that over.
That is an impulse.
It's not an impulse.
Good lord, it's not an impulse.
I, i want to know.
Hmm.
Mr.
Dazy perrit.
I knew it.
The devil you did.
I knew it when i, when i saw in the paper that he had died, l (sobbing) Good god.
I knew it.
Why don't you have the sense to leave like he did? (ringing doorbell) Why, inspector, did Rowcliff lose his notes? No, this is just a friendly call.
How are you? I am the way i always am just before lunch.
Hungry.
Mm-hmm.
Well, enjoy it.
Thanks for telling Rowcliff about perrit's daughter being wanted in salt lake.
She had about And she wasn't perrit's daughter at all.
I just thought i'd tell you that.
And i suppose you might want to add some last words.
No i, l no.
Nothing at all, huh? Nothing.
Like the job you took on for perrit? Okay, all right, well i didn't expect anything.
Enjoy your lunch.
Yes, thank you.
Don't bother, ay out.
Well, at least i heard that before i die.
What, what? Cramer.
He just told you to enjoy your lunch.
Yes? Yeah, you know why? He thinks the only guy you should be talking to is a priest.
It was, in effect, an obituary, wasn't it? Yes.
If i were a sentimentalist, i'd be touched.
(ringing phone) Nero Wolfe's office, Archie Goodwin Archie, it's saul.
Yeah, hold on.
Saul panzer.
Well.
Yes, saul, i'll need you here earlier than expected.
Yes.
You can join us for lunch.
I'm on my way.
Wolfe may have enjoyed his lunch, but i sure didn't.
I couldn't help compare it to the prisoner's last meal.
No matter how good it is, it's difficult to taste it.
We'r guests at 2:00.
Now, you can either leave or go to the plant rooms.
Beulah can, but i don't like the way things look here.
Who are these guests you're expecting? One of them is a gentleman named Fabian.
The other, a lawyer, l.
a.
Schwartz.
Are they connected to beulah's affairs? They are not connected with miss page.
They are connected to her affairs, yes.
Well, then, i'm going to stay.
Her interests are soon to be my interests, and i, uh, i want to see that they're protected.
No, i, i don't want him.
Miss page, your name will not appear in the conversation.
So there's no reason why morton should not stay if he feels compelled to.
(ringing doorbell) Well, i, uh, see you've fortified your courage.
Come on in.
Ah, mr.
Fabian.
I presume you two know each other.
Yeah, yeah.
You're perrit's shyster, which way? Mr.
Fabian, good afternoon.
I'm Nero Wolfe, how do you do? Mr.
Schwartz, you may go to the office and make yourself comfortable.
We'll be there shortly.
It is part of legend that you go nowhere unarmed.
Are you armed now? Yeah, any objections? Not at all.
Come, sit in my office.
I must apologize, sir, first for appropriating a few moments of your time.
And, uh, you have, no doubt, come here to avenge the death of your employer.
Now, you should have first say in what (Fritz) No, no Archie, Archie! You better lift 'em.
(thumbs) Not here, not now.
Who gave you the steer? Nobody.
I am here on business.
Lift 'em up! Tommyrot! This is preposterous! I mean, besides, you two, there are five people here in this room.
Now, if you shoot him, mr.
Fabian, what do you expect to do? Shoot all of us? Nonsense! And who the devil are you? What are you doing here? How dare you barge into my home like this! That's thumbs Meeker, sir.
Since the death of your client, he is also known as the mob boss.
Okay, i thought to myself, before i die, at least i get to hear Nero Wolfe bawling out thumbs Meeker for barging in unannounced.
Well, confound it, what do you want? It's bad policy to allow a civilian to get away with assassinating a boss.
It makes for a bad mood.
And you think i killed dazy perrit? Am i a half-wit? Your man was with violet pow.
Then he's with perrit pow.
And it is known that perrit put you in charge of a bundle, so what else can i think of? Mr.
Meeker, now that you're here, i suggest that you stay.
When you entered, i was about to tell these people who killed mr.
Perrit and his daughter.
