Eastbound & Down S4E6 - English Transcript

Wassup? I came to buy back your forgiveness. Love you, guys. Kenny's cutting in... I feel like you need to take your performance down... Because I'm the star of the show! People are trying to tell me to slow down. The audience loves me! Take a look at that sad part. Five hundred dollars. Ha ha! This is what I was afraid of... I want to go to therapy. Remember what we talked about. Kenny's cutting in... Season 4, Episode 06 "Chapter 27" Sync & corrections: Reef www.addic7ed.com All right, stop right there. Let's roll that back. That one bit. I think it's time to stop monkeying around. Kenny's cutting in. No, that's all right, Ken. We're good over here. We're cool. - We're good. Sit back down. - Cutting in. Oh. Guy, let me take this. If there's one thing I know, it's monkey business. Clarence, can you come in here? I'd love to show you something. Take a break, Alan. I... I just wanna get some fresh eyes on it. Clarence, I want you to watch this. Tell me what you think. Oh yeah. Is that right? Do you have a special relationship with monkeys, do you? Well, you know I got people in Atlanta. And they all love Skittles, red... - You think that bit's funny? - Well, the audience seems to like it. Yeah. What... What is it about him that's funny? He's one of them stupid white people that just say anything and they do anything and they just funny. How are the grandkids? Well, thank you for asking, Mr. Young. - They're doing great. - Oh, good, good. - Can you send them a message for me? - Sure. Yeah. Can you tell them that grandpa has a terrible sense of humor and that he laughs at the stupidest *** *** ever. And that's why there won't be any gifts underneath the Christmas tree this year from Grandpa. I don't understand. What are you talking about? - You don't understand? - No. You're fired! Get the *** outta here. You're crazy. Oh! A soccer ball. What a nice gift from Aunt April and Uncle Kenny. Feliz cumpleaños, you little ***. He really loves this gift, Kenny. He's going to enjoy it a lot. Thank you so much... It-it... it's cool. It's fine. We get it. He likes it. That's great. Who wants so more nachos? Hey, kids. Y'all want some nachos? No. I don't think they want any more nachos. I think they're really tired. And I gotta be honest, I got a headache. - Oh, a headache, huh? - Yeah. Oh, isn't that convenient. Huh. I don't really know what you have to be so unhappy about, April. You got beautiful children, a wealthy husband, loving friends. We don't have any friends, you see? You've driven everybody away. What's Stevie's family, chopped liver? They might not be hipsters like Gene and Dixie, but that doesn't make them less of people, all right? - I'ma throw you a Hail Mary right now. - Uh-huh. If there's anything that can turn your mood around, maybe it's this. My good friend, blackie, would like to take you anywhere you wanna go. Wash away your worries and go hang out with blackie. Let me tell you something. I don't give a *** about the money. If you do not help with this marriage and wanna work on it, and give the best effort possible, then we're gonna have to look at other options. - Other options? - Yeah. Hmm. What would those be, maybe divorce? - No. That's not what I want. - No, no. That seems like what you're hinting at. So let's walk that one through. So we get divorced, I split. And then we get another *** to come in here and support the whole entire family like I do. That sounds great. How about this roller-skating nerd right here? Welcome to Jellybeans. Can I... take your trash? I think we're good with all the trash here right now. I have a simple question for you though. Would you like to marry my wife and fund her fancy-*** lifestyle? We're just having a conversation. - You can... - We're all good. - Thank you. - So we're good? We're good then, huh? Divorce is for losers, April. We're not losers. This is a wonderful day. Toby, can I holler at you for a moment? Get your opinion on something? Mmm. Yeah. I know we both love Mommy. She's cool, right? You notice anything weird about her lately? She's kinda acting like, a little crazy. Like, maybe like, mentally ill. I don't know. Maybe it's not a chemical thing. I hate to say it but... maybe she just sucks. I mean, maybe I just married somebody who sucks. Honestly, I'm just getting sick and tired of all the damn head games, man. Just... the withholdings of affection. Them skin-colored *** she has with the skidmarks with the busting elastic. I mean, that's like a middle finger to my libido. - You know what libido is? - No. It's like these little beans inside of you that make