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Kids, in warm March evening in 2010
a New York City police boat
pulled a 34-year-old white male
out of the Hudson River:
your Uncle Barney.
All right, kid,
let's hear the story.
From the beginning.
Well, it all started a week ago.
I was making time
at the local watering hole.
Enter... a dame.
Nothing sexier than a man
in a fine cravat.
Except for a woman who
appreciates a fine cravat.
How about we just
call it a tie?
(both laughing)
(chuckling)
You see, a cravat
is a kind of tie.
I get it.
Anyway,
next thing you know,
I get her back to my place.
Barney...
when I get in bed with a man,
my body becomes a machine
fueled by desire, ***
and a singular hunger to satisfy
my lover's every carnal need.
Good thing the cleaning
lady's coming tomorrow.
Well, good night.
What?
Wait, what?
I thought your body was going
to become a machine
fueled by desire, ***
and a singular hunger
to satisfy my every carnal need.
No.
Transcript by Addic7ed.com
(all laughing)
You know, I really
think that Don and I
are hitting our stride
as a news team.
Yeah.
DON: Well, all credit
goes to this lady
on my left.
Oh, come on.
That story you did
on which rodents
to avoid on the subway...
The answer may
surprise you.
It's all of them.
(chuckling)
Well, I got to run,
okay? I'll see you. Okay.
It's good to meet you.
Yeah, you, too.
Take care.
Okay. Bye, Don.
Okay, Robin, that
guy is awesome.
He's funny, he's
smart, he's handsome.
You got to scoop him up
before someone else does.
I hope you're not talking
about you.
It has been four months
since you broke up with Barney.
Maybe it's time
to put yourself back out there.
Yeah, exactly.
Barney's dating again,
and he couldn't be happier.
I couldn't be more unhappy.
All night long,
she's hot and heavy for me.
I get her back to my place,
and she just bolts?
I mean, at least
when I run out on a girl,
I have the common courtesy
to sleep with her first.
It's... it's called manners.
Sounds like she
read that book,
Of Course You're Still Single-
Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb ***.
What? It... it's this book
that helps single girls
find a husband.
It's Robin's copy.
I've just... I leafed
through it a little bit.
Really. Were you getting
a mani-pedi?
(all talking over each other)
Okay, okay, okay.
Fine.
Barney, when you
were with this girl,
did she subtly slip the word
"sex" into conversation?
I'm in the inter-sex-tion,
and I only have a couple of sex
before the light changes.
I mean, everyone's
honking at me,
and it totally sex,
but I can't turn around
because a jogger slipped
and fell in horse sex-crement.
Go on. Go on.
Did she make excuses
to establish physical contact
with you?
Is this cashmere?
Cashmere? (scoffs)
This is hand-spun
*** merino.
The fibers in this suit are
less than 12 microns thick.
12 microns.
I love a tiny fiber.
Well, you're in luck,
because mine's the tiniest.
And the more
you touch it,
the softer it gets.
(chuckles softly)
She did that, too.
Now, here is the final test.
Next time you see her,
ask her out
for the following night.
The book says that's forbidden,
so she'll probably give you
some lame excuse like this:
"Ooh, I can't do anything
tomorrow night."
BOTH: I've already made plans
to clean my garbage disposal
and treat myself
to a bubble bath.
But how about next week
sometime?
BARNEY:
Aha!
You're trying that
Of Course You're Still Single-
Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb *** crap on me.
It's not crap. Of Course
You're Still Single-
Take a Look at Yourself,You
Dumb *** is a brilliant book.
And...
it scares away guys
who are only interested
in getting laid.
Why not just say
you have a kid?
You'd be surprised how many
jerks there are out there.
That's why the book says
never sleep with a guy
on the first date.
Totally.
Or the second date.
Of course.
Or the third date.
Well...
Or the fourth date.
Well, just tell me
how many dates!
Seventeen.
S... S...
Excuse me,
is anyone using this?
Yep, here it is:
no sex until after 17 dates.
LILY:
Barney, if you're not
going to take her
out on 17 dates,
I think you should
just give it up.
