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Hi, honey.
How was school?
Mom, you know how we have to
give all our mobile devices
to the teacher before
a test so we can't cheat?
Mm-hmm.
Turns out,
Wilbur has been
sneaking an iTouch
under that affected
hipster hat he wears
so Mr.
Litchfield took away
his hat, and Wilbur went
totally aggro
he was like,
"don't touch the
bleeping hat!"
It was exhilarating.
How was your day?
Ooh, bleeping exhausting.
This by is sucking up
all my energy.
I know what will wake you up.
A dance party.
No, Shania, the baby's
sleeping right now
so mommy has to stay real still.
Come on!
Let's dance.
Hey, okay.
Wiggle.
Woo-hoo!
Push the cart.
You know what, honey?
Um, baby, you've hardly touched
your video games lately.
Why don't you kill some zombies
or open a bakery or something?
Okay, cool.
How much screen time
can I have?
Let me just close my eyes
and have a think about that.
Oh, gosh.
Ah, yeah.
Seven, eight, nine, 30.
Okay, so you can see
that doing cpr on a
baby is no different
than doing cpr on an adult.
Except you can't pound on the
baby's chest and scream,
"breathe, damn it!"
Or you'll probably crush
most of its ribs
and its vertebrae.
Or you could puncture
the pericardium.
Look at you, very good.
Exactly right, David.
Okay, it's your turn.
Okay.
Now, we're just
gonna dive right in
to a life and death scenario.
Great.
Your baby just swallowed a button.
Oh, no.
It's airway is blocked.
Okay.
What's the first thing
you do go!
Uh, make sure you have
a replacement button.
Bryan, come on.
Oh.
Ooh.
Oh, I'm sorry, I just have
a quick Twitter emergency.
Now? It's life or death.
Honey, this is life or death.
I'm in the middle of a horrible
PR crisis at work.
What happened?
I spoke very loudly
at one of the actresses
on sing!
Because she showed up late
to rehearsal
and reeked of John Mayer.
Okay.
And then, she tweets
about it, and now all
of Twitter is saying
that I'm mean, and my face
is doughy and bloodless.
Which actress was it? Was
it the bohemian one? Okay
No, that's a different one.
Ooh, she seems like a real pain
in the ***, that one.
She is a pain in the
I could tell you stories
that would curl your hair.
Guys, baby.
Yeah.
Oh.
Just let me finish this
real quick for work.
That's what you said last night,
when I caught you on dlisted
reading about how Brazil
needs One Direction.
They do.
This is my work, honey.
Is that me or you?
That's not me.
Oh, it's me.
Jennifer love
Hewitt Google alert.
Ooh.
She's getting takeout
in Brentwood.
Yeah.
Chinese?
No.
Indian.
Huh? What's the
story behind that?
Guys, come on.
Sorry.
Yes.
Okay.
Ooh.
Oh!
Oh.
Ooh, it's a ratings update.
What did they say? Yeah, it's the live plus threes.
That's the DVR numbers.
That's really the only thing that matters now.
That's what I heard.
Is the live plus threes.
You
know what else matters now?
Oh, yes.
Yeah, okay.
Yuh-huh.
And how.
Aah, what do I do?!
Open the airway.
Ooh.
Oh.
Okay.
It's so pavlovian, isn't it?
As soon as you hear a ding,
you just reach for your phone.
Right?
It's like our brain is now
trained to do it that way.
Whenever I hear
a ding or a ring,
I'm like a dog in a car.
It's like the ding is the new ring.
Hey
I'm gonna tweet that.
I'm gonna retweet it.
I'm gonna take a picture
of you retweeting,
and then we're gonna instagram it.
Oh.
Nice.
Well, that's not me.
Oh, it's not me.
That actually could be me.
No, it's not
Oh.
Oh.
Sometimes you can save 'em,
and sometimes you can't.
So what happened with
that bohemian girl?
Does she smell as
bad as she looks?