you ***. These ladies can't push the men around. We've gotta be number one in the house, you understand me? Yep. Oh, I feel you, Dakota. Wild animal stuck in the chains of suburbia. Huh. Reminds me of me. That's what's so badass about pro wrestling. I mean, it's the only sport where there's no official uniform. I mean, you can come in with jean shorts and be like, "That's part of my character." Whoa. I'm sounding the boring alarm. Guy's tossing it up. "Guy's tossing it up," what's that? That's something I'm saying now. It's my new catchphrase. Let's move on before this guy puts us all to sleep. We have a very special guest for you today. She would never stab me in the back. And most of all, she's the funniest chick I know. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for a true wild card, tennis great, Candi ***. Ha-ha. Candi ***. There she is. A-ha-ha-ha. Holla! - Holla! - What's up, girl? Candi *** in the hiz-ouse! - Twerk it. Twerk it. Twerk it. - Twerk it. Twerk it. That's inappropriate. Ha-ha. What's up, girl? - Good to see you. - Hey. - Queen of the clay, right? - Oh, I'm a huge fan of yours. - Thank you. - Yeah. Well, we're all big fans of yours. You're a beautiful lady and an even better talent. I mean, what an athlete. Candi, I don't know if you've ever met Kenny. - Kenny, Candi. - Of course. Kenny Powers, right? Yeah. You're damn right. Yeah, I have a friend in San Francisco, used to date you. That's no big surprise. I tore through my fair share of ladies when I did my time in San Fran. - Yeah. Except it was a dude. - Oh! Oh! He said you was a twink man. Mm-mm-mm-mm. Hey, Kenny. Were you with a twink man? - What is it, twink man? - No. No. I don't like young and handsome dudes, all right. - You like 'em a little older? - No. No, I don't like any. Everyone settle down. I know what Candi's problem is. Candi's on her period. I mean, I see all these house flies buzzing around. I'm thinking they can smell those eggs bleeding out your ***. - Whoa! - Whoa, man. No, no, no, no. No, no. - Kenny, have some respect, man. - Ovulation is nature's only miracle. I can't talk about that? Kenny, you don't talk about a lady's menstrual cycle. - I don't think it's fair. - Kenny, knock it off. - You're digging a ditch. - Not fair. I'd like to apologize to everybody out there in the audience. - We'll be right back. - Not me. OK? We're gonna wash Kenny's mouth out with soap. Not me. Not apologizing. No, you're not. And when we get back, we'll continue the show. - Very uncool. - And we're clear. What the *** is this? - Oh, man. - Kenny Powers is going 10-1. - *** *** gobbler. - Hey. We don't make fun of homosexuals on this show. That's rule one, OK? Gays are the new blacks. Get with it. - When's your next tournament. - September. - September? All right. - Yeah. Come on, you ***. Don't be rattled. Man, you got this ***. Candi ***. Of course they're laughing. They're just being *** kind to her ***. Coming out here twerking. *** that broad comedy. *** that ***. - You got the ***, bro. You're the one with the ***. Use the *** ***. You *** go out there. You be confident, man. The audience is loving your *** vibe, bro. Just *** harness that. Just *** radiate coolness. *** comedy. *** energy. Masculinity. You are handsome. You are loved. You are strong. Mm-hmm. What the hell's so funny? Candi *** telling more of her stupid jokes? I guess they're just digging your vibe, you know. They're impressed with how strong and powerful you are. OK, we're live in five - Four, three... - Hot mic, champ. Hot mic. Aw, yeah. Look at them ***, girl. Ohh, I love how big they are. They're like two big potatoes. - Two big old potatoes. Perfect. - Stevie, what the *** is this ***? Oh, yo, dog. Check it. I got Maria selling baked potatoes like nobody's business. What did I tell you, man? I said the only girls who can work here gotta be hot chicks, man. Yeah, but you didn't specify which hot chicks. And I gotta pay for Maria's new *** job... ...somehow. Maria got a *** job, I didn't even notice. I don't look at her in a *** manner. Ever. Show him. Show him. Make Daddy proud. Impressive. Actually, not bad. Kinda evens you out a little bit. OK... There's a lot of children walking around Rack Room Shoes. Check it. I got Maria working for us, with those ***. *** style. This is what pimps do. Well, they better work. I'm starting to second guess this whole entire kiosk. Yeah. Guy Young has me in his cross hairs. Trying to Dontel my ***. Kenny, I thought you said you couldn't lose. I thought you had this on lockdown. I need this gig. - Ow! - You don't think I need this? I invested 5.7 thousand dollars