Oh, no.
I'm not the one
who's going to give it up.
She is.
Because, thanks
to Ted's book...
That's Robin's. It's Robin's.
...I can stay two steps ahead
of her at all times.
There's a loophole
in here somewhere,
and I'm going to find it.
(phone rings)
Hello.
Hey, Robin.
Oh, hey, Don.
Listen, uh...
do you want to go out
Saturday night?
Saturday night...
(hushed):
Is he asking you out?
Say yes! Say yes!
Look, Don, um...
listen, it...
it's really sweet
of you to ask,
and you're a great guy...
(falsetto):
Yes, I will go out with you.
Robin, are you okay?
Um, I just had
a little cold.
That's probably
what you're hearing.
But Saturday night sounds great.
We can even go
to a steak house,
and you can bring home
some prime rib
for my friend, Marshall.
Okay, gotta go. Love you. Bye.
What the hell
are you thinking?
Robin, you've got to do this,
okay?
A great guy like Don is rare.
And speaking of rare,
prime rib- don't forget.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
I don't believe it.
Guys... this is her!
She wrote the book.
Huh. Her name must be Anita.
Okay.
My plan was to sleep with her,
but this changes everything.
New plan:
I'm going to sleep with her.
Boy, this girl
that Barney's going after,
she kind of sounds like
the anti-Barney.
Mmm. I love how the universe
decided to bring
those two together.
Actually, Anita's going after
Barney because I told her to.
Wait, you sicced Anita
on Barney?
How do you
even know her?
She was on my show.
But, um, if you had
to summarize your book
in 30 words or less...
I'll summarize it
in one word, Robin.
And that word
is "no."
By saying no
constantly and consistently,
you empower yourself
while simultaneously
turning any jerk
into a submissive,
sniveling, puddle of a man.
Hmm. And isn't that
every girl's dream?
(chuckling)
After the break, we're going
to talk about your new book,
Of Course You Don't Have
a Retirement Plan Yet-
Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb ***, due out in June.
We'll be right back.
We're clear.
You guys want
any coffee?
Oh, you know what,
Mike, that'd be great.
You?
No.
What about you, Robin?
You dating anyone?
Oh. (chuckles)
Dating's not really my bag
right now.
Uh-oh.
Did somebody break your heart?
And then,
I- I told her everything.
It just came pouring out.
And by the end of it,
she said...
This Barney needs
to be taught a lesson.
You say the word,
and I will destroy him.
What do you mean?
I can use the power
of "no"
to break your friend, Barney.
Just say the word.
Come on, that-that stuff
doesn't really work,
does it?
I didn't know
what you wanted,
so I got you a cappuccino,
an espresso, a latte, a decaf...
Oh, hi, Robin.
And this
is a Turkish coffee.
Thank you, Mike.
Think about it.
ROBIN: I didn't think I
was going to think about it,
but then... I thought about it.
Oh, this Pilates instructor
was off the charts.
Picture Robin,
but younger.
And bigger ***.
Maybe not bigger,
but more shapely.
And bigger.
(phone rings)
Hello?
BARNEY: I get her up
against the StairMaster,
and we...
Do it.
Spoilers.
Anyway, we do it.
It's done.
Thank you, Mike.
I know, it was stupid,
but you have
to understand,
back then,
I was still really upset
about the breakup.
I was going
though my mourning period.
There was a lot of scotch
and a lot
of long nights
at the shooting range.
I hope those weren't
the same nights.
ROBIN:
Geez, Lily.
It's not like I remember
all of them.
Hey, babe.
Did you know that Robin
was going through
a mourning period?
I mean, she seemed fine
after the breakup.
Oh, you know how she is.
She tries to keep her emotions
to herself.
But yeah, I caught her crying
a couple times.
She cried?
Like, real tears?
But that means...
Oh, no.
NARRATOR:
And then, Marshall realized
what a *** he had been
to Robin.
Exactly. Barney's
dating again,
and he couldn't
be happier.
I mean,
that guy has been active.
Sexually.
I mean, he's just
been, like,
***, ***, ***!
You know?