Well, every time she walks
out of her damn trailer,
it's like Woodstock
just waft
It's like a burning
I can smell her from my couch.
Right this way.
Thanks.
I bet this is a first for you.
Having lunch
with a black person.
I will have you know
that I once had brunch
with Mr.
Nipsey Russell.
I won a contest.
You know, the first
I felt like choking you out.
But now I see, you
just speak your mind.
We're not so different, Jane.
Please.
Call me Mrs.
forrest.
And don't get too
carried away with yourself.
We had drinks on Halloween.
Doesn't mean we're gonna start
swapping underpants
anytime soon.
Well, good, because
I'm not wearing any.
I'm just saying,
we're both smart women
with strong opinions
and life goals.
Oh, yeah?
What are your life goals?
Well, being Bryan's assistant
is just a stepping stone for me.
Pretty soon, I'll
produce my own TV shows,
I'll own a ranch
in Santa Barbara
and have my own assistant.
You interested?
Thanks, no.
I have my own plans.
You see, since
I'm going to be here
until Goldie delivers the baby,
I thought I'd get my California
real estate license.
I start classes
at the learning annex next week.
The annex?
Yeah.
Get with the times, woman.
Take those classes
online right now.
The Internet is for *** mongers
and people too rude to write
a proper thank-you note.
Anyway, I am a people person.
I did fine in Ohio
with just a flyer
and an ad in the yellow pages.
Well, you know,
in today's world,
if you don't exist online,
you don't exist.
Now, at some point, you'll need
to figure out your brand
what you do, why
you do it better
and how to turn that into
a customized fragrance.
In the meantime, we can get
you set up with an e-mail,
a web site and a
Twitter account.
How long will all that take?
Here's your Twitter account.
But that didn't take
but two seconds of work.
Your people must love
this Internet.
Look, when you want to say
something to the world,
you type it right
here on Twitter.
Now, you're gonna need
to think before you
Oh, my God.
It's like giving
a monkey a loaded gun.
Bryan, can you grab
the salad dressing?
It's in the other bag.
Bryan?
Yes.
What?
Dressing.
Yes.
Shania, come to the table,
please.
Hey, David,
I'm IM-ing with my
friend, and her father's
complaining of an inflammation
in his right thigh.
I went on webmd, and I
think it might be phlebitis,
but what do you think?
May be graphic.
Oh, my God, that's phlebitis.
Who is your friend?
Ngabile.
She lives
in Zambia.
Zambia.
Oh,
I should tweet that.
Yeah.
Sing! Should do
a cover of
Toto's "Africa.
"
"Love or hate?
Vote, and you decide.
"
Look, this is a great PR tool.
Watch how this will work.
Shania, put that away, please.
Mom, I'm trying to
save a man's life.
You know, I read online
that the whole
eating-for-two thing is a myth,
but I don't care.
I'm gonna eat enough
for triplets.
Guys?
Guys?
Guys! No.
Bryan.
He's
constantly on that thing.
David, you are on your phone
almost as much as I'm on mine.
I am a doctor.
I have patients who need me.
Yeah, you are trying to buy
a golf putter on eBay.
Hey! I bring life
into the world.
Well, I inform and
entertain millions.
Who wouldn't be here if I didn't
bring them into the world.
Well Oh! Oh, my
God, I won the putter.
You can click "buy it now," but
you're just overpaying.
Suckahs!
Ngabile's dad needs
an anticoagulant.
I should look up the
contra-indications.
Mm-hmm.
All right, enough!
This is crazy!
I'd get more face time
with you guys
if we were actually
on facetime.
Goldie's right.
We can't be like this
when the baby gets here.
I know.
This is just terrible.
We need to try to be present
for our child.
I think we need to wean
ourselves off of technology now.
Well, I read online
that Rita Wilson
and her family do this thing
on Saturdays
where they go
completely tech-free.
Why don't we do that?
Yeah, we could just do one day
totally tech-free.
Shania, give me your iPad.
