Red Eye Recorded May 14, 2013, Fnchd

>>> WELCOME TO "RED EYE." IT IS LIKE WALK THE LINE, IF I WALK YOU MEAN BILL DID. LET'S GO TO TV'S ANDY LEVY FOR A PRE GAME REPORT. WHAT IS COMING UP ON TONIGHT'S SHOW? >> DID THE IRS SINGLE OUT TEA PARTY AND OTHER GROUPS FOR EXTRA SCRUTINY? YES, YES THEY DID. THEY ADMITTED IT, SO I CAN'T DO THE WHOLE SOME SAY AND OTHERS SAY THING HERE. AND WHY ARE TEEN GIRLS SWARMING THE INTERNET IN SUPPORT OF ALLEGED BOSTON MARATHON BOMBER DZHOKHAR TSARNAEV? SOME SAY IT IS BECAUSE THEY ARE DUMB AND OTHERS SAY THEY ARE REALLY DUMB. AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE SEND BILL SCHULZ TO TIME SQUARE TO ASK ABOUT SEXTING? HOPEFULLY THEY WILL GIVE HIM GREAT ANSWERS. >> REALLY? >> NO, HOPEFULLY THEY ARE SO OFFENDED THEY HOLD HIM DOWN AND PUT A CAGE OVER HIS HEAD AND POUR A FUNNEL WITH BEES AND AS HE SCREAMS NOT THE BEES! AND THEN DRAG HIM TO 5 WICKER STATUE AND CHANTING THE DRONE WILL DIE. >> GO AWAY YOU SAD PERSON. LET'S WELCOME OUR GUEST. SHE IS SO CUTE THAT KITTENS HAVE A MICHELLE FIELDS CALENDAR ON THEIR WALL. I AM HERE WITH MICHELLE FIELDS. THAT'S HER NAME. IF THOUGHTFUL COMMENTARY WAS A GAS TANK I WOULD FILL HIM UP ON THE WAY HOME FROM WORK. HE IS THE AUTHOR, POLITICAL COMMON TATER AND BRIGHT BART.COM EDITOR IN CHIEF. CONGRATS. IN CABO HE IS CONSIDERED A SNORKEL. HE IS MY SIDEKICK, BILL SCHULZ. IF HILARITY WAS A PITCHING WEDGE I WOULD POUND HIM AN ANGRI IN THE SAND. SITTING NEXT TO ME, COMEDIAN JOE DEVITO. >> A BLOCK. THE LEDE. THAT'S THE FIRST STORY. FOUR OUT OF FIVE DENTISTS SURVEYED RECOMMEND NOT WATCHING THIS SHOW. >> THANK YOU. I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT THIS DELICIOUS GLASS OF WATER IS COURTESEY OF A VIEWER WHO NOTICED OUR GLASSES WERE STOLEN BY SOME EVIL WEIRD OWE THAT WORKS AT FOX NEWS. THERE IS A PERSON WHO WORKS HERE THAT STEALS GLASSES. I WON'T SAY HIS NAME, RHYMES WITH NEIL CAVUDO. YES, THAT WAS N INTERESTING CUT. I WANT TO THANK THE VIEWER, BUT I DON'T HAVE THE NAME. I THINK IT WAS A WOMAN. >> CHEERS TO HER. >> YES, CHEERS TO HER. >> THEY TASTE A LITTLE ARSENICKY. >> THAT'S JUST YOURS, BILL. WE WANT YOU TO DIE, SOONER RATHER THAN LATER. >> YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY THE LAST PART. >> LET'S DO A STORY. DID THE DEPARTMENT OF TAX TARGET TRI-CORN HATS? THE IRS MAY LOSE FAVOR AMONG CONSERVATIVES. THEIR CAMPAIGN TO VIGOROUSLY SCRUTINIZE RIGHTY GROUPS, AND THEY MESSED WITH ORGANIZATIONS FOCUSED ON GOVERNMENT SPENDING ON THE CONSTITUTION AND THOSE WHO CRITICIZE, QUOTE, HOW THE COUNTRY IS BEING RUN. THANKFULLY THEY IGNORED BY GARDENER STRIP CLUB ON EAST ORANGE. THEY APOLOGIZED FOR THE SHADINESS, BUT THEY SUGGEST THAT THE TOP BRASS KNEW WHAT WAS UP DESPITE PUBLIC DENIALS. ONE COMING MAN SAYS IT IS MUCH A DO ABOUT NOTHING. >> THE CONCLUSION THAT THE IRS CAME TO WAS THEY HAD AGENTS WHO WERE ENGAGED IN INTIMIDATION OF POLITICAL GROUPS. IT IS AS DANGEROUS A PROBLEM THE GOVERNMENT CAN HAVE. I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE A A CONSERVATIVE, A LIBERAL, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, THIS SHOULD SEND A CHILL UP YOUR SPINE. >> I SHOULD WATCH THESE SOUND ON TAPES BEFORE I COMMENT ON THEM. HE IS REALLY ANGRY. IF THE IRS AGENTS PLAYED POLITICS, DOES PRESIDENT OBAMA HAVE PATIENCE WITH IT? WILL HE TOLERATE IT? >> HAVE I NO PATIENCE WITH IT. I WILL NOT TOLERATE IT. >> GLAD I ASKED. MORE IMPORTANTLY, WILL PIGS TOLERATE BABY GOATS? >> LIKE I SAID, FIRST GAY MARRIAGE, AND THEN YOU WILL HAVE GOATS AND PIGS LIVING TOGETHER IN THE FARM. OUT IN THE OPEN THERE COULD BE KIDS AROUND THERE SEEING A GOAT AND A PIG TOGETHER AND WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO SAY? THAT'S NOT HAPPENING ON NOAH'S ARC. >> TECHNICALLY THOSE WERE KIDS. >> TEA PARTIERS, JOE, THEY ARE EVIL PEOPLE WHO DESERVE THIS, RIGHT? >> ABSOLUTELY. >> AREN'T YOU RELIEVED THEY ARE THE TARGET? >> IF YOU WANT TO SPEND SPRING BREAK IN CHECHNYA, OH, DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THAT. YES, THIS IS BAD. I THINK THEY ARE TRYING TO SAY IT IS A COUPLE OF ROGUE AGENTS, BUT WE DON'T BUY THAT. NOBODY IS GOING AFTER THE PROGRESSIVE GROUPS. >> THE NEXT STEP IS THERE HAS TO BE AN IMPEACHMENT AND SAY I AGREE OR YOU HAVE TO LEAVE. >> HOW DO YOU PUNISH THESE PEOPLE? THEY WORK FOR THE IRS. THAT IS THE ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU GO FROM HERE. I ACTUALLY THINK HEADS WILL ROLL. THE IRS HAS NO FRIENDS. NO ONE WILL BACK THEM UP RIGHT NOW. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. >> I WILL SAY THAT I AM A HUGE SUPPORTER OF THE IRS. I THINK THEY DO A GREAT JOB. THAT'S ALL I AM GOING TO SAY ON THIS FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. THE IRS HAS APOLOGIZED AND GOOD FOR THEM. NO ONE APOLOGIZES ANYMORE, JOEL. SHOULDN'T WE JUST MOVE ON? >> I THINK SO. I THINK WE SHOULD MOVE ON AND FORGET ABOUT IT. I WAS IMPRESSED AT THE PRESIDENT'S OUTRAGE. HE WAS SO OUTRAGED IT TOOK HIM THREE DAYS TO RESPOND AND HAD TO WAIT FOR THE REPORTER TO ASK THE QUESTION. I AM GLAD HE IS UPSET ENOUGH THAT HE DECIDED HE WILL EXPRESS HOW UPSET HE IS. >> BILL, YOU FILED TAXES THIS YEAR, BUT YOUR ONLY ASSETS WERE SOME TWINE AND A SIGNED HEAD SHOT FROM BILLY ZANE. AND THEN YOU CLAIMED A LOCAL SQUIRREL AS A DEPENDENT. >> I EXPENSED THE SQUIRREL. >> AND THEN IT HAD TO BE REMOVED. >> YES, AFTER IT WAS SHAVED PROPERLY. CAN'T EMPHASIZE THAT ENOUGH. GOING BAYING TO WHAT YOU WERE SAY -- GOING BACK TO WHAT YOU WERE SAYING, WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT IS A STORY HERE WHERE PEOPLE THAT ARE OPENLY CRITICAL OF THE IRS GOT SCREWED BY THE IRS AND YOUR DECISION, YOUR COLLECTIVE IDEAS ARE TO CONTINUE BASHING THE IRS. >> I CAN'T GET YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBERS. THEY ALREADY HAVE THEM. >> I HAVE A THEORY HERE. TWO SCANDALS ARE BETTER THAN ONE . THEN PEOPLE JUST -- IT SPREADS OUT THE OUTRAGE. BUT NOW YOU HAVE THREE. YOU HAVE THE IRS, BENGHAZI, THE AP BEING INVESTIGATED BY THE DOJ WHICH IS HILARIOUS BECAUSE THE AP LOVES THE DOJ. IT IS LIKE FINDING OUT YOUR LOVER HAS BEEN SPIEPPEDDING -- SPYING ON YOU. >> CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NEXT BRIEFING? WHAT IS THEIR NEXT QUESTION. WHY? WE ARE NICE TO YOU. >> EXACTLY. THAT'S THE THING. I DID MY LITTLE CHART. THE ONLY PRESIDENT IN THE LAST LIKE 40 YEARS THAT HAS ESCAPED SCANDAL IS HERBERT -- GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH. THAT'S BECAUSE HE ONLY HAD ONE TERM. SHOULDN'T YOU JUST MAKE THE TERM SIX YEARS? CLINTON HAD LIEU LEWINSKI AND WHITE WATER AND GW HAD IRAQ AND KATRINA. IT IS LIKE WHEN YOU STAY AT A BAR LONG ENOUGH YOU ARE GOING TO END UP DOING DRUGS AND SLEEPING WITH A ***. >> YOU CAN ALWAYS DO IT AT THE START OF THE NIGHT. WE TALKED ABOUT HOW OBAMA IS THE SECOND COMING OF JIMMY CARTER. HE IS LOOKING LIKE RICHARD NIXON TO ME. >> RICHARD NIXON WAS WHITE. I HAVE EYES. I CAN SEE THAT. >> YOU BARELY HAVE EYES. >> BUT I CAN SEE THAT. >> LET'S MOVE ON. FROM IRS TO OMG. THEIR LOVE FOR DZHOKHAR IS BIZARRE. THOUSANDS OF TEEN GIRLS HAVE TAKEN TO SOCIAL MEDIA TO PRONOUNCE THEIR UNDIEING AFFECTION AND INFECTION FOR DZHOKHAR TSARNAEV A HUGE PIECE OF [BLEEP] TREATING HIM LIKE BEEPER. FOR SOME HE IS TOO MUCH OF A LOOKER TO RIG A PRESSURE COOKER. ONE 16-YEAR-OLD LOSER TWEETED, YES I LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER AND I LIKE DZHOKHAR, BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHY I SUPPORT HIM. HE IS INNOCENT. HE IS FAR TOO BEAUTIFUL. THAT'S WHAT I HAVE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG. AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD KEEP IT BLUNTED, LET THE WORLD'S PROUD PARENTS KNOW GETTING ONE OF DZHOKHAR'S TWEETS TATTOOED 0 ME TOMORROW. SHE IS A REAL SUPPORTER. IF SHE HAD GUTS SHE WOULD PUT IT ON HER FACE. AND THEN IZZY PEREZ WHO INSTAGRAMED A COLLAGE OF DZHOKHAR AND SAID I AM GOING TO I CAN MA SHORTS THAT SAY FREE JAHAR ON MY BUTT. SPEAKING OF FANS, ANDY LEVY'S ARE QUITE ARDENT. >> THE DEPARTMENT OF PEACE KEEPING? THAT WAS A QUESTION AND THE ANSWER IS PROBABLY NO. >> THEY DON'T COUNT IT IN THE NIELSEN RATINGS. EVERYBODY SAYS ANDY IS GREAT FOR THE SHOW, BUT ONLY IF CATS ARE WATCHING. CATS DON'T BUY ANYTHING. THEY POOP IN A RECTANGULAR SANDBOX. MICHELLE, YOU WERE A TEENAGE GIRL NOT LONG AGO. IS THIS A TREND OR IS THIS WHAT WEIRD TEENAGE GIRLS DO? >> WE ALL GO THROUGH OUR BAD BOY PHASE. WHAT HAPPENED TO HAVING A LAW NARE DOUGH DICAPRIO POSTER ON YOUR LOCKER? WHY ARE WE GOING FOR TERRORISTS NOW? MY HOPE ARE THESE ARE JUST TROLLS AND THIS IS NOT TRUE. >> I WAS THINKING MAYBE BECAUSE THE WORLD IS FULL OF CREEPS, AND NOW SOCIAL MEDIA MAKES THE CREEPS MORE VISIBLE. WE USED TO HAVE WOMEN THAT WANTED TO MARRY TED BUNDY AND GUYS THAT WANTED TO MARRY TED BUNDY. EVERYBODY WANTED TO MARRY TED BUNDY FOR A YEAR. MY POINT SI DON'T HAVE A POINT. THERE *** LITERATURE COMING OUT ABOUT HIS AN TEARGASES. IF YOU EVER HAVE A DATE, HE RAN HIS BROTHER OVER WITH AN SUV AND YOU BETTER DRIVE. >> DO YOU