(chuckling):
It's like...
***, ***, ***, ***,
***, ***!
***, ***, ***,
bangity ***
I said a-***, ***,
bangity ***
***, ***, ***
***, ***,
bangity ***
I said a-***, ***,
bangity ***.
How could you
let me do that?
You're my wife,
you're supposed to stop me
from embarrassing myself
in public.
I know, but that song's
kind of catchy.
***, ***, bangity ***
***, ***,
bangity ***
I said ***, ***,
bangity ***
A-***, ***, bangity ***.
Damn it.
I've read that thing
cover to cover,
and I can't find a loophole.
What am I going to do?
Well, there is one
other option, but, uh,
nah, you're not ready.
Tell me.
Well, if you have to seal
the deal in just one date,
it's got to be one doozy
of a date, right?
Yeah. I'm not talking
dinner and a movie.
I'm not talking mini-golf.
I'm talking...
17 dates worth of romance
wrapped up into one
incredible night.
I'm talking about...
a superdate.
A superdate?
Mm-hmm.
That sounds kind of lame.
What if we call it a megadate?
If you want my help,
it's a superdate.
All right.
Leave it to me.
I'll plan the
whole thing.
You're going to plan
the whole thing? Mm-hmm.
I bet it'll be all gooey
and romantic, huh?
Gooey and
romantic?
Gooey and romantic?
Barney...
You don't have
to take her
To Paris or Peru
Uh, Ted,
what are you doing?
You just have to
make her understand
Ted, people are
looking at us.
What she means to you
Oh, God, really?
You're really going
to do this right now?
On your superdate
Troubles of the world
will simply have to wait
For wonders
and amazement
Served upon a
silver plate
Hurry up now,
don't be late
'Cause hand in hand
you'll find a land
Where paradise awaits
(applause)
And then boom!
Fireworks over the
Manhattan skyline!
You kiss her.
And that's your
superdate.
That sounds gooey
and romantic.
Yeah.
Strip club?
Strip club.
NARRATOR: Finally, the night
of the big dates arrived.
So, tonight's
the big night.
Where's the D-bag taking you?
That's not a good nickname
for Don.
I'll think of a better one.
You know, that, I just...
I canceled.
What do you mean you... Wait.
Hey.
Hey.
What's wrong?
Robin canceled her date.
What? She was totally
psyched for it
like an hour ago.
Robin Scherbatsky.
You look like
the classiest,
most expensive *** ever.
Oh, thank you.
I take it you're excited
to go out with Don?
You know what? I kinda am.
Don't tell Marshall.
I won't.
I bet you'll have
a nice time tonight.
Yeah.
Not, however, a super time.
A super time will be had
by Barney
on his date with Anita.
Yep.
Carriage ride, dinner at
Le Tombeur des Culottes.
They're calling it
a superdate, so.
Ted!
How could you do that?!
Robin just got over
her mourning period!
She seemed so happy
after the breakup.
Oh, Ted.
So unobservant.
Such a guy.
She was obviously crushed.
Wait, but that would mean...
Oh, no.
NARRATOR: And then I realized
what a *** I'd been to Robin.
I said a-***, ***,
bangity ***
Hey, whatcha singing?
Oh, just a little
ditty I wrote
about how many girls
Barney's been banging lately.
Well, count me in
for a verse. Great.
***, ***, bangity ***
I said a-***, ***,
bangity ***
***, ***, ***
***, ***, bangity ***
I said a-***, ***...
No!
Oh, God. Where is she?
I think she's in
the restroom.
(crying)
(all aahing)
No, guys, guys,
I'm fine, I'm fine.
(knocking on door)
(whistling)
Hey.
Dude.
Why would you do that?
Because I'm angry at you.
I'm angry at me.
I'm angry at Ted.
And frankly,
I'm still angry at the Empire.
Why are you angry at me?
Dude, you've been a real
jerk in front of Robin
while she's been going
through her mourning period.
Mourning period?
She hasn't been going through
any mourning period.
(sighs)
So unobservant.
Such a guy.