Now, first, the police know that the young woman who was killed last night was not his daughter.
Go slow.
If you please, sir, no power on earth will keep me from telling this properly.
What they do not know is that he actually has a daughter.
I know who she is and i know where she is right now she's upstairs looking at my orchids.
That's a lie.
She doesn't think so.
Mr.
Perrit entrusted her interests to me and i intend to guard them.
Mr.
Perrit was keeping her identity concealed.
And when you tried to find her, mr.
Meeker, d for a young woman and when you tried to from salt lake cityr, ange to come to new york city and live with him as his daughter.
Go slow! Nonsense, sir! But, after six months, she violated their agreement and began blackmailing him with the threat that she would disclose the truth if he didn't pay.
He paid.
He paid, not once, but five times.
Harassed beyond endurance, dazy perrit came to me for help.
He told me many things.
But he did not tell me that the young woman he'd hired to play his daughter had an attachment to a young man from salt lake city.
That he had come to new york city maybe surmised from the fact that miss murphy began demanding money (Nero) From mr.
Perrit.
From her the young man learned the identity of mr.
Perrit's real daughter, and he calculated that his highest expectations, in the long run, would be realized through the real daughter and not the counterfeit one.
So, he masqueraded as a law student named morton Schane that's a lie! That's an utter lie, and i'll sue you for slander.
Soon as i've passed the bar, i'll file really? And when you do so, will you write a tort to go along with it? What? What have you got on him? And i asked you if you had learne and you said you had.
A tort is a crime, it's not a document.
Any law student would know that.
This is ridiculous! How can you sit there and say the real question is, why? Why did you shoot and kill miss murphy and mr.
Perrit? Merely to get them out of the way since the real daughter was now betrothed to you? Possibly.
But more probably you had become aware that dazy perrit was on to you.
You'll eat all this, you fat, lying son of a ***! I'm going.
You got anything else? Yes.
Because he was clearly not who he claimed to be, i had my chef save his wine glass saul? And i confirmed, through the f.
b.
i.
, mr.
Schane's criminal association with angelina murphy in salt lake.
(shooting) "The district attorney has decided "not to charge Meeker or Fabian, because all the witnesses said that Schane shot first.
" Yes plus, saul's bullet is the one that lodged in Schane's pump.
I like it.
But i would also like to make it clear that, uh, i know the reason why you had schwartz here.
And you know what that reason is? You wanted a witness here so that you would not be charged with incitement to crime.
Shut up.
Yes, sir, in about an hour or so.
I'm trying to read.
When Schane forced his way in, you began ad-libbing.
You figured that with Fabian, saul and me here, we'd plug him before he had a chance to plug you, that's what you figured.
I suppose you have to get this out of your system.
Yes, yes, i do, i do.
But i'd like to be fair, too.
I got one on me.
We have had a delivery.
Yep, i got one on me too.
And you want to know what it is? You remember i told you that when violet was just about to quit there, she struggled to get out, "it's a shame, it's a shame.
" Ha! No, i mean, what she really was saying, of course, was, "it's Schane, it's Schane.
" Yes, so dropped that one.
Yeah, hereafter, i will wash my ears better.
Yes, you should wash your ears better.
Yes.
My ears will be washed better.
No! (ringing phone) Nero Wolfe's office.
Yes, may i please speak to mr.
Harold stevens? Ah, will anyone else do? You might.
You see, i was trying to decide where to go to dinner, and l well, don't say another word.
Meet me at "riberio's" at 7:00, 52nd street.
You got that? Sure.
I am having dinner with your ward.
But don't jump to the conclusion that i'm thinking of marrying her.
I wouldn't want you to send Fabian or thumbs Meeker do my account, becau it is lamb chops.
Mm, lamb chops.
Good god, lamb chops.
Well, happy days are here again.
Yes, enjoy your spaghetti.
We shall rub them no, no, rosemary! No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Thyme! No, no, no, no.
Mustard yes, mustard, olive oil, ginger.
Yes.
And thyme! And thyme, yes! soundwriters™