into this kiosk. ***, Kenny. I know, I know. I just... My mind's everywhere. How can I be a CEO when I'm fighting two *** battles on different fronts. At home my marriage is *** the bed and at work I'm dealing with a military coup. If we don't act fast, Guy Young is gonna burn everything we love to the ground. OK. OK, OK. This is what we do. Let me take care of Guy Young. And you, you deal with your *** up marriage at home. I will personally neutralize his ***. - Can I trust you with this? - Oh yeah. I'm gonna skin him alive and make a lamp out of his skin. All right, Hannibal Lecter. Settle down, all right. We don't start with that, all right? That's a last resort. At this point, I think we just need to send him a message. Plain and simple. Nobody messes with me. Nobody messes with you. And nobody... messes with Maria's ***. Is she gonna work today or is she gonna just sit there and eat *** papas? Yeah. No, she's working. ♪ I doo-doo-doo what to do ♪ Next time I fall ♪ In love ♪ The next time I fall - ♪ In love ♪ Next time I fall... Dixie. I know it's very odd that I'd be asking you for advice when your life's in *** utter ruins. But you're my last resort. When's the first time you realized that your marriage was... up *** creek without a paddle. Well, when you revealed to me that my husband was unfaithful and addicted to drugs. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Course. But before that. Like, were there any, like, signs or anything? No. Honestly, there wasn't one. That was the weirdest part. Why do you ask? It's April. Yep. She's being *** super crazy. Talking about how she's unhappy and wanting to seek other options Oh my God. Settle down. Don't get all *** over my debacles. No. I'm not. I'm just... What on earth happened? You guys were so good together. I don't know. That's what I'm coming to you for. You're her friend. What's she saying? You know. Is she going through menopause? She losing her memories? Did a *** up evil version of her from the future come and *** try to ruin my ***? No. Nothing. I mean, everybody thought that you were gonna dump her. What the ***? Who... Who's everyone? You know, the group. You were just always gone, married to your job. I think everybody just assumed that you were maybe moving on to a younger girl. Jesus Christ! I mean, yes, of course, I could do those things. But I choose not to. I'm a good Christian white man. - Ugh. Sickening. - I can't believe she's leaving you. Hold your role, she ain't leaving me, all right? I'm bout to nip this *** in the butt. Kenny Powers is not getting a *** divorce. I just gotta remind April how dope her *** life is. I know we've had our differences in the past, but I may need your assistance in the days to come. - I can't lose my wife. - Sure. I'll do what I can, Kenny. No... OK, yeah. That's what I'm asking you for. You know, this is actually nice, us chatting. It's been hard since Gene's been gone. - You know, for me, it's been a lot of... - Shhh. Don't run your mouth too much. It's not attractive. This is about me right now. I got big problems going on. Oh, and, Dixie-noodles. There's one more thing you should know. Gene never... He... He never came inside that woman. After a few pumps, he withdrew his *** and he started smashing it between the ring and the lid of the toilet for penance. He still loves you. You should give him a second shot. Thanks for your help. ♪ Just a closer walk with Thee ♪ ♪ Grant it, Jesus, if you please... ♪ This dude is the answer to our Guy Young problem. Look how ginormous he is. Well, it's no doubt this gentlemen has acromegalia. I just wonder if he's gonna be big enough for Guy Young. Guy Young ain't no scrub. Well, this guy ain't no scrub. He knows mixed martial arts, professional wrestling. Sports. All that stuff. ♪ I am weak, but Thou art strong ♪ He does have a beautiful voice. ♪ Jesus, keep me - ♪ From all wrong What we're primarily looking to do here is send a message, OK? Don't *** him up too bad. Stevie, does he know what he's supposed to say? Yeah. Say your line, Joel. Hello, Guy Young. I am a sports fans... - That being said... - That being said, I would appreciate it if you would give Kenny Powers more screen time. And... - Bit opportunities. - Big opportunities. Bit opportunities. Like comedic bits. Like little riffs and stuff. All right. Practice that a bunch, man. You gotta have that down. Because if you don't *** deliver the message, this whole thing's a waste, OK? - OK. - Once you deliver the message, give it about five seconds. Let it sink in. And then... dealers choice. - Whatever you want, dog. - When do I get that cash? You'll