No, wait! You're being
incredibly impetuous,
which is a word I learned
from word of the day
on dictionary.
Com.
You can't take it away!
How will I grow? How
will I learn new things?
Shh, shh.
No more discussion.
This will be good for us.
Are you in?
I'm in,
but Bryan can't go unplugged
even for a minute.
A minute?
Of course, I can.
Just let me set the timer
on my iPhone.
Why are you all looking at me?
She's the junkie.
Oh good.
I have more questions for you
about the computer.
Hold on.
I'm sexting
with my boyfriend.
You want
to kiss my "inbred" thighs?
Darnell! Oh.
Autocorrect.
He meant, I want
to kiss your inner thighs.
"I love you, too, Darnell,
you dirty dog.
"
My God, is nothing
sacred anymore?!
Don't you realize
that *** congress is the last
intimacy two people can share,
and now with this device,
that's gonna go the way
of the elevator operator.
Honey, virtual sex is better
than real sex.
When we're done,
I don't have to cuddle my man.
I can just order me a pair
of new slippers online.
Now what's your computer
question, Mrs.
Garrett?
What?! You have 422 followers?!
Is that a lot?
How?
Yesterday, you didn't know
the difference
between a hashtag
or a skin tag.
There is nothing
to this Twitter.
See, look, I log in
as @nanaurbusiness
that's my handle.
Mm-hmm.
I say what I always say,
and these screen-worshiping
chair potatoes think I'm edgy.
"If you follow Rachel Maddow,
punch yourself
in your hairy crotch.
"
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God, you
cannot say all that!
I can, and I did.
Okay, well,
tweet whatever you want,
but don't say
I didn't warn you.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
At nanaurbusiness
is gonna make me
the biggest real estate
agent in this town.
The more I tell it like it is,
the more followers I get.
Hmm.
Now show me how to
add photos and videos.
Okay, I'm probably going to burn
for this, but you download
your photos and videos
to your desktop,
attach it to you Twitter,
hit "send,"
and share it
with your 422 twisted followers.
Whatever.
Just show me
an example.
Okay.
I have some hilarious
auto-tune news.
A dog that can't stop sneezing.
Oh.
Hold on.
Darnell is squatting
over the camera.
I need a moment.
You need a pastor.
"For your eyes only.
"
Oh.
This looks interesting.
From a club that smells
like desperation ♪
to our wedding day,
I just want to say ♪
let's push a stroller,
just me and you ♪
you're my Dr.
Davey,
and I'm your dude ♪
we'll ourselves a family,
our own little brood ♪
ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
all we need's a test tube
and a hand full of lube ♪
Oh, my God.
This is the gayest thing ever.
"The gayest video ever.
"
Attach, okay, send.
Bret Easton Ellis
is following me?
Blocked.
This was a good idea.
Making dinner as a family,
no interruptions
from our phones.
It's kind of liberating.
Yeah, I wish I could
instagram a picture
of my relaxed face right now.
Oh, baby,
what are you wearing?
It's my pilgrim costume
for my school's
Thanksgiving play.
You are so Kelly McGillis
in witness right now.
Or Helena Bonham-Carter
in anything.
Don't you think you're taking
this a little too far, sweetie?
No.
You said you wanted
to give up technology.
And if you're truly
serious about that,
if you really want to connect
with your child,
then it shouldn't just include
phones and tablets.
It should include all
modern conveniences.
Unless, you aren't able
to take this seriously.
Oh.
Fine.
Let's do this.
Tonight we're gonna party
like it's 1799.
Okay.
Uh Do we all get bonnets?
I think I cut my finger off.
Sweetie!
Well done!
What a talent!
So good.
Finally, dinner.
Well, I love this candlelight.
It makes me look like I'm 14.
Well, technically,
the candles are cheating
because we didn't make
them ourselves.
Yeah, but Martha Stewart did.
No, she really did.
In her Connecticut farmhouse.
She rendered the tallow fat
from her beloved but
slower-moving pets,
and then she added
vanilla beans
and then she poured it
all into molds.