THINK JUSTIN BIEBER SHOULD PUT A STOP TO THIS? >> I THINK I AGREE WITH MICHELLE. THEY ARE TRYING 20RILE PEOPLE UP. THEY DESCRIBED THEMSELVES AS TEENAGERS WITH BIG ***. >> REALLY? >> NOT TO SAY THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO AREN'T STUPID, BUT SOME OF IT IS LIKE YOU SAID. THERE IS A WOMAN WHO MARRIED RICHARD RAMIREZ, THE NIGHT STALKER, AND HE HAS HORRIBLE TEETH. TED BUNDY, KIND OF A DREAMY KILLER. >> THE WEIRD THING IS, BILL, ARE YOU A BAD BOY, BUT YOU DON'T ATTRACT WOMEN WHO LIKE BAD BOYS. YOU ATTRACT OLDER MEN WHO LIKE BAD BOYS. >> YOU LIKE BAD BOYS? I AM QUITE THE DRUG DEALER, JUST THROWING THAT OUT THERE. THESE ARE NOT BAD BOYS. THESE ARE COLD BLOODED KILLERS. THEY MURDERED PEOPLE. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE. I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE DIFFERENCE IS AND WHY THERE ARE SO MANY WOMEN THAT LIKE THESE MURDERERS. WOMEN -- I HAVE TOM -- I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT WOMEN ARE TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE PEOPLE. >> GET OUT OF HERE. >> I WILL NOT, MADAM. I AM SELLING DRUGS LATER. JODI ARIAS, I LIKE HER, I HAVE TO ADD ME. THE FOXY KNOXY GIRL, THAT WAS GOOD. BUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND THE OTHER GIRLS, THE OTHER GIRLS ARE TERRIBLE. >> YOU ARE A STRANGE, SAD MAN. HERE IS MY THEORY, OUR CULTURE IN THE LAST 30 OR 40 YEARS HAS ELEVATED EVIL TO BE SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING AND INTRIGUING THAN GOOD. BEING GOOD IS BORING. WE MAKE FUN OF IT IN EVERY TV SHOW. IF ARE YOU A BUSINESSMAN YOU ARE BORING. IF YOU HAVE A BLACKBERRY OR BRIEFCASE YOU ARE EVIL IN THE 1930S AND THE 1940s. EVIL IS NOW MORE ATTRACTIVE. WE HAVE CREATED A CULT. LOOK AT CNN. FOR THE LAST MONTH THEY WERE RUNNING NOTHING BUT PICTURES FOR THIS GUY. >> AND THEY SYMPATHIZE. THEY TRY TO MAKE IT PERSONAL LIESED. -- PERSONALIZED. THE RAPISTS WHO WERE BASKETBALL PLAYERS OR WHATEVER THEY SAY THEIR CAREERS ARE OVER. WE SYMPATHIZE WITH THESE EVIL PEOPLE. >> THERE IS A LIMIT THOUGH. NOBODY IS SAYING FREE THE CASTRO GUY. >> WHY IS THAT? IS HE OLD AND UNATTRACTIVE? WHY IS WHAT HE DID SOMEHOW WORSE THAN WHAT THIS GUY DID WHO BLEW OFF HUNDREDS OF LIMBS I WOULD IMAGINE? >> SOME WOMAN WILL. >> THERE IS ALSO A CONSPIRACY. YOU HAVE ALEX JONES OUT THERE. I THINK THAT HAS TO DO WITH IT. >> ANYWHERE THERE IS MYSTIQUE LIKE A STORY BEHIND IT, I THINK IT IS FOSTERED BY WEIRD OWE CONSPIRACY FREAKS. SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST LONELY, JOE. >> IS THAT MY CUE? I THINK THERE IS A CERTAIN POPULATION OF FEMALES WHO THEY WANT SOMEONE WHO THE REST WOULD LOOK AT IT AND GO WHAT A HORRIBLE PERSON. YOU SAY YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THEY WANT HIM AS A RECLAMATION PROJECT. IT IS THE WORST OF THE WORST. AND PEOPLE WHO LIKE A HORRIBLE BAND TO BE LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW IT LIKE I DO. THEY SET THEMSELVES APART. >> AND PEOPLE DON'T HATE BUSINESSMEN. THEY HATE THE BUSINESSMEN INVOLVED IN PONZI SCHEMES OR RIGGING THE SYSTEM WITH INSIDER TRADING, BUT FOR THE MOST PART, I HAVE SEEN A BUSINESSMAN OR TWO GET LAID. >> I HAVE. >> DON'T YOU HATE THE WAY PEOPLE THROW THE PHRASE WHITE MEN. THEY THROW IT A IS THE WORST THIN CALL SOMEBODY. >> I AM A WHITE MAN AND GET THROWN AROUND. I GET PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THAT. >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS ANYMORE. I WANT TO MOVE ON. THESE GIRLS WOULD BE A GREAT PRANK TO INVITE THEM TO A CELEBRATION OF SOME KIND TO MEET THIS GUY AND THEN PUT HIM IN A REFRIMG RATED ROOM WITH -- REFRIGERATED ROOM WITH THE LIMBS. >> THAT'S SICK. >> IT IS SICK, BUT PUNISHMENT. FROM TERRORIST BUMMER TO WOOL HAT IN THE SUMMER. IS AMERICA SICK OF THE HIP? ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL, OPINIONS OF HIPSTERS HAS TAKEN A DIS IPSTER -- DIPSTER. 60% OF AMERICANS HAVE A FAVORABLE VIEW OF THE AGGRESSIVELY INDY WITH 42% HAVING AN UNFAVORABLE VIEW AND 43% NOT SURE. BROKEN DOWN BY POLITICS, DEMOCRATS ARE TWICE AS LIKELY AS A POSITIVE VIEW OF HIPSTERS. THEY SAY HIPSTERS MAKE A CONTRIBUTION TO SOCIETY WHILE 40%, JESUS, SAY APPROPRIATE CULTURAL TRIPS FROM THE PAST FOR THEIR OWN IRONIC AMUSEMENT. WE ASKED A HIPSTER FOR COMMENT. >> SEE IF THAT WAS A DEFINITION OF HIPSTER -- JOE, IF HIPSTERS ARE HATED WHY NOT HATESTERS? >> I DON'T KNOW IF PEOPLE IN THE REST OF THE COUNTRY KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE BEING SO CLOSE TO WILLIAMSBURG, BROOKLYN WHERE YOU CAN GO IN AND SEE A GROWN MAN WEARING A SARONG ON A YOU GNAW CYCLE WAXING HIS MUSTACHE. >> THAT'S BILL'S DAD. >> IT IS STRANGE BECAUSE THE IDEA IS YOU CAN JUST SKIM ALL OF THESE THINGS OFF OTHER CULTURES WITHOUT ANY OF THE DEPTH OR APPRECIATION. THEY LOOK LIKE IDIOTS TO ME. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU WANT TO SET YOURSELF UP IN CONTRAST TO EVERYBODY. AND THERE IS A REASON PEOPLE DON'T MAKE THE ARTESANL CHEESES AND RIDE THE BIG BIKE. YOU DON'T NEED TO. >> THAT MEANS YOU MAKE IT CRAPILY. ISN'T THAT WHAT IT IS? I DON'T KNOW. JOEL, DON'T PEOPLE HATE ON HIPSTERS BECAUSE THEY ARE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO BE IRONICALLY DETACHED FROM ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE WHETHER IT IS BOWLING OR MAKING CHEESE. >> BE CAREFUL HOW YOU GENERATE. I LOOKED AT THE POLL QUESTIONS AND I CALLED THE POLSTER WHO DID THIS AND THERE IS A RACIAL BREAK DOWN. HISPANICS LOVE HIPSTERS. DESPITE THE LOW APPROVAL RATINGS ONE IN THREE HISPANICS CONSIDERS THEMSELVES A HIPSTER. >> ISN'T PART OF BEING A HIPSTER YOU DON'T IDENTIFY AS A HIPSTER. >> THAT'S JUST PREJUDICE. HISPANICS HAVE A 28% MORE FAVORABLE VIEW THAN UNFAVORABLE VIEW. I ASKED THE POLSTER WHY AND HE HAD NO CLUE WHATSOEVER. I DO THINK INSTEAD OF EMBRACING IMMIGRATION REFORM SHOULD BUY A PHO DORA AND A COUPLE OF SANDALS. >> HANG OUT AT BROOKLYN BOWL AND LISTEN TO "DEAR HUNTER." WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THIS? HAVE YOU EVER DATED A HIPSTER? >> I HATE THEIR PSEUDO INTELLECTUALISM OF THE THEIR OCCUPY WALL STREET MENTALITY. EVERY TIME I AM ON THE ROAD DRIVING THERE IS A HIPSTER WITH A DISGUSTING BEARD THAT LOOKS LIKE A *** DRIVING 25 MILES AN HOUR IN FRONT OF MY CAR IN A 45 MILE PER HOUR ZONE. IT IS RIDICULOUS. >> YOU ARE GETTING A CALL FROM LA RAZZA. >> AMONG THE HOMELESS YOU ARE CONSIDERED HIP BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALL OF YOUR TOES. IF IT IS SO HIP TO HATE HIPSTERS AREN'T WE AS BAD AS THEY ARE? >>Y WHY. I HAVE GONE ALL THE WAY AROUND NOT LIKING THEM THAT EVERYBODY IS GOING AGAINST THEM. PART OF MINE IS JEALOUSY. THE LITTLE I CAN GROW LOOKS LIKE A PEW BIBBING HAIR. THEY CAN GROW THE. GIGANTICALLYK THINGS. I REALIZE I HATE MYSELF. THE ONE THING I AM UPSET ABOUT IS THEY HIJACKED PBR. THAT IS A GOOD, CHEAP BEER. BEING ON FOUR BANDS WHERE NONE HAVE GIGS. >> YOU KNOW WHO WE HAVE TO BLAME FOR ALL OF THIS? >> WHO? >> GAVIN McGUINNESS. IF IT WASN'T FOR GAVIN McGUINNESS NOBODY WOULD HAVE BEARDS OR WEARING TRUCKER HATS AND NOBODY WOULD BE LIVING IN WILLIAMSBURG. >> I JUST HATE THE DISHONESTY OF IT. IF YOU REALLY ENJOY THESE THINGS, THEN ENJOY WHAT YOU ENJOY. DO YOU REALLY KNOW A GREAT MONGOLIAN RESTAURANT WITH ACCORDION MUSIC? >> THEY PRETEND TO BE SLUMMING IT AND USE THEIR DAD'S CREDIT CARD WHEN THEY COME FROM THE SUBURBS SUBURBS AND THEY PRETEND TO LIVE A LIFE -- >> IT IS A PERFECT STORM OF LAZINESS AND TRYING TOO HARD. >>> WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK. JUSTIN BIEBER IS DEAD -- SET AGAINST RECORDING A FULL LENGTH ALBUM. CAN'T SAY I BLAME HIM. FIRST, WHAT SHOULD WE DO ABOUT THE COMING SAW KAY DO INVASION. THE NETWORK THEY DON'T WANT >>> HIS DAYS WERE NUMBERED, BUT THEY JUST BLUNDERED. 2009, A YEAR, A MONTANA MAN WAS WRONGLY DIAGNOSED WITH BRAIN CANCER AND TOLD HE HAD A FEW MONTHS TO LIVE. NOW A JUDGE HAS ORDERED THAT THE FORT HARRISON V.A. MEDICAL CENTER PAY HIM ALMOST $60,000 FOR THE MD'S MISTAKE. AFTER LEARNING HIS FATE THE 70-YEAR-OLD GUY OR AROUND THERE QUIT HIS JOB AND SOLD HIS PICK UP AND CELEBRATED A LAST BIRTHDAY AND CONTEMPLATED SUICIDE. THEN HE STARTED TO FEEL BETTER AND TESTING SHOWED HE SUFFERED SHAWL STROKES AND DID NOT HAVE TERMINAL BRAIN CANCER. BOY DID THE DOCTOR HAVE EGG ON HIS FACE. NOTED THE JUDGE, IT IS DIFFICULT TO PUT A PRICE TAG ON THE ANGUISH OF A MAN WRONGLY CONVINCED OF HIS IMPENDING DEATH. HE SETTLED ON $500 A DAY TO SET TESTIMONY ON ONE OF THESE PER DAY. >> SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY FULL NIGHT. >> OH MAN. >> WEIRD VOICE, DON'T YOU THINK? WAS THAT HIS VOICE? >> YES. >> WHAT DID YOU DO IF YOU FELT YOU HAD THE WRONG DIAGNOSIS? WOULD YOU SUE OR JUST BE HAPPY? >> I PROBABLY WOULDN'T SUE, BUT THE FACT THEY ARE ONLY GIVING HIM $60,000. $500 A DAY? THAT DOESN'T EVEN PAY FOR HOSPITAL PARKING. IT IS SO EXPENSIVE THAT $500 A DAY IS NOTHING. >> SHOULD YOU SUE AFTER FINDING OUT SOMEONE'S MISTAKE OR BE THRILLED OR THE MISTAKE HAS PUT YOU THROUGH AGONY. >> I HOPE HE BURNS THROUGH THE MONEY IN A COUPLE MONTHS. HE DOES IT UP REALLY GOOD. IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU CAN'T TRUST DOCTORS. I AM TIRED OF MY DOCTORS -- IT IS HPV. IT IS HPV. I'M TELLING YOU IT IS NOT. >> THAT'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE TIRED OF HEARING. >> WHAT KIND OF HOSPITAL IS THIS? WHEN YOU TELL SOMEBODY THEY HAVE TERMINAL BRAIN CANCER SOMEBODY SHOULD SAY LET'S RUN THE NUMBERS. WHAT DO THEY DO, PEA ON A CANDYCANE. YOU ARE POSSESSED BY BRAIN CANCER. >> YOU THINK YOU ARE FILMING FOR A CANDYCANE AND IT IS A WEIRD MOVIE. $500 A DAY GOOD? >> THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TO PAY THE LAWYERS. FIND THAT OUT AND HE WILL BE SUICIDAL AGAIN. IT HAS A MOVIE RING LIKE JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO. YOU GET TO FIND OUT WHO REALLY LIKES YOU BECAUSE PEOPLE TELL YOU HOW GREAT YOU ARE. THEN THERE IS A LEGAL THEORY THAT SAYS THE ROLE OF THE COURTS IS TO CREE IT -- CREATE OFFICIAL OUT COMES HE IS SO HAPPY THAT HE IS NOT DYING MAYBE HE SHOULD PAY THE DOCTOR. >> BILL, NO ONE EXPECTS YOU TO LAST MORE THAN A COUPLE YEARS. HOW OFTEN DO YOU THINK OF YOUR MORTALITY? >> I DON'T GO TO THE DOCTOR. >> IF I AM IN A MONTANA TOWN AND A DOCTOR TELLS ME I HAVE BRAIN CANCER I MIGHT WANT A SECOND OPINION. I AM NOT PUTTING IT ALL ON THIS GUY SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND WORSE THAN BRAIN CANCER YOU GET A SECOND BEEN. A SECOND OPINION. IT NEVER OCCURRED. >> THE UPSIDE OF A FALSE DEATH SENTENCE IS IT GETS THINGS IN ORDER. YOU START DOING YOUR WILL. >> HE PAID FOR HIS FUNERAL SERVICES. >> YES, BUT WHEN HE DIES HE HAS IT ALL LOCKED DOWN. >> THE DOCTOR IS SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR HIS FUNERAL SERVICES OF HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY TOO. >> WHAT IF YOU HAD -- PEOPLE TELL YOU HOW MUCH THEY LIKE YOU? WELL WHAT IF YOU DO THE OPPOSITE AND SAY I HAD AN AFFAIR IN 1995. YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR WIFE THAT. >> YOU DON'T WANT TO FESS UP. >> YOU DON'T FESS UP UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD. THAT'S WHAT MY MOM TOLD ME DO YOU HAVE A COMMENT ON THE SHOW? E-MAIL AT FOX NEWS.COM. DO YOU HAVE AN E-MAIL? GO TO KNOX NEWS.COM/RED EYE. WE MAY TAKE IT HOME. STILL TO COME, THE HALF TIME REPORT FROM ANDY LEVY. WHY WAS THAT NOT A FALSE DYING THOUGH SIS? >> TONIGHT IS SPONSORED BY GUITARS, THE STRINGED INSTRUMENT WITH A LONG NECK AND THICK STRINGS. THANKS, GUITAR. >>> LET'S SEE IF WE GOT ANYTHING WRONG SO FAR. FOR THAT WE GO TO ANDY LEVY. HI, ANDY. >> FIRST OF ALL, I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO LET THE IRS KNOW I WORSHIP MY GOVERNMENT. I AM NOT A PATRIOT AND I DON'T CARE THAT MUCH ABOUT THE CONSTITUTION. >> YOU AND ME BOTH. >> AND I NEVER MADE A YOUTUBE VIDEO. LEAVE ME ALONE. DEVITO YOU SAID NOBODY IS BEHIND IT AND IT IS JUST A COUPLE OF ROGUE AGENTS. I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE ON THE LEFT ARE BUYING THAT. >> THEY ARE THE MOST GULLIBLE THEN. >> IT MIGHT BE TRUE. >> IT MIGHT BE TRUE. IT IS NOT TRUE AT ALL. OF COURSE THEY TARGETED SPECIFIC PEOPLE. THERE ARE NO SIGNS THEY TARGETED GROUPS FROM THE OTHER SIDE. >> ABSOLUTELY. IT MAY OR MAY NOT BELOW LEVEL PEOPLE THAT DID THIS. IT COULD BE PRESIDENT OBAMA. THERE WERE AGENTS FROM COAST TO COAST I BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID. IT WAS NOT LIKE IT WAS ONE PART OF THE COUNTRY OR ONE OFFICE THAT WAS DOING THIS. >> WASN'T IT JUST THE CINNCINATI OFFICE? >> I DON'T THINK SO. >> I I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST THE CINNCINATI OFFICE. >> YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET AUDITED. YOU HAVE TO MAKE OVER $20,000 A YEAR. >> I'M SURE WHATEVER THEY DID THEY MEANT WELL. >> THEY ARE GOOD PEOPLE. >> MISTAKES WERE MADE. THEY APOLOGIZED. MOVE ON, PEOPLE. MICHELLE, YOU SAID HOW DO YOU PUNISH THESE PEOPLE? THEY ALREADY WORK FOR THE IRS. I GUESS YOU DON'T FIRE THEM? >> EXACTLY. >> JOEL, YOU SAID YOU ARE GLAD PRESIDENT OBAMA WAS OUTRAGED, BUT NOTICED THAT IT TOOK THREE DAYS TO BE OUTRAGED. I LOVE HE SAID HE FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS FROM THE MEDIA. >> SIS SENIOR OFFICIALS -- HIS SENIOR OFFICIALS FOUND OUT ABOUT IT LAST YEAR. >> IN 2012, YES. THERE IS COMMUNICATION BREAK DOWN GOING ON HERE. >> PRESIDENT OBAMA IS SO ON TOP OF SO MANY CULTURAL EVENTS. WHETHER IT IS AN NBA PLAYER COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET, HE CALLS THEM, BUT HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON. >> JAY CARNEY BY THE WAY JUST BEFORE WE TAPED SAID AS FAR AS THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT AND THE AP THAT THE WHITE HOUSE JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS FROM THE PRESS TOO. I AM JUST GLAD THEY WERE WATCHING THE NEWS. THEY WOULDN'T KNOW [WHREEP]. >> SWEARING IS NOT APPROPRIATE ON A MONDAY. IT IS NO SWEARING MONDAY. I WILL MAKE A NOTE YOU SAID [BLEEP]. >> BY THE WAY IN THE MIDDLE OF BENGHAZI, THE IRS IS TARGETING CONSERVATIVE GROUPS. ON MONDAY NIGHT PRESIDENT OBAMA TOLD A CROWD AT A FUNDRAISER THAT INCLUDED JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND JESSICA BIEL. PEOPLE ARE CYNICAL BECAUSE OF RIGHT WING PARTISAN SHIP. >> THAT REMINDS ME. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BRING UP SOMETHING. WHAT DID HE SAY IN THE COMMONS MEANT ADDRESS THIS. >> THE CYNICISM. >> DON'T BE SYNICAL. I WILL DO THAT TOMORROW, ON "THE FIVE" THAT SHOW IN THE AFTERNOON. >> TEEN GIRLS GO CRAZY FOR DZHOKHAR. YOUR HOPE IS THESE ARE TROLLS THAT DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE SAYING. I HATE TO DASH YOUR HOPES. THEY ARE VERY REAL. >> I DON'T KNOW. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SOMEBODY WOULD DO THIS. THERE ARE SO MANY INTERNET TROLLS WHO WANT TO GET ATTENTION AND I FEEL THIS IS WHAT THEY ARE DOING. >> THEY ARE VERY REAL. JOE, YOU ALSO SAID YOU ARE GUESSING 90% OF THESE ACCOUNTS ARE SMOOTH. THERE ARE A LOT OF NONE FREE DZHOKHAR PEOPLE TROLLING THE FREE DZHOKHAR TWITTER. NOT ALL PEOPLE WITH FREE DZHOKHAR IN THEIR NAME, THEY BELIEVE IT. >> YOU THINK SO? >> I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO I NEED TO TALK TO TO GET THE KASEY CANNON KNEE -- THE KASEY ANTON KNEE PHOTOS. >> THAT'S WHERE I HAVE TO TAKE YOU TO TASK. >> HE SAID ON TWITTER. >> THOUGHT YOU MEANT ON A PUBLIC BUS. >> BILL, THANK YOU FOR POINTING OUT PEOPLE LIKE DZHOKHAR ARE NOT BAD BOYS. THEY ARE FROM THE MOVIE "BAD BOYS." >> DOES THAT END WITH A Z? >> NO, IT DOES NOT. THAT CAME OUT PRE THE Z CRAZE. >> THE Z RAISE WAS ONLY FOR TWO YEARS. >> IN SOME PARTS OF THE COUNTRY IT IS STILL GOING ON. >> YOU CAN BUY FLIP-FLOPS WITH A Z. >> IS THAT RIGHT? >> YES. >> WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO? >> THEY ARE RADICALIZING FLIP-FLOPS. BILL AYERZ. BILL SHILLS. >> A POLL SHOWS PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE HIPSTERS. BY THE WAY, I GOT THIS ON VINYL. JOY DO -- >> DO DEVITO I AM GUESSING MOST HAVEN'T SEEN A HIPSTER IN REAL LIFE. >> I DON'T THINK HISPANIC PEOPLE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE SAME THING. >> THAT'S AN INTERESTING POINT. THEY WERE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. HE SAID THEY SHOULD NEWS TO DO OUT REACH. ONLY 31% SAID THEY WERE LIKELY TO VOTE. >> IT IS MORE ABOUT CULTURAL EMULATION. REPUBLICANS ARE DEFINITELY LOOKING FOR NEW DEALS. PUT ON YOUR COR DO ROY -- COURDEROY PANTS. >> HE HAS A HIPSTER NAME. >> HE IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE. >> I MET HIM. >> BY THE WAY, THE BIGGEST TAKE AWAY, PPP NEEDS TO SHUTDOWN DURING NONELECTION YEARS. BETWEEN THIS AND THE MUSIC POLL. >> I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THEM. >> THEY DID HELP US FILL A BLOCK. >> PPP HAS FILLED MORE BLOCKS THAN BILL HAS FILLED MORE URINE SAMPLES AT A RECREATIONAL FACILITY. >> COMING UP -- >> IS THAT ONE OF THE THINGS WHERE YOU COMPARE ONE TO THE OTHER. >> IT IS MONDAY. I HAD A ROUGH WEEKEND. >> MAN SUES FOR SAYING HE HE WAS GOING TO DO. WHAT KIND OF HOSPITAL WAS THIS IF THEY DIDN'T CONFIRM HE HAD BRAIN CANCER? IT REMINDS ME OF A JOKE. DID YOU HEAR WHERE THE GUY WAS TOLD HE WAS GOING TO DIE? IT IS A V.A. HOSPITAL. IT IS NOT A FUNNY JOKE, BUT TRUE. >> SO YOU ARE SAYING THE V.A. HOSPITALS ARE TERRIBLE BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN TO THEM? >> I AM SAYING THAT. >> THAT EXPLAINS WHAT YOU HAVE ON YOUR ARM. >> AND IT MAY EXPLAIN WHY HE DIDN'T GET A SECOND OPINION. HE PROBABLY COULDN'T AFFORD IT. >> IF HE WAS USING THE V.A. FOR HEALTH CARE CHANCES ARE HE COULDN'T USE A SECOND OPINION. >> MY DAD USES THE V.A., BUT HE COULD AFFORD A SECOND OPINION. >> THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO USE THE V.A. HOSPITAL BECAUSE THEY CAN'T AFFORD ANYTHING ELSE. >> I THINK WE LEARNED A LESSON HERE. >> I GUESS WE DID. I GUESS WE DID. >> I AM DONE. >> I GUESS WE DID. >> YOU CAN STOP SAYING I GUESS WE DID. BILL, STOP SAYING IT. >> DID, I GUESS