get half up front and half when the deal's done. - How much did we agree to pay him? - Twenty-thousand dollars. Twenty-thousand dollars?! - You're serious? - What? You negotiated *** twenty-thousand dollars - for a basic Alabama beatdown? - You... You said... No! You're... That's a *** 1-8-7 price, man. What the ***'s wrong with you? I've never organized a hit before. - I don't... - This isn't a *** hit. This isn't a *** hit. Don't say hit. If you're gonna negotiate like a dipshit, you're gonna have to pay the price. Look, I'll pay you 75 bucks and the difference is coming out of your per diem. - Out of my per diem?! - Yep. That's what we're doing. Oh! Look what the cat dragged in. It doesn't have to be this way. Well, this is all your fault, man. You were hungry and I took you under my wing. And then you bit the underside of my *** wing. There's room on the show for both of us. A natural two-hander. Two-hander my ***! I gave you everything, Kenny. And then you had to challenge me. Now you're going down, ***. Hasn't enough blood already been spilt? - When does it end? - It ends Friday. I'm gonna finish you, once and for all. You ***. All right. Let the best man win. - I'll see you in hell! - *** you! I went to my chin doctor, and it just... He gave me these options. It's such a difficult choice. The chin is one of the foremost things you see on a person's face. OK. Here's an option. The John Kerry. What do you think? - You don't like it. - No. No. You don't like it all. I saw that by the look on your face. Now this is the Aaron Eckhart but it looks sort of more like a butt chin, huh? What about this? - The John Travolta? - Oh, someone's coming out. Joel, you are on. I'm gonna kill him. Go get him. Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not giving out autographs today, man. Hello, Guy Young. I am the fan of your show. Being said, give Kenny Powers all the scream times - and big opportunities. - Oh yeah. Kenny Pow... What the *** are you talking about, man? What? Oh. Oh. Look at me. Look at me! - Look at me. - Oh no! Oh... Oh. Oh my Go... He saw me! He saw me! He's chasing us! He's chasing us! Woo, woo. - Here she comes. - Kenny? Three, two, one... Surprise! Look at her. She's like, "What the *** is this?" No, but really, what the *** is this? This, sweetheart, is a celebration to remind you how awesome your life is and how cool everything is between you and I. - You invited all these people? - Yeah. These are all your friends from the past. Some from the future. They're new friends that you'll meet tonight. Yeah. I put out a Facebook invite e-chat thing. There's that person. There's them. I forgot their names. Oh, and look who else is here. - Jamie. Even though he moved to Orlando - Oh. Jamie. I chartered a private jet so he could be here. He said not to say nothing so... sorry. - It's all right. - Thanks for keeping the secret, James. I appreciate it. Hey. There's one more little surprise. Look who's back on the scene, Mean Gene. The old spaghetti night crew, reunited once again. Trying to rebuild their foundation of marriage. Marriage is an important thing, - to work on, to keep at. - Right. - You never quit a marriage. - Why is there a priest here? Because after we have the April flavored cherry cheesecake, you and I... We're renewing our vows, everyone. - Aww. - That's right. Yep. In front of all these people. - It's gonna be the ***. - Baby, um... This is... This is too much right now. This is great. Just enjoy yourself. Oh. You hear that? Sounds like another mystery guest has arrived. Let me go get that. Have fun. Enjoy yourself. Everybody, celebrate April. April's party. - What the *** are you doing here? - Kenny. Mission fail, dude. OK, we gotta bow down. - There is no winning this one. - What are you talking about? I'm talking about Joel. He blew it. We gave him too much dialogue. OK. Guy Young beat the *** out of him. You do realize the *** taping is tomorrow? I know. I'm so sorry, Kenny. I am so sorry. What should we do? What do you mean? There's nothing we can do. Guy's gonna castrate me on the show tomorrow. All because of you. Is there a big party going on in here? Yes. I'm trying to save my marriage. - Why wasn't I invited? - Because, Stevie, you failed me. But... that just happened right now... Everyone? Everyone. Can I get your attention, please. Everyone attentions, please. Thank you. Viv, shut up. OK? Shut up. Uhh, I just wanna thank you all once again for coming out to this special night to celebrate my wife, April Powers. And right now, I want to do something that's a little out of character for me. Come on, baby doll. Come