And yeah, so we're good.
Still, without the technological
advances of modern science,
we wouldn't have antibiotics,
refrigerated foods,
public sanitation.
Our life expectancy
would be 38.
Ticktock, fellas.
Well, these tomatoes
look fabulous.
Are these from
the farmers' market?
No, I got them from the
neighbors across the way.
They have a whole garden,
and they're really nice
about sharing.
The neighbors
in the brick house?
People live there?
They can totally see into
your master bathroom
from their guest room balcony.
See? When we put down
our electronic gadgets,
it really gives us a chance
to connect with people.
Yeah, because before
we had all these gadgets,
it was downright barbaric.
Yeah, Shania, houses
only had one phone
and they were connected
to the wall
with a cord.
And then
if you were trying to
reach somebody who was already
talking to somebody else,
you would hear
this terrible sound.
It would go err, err, err!
And when you
wanted the news, an old,
out-of-shape white man
would come on your television
at 6:00 P.
M.
and actually
read it to you.
Things were simpler
back then.
I mean, it would be nice
for our kid to experience that.
Even just for a little.
I know.
'Cause how often
do we get the opportunity
just to really, you
know, sit around
and talk to each other?
Yeah.
I'm gonna use the restroom.
Awesome.
Yeah.
Okay.
Is that
all right
or did you dig a hole
in the backyard?
Please, we're not animals.
But just don't use
the seat warmer.
What are you doing in here?
What?
I am very disappointed in you.
I'm sorry.
I was checking my fantasy
football league.
I love Goldie and Shania,
but I have $15 riding on this.
I know.
Life without
technology sucks.
I'd rather get stuck
in an elevator
with Neve Campbell than
repeat this day.
Come on.
Since I cheated,
you get to, too.
Five minutes.
I'll
watch the door.
Yay, Twitter.
If I don't know who Rihanna
is mad at-slash-forgiving
at any given moment,
I just go crazy.
In order to do some damage
control over my nightmare
at work, last week I posted
a deleted scene from sing!
Oh.
Clea sings
a Taylor Swift duet with a pony.
Ooh.
Can't wait to feel
the Twitter love.
This is weird.
What?
I have, like,
a bazillion comments
about some viral video called
"the gayest video ever.
"
Muddling mint for mojitos
and sipping white wine
burning a smudge stick
of sage and thyme ♪
hikes in the canyon
with smelly the dog ♪
our jaunts to San Fran
holding hands in the fog
you nursed me to health
when I had SARS
who in the hell would
humiliate me like this?
Um
"Nanaurbusiness.
"
Well, we have to move.
I want your phone,
your computer, your flare gun,
whatever you use to contact
the outside world.
What are you talking about?
You leaked my video
to the world.
Oh, come on, it was hilarious.
And I thought you were so proud
of your love for your man.
Anyway, humiliating you
brought 900 new followers to my
ever-growing Twitter fan base.
That video was meant for David
as a surprise
on our wedding day,
and it was private.
If you want privacy,
go *** a bundt cake
in the bathtub,
but don't have a camera crew
record you
while you're doing it
and then whine
when it gets leaked.
You were asking for this.
Uh-uh, maude.
I had all of those
crew members sign
non-disclosure agreements.
Oh, please.
Nowadays, you can't
slander someone
in the back of a cab
without it being recorded.
Nothing is private anymore.
If you can't do the time,
don't record the crime.
I cannot believe you did this.
I feel extremely violated.
Well, how do you think
the rest of us feel
when you dance like a vietnamese
kid running across a minefield.
God, these gays
are so sensitive.
You were on the bed,
I like to please my guy ♪
That's what rocky calls
keeping it real ♪
White parties
in Palm Springs ♪
you remember François
the time you got
the lady dis ♪
on the cruise to Panama
Okay, you guys.
Phones, gadgets,
anything with a screen,
put 'em in here.
Come on, come on.
No more technology
at work, you guys.