WE. >>> COMING UP, ANDY LEVY MAKES OUT WITH LIPS PAINTED ON HIS OWN HAND. FIRST, WHY IS THAT WEIRD LOOKING GUY ASKING NEW YORKERS QUESTIONS ABOUT DIRTY TEXT MESSAGES? NOBODY LIKES YOU WEIRD LOOKING GUY. >>> WOULD YOU LET OTHERS GAWK AT YOUR FLIRTY TALK? A NEW EXHIBIT IN NEW YORK CITY WILL TURN SEXY, SEXY TEXT MESSAGES -- I AM SO TIRED OF SEXTIG, BUT THEY ARE TURNING IT INTO ART. IT CALLS SEXT ME IF YOU CAN AND STARTS MAY 23RD. THEY WILL ASK MUSEUM GOERS TO SEXT HER. SHE IS SO DESPERATE. DO YOU REMEMBER HER? SHE WAS GOING TO PUT YAMS IN HER BUM. YOU CAN SEXT HER AND SHE WILL CREATE A PAINTING INSPIRED BY THE MESSAGES. PEOPLE IN TIME SQUARE ARE NOT BUZZING ABOUT IT. WE FLENT THE -- WE SENT THE FLIRTIEST REPORTER TO SEE IF THERE WAS ANYTHING IN MIND. >> THERE IS A NEW EXHIBIT IN TOWN, AN EXHIBIT ON SEXTING. I AM HERE TO TALK TO -- ONE SECOND. I WANT TO BE THE MAN ON YOUR MEAT IN YOUR MAN ON THE STREET? >> THERE IS A NEW EXHIBIT WHERE THEY ARE TAKING SEXUALLY APPROPRIATE TEXTS AND SENDING THEM TO THE ARTISTS AND SHE IS PUTTING THEM ON THE WALL AND THAT'S THE EXHIBIT. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? >> WELL, YOU KNOW, THERE MIGHT BE SOME -- PEOPLE MIGHT WANT TO KNOW. >> I THINK HER NAME IS -- WHO CARES? AS LONG AS WE GET TO LOOK AT DIRTY PICTURES. IS THAT SOMETHING YOU ARE INTERESTED IN SEEING? >> NO. >> YOURSELF? >> MAYBE. >> AGREE TO DISAGREE. I LIKE THE BACK AND FORTH HERE. YOU ARE LIKE A HOT SIS SKELL AND EBERT. >> HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN A TEXT THAT WAS MUSEUM WORTHY? >> NO. >> ME EITHER AND I AM TALKING TO BRETT BEAR. ON THE FLIP SIDE THEY ARE NOT GETTING CRAZY DISEASES. >> THAT'S TRUE ESPECIALLY WITH THE SUPER BUG. >> WHAT IS THE SUPER BUG? >> THE NEW -- >> IT IS A BUG THAT CAME FROM THE HOME PLANET AND IT HAD TO HIDE ITS POWERS BECAUSE THE WORLD WASN'T READY FOR IT? >> TELEFONO, SEXTO PARRA TI? >> WE CANNOT SAY THAT ON TELEVISION. WE HAVE TO BLUR ALL OF THIS OUT. OH MY WORD. WE HAVE GOT A HOT TAMALE RIGHT HERE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WOULD TAKE THAT. >> WELL, I HAVE SOME ONES I THOUGHT ABOUT GIVING THEM AND MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME IF THEY ARE WORTH IT. FIRST I WOULD LIKE TO TOUCH YOUR MOM MUFFINS WHILE YOU HELP ME BAKE MY BOY BREAD? YES, GOOD? >> BOW-WOW, WOWYIPPY "YO CONDITION. GOOD? >> IT SYNDS LIKE -- IS SOUNDS LIKE A RHYME I TYPED UP. >> I LIKE TO LOOK AT NAKED GIRLS AND JUNK. YEAH, QUESTION MARK? >> IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHAT JUNK IS. >> OR IF I LIKE GIRLS WITH A LITTLE FUN BAGS ON -- WITH THE LITTLE FUN BAGS ON THE TOP AND THE MAYING ON THE BOTTOM. I THINK I FOUND THE YING TO MY YANG. LET'*** THE EXHIBIT. >> THE BAD NEWS IS I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT MY ENTRY IS GOING TO BE. I WANT TO PROBLEM -- I WANT TO [BLEEP] GIVE YOU THE BEST [BLEEP. >> THAT WAS THE OPPOSITE OF BEAUTIFUL. >>- Q. I WHAT WOULD THAT BE? >> ARE YOU SURPRISED NO ONE SLAPPED YOU. >> I DID GET HUSHED A LOT. SOMETIMES WE WILL BUMP INTO TIME SQUARE AND WHILE NOT WORTH IT AT ALL, AND THIS TIME WE HAVE AN AGO FEW PUNCTURE WRIST. >> CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION. WHO IS YOUR FRIEND? >> NO. >> HIS NAME IS NO. >> I CAN PUNCH. >> HOW MUCH DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR A MASSAGE IF HE CAN BE THERE WITH ME? >> IF YOU WANT A RECORD YOU LIKE THAT, I GIVE YOU MESSAGE FOR FREE. >> IF I LAID DOWN YOU WON'T MASSAGE ME? >> I CAN SEE HIM GETTING A MASSAGE THOUGH. >> THAT WAS A -- THAT WAS AMAZING. >> I CAN'T TELL IF -- I JUST MADE A BABY OR LOST MY LUNCH. APPARENTLY THIS IS HIS BUSINESS CARD. NO WEBSITE OR TELEPHONE NUMBER. >> CURE YOURSELF. >> CURE YOURSELF. THAT WAS UNBELIEVABLY UNINTELLIGIBLE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. JAY VERY NICE MAN TO PUT UP WITH YOUR CRAP. >> I GAVE HIM FREE PUBLICITY. >> YOU MADE FUN OF THE POOR GUY. GO AND USE HIS BUSINESS. HE DOESN'T HAVE A PHONE NUMBER OR A WEBSITE. THAT'S A CAPITALIST. >> I AM HAVING DRINKS WITH HIS ACUPUNCTURE TOY TOMORROW. >> IT WAS A DOLL. >> HE WAS A NEW FRIEND AND HE SAT ON MY SHOULDER. >> I LOVE PEOPLE TRYING TO MAKE MONEY IN TIME SQUARE. I AM SO SICK OF THE TOPIC THAT I SWEAR WE SHOULD NEVER DO THAT TOPIC AND THEN WE DO IT. >> CHECK YOUR PHONE. CHECK YOUR PHONE RIGHT NOW. >> OH BILL. >> YOU'RE WELCOME. DIDN'T EVEN AIR BRUSH IT. I AM ALL ABOUT REALITY. >> MICHELLE, THOUGHTS ON THIS? DO YOU CARE? I FEEL EXCITED BECAUSE ANTHONY WIENER HAS