Ugh, Barney,
sit down,
you need to hear some stuff.
What-what, is she
upset or something?
Of course she's upset.
Take a look at yourself,
you dumb ***.
NARRATOR: And then Aunt Lily told
Barney every excruciating detail
of what he hadn't been seeing
since the breakup.
You should've
seen this girl.
***, ping,
pa-dow, ga-donk.
Okay, I'm leaving.
So...
we get up
to my place...
(crying)
(people cheering on TV)
(sniffling)
***, bangity ***,
***, ***, ***
***, ***, bangity ***
I said a-***, ***,
bangity ***
***, ***, ***...
(vomiting)
I can't believe
Robin's been so upset.
I can't believe you threw up
in your Stormtrooper helmet.
Eh. I did something worse in it
after The Phantom Menace
premiere.
So, she's been this way
ever since we broke up?
Actually, she was
doing much better
until you decided to go on this
stupid superdate with Anita.
And now she's
off sulking God
knows where.
I know where.
(sighs)
Hey.
Hey.
Barney, what's up?
(sniffling)
Thought you were, um,
going on some big date.
Robin, I know you're upset.
What? No.
I- I-I have...
I've never been happier.
And-and this Anita
sounds lovely.
I am so glad
that you two just...
randomly happened
to find each other.
It just warms my frickin' heart.
(heavy breathing)
Ah.
(gun clicks)
(grunts)
(sighs)
So, you sure
you're not upset?
Of course I'm upset, Barney.
Don't you see
how constantly talking
about your conquests
makes me feel like I'm just
another number to you?
But you're not just
another number to me.
You know, and-and now
you're taking Anita,
who you barely know,
on this amazing date,
when I never got treated
that way.
It just...
it just sucks, that's all.
It just sucks.
(sighs)
Wow.
I knew I was bad
at being a boyfriend,
but I had no idea
I'd be so much worse
at being an ex-boyfriend.
I'm sorry.
What can I do to make it up
to you?
Nothing, Barney.
You've-you've already proven
that I'm not important to you.
Stop that, I'm serious.
Ask me for anything.
Uh, okay.
Um... don't sleep with Anita.
Done.
Barney,
of course you're going to sleep
with her.
Why else would you be taking her
on this superdate?
She's not going
on the superdate, Robin.
You are.
NARRATOR:
Your Uncle Barney
finally gave Aunt Robin the
superdate she truly deserved.
With a guy she truly deserved.
Of course, there was still
one loose end.
ANITA:
Barney.
Oh, hey, Anita.
I- I totally meant
to call you.
Well, I'm-I'm breaking
all my rules coming down here,
but nobody stands me up
like that.
So, are we going out or what?
I'm sorry.
I... I made a promise
to a friend.
I have to say no.
Oh. Oh, I see.
You're trying the "no" thing
on me.
You really think
that's going to work?
'Cause it won't.
Okay, how about this.
I'll cut you a deal.
Maybe...
you might get lucky
after the 12th date.
No.
The 11th date.
No.
Fifth date.
No.
Tonight.
No.
Tonight before dinner.
(strained): No.
How about you?
You interested.
Yeah.
Come on, Barney.
I'm sorry, Anita.
The answer is no.
Well, good.
Because my answer is no, too.
Okay, here's my final offer.
Barney!
And that's my story.
Well, here's a $500 ticket
for jumping in the river.
I hope it was worth it.
(fireworks popping)
I hope so, too.
It's an old
wives' tale.
Oh, hey, Robin.
Hey.
How did the big date go?
Uh, pretty well.
Pretty, uh, pretty well.
Like how "pretty well"?
Oh, guys, guys, come on.
It was fine.
You know, it was nice.
We had a good time.
Let's just, uh...
let's just leave it
at that, okay.
Although, um,
one interesting thing,
uh, did happen.
I said a-***, ***,
bangity ***
I said a-***,
***, bangity ***
A-***, ***, ***,
***, ***, bangity ***
I said a-***, ***,
bangity ***
***, ***, ***, ***,
***, ***, ***, ***
***, ***, bangity ***...