up here and let's sing a duet together. I don't wanna sing. ♪ Well, I've had the time of my *** life ♪ You recognize this song, sweetheart? anna sing. - I don't wanna sing. - Come on, sweetheart. This is your part. I know what you're doing. It's so sweet. I don't really wanna sing. Nope. You're part's almost up. Um. I don't wanna sing. I don't... I don't want any of this. Kenny, it feels like she doesn't want to sing. - So maybe we'll move on. - OK, Dixie. Wonderful to have your opinion in this thing. But she was talking to me and so I heard what she said. OK. You know what? Fine. This is April's party. *** it. She doesn't want to *** sing. Karaoke's done. There we are. No more karaoke, everybody. I never asked for this party. Well, April, I'm trying to make things better. Kenny. That's enough, Kenny. ***, you wanna say something. ***. You remember what this does right here? You're gonna get that outta my face. - Hey! - Hey! Hey, that is enough. Leave him alone. You're acting crazy. Oh, I'm acting crazy? Let's clear the air, shall we? Can we clear the air for a moment? Guess what, Dixie? Gene never cheated on you. I lied about that because I didn't want April to know I was doing ***. - True story. - That's true. Thank you. I nev... I told you, I never slept with anybody. Then we got *** Tel over here. *** Indian dude pretending to be white. How much *** chicken tikka masala do you eat? None. You're a disgrace, Tel. - That's enough. That's enough. - No. No, no. I'm not done, April. - That's enough. - I'm not done. Because now I wanna turn the spotlight onto you. What can I do to make you happy now? Let's try and see. I can't invite your friends to a *** party 'cause that's not enough. I can't sing a *** song with you 'cause that's not enough. I can't buy *** luxuries and fancy cars and expensive fur coats and fine jewelry and chinas! That's not enough either! None of it's *** enough! What do you want?! Huh? You want me to quit my *** job?! Go back to being your little *** boy. Well, it's not happening! If anyone wants to take my television job, they'll have to do it over my dead *** body! I think you need to leave. - No. I'm the one who... - No! You need to get out. Get out. May... Let's maybe we could just take it down a notch. - I'm done. I need you to go. - There's people here from out of town. Maybe everyone's saying some stuff they don't really mean. No! I'm done. You don't mean this, April... I want you to get out! - Get the *** out! - ***, woman. Throwing *** mustard at me. Oh! I can *** break *** too! I'm done. - Fine. You want me out of here? - Yeah. OK, I'm out. Party's over. I guess I'll have to find somebody new to fall in love with who will appreciate these. - Want some *** rubies? - Get the *** out. Some *** emeralds? Move. Get the *** out of the way. Worst *** "fix my marriage party" ever. Dammit! Goodbye, friend. I'll talk to Kenny. It's not gonna be a problem. Oh, there he is. All right. I'll take care of it. Don't worry about it. I got it. I got it, I got it. Oh, KP. I think I ran into one of your fans yesterday. Or... my foot met his face. Wha! Look, man. I just wanna apologize. I know we're trapped in the midst of this epic rivalry and... I wanna extend my hand in an offering of peace. My family life is crumbling. My marriage is almost over. My... April kicked me out of the house last night. I just don't think I have any more fight left in me. You win, Guy. Please, just... Tell the network to let me stay. We can do things how they were before. You'll be in charge. I'll know my place. And it can just be like how it was before. I just can't lose this job, Guy. This is all I have. I'm hurting, man. I'm just trying to level with you as a friend. Well... KP. I'm not your friend. I never was, OK? You're a *** loser. OK? And you're not fit to be out on that stage. You should be out there with the... with the normies. With the plebeians. You know? With the *** redneck idiots and the *** stupid jiggaboos. Clapping... ...'cause they see bright lights. They want greatness but they can't achieve it so they love watching it. That's who I am. OK? I can *** in my hand and say, "Hey, taste my ***... ***." Those *** morons will eat that *** gladly. Chew it right up. Remember this moment. Because, I win. I *** win. And, Kenny... You're *** out. You're out. You're fired. And good luck to you. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Guy Young in the house. - How's everybody doing tonight? - *** you, Guy! You're an ***, Guy Young. No ***. Hot mic, champ. I'll be your jiggaboo. *** you! Man, that's ***. I win. Sync & corrections: Reef www.addic7ed.com