A CITY HE CAN VISIT. BUT AM I GOING TO GO? NO. WILL I SEND SEXTS? NO. >> DO YOU REMEMBER KAREN FINLEY? WASN'T SHE BIG IN THE 70s OR THE 80s FOR DOING SOMETHING HORRIBLE? >> ENDOWMENT MONEY. >> YES IT WAS YAMS YAMS AND CHOCOLATE SYRUP. >> I WOULD BE LYING IF I TOLD YOU I KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT HER. IF YOU DO THIS YOU COULD BE SUBJECT TO PROSECUTION AND ONCE YOU SEND THAT TEXT YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR NAME ON A SEX OFFENDER REGISTRY. >> IS THAT TRUE? >> SOMEPLACES. >> YOU SCARE ME. >> THANKS FOR NOTHING. >> SO IF YOU SEND IT TO SOMEBODY WHO DOESN'T WANT IT -- >> SHE IS NOT SEXTING BACK,. >> YOU KNOW WHAT, SOMETIMES "RED EYE" CAN BE REALLY EDUCATIONAL. TONIGHT WAS ONE OF THE NIGHTS, BUT MIB IN THE FUTURE YOU CAN BE TURNING IN AND SAY THAT'S ALMOST A FACT. EXAMINE THEN YOU LOOK IT UP AND FIND THE REAL FACT. WHAT I SAID WAS WRONG. WHATEVER I SAID WRONG WILL LEAD YOU TO A FACT THAT IS IN FACT RIGHT. ISN'T THAT WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT? >> THEY CAN GOOGLE "RED EYE" AND FIGURE OUT IT IS NOT A SHOW. >> WE HAVE TO TEAK A BREAK. WE WILL TALK ABOUT SOMETHING, THE JOY OF HATE. AUTOGRAPHED COPY G GUTFELD.COM. IF YOU HAVEN'T BOUGHT IT YOU >>> AFTER SENDING 7 -- 17 YEARS UNDERGROUND BILLIONS OF LOUD AND ANNOYING INSECTS ARE SET TO INVADE THE EAST COAST. ONE SCIENTIST HAS A SOLUTION, EAT THEM. SHE LOOKS LIKE A BUD AND SHE CALLS THEM THE SHRIMP OF THE LAND. >> I THOUGHT I WAS. >> NOTING THEY ARE HIGH IN PROTEIN AND LOW IN FAT. THE BEST TIME TO SNACK ON THE BUG EYED INSECTS -- OF COURSE THEY ARE BUG EYED. WHAT WOULD THEY BE? WHEN THEY EMERGE FROM THE GROUND IN THE MORNING STILL SOFT AND SHEDDING THEIR SKIN LIKE YOGA INSTRUCTORS. I DON'T EAT ANYTHING WITH AN EXO SKELETON. SHOULD WE EAT THEM IF THEY ARE JUST LIKE SHRIMP? >> I EAT SOMETHING WITHOUT GLUTEN. YOU BECOME LEERY WHEN PEOPLE SAY IT TASTES JUST LIKE -- MY REG TEAR YEN FRIENDS THEY TRIED THAT AND IT TASTES LIKE GARBAGE. >> YOU ATE A VEGETARIAN FRIEND? THEY ARE LIKE WILD GAM. >> I HAVE EATEN A CHOCOLATE COVERED CRICKET I ORDERED ON-LINE. I WAS DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE A REGULAR CHOCOLATE WITH THIS LITTLE RICE CRISPY. I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A HONKING LOW CUSS. I JUST DON'T LIKE TO COOK. YOU USE THE INTERNET TO ORDER SOMETHING LIKE THAT. >> IT CAME WITH A BUTTON THAT SAID "I AT A BUG." >> MICHELLE, COULD THEY BE DELICIOUS? >> ONE OF THE REASONS IN THE ARTICLE THEY LISTED FOR EATING THESE BUGS WAS BECAUSE PEOPLE IN AFRICA EAT THEM. I FEEL THAT IS NOT THE MOST CONVINCING ARGUMENT. BUT I REALLY LIKE OUR RESPONSE TO THIS. IT IS VERY AMERICAN TO EAT AWAY OUR PROBLEMS ONLY IN AMERICA DO WE HAVE A BUG PROBLEM. LET'S GET RAID AND SPRAY THEM LET'S COME UP WITH A DELICIOUS WAY. >> THERE IS AN N'SYNC RIGHTS MOVEMENT THAT WILL SAY THAT IS BARBARIC. >> PETA WILL COME OUT. >> THEY DON'T LIKE N'SYNCS. SHOULD WE EAT THESE STUPID N'SYNCS. SHOULD WE EAT THESE INSECTS? >> YOU SOUND LIKE YOU EAT A LOT OF BUGS. >> HE IS CAPTAIN FACTOID TONIGHT. EVERY SEGMENT YOU HAVE AN INTERESTING FACT ABOUT HISPANICS, KOSHER. >> HE IS LIKE A WIKIPEDIA. >> THIS IS THE ULTIMATE WILLIAMSBURG SPECIALTY. >> BILL, YOU SPENT THE FIRST 17 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE UNDER GROUND COVERED IN DIRT. NOT REALLY A QUESTION. COMING UP -- ACTUALLY I HAVE TO CLOSE THINGS OUT. IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY IT IS EASY TO MOVE ON. WE WILL CLOSE THINGS OUT WITH A POST GAME WRAP UP. TO SEE CLIPS OF RECENT SHOWS FOX >>> TV'S ANDY LEVY, POST GAME WRAP UP. >> JOEL, WHAT DID YOU USE -- WHAT DO JEWS AND PENTECOSTAS HAVE IN COMMON? >> THIS TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY. IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE WEEK OF ON, TERRIBLE. CELEBRATE PENTECOST AND STAY UP ALL NIGHT EATING ICE CREAM. >> THE ORTHODOX IEWN QLEN SAYS THEY ARE NOT KOSHER. >> MICHELLE, WHAT YOU GOT? >> WHAT DO I GOT? >> YES. >> SO I HAVE AN INTERVIEW WITH SPACE X FOUNDER AND TESLA MOTOR FOUNDER WHICH YOU CAN CHECK OUT. >> VERY COOL. JOE, UPCOMING GIGS? >> THURSDAY NIGHT AT STRESS FACTORY AND FRIDAY AND SATURDAY AT THE BREW HUH HUH IN -- BREW HA-HA. >> IS THAT B-R-E-W? JAY YES. WHY NOT? >> IS IT REALLY GOOD BEER? >> IT IS EXCELLENT BEER. IT IS A BREWERY. >> THAT'S WHY IT IS CALLED BREW-HAHA. >> I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE THIS DIFFICULT. >> MICHELLE, BILL, JOEL, JOE. THAT DOES IT FOR ME.