It's unprofessional,
it's a time-suck.
Get it in.
In, in, in.
No phones,
no PDAs.
If you
have to bring in
a source of information,
bring in a newspaper.
You, too, Devin.
No, no, no, no.
I don't have time
for your acting.
Quick, quick, quick.
Get it in.
Oh, come on.
Be smarter than the trash can.
So now that we're free
of all of this nonsense,
we can focus on our craft.
Now, we have
a big Carly Rae Jep
Mmm.
What's happening?
Mmm.
Mmm.
Okay.
We saw your video,
and the side you show America
is so raw and
authentic.
It's like
you pulled back the curtains
to show everybody
who you really are.
I mean, that is so brave, man.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
You can un-pucker.
You still can't
have time off
to sing at the nobel
peace prize ceremony.
Clea.
I'm so glad the
Twitter-sphere sees you
the way I see
my bry-bry,
a kindhearted open soul,
not afraid
to sing his feelings.
You can keep your phone.
You're my favorite.
I heart you.
I heart you.
"Thank you"
@nanaurbusiness and
"@mrbryancollins for showing
us all what real love is.
"
♪bryan-is-a-softie
is trending.
Huh, wha-what?
Whoo!
Okay, okay, you guys.
Now, the next ten minutes
of this dance rehearsal,
I want you all to retweet
my video to your followers.
Come on.
Retweet!
Retweet party!
Come on!
Quick, quick, quick.
Tweet, tweet, tweet.
This is the power
of social media, you guys.
Use it for good!
Mother.
Mother,
dawn is breaking.
Mother.
Mom!
What? What is it?
Are you okay?
The sun is near risen.
There's hardly time
to start the fire
to boil water for our baths.
It's pitch-black out.
No matter.
We must grind the corn
for bread,
there are socks
that need darning
Okay, okay.
I get it.
You win.
Here.
Just please
let me sleep.
And promise me
if we're ever in front
of your friends' parents
and I say I only let you have
one hour of screen time a day,
you won't call me out
as a liar.
Thank God I'm part
of the world again.
But, mom, I did learn
something from all this.
I'll use these
devices responsibly,
as the powerful tools they are,
an evolutionary step
in human connection.
But I also value
hands-on experiences.
I mean, you can watch a
video on how to bake bread,
but you can't feel the dough
between your fingers
or smell it baking
or share the laughter
and closeness that we
Mom?
Well, I am proud of us.
Two nights in a row,
living tech-free,
going off the grid.
I feel like a frontier man.
A frontier man
who wears eye cream.
It was nice having
a candlelit dinner with you
and talking about
potential baby names.
I love that.
I mean,
when was the last time
we spent a Saturday night
not checking our e-mails
and watching 48 hours mystery?
I don't know,
I kind of missed seeing
what the title
was tonight though.
That's true.
"Nightmare in Napa.
"
"Two wigs, a gun,
and a ***.
"
"The lady in the pool.
"
You know, we haven't
talked about it yet,
but that video that you made
Oh, David
I'm sorry it went so public.
I loved it.
You did?
Yeah.
I mean, I know that
a billion people saw it but
All this talk about us
not connecting,
that song reminded me
of how much we share.
I loved our jaunts
to San Francisco
and holding hands in the fog,
muddling mojitos.
A little shocked François
got a shout-out Well
But otherwise,
I thought it was
incredibly sweet.
It was supposed to be a
surprise for our wedding.
Well, you're just gonna
have to come up
with something even better.
A challenge.
I accept.
So, next Saturday, do you want
to do the same thing?
Go tech-free?
Absolutely.
We need
to not be distracted
by our devices
and be present for our kid.
I completely agree.
No, go get your own
glass of water.
Let's push the stroller,
just me and you ♪
you're my Dr.
Davey
and I am your dude
we'll have ourselves
a family ♪
our own little brood
ah, ah, ah, ah.
.
♪
all we need's a test tube
and a handful of lube ♪
life with you
